Gossip and Positive Problem Solving

Rex Deckard, PastorCalvary Apostolic Church

““Gossip may be Gossip may be defined asdefined as

any form of harmful or any form of harmful or hurtfulhurtful

communication that’s communication that’s notnot

absolutely necessary absolutely necessary to share,”to share,”

Bob Burg, co-author ofGossip: Ten Pathways To

Eliminate It From Your Life AndTransform Your Soul.

The Bible Says in I Timothy 5:1313And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.

Jesus put it this way…• Either make the tree good, and

his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit. 34O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.

35A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. 36But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. 37For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

In another version it says….

33 A good tree produces only good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. You can tell what a tree is like by the fruit it produces. 34 You are a bunch of evil snakes, so how can you say anything good? Your words show what is in your hearts. 35 Good people bring good things out of their hearts, but evil people bring evil things out of their hearts. 36 I promise you that on the day of judgment, everyone will have to account for every careless word they have spoken. 37 On that day they will be told that they are either innocent or guilty because of the things they have said.

The Contemporary English

Luke 6:45 says

• Good people do good things Good people do good things because of the good in their because of the good in their hearts. Bad people do bad hearts. Bad people do bad things because of the evil in things because of the evil in their hearts. their hearts. Your words Your words show what is in your heart.show what is in your heart. The

Contemporary English Bible

Leviticus 19:14 Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor Leviticus 19:14 Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear

thy God: I thy God: I amam the LORD. the LORD. 1515Ye shall do no Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honour the person of the the person of the poor, nor honour the person of the

mighty: mighty: butbut in righteousness shalt thou judge thy in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour. neighbour. 1616Thou shalt not go up and down Thou shalt not go up and down asas a a

talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour: I against the blood of thy neighbour: I amam the LORD. the LORD. 1717Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou

shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. sin upon him. 1818Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou grudge against the children of thy people, but thou

shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I amam the LORD the LORD.

I am the Lord your God, and I command you not I am the Lord your God, and I command you not to make fun of the deaf or to cause a blind person to make fun of the deaf or to cause a blind person to stumble.to stumble.15 15 Be fair, no matter who is on trial—don’t favor Be fair, no matter who is on trial—don’t favor either the poor or the rich.either the poor or the rich.16 16 Don’t be a gossip, but never hesitate to speak up Don’t be a gossip, but never hesitate to speak up in court, especially if your testimony can save in court, especially if your testimony can save someone’s life. someone’s life. 17 17 Don’t hold grudges. On the other hand, it’s Don’t hold grudges. On the other hand, it’s wrong not to correct someone who needs wrong not to correct someone who needs correcting. correcting. 18 18 Stop being angry and don’t try to Stop being angry and don’t try to take revenge. I am the Lord, and I command you take revenge. I am the Lord, and I command you to love others as much as you love yourself.to love others as much as you love yourself. Leviticus 19:14 Leviticus 19:14 The Contemporary English Bible

LORD, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill? 2He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart. 3He that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour. Psalms 15:1-3

19Thou givest thy mouth to evil, and thy tongue frameth deceit. 20Thou sittest and speakest against thy brother; thou slanderest thine own mother’s son. 21These things hast thou done, and I kept silence; thou thoughtest that I was altogether such an one as thyself: but I will reprove thee, and set them in order before thine eyes. 22Now consider this, ye that forget God, lest I tear you in pieces, and there be none to deliver. 23Whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I shew the salvation of God. Psalms 50:11

In another version it says,20 you sat around gossiping, ruining the reputation of your own relatives.”21 When you did all of this, I didn’t say a word, and you thought, “God is just like us!”

But now I will accuse you. 22 You have ignored me! So pay close attention

or I will tear you apart, and no one can help you. Psalms 50:11

The Contemporary English

2 It’s stupid to say bad thingsabout your neighbors. If you are sensible, you will keep quiet.13 A gossip tells everything,but a true friend will keep a secret. Proverbs 11:10

The Contemporary English

There are many There are many reasons whyreasons whypeople gossip. people gossip.

“Sometimes people “Sometimes people don’t feel good don’t feel good about themselves about themselves and have low self and have low self esteem.”esteem.”

People’s lives People’s lives get boring and get boring and they end up they end up looking for a looking for a source of source of excitement.excitement.

It also allows some It also allows some people to feel like people to feel like they’re a partthey’re a partof the group—there’s of the group—there’s nothing that will bring nothing that will bring two people together two people together faster than bad faster than bad mouthing a mutual mouthing a mutual acquaintance.acquaintance.

““Gossip can cause Gossip can cause personal resentment personal resentment that shouldn’t be that shouldn’t be involved in your involved in your groupgroupand can eventually and can eventually break down the break down the organization,”organization,”

Jen Miller, of the Jen Miller, of the University of University of TampaTampa

Gossip can…

• Destroy relationships• Undermine the credibility of the

gossiper and the victim• Create deep wounds• Produce feelings of guilt and

shame• Destroy reputations• Place others in awkward

circumstances

2727An ungodly man diggeth up evil: An ungodly man diggeth up evil: and in his lips and in his lips there isthere is as a burning as a burning fire. fire. 2828A froward man soweth A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends. chief friends. Prov. 16:28Prov. 16:28

King James Version

28 28 Gossip is no good!It causes hard Gossip is no good!It causes hard feelings and comes between feelings and comes between friends.friends. Proverbs 16:28 Proverbs 16:28

Contemporary Contemporary EnglishEnglish

What about Mildred?

The Feather Pillow

In addition, gossip can completely undermine an organization’s purpose.“I’ve seen gossip among a group’s student leaders destroy morale, hurt the group’s public image, and make it next to impossible for the group to be taken seriously on campus...”

Steven Roberts, at Kent State University

When you hear something that sounds like gossip, ask yourself a couple of questions….• Why are they telling ME this?

(Motive)

• Why are they telling me this NOW? (Timing)

• What does this person REALLY want?

Also consider….

• What kind of outcome is this person hoping to have by sharing this information? (Influence)

• WHO is telling me this? (Credibility)

• What will be done with my RESPONSE to this person? (Outcome)

My Response

• Silence- will it be perceived as ignoring or agreeing?

• A challenge- will I be the next victim?• Agreement- I am now a perpetrator too• Problem solving- If they don’t really want

to fix their problem, this will shut them down.

• Reverse Talk- This can be a very effective solution in some cases……..

How can gossip be stopped?“What if everyone who gossiped decided to do the opposite and do ‘reverse gossip?’”In other words, you talk good about people—‘Now, isn’t Dave a hard worker or isn’t Mary a great person?’People are bound to talk about the people in their lives, and choosing to spread kind words around instead of gossip and rumors creates a healthier environment where everyone is better off.

What if that doesn’t What if that doesn’t work?work?Sometimes, the best response to gossip is no response. “Refuse to listen to gossip, slander, and other negative forms of speech. If you’re on a diet, don’t bring the cake and cookies into your home. If you’re ending gossip, try and keep away from conversations that may tempt you to listen or chime in.”

What to do if you have a problem with someone……

1. Choose your battles- does it really matter?

2. Ask yourself- what is the outcome to this that I really want? If you don’t know, then leave it alone

3. Make sure your motive is always right.

Then………….Then………….

• Pray, and ask God for the best approach• Pick the right time and place to talk• Be specific about the problem at hand,

and listen to the other side of the story.• NEVER jump to conclusions or make

assumptions until you have all the facts. And even then be cautious.

• Remember AIM, not BLAME. What is the outcome that will please God?

Pitfalls to avoid• Don’t compromise principles of morality just

to come to an agreement. • In some cases you have to agree to disagree. • Don’t have a “Win-Lose” attitude. If anyone

loses, everyone loses.• Don’t get lost in general terms- “you always…

you never….everybody” Be specific with the problem at hand. Who, when, where, what.

• If the person is in authority (policeman, IRS, pastor, parent/child, judge, teacher….) it is likely possible that they will have the last word. But usually they are open to listen to concerns if they are presented appropriately.