GRACEABOUNDINGTOTHECHIEFOFSINNERS

INAFAITHFULACCOUNTOFTHELIFEANDDEATHOFJOHNBUNYAN

OR

ABRIEFRELATIONOFTHEEXCEEDINGMERCYOFGODINCHRISTTOHIM

NAMELY

INHISTAKINGHIMOUTOFTHEDUNGHILL,ANDCONVERTINGHIMTOTHEFAITHOFHISBLESSEDSONJESUS

CHRIST.HEREISALSOPARTICULARLYSHEWED,WHATSIGHTOF,ANDWHATTROUBLESHEHADFORSIN;AND

ALSO,WHATVARIOUSTEMPTATIONSHEHATHMETWITH,ANDHOWGODHATHCARRIEDHIMTHROUGHTHEM.

THOROUGHLYREVISEDBYTHEEIGHTHEDITION

LondonTHERELIGIOUSTRACTSOLCIETY

4BouverieStreetand65StPaul’sChurchyard1905

ComeandhearallyethatfearGod,andIwilldeclarewhatHehathdoneformysoul.—Psalmlxvi.16.

TABLEOFCONTENTS

Preface

GraceAboundingtotheChiefofSinners,

ABriefAccountoftheAuthor'sCalltotheWorkoftheMinistry

ABriefAccountoftheAuthor'sImprisonment

TheConclusion

ARelationoftheImprisonmentoftheAuthorintheMonthofNovember

1660

AContinuationoftheAuthor'sLife

ABriefCharacteroftheAuthor

Postscript

PREFACE

OR,BRIEFACCOUNTOFTHEPUBLISHINGTHISWORK.WRITTENBY THE AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSEWHOMGODHATHCOUNTEDHIMWORTHYTOBEGETTOFAITH,BYHISMINISTRYINTHEWORD

CHILDREN,Gracebewithyou.Amen.Ibeingtakenfromyouinpresence,and so tiedup that I cannotperform that duty, that fromGoddoth lieuponmetoyou-ward, foryour fartheredifyingandbuildingup in faithandholiness, etc., yet that youmay seemy soul hath fatherly careanddesire after your spiritual and everlastingwelfare, Inowonceagain, asbefore,fromthetopofShenirandHermon,sonowfromthelions’dens,fromthemountainsoftheleopards(Songiv.8),dolookyetafteryouall,greatlylongingtoseeyoursafearrivalintoTHEdesiredHaven.

I thankGoduponevery remembranceof you; and rejoice, evenwhile Istickbetween the teethof the lion in thewilderness, that thegraceandmercy, andknowledgeofChrist ourSaviour,whichGodhathbestowedupon you, with abundance of faith and love; your hungerings andthirstings after farther acquaintance with the Father, in the Son; yourtenderness of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holydeportmentalso,beforebothGodandmen,isagreatrefreshmenttome;Foryeareourgloryandjoy.1Thess.ii.20.

Ihavesentyouhereenclosed,adropofthathoneythatIhavetakenoutofthecarcaseofalion.Judg.xiv.5–8.Ihaveeatenthereofmyself,andammuchrefreshedthereby. (Temptations,whenwemeetthematfirst,areas the lion that roareduponSamson;but ifweovercome them, the

nexttimeweseethem,weshallfindanestofhoneywithinthem.) ThePhilistinesunderstandmenot.ItissomethingofarelationoftheworkofGoduponmy soul, even from the very first, till now,wherein youmayperceivemy castings down, and risings up: for He woundeth, andHishandsmake whole. It is written in the Scripture, Isa. xxxviii. 19,ThefathertothechildrenshallmakeknownThytruth. Yea, itwasforthisreasonIlaysolongatSinai,Lev.iv.10,11,toseethefire,andthecloud,andthedarkness,thatImightfeartheLordallthedaysofmylifeuponearth,andtellofHiswondrousworkstomychildren.Psalmlxxviii.3–5.

Moses,Numb.xxxiii. 1,2,writof the journeysof thechildrenofIsrael,fromEgypt to the land ofCanaan; and commanded also that they didremember their forty years’ travel in the wilderness. Thou shaltrememberallthewaywhichtheLordthyGodledtheethesefortyyearsinthewilderness,tohumblethee,andtoprovethee,andtoknowwhatwasinthineheart,whether thouwouldstkeepHiscommandments,orno.Deut.viii.2.WhereforethisIhaveendeavouredtodo;andnotonlyso, but to publish it also; that, if God will, others may be put inremembranceofwhatHehathdonefortheirsouls,byreadingHisworkuponme.

It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the verybeginningsofgracewith their souls. It isanight tobemuchobserveduntotheLord,forbringingthemoutfromthelandofEgypt.Thisisthatnight of the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in theirgenerations.Exod.xii.42.OmyGod(saithDavid),Ps.xlii.6,mysouliscastdownwithinme;thereforewill I remember thee from the landofJordan,and of theHermonites, from the hillMizar. He rememberedalsothelionandthebear,whenhewenttofightwiththegiantofGath.1Sam.xvii.36,37.

ItwasPaul’saccustomedmanner,Actsxxii.,andthat,whentriedforhislife, Acts xxiv., even to open before his judges the manner of hisconversion:hewould thinkof thatday,andthathour, inwhichhe firstdid meet with grace; for he found it supported him. When God hadbroughtthechildrenofIsraeloutoftheRedSea,farintothewilderness,yettheymustturnquiteaboutthitheragain,torememberthedrowning

of their enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for though they sang his praisebefore,yettheysoonforgathisworks.Psalmcvi.11,12.

Inthisdiscourseofmine,youmayseemuch;muchIsay,ofthegraceofGodtowardsme:IthankGod,Icancountitmuch;foritwasabovemysinsandSatan’stemptationstoo. Icanremembermyfearsanddoubts,andsadmonths,withcomfort;theyareastheheadofGoliahinmyhand:there was nothing toDavid likeGoliah’s sword, even that sword thatshould have been sheathed in his bowels; for the very sight andremembranceofthatdidpreachforthGod’sdeliverancetohim.Oh!theremembranceofmygreatsins,ofmygreattemptations,andofmygreatfear of perishing for ever! They bring afresh into my mind, theremembranceofmygreathelp,mygreatsupportsfromheaven,andthegreatgracethatGodextendedtosuchawretchasI.

My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of ancienttimes: rememberalsoyoursongs in thenight,andcommunewith yourownHearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5–12. Yea, look diligently, and leave no cornerthereinunsearched for that treasurehid, even the treasureofyour firstand second experience of the grace ofGod towards you. Remember, Isay, the word that first laid hold upon you: remember your terrors ofconscience, and fear of death and hell: remember also your tears andprayerstoGod;yea,howyousighedundereveryhedgeformercy.HaveyouneverahillMizartoremember?Haveyouforgottheclose,themilk-house,thestable,thebarn,andthelike,whereGoddidvisityoursouls?Remember also the word, the word, I say, upon which the Lord hathcausedyoutohope:ifyouhavesinnedagainstlight,ifyouaretemptedtoblaspheme,ifyouaredrownedindespair,ifyouthinkGodfightsagainstyou,orifheavenishidfromyoureyes;rememberitwasthuswithyourfather;butoutofthemalltheLorddeliveredme.

Icouldhaveenlargedmuchinthismydiscourse,ofmytemptationsandtroublesforsin;asalsoofthemercifulkindnessandworkingofGodwithmysoul:Icouldalsohavesteppedintoastylemuchhigherthanthis,inwhich I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all thingsmorethan here I have seemed to do, but I dare not: God did not play intemptingofme;neitherdidIplay,whenIsunkasintothebottomlesspit,whenthepangsofhellcaughtholduponme;whereforeImaynotplayin

relating of them, but beplain and simple, and laydown the thingas itwas; he that liketh it, let him receive it, and he that doth not, let himproduceabetter.Farewell.

MydearChildren,

Themilkandhoneyarebeyondthiswilderness.Godbemercifultoyou,andgrantthatyoubenotslothfultogointopossesstheland.

JOHNBUNYAN.

GRACEABOUNDINGTOTHECHIEFOFSINNERS

OR,

ABRIEFRELATIONOFTHEEXCEEDINGMERCYOFGODINCHRIST,TOHISPOOR

SERVANT,JOHNBUNYAN

IN thismyrelationof themercifulworkingofGoduponmysoul, itwillnotbeamiss,ifinthefirstplace,Idoinafewwordsgiveyouahintofmypedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness andbounty of God towardsme,may be themore advanced andmagnifiedbeforethesonsofmen.

2. Formydescentthen,itwas,asiswellknownbymany,ofa lowandinconsiderable generation;my father’s house being of that rank that ismeanest,andmostdespisedofallthefamiliesintheland.Wherefore,Ihave not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of any high-bornstate,accordingtotheflesh;though,allthingsconsidered,ImagnifytheheavenlyMajesty,forthatbythisdoorHebroughtmeintotheworld,topartakeofthegraceandlifethatisinChristbythegospel.

3.Butyet,notwithstandingthemeannessandinconsiderablenessofmyparents,itpleasedGodtoputitintotheirhearts,toputmetoschool,tolearnbothtoreadandwrite;thewhichIalsoattained,accordingtotherateofotherpoormen’schildren:though,tomyshame,Iconfess,Idid

soonlosethatIhadlearned,evenalmostutterly,andthatlongbeforetheLorddidworkHisgraciousworkofconversionuponmysoul.

4.Asformyownnaturallife,forthetimethatIwaswithoutGodintheworld,itwas,indeed,accordingtothecourseofthisworldandthespiritthatnowworketh inthechildrenofdisobedience. Eph. ii.2,3. Itwasmydelighttobe‘takencaptivebythedevilathiswill,’2Tim.ii.26;beingfilledwithallunrighteousness;thewhichdidalsosostronglywork,andputforthitself,bothinmyheartandlife,andthatfromachild,thatIhadbutfewequals(especiallyconsideringmyyears,whichweretender,beingbut few) both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holynameofGod.

5.Yea,sosettledandrootedwasIinthesethings,thattheybecameasasecondnaturetome;thewhich,asIhavealsowithsobernessconsideredsince,didsooffendtheLord,thateveninmychildhoodhedidscareandaffrightenmewithfearfuldreams,anddidterrifymewithfearfulvisions.Foroften,after Ihavespent thisandtheotherday insin, Ihave inmybedbeengreatlyafflicted,whileasleep,withtheapprehensionsofdevilsandwickedspirits,whostill,asIthenthought,labouredtodrawmeawaywiththem,ofwhichIcouldneverberid.

6.AlsoIshould,attheseyears,begreatlyafflictedandtroubledwiththethoughtsofthefearfultormentsofhell-fire;stillfearing,thatitwouldbemylottobefoundatlastamongthosedevilsandhellishfiends,whoarethere bound down with the chains and bonds of darkness, unto thejudgmentofthegreatday.

7.Thesethings,Isay,whenIwasbutachild,butnineortenyearsold,did so distressmy soul, that then in themidst ofmymany sports andchildish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much castdown,andafflictedinmymindtherewith,yetcouldInotletgomysins:yea, Iwasalso thensoovercomewithdespairof lifeandheaven, that Ishouldoftenwish,eitherthattherehadbeennohell,orthatIhadbeenadevil;supposingtheywereonlytormentors;thatifitmustneedsbe,thatIwentthither,Imightberatheratormentor,thanbetormentedmyself.

8. A while after those terrible dreams did leaveme, which also I soon

forgot;formypleasuresdidquicklycutofftheremembranceofthem,asiftheyhadneverbeen:whereforewithmoregreediness,accordingtothestrengthofnature,Ididstillletloosethereinsofmylust,anddelightedinall transgressionsagainst the lawofGod: so thatuntil I came to thestateofmarriage,Iwastheveryringleaderofalltheyouththatkeptmecompany,inallmannerofviceandungodliness.

9.Yea,suchprevalencyhadthelustsandfruitsofthefleshinthispoorsoulofmine, thathadnot amiracleofprecious graceprevented, I hadnotonlyperishedbythestrokeofeternaljustice,buthadalsolaidmyselfopen,eventothestrokeofthoselawswhichbringsometodisgraceandopenshamebeforethefaceoftheworld.

10. In these days the thoughts of religionwere very grievous tome; Icouldneitherendureitmyself,northatanyothershould;sothatwhenIhave seen some read in those books that concerned Christian piety, itwouldbeasitwereaprisontome.ThenIsaiduntoGod,Departfromme,forIdesirenottheknowledgeofThyways. Jobxxi.14,15. Iwasnowvoidofallgoodconsideration,heavenandhellwerebothoutofsightand mind; and as for saving and damning, they were least in mythoughts. OLord,Thou knowestmy life,andmy ways were not hidfromThee!

11. But this I well remember, that though I couldmyself sin with thegreatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of mycompanions;yet,even then, if Ihadatany time seenwicked things,bythosewhoprofessedgoodness,itwouldmakemyspirittremble.Asonceabovealltherest,whenIwasintheheightofvanity,yethearingonetoswear, that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a strokeuponmyspirit,thatitmademyheartache.

12.ButGoddidnotutterlyleaveme,butfollowedmestill,notnowwithconvictions,butjudgments;yetsuchasweremixedwithmercy.ForonceIfellintoacreekofthesea,andhardlyescapeddrowning.AnothertimeIfelloutofaboatintoBedfordriver,but,mercyyetpreservedmealive:besides, another time, being in a field, with one of my companions, itchancedthatanadderpassedoverthehighway,soIhavingastickinmyhand,struckherovertheback;andhavingstunnedher,Iforcedopenher

mouthwithmystick,andpluckedherstingoutwithmyfingers;bywhichact had not God beenmerciful untome, Imight bymy desperateness,havebroughtmyselftomyend.

13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving:When I was asoldier,Iwithothers,weredrawnouttogotosuchaplacetobesiegeit;butwhenIwasjustreadytogo,oneofthecompanydesiredtogoinmyroom:towhich,whenIhadconsented,hetookmyplace;andcomingtothe siege, ashe stood sentinel, hewas shot in theheadwith amusket-bulletanddied.

14. Here,asIsaid,werejudgmentsandmercy,butneitherof themdidawakenmysoultorighteousness;whereforeIsinnedstill,andgrewmoreandmorerebelliousagainstGod,andcarelessofmyownsalvation.

15.Presentlyafterthis,Ichangedmyconditionintoamarriedstate,andmymercywas,tolightuponawifewhosefatherwascountedgodly:Thiswoman and I, thoughwe came together as poor as poormight be (nothavingsomuchhouseholdstuffasadishoraspoonbetwixtusboth),yetthisshehadforherpart:ThePlainMan’sPathwaytoHeavenandThePracticeofPiety;whichher fatherhad leftherwhenhedied. In thesetwobooksIwouldsometimesreadwithher,whereinIalsofoundsomethingsthatweresomewhatpleasingtome(butall thiswhileImetwithnoconviction). Shealsowouldbeoftentellingofmewhatagodlymanher fatherwas, andhowhewould reproveandcorrectvice,both inhishouse,andamonghisneighbours;whatastrictandholylifehelivedinhisdays,bothinwordanddeed.

16.Whereforethesebooks,withthisrelation,thoughtheydidnotreachmyheart,toawakenitaboutmysadandsinfulstate,yettheydidbegetwithinmesomedesirestoreligion:sothatbecauseIknewnobetter,Ifellinveryeagerlywiththereligionofthetimes;towit,togotochurchtwicea day, and that toowith the foremost; and there should very devoutly,bothsayandsing,asothersdid,yetretainingmywickedlife;butwithal,Iwas so over-runwith the spirit of superstition, that I adored, and thatwith great devotion, even all things (both the high-place, priest, clerk,vestment, service, andwhat else) belonging to the church; counting allthings holy that were therein contained, and especially, the priest and

clerkmosthappy,andwithoutdoubt,greatlyblessed,becausetheywerethe servants, as I then thought, ofGod, andwere principal in the holytemple,todoHisworktherein.

17.Thisconceitgrewsostronginalittletimeuponmyspirit,thathadIbut seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched in his life), Ishouldfindmyspirit fallunderhim,reverencehim,andknituntohim;yea, I thought, for the love I did bear unto them (supposing them theministers of God), I could have laid down at their feet, and have beentrampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work did sointoxicateandbewitchme.

18. After Ihadbeen thus for someconsiderable time, another thoughtcameinmymind;andthatwas,whetherwewereoftheIsraelitesorno?For finding in the scripture that theywere once the peculiar people ofGod,thoughtI,ifIwereoneofthisrace,mysoulmustneedsbehappy.Nowagain, I foundwithinmeagreat longing tobe resolvedabout thisquestion,butcouldnottellhowIshould:atlastIaskedmyfatherof it;whotoldme,No,wewerenot. WhereforethenIfell inmyspirit,astothehopesofthat,andsoremained.

19. Butall thiswhile,Iwasnotsensibleofthedangerandevilofsin;Iwaskeptfromconsideringthatsinwoulddamnme,whatreligionsoeverIfollowed,unlessIwasfoundinChrist:nay,IneverthoughtofHim,orwhether there was such a One, or no. Thus man, while blind, dothwander,butweariethhimselfwithvanity,forheknowethnotthewaytothecityofGod.Eccles.x.15.

20.Butoneday(amongstallthesermonsourparsonmade)hissubjectwas, to treatof theSabbathday,andof theevil ofbreaking that, eitherwith labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, I was, notwithstanding myreligion,onethattookmuchdelightinallmannerofvice,andespeciallythatwasthedaythatIdidsolacemyselftherewith):whereforeIfellinmyconscienceunderhis sermon, thinkingandbelieving thathemade thatsermon on purpose to showmemy evil doing. And at that time I feltwhatguiltwas,thoughneverbefore,thatIcanremember;butthenIwas,for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when thesermonwasended,withagreatburthenuponmyspirit.

21.This,forthatinstantdidbenumbthesinewsofmybestdelights,anddidimbittermyformerpleasurestome;buthold,itlastednot,forbeforeI had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and my heartreturnedto itsoldcourse:butoh!howgladwasI, thatthistroublewasgone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I might sin againwithoutcontrol!Wherefore,whenIhadsatisfiednaturewithmyfood,Ishook thesermonoutofmymind,and tomyoldcustomof sportsandgaming,Ireturnedwithgreatdelight.

22.Butthesameday,asIwasinthemidstofagameofCat,andhavingstruckitoneblowfromthehole,justasIwasabouttostrikeitthesecondtime, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven intomy soul, which said,Wilt thou leave thy sins andgo toheaven,or have thy sins and go tohell? At this Iwasput toanexceedingmaze;wherefore leavingmycatupon the ground, I lookedup to heaven, andwas, as if I had,with theeyesofmyunderstanding,seentheLordJesuslookingdownuponme,asbeingveryhotlydispleasedwithme, andas ifHedid severely threatenme with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodlypractices.

23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, thisconclusionwasfastenedonmyspirit(fortheformerhintdidsetmysinsagainbeforemyface),ThatIhadbeenagreatandgrievoussinner,andthatitwasnowtoolateformetolookafterheaven;forChristwouldnotforgiveme,norpardonmytransgressions.ThenIfelltomusingonthisalso;andwhileIwasthinkingofit,andfearinglestitshouldbeso;Ifeltmy heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and therefore Iresolved inmymind Iwouldgoon in sin: for, thought I, if thecasebethus,mystate is surelymiserable;miserable if I leavemysins,andbutmiserableifIfollowthem;Icanbutbedamned,andifImustbeso,Ihadasgoodbedamnedformanysins,asbedamnedforfew.

24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then werepresent: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made thisconclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I wellremember,thatpresentlythiskindofdespairdidsopossessmysoul,thatIwaspersuadedIcouldneverattaintoothercomfortthanwhatIshouldgetinsin;forheavenwasgonealready,sothatonthatImustnotthink;

wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of sin, stillstudying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste thesweetnessofit;andImadeasmuchhasteasIcouldtofillmybellywithits delicates, lest I should die before I hadmy desire; for that I fearedgreatly.Inthesethings,IprotestbeforeGod,Ilyenot,neitherdoIfeignthisformofspeech;thesewerereally,strongly,andwithallmyheart,mydesires:The goodLord,Whosemercy is unsearchable, forgivememytransgressions!

25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil ismoreusual amongpoor creatures, thanmany are aware of, even to over-runthe spiritswith a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing ofconscience,which framehe stilly and slily suppliethwith such despair,that, thoughnotmuchguiltattendethsouls,yet theycontinuallyhaveasecret conclusionwithin them, that there isnohope for them; for theyhavelovedsins,thereforeafterthemtheywillgo. Jer. ii.25,andxviii.12.

26. Now therefore Iwenton in sinwithgreatgreedinessofmind, stillgrudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I would. This didcontinuewithmeaboutamonth,ormore;butoneday,asIwasstandingat a neighbour’s shop window, and there cursing and swearing, andplaying the madman, after my wonted manner, there sate within, thewoman of the house, and heard me; who, though she also was a verylooseandungodlywretch,yetprotested that Isworeandcursedat thatmostfearfulrate,thatshewasmadetotrembletohearme;andtoldmefurther, that I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing, that she everheardinallherlife;andthatI,bythusdoing,wasabletospoilall theyouthinthewholetown,iftheycomebutinmycompany.

27.AtthisreproofIwassilenced,andputtosecretshame;andthattoo,as I thought, before theGodof heaven;wherefore,while I stood there,andhangingdownmyhead,IwishedwithallmyheartthatImightbealittle child again, that my fathermight learnme to speak without thiswickedwayofswearing;for,thoughtI,Iamsoaccustomedtoit,thatitisinvainformetothinkofareformation;forIthoughtitcouldneverbe.

28.Buthowitcametopass,Iknownot;Ididfromthistimeforward,so

leavemyswearing,thatitwasagreatwondertomyselftoobserveit;andwhereasbeforeIknewnothowtospeakunlessIputanoathbefore,andanotherbehind,tomakemywordshaveauthority;nowIcould,withoutit,speakbetter,andwithmorepleasantnessthaneverIcouldbefore.Allthis while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports andplays.

29. But quickly after this, I fell into companywith one poorman thatmadeprofessionofreligion;who,asIthenthought,didtalkpleasantlyofthescriptures,andofthemattersofreligion;whereforefallingintosomeloveand liking towhathe said, I betookme tomyBible, andbegan totake great pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical partthereof; for as for Paul’s Epistles, and such like scriptures, I could notawaywith them, being as yet ignorant, either of the corruptions ofmynature,orofthewantandworthofJesusChristtosaveme.

30.WhereforeIfelltosomeoutwardreformationbothinmywordsandlife, and did set the commandments beforeme formy way to heaven;which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, didkeep them prettywell sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yetnowandthenshouldbreakone,andsoafflictmyconscience;butthenIshouldrepent,andsay,Iwassorryfor it,andpromiseGodtodobetternexttime,andtheregethelpagain; forthenI thoughtIpleasedGodaswellasanymaninEngland.

31.ThusIcontinuedaboutayear;allwhichtimeourneighboursdidtakeme to be a very godly man, a new and religiousman, and didmarvelmuchtoseesuchagreatandfamousalterationinmylifeandmanners;andindeedsoitwas,thoughyetIknewnotChrist,norgrace,norfaith,norhope; for, as I havewell seen since, had I then died,my state hadbeenmostfearful.

32.But,Isay,myneighbourswereamazedatthismygreatconversion,fromprodigiousprofaneness,tosomethinglikeamorallife;andtruly,sothey well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom ofBethlehemtobecomeasoberman.Nowthereforetheybegantopraise,to commend,and to speakwellofme,both tomy face, andbehindmyback.NowIwas,astheysaid,becomegodly;nowIwasbecomearight

honest man. But oh! when I understood these were their words andopinions of me, it pleased me mighty well. For, though as yet I wasnothingbutapoorpaintedhypocrite,yet,I lovedtobetalkedofasonethatwastrulygodly.Iwasproudofmygodliness,andindeed,IdidallIdid, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: and thus Icontinuedforaboutatwelvemonth,ormore.

33. Nowyoumustknow,that,beforethis, Ihadtakenmuchdelight inringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought suchpractice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it; yet mymindhankered;whereforeIwouldgotothesteeple-house,andlookon,though I durst not ring: but I thought this did not become religionneither;yet I forcedmyself,andwould lookonstill,butquicklyafter,Ibegantothink,howifoneofthebellsshouldfall?ThenIchosetostandunder amain beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side,thinkinghereImight standsure;but then I should thinkagain, shouldthebellfallwithaswing,itmightfirsthitthewall,andthen,reboundingupon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made me stand in thesteeple-door;andnow,thoughtI,Iamsafeenough;forifthebellshouldnow fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be preservednotwithstanding.

34. Soafter thisIwouldyetgotoseethemring,butwouldnotgoanyfartherthanthesteeple-door;butthenitcameintomyhead,howifthesteeple itself should fall? And this thought (it may for aught I know)when I stood and looked on, did continually so shakemymind, that Idurstnotstandatthesteeple-dooranylonger,butwasforcedtoflee,forfearthesteepleshouldfalluponmyhead.

35.Anotherthingwas,mydancing;IwasafullyearbeforeIcouldquiteleave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this or thatcommandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought wasgood,Ihadgreatpeaceinmyconscience,andshouldthinkwithmyself,Godcannotchoosebutbenowpleasedwithme;yea,torelateitinmineownway,IthoughtnomaninEnglandcouldpleaseGodbetterthanI.

36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while ignorant of JesusChrist; and going about to establish my own righteousness; and had

perishedtherein,hadnotGodinmercyshowedmemoreofmystatebynature.

37.Butuponaday,thegoodprovidenceofGodcalledmetoBedford,toworkonmycalling;andinoneofthestreetsofthattown,Icamewheretherewerethreeorfourpoorwomensittingatadoor,inthesun,talkingaboutthethingsofGod;andbeingnowwillingtohearthemdiscourse,Idrewneartohearwhattheysaid,forIwasnowabrisktalkeralsomyself,inthemattersofreligion;butImaysay,Iheardbutunderstoodnot; fortheywerefarabove,outofmyreach. Theirtalkwasaboutanewbirth,theworkofGodon theirhearts, alsohow theywere convincedof theirmiserable state by nature; they talked how God had visited their soulswithHisloveintheLordJesus,andwithwhatwordsandpromisestheyhadbeenrefreshed,comforted,andsupported,againstthetemptationsofthedevil:moreover,theyreasonedofthesuggestionsandtemptationsofSatan in particular; and told to each other, by which they had beenafflicted and how they were borne up under his assaults. They alsodiscoursedoftheirownwretchednessofheart,andoftheirunbelief;anddid contemn, slight and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy, andinsufficienttodothemanygood.

38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; theyspake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with suchappearanceofgraceinalltheysaid,thattheyweretome,asiftheyhadfoundanewworld;asiftheywerepeoplethatdweltalone,andwerenottobereckonedamongtheirneighbours.Numb.xxiii.9.

39.AtthisIfeltmyownheartbegantoshake,andmistrustmyconditionto be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion andsalvation,thenew-birthdidneverenterintomymind;neitherknewIthecomfortofthewordandpromise,northedeceitfulnessandtreacheryofmyownwickedheart. Asforsecretthoughts,I tooknonoticeof them;neither did I understandwhat Satan’s temptationswere, nor how theyweretobewithstood,andresisted,etc.

40.Thus,therefore,whenIhadheardandconsideredwhattheysaid,Ileft them, and went about my employment again, but their talk anddiscoursewentwithme;alsomyheartwouldtarrywiththem,forIwas

greatlyaffectedwiththeirwords,bothbecausebythemIwasconvincedthatIwantedthetruetokensofa trulygodlyman,andalsobecausebythemIwasconvincedofthehappyandblessedconditionofhimthatwassuchaone.

41. ThereforeIshouldoftenmakeitmybusinesstobegoingagainandagain intothecompanyof thesepoorpeople; forIcouldnotstayaway;and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question mycondition;andasIstilldoremember,presentlyIfoundtwothingswithinme, at which I did sometimes marvel (especially considering what ablind, ignorant, sordidandungodlywretchbut just before Iwas). Theonewasaverygreatsoftnessandtendernessofheart,whichcausedmetofallundertheconvictionofwhatbyscripturetheyasserted,andtheotherwasagreatbendinginmymind,toacontinualmeditatingonit,andonallothergoodthings,whichatanytimeIheardorreadof.

42.Bythesethingsmymindwasnowsoturned,thatitlaylikeanhorse-leechatthevein,stillcryingout,Give,Give,Prov.xxx.15;yea,itwassofixedoneternity,andonthethingsaboutthekingdomofheaven(thatis,sofarasIknew,thoughasyet,Godknows,Iknewbutlittle),thatneitherpleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor threats, could loose it, ormakeitletgoitshold;andthoughImayspeakitwithshame,yetitisinverydeed,acertaintruth,itwouldthenhavebeenasdifficult formetohavetakenmymindfromheaventoearth,asIhavefounditoftensince,togetagainfromearthtoheaven.

43. One thingImaynotomit:Therewasayoungman inour town, towhommyheartbeforewasknit,morethantoanyother,buthebeingamost wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoreing, I nowshookhimoff, and forsookhis company; but about a quarter of a yearafterIhad lefthim,Imethiminacertain lane,andaskedhimhowhedid:he,afterhisoldswearingandmadway,answered,hewaswell.But,Harry,saidI,whydoyoucurseandswearthus? Whatwillbecomeofyou,ifyoudieinthiscondition?Heansweredmeinagreatchafe,Whatwouldthedevildoforcompany,ifitwerenotforsuchasIam?

44.AboutthistimeImetwithsomeRanters’books,thatwereputforthbysomeofourcountrymen,whichbookswerealsohighly inesteemby

severaloldprofessors;someoftheseIread,butwasnotabletomakeanyjudgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought uponthem (seeingmyself unable to judge), I would betakemyself to heartyprayer in thismanner. OLord,Iama fool,andnot able to know thetruth from error: Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either toapproveoforcondemnthisdoctrine;ifitbeofGod,letmenotdespiseit;if it beof thedevil, letmenot embrace it. Lord, I laymy soul in thismatteronlyatThyfoot,letmenotbedeceived,IhumblybeseechThee.Ihad one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was thepoorman I spokeofbefore;butabout this time,healso turnedamostdevilishRanter,andgavehimselfuptoallmanneroffilthiness,especiallyuncleanness:hewould alsodeny that therewas aGod, angel, or spirit;and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety; when I laboured torebukehiswickednesshewouldlaughthemore,andpretendthathehadgonethroughallreligions,andcouldneverlightontherighttillnow.Hetoldmealso, that ina little time I should seeallprofessors turn to thewaysof theRanters. Wherefore,abominatingthosecursedprinciples,Ilefthiscompany forthwith,andbecame tohimasgreata stranger,as Ihadbeenbeforeafamiliar.

45.Neitherwasthismanonlyatemptationtome,butmycallinglyinginthe country, I happened to light into several people’s company, whothough strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by theseRanters.Thesewouldalsotalkwithmeoftheirways,andcondemnmeas legal anddark;pretending that they onlyhad attained toperfection,thatcoulddowhattheywouldandnotsin. Oh!thesetemptationsweresuitabletomyflesh,Ibeingbutayoungmanandmynatureinitsprime;butGod,whohad,asIhoped,designedmeforbetterthings,keptmeinthe fear of His name, and did not suffer me to accept such cursedprinciples.AndblessedbeGod,WhoputitintomyhearttocrytoHimtobekept anddirected, still distrustingmy ownwisdom; for I have sinceseeneventheeffectsofthatprayer,inHispreservingme,notonlyfromRantingerrors,butfromthosealsothathavesprungupsince.TheBiblewasprecioustomeinthosedays.

46. Andnowmethought, Ibegan to look into theBiblewithneweyes,andreadasIneverdidbefore,andespeciallytheepistlesoftheapostleSt

Paulweresweetandpleasanttome;andindeedIwasthenneveroutoftheBible,eitherbyreadingormeditation;stillcryingouttoGod,thatImightknowthetruth,andwaytoheavenandglory.

47. And as Iwent on and read, I lightedupon that passage,To one isgiven,bytheSpirit,thewordofwisdom;toanotherthewordknowledgebythesameSpirit;andtoanotherfaith,etc.1Cor.xii.Andthough,asIhavesinceseen,thatbythisscripturetheHolyGhostintends,inspecial,thingsextraordinary,yetonmeitdidthenfastenwithconviction,thatIdidwantthingsordinary,eventhatunderstandingandwisdomthatotherChristians had. On this word Imused, and could not tell what to do,especially this word ‘Faith’ put me to it, for I could not help it, butsometimesmustquestion,whetherIhadanyfaith,orno;butIwasloathto conclude, I hadno faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall countmyselfaverycast-awayindeed.

48.No,saidI,withmyself,thoughIamconvincedthatIamanignorantsot,andthatIwantthoseblessedgiftsofknowledgeandunderstandingthat other people have; yet at a venture I will conclude, I am notaltogetherfaithless,thoughIknownotwhatfaithis;foritwasshewnme,and that too (as I have seen since) by Satan, that those who concludethemselvesinafaithlessstate,haveneitherrestnorquietintheirsouls;andIwasloathtofallquiteintodespair.

49. Whereforeby thissuggestionIwas, forawhile,madeafraidtoseemywantoffaith;butGodwouldnotsuffermethustoundoanddestroymy soul, butdid continually, against thismy sad andblind conclusion,create stillwithinmesuchsuppositions, insomuch that I couldnot restcontent,untilIdidnowcometosomecertainknowledge,whetherIhadfaithorno, thisalwaysrunninginmymind,Buthowifyouwant faithindeed? But how canyou tell you have faith? And besides, I saw forcertain,ifIhadnot,Iwassuretoperishforever.

50.SothatthoughIendeavouredatthefirsttolookoverthebusinessofFaith,yet ina little time,Ibetterconsideringthematter,waswillingtoput myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no. But alas, poorwretch!soignorantandbrutishwasI,thatIknewnottothisdaynomorehow to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and

curiouspieceofart,whichIneveryetsaworconsidered.

51.WhereforewhileIwasthusconsidering,andbeingputtomyplungeabout it (foryoumustknow,thatasyetIhadinthismatterbrokenmymindtonoman,onlydidhearandconsider), thetemptercameinwiththisdelusion,ThattherewasnowayformetoknowIhadfaith,butbytryingtoworksomemiracle;urging thosescriptures thatseemto lookthatway, for theenforcingandstrengtheninghis temptation. Nay,oneday,asIwasbetweenElstowandBedford,thetemptationwashotuponme,totryifIhadfaith,bydoingsomemiracle;whichmiracleatthistimewasthis, Imust say to thepuddles thatwere in thehorsepads,Be dry;andtothedryplaces,Beyoupuddles:andtrulyonetimeIwasgoingtosaysoindeed;butjustasIwasabouttospeak,thisthoughtcameintomymind;Butgounderyonderhedgeandprayfirst,thatGodwouldmakeyou able. Butwhen I had concluded to pray, this came hot uponme;That if Iprayed,andcameagainandtriedtodo it,andyetdidnothingnotwithstanding,thentobesureIhadnofaith,butwasacast-away,andlost; nay, thought I, if it be so, I will not try yet, but will stay a littlelonger.

52. So I continuedatagreat loss; for I thought, if theyonlyhad faith,which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that for thepresent Ineitherhad it,nor yet for the time to come,wereever like tohaveit.ThusIwastossedbetwixtthedevilandmyownignorance,andsoperplexed,especiallyatsometimes,thatIcouldnottellwhattodo.

53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people atBedfordwasthus,inakindofavision,presentedtome,Isawasiftheywere on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshingthemselveswiththepleasantbeamsofthesun,whileIwasshiveringandshrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds:methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compassaboutthismountain,nowthroughthiswallmysouldidgreatlydesiretopass;concluding, that if I could, Iwouldevengo into theverymidstofthem,andtherealsocomfortmyselfwiththeheatoftheirsun.

54.AboutthiswallIbethoughtmyself,togoagainandagain,stillpryingas Iwent, to see if I could findsomewayorpassage,bywhich Imight

entertherein:butnonecouldIfindforsometime:atthelast,Isaw,asitwere, a narrow gap, like a little door-way in the wall, throughwhich Iattemptedtopass:Nowthepassagebeingverystraitandnarrow,Imademanyofferstogetin,butallinvain,evenuntilIwaswell-nighquitebeatout,bystrivingtogetin;atlast,withgreatstriving,methoughtIatfirstdidget inmyhead,andafter that,bya sidelingstriving,myshoulders,andmywholebody;thenIwasexceedingglad,wentandsatdowninthemidstofthem,andsowascomfortedwiththelightandheatoftheirsun.

55. Now thismountain, andwall, etc., was thusmade out tome: Themountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that shonethereon,thecomfortableshiningofHismercifulfaceonthemthatweretherein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separationbetweentheChristiansandtheworld;andthegapwhichwasinthewall,Ithought,wasJesusChrist,WhoisthewaytoGodtheFather.Johnxiv.6;Matt. vii. 14. But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow,evensonarrowthatIcouldnot,butwithgreatdifficulty,enterinthereat,it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those that were indownright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world behindthem;forherewasonlyroomforbodyandsoul,butnotforbodyandsoulandsin.

56.Thisresemblanceabodeuponmyspiritmanydays;allwhichtimeIsaw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to avehementhungeranddesiretobeoneofthatnumberthatdidsitinthesunshine:Now also I should praywherever Iwas:whether at home orabroad; inhouseor field;andwouldalsooften,with liftingupofheart,singthatofthefifty-firstPsalm,OLord,considermydistress;forasyetIknewnotwhereIwas.

57.NeitherasyetcouldIattaintoanycomfortablepersuasionthatIhadfaithinChrist;butinsteadofhavingsatisfactionhere,Ibegantofindmysoul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness;especiallywithsuchasthese,whetherIwaselected?Buthow,ifthedayofgraceshouldnowbepastandgone?

58. BythesetwotemptationsIwasverymuchafflictedanddisquieted;sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to

speakofthataboutmyquestioningmyelection,Ifoundatthistime,thatthoughIwasinaflametofindthewaytoheavenandglory,andthoughnothingcouldbeatmeoff fromthis,yet thisquestiondidsooffendanddiscourageme,thatIwas,especiallysometimes,asiftheverystrengthofmybodyalsohadbeentakenawaybytheforceandpowerthereof.Thisscripturedidalsoseemtometotrampleuponallmydesires;Itisnotofhim that willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showethmercy.Rom.ix.16.

59. With this scripture I couldnot tellwhat todo: for I evidently saw,unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, hadvoluntarilychosenmetobeavesselofmercy,thoughIshoulddesire,andlong, and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it.Therefore this would stick with me, How can you tell that you areelected?Andwhatifyoushouldnot?Howthen?

60. OLord, thoughtI,what if I shouldnot indeed? Itmaybeyouarenot, said theTempter; itmay be so indeed, thought I. Why then, saidSatan,youhadasgoodleaveoff,andstrivenofarther;forifindeed,youshouldnotbeelectedandchosenofGod, there isno talkof yourbeingsaved;For it isnotofhimthatwilleth,norofhimthatrunneth;but ofGodthatshowethmercy.

61.BythesethingsIwasdriventomywits’end,notknowingwhattosay,orhowtoanswer these temptations: (indeed, I little thought thatSatanhadthusassaultedme,but that rather itwasmyownprudence thus tostart the question): for that the elect only attained eternal life; that, Iwithoutscrupledidheartilyclosewithal;butthatmyselfwasoneofthem,therelaythequestion.

62. Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted andperplexed,andwasoften,whenIhavebeenwalking,readytosinkwhereIwent,withfaintnessinmymind;butoneday,afterIhadbeensomanyweeksoppressedandcastdowntherewithas Iwasnowquitegivingupthe ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell withweightuponmyspirit,Lookatthegenerationsofold,andsee;dideveranytrustinGod,andwereconfounded?

63. At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged inmy soul; forthus,atthatveryinstant,itwasexpoundedtome:BeginatthebeginningofGenesis,and read to the end of theRevelations,and see if you canfind, that there were ever any that trusted in the Lord, and wereconfounded. So cominghome, Ipresentlywent tomyBible, to see if Icouldfindthatsaying,notdoubtingbuttofinditpresently;foritwassofresh,andwithsuchstrengthandcomfortonmyspirit,thatitwasasifittalkedwithme.

64.Well,Ilooked,butIfounditnot;onlyitabodeuponme:ThendidIaskfirstthisgoodman,andthenanother,iftheyknewwhereitwas,buttheyknewnosuchplace.AtthisIwondered,thatsuchasentenceshouldsosuddenly,andwithsuchcomfortandstrength,seize,andabideuponmyheart;andyetthatnonecouldfindit(forIdoubtednotbutthatitwasinholyscripture).

65. ThusIcontinuedaboveayear,andcouldnot findtheplace;butatlast, casting my eye upon the Apocrypha books, I found it inEcclesiasticus,Eccles. ii.10. This,at the first,didsomewhatdauntme;but because by this time I had got more experience of the love andkindness of God, it troubledme the less, especially when I consideredthatthoughitwasnotinthosetextsthatwecallholyandcanonical;yetforasmuch as this sentencewas the sum and substance ofmany of thepromises,itwasmydutytotakethecomfortofit;andIblessGodforthatword,foritwasofGodtome:thatworddothstillattimesshinebeforemyface.

66. After this, that other doubt did comewith strength uponme,Buthow if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you haveoverstood the timeofmercy? Now I remember that one day, as Iwaswalkinginthecountry,Iwasmuchinthethoughtsofthis,Buthowiftheday of grace is past? And to aggravate my trouble, the TempterpresentedtomymindthosegoodpeopleofBedford,andsuggestedthusuntome,thatthesebeingconvertedalready,theywereallthatGodwouldsaveinthoseparts;andthatIcametoolate,forthesehadgottheblessingbeforeIcame.

67.NowIwasingreatdistress,thinkinginverydeedthatthismightwell

be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition;counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thuslong,andspendingsomanyyears in sinas Ihaddone; still cryingout,Oh!thatIhadturnedsooner!Oh!thatIhadturnedsevenyearsago!Itmademealsoangrywithmyself,tothinkthatIshouldhavenomorewit,buttotrifleawaymytime,tillmysoulandheavenwerelost.

68.ButwhenIhadbeenlongvexedwiththisfear,andwasscarceabletotakeonestepmore,justaboutthesameplacewhereIreceivedmyotherencouragement, these words broke in uponmymind,Compel them tocomein,thatmyhousemaybefilled;andyetthere isroom. Lukexiv.22,23. Thesewords,butespecially those,Andyet there is room,weresweetwordstome;fortrulyIthoughtthatbythemIsawtherewasplaceenough inheaven forme; andmoreover, thatwhen theLord Jesus didspeak thesewords,He thendid thinkofme:and thatHeknowing thatthetimewouldcome,thatIshouldbeafflictedwithfear,thattherewasnoplaceleftformeinHisbosom,didbeforespeakthisword,andleaveituponrecord,thatImightfindhelptherebyagainstthisviletemptation.ThisIthenverilybelieved.

69. In the lightandencouragementof thiswordIwentaprettywhile;andthecomfortwasthemore,whenIthoughtthattheLordJesusshouldthink on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words onpurposeformysake;forIdidthinkverily,thatHedidonpurposespeakthemtoencouragemewithal.

70.ButIwasnotwithoutmytemptationstogobackagain;temptationsIsay, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but IthankGod thesewereoutweighedby that sound senseofdeath, andofthedayof judgment,whichabode, as itwere, continually inmyview: Iwouldoftenalso thinkonNebuchadnezzar; ofwhom it is said,Hehadgivenhimallthekingdomsoftheearth.Dan.v.18,19.Yet,thoughtI,ifthis great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-firewouldmakehimforgetall.Whichconsiderationwasagreathelptome.

71. Iwas alsomade, about this time, to see something concerning thebeaststhatMosescountedcleanandunclean:Ithoughtthosebeastsweretypesofmen;theclean, typesof themthatwerethepeopleofGod;but

theunclean,typesofsuchaswerethechildrenofthewickedone.NowIread,thatthecleanbeastschewedthecud;thatis,thoughtI,theyshowus, wemust feed upon the word of God: they alsoparted the hoof. Ithoughtthatsignified,wemustpart,ifwewouldbesaved,withthewaysofungodlymen. Andalso, in furtherreadingabout them,I found,thatthoughwedidchewthecud,asthehare;yetifwewalkedwithclaws,likeadog;orifwedidpartthehoof,liketheswine,yetifwedidnotchewthecud,asthesheep,wewerestill,forallthat,butunclean:forIthoughtthehare tobea typeof thosethat talkof theword,yetwalk in thewaysofsin; and that the swine was like him that parted with his outwardpollutions,butstillwanteththewordoffaith,withoutwhichtherecouldbenowayof salvation, let amanbenever sodevout. Deut. xiv. Afterthis,I foundbyreadingtheword,thatthosethatmustbeglorifiedwithChrist in another world must be called by Him here; called to thepartakingofashareinHiswordandrighteousness,andtothecomfortsand first-fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all thoseheavenly things, which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, andhouseofglory,whichisinheavenabove.

72. Here again Iwas at a very I great stand, not knowingwhat to do,fearingIwasnotcalled;for,thoughtI,ifIbenotcalled,whatthencandomegood?Nonebutthosewhoareeffectuallycalledinheritthekingdomof heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of aChristian’s calling! as when the Lord said to one, FollowMe; and toanother,ComeafterMe:andoh, thoughtI, thatHewouldsaysotometoo:howgladlywouldIrunafterHim!

73.Icannotnowexpresswithwhatlongingsandbreathingsinmysoul,IcriedtoChristtocallme.ThusIcontinuedforatime,allonaflametobeconverted to JesusChrist; and did also see at that day, such glory in aconvertedstate, that I could not be contentedwithout a share therein.Gold!couldithavebeengottenforgold,whatwouldIhavegivenforit?HadIhadawholeworld,ithadallgonetenthousandtimesoverforthis,thatmysoulmighthavebeeninaconvertedstate.

74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to beconvertedmenandwomen. Theyshone, theywalkedlikeapeoplethatcarriedthebroadsealofheavenaboutthem.Oh!Isawthelotwasfallen

to theminpleasantplaces,and theyhadagoodlyheritage. Psalmxvi.Butthatwhichmademesick,wasthatofChrist,inStMark,Hegoethupintoamountain,andcallethuntoHimwhomHewould,andtheycameuntoHim.Markiii.13.

75.Thisscripturemademefaintandfear,yetitkindledfireinmysoul.Thatwhichmademefear,was this; lestChristshouldhaveno liking tome,forHecalledwhomHewould. Butoh!theglorythatIsawinthatcondition,did still soengagemyheart, that I could seldomreadofanythat Christ did call, but I presently wished,Would I had been in theirclothes,wouldIhadbeenbornPeter;wouldIhadbeenbornJohn;or,would I had been by and had heard HimwhenHe called them, howwouldIhavecried,OLord,callmealso!But,oh!IfearedHewouldnotcallme.

76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, andshewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be calledhereafter:butatlastaftermuchtimespent,andmanygroanstoGod,thatI might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that wordcameinuponme:Iwillcleansetheirblood,thatIhavenotcleansed,fortheLorddwellethinZion.Joeliii.21.ThesewordsIthoughtweresenttoencourageme towait stilluponGod;andsignifieduntome, that if Iwerenotalready,yettimemightcome,ImightbeintruthconverteduntoChrist.

77. About this time Ibegan tobreakmymind to thosepoor people inBedford,andtotellthemmycondition;whichwhentheyhadheard,theytoldMrGiffordofme,whohimself also tookoccasion to talkwithme,andwaswilling to bewell persuaded ofme, though I think from littlegrounds:butheinvitedmetohishouse,whereIshouldhearhimconferwithothers,aboutthedealingsofGodwiththeirsouls;fromallwhichIstillreceivedmoreconviction,andfromthattimebegantoseesomethingof the vanity and inwardwretchednessofmywickedheart; for as yet Iknewnogreatmattertherein;butnowitbegantobediscovereduntome,and also to work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidentlyfound, that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, inwickedthoughtsanddesires,which Ididnot regardbefore;mydesiresalsoforheavenandlifebegantofail;Ifoundalso,thatwhereasbeforemy

soul was full of longing after God, now it began to hanker after everyfoolishvanity;yea,myheartwouldnotbemovedtomindthatwhichwasgood;itbegantobecareless,bothofmysoulandheaven;itwouldnowcontinuallyhangback,both to,and ineveryduty;andwasasaclogonthelegofabird,tohindermefromflying.

78.Nay,thoughtI,nowIgrowworseandworse:nowIamfartherfromconversionthaneverIwasbefore. WhereforeIbegantosinkgreatly inmysoul,andbegantoentertainsuchdiscouragementinmyheart,aslaidmeaslowashell. IfnowIshouldhaveburnedatthestake,IcouldnotbelievethatChristhadloveforme:alas! IcouldneitherhearHim,norseeHim,norfeelHim,norfavouranyofHisthings;Iwasdrivenaswithatempest,myheartwouldbeunclean,andtheCanaaniteswoulddwellintheland.

79. Sometimes Iwould tellmy condition to the people ofGod;which,whentheyheard,theywouldpityme,andwouldtellmeofthepromises;but theyhad as goodhave toldme, that Imust reach the sunwithmyfinger,ashavebiddenmereceiveorrelyuponthepromises:andassoonIshouldhavedone it. Allmysenseand feelingwereagainstme;andIsawIhadanheart thatwould sin, and that layundera law thatwouldcondemn.

80.Thesethingshaveoftenmademethinkofthechildwhichthefatherbrought toChrist,who,while hewas yet coming toHim,was throwndownbythedevil,andalsosorentandtornbyhim,thathe laydownandwallowed,foaming.Lukeix.42;Markix.20.

81.Further,inthesedays,IwouldfindmyhearttoshutitselfupagainsttheLord,andagainstHisholyword:Ihavefoundmyunbelieftoset,asitwere,theshouldertothedoor,tokeepHimout;andthattooeventhen,when I havewithmany a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open:Lord,break these gates of brass,and cut these bars of iron asunder.Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart apeaceablepause,Igirdedthee,thoughthouhastnotknownMe. Isaiahxlv.5.

82. Butall thiswhile,astotheactofsinning,Iwasnevermoretender

thannow:myhinderpartswere inward:Idurstnot takeapinorstick,thoughbutsobigasastraw;formyconsciencenowwassore,andwouldsmartateverytouch:Icouldnotnowtellhowtospeakmywords,forfearI shouldmisplace them. Oh,howgingerlydid I thengo, inall Ididorsaid! I foundmyself asonamirybog, that shook if Ididbut stir, andwas, as there, left both ofGod andChrist, and the Spirit, and all goodthings.

83.ButIobserved,thoughIwassuchagreatsinnerbeforeconversion,yetGodnevermuchchargedtheguiltof thesinsofmy ignoranceuponme;onlyHeshowedme,IwaslostifIhadnotChrist,becauseIhadbeena sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present mewithout fault before God, and this righteousness was no where to befound,butinthePersonofJesusChrist.

84.Butmyoriginalandinwardpollution;That,thatwasmyplagueandaffliction,thatIsawatadreadfulrate,alwaysputtingforthitselfwithinme;thatIhadtheguiltof,toamazement;byreasonofthat,Iwasmoreloathsomeinmineowneyesthanwasatoad,andI thoughtIwasso inGod’seyestoo:Sinandcorruption,Isaid,wouldasnaturallybubbleoutofmyheart,aswaterwouldbubbleoutofafountain:Ithoughtnow,thateveryonehadabetterheartthanIhad;Icouldhavechangedheartwithany body; I thought none but the devil himself could equalise me forinwardwickednessandpollutionofmind.Ifellthereforeatthesightofmyownvilenessdeeplyintodespair;forIconcluded,thatthisconditionthatIwasin,couldnotstandwithastateofgrace.Sure,thoughtI,Iamforsaken of God; sure, I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobatemind:andthusIcontinuedalongwhile,evenforsomeyearstogether.

85.WhileIwasthusafflictedwiththefearsofmyowndamnation,therewere two thingswouldmakemewonder; the onewas,when I saw oldpeople hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live herealways:theotherwas,whenIfoundprofessorsmuchdistressedandcastdown,whentheymetwithoutwardlosses;asofhusband,wife,child,etc.Lord,thoughtI,whata-doishereaboutsuchlittlethingsasthese!Whatseekingaftercarnalthings,bysome,andwhatgriefinothersforthelossof them! if they somuch labour after, and shed somany tears for thethingsofthispresentlife,howamItobebemoaned,pitied,andprayed

for!Mysoulisdying,mysoulisdamning.Weremysoulbutinagoodcondition,andwereIbutsureofit,ah!howrichshouldIesteemmyself,thoughblessedbutwithbreadandwater!Ishouldcountthosebutsmallafflictions, and should bear them as little burthens. Awounded spiritwhocanbear!

86.AndthoughIwasmuchtroubled,andtossed,andafflicted,withthesightandsenseandterrorofmyownwickedness,yetIwasafraidtoletthissightandsensegoquiteoffmymind:thatunlessguiltofconsciencewas takenoff the rightway, that is, by the blood ofChrist aman grewratherworseforthelossofhistroubleofmind,thanbetter.Wherefore,ifmy guilt lay hard uponme, then I should cry that the blood of Christmight take it off: and if itwasgoingoffwithout it (for the sense of sinwouldbesometimesasifitwoulddie,andgoquiteaway),thenIwouldalsostrivetofetchituponmyheartagain,bybringingthepunishmentofsininhellfireuponmyspirit;andshouldcry,Lord,letitnotgooffmyheart,buttherightway,by thebloodofChrist,andtheapplicationofThymercy,throughHim,tomysoul, for that scripture laymuchuponme,withoutshedding of blood is no remission. Heb. ix. 22. And thatwhichmademe themore afraidof this,was, because Ihad seen some,whothoughwhentheywereunderwoundsofconscience,wouldcryandpray;yetseekingratherpresenteasefromtheirtrouble,thanpardonfortheir sin, carednot how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of theirmind: now, having got it off thewrongway, it was not sanctified untothem; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after theirtrouble.Thismademeafraid,andmademecrytoGodthemore,thatitmightnotbesowithme.

87.AndnowIwassorrythatGodhadmadememan,forIfearedIwasareprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all thecreatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, Icountedmyselfalone,andabovethemostofmenunblessed.

88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to somuchgoodnessofheart, as to thankGod thatHehadmademeaman. Manindeedisthemostnoblebycreation,ofallcreaturesinthevisibleworld;but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds,fishes,etc.Iblessedtheircondition;fortheyhadnotasinfulnature;they

werenotobnoxioustothewrathofGod;theywerenottogotohell-fireafterdeath;Icouldthereforehaverejoiced,hadmyconditionbeenasanyoftheirs.

89.InthisconditionIwentagreatwhile,butwhencomfortingtimewascome,Iheardonepreachasermononthesewordsinthesong,Songiv.1,Behold,thouartfair,mylove,behold,thouartfair.Butatthattimehemadethesetwowords,mylove,hischiefandsubjectmatter:fromwhich,after he had a little opened the text, he observed these severalconclusions:1.Thatthechurch,andsoeverysavedsoul,isChrist’slove,whenloveless. 2.Christ’s lovewithouta cause. 3.Christ’s love,whenhatedoftheworld. 4.Christ’s love,whenundertemptationandunderdestruction.5.Christ’slove,fromfirsttolast.

90.ButIgotnothingbywhathesaidatpresent;onlywhenhecametotheapplicationofthefourthparticular,thiswasthewordhesaid;Ifitbeso, that the saved soul is Christ’s love, when under temptation anddesertion; then poor tempted soul, when thou art assaulted, andafflictedwith temptations,and the hidings of God’s face,yet think onthesetwowords,‘Mylove,’still.

91. SoasIwasgoinghome, thesewordscameagain intomythoughts;andIwellremember,astheycamein,Isaidthusinmyheart,WhatshallI get by thinking on these two words? This thought had no soonerpassed throughmy heart, but these words began thus to kindle inmyspirit,ThouartMyLove,thouartMyDove,twentytimestogether;andstillastheyraninmymind,theywaxedstrongerandwarmer,andbeganto make me look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I stillrepliedinmyheart,Butisittrue,butisittrue?Atwhichthatsentencefelluponme,Hewistnotthatitwastrue,whichwasdonebytheAngel.Actsxii.9.

92. ThenIbegan togiveplace to thewordwhichwithpower,didoverandovermakethisjoyfulsoundwithinmysoul,‘ThouartmyLove,thouartMyLove,andnothingshallseparatetheefromMyLove. Andwiththatmyheartwasfilledfullofcomfortandhope,andnowIcouldbelievethatmysinsshouldbeforgivenme;yea,IwasnowsotakenwiththeloveandmercyofGod,thatIrememberIcouldnottellhowtocontaintillI

gothome:IthoughtIcouldhavespokenofHislove,andhavetoldofHismercy tome, even to the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed landsbeforeme, had they been capable to have understoodme: wherefore Isaidinmysoul,withmuchgladness,Well,IwouldIhadapenandinkhere,IwouldwritethisdownbeforeIgoanyfarther; forsurelyIwillnotforgetthisfortyyearshence.But,alas!withinlessthanfortydaysIbegantoquestionallagain;whichmademebegintoquestionallstill.

93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a truemanifestationofgraceuntomysoul, though Ihad lostmuchof the lifeandfavourofit. NowaboutaweekorafortnightafterthisIwasmuchfollowedbythisscripture,Simon,Simon;behold,Satanhathdesiredtohaveyou,Lukexxii.31,andsometimesitwouldsoundsoloudwithinme,yea,andasitwas,callsostronglyafterme,thatonce,abovealltherest,Iturnedmy head overmy shoulder, thinking verily that someman hadbehindme,calledme;beingatagreatdistance,methoughthecalledsoloud: it came,as Ihave thought since, tohave stirredmeup toprayer,andtowatchfulness:itcametoacquaintme,thatacloudandastormwascomingdownuponme:butIunderstooditnot.

94. Also,asIremember,thattimethat itcalledtomeso loud,wasthelasttimethatitsoundedinmineears;butmethinksIhearstillwithwhataloudvoicethesewords,Simon,Simon,soundedinmineears.Ithoughtverily,asIhavetoldyou,thatsomebodyhadcalledafterme,thatwashalfamilebehindme:andalthoughthatwasnotmyname,yet itmademesuddenlylookbehindme,believingthathethatcalledsoloud,meantme.

95.ButsofoolishwasI,andignorant,thatIknewnotthereasonofthissound;(whichasIdidbothseeandfeelsoonafter,wassentfromheavenasanalarm,toawakenmetoprovideforwhatwascoming,)onlyIshouldmuseandwonderinmymind,tothinkwhatshouldbethereasonofthisscripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still besounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon afterperceivedtheendofGodtherein.

96.For,aboutthespaceofamonthafter,averygreatstormcamedownuponme,whichhandledmetwentytimesworsethanallIhadmetwithbefore; it came stealing uponme, now by one piece, then by another:

First,allmycomfortwastakenfromme;thendarknessseizeduponme;afterwhich,whole floodsofblasphemies,bothagainstGod,Christ, andthe scriptures,were poured uponmy spirit, tomy great confusion andastonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred upquestions inmeagainst theverybeingofGod,andofHisonlybelovedSon:As,whethertherewereintruth,aGodorChrist?Andwhethertheholyscriptureswerenotratherafable,andcunningstory,thantheholyandpurewordofGod?

97.Thetempterwouldalsomuchassaultmewiththis,Howcanyoutellbut that theTurkshadasgood scriptures to prove theirMahomet theSaviour,aswehave toproveourJesus is? And,could I think,that somany ten thousands, in so many countries and kingdoms, should bewithouttheknowledgeoftherightwaytoheaven,(iftherewereindeedaheaven);and thatweonly,who live ina cornerof theearth, shouldalone be blessed therewith? Every one doth think his own religionrightest,bothJewsandMoors,andPagans;andhowifallourfaith,andChrist,andscriptures,shouldbebutathinksotoo?

98. Sometimes Ihave endeavoured to argueagainst these suggestions,andtosetsomeofthesentencesofblessedPaulagainstthem;butalas!Iquicklyfelt,whenI thusdid,sucharguingsasthesewouldreturnagainuponme,ThoughwemadesogreatamatterofPaul,andofhiswords,yethowcouldItell,butthatinverydeed,hebeingasubtleandcunningman,mightgivehimselfup todeceivewithstrongdelusions:and alsotakethepainsandtravel,toundoanddestroyhisfellows.

99. Thesesuggestions,(withmanyotherswhichatthistimeImaynot,anddarenotutter,neitherbywordorpen,)didmakesuchaseizureuponmy spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number,continuance,andfieryforce, thatI feltas if therewerenothingelsebutthesefrommorningtonightwithinme;andasthoughindeedtherecouldberoomfornothingelse;andalsoconcluded,thatGodhad,inverywrathtomysoul,givenmeuptothem,tobecarriedawaywiththem,aswithamightywhirlwind.

100. Onlybythedistastethattheygaveuntomyspirit,Ifelttherewassomethinginmethatrefusedtoembracethem.ButthisconsiderationI

thenonlyhad,whenGodgavemeleavetoswallowmyspittle;otherwisethenoise,andstrength,andforceofthesetemptationswoulddrownandoverflow,andas itwere,buryallsuchthoughts,ortheremembranceofanysuchthing. WhileIwas in this temptation, Ioften foundmymindsuddenlyputuponittocurseandswear,ortospeaksomegrievousthingagainstGod,orChristHisSon,andofthescriptures.

101. NowI thought,surely Iampossessedof thedevil:atother times,again,IthoughtIshouldbebereftofmywits;forinsteadoflaudingandmagnifyingGodtheLord,withothers,ifIhavebutheardHimspokenof,presently somemosthorribleblasphemous thoughtorotherwouldboltoutofmyheartagainstHim;sothatwhetherIdidthinkthatGodwas,oragaindidthinktherewasnosuchthing,nolove,norpeace,norgraciousdispositioncouldIfeelwithinme.

102. These things did sinkme into very deep despair; for I concludedthat such things could not possibly be found amongst them that lovedGod.Ioften,whenthesetemptationshadbeenwithforceuponme,didcomparemyself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath byforcetookupinherarms,andiscarryingfromfriendandcountry.Kicksometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in thewingsof the temptation,andthewindwouldcarrymeaway. I thoughtalsoofSaul, andof theevil spirit thatdidpossesshim:anddidgreatlyfearthatmyconditionwasthesamewiththatofhis.1Sam.x.

103. In these days,when I haveheard others talk ofwhatwas the sinagainsttheHolyGhost,thenwouldthetemptersoprovokemetodesireto sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neithershould be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would serve butthat.Ifitweretobecommittedbyspeakingofsuchaword,thenIhavebeenas ifmymouthwouldhavespoken thatword,whether Iwouldorno;andinsostrongameasurewasthistemptationuponme,thatoftenIhavebeenreadytoclapmyhandundermychin,toholdmymouthfromopening;andtothatendalso,Ihavehadthoughtsatothertimes,toleapwithmyheaddownward, intosomemuckhill-holeorother, tokeepmymouthfromspeaking.

104.NowagainIbeheldtheconditionofthedogandtoad,andcounted

theestateofeverythingthatGodhadmade,farbetterthanthisdreadfulstateofmine,andsuchasmycompanionswere.Yea,gladlywouldIhavebeenintheconditionofadogorhorse:forIknewtheyhadnosoulstoperishundertheeverlastingweightofhell,orsin,asminewasliketodo.Nay,andthoughIsawthis,feltthis,andwasbrokentopieceswithit;yetthatwhichaddedtomysorrowwas,Icouldnotfind,thatwithallmysoulIdiddesiredeliverance.Thatscripturedidalsotearandrendmysoulinthe midst of these distractions, The wicked are like the troubled sea,when it cannotrest,whosewaters cast upmireanddirt. There is nopeace,saithmyGod,tothewicked.Isa.lvii.20,21.

105. Andnowmyheartwas, at times, exceedinghard; if Iwould havegiven a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no norsometimesscarcedesiretoshedone.Iwasmuchdejected,tothinkthatthiswouldbemylot.Isawsomecouldmournandlamenttheirsin;andothers again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others again,couldquietlytalkof,andwithgladnessrememberthewordofGod;whileIonlywas in the stormor tempest. Thismuchsunkme, I thoughtmyconditionwasalone,Ishouldthereforemuchbewailmyhardhap,butgetoutof,orgetridofthesethings,Icouldnot.

106.Whilethistemptationlasted,whichwasaboutayear,Icouldattenduponnoneof theordinancesofGod,butwithsoreandgreataffliction.Yea,thenIwasmostdistressedwithblasphemies.IfIhadbeenhearingtheword, thenuncleanness, blasphemies and despairwould holdme acaptive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had suddenthoughts toquestionall I read:sometimesagain,mymindwouldbesostrangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I haveneitherknown,norregarded,norrememberedsomuchasthesentencethatbutnowIhaveread.

107.InprayeralsoIhavebeengreatlytroubledatthistime;sometimesIhavethoughtIhavefelthimbehindmepullingmyclothes:hewouldbealso continually atme in timeof prayer, to havedone, break off,makehaste,youhaveprayedenough,andstaynolonger;stilldrawingmymindaway. Sometimesalsohewould cast in suchwicked thoughtsas these;that Imust pray to him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that,Falldown;or,ifthouwiltfalldownandworshipme.Matt.iii.9.

108. Also,whenbecause Ihavehadwandering thoughts in the timeofthisduty,Ihavelabouredtocomposemymind,andfixituponGod;thenwithgreatforcehaththetempterlabouredtodistractme,andconfoundme,andtoturnawaymymind,bypresentingtomyheartandfancy,theformofabush,abull,abesom,orthelike,asifIshouldpraytothese:Tothesehewouldalso(atsometimesespecially)soholdmymind,thatIwasasifIcouldthinkofnothingelse,orpraytonothingelsebuttothese,orsuchasthey.

109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affectingapprehensionsofGod,andtherealityofthetruthofHisgospel.But,oh!howwouldmy heart, at such times, put forth itself with unexpressiblegroanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should cry withpangsafterGod,thatHewouldbemercifuluntome;butthenIshouldbedauntedagainwith such conceits as these: I should think thatGod didmock at thesemyprayers, saying, and that in the audienceof theholyangels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me, as if I hadnothingtodowithMymercy,buttobestowitonsuchashe.Alas,poorsoul!howart thoudeceived! It is not for such as thee to have favourwiththeHighest.

110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with suchdiscouragements as these:You are very hot formercy,but Iwill coolyou;thisframeshallnotlastalways:manyhavebeenashotasyoufora spurt,but I have quenched their zeal (andwith this, such and such,whowere fallenoff,wouldbe set beforemine eyes). Then I shouldbeafraidthatIshoulddosotoo:But,thoughtI,Iamgladthiscomesintomymind:well, Iwillwatch,andtakewhatcareIcan. Thoughyoudo,said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will cool you insensibly, bydegrees,by little and little. What care I, saith he, though I be sevenyearsinchillingyourheart,ifIcandoitatlast?Continualrockingwilllull a crying child asleep: I will ply it close, but I will have my endaccomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, I can pull youfromthisfire;Ishallhaveyoucoldbeforeitbelong.

111.Thesethingsbroughtmeintogreatstraits;forasIatpresentcouldnot findmyself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long, would

makeme yetmore unfit; for timewouldmakeme forget all, andweareven the remembrance of the evil of sin, theworth of heaven, and theneed I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind andthought:but I thankChristJesus, these thingsdidnotatpresentmakemeslackmycrying,butratherdidputmemoreuponit(likeherwhometwithadulterer,Deut.xxii.26),inwhichdaysthatwasagoodwordtome,after Ihad suffered these thingsawhile:—Iampersuaded thatneitherdeath,nor life, etc., shall be able to separate us from the love of GodwhichisinChristJesusourLord. Rom.viii.38,39. AndnowIhopedlonglifewouldnotdestroyme,normakememissofheaven.

112. YetIhadsomesupportsinthistemptation,thoughtheywerethenallquestionedbyme;thatinJer.iii.atthefirstwassomethingtome;andsowastheconsiderationofverse5ofthatchapter;thatthoughwehavespokenanddoneasevilthingsaswecould,yetweshouldcryuntoGod,MyFather,ThouarttheGuideofmyyouth,andshallreturnuntoHim.

113.Ihad,also,onceasweetglancefromthatin2Cor.v.21:ForHehathmadeHimtobesinforus,Whoknewnosin,thatwemightbemadetherighteousnessofGodinHim. Irememberthatoneday,asIwassittingin a neighbour’s house, and there very sad at the consideration ofmymanyblasphemies;andasIwassayinginmymind,WhatgroundhaveItosaythat,whohavebeensovileandabominable,shouldever inheriteternal life? Thatwordcamesuddenlyuponme,Whatshallwesaytothesethings? IfGod be for us,who can be against us?Rom. viii. 31.Thatalsowasanhelpuntome,Because I live,yeshall livealso. Johnxiv.19.Butthesewordswerebuthints,touches,andshortvisits,thoughverysweetwhenpresent;onlytheylastednot;but,liketoPeter’ssheet,ofasuddenwerecaughtupfromme,toheavenagain.Actsx.16.

114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discoverHimself untome, and indeed, did quite, not only deliverme from theguiltthat,bythesethingswaslaiduponmyconscience,butalsofromtheveryfilththereof;forthetemptationwasremoved,andIwasputintomyrightmindagain,asotherChristianswere.

115. I remember thatoneday,as Iwas travelling into the country, andmusingon thewickednessandblasphemyofmyheart,andconsidering

the enmity that was inme to God, that scripture came into mymind,HavingmadepeacethroughthebloodofHiscross.Col.i.20.BywhichI wasmade to see, both again and again, that God and my soul werefriendsbyHisblood;yea,IsawthatthejusticeofGod,andmysinfulsoulcouldembraceandkisseachother,throughHisblood. Thiswasagooddaytome;IhopeIshallneverforgetit.

116.Atanothertime,asIsatbythefireinmyhouse,andwasmusingonmy wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me,Forasmuchthenasthechildrenarepartakersoffleshandblood,HealsoHimself likewise took part of the same, that through death He mightdestroyhimthathad thepowerofdeath,that is thedevil;and deliverthose who through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject tobondage.Heb.ii.14,15.Ithoughtthatthegloryofthesewordswasthensoweighty onme, that Iwas both once and twice ready to swoon as Isate;yetnotwithgriefandtrouble,butwithsolidjoyandpeace.

117.AtthistimealsoIsateunderofholyMrGifford,whosedoctrine,byGod’s grace, was much for my stability. This man made it much hisbusiness todeliver the people ofGod fromall those false andunsoundtests,thatbynatureweareproneto.Hewouldbidustakespecialheed,thatwe tooknot up any truth upon trust; as from this, or that, or anyothermanormen;buttocrymightilytoGod,thatHewouldconvinceusof the reality thereof, and setusdown thereinbyHisownSpirit in theholyword;For,saidhe,ifyoudootherwise,whentemptationscome, ifstrongly,younothavingreceivedthemwithevidencefromheaven,willfind you want that help and strength now to resist, that once youthoughtyouhad.

118.Thiswasasseasonabletomysoul,astheformerandlatterrainsintheir season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth ofthesehiswords:forIhadfeltnomancansay,especiallywhentemptedbythedevil,thatJesusChristisLord,butbytheHolyGhost).WhereforeIfoundmysoul,throughgrace,veryapttodrinkinthisdoctrine,andtoinclinetopraytoGod,thatinnothingthatpertainedtoGod’sglory,andmy own eternal happiness, He would suffer me to be without theconfirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was anexceeding difference betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the

revelations of God in heaven: also a great difference betwixt that faiththatisfeigned,andaccordingtoman’swisdom,andthatwhichcomesbyaman’sbeingborntheretoofGod.Matt.xvi.15;1Johnv.1.

119.But,oh!now,howwasmysoulledfromtruthtotruthbyGod!EvenfromthebirthandcradleoftheSonofGod,toHisaccession,andsecondcomingfromheaventojudgetheworld!

120.Truly,Ithenfound,uponthisaccount,thegreatGodwasverygooduntome; for, tomy remembrance, therewas not any thing that I thencrieduntoGodtomakeknown,andrevealuntome,butHewaspleasedtodoitforme;Imean,notonepartofthegospeloftheLordJesus,butIwas orderly led into it:methought I sawwith great evidence, from therelation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in givingJesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even to Hissecondcomingtojudgment:methoughtIwasasifIhadseenHimborn,as if I had seenHim grow up; as if I had seenHimwalk through thisworld,fromthecradletothecross;towhichalso,whenHecame,IsawhowgentlyHegaveHimself tobehanged,andnailedon it formy sinsand wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress, thatdroppedonmyspirit,Hewasordainedfortheslaughter. 1Peter i.12,20.

121.WhenIhaveconsideredalsothetruthofHisresurrection,andhaveremembered thatword,TouchMenot,Mary, etc., Ihave seenas ifHehadleapedoutofthegrave’smouth,forjoythatHewasrisenagain,andhadgottheconquestoverourdreadfulfoes.Johnxx.17.Ihavealsointhespirit,seenHimaman,ontherighthandofGodtheFatherforme;andhaveseenthemannerofHiscomingfromheaven,tojudgetheworldwithglory,andhavebeenconfirmed in these thingsby these scripturesfollowing,Actsi.9,10,andvii.56,andx.42;Heb.vii.24andix.28;Rev.i.18;1Thess.iv.17,18.

112. Once Iwas troubled to knowwhether theLordJesuswasmanaswellasGod,andGodaswellasman:andtruly,inthosedays,letmensaywhat they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all wasnothingtome;IcountedmyselfnotsetdowninanytruthofGod.Well,Iwas much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be

resolved;atlast,thatinRev.v.6cameintomymind:AndIbeheld,and,to,inthemidstofthethrone,andofthefourbeasts,andinthemidstoftheelders,stoodaLamb,asithadbeenslain.Inthemidstofthethrone,thought I, there is theGodhead; in themidstof theelders, there isHismanhood;but,oh!methoughtthisdidglister!Itwasagoodlytouch,andgavemesweetsatisfaction. Thatotherscripturealsodidhelpmemuchin this, For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and thegovernment shall be uponHis shoulder:andHis name shall be calledWonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, thePrinceofPeace,etc.Isa.ix.6.

123.AlsobesidestheseteachingsofGodinHisword,theLordmadeuseof two things toconfirmme in this truth; theonewas theerrorsof theQuakersandtheotherwastheguiltofsin;forastheQuakersdidopposethistruth,soGoddidthemoreconfirmmeinit,byleadingmeintothescripturethatdidwonderfullymaintainit.

124.Theerrorsthatthispeoplethenmaintained,were:—

‘1.ThattheholyscriptureswerenotthewordofGod.

‘2.ThateverymanintheworldhadthespiritofChrist,grace,faith,etc.

‘3.ThatChristJesus,ascrucified,anddyingsixteenhundredyearsago,didnotsatisfydivinejusticeforthesinsofthepeople.

‘4.ThatChrist’sfleshandbloodwerewithinthesaints.

‘5. That thebodies of the goodandbad that areburied in the church-yard,shallnotariseagain.

‘6.Thattheresurrectionispastwithgoodmenalready.

‘7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, onmountCalvary,inthelandofCanaan,byJerusalem,wasnotascendedabovethestarryheavens.

‘8.ThatHeshouldnot,eventhesameJesusthatdiedbythehandsoftheJews,comeagainatthelastday;andasman,judgeallnations,’etc.

125.Manymorevileandabominablethingswereinthosedaysfomentedbythem,bywhichIwasdriventoamorenarrowsearchofthescriptures,and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, butgreatlyconfirmedandcomfortedinthetruth:And,asIsaid,theguiltofsindidhelpmemuch;forstillasthatwouldcomeuponme,thebloodofChrist did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too sweetly,accordingtothescripture. Ofriends!crytoGodtorevealJesusChristuntoyou;thereisnoneteachethlikeHim.

126.Itwouldbetoolongheretostay,totellyouinparticular,howGoddid set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that Hemightsodo,leadmeintoHiswords;yea,andalsohowHedidopenthemuntome,andmakethemshinebeforeme,andcausethemtodwellwithme,talkwithme,andcomfortmeoverandover,bothofHisownbeing,andthebeingofHisSon,andSpirit,andword,andgospel.

127.Onlythis,asIsaidbefore,Iwillsayuntoyouagain,thatingeneral,He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me to beafflictedwith temptations concerning them, and then reveal themuntome;assometimesIshould lieundergreatguilt forsin,evencrushedtothe ground therewith; and then the Lord would showme the death ofChrist;yea,sosprinklemyconsciencewithHisblood,thatIshouldfind,andthatbeforeIwasaware,thatinthatconscience,wherebut justnowdidreignandragethelaw,eventherewouldrestandabidethepeaceandloveofGod,throughChrist.

128.NowIhadanevidence,asIthought,ofmysalvation,fromheaven,withmany golden seals thereon, all hanging inmy sight. Now could Iremember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, withcomfort;and shouldoften longanddesire that the lastdaywere come,thatImightbeforeverinflamedwiththesight,andjoy,andcommunionofHim,Whoseheadwascrownedwiththorns,Whosefacewasspitupon,andbodybroken, and soulmade anoffering formy sins. ForwhereasbeforeIlaycontinuallytremblingatthemouthofhell,nowmethoughtIwas got so far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarcediscernit!Andoh!thoughtI,thatIwerefourscoreyearsoldnow,thatImightdiequickly,thatmysoulmightbegonetorest.

129. But before I had got thus far out of thesemy temptations, I didgreatly long to see some ancient godlyman’s experience,who hadwritsomehundredsofyearsbeforeIwasborn;forthosewhohadwritinourdays,Ithought(butIdesirethemnowtopardonme)thattheyhadwritonlythatwhichothersfelt;orelsehad,throughthestrengthoftheirwitsand parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived otherswereperplexedwith,withoutgoingdownthemselvesintothedeep.Well,aftermanysuch longings inmymind, theGod, inWhosehandsareallour days andways, did cast intomy hand (one day) a book ofMartinLuther’s;itwashisCommentontheGalatians;italsowassoold,thatitwas ready to fall piece frompiece if I did but turn it over. Now Iwaspleasedmuchthatsuchanoldbookhadfallenintomyhand,thewhichwhen I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in hisexperience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had beenwrittenoutofmyheart. Thismadememarvel:forthusthoughtI,ThismancouldnotknowanythingofthestateofChristiansnow,butmustneedswriteandspeaktheexperienceofformerdays.

130.Besides,hedothmostgravelyalsointhatbook,debateoftheriseofthese temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like;showingthatthelawofMoses,aswellasthedevil,death,andhell,hathaverygreathandtherein: thewhich,at first,wasverystrangetome;butconsideringandwatching,Ifounditsoindeed.Butofparticularshere,Iintend nothing; only thismethinks Imust let fall before allmen—I dopreferthisbookofMartinLutherupontheGalatians(exceptingtheHolyBible)beforeallthebooksthateverIhadseen,asmostfitforawoundedconscience.

131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: Oh!methoughtmysoulcleaveduntoHim,myaffectionscleaveduntoHim;IfeltlovetoHimashotasfire;andnow,asJobsaid,IthoughtIshoulddieinmynest;butIdidquicklyfind, thatmygreat lovewasbut little;andthatI,whohad,asIthought,suchburninglovetoJesusChrist,couldletHimgoagainforaverytrifle,—Godcantellhowtoabaseus,andcanhidepridefromman.Quicklyafterthismylovewastriedtopurpose.

132.ForaftertheLordhad,inthismanner,thusgraciouslydeliveredmefromthisgreatandsoretemptation,andhadsetmedownsosweetlyin

the faith ofHis holy gospel, andhad givenme such strong consolationand blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His lovethroughChrist; thetemptercameuponmeagain,andthatwithamoregrievousanddreadfultemptationthanbefore.

133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, toexchangeHimforthethingsofthis life, foranything. Thetemptationlayuponmeforthespaceofayear,anddidfollowmesocontinually,thatIwasnot rid of it one day in amonth: no, not sometimes onehour inmanydaystogether,unlesswhenIwasasleep.

134.Andthough,inmyjudgment,Iwaspersuaded,thatthosewhowereonce effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seenmyself)couldneverloseHimforever;Thelandshallnotbesoldforever,for the land ismine, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. Yet it was a continualvexationtome,tothinkthatIshouldhavesomuchasonesuchthoughtwithinmeagainstaChrist,aJesus,thathaddoneformeasHehaddone;andyetthenIhadalmostnoneothers,butsuchblasphemousones.

135.Butitwasneithermydislikeofthethought,noryetanydesireandendeavourtoresist,thatintheleastdidshakeorabatethecontinuationor force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever Ithought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could neither eatmyfood,stoopforapin,chopastick,orcastmineeyetolookonthisorthat, but still the temptation would come, Sell Christ for this, or sellChristforthat;sellHim,sellHim.

136. Sometimesitwouldruninmythoughts,notso littleasahundredtimestogether,SellHim,sellHim,sellHim:againstwhich,Imaysay,forwholehourstogether,Ihavebeenforcedtostandascontinuallyleaningand forcingmy spirit against it, lest haply, before I were aware, somewickedthoughtmightariseinmyheart,thatmightconsentthereto;andsometimesthetempterwouldmakemebelieveIhadconsentedtoit;butthenIshouldbe,astortureduponarackforwholedaystogether.

137. This temptation did putme to such scares, lest I should at sometimes,Isay,consentthereto,andbeovercometherewith,thatbytheveryforceofmymind,inlabouringtogainsayandresistthiswickedness,my

very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing orthrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as thedestroyersaid,SellHim;Iwillnot,Iwillnot,Iwillnot,Iwillnot;no,notfor thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds: thus reckoning, lest Ishould, in themidstof theseassaults,set too lowavalueonHim;evenuntilIscarcewellknewwhereIwas,orhowtobecomposedagain.

138. At these seasons he would not let me eatmy food at quiet; but,forsooth,whenIwassetatthetableatmymeat,Imustgohencetopray;Imust leavemyfoodnow, justnow,socounterfeitholyalsowould thisdevilbe.WhenIwasthustempted,Iwouldsayinmyself,NowIamatmeat;letmemakeanend.No,saidhe,youmustdoitnow,oryouwilldispleaseGod,anddespiseChrist. WhereforeIwasmuchafflictedwiththesethings;andbecauseofthesinfulnessofmynature(imaginingthatthesewereimpulsesfromGod),Ishoulddenytodoit,asifIdeniedGod,andthenshouldIbeasguilty,becauseIdidnotobeyatemptationofthedevil,asifIhadbrokenthelawofGodindeed.

139.Buttobebrief:onemorningasIdidlieinmybed,Iwas,asatothertimes,mostfiercelyassaultedwiththistemptation,TosellandpartwithChrist; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, Sell Him, sellHim,sellHim,sellHim,sellHim,as fastasamancouldspeak:againstwhich also, inmymind, as at other times, I answered,No,no,not forthousands,thousands,thousands,at least twenty times together:butatlast,aftermuchstriving,evenuntilIwasalmostoutofbreath,Ifeltthisthought pass throughmy heart,Let Him go, if Hewill; and I thoughtalso, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence ofSatan!Oh!thedesperatenessofman’sheart!

140.Nowwasthebattlewon,anddownfellIasabirdthatisshotfromthetopofatree,intogreatguilt,andfearfuldespair.Thusgettingoutofmy bed, Iwentmoping into the field; butGod knows,with as heavy aheart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of twohours,Iwaslikeamanbereftoflife;and,asnow,pastallrecovery,andboundovertoeternalpunishment.

141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: Or profanepersonsasEsau,whoforonemorselofmeat,soldhisbirthright:forye

know,howthatafterward,whenhewouldhaveinheritedtheblessing,hewasrejected;forhefoundnoplaceofrepentance,thoughhesoughtitcarefullywithtears.Heb.xii.16,17.

142.NowwasIasonebound,Ifeltmyselfshutupuntothejudgmenttocome; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, butdamnation,andanexpectationofdamnation:Isay,nothingnowwouldabidewithmebutthis,savesomefewmomentsforrelief,asinthesequelyouwillsee.

143.Thesewordsweretomysoul,likefettersofbrasstomylegs,inthecontinualsoundofwhichIwentforseveralmonthstogether.Butabouttenoreleveno’clockonthatday,asIwaswalkingunderanhedge(fullofsorrowandguilt,Godknows),andbemoaningmyself forthishardhap,that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentencerushedinuponme,ThebloodofChristremitsallguilt.AtthisImadeastandinmyspirit:withthatthiswordtookholduponme,ThebloodofJesusChristHisSon,cleansethusfromallsin.1Johni.7.

144.NowIbegantoconceivepeaceinmysoul,andmethoughtIsaw,asifthetempterdidleerandstealawayfromme,asbeingashamedofwhathehaddone.AtthesametimealsoIhadmysin,andthebloodofChrist,thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood ofChrist,wasnomoretoit,thanthislittleclodorstonebeforeme,istothisvastandwidefieldthathereIsee.Thisgavemegoodencouragementforthespaceoftwoorthreehours;inwhichtimealso,methought,Isaw,byfaith,theSonofGod,assufferingformysins:butbecauseittarriednot,Ithereforesunkinmyspirit,underexceedingguiltagain.

145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esau’ssellingofhisbirthright; for that scripturewould lieallday long,all theweeklong,yea,alltheyearlonginmymind,andholdmedown,sothatIcouldbynomeansliftupmyself;forwhenIwouldstrivetoturntothisscriptureorthat,forrelief,stillthatsentencewouldbesoundinginme;Foryeknow,how that afterwards,when hewould have inherited theblessing,hefoundnoplaceofrepentance,thoughhesoughtitcarefullywithtears.

146.Sometimes,indeed,IshouldhaveatouchfromthatinLukexxii.31,Ihaveprayedfortheethatthyfaithfailnot;butitwouldnotabideuponme;neithercouldI, indeed,whenIconsideredmystate, findgroundtoconceive in the least, that there shouldbe the root of that grace inme,havingsinnedasIhaddone. NowwasItoreandrentinanheavycaseformanydaystogether.

147. Thenbegan Iwith sadandcarefulheart to considerof thenatureandlargenessofmysin,andtosearchintothewordofGod,ifIcouldinanyplaceespyawordofpromise,oranyencouragingsentence,bywhichImighttakerelief.WhereforeIbegantoconsiderthatofMarkiii.28:Allsinsshallbeforgivenuntothesonsofmen,andblasphemieswherewithsoever they shall blaspheme. Which place, methought at a blush, didcontainalargeandgloriouspromiseforthepardonofhighoffences;butconsideringtheplacemorefully,Ithoughtitwasrathertobeunderstood,as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate,committedsuchthingsas therearementioned;butnot tome,whohadnot only received light and mercy, but that had both after, and alsocontrarytothat,soslightedChristasIhaddone.

148. I feared, therefore, that thiswickedsinofmine,mightbe that sinunpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. But he that shallblaspheme against the Holy Ghost, hath never forgiveness, but is indangerof eternal damnation. Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather givecredit to this, because of that sentence in theHebrews:For you knowhowthatafterwards,whenhewouldhaveinheritedtheblessing,hewasrejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought itcarefullywithtears.Andthisstuckalwayswithme.

149.AndnowwasIbothaburthenandaterrortomyself;nordidIeversoknow,asnow,whatitwastobewearyofmylife,andyetafraidtodie.Oh!howgladlynowwouldIhavebeenanybodybutmyself!anythingbutaman,andinanyconditionbutmyown!Fortherewasnothingdidpassmorefrequentlyovermymind,thanthatitwasimpossibleformetobeforgivenmytransgression,andtobesavedfromthewrathtocome.

150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing athousandtimestwicetold,thatthedaywasyettocomewhenIshouldbe

temptedtosuchasin;concludingwithgreatindignation,bothagainstmyheart,andallassaults,howIwouldratherhavebeentorninpieces,thanbefoundaconsenterthereto.Butalas!thesethoughts,andwishings,andresolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passed myheart,Godhath letmego,andIamfallen. Oh! thoughtI,that itwerewithmeasinmonthspast,asinthedayswhenGodpreservedme!Jobxxix.2.

151.Thenagain,beinglothandunwillingtoperish,IbegantocomparemysinwithotherstoseeifIcouldfindthatanyofthosethatweresaved,haddoneasIhaddone. SoIconsideredDavid’sadultery,andmurder,and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed afterlight and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressionswere only such aswere against the law ofMoses, fromwhich the LordChrist could, with the consent ofHis word, deliver him: butminewasagainst the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold mySaviour.

152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when Iconsidered,that,besidestheguiltthatpossessedme,Ishouldbesovoidofgrace,sobewitched.What,thoughtI,mustitbenosinbutthis?Mustitneedsbethegreattransgression? Ps.xix.13. Mustthatwickedonetouch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I find in all thesesentences?

153.What,thoughtI,istherebutonesinthatisunpardonable?butonesinthatlayeththesoulwithoutthereachofGod’smercy;andmustIbeguiltyofthat?mustitneedsbethat?Istherebutonesinamongsomanymillions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; andmust I committhis?Oh!unhappysin!Oh!unhappyman!Thesethingswouldsobreakand confoundmy spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought attimes,theywouldhavebrokemywits;andstill,toaggravatemymisery,thatwouldrun inmymind,Youknow,how,thatafterwards,when hewouldhave inherited theblessing,hewasrejected. Oh!no one knowstheterrorsofthosedaysbutmyself.

154.AfterthisIbegantoconsiderofPeter’ssin,whichhecommittedindenyinghisMaster:andindeed,thiscamenighesttomineofanythatI

could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercyreceived;yea,and that too,afterwarninggivenhim. Ialsoconsidered,that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to considerbetwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, ifpossible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but adenialofhisMaster,butminewas,asellingofmySaviour.WhereforeIthoughtwithmyself,thatIcamenearertoJudas,thaneithertoDavidorPeter.

155.Hereagainmytormentwouldflameoutandafflictme;yea,itwouldgrind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of Godtowardsothers,whileIfell intothesnare;forinmythusconsideringofothermen’ssins,andcomparingthemwithmineown,Icouldevidentlysee,Godpreserved them,notwithstanding theirwickedness, andwouldnotletthem,asHehadletme,becomeasonofperdition.

156.Butoh!howdidmysoulatthistimeprizethepreservationthatGoddidsetaboutHispeople!Ah,howsafelydidIseethemwalk,whomGodhad hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and specialprovidence:thoughtheywerefullasbadasIbynature;yetbecauseHelovedthem,Hewouldnotsufferthemtofallwithouttherangeofmercy:butasforme,Iwasgone,Ihaddoneit:Hewouldnotpreserveme,norkeep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I haddone. Now did those blessed places that speak of God’s keeping Hispeople, shine like the sun beforeme, though not to comfortme, yet toshow me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord hadblessed.

157. Now I saw, that as God hadHis hand in all the providences anddispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all thetemptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them towickedness,but tochoose their temptationsandtroubles for them;andalsotoleavethemforatime,tosuchsinsonlythatmightnotdestroy,buthumblethem;asmightnotputthembeyond,butlaytheminthewayoftherenewingHismercy.Butoh!whatlove,whatcare,whatkindnessandmercydidInowsee,mixingitselfwiththemostsevereanddreadfulofallGod’s ways to His people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon,Peter, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall into sin

unpardonable,norintohellforsin.Oh!thoughtI,thesebethementhatGodhathloved;thesebethementhatGod,thoughHechastiseththem,keepstheminsafetybyHim;andthemwhomHemakestoabideundertheshadowoftheAlmighty. Butallthesethoughtsaddedsorrow,grief,andhorrortome,aswhateverInowthoughton,itwaskillingtome.IfIthoughthowGodkeptHisown,thatwaskillingtome;ifIthoughtofhowIwasfallenmyself,thatwaskillingtome.Asallthingswroughttogetherforthebest,andtodogoodtothemthatwerethecalled,accordingtoHispurpose,soIthoughtthatallthingswroughtformydamage,andformyeternaloverthrow.

158.ThenagainIbegantocomparemysinwiththesinofJudas,that,ifpossible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth isunpardonable: andoh! thought I, if it shoulddiffer from it, thoughbutthe breadth of an hair,what a happy condition ismy soul in! And byconsidering, I found that Judas did this intentionally, but mine wasagainstmyprayerandstrivings:besides,hiswascommittedwithmuchdeliberation,butmineinafearfulhurry,onasudden:allthiswhileIwastossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow;hearing always the sound ofEsau’s fall inmine ears, and the dreadfulconsequencesthereof.

159.YetthisconsiderationaboutJudas’ssinwas,forawhile,somelittlerelieftome;forIsawIhadnot,astothecircumstances,transgressedsofullyashe. But thiswasquicklygoneagain, for I thoughtwithmyself,theremightbemorewaysthanonetocommitthisunpardonablesin;alsoI thought there might be degrees of that, as well as of othertransgressions;wherefore,foraughtIyetcouldperceive,thisiniquityofminemightbesuch,asmightneverbepassedby.

160.IwasoftennowashamedthatIshouldbelikesuchanuglymanasJudas:IthoughtalsohowloathsomeIshouldbeuntoallthesaintsatthedayofjudgment:insomuchthatnowIcouldscarceseeagoodman,thatIbelieved had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble athim,whileIwasinhispresence.Oh!nowIsawagloryinwalkingwithGod,andwhatamercyitwastohaveagoodconsciencebeforeHim.

161.Iwasmuchaboutthattimetemptedtocontentmyselfbyreceiving

some false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day ofjudgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no suchgrievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus:For if these things shouldindeed be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for thepresent. If you must perish, never torment yourself so muchbeforehand: drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, bypossessing your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists andRantersusetohelpthemselveswithal.

162. Butoh!whensuchthoughtshaveledthroughmyheart,how,as itwere, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view!methoughtthejudgestoodatthedoor;Iwasasifitwascomealready;sothat such things could have no entertainment. Butmethinks, I see bythis,thatSatanwilluseanymeanstokeepthesoulfromChrist;helovethnotanawakenedframeofspirit;security,blindness,darkness,anderror,istheverykingdomandhabitationofthewickedone.

163. I found it a hardwork now to pray to God, because despair wasswallowingmeup; I thought Iwasaswitha tempestdrivenawayfromGod;foralwayswhenIcriedtoGodformercy,thiswouldcomein, ’Tistoo late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not to my correction, butcondemnation:mysin isunpardonable;andIknow,concerningEsau,how that after he had sold his birthright,hewould have received theblessing,butwasrejected. About this time Idid lighton thatdreadfulstory of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to mytroubledspirit,assalt,whenrubbedintoafreshwound:everysentenceinthatbook,everygroanofthatman,withalltherestofhisactionsinhisdolours, ashis tears, hisprayers, his gnashingof teeth,hiswringingofhands,histwiningandtwisting,andlanguishing,andpiningawayunderthatmightyhandofGodthatwasuponhim,wereasknivesanddaggersinmysoul;especiallythatsentenceofhiswasfrightfultome,Manknowsthebeginningofsin?butwhoboundstheissuesthereof?Thenwouldtheformer sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderboltagainuponmyconscience;Foryouknowhowthatafterwards,whenhewouldhaveinheritedtheblessing,hewasrejected;forhefoundnoplaceofrepentance,thoughhesoughtitcarefullywithtears.

164.ThenshouldIbestruckintoaverygreattrembling,insomuchthat

atsometimesIcould,forwholedaystogether,feelmyverybody,aswellas my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadfuljudgment ofGod, that should fall on those that have sinned thatmostfearfulandunpardonablesin. Ifeltalsosuchacloggingandheatatmystomach,byreasonofthismyterror,thatIwas,especiallyatsometimes,as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of thatconcerning Judas, who by falling headlong, he burst asunder in themidst,andallhisbowelsgushedout.Actsi.18.

165. I fearedalsothatthiswasthemarkthattheLorddidsetonCain,evencontinualfearandtrembling,undertheheavy loadofguilt thathehadchargedonhimforthebloodofhisbrotherAbel. ThusdidIwind,and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; whichburthenalsodidsooppressme,thatIcouldneitherstand,norgo,norlie,eitheratrestorquiet.

166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind,He hathreceivedgiftsfortherebellious.Psalmlxviii.18.Therebellious,thoughtI!whysurelytheyaresuchasoncewereundersubjectiontotheirPrince;eventhosewhoaftertheyhaveswornsubjectiontoHisgovernment,havetakenuparmsagainstHim;andthis, thoughtI, ismyverycondition:Ionce lovedHim, fearedHim,servedHim;butnowIama rebel; IhavesoldHim, I have said,LetHimgo, ifHewill; but yetHe has gifts forrebels;andthenwhynotforme?

167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take holdthereof,thatsome,thoughsmallrefreshment,mighthavebeenconceivedbyme; but in this also Imissed ofmy desire; I was driven with forcebeyondit;Iwaslikeamangoingtoexecution,evenbythatplacewherehewouldfaincreepinandhidehimself,butmaynot.

168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints inparticular,andfoundminewentbeyondthem,thenIbegantothinkwithmyself, Set the case I should put all theirs together, andmine aloneagainst them,might I not then find some encouragement? for ifmine,thoughbiggerthananyone,yetshouldbebutequaltoall, thenthere ishopes;forthatbloodthathathvirtueenoughinittowashawayalltheirs,hadvirtueenoughinittodoawaymine,thoughthisonebefullasbig,if

notbiggerthanalltheirs.Hereagain,IshouldconsiderthesinofDavid,ofSolomon, ofManasseh, ofPeter, and the rest of the great offenders;and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate andheightentheirsinsbyseveralcircumstances.

169. I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover hisadultery, and thatby the swordof the childrenofAmmon; awork thatcouldnotbedone,butbycontinuance,deliberatecontrivance,whichwasagreataggravationtohissin.Butthenthiswouldturnuponme:Ah!butthesewerebutsinsagainstthelaw,fromwhichtherewasaJesussenttosavethem;butyoursisasinagainsttheSaviour,andwhoshallsaveyoufromthat?

170. Then I thoughtonSolomon, andhowhe sinned in loving strangewomen,fallingawaytotheiridols,inbuildingthemtemples,indoingthisafter light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the sameconclusion thatcutmeoff in the formerconsideration,cutmeoffas tothis;namely,thatallthosewerebutsinsagainstthelaw,forwhichGodhadprovidedaremedy;butIhadsoldmySaviour,andthereremainednomoresacrificeforsin.

171.Iwouldthenaddtothesemen’ssins,thesinsofManasseh;howthathebuiltaltarsforidolsinthehouseoftheLord;healsoobservedtimes,used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had hisfamiliarspirits,burnedhischildreninthefire insacrificetodevils,andmade the streets of Jerusalem run down with the blood of innocents.These,thoughtI,aregreatsins,sinsofabloodycolour,butyetitwouldturnagainuponme,Theyarenoneofthemofthenatureofyours;youhavepartedwithJesus,youhavesoldyourSaviour.

172.Thisoneconsiderationwouldalwayskillmyheart,mysinwaspointblankagainstmySaviour;andthattoo,atthatheight,thatIhadinmyheartsaidofHim,LetHimgo, ifHewill. Oh!methought this sinwasbiggerthanthesinsofacountry,ofakingdom,orofthewholeworld,noonepardonable;norallof themtogether,wasable toequalmine;mineout-wentthemeveryone.

173.NowIshouldfindmymindtofleefromGod,asfromthefaceofa

dreadfuljudge,yetthiswasmytorment,IcouldnotescapeHishand:(ItisafearfulthingtofallintothehandsofthelivingGod.Hebrewx.)But,blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, asrunningafterme,Ihaveblottedout,asathickcloud,thytransgressions;and as a cloud, thy sins: return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee.Isaiahxliv. 22. This, I say,would come inuponmymind,when IwasfleeingfromthefaceofGod;forIdidfleefromHisface;thatis,mymindandspiritfledbeforeHim;byreasonofHishighness,Icouldnotendure:thenwouldthetextcry,ReturnuntoMe; itwouldcryaloudwithaverygreat voice,Return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Indeed, thiswouldmakememakealittlestop,and,asitwere,lookovermyshoulderbehindme,toseeifIcoulddiscernthattheGodofgracedidfollowmewithapardoninHishand;butIcouldnosoonerdothat,butallwouldbecloudedanddarkenedagainby that sentence,Foryouknow,how thatafterwards,when he would have inherited the blessing, he found noplaceofrepentance,thoughhesoughtitcarefullywithtears.WhereforeI could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, Return,return,asifitdidhollowafterme:butIfearedtocloseintherewith,lestitshouldnotcomefromGod;forthatother,asIsaid,wasstillsoundinginmyconscience,Foryouknowthatafterwards,whenhewouldhaveinheritedtheblessing,hewasrejected,etc.

174.OnceasIwaswalkingtoandfroinagoodman’sshop,bemoaningof myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrenceforthiswickedandungodlythought;lamentingalsothishardhapofmineforthatIshouldcommitsogreatasin,greatlyfearingthatIshouldnotbepardoned;prayingalsoinmyheart,thatifthissinofminediddifferfromthatagainsttheHolyGhost,theLordwouldshowitme.Andbeingnowreadytosinkwithfear,suddenlytherewas,asiftherehadrushedinat thewindow,thenoiseofwinduponme,butverypleasant,andasifIheardavoicespeaking,Did’stthoueverrefusetobejustifiedbythebloodofChrist?andwithal,mywholelifeofprofessionpast,wasinamomentopenedtome,whereinIwasmadetosee,thatdesignedlyIhad not: somy heart answered groaningly,No. Then fell,with power,thatword ofGoduponme,See that ye refuse notHim that speaketh.Hebrewxii.25. Thismadeastrangeseizureuponmyspirit; itbroughtlight with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all those

tumultuousthoughts,thatdidbeforeuse,likemasterlesshell-hounds,toroar andbellow, andmake anhideousnoisewithinme. It showedmealsothatJesusChristhadyetawordofgraceandmercyforme,thatHehadnot,asIhadfeared,quiteforsakenandcastoffmysoul;yea,thiswasakindofchideformypronenesstodesperation;akindofthreateningofme, ifIdidnot,notwithstandingmysins,andtheheinousnessof them,venturemy salvation upon the Son ofGod. But as tomy determiningaboutthisstrangedispensation,whatitwas,Iknownot;orfromwhenceit came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty years’ time been able tomake a judgment of it; I thought then what here I should be loth tospeak.Butverilythatsuddenrushingwindwas,asifanangelhadcomeupon me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the day ofjudgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; itpersuadedmetheremightbehope:itshowedme,asIthought,whatthesinunpardonablewas,andthatmysoulhadyettheblessedprivilegetofleetoJesusChristformercy.ButIsay,concerningthisdispensation;Iknownotyetwhattosayuntoit;whichwasalso,intruth,thecause,thatat first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to bethought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of mysalvationthereupon,butupontheLordJesus,inthepromise;yetseeingIam here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not bealtogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot nowrelatethematterasthereIdidexperienceit.Thislastedinthesavourofit for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and todespairagain.

175.Whereforestillmylifehungindoubtbeforeme,notknowingwhichwayIshouldtip;onlythisIfoundmysouldesire,eventocastitselfatthefootofgrace,byprayerandsupplication.Butoh!’twashardformenow,tohavethefacetopraytothisChristformercy,againstWhomIhadthusmostvilelysinned:’twashardwork,Isay,tooffertolookHimintheface,against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it asdifficult tocometoGodbyprayer,afterbackslidingfromHim,astodoanyotherthing.Oh!theshamethatdidnowattendme!especiallywhenI thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had solightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, evenconfounded,because this villanyhadbeen committedbyme:but I saw

that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humblemyselfuntoHim,andbegthatHe,ofHiswonderfulmercy,wouldshowpitytome,andhavemercyuponmywretchedsinfulsoul.

176. Which,when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested tome,ThatIoughtnottopraytoGod,forprayerwasnotforanyinmycase;neither could it dome good,because I had rejected the Mediator, byWhomallprayerscamewithacceptancetoGodtheFather;andwithoutWhom,noprayercouldcomeintoHispresence:whereforenowtopray,isbuttoaddsintosin;yea,nowtopray,seeingGodhascastyouoff,isthenextwaytoangerandoffendHimmorethanyoueverdidbefore.

177.ForGod(saithhe)hathbeenwearyofyoufortheseseveralyearsalready,becauseyouarenoneofHis;yourbawlings inHisears,hathbeennopleasantvoicetoHim;andthereforeHeletyousinthissin,thatyoumightbequitecutoff;andwillyoupraystill?Thisthedevilurged,andsetforththatinNumbers,whenMosessaidtothechildrenofIsrael,Thatbecausetheywouldnotgouptopossesstheland,whenGodwouldhave them, therefore for ever afterHe did bar them out from thence,thoughtheyprayedtheymightwithtears.Numbersxiv.36,37,etc.

178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14,Theman that sinspresumptuouslyshallbetakenfromGod’saltar,thathemaydie;evenasJoabwasbyKingSolomon,whenhethoughttofindshelterthere. 1Kings ii. 27,28, etc. Theseplacesdidpinchme very sore; yetmy casebeingdesperate,Ithoughtwithmyself,Icanbutdie;andifitmustbeso,it shall once be said, That such an one died at the foot of Christ inprayer. This I did, butwith great difficulty, God doth know; and thatbecause, togetherwith this, still that sayingaboutEsauwouldbe set atmyheart,evenlikeaflamingsword,tokeepthewayofthetreeoflife,lestIshouldtakethereofandlive.Oh!whoknowshowhardathingIfoundit,tocometoGodinprayer!

179.IdidalsodesiretheprayersofthepeopleofGodforme,butIfearedthatGodwouldgivethemnohearttodoit;yeaItrembledinmysoultothink, that someorotherof themwould shortly tellme, thatGodhathsaidthosewordstothem,thatHeoncedidsaytotheprophetconcerningthechildrenofIsrael,Praynotforthispeople,forIhaverejectedthem.

Jeremiah xi. 14. So,Pray not for him, for I have rejected him, yea, Ithought thatHehadwhispered this to someof themalready,only theydurstnottellmeso;neitherdurstIaskthemofit,forfearifitshouldbeso, itwouldmakemequitebesidemyself:Manknowsthebeginningofsin(saidSpira),butwhoboundstheissuesthereof?

180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to anancientChristian, and toldhimallmy case: I toldhim also, that IwasafraidthatIhadsinnedthesinagainsttheHolyGhost;andhetoldme,Hethoughtsotoo. HerethereforeIhadbutcoldcomfort;buttalkingalittlemorewithhim,Ifoundhim,thoughagoodman,astrangertomuchcombatwiththedevil.WhereforeIwenttoGodagain,aswellasIcould,formercystill.

181. Nowalsodid the tempterbegin tomockme inmymisery,saying,ThatseeingIhadthuspartedwiththeLordJesus,andprovokedHimtodispleasure,Whowouldhave stoodbetweenmy soul and the flameofdevouringfire,therewasnowbutoneway;andthatwas, topraythatGod the Fatherwould be aMediator betwixtHis Son andme; thatwemightbereconciledagain,andthatImighthavethatblessedbenefitinHim,thatHisblessedsaintsenjoyed.

182.Thendidthatscriptureseizeuponmysoul,Heisofonemind,andwhocanturnHim!Oh!Isaw,itwasaseasytopersuadeHimtomakeanewworld,anewcovenant,oranewBible,besidesthatwehavealready,astoprayforsuchathing.ThiswastopersuadeHim,thatwhatHehaddonealreadywasmerefolly,andpersuadeHimtoalter,yea,todisannulthewholeway of salvation. And thenwould that saying rendmy soulasunder;Neitheristheresalvationinanyother;forthereisnoneothernameunderheavengivenamongmenwherebywemustbesaved.Actsiv.12.

183.Nowthemostfree,andfullandgraciouswordsofthegospel,werethegreatesttormenttome;yea,nothingsoafflictedme,asthethoughtsofJesusChrist, the remembranceofaSaviour;because IhadcastHimoff, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind;nothingdidtwingemyconscience likethis:everytimethatI thoughtofthe Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness,

meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts,andconsolations,itwenttomysoullikeasword;forstilluntothesemyconsiderations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughtswouldmake place forthemselvesinmyheart:Aye,thisistheJesus,thelovingSaviour,theSonofGod,Whomyouhavepartedwith,Whomyouhaveslighted,despised,andabused. ThisistheonlySaviour,theonlyRedeemer,theonlyOnethatcouldso lovesinners,astowashthemfromtheirsins inHisownmostpreciousblood;butyouhavenopartnorlotinthisJesus:youhaveputHimfromyou;youhavesaidinyourheart,LetHimgo,ifHewill.Now,therefore,youare severed fromHim;you have severed yourselffromHim:beholdthenHisgoodness,butyourself tobenopartakerofit. Oh! thoughtI,whathaveI lost,whathaveIpartedwith! Whathasdisinheritedmypoorsoul!Oh!’tissadtobedestroyedbythegraceandmercy ofGod; tohave theLamb, theSaviour, turn lion anddestroyer.Rev.vi.Ialsotrembled,asIhavesaid,atthesightofthesaintsofGod,especiallyatthosethatgreatlylovedHim,andthatmadeittheirbusinessto walk continually withHim in this world; for they did, both in theirwords,theircarriages,andalltheirexpressionsoftendernessandfeartosinagainsttheirpreciousSaviour,condemn,layguiltupon,andalsoaddcontinual affliction and shame uponmy soul. The dread of themwasuponme,andItrembledatGod’sSamuels.1Sam.xvi.4.

184. Nowalso the tempterbeganafresh tomockmysoulanotherway,saying,ThatChristindeeddidpitymycase,andwassorryformyloss;butforasmuchasIhadsinnedandtransgressedasIhaddone,Hecouldbynomeanshelpme,norsavemefromwhatIfeared:formysinwasnotof thenatureof theirs, forWhomHebledanddied;neitherwas itcountedwiththosethatwerelaidtoHischarge,whenHehangedonatree:therefore,unlessHeshouldcomedownfromheaven,anddieanewforthissin,though indeedHedidgreatlypityme,yet I couldhavenobenefit of Him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even asridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were mosttormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, thatJesusChristshouldhavesomuchloveastopityme,whenyetHecouldnothelpme;nordidIthinkthatthereasonwhyHecouldnothelpme,was,becauseHismeritswereweak,orHisgraceandsalvationspentonothersalready,butbecauseHisfaithfulnesstoHisthreatening,wouldnot

letHimextendHismercy tome. Besides, I thought, as Ihave alreadyhinted, thatmysinwasnotwithin theboundsof thatpardon, thatwaswrappedupinapromise;and ifnot, thenIknewassuredly, that itwasmoreeasyforheavenandearthtopassaway,thanformetohaveeternallife. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from asteadfast belief I had of the stability of the holyword ofGod, and alsofrommybeingmisinformedofthenatureofmysin.

185.Butoh!howthiswouldaddtomyaffliction,toconceitthatIshouldbeguiltyofsuchasin,forwhichHedidnotdie.Thesethoughtswouldsoconfoundme,andimprisonme,andtiemeupfromfaith,thatIknewnotwhattodo.Butoh!thoughtI,thatHewouldcomedownagain!Oh!thattheworkofman’sredemptionwasyettobedonebyChrist!howwouldIprayHimandentreatHimtocountandreckonthissinamong the restfor whichHe died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead;Christbeingraised fromthedead,diethnomore;deathhathnomoredominionoverHim.Rom.vi.9.

186. Thus,bythestrangeandunusualassaultsof thetempter,mysoulwaslikeabrokenvessel,drivenaswiththewinds,andtossedsometimesheadlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, andsometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof,mightsofarforth,asIthoughtmyselfconcerned,beturnedanotherway,andchanged,Butinallthese,Iwasasthosethatjostleagainsttherocks;morebroken,scatteredandrent. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations,frights, fears,andterrors, thatareaffectedbya thoroughapplicationofguilt yielding to desperation! This is the man that hath his dwellingamongthetombswiththedead;thatisalwayscryingout,andcuttinghimselfwithstones. Markv.1,2,3. But,Isay,all invain;desperationwillnotcomforthim,theoldcovenantwillnotsavehim:nay,heavenandearthshallpassaway,beforeonejotortittleofthewordandlawofgracewillfailorberemoved.ThisIsaw,thisIfelt,andunderthisIgroaned;yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of thecertaintyofthewayofsalvation;andthatthescriptureswerethewordofGod.Oh!IcannotnowexpresswhatthenIsawandfeltofthesteadinessofJesusChrist,therockofman’ssalvation:Whatwasdone,couldnotbeundone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sinmight drive the

soulbeyondChrist,eventhesinwhichisunpardonable;butwoetohimthatwassodriven,forthewordwouldshuthimout.

187.ThusIwasalwayssinking,whateverIdidthinkordo.SoonedayIwalkedtoaneighbouringtown,andsatedownuponasettleinthestreet,and fell intoaverydeeppauseabout themost fearful statemy sinhadbrought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head, butmethoughtIsaw,asifthesunthatshinethintheheavensdidgrudgetogive light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon thehouses, did bend themselves against me. Methought that they allcombined together to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred ofthem, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits,becauseIhadsinnedagainst theSaviour. OhowhappynowwaseverycreatureoverIwas!Fortheystoodfast,andkepttheirstation,butIwasgoneandlost.

188.Thenbreakingoutinthebitternessofmysoul,Isaidtomyselfwithagrievoussigh,HowcanGodcomfortsuchawretch! Ihadnosoonersaidit,butthisreturneduponme,asanechodothansweravoice:Thissinisnotuntodeath. AtwhichIwas,asifIhadbeenraisedoutofthegrave,andcriedoutagain,Lord,howcouldstThoufindoutsuchawordas this! For I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and at theunexpectednessofthesentence;thefitnessoftheword,therightnessofthetimingofit;thepower,andsweetness,andlight,andglorythatcamewithitalso,weremarvelloustometofind:Iwasnow,forthetime,outofdoubt, as to that aboutwhich Iwas somuch indoubtbefore;my fearsbeforewere,thatmysinwasnotpardonable,andsothatIhadnorighttopray,torepent,etc.,orthat,ifIdid,itwouldbeofnoadvantageorprofitto me. But now, thought I, if this sin is not unto death, then it ispardonable;thereforefromthisIhaveencouragementtocometoGodbyChrist formercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness, as that whichstandswithopenarmstoreceivemeaswellasothers.Thisthereforewasagreateasementtomymind,towit,thatmysinwaspardonable,thatitwasnotthesinuntodeath(1Johnv.16,17).Nonebutthosethatknowwhatmytrouble(bytheirownexperience)was,cantellwhatreliefcametomysoulbythisconsideration:itwasareleasetomefrommyformerbonds,andashelterfromtheformerstorm:Iseemednowtostandupon

thesamegroundwithothersinners,andtohaveasgoodrighttothewordandprayerasanyofthey.

189. NowI say, Iwas inhopes thatmysinwasnotunpardonable, butthat there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But oh! howSatandidnowlayabouthimfortobringmedownagain!Buthecouldbynomeansdo it,neither thisday,nor themostpartof thenext, for thisgoodsentencestoodlikeamill-postatmyback:yettowardstheeveningof thenext day, I felt thiswordbegin to leaveme, and towithdraw itssupportationfromme,andsoIreturnedtomyoldfearsagain,butwithagreatdealofgrudgingandpeevishness,forIfearedthesorrowofdespair;norcouldmyfaithnowlongretainthisword.

190.Butthenextdayatevening,beingundermanyfears,Iwenttoseekthe Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, andmy soul cried to Him in thesewords,withstrongcries:OLord,IbeseechThee,showmethatThouhastlovedmewitheverlastinglove.Jer.xxxi.3.Ihadnosoonersaidit,butwithsweetness thisreturneduponme,asanecho,orsoundingagain,Ihave loved theewithan everlasting love. Now Iwent tobed inquiet;alsowhenIawakenedthenextmorning,itwasfreshuponmysoul;andIbelievedit.

191. But yet the tempter leftmenot; for it couldnot be so little as anhundredtimes,thathethatdaydidlabourtothenbreakmypeace.Oh!thecombatsandconflictsthatIdidthenmeetwith;asIstrovetoholdbythisword, thatofEsauwould fly inmy face like lightning: I should besometimesupanddown twenty times inanhour; yetGoddidbearmeup,andkeepmyheartuponthisword;fromwhichIhadalso,forseveraldays together, verymuch sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon:for thus it was made out unto me, I loved thee whilst thou wastcommittingthissin,I lovedtheebefore,I lovetheestill,andIwill lovetheeforever.

192.YetIsawmysinmostbarbarous,andafilthycrime,andcouldnotbut conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I hadhorriblyabusedtheholySonofGod:whereforeI feltmysoulgreatlytoloveandpityHim,andmybowels toyearn towardsHim; for I sawHewas stillmy friend, anddid rewardme good for evil; yea, the love and

affectionthatthendidburnwithintomyLordandSaviourJesusChrist,didworkatthistimesuchastrongandhotdesireofrevengementuponmyself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I thenthought,hadIhadathousandgallonsofbloodwithinmyveins,Icouldfreelythenhavespiltitall,atthecommandandfeetofthismyLordandSaviour.

193.AndasIwasthusinmusing,andinmystudies,consideringhowtolovetheLord,andtoexpressmylovetoHim,thatsayingcameinuponme,IfThou,Lord,shouldstmarkiniquities,OLord,whoshouldstand?ButthereisforgivenesswithThee,thatThoumayestbefeared. Psalmcxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter partthereof;towit,thatthereisforgivenesswiththeLord,thatHemightbefeared;thatis,asthenIunderstoodit,thatHemightbeloved,andhadinreverence;foritwasthusmadeouttome,ThatthegreatGoddidsetsohighanesteemupontheloveofHispoorcreatures,thatratherthanHewouldgowithouttheirlove,Hewouldpardontheirtransgressions.

194.Andnowwasthatwordfulfilledonme,andIwasalsorefreshedbyit;Thatthoumayestrememberandbeconfounded,andneveropenthymouthanymore,becauseofthyshame,whenIampacifiedtowardtheeforallthatthouhastdone,saiththeLordGod.Ezek.xvi.63.Thuswasmysoulatthistime(andasIthendidthinkforever)setatlibertyfrombeingafflictedwithmyformerguiltandamazement.

195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again,fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might bedeceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strongintomymind,ThatwhatevercomfortandpeaceIthoughtImighthavefromthewordofthepromiseof life,yetunlesstherecouldbefoundinmyrefreshment,aconcurrenceandagreementinthescriptures, letmethinkwhatIwillthereof,andholditneversofast,Ishouldfindnosuchthingattheend;Andthescripturecannotbebroken.Johnx.35.

196. Nowbeganmyheart again to ache, and fear Imightmeetwith adisappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness toexamine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that hadsinnedasIhaddone,mightwithconfidencetrustuponthefaithfulnessof

God, laiddownin thosewords,bywhich Ihadbeencomforted,andonwhich I had leanedmyself: but nowwere brought those sayings tomymind. For it is impossible for those whowere once enlightened, andhavetastedof theheavenlygift,andweremadepartakersof theHolyGhost,and have tasted the goodword of God,and the powers of theworld to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again untorepentance.Heb.vi.4–6.For,ifwesinwilfully,afterwehavereceivedtheknowledgeofthetruth,thereremainsnomoresacrificeforsin,butacertain fearful looking for of judgment, and fiery indignation,whichshall devour the adversaries. Heb. x. 26, 27. As Esau,who for onemorselofmeat,soldhisbirthright. Forye knowhow that afterward,whenhewouldhaveinheritedtheblessing,hewasrejected;forhefoundnoplaceof repentance,thoughhesought it carefullywith tears. Heb.xii.16,17.

197. Nowwas theword of the gospel forced frommy soul; so that nopromiseorencouragementwastobefoundintheBibleforme:andnowwouldthatsayingworkuponmyspirittoafflictme,Rejoicenot,OIsrael,forjoy,asotherpeople.Hos.ix.1.ForIsawindeed,therewascauseofrejoicingforthosethatheldtoJesus;butforme,Ihadcutmyselfoffbymy transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold,amongallthestaysandpropsinthepreciouswordoflife.

198. And truly, Ididnow feelmyself to sink intoagulph, as anhousewhosefoundationisdestroyed;Ididlikenmyselfinthiscondition,untothecaseofsomechildthatwasfallenintoamill-pit,whothoughitcouldmakesomeshifttoscrambleandsprawlinthewater,yetbecauseitcouldfindneitherhold forhandnor foot, thereforeat last itmustdie in thatcondition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened onmy soul, thatscripture came into my heart, This for many days. Dan. x. 14. Andindeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought topeace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completelyfinished. Wherefore thesewords, though in themselves, they tended todiscouragement, yet tome,who feared this conditionwouldbeeternal,theywereatsometimesasanhelpandrefreshmenttome.

199.For,thoughtI,manydaysarenotforever,manydayswillhaveanend;thereforeseeingIwastobeafflictednotafewbutmanydays,yetI

was glad itwasbut formany days. Thus, I say, Iwould recallmyselfsometimes,andgivemyselfanhelp,forassoonaseverthewordscameintomymind,atfirst,Iknewmytroublewouldbelong,yetthiswouldbebutsometimes;forIcouldnotalwaysthinkonthis,noreverbehelpedbyit,thoughIdid.

200. Nowwhile the scriptures laybeforeme, and laid sin anew atmydoor, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me toprayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, ThatneitherthemercyofGod,noryetthebloodofChrist,didatallconcernme,norcould theyhelpme formysin;therefore itwasbut in vain topray. Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin isunpardonable.Well,saidI,Iwillpray.’Tistonoboot,saidhe.YetsaidI,Iwillpray. So Iwent toprayer toGod;andwhile Iwasatprayer,Iutteredwordstothiseffect:Lord,Satantellsme,thatneitherThymercy,norChrist’s blood, is sufficient to save my soul: Lord, shall I honourTheemost,bybelievingThouwilt,andcanst?orhim,bybelievingThouneitherwiltnotnorcanst?Lord,IwouldfainhonourThee,bybelievingThouwiltandcanst.

201. Andas Iwas thusbefore theLord, that scripture fastened onmyheart(Oman,greatisthyfaith),Matt.xv.28,evenasifonehadclappedmeontheback,asIwasonmykneesbeforeGod:yetIwasnotabletobelievethis,thatthiswasaprayeroffaith,tillalmostsixmonthsafter;forIcouldnotthinkthatIhadfaith,orthatthereshouldbeawordformetoact faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws ofdesperation,andwentmourningupanddowninasadcondition.

202.TherewasnothingnowthatIlongedformorethantobeputoutofdoubt,as to this thing inquestion,andas Iwasvehementlydesiringtoknow,iftherewasindeedhopeforme,thesewordscamerollingintomymind,Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will He be favourable nomore? Is His mercy clean gone for ever? Doth His promise fail forevermore?HathGodforgottentobegracious?HathHeinangershutupHistendermercies?Ps.lxxvii.7–9.Andallthewhiletheyruninmymind,methought Ihadstill thisas theanswer, ’TisaquestionwhetherHehathorno:itmaybeHehathnot. Yea,theinterrogatoryseemedtometocarryinitasureaffirmationthatindeedHehadnot,norwouldso

castoff,butwouldbefavourable:thatHispromisedothnotfail,andthatHehadnot forgottentobegracious,norwould inangershutup tendermercy.Somethingalsotherewasuponmyheartatthesametime,whichI cannotnowcall tomind,which,with this text,did sweetenmyheart,andmakemeconclude,thatHismercymightnotbequitegone,norcleangoneforever.

203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under thisquestion,WhetherthebloodofChristwassufficienttosavemysoul?inwhichdoubtIcontinuedfrommorning,tillaboutsevenoreightatnight:andatlast,whenIwas,asitwere,quitewornoutwithfear,lestitshouldnotlayholdonme,thesewordsdidsoundsuddenlywithinmyheart:Heis able. But methought, this word able, was spoke loud unto me; itshowedagreatword,itseemedtobewritingreatletters,andgavesucha jostle tomy fear and doubt (Imean for the time it tarried withme,whichwasaboutaday)asIneverhadfromthat,allmylife,eitherbeforeorafter.Heb.vii.25.

204.ButonemorningasIwasagainatprayer,andtremblingunderthefearofthis,ThatnowordofGodcouldhelpme,thatpieceofasentencedartedinuponme,Mygraceissufficient.Atthis,methoughtIfeltsomestay,asiftheremightbehopes.But,oh!howgoodathingitisforGodtosendHisword! for,abouta fortnightbefore, Iwas lookingon this veryplace,and thenI thought it couldnotcomenearmysoulwithcomfort,thereforeIthrewdownmybookinapet:thenIthoughtitwasnotlargeenoughforme;no,notlargeenough;butnowitwasasifithadarmsofgracesowide,thatitcouldnotonlyencloseme,butmanymoresuchasIbesides.

205.BythesewordsIwassustained,yetnotwithoutexceedingconflicts,for the spaceof sevenor eightweeks; formypeacewouldbe in it, andout,sometimestwentytimesaday;comfortnow,andtroublepresently;peacenow,andbeforeIcouldgoafurlong,asfulloffearandguiltaseverheart could hold. And this was not only now and then, butmywholesevenweeks’experience:forthisaboutthesufficiencyofgrace,andthatofEsau’spartingwithhisbirthright,wouldbelikeapairofscaleswithinmymind;sometimesoneendwouldbeuppermost,andsometimesagaintheother;accordingtowhichwouldbemypeaceortrouble.

206. ThereforeIdidstillpraytoGod,thatHewouldcomeinwiththisscripturemorefullyonmyheart;towit,thatHewouldhelpmetoapplythewholesentence,forasyetIcouldnot:thatHegave,thatIgathered;butfartherIcouldnotgo,forasyetitonlyhelpedmetohopetheremightbemercyforme;Mygraceissufficient:Andthoughitcamenofarther,itansweredmy formerquestion, towit,That therewashope;yetbecausefortheewasleftout,Iwasnotcontented,butprayedtoGodforthatalso.Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full ofsadnessandterror;formyfearsagainwerestronguponme;and,asIwasnowthinking,my soulwasnever thebetter, butmy casemost sad andfearful,thesewordsdidwithgreatpowersuddenlybreakinuponme;Mygrace is sufficient for thee,Mygrace is sufficient forthee,Mygrace issufficient for thee, three times together: And oh!methought that everywordwasamightyworduntome;asMy,andgrace,andsufficient,andforthee; theywerethen,andsometimesarestill, farbigger thanothersbe.

207.Atwhichtimemyunderstandingwassoenlightened,thatIwasasthough Ihad seen theLordJesus lookdown fromheaven, through thetilesuponme,anddirectthesewordsuntome. Thissentmemourninghome;itbrokemyheart,andfilledmefullofjoy,andlaidmelowasthedust;onlyitstayednotlongwithme,Imeaninthisgloryandrefreshingcomfort; yet it continuedwithme for severalweeks, anddidencouragemetohope:butassoonasthatpowerfuloperationofitwastakenfrommyheart,thatother,aboutEsau,returneduponmeasbefore:somysouldidhangasinapairofscalesagain,sometimesup,andsometimesdown;nowinpeace,andanonagaininterror.

208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, andsometimestormented;andespeciallyatsometimesmytormentwouldbeverysore,forallthosescripturesforenamedintheHebrews,wouldbesetbeforeme,astheonlysentencesthatwouldkeepmeoutofheaven.ThenagainIwouldbegintorepentthateverthatthoughtwentthroughme;Iwouldalsothinkthuswithmyself:Why,howmanyscripturesarethereagainstme? Therearebut threeor four;And cannotGodmiss them,andsavemeforallthem?SometimesagainIwouldthink,Oh!ifitwerenotforthesethreeorfourwords,nowhowmightIbecomforted!AndI

couldhardlyforbearatsometimes,towishthemoutofthebook.

209.ThenmethoughtIshouldseeasifbothPeterandPaul,andJohn,andallthewriters,didlookwithscornuponme,andholdmeinderision;andasiftheyhadsaiduntome,Allourwordsaretruth,oneofasmuchforce as another: it is notwe that have cut you of,but you have castawayyourself. Thereisnoneofoursentencesthatyoumusttakeholdupon, but these and such as these; it is impossible, Heb. vi.; thereremains nomore sacrifice for sin,Heb. x. And it had been better forthemnottohaveknownthewillofGod,thanaftertheyhadknownit,toturn from theholy commandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21.FortheScripturescannotbebroken.Johnx.35.

210. These,as theeldersof thecityof refuge, I saw,were tobe judgesbothofmycaseandme,whileIstoodwiththeavengerofbloodatmyheels,tremblingattheirgatefordeliverance;alsowithathousandfearsandmistrusts,Idoubtedthattheywouldshutmeoutforever.Joshuaxx.3.4.

211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to besatisfied in this question,Whether the scriptures could agree in thesalvationofmysoul?Iquakedattheapostles;Iknewtheirwordsweretrue,andthattheymuststandforever.

212. And I rememberoneday, as Iwas indivers framesof spirit, andconsidering that these frames were according to the nature of severalscripturesthatcameinuponmymind;ifthisofgrace,thenwasIquiet;but of that of Esau, then tormented. Lord, thought I, if both thesescriptures should meet in my heart at once, I wonder which of themwouldgetthebetterofme.SomethoughtIhadalongingmindthattheymightcomebothtogetheruponme;yea,IdesiredofGodtheymight.

213.Well,abouttwoorthreedaysafter,sotheydidindeed;theyboltedbothuponmeatatime,anddidworkandstrugglestrangelyinmeforawhile; at last that about Esau’s birthright began to wax weak, andwithdraw,andvanish;and this, about the sufficiencyofgraceprevailedwith peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing, thatscripturecameinuponme,Mercyrejoicethagainstjudgment.Jamesii.

13.

214.Thiswasawondermenttome;yettruly,IamapttothinkitwasofGod;forthewordofthelawandwrath,mustgiveplacetothewordoflifeandgrace;because,thoughthewordofcondemnationbeglorious,yetthewordoflifeandsalvationdothfarexceedinglory.2Cor.iii.8–11.Markix.5–7. John vi.37. Also thatMosesandEliasmustbothvanish, andleaveChristandHissaintsalone.

215.Thisscripturealsodidnowmostsweetlyvisitmysoul;AndhimthatcomethtoMe,Iwillinnowisecastout.Oh!thecomfortthatIhadfromthis word, in nowise! As who should say,By nomeans, for nothingwhatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly labour to pull thispromisefromme,tellingofme,ThatChristdidnotmeanmeandsuchasI,butsinnersofa lowerrank,thathadnotdoneas Ihaddone. But Iwouldanswerhimagain,Satan,hereisinthesewordsnosuchexception;buthimthatcomes,him,anyhim:him that cometh toMe Iwill innowisecastout. AndthisIwellrememberstill, thatofall theslightsthatSatanused to take this scripture fromme,yetheneverdid somuchasput this question, But do you come aright? And I have thought thereasonwas,becausehethoughtIknewfullwellwhatcomingarightwas;for I sawthat to comearight,was to comeas Iwas,avileandungodlysinner, and to castmyself at the feet ofmercy, condemningmyself forsin.IfeverSatanandIdidstriveforanywordofGodinallmylife,itwasforthisgoodwordofChrist;heatoneend,andIattheother:Oh!whatworkdidwemake!ItwasforthisinJohn,Isay,thatwedidsotugandstrive,hepulled,andIpulled;butGodbepraised,Igotthebetterofhim;Igotsomesweetnessfromit.

216.Butnotwithstandingallthesehelps,andblessedwordsofgrace,yetthat ofEsau’s selling of his birthright, would still at times distressmyconscience:forthoughIhadbeenmostsweetlycomforted,andthatbutjust before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me fearagain: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with me:whereforenowIwentanotherwaytowork,eventoconsiderthenatureofthis blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at thelargest,andgivethemtheirownnaturalforceandscope,eveneverywordtherein:sowhenIhad thusconsidered,I found, that if theywere fairly

taken,theywouldamount to this;That Ihad freely left theLordJesusChrist toHis choice,whether Hewould bemy Saviour or no; for thewickedwordswere these,LetHimgo, ifHewill. Then that scripturegavemehope,Iwillneverleavethee,norforsakethee. Heb.xiii.5. ‘OLord,’saidI,butIhaveleftThee.Thenitansweredagain,ButIwillnotleavethee.ForthisIthankedGodalso.

217.YetIwasgrievousafraidHeshould,andfounditexceedinghardtotrustHim, seeing I had so offendedHim: I could have been exceedinggladthatthisthoughthadneverbefallen;forthenIthoughtIcouldwithmoreeaseandfreedominabundance,haveleanedonHisgrace.Isawitwas with me, as it was with Joseph’s brethren; the guilt of their ownwickednessdidoftenfillthemwithfearsthattheirbrotherwouldatlastdespisethem.Gen.l.15,16,etc.

218.YetaboveallthescripturesthatIyetdidmeetwiththatinJoshuaxx.wasthegreatestcomforttome,whichspeaksoftheslayerthatwastofleeforrefuge:Andiftheavengerofbloodpursuetheslayer,thensaithMoses,theythataretheeldersofthecityofrefugeshallnotdeliverhimintohishands,becausehe smotehis neighbour unwittingly and hatedhimnotaforetime. Oh!blessedbeGod for thisword: Iwas convincedthatIwastheslayer;andthattheavengerofbloodpursuedme,Ifeltwithgreatterror;onlynowitremainedthatIinquirewhetherIhaverighttoenterthecityofrefuge:soIfound,thathemustnot,wholayinwaittoshedblood:Itwasnotthewilfulmurderer,buthewhounwittinglydidit,hewho did it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, ormalice, he thatshed it unwittingly: even he who did not hate his neighbour before.Wherefore,

219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I hadsmitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated Him not aforetime. IhatedHimnotaforetime;no,IprayeduntoHim,wastenderofsinningagainstHim;yea,andagainst thiswicked temptationIhadstrove foratwelvemonthbefore;yea,andalsowhenitdidpassthroughmyheart,itdid in spiteofmy teeth:wherefore I thought Ihada right toenter thiscity, and theelders,whichare theapostles,werenot todelivermeup.This therefore was great comfort tome, and gavememuch ground ofhope.

220.Yetbeingverycritical,formysmarthadmademethatIknewnotwhat groundwas sure enough to bearme, I had one question thatmysouldidmuchdesire tobe resolvedabout;and thatwas,Whether itbepossible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin,yet afterthat to receive, though but the least, true spiritual comfort from Godthough Christ? The which after I had much considered, I found theanswerwas,No,theycouldnot;andthatforthesereasons:—

221.First,Becausethosethathavesinnedthatsin, theyaredebarredashareinthebloodofChrist;andbeingshutoutofthat,theymustneedsbevoidof the least groundofhope, and soof spiritual comfort;For tosuchthereremainsnomoresacrificeforsin. Heb.x.26,27.Secondly,Becausetheyaredeniedashare inthepromiseof life:Itshallneverbeforgivenhimneitherinthisworld,neitherintheworldtocome. Matt.xii.32.Thirdly,TheSonofGodexcludesthemalsofromashareinHisblessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both beforeHisholyFather,andtheblessedangelsinheaven.Markviii.

222.WhenIhadwithmuchdeliberationconsideredofthismatter,andcould not but conclude that the Lord had comfortedme, and that tooafter thismywicked sin: thenmethought I durst venture to comenighuntothosemostfearfulandterriblescriptures,withwhichallthiswhileIhadbeensogreatlyaffrighted,andonwhichindeed,beforeIdurstscarcecastmineeye(yea,hadmuchadoanhundredtimes,toforbearwishingthemoutof theBible), forI thought theywoulddestroyme;butnow,Isay, I began to take somemeasure of encouragement, to come close tothem to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope andtendency.

223. Thewhichwhen I began to do, I found their visage changed: fortheylookednotsogrimly,asbeforeIthoughttheydid:andfirstIcametothesixthoftheHebrews,yettremblingforfearitshouldstrikeme;whichwhen I had considered, I found that the falling there intended, was afalling quite away; that is as I conceived, a falling from and absolutedenyingofthegospel,ofremissionofsinsbyJesusChrist;for,fromthemtheapostlebeginshisargument,verses1,2,3,4.Secondly,Ifoundthatthisfallingaway,mustbeopenly,evenintheviewoftheworld,evensoas

toputChristtoanopenshame.Thirdly,Ifoundthosehethereintended,were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, andimpenitency: It is impossible they should be renewed again untorepentance.Byalltheseparticulars,IfoundtoGod’severlastingpraise,mysinwasnotthesininthisplaceintended.

First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from theprofessionoffaithinJesusuntoeternallife.

Secondly,IconfessedthatIhadputJesusChristtoshamebymysin,butnottoopenshame;IdidnotdenyHimbeforemen,norcondemnHimasafruitlessOnebeforetheworld.

Thirdly,NordidIfindthatGodhadshutmeup,ordeniedmetocome(though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow andrepentance:blessedbeGodforunsearchablegrace!

224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of theHebrews, andfoundthatthewilfulsintherementioned,isnoteverywilfulsin,butthatwhichdoththrowoffChrist,andthenHiscommandmentstoo.Secondly,Thatmustbedonealsoopenly,beforetwoorthreewitnesses,toanswerthatofthelaw,verse28.Thirdly,Thissincannotbecommitted,butwithgreatdespitedonetotheSpiritofGrace;despisingboththedissuasionsfromthatsin,andthepersuasionstothecontrary.ButtheLordknows,thoughthismysinwasdevilish,yetitdidnotamounttothese.

225. And as touching that in the 12th of theHebrews, about Esau’ssellingofhisbirthright;thoughthiswasthatwhichkilledme,andstoodlikeaspearagainstme,yetnowIdidconsider,First,thathiswasnotahasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a thoughtconsented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after somedeliberation,Gen.xxv. Secondly, Itwasapublicandopenaction,evenbefore his brother, if not beforemanymore; thismade his sin of a farmore heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. Thirdly, Hecontinued to slight his birthright:Hedid eat and drink,and went hisway: thusEsaudespised his birthright, yea, twenty years after he wasfoundtodespiseitstill.AndEsausaid,Ihaveenough,mybrother,keepthatthouhastuntothyself.Gen.xxxiii.9.

226.Nowastouchingthis,thatEsausoughtaplaceofrepentance;thusIthought:First,Thiswasnotforthebirthright,buttheblessing: this isclear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau himself;He tookawaymybirthright (that is, formerly);andbehold nowhe hath takenaway my blessing. Gen. xxvii. 36. Secondly, Now, this being thusconsidered,Icameagaintotheapostle,toseewhatmightbethemindofGod, inaNew-TestamentstyleandsenseconcerningEsau’s sin;andsofar as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, that the birthrightsignifiedregeneration, and theblessing, theeternal inheritance; for sotheapostle seems to hint. Lest there be any profane person,as Esau,whoforonemorselofmeatsoldhisbirthright;asifheshouldsay,ThatshallcastoffallthoseblessedbeginningsofGod,thatatpresentareuponhim,inordertoanew-birth;lesttheybecomeasEsau,evenberejectedafterwards,whentheywouldinherittheblessing.

227. Formany there are,who, in the day of grace andmercy, despisethosethingswhichareindeedthebirthrighttoheaven,whoyetwhenthedecidingdayappears,willcryaslordasEsau,Lord,Lord,opentous;butthen, as Isaacwould not repent, nomorewillGod the Father, butwillsay,Ihaveblessedthese,yea,andtheyshallbeblessed;butas foryou,Depart,youaretheworkersofiniquity.Gen.xxvii.32;Lukexiii.25–27.

228.WhenIhadthusconsideredthesescriptures,andfoundthatthustounderstandthem,wasnotagainst,butaccordingtootherscriptures;thisstill added further tomy encouragement and comfort, and also gave agreatblowtothatobjection,towit,Thatthescripturescouldnotagreeinthesalvationofmysoul.Andnowremainedonlythehinderpartofthetempest,forthethunderwasgonebeyondme,onlysomedropsdidstillremain, thatnowand thenwould falluponme;butbecausemy formerfrights and anguishwere very sore and deep, therefore it oft befallmestill,asitbefalleththosethathavebeenscaredwithfire.Ithoughteveryvoicewas,Fire!fire!Everylittletouchwouldhurtmytenderconscience.

229. Butoneday,asIwaspassing inthe field,andthattoowithsomedashesonmyconscience,fearinglestyetallwasnotright,suddenlythissentence fell upon my soul, Thy righteousness is in heaven; andmethoughtwithal,Isawwiththeeyesofmysoul,JesusChristatGod’srighthand:there,Isay,wasmyrighteousness;sothatwhereverIwas,or

whatever I was doing, God could not say of me, He wants Myrighteousness;forthatwasjustbeforeHim.Ialsosawmoreover,thatitwasnotmygoodframeofheartthatmademyrighteousnessbetter,noryet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse; for myrighteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, The same yesterday, to-day,andforever.Heb.xiii.8.

230. Nowdidmychains falloffmy legs indeed; Iwas loosed frommyafflictions and irons;my temptations also fled away; so that from thattimethosedreadfulscripturesofGodleftoff to troubleme:nowwentIalsohomerejoicing,forthegraceandloveofGod;sowhenIcamehome,I looked to see if I could find that sentence; Thy righteousness is inheaven,but couldnot find such a saying;whereforemyheart began tosinkagain,onlythatwasbroughttomyremembrance,1Cor.i.30,ChristJesus,who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, andsanctification,and redemption; by this word I saw the other sentencetrue.

231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He isdistinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is ourrighteousnessandsanctificationbeforeGod. Here thereforeI lived, forsome time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh!methought,Christ!Christ! therewasnothingbutChrist thatwasbeforemyeyes:Iwasnotnow(only)forlookinguponthisandtheotherbenefitsofChrist apart, asofHisblood,burial,or resurrection,but consideringHimasawholeChrist!asHeinwhomallthese,andallHisothervirtues,relations, offices and operations met together, and that He sat on therighthandofGodinheaven.

232. ’Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth andprevalency of allHis benefits, and that because now I could look frommyselftoHimandshouldreckon,thatall thosegracesofGodthatnowweregreenonme,wereyetbutlikethosecrackedgroatsandfourpence-halfpenniesthatrichmencarryintheirpurses,whentheirgoldisintheirtrunksathome:Oh!Isawmygoldwasinmytrunkathome!InChristmy Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all; all my wisdom, all myrighteousness,allmysanctification,andallmyredemption.

233. Further, theLorddidalso leadme intothemysteryofunionwiththeSonofGod;thatIwasjoinedtoHim,thatIwasfleshofHisflesh,andboneofHisbone;andnowwasthatwordsweettomeinEph.v.30.BythisalsowasmyfaithinHim,asmyrighteousness,themoreconfirmedinme; for ifHeand Iwere one, thenHis righteousnesswasmine,Hismeritsmine,Hisvictoryalsomine.NowcouldIseemyselfinheavenandearthatonce:inheavenbymyChrist,bymyhead,bymyrighteousnessandlife,thoughonearthbymybodyorperson.

234.NowIsawChristJesuswaslookeduponofGod;andshouldalsobelooked upon by us, as that common or public person, inwhom all thewholebodyofHiselectarealways tobeconsideredandreckoned; thatwefulfilledthelawbyHim,diedbyHim,rosefromthedeadbyHim,gotthevictoryoversin,death,thedevil,andhell,byHim;whenHedied,wedied,andsoofHisresurrection.Thydeadmenshalllive,togetherwithMydeadbodyshalltheyarise,saithHe.Isa.xxvi.19.Andagain,aftertwodaysHewillreviveus,andthethirddayHewillraiseusup,andweshallliveinHissight. Hoseavi.2.WhichisnowfulfilledbythesittingdownoftheSonofManontherighthandoftheMajestyintheheavens;accordingtothattotheEphesians,Andhathraisedusuptogether,andmadeussittogetherinheavenlyplacesinChristJesus.Eph.ii.6.

235. Ah!theseblessedconsiderationsandscriptures,withmanyothersoflikenature,wereinthosedaysmadetospangleinmineeyes;sothatIhave cause to say, Praise ye the Lord. Praise God in His sanctuary,praiseHiminthefirmamentofHispower;praiseHimforHismightyacts:praiseHimaccordingtoHisexcellentgreatness.Psalmcl.1,2.

236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow andaffliction thatmy soulwent under, by the guilt and terror that thismywicked thoughtdid laymeunder;andhavinggivenyoualsoa touchofmy deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that Imetwithafterwards,whichcomfortdweltaboutatwelvemonthwithmyheart, tomyunspeakableadmiration: Iwillnow(Godwilling),before Iproceedanyfarther,giveyouinawordortwo,what,asIconceive,wasthecauseof this temptation;andalsoafter that,whatadvantage,at thelast,itbecameuntomysoul.

237.Forthecauses,Iconceivedtheywereprincipallytwo:ofwhichtwoalso Iwasdeeply convincedall the time this trouble layuponme. Thefirstwas, for that I did not,when I was delivered from the temptationthatwent before, still pray toGod to to keepme from the temptationsthatweretocome;forthough,asIcansayintruth,mysoulwasmuchinprayerbeforethistrialseizedme,yetthenIprayedonly,oratthemostprincipally,fortheremovalofpresenttroubles,andforfreshdiscoveriesofHisloveinChrist,whichIsawafterwardswasnotenoughtodo;IalsoshouldhaveprayedthatthegreatGodwouldkeepmefromtheevilthatwastocome.

238.OfthisIwasmadedeeplysensiblebytheprayerofholyDavid,whowhenhewasunderpresentmercy,yetprayedthatGodwouldholdhimbackfromsinandtemptationtocome;Then,saithhe,shallIbeupright,andIshallbeinnocentfromthegreattransgression.Psalmxix.13.Bythis very word was I galled and condemned quite through this longtemptation.

239. That was also another word that didmuch condemnme for myfolly,intheneglectofthisduty.Heb.iv.16:Letusthereforecomeboldlyuntothethroneofgrace,thatwemayobtainmercy,andfindgracetohelpintimeofneed.ThisIhadnotdone,andthereforewasthussufferedtosinandfall,accordingtowhatiswritten,Praythatyeenternot intotemptation. And truly this very thing is to thisdayof suchweightandawe uponme, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go ofmyknees,untilIintreatHimforhelpandmercyagainstthetemptationsthataretocome;andIdobeseechthee,reader,thatthoulearntobewareofmynegligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did for days, andmonths,andyears,withsorrowundergo.

240.Anothercauseofthistemptationwas,thatIhadtemptedGod;andonthismannerdidIdoit:Uponatimemywifewasgreatwithchild,andbeforeherfulltimewascome,herpangs,asofawomanintravail,werefierceandstronguponher,evenasifshewouldhavefallenimmediatelyinlabour,andbeendeliveredofanuntimelybirth:nowatthisverytimeitwas,thatIhadbeensostronglytemptedtoquestionthebeingofGod;wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecyimaginable, even thinking inmyheart,Lord, if Thouwilt now remove

thissadafflictionfrommywife,andcausethatshebetroublednomoretherewiththisnight(andnowwereherpangsjustuponher),thenIshallknowthatThoucanstdiscernthemostsecretthoughtsoftheheart.

241.Ihadnosoonersaiditinmyheart,butherpangsweretakenfromher,andshewascastintoadeepsleep,andsocontinuedtillmorning;atthisIgreatlymarvelled,notknowingwhattothink;butafterIhadbeenawakeagoodwhile,andheardhercrynomore,Ifellasleepalso;sowhenIawakedinthemorning,itcameuponmeagain,evenwhatIhadsaidinmyheartthelastnight,andhowtheLordhadshowedme,thatHeknewmysecretthoughts,whichwasagreatastonishmentuntomeforseveralweeksafter.

242.Well,aboutayearandahalfafterwards,thatwickedsinfulthought,ofwhichIhavespokenbefore,wentthroughmywickedheart,eventhisthought,LetChristgo,ifHewill:sowhenIwasfallenundertheguiltforthis, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect thereof,would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried rebukealong with it,Now you may see that God doth know the most secretthoughtsoftheheart.

243.Andwiththis,thatofthepassagesthatwerebetwixttheLord,andHis servant Gideon, fell upon my spirit; how because that Gideontempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should havebelievedandventureduponHisword;thereforetheLorddidafterwardssotryhim,astosendhimagainstaninnumerablecompanyofenemies,and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help.Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should havebelievedHisword,andnothaveputanifupontheall-seeingnessofGod.

244.AndnowtoshowyousomethingoftheadvantagesthatIalsohavegained by this temptation: and first, by this I wasmade continually topossessinmysoulaverywonderfulsensebothoftheblessingandgloryofGod,andofHisbelovedSon; inthetemptationthatwentbefore,mysoul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart,questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the word, andcertainty of theworld to come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted andtormentedwithatheism,butnowthecasewasotherwise;nowwasGod

andChristcontinuallybeforemyface,thoughnotinawayofcomfort,butinawayofexceedingdreadandterror.ThegloryoftheholinessofGod,did at this timebreakme topieces; and thebowels and compassionofChristdidbreakmeasonthewheel;forIcouldnotconsiderHimbutasalostandrejectedChrist,theremembranceofwhich,wasasthecontinualbreakingofmybones.

245. Thescripturesalsowerewonderfulthingsuntome;Isawthatthetruthandverityof themwere thekeysof thekingdomofheaven; thosethat the scriptures favour, they must inherit bliss; but those that theyopposeandcondemn,mustperishforevermore:Oh!thisword,Forthescriptures cannot be broken, would rend the caul ofmy heart: and sowouldthatother,Whosesinsyeremit,theyareremitted;butwhosesinsyeretain,theyareretained. NowIsawtheapostlestobetheeldersofthecityofrefuge.Joshuaxx.4.Thosethattheyweretoreceivein,werereceived to life; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by theavengerofblood.

246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture didmore afflict and terrifymymind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes Ithoughttheyeveryonedid)more,Isay,thananarmyoffortythousandmenthatmighthavecomeagainstme.Woebetohimagainstwhomthescripturesbendthemselves!

247. By this temptation Iwasmade to seemore into thenatureof thepromises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under themightyhandofGod,continuallytornandrentbythethunderingofHisjustice: this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with greatfearfulnesstoturnovereveryleaf,andwithmuchdiligence,mixedwithtrembling,toconsidereverysentence,togetherwithitsnaturalforceandlatitude.

248. By this temptation also Iwas greatly holden off frommy formerfoolishpracticeofputtingbythewordofpromisewhensawitcameintomymind; fornow, thoughI couldnot suck thatcomfortandsweetnessfromthepromise,asIhaddoneatothertimes;yet,liketoamansinking,IwouldcatchatallIsaw:formerlyIthoughtImightnotmeddlewiththepromise,unlessI felt itscomfort,butnow ’twasnotimethustodo;the

avengerofbloodtoohardlydidpursueme.

249.NowthereforeIwasgladtocatchatthatwordwhichyetIfearedIhadnogroundorrighttoown;andevento leapintothebosomofthatpromisethatyetIfeareddidshutitsheartagainstme.NowalsoIshouldlabourtotakethewordasGodhathlaiditdown,withoutrestrainingthenaturalforceofonesyllablethereof:O!whatdidInowseeinthatblessedsixth of John:And him that cometh tome, Iwill in nowise cast out.Johnvi.37.NowIbegantoconsiderwithmyself,thatGodhathabiggermouthtospeakwith,thanIhadahearttoconceivewith;Ithoughtalsowithmyself, thatHe spake notHiswords in haste, or in an unadvisedheat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth andfaithfulness.2Sam.iii.28.

250. I should in thesedays,often inmygreatestagonies, even flouncetowards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, that yetstick in themire); concluding (though as one almost bereft of his witsthroughfear)onthisIwill restandstay,and leave the fulfillingof it totheGodofheaventhatmadeit.Oh!manyapullhathmyhearthadwithSatan,forthatblessedsixthofJohn:Ididnotnow,asatothertimes,lookprincipallyforcomfort(though,Ohowwelcomewouldithavebeenuntome!).Butnowaword,awordtoleanawearysoulupon,thatitmightnotsinkforever!’twasthatIhuntedfor.

251.Yea,oftenwhenIhavebeenmakingtothepromise,IhaveseenasiftheLordwouldrefusemysoulforever;IwasoftenasifIhadrunuponthepikes,andasiftheLordhadthrustatme,tokeepmefromHim,aswith a flaming sword. Then I should think of Esther, who went topetition the king contrary to the law. Esther iv. 16. I thought also ofBenhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to theirenemiesformercy.1Kingsxx.31,etc.ThewomanofCanaanalso,thatwouldnotbedaunted,thoughcalleddogbyChrist,Matt.xv.,22,etc.,andthemanthatwenttoborrowbreadatmidnight,Lukexi.5–8,etc.,weregreatencouragementsuntome.

252.Ineversawthoseheightsanddepthsingrace,andlove,andmercy,as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; andwhereguiltismostterribleandfierce,therethemercyofGodinChrist,

whenshowedtothesoul,appearsmosthighandmighty.WhenJobhadpassedthroughhiscaptivity,hehadtwiceasmuchashehadbefore.Jobxlii.10. BlessedbeGodforJesusChristourLord. ManyotherthingsImightheremakeobservationof,butIwouldbebrief,andthereforeshallatthistimeomitthem;anddoprayGodthatmyharmsmaymakeothersfeartooffend,lesttheyalsobemadetobeartheironyokeasIdid.

Ihadtwoorthreetimes,atoraboutmydeliverancefromthistemptation,suchstrangeapprehensionsofthegraceofGod,thatIcouldhardlybearupunder it: itwas sooutofmeasureamazing,when I thought it couldreachme, that Ido think if that senseof ithadabode longuponme, itwouldhavemademeincapableforbusiness.

253.NowIshallgoforwardtogiveyouarelationofotheroftheLord’sdealingswithmeatsundryotherseasons,andofthetemptationsIthendidmeetwithal.IshallbeginwithwhatImetwithwhenfirstIdidjoininfellowshipwiththepeopleofGodinBedford.AfterIhadpropoundedtothe church, thatmy desirewas towalk in the order and ordinances ofChristwiththem,andwasalsoadmittedbythem:whileIthoughtofthatblessedordinanceofChrist,whichwasHislastsupperwithHisdisciplesbeforeHis death, that scripture,Do this in remembrance ofMe, Lukexxii.19,wasmadeaverypreciousworduntome; forby it theLorddidcomedownuponmyconsciencewith thediscoveryofHisdeath formysins;andasIthenfelt,didasifHeplungedmeinthevirtueofthesame.But behold, I hadnot been long a partaker at that ordinance, but suchfierce and sad temptations did attendme at all times therein, both toblaspheme the ordinance, and towish some deadly thing to those thatthendideatthereof:thatlestIshouldatanytimebeguiltyofconsentingtothesewickedandfearfulthoughts,Iwasforcedtobendmyselfallthewhile,topraytoGodtokeepmefromsuchblasphemies:andalsotocryto God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went frommouth tomouth.Thereasonofthistemptation,Ihavethoughtsince,was,becauseIdidnotwiththatreverencethatbecamemeatfirst,approachtopartakethereof.

254.ThusIcontinuedforthreequartersofayear,andcouldneverhaverest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in uponmy soulwith thatsame scripture, by whichmy soul was visited before: and after that, I

have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of thatblessedordinance;andhave,Itrust,thereindiscernedtheLord’sbody,asbrokenformysins,and thatHispreciousbloodhathbeenshed formytransgressions.

255.UponatimeIwassomethingincliningtoaconsumption,wherewithabout the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with muchweaknessinmyoutwardman;insomuchthatIthoughtIcouldnotlive.NowbeganIafreshtogivemyselfuptoaseriousexaminationaftermystateandcondition for the future, andofmyevidences for thatblessedworldtocome:forithath,IblessthenameofGod,beenmyusualcourse,asalways,soespeciallyinthedayofaffliction,toendeavourtokeepmyinterestinthelifetocome,clearbeforemineeyes.

256.ButIhadnosoonerbegantorecalltomindmyformerexperienceofthegoodnessofGodtomysoul,buttherecameflockingintomymindaninnumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst whichthese were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness,dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of mywearisomenessinallgoodthings,mywantoflovetoGod,Hiswaysandpeople,with this at the endof all,Are these the fruits ofChristianity?Arethesetokensofablessedman?

257.Attheapprehensionsofthesethingsmysicknesswasdoubleduponme;fornowIwassickinmyinwardman,mysoulwascloggedwithguilt;nowalsowasmyformerexperienceofGod’sgoodnesstome,quitetakenoutofmymind,andhidasiftheyhadneverbeen,orseen:nowwasmysoulgreatlypinchedbetweenthesetwoconsiderations,LiveImustnot,dieIdarenot.NowIsunkandfellinmyspirit,andwasgivingupallforlost;butasIwaswalkingupanddowninthehouseasamaninamostwoeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart,Ye are justifiedfreely by His grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.Rom.iii.24.Butoh!whataturnitmadeuponme!

258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep anddream;andlisteningtothisheavenlysentence,IwasasifIhadhearditthusexpoundedtome:Sinner,thouthinkest,thatbecausethysinsandinfirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold My Son is by me, and

uponHimIlook,andnotonthee,andshalldealwiththeeaccordingasIampleasedwithHim. Atthis Iwasgreatly lightened inmymind,andmade tounderstand, thatGodcould justifya sinneratany time; itwasbutHis looking upon Christ, and imputingHis benefits to us, and theworkwasforthwithdone.

259. And as Iwas thus in amuse, that scripture also camewithgreatpoweruponmyspirit,Notbyworksofrighteousnessthatwehavedone,butaccordingtoHismercyHehathsavedus,etc.2Tim.i.9;Tit.iii.5.NowwasIgotonhigh,Isawmyselfwithinthearmsofgraceandmercy;andthoughIwasbeforeafraidtothinkofadyinghour,yet,nowIcried,Letmedie:Nowdeathwaslovelyandbeautifulinmysight,forIsawWeshall never live indeed, till we be gone to the other world. Oh!methoughtthislifeisbutaslumber, incomparisonwiththatabove.AtthistimealsoIsawmoreinthesewords,HeirsofGod,Rom.viii.17,thanever I shall be able to expresswhile I live in thisworld:Heirs ofGod!GodHimselfistheportionofthesaints.ThisIsawandwonderedat,butcannottellyouwhatIsaw.

260.Again,asIwasatanothertimeveryillandweak,allthattimealsothetempterdidbesetmestrongly(forIfindheismuchforassaultingthesoul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is hisopportunity), labouringtohidefrommemyformerexperienceofGod’sgoodness:alsosettingbeforemetheterrorsofdeath,andthejudgmentofGod,insomuchthatatthistime,throughmyfearofmiscarryingforever(shouldInowdie),Iwasasonedeadbeforedeathcame,andwasasifIhadfeltmyselfalreadydescendingintothepit;methoughtIsaid,Therewerenoway,buttohellImust:butbehold,justasIwasinthemidstofthosefears,thesewordsoftheangel’scarryingLazarus intoAbraham’sbosomdarted in uponme, aswho should say,So it shall bewith theewhenthoudostleavethisworld. Thisdidsweetlyrevivemyspirit,andhelpme to hope in God; which when I had with comfort mused on awhile,thatwordfellwithgreatweightuponmymind,Odeath,whereisthysting?Ograve,whereisthyvictory?1Cor.xv.55.AtthisIbecamebothwellinbodyandmindatonce,formysicknessdidpresentlyvanish,andIwalkedcomfortablyinmyworkforGodagain.

261.Atanothertime,thoughjustbeforeIwasprettywellandsavouryin

my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness,whichdidsohidefrommethethingsofGodandChrist,thatIwasasifIhadneverseenorknowntheminmy life: Iwasalsosoover-run inmysoulwith a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feelmysoul tomoveor stir aftergrace and life byChrist; Iwas as ifmy loinswere broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound withchains.AtthistimealsoIfeltsomeweaknesstoseizeuponmyoutwardman, which made still the other affliction the more heavy anduncomfortabletome.

262.AfterIhadbeeninthisconditionsomethreeorfourdays,asIwassittingbythefire,Isuddenlyfeltthiswordtosoundinmyheart,ImustgotoJesus.Atthismyformerdarknessandatheismfledaway,andtheblessedthingsofheavenweresetinmyview.WhileIwasonthissuddenthusovertakenwithsurprise,Wife(saidI),isthereeversuchascripture,ImustgotoJesus? Shesaid,shecouldnot tell; thereforeIsatmusingstill,toseeifIcouldremembersuchaplace:Ihadnotsatabovetwoorthreeminutes,butthatcameboltinginuponme,Andtoaninnumerablecompanyofangels;andwithal,Hebrewstwelfth,aboutthemountSion,wassetbeforemineeyes.Heb.xii.22–24.

263.ThenwithjoyItoldmywife,O!nowIknow,Iknow!Butthatnightwas a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for thecompanyofsomeofGod’speople,thatImighthaveimparteduntothemwhatGodhadshowedme. ChristwasapreciousChristtomysoulthatnight; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph,throughChrist.Thisgreatglorydidnotcontinueuponmeuntilmorning,yet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was ablessedscripturetomeformanydaystogetherafterthis.

p.147264.Thewordsarethese:YearecometomountSion,anduntothecityof the livingGod,theheavenlyJerusalem,and to an innumerablecompanyofangels,tothegeneralassemblyandchurchofthefirst-born,which arewritten in heaven;and to God the Judge of all,and to thespiritsofjustmenmadeperfect,andtoJesustheMediatorof theNewCovenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better thingsthan thatofAbel. Through thisblessed sentence theLord ledmeoverandover,firsttothisword,andthentothat;andshowedmewonderful

glory in everyone of them. Thesewords alsohave oft since that time,beengreatrefreshmenttomyspirit.BlessedbeGodforhavingmercyonme.

ABriefAccountoftheAuthor’sCalltotheWorkoftheMinistry

265.ANDnowIamspeakingmyexperience,Iwillinthisplacethrustinaword or two concerning my preaching the word, and of God’s dealingwithme in that particular also. For after I had been about five or sixyears awakened, and helpedmyself to see both the want andworth ofJesusChrist ourLord, andalso enabled to venturemy souluponHim;someofthemostableamongthesaintswithus,Isay,themostableforjudgment andholiness of life, as they conceived, didperceive thatGodhadcountedmeworth tounderstandsomethingofHiswill inHisholyand blessed word, and had given me utterance in some measure, toexpresswhat I sawtoothers, foredification; therefore theydesiredme,andthatwithmuchearnestness,thatIwouldbewilling,atsometimestotakeinhand,inoneofthemeetings,tospeakawordofexhortationuntothem.

266.Thewhich,thoughatthefirstitdidmuchdashandabashmyspirit,yetbeingstillbythemdesiredandentreated,Iconsentedtotheirrequest,and did twice at two several assemblies (but in private), though withmuchweaknessandinfirmity,discovermygiftamongst them;atwhichtheynotonlyseemedtobe,butdidsolemnlyprotest,asinthesightofthegreatGod,theywerebothaffectedandcomforted;andgavethankstotheFatherofmercies,forthegracebestowedonme.

267.Afterthis,sometimes,whensomeofthemdidgointothecountrytoteach,theywouldalsothatIshouldgowiththem;where,thoughasyet,Idid not nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet moreprivately,still,asIcameamongstthegoodpeople inthoseplaces,Ididsometimesspeakawordofadmonitionuntothemalso; thewhichthey,as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward,professingtheirsoulswereedifiedthereby.

268.Wherefore,tobebrief;atlast,beingstilldesiredbythechurch,aftersome solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more particularly

called forth, andappointed to amoreordinary andpublicpreachingoftheword,notonly toandamongst them thatbelieved,butalso toofferthe gospel to those who had not yet received the faith thereof; aboutwhich time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forwardthereto;thoughIblessGod,notfordesireofvain-glory;foratthattimeIwasmostsorelyafflictedwiththefierydartsofthedevil,concerningmyeternalstate.

269.Butyetcouldnotbecontent,unlessIwasfoundintheexerciseofmygift,untowhichalsoIwasgreatlyanimated,notonlybythecontinualdesiresofthegodly,butalsobythatsayingofPaultotheCorinthians:Ibeseechyou,brethren(yeknowthehouseholdofStephanas,thatitisthefirst fruits of Achaia, and that they have addicted themselves to theministryofthesaints)thatyesubmityourselvesuntosuch,andtoeveryonethathelpethwithus,andlaboureth.1Cor.xvi.15,16.

270.BythistextIwasmadetoseethattheHolyGhostneverintendedthatmenwhohavegiftsandabilities,shouldburythemintheearth,butratherdidcommandandstirupsuchtotheexerciseoftheirgift,andalsodidcommendthosethatwereaptandreadysotodo.Theyhaveaddictedthemselvestotheministryofthesaints.Thisscripture,inthesedays,didcontinuallyruninmymind,toencourageme,andstrengthenmeinthismy work for God; I have also been encouraged from several otherscriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in the word, andother ancient histories:Acts viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc.; 1Pet. iv. 10;Rom.xii.6;Fox’sActsandMon.

271.Wherefore,thoughofmyselfofallthesaintsthemostunworthy;yetI,butwithgreatfearandtremblingatthesightofmyownweakness,didsetuponthework,anddidaccordingtomygift,andtheproportionofmyfaith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showedme in the holywordoftruth:whichwhenthecountryunderstood,theycameintohearthewordbyhundreds,andthatfromallparts,thoughuponsundryanddiversaccounts.

272.AndIthankGod,Hegaveuntomesomemeasureofbowelsandpityfor their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with greatdiligenceandearnestness,tofindoutsuchawordasmight,ifGodwould

bless,layholdof,andawakentheconscience;inwhichalsothegoodLordhad respect to the desire of His servant; for I had not preached long,beforesomebegantobetouched,andbegreatlyafflictedintheirmindsat the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their need ofJesusChrist.

273. But I first could not believe that God should speak byme to theheart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thuswere touched,would lovemeandhaveaparticular respect forme;andthough Ididput it fromme, that they shouldbe awakenedbyme, stilltheywouldconfessit,andaffirmitbeforethesaintsofGod:theywouldalsoblessGodforme(unworthywretchthatIam!)andcountmeGod’sinstrumentthatshowedtothemthewayofsalvation.

274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be soconstant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after theknowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did sendme wheretheywere;thenIbegantoconcludeitmightbeso,thatGodhadownedinHisworksuchafoolishoneasI;andthencamethatwordofGodtomyheart,withmuchsweetrefreshment,Theblessingofhimthatwasreadytoperish, iscomeuponme;andIcausedthewidow’shearttosingforjoy.Jobxxix.13.

275. At this therefore I rejoiced;yea, the tearsof thosewhomGoddidawaken bymy preaching, would be both solace and encouragement tome:forIthoughtonthosesayings,WhoisHethenthatmakethmeglad,butthesamewhichismadesorrybyMe?2Cor.ii.2.Andagain,IfIbenot anApostle to others,yet doubtless, I amunto you: for the seal ofmineapostleshipareyeintheLord.1Cor.ix.2.Thesethings,therefore,wereasanotherargumentuntome,thatGodhadcalledmeto,andstoodbymeinthiswork.

276.Inmypreachingoftheword,Itookspecialnoticeofthisonething,namely,thattheLorddidleadmetobeginwhereHiswordbeginswithsinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege, that thecurseofGodbythelaw,dothbelongto,andlayholdonallmenastheycomeintotheworld,becauseofsin.NowthispartofmyworkIfulfilledwith great sense; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for my

transgressions,layheavyonmyconscience:IpreachedwhatIfelt,whatIsmartinglydid feel; even thatunderwhichmypoor souldid groanandtrembletoastonishment.

277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I wentmyselfinchains,topreachtotheminchains;andcarriedthatfireinmyownconscience, that Ipersuaded themtobeawareof. I can truly say,and thatwithout dissembling, thatwhen I have been to preach, I havegone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit door, and there it hathbeentakenoff,andIhavebeenat liberty inmyminduntil Ihavedonemywork;andthenimmediately,evenbeforeIcouldgetdownthepulpitstairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God carriedme on, butsurelywithastronghand,forneitherguiltnorhellcouldtakemeoffmywork.

278.ThusIwentonforthespaceoftwoyears,cryingoutagainstmen’ssins,andtheirfearfulstatebecauseofthem.Afterwhich,theLordcameinuponmyownsoul,withsomestaidpeaceandcomfortthroughChrist;forHedidgivememanysweetdiscoveriesofHisblessedgracethroughHim;whereforenowIalteredinmypreaching(forstillIpreachedwhatIsawandfelt);nowthereforeIdidmuchlabourtoholdforthJesusChristin allHis offices, relations, and benefits unto theworld; and did strivealsotodiscover,tocondemn,andremovethosefalsesupportsandpropsonwhichtheworlddothbothlean,andbythemfallandperish.OnthesethingsalsoIstaidaslongasontheother.

279.Afterthis,GodledmeintosomethingofthemysteryoftheunionofChrist;whereforethatIdiscoveredandshowedtothemalso.And,whenIhadtravelledthroughthesethreechiefpointsofthewordofGod,aboutthespaceoffiveyearsormore,Iwascaughtinmypresentpractice,andcast into prison, where I have lain above as long again to confirm thetruthbywayofsuffering,asIwasbefore in testifyingof itaccordingtothescriptures,inawayofpreaching.

280.WhenIhavebeeninpreaching,IthankGodmyhearthathoftenallthe time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness cried toGodthatHewouldmakethewordeffectual tothesalvationof thesoul;still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the

conscience,andsoitshouldbecomeunfruitful:whereforeIshouldlabourtospeaktheword,asthatthereby,ifitwerepossible,thesinandpersonguiltymightbeparticularizedbyit.

281. Andwhen I have done the exercise, it hath gone tomy heart, tothinkthewordshouldnowfallasrainonstonyplaces;stillwishingfrommyheart,Oh!thattheywhohaveheardmespeakthisday,didbutseeasI do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and also what thegrace, and love, andmercyofGod is, throughChrist, tomen in such acase as they are, who are yet estranged fromHim. And indeed, I didoftensayinmyheartbeforetheLord,Thatiftobehangeduppresentlybeforetheireyes,wouldbeameanstoawakenthem,andconfirmtheminthetruth,Igladlyshouldbecontented.

282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have beenengagedinthedoctrineoflifebyChrist,withoutworks,asifanangelofGodhadstoodbyatmybacktoencourageme:Oh!ithathbeenwithsuchpower and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have beenlabouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon theconscienceofothers;thatIcouldnotbecontentedwithsaying,Ibelieve,andamsure;methoughtIwasmorethansure(ifitbelawfultoexpressmyself)thatthosethingswhichthenIasserted,weretrue.

283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors andpriestsofthecountrydidopenwideagainstme.ButIwaspersuadedofthis,nottorenderrailingforrailing;buttoseehowmanyoftheircarnalprofessorsIcouldconvinceoftheirmiserablestatebythelaw,andofthewantandworthofChrist:for,thoughtI,Thisshallanswerformeintimetocome,whentheyshallbeformyhirebeforetheirface.Gen.xxx.33.

284.Inevercaredtomeddlewiththingsthatwerecontroverted,andindispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet itpleasedmemuchtocontendwithgreatearnestnessforthewordoffaith,andtheremissionofsinsbythedeathandsufferingsofJesus:butIsay,astootherthings,Ishouldletthemalone,becauseIsawtheyengenderedstrife;andbecausethattheyneitherindoing,norinleavingundone,didcommendustoGodtobeHis:besides,Isawmyworkbeforemedidrunintoanotherchannel,eventocarryanawakeningword;tothattherefore

didIstickandadhere.

285. I never endeavoured to,nordurstmakeuseof othermen’s lines,Rom.xv.18(thoughIcondemnnotallthatdo),forIverilythought,andfoundbyexperience,thatwhatwastaughtmebythewordandSpiritofChrist, couldbespoken,maintained,andstood to,by the soundestandbest established conscience; and though Iwill not now speak all that Iknowinthismatter,yetmyexperiencehathmoreinterestinthattextofscripture,Gal.i.11,12,thanmanyamongstmenareaware.

286. Ifanyof thosewhowereawakenedbymyministry,didafter thatfall back (as sometimes toomany did), I can truly say, their loss hathbeenmore tome, than if oneofmyown children, begottenofmyownbody,hadbeengoingto itsgrave:I thinkverily, Imayspeak itwithoutanyoffence to theLord,nothinghasgone sonearmeas that;unless itwasthefearofthelossofthesalvationofmyownsoul.IhavecountedasifIhadgoodlybuildingsandlordshipsinthoseplaceswheremychildrenwere born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of thisexcellentwork,thatIcountedmyselfmoreblessedandhonouredofGodbythis, thanifHehadmademetheemperorof theChristianworld,orthe lord of all the glory of the earth without it! Oh these words! Hewhichconverteththesinnerfromtheerrorofhisway,shallsaveasoulfromdeath.Jamesv.20.Thefruitoftherighteousisatreeoflife;andhethatwinnethsoulsiswise.Prov.xi.30.Theythatbewiseshallshineas the brightness of the firmament, and they that turn many torighteousness,asthestars foreverandever. Dan.xii.3. Forwhat isourhope,orjoy,orcrownofrejoicing?ArenotevenyeinthepresenceofourLordJesusChristatHiscoming?Foryeareourgloryandjoy.1Thes.ii.19,20.These,Isay,withmanyothersofalikenature,havebeengreatrefreshmentstome.

287.Ihaveobserved,thatwhereIhavehadaworktodoforGod,Ihavehad first,as itwere, thegoingofGoduponmyspirit, todesire Imightpreachthere:Ihavealsoobserved,thatsuchandsuchsoulsinparticular,havebeenstronglysetuponmyheart,andIstirreduptowishfortheirsalvation;andthattheseverysoulshave,afterthis,beengiveninasthefruitsofmyministry. Ihaveobserved, thatawordcast in, by-the-bye,hathdonemoreexecutioninasermon,thanallthatwasspokenbesides:

sometimesalso,whenIhavethoughtIdidnogood,thenIdidthemostofall;andatothertimes,whenIthoughtIshouldcatchthem,Ihavefishedfornothing.

288.Ihavealsoobserved,thatwheretherehasbeenaworktodouponsinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by themouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world hathragedmost,therehathbeensoulsawakenedbytheword:Icouldinstanceparticulars,butIforbear.

289. My great desire inmy fulfillingmyministry was to get into thedarkest places of the country, even amongst those people that werefarthestoffofprofession;yetnotbecauseIcouldnotendurethelight(forIfearednottoshowmygospeltoany)butbecauseIfoundmyspiritdidlean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that Icarrieddidleanitselfmostthatwayalso;Yea,sohaveIstrivedtopreachthe gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should build uponanotherman’sfoundation.Rom.xv.20.

290. Inmypreaching Ihave really been inpain, andhave, as itwere,travailedtobringforthchildrentoGod;neithercouldIbesatisfiedunlesssome fruits did appear inmywork. If Iwere fruitless, itmatterednotwhocommandedme:butifIwerefruitful,Icarednotwhodidcondemn.Ihavethoughtofthat:Lo!childrenareanheritageoftheLord;andthefruitofthewombisHisreward.—Asarrowsareinthehandofamightyman,soarechildrenoftheyouth.Happyisthemanthathathhisquiverfull of them: they shall not be ashamed,but they shall speakwith theenemiesinthegate.Psalmcxxvii.3–5.

291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if theyseemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and theworth of their own salvation,soundconvictionforsin,especiallyforunbelief,andaheartsetonfiretobe saved byChrist,with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul:thatitwasthatdelightedme;thosewerethesoulsIcountedblessed.

292.Butinthiswork,asinallother,Ihadmytemptationsattendingme,and thatofdiverskinds;assometimes I shouldbeassaultedwithgreatdiscouragementtherein,fearingthatIshouldnotbeabletospeakaword

atalltoedification;nay,thatIshouldnotbeabletospeaksenseuntothepeople; at which times I should have such a strange faintness andstrengthlessnessseizeuponmybody,thatmylegshavescarcebeenabletocarrymetotheplaceofexercise.

293.SometimesagainwhenIhavebeenpreaching,Ihavebeenviolentlyassaultedwiththoughtsofblasphemy,andstronglytemptedtospeakthewordswithmymouthbeforethecongregation.Ihavealsoatsometimes,evenwhenIhavebeguntospeakthewordwithmuchclearness,evidence,andlibertyofspeech,yetbeen,beforetheendingofthatopportunity,soblindedandsoestrangedfromthethingsIhavebeenspeaking,andhavebeenalsosostraightenedinmyspeech,astoutterancebeforethepeople,thatIhavebeenasifIhadnotknown,orrememberedwhatIhavebeenabout;orasifmyheadhadbeeninabagallthetimeofmyexercise.

294.Again,whenassometimesIhavebeenabouttopreachuponsomesmart and searching portion of the word, I have found the temptersuggest,What!will you preach this! This condemns yourself; of thisyourownsoul isguilty;whereforepreachnotof itatall;orifyoudo,yet somince it,as tomakeway for your own escape; lest instead ofawakeningothers,youlaythatguiltuponyourownsoul,thatyouwillnevergetfromunder.

295.ButIthanktheLord,Ihavebeenkeptfromconsentingtothesesohorridsuggestions,andhaverather,asSampson,bowedmyselfwithallmymight, to condemn sin and transgression,wherever I found it; yea,thoughthereinalsoIdidbringguiltuponmyownconscience:Letmedie(thought I),with the Philistines, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than dealcorruptly with the blessed word of God. Thou that teachest another,teachestthounotthyself?Itisfarbetterthatthoudojudgethyself,evenbypreachingplainlyuntoothers,thanthatthou,tosavethyself,imprisonthetruthinrighteousness.BlessedbeGodforHishelpalsointhis.

296. Ihavealso,while foundinthisblessedworkofChrist,beenoftentempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare not say, Ihavenotbeenaffectedwiththis,yettrulytheLordofHispreciousmercy,hathsocarriedittowardsme,thatforthemostpartIhavehadbutsmalljoytogivewaytosuchathing:forithathbeenmyeveryday’sportionto

beletintotheevilofmyownheart,andstillmadetoseesuchamultitudeofcorruptionsandinfirmitiestherein,thatithathcausedhangingdownof theheadunderallmygiftsandattainments; Ihave felt this thorn intheflesh,2Cor.xii.8,9,theverymercyofGodtome.

297. Ihavealsohad,togetherwiththis,somenotableplaceorotherofthe word presented before me, which word hath contained in it somesharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul,notwithstandinggiftsandparts:as,forinstance,thathathbeenofgreatusetome:ThoughIspeakwiththetonguesofmenandangels,andhavenotcharity,Iambecomeassoundingbrass,andatinklingcymbal. 1Cor.xiii.1,2.

298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrumentofmusic,withwhicha skilfulplayercanmakesuchmelodiousandheart-inflamingmusic,thatallwhohearhimplay,canscarcelyholdfromdancing;andyetbeholdthecymbalhathnot life,neithercomes themusic fromit,butbecauseof theartofhim that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come tonought and perish, though in times past such music hath been madeuponit.

299. Just thus I saw itwas,andwillbe,with themwhohavegifts,butwant saving grace; they are in thehandofChrist, as the cymbal in thehandofDavid:andasDavidcouldwiththecymbalmakethatmirth intheserviceofGod,astoelevatetheheartsoftheworshippers,soChristcanusethesegiftedmen,aswiththemtoaffectthesoulsofHispeopleinHischurch;yetwhenHehathdoneall,hangthemby,aslifeless, thoughsoundingcymbals.

300. This consideration therefore, togetherwith someothers,were forthemostpart,asamaulontheheadofpride,anddesireofvain-glory.What,thoughtI,shallIbeproudbecauseIamasoundingbrass?Isitsomuch to be a fiddle?hathnot the least creature that hath life,more ofGodin it than these? Besides, I knew ’twas love should neverdie,butthesemustceaseandvanish:soIconcluded,alittlegrace,alittlelove,alittleofthetruefearofGod,isbetterthanallthegifts:yea,andIamfullyconvincedofit,thatitispossibleforsoulsthatcanscarcegiveamanananswer, butwith great confusion as tomethod; I say, it is possible for

themtohaveathousandtimesmoregrace,andsotobemoreintheloveand favour of the Lord, than some who by the virtue of the gift ofknowledge,candeliverthemselveslikeangels.

301. Thus thereforeIcametoperceive that, thoughgifts in themselvesweregood,tothethingforwhichtheyaredesigned,towit,theedificationofothers;yetempty,andwithoutpowertosavethesoulofhimthathaththem,iftheybealone:neitherarethey,asso,anysignofaman’sstatetobe happy, being only a dispensation of God to some, of whoseimprovement,ornon-improvement,theymustwhenalittlelovemoreisover, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and thedead.

302.Thisshowedmetoo,thatgiftsbeingalone,weredangerous,notinthemselves,butbecauseofthoseevilsthatattendthemthathavethem,towit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all which were easilyblown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvisedChristian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into thecondemnationofthedevil.

303.Isawthereforethathethathathgifts,hadneedbeletintoasightofthenatureofthem,towit,thattheycomeshortofmakingofhimtobeinatrulysavedcondition,lestherestinthem,andsofallshortofthegraceofGod.

304.HehathcausealsotowalkhumblywithGodandbelittleinhisowneyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but thechurches;and thatby themhe ismadea servant to thechurch;andhemustalsogiveatlastanaccountofhisstewardshipuntotheLordJesus,andtogiveagoodaccountwillbeablessedthing.

305. Let allmen thereforeprizea littlewith the fearof theLord (giftsindeedaredesirable),butyetgreatgraceandsmallgiftsarebetterthangreatgiftsandnograce. Itdothnotsay, theLordgivesgiftsandglory,buttheLordgivesgraceandglory;andblessedissuchanone,towhomtheLordgivesgrace,truegrace;forthatisacertainforerunnerofglory.

306.ButwhenSatanperceivedthathisthustemptingandassaultingof

me,wouldnotanswerhisdesign;towit,tooverthrowtheministry,andmake it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: then he tried another way,whichwas,tostirupthemindsoftheignorantandmalicioustoloadmewith slanders and reproaches: now therefore I may say, that what thedevilcoulddevise,andhisinstrumentsinvent,waswhirledupanddownthe country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means theyshouldmakemyministrytobeabandoned.

307.Itbeganthereforetoberumouredupanddownamongthepeople,thatIwasawitch,aJesuit,ahighwayman,andthelike.

308.Toallwhich,Ishallonlysay,GodknowsthatIaminnocent.Butasformine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before thetribunalof theSonofGod,there toanswer forall these things(withallthe rest of their iniquities) unless God shall give them repentance forthem,forthewhichIpraywithallmyheart.

309.Butthatwhichwasreportedwiththeboldestconfidence,was,thatIhadmymisses,mywhores,mybastards;yea,twowivesatonce,andthelike. Now these slanders (with the others) I glory in, because butslanders,foolishorknavishlies,andfalsehoodscastuponmebythedevilandhisseed;and,shouldInotbedealtwiththuswickedlybytheworld,Ishouldwantonesignofasaint,andachildofGod.Blessedareye(saidtheLordJesus)whenmenshallrevileyouandpersecuteyou,andshallsayallmanner of evil against you falsely forMysake;rejoice and beexceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so persecutedtheytheprophetswhichwerebeforeyou.Matt.iv.11.

310.Thesethingstherefore,uponmineownaccount,troublemenot;no,though they were twenty times more than they are. I have a goodconscience,andwhereastheyspeakevilofme,asanevil-doer,theyshallbeashamedthatfalselyaccusemygoodconversationinChrist.

311. So then,whatshall I say to thosewhohave thusbespatteredme?ShallIthreatenthem?ShallIchidethem?ShallIflatterthem?ShallIentreatthemtoholdtheirtongues?No,notI.Wereitnotforthatthesethingsmakethemripefordamnation,thataretheauthorsandabettors,Iwouldsayuntothem,Reportit,because’twillincreasemyglory.

312. Therefore Ibind these lies and slanders tomeas anornament; itbelongs tomyChristianprofession tobevilified, slandered, reproachedand reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my God and myconsciencedobearmewitness,IrejoiceinreproachesforChrist’ssake.

313.Ialsocallallthesefoolsorknaves,thathavethusmadeitanythingoftheirbusinesstoaffirmanyofthethingsafore-namedofme;namely,ThatIhavebeennaughtwithotherwomen,orthelike.Whentheyhaveused the utmost of their endeavours, andmade the fullest inquiry thattheycan,toproveagainstmetruly,thatthereisanywomaninheaven,orearth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any place, by day ornight,somuchasattemptedtobenaughtwiththem;andspeakIthustobegmyenemies intoagoodesteemofme? No,notI: Iwill in thisbegbeliefofnoman:believeordisbelievemeinthis,allisa-casetome.

314.Myfoeshavemissedtheirmarkinthisshootingatme:Iamnottheman:Iwishthat they themselvesbeguiltless. Ifall the fornicatorsandadulterersinEnglandwerehangedupbythenecktilltheybedead,JohnBunyan,theobjectoftheirenvy,wouldbestillaliveandwell.Iknownotwhethertherebesuchathingasawomanbreathingunderthecopesofthe whole heaven, but by their apparel, their children, or by commonfame,exceptmywife.

315. And in this Iadmire thewisdomofGod, thatHemademeshyofwomenfrommyfirstconversionuntilnow.Thoseshyofwomenknow,and can also bearmewitness,withwhom I have beenmost intimatelyconcerned, that it is a rare thing to seeme carry it pleasant towards awoman: the commonsalutationofwomen I abhor; ’tis odious tome inwhomsoeverIseeit.Theircompanyalone,Icannotawaywith;Iseldomsomuch as touch a woman’s hand; for I think these things are not sobecomingme.WhenIhaveseengoodmensalutethosewomenthattheyhavevisited,orthathavevisitedthem,Ihaveattimesmademyobjectionagainstit;andwhentheyhaveanswered,thatitwasbutapieceofcivility,Ihave told them, it isnotacomelysight. Some indeedhaveurged theholy kiss; but then I have asked why theymade baulks? why they didsalute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? Thus, howlaudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they havebeenunseemlyinmysight.

316. Andnowforawind-up in thismatter, Icallingnotonlymen,butangels,toprovemeguiltyofhavingcarnallytodowithanywomansavemywife:noramIafraid todo itasecondtime;knowing that it cannotoffendtheLordinsuchacase,tocallGodforarecorduponmysoul,thatinthesethingsIaminnocent.NotthatIhavebeenthuskept,becauseofanygoodnessinme,morethananyother;butGodhasbeenmercifultome,andhaskeptme;towhomIpraythatHewillkeepmestill,notonlyfromthis,buteveryevilwayandwork,andpreservemetoHisheavenlykingdom.Amen.

317.NowasSatanlabouredbyreproachesandslanders,tomakemevileamongmycountrymen;that,ifpossible,mypreachingmightbemadeofnoneeffect;sotherewasaddedhereto,alongandtediousimprisonment,that thereby Imight be frightened frommy service for Christ, and theworldterrified,andmadeafraidtohearmepreach;ofwhichIshallinthenextplacegiveyouabriefaccount.

ABRIEFACCOUNTOFTHEAUTHOR’SIMPRISONMENT

318.HavingmadeprofessionofthegloriousgospelofChristalongtime,andpreachedthesameaboutfiveyears,Iwasapprehendedatameetingof good people in the country (amongwhom, had they letme alone, Ishould have preached that day, but they took me away from amongstthem),andhadmebeforeajustice;who,afterIhadofferedsecurityformy appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because mysuretieswouldnotconsenttobeboundthatIshouldpreachnomoretothepeople.

319.AtthesessionsafterIwasindictedforanupholderandmaintainerofunlawful assemblies and conventicles, and fornot conforming to thenationalworship of the church ofEngland; and after some conferencethere with the justices, they taking my plain dealing with them for aconfession, as they termed it, of the indictment, did sentence me to aperpetual banishment, because I refused to conform. So being againdeliveredup to the jailer’s hands, Iwashadhome to prison, and therehave lain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what God would

sufferthesementodowithme.

320. Inwhich condition Ihave continuedwithmuch content, throughgrace,buthavemetwithmanyturningsandgoingsuponmyheart,bothfromtheLord,Satan,andmyowncorruptions;byallwhich(glorybetoJesusChrist)Ihavealsoreceivedamongmanythings,muchconviction,instruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not herediscourse;onlygiveyouahintortwo,awordthatmaystirupthegodlytoblessGod,andtoprayforme;andalsototakeencouragement,shouldthecasebetheirown—nottofearwhatmancandountothem.

321. Ineverhadinallmylifesogreataninlet intothewordofGodasnow:thosescripturesthatIsawnothinginbefore,aremadeinthisplaceand state to shineuponme;JesusChrist alsowasnevermore real andapparentthannow;hereIhaveseenandfeltHimindeed:Oh!thatword,Wehave not preached unto you cunningly devised fables, 2 Pet. i. 16,andthat,GodraisedChristfromthedead,andgaveHimglory,thatourfaithandhopemightbeinGod1Pet.i.21,wereblessedwordsuntomeinthismyimprisonedcondition.

322.Thesethreeorfourscripturesalsohavebeengreatrefreshmentsinthisconditiontome:Johnxiv.1–4;Johnxvi.33;Col. iii.3,4;Heb.xii.22–24.SothatsometimeswhenIhavebeeninthesavourofthem,Ihavebeenable to laughatdestruction,and to fearneither thehorsenor hisrider.Ihavehadsweetsightsoftheforgivenessofmysinsinthisplace,and ofmybeingwith Jesus in anotherworld:Oh! themount Sion, theheavenlyJerusalem,the innumerablecompanyofangels,andGod theJudgeofall,and the spiritsof justmenmadeperfect,and Jesus, havebeen sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that here, that I ampersuaded I shall never,while in thisworld, be able to express: I haveseenatruthinthisscripture,Whomhavingnotseen,yelove; inwhom,though now you see Him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joyunspeakable,andfullofglory.1Pet.i.8.

323.IneverknewwhatitwasforGodtostandbymeatallturns,andateveryofferofSatantoafflictme,etc.,asIhavefoundHimsinceIcameinhither: for lookhow fearshavepresented themselves, sohave supportsandencouragements;yea,whenIhavestarted,evenasitwere,atnothing

else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath notsuffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture or another,strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said, were itlawful,Icouldprayforgreatertrouble,forthegreatercomfort’ssake.Eccl.vii.14;2Cor.i.5.

324.BeforeIcametoprison,Isawwhatwascoming,andhadespeciallytwoconsiderationswarmuponmyheart;thefirstwas,howtobeabletoencounterdeath,shouldthatbeheremyportion. Forthefirstofthese,thatscripture,Col.i.11,wasgreatinformationtome,namely,topraytoGodtobestrengthenedwithallmight,accordingtoHisgloriouspower,untoallpatienceandlong-sufferingwithjoyfulness. IcouldseldomgotoprayerbeforeIwasimprisoned;butfornotsolittleasayeartogether,this sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself intomymind,andpersuademe,thatifeverIwouldgothroughlong-suffering,Imusthaveallpatience,especiallyifIwouldendureitjoyfully.

325.Astothesecondconsideration,thatsaying(2Cor.i.9)wasofgreatusetome,Butwehadthesentenceofdeathinourselves,thatweshouldnot trust in ourselves, but in God, which raiseth the dead. By thisscriptureIwasmadetosee,ThatifeverIwouldsufferrightly,Imustfirstpassasentenceofdeathuponevery thing thatcanproperlybecalledathingofthislife,eventoreckonmyself,mywife,mychildren,myhealth,myenjoyments,andallasdeadtome,andmyselfasdeadtothem.

326. The secondwas to liveuponGod that is invisible, asPaul said inanotherplace;thewaynottofaintis,Tolooknotonthethingsthatareseen,butatthethingsthatarenotseen;forthethingsthatareseenaretemporal, but the things that are not seen are eternal. And thus Ireasonedwithmyself,ifIprovideonlyforaprison,thenthewhipcomesat unawares; and so doth also the pillory: Again, if I only provide forthese, then I am not fit for banishment. Further, if I conclude thatbanishment is theworst, then if death comes, I amsurprised: so thatIsee, the best way to go through sufferings, is to trust in God throughChrist, as touching the world to come; and as touching this world, tocount the grave my house, to make my bed in darkness; to say tocorruption,Thouartmyfather,andtotheworm,Thouartmymotherandsister:thatis,tofamiliarizethesethingstome.

327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man andcompassedwithinfirmities;thepartingwithmywifeandpoorchildren,hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the flesh from thebones,andthatnotonlybecauseIamsomewhattoofondofthesegreatmercies, but also because I should have often brought tomymind themany hardships, miseries, and wants that my poor family was like tomeetwith,shouldIbetakenfromthem,especiallymypoorblindchild,who lay nearer my heart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of thehardshipI thoughtmypoorblindonemightgounder,wouldbreakmyhearttopieces.

328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for thyportion in this world! Thoumust be beaten,must beg, suffer hunger,cold,nakedness,andathousandcalamities,thoughIcannotnowendurethewind should blowupon thee. But yet recallingmyself, thought I, ImustventureyouallwithGod,thoughitgoethtothequicktoleaveyou:Oh! I saw in this condition I was as amanwho was pulling down hishouseupontheheadofhiswifeandchildren;yet,thoughtI,Imustdoit,Imust do it: and now I thought on those twomilch kine thatwere tocarry the ark of God into another country, and to leave their calvesbehindthem.1Sam.vi.10–12.

329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was diversconsiderations,ofwhich, three inspecialhereIwillname, the firstwastheconsiderationofthesetwoscriptures,Leavethyfatherlesschildren,Iwillpreservethemalive,andletthywidowstrustinme:andagain,TheLordsaid,Verily it shallbewellwith thyremnant,verily,Iwill causethe enemy to entreat thee well in the time of evil, and in time ofaffliction.Jer.xlix.11;xv.11.

330.Ihadalsothisconsideration,thatifIshouldnotventureallforGod,IengagedGodtotakecareofmyconcernments:butifIforsookHimandHisways,forfearofanytroublethatshouldcometomeormine,thenIshould not only falsify my profession, but should count also that myconcernmentswerenotsosure,ifleftatGod’sfeet,whilstIstoodtoandforHisname,astheywouldbeiftheywereundermyowncare,thoughwiththedenialofthewayofGod.Thiswasasmartingconsideration,and

asspursuntomyflesh.Thatscripturealsogreatlyhelpedittofastenthemore upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that God woulddisappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell hisMaster.Prayreaditsoberly:Psalmcix.6–8,etc.

331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of thetormentsofhell,whichIwassuretheymustpartakeofthatforfearofthecross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His words and lawsbeforethesonsofmen:IthoughtalsooftheglorythatHehadpreparedfor those that in faith,and love,andpatience, stood toHiswaysbeforethem. These things, I say, have helpedme, when the thoughts of themiserythatbothmyselfandmine,mightforthesakeofmyprofessionbeexposedto,hathlainpinchingonmymind.

332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for myprofession,thenIhavethoughtofthatscripture:Theywerestoned,theywere sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword, theywandered about in sheep-skins, and goat-skins, being destitute,afflicted, tormented,of whom the world was not worthy; for all theythoughttheyweretoobadtodwellandabideamongstthem.Ihavealsothought of that saying, the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every city, thatbondsandafflictionsabideme.Ihaveverilythoughtthatmysoulandithavesometimesreasonedaboutthesoreandsadestateofabanishedandexiledcondition,howtheywereexposedtohunger, tocold, toperils, tonakedness,toenemies,andathousandcalamities;andatlast,itmaybe,todieinaditch,likeapooranddesolatesheep.ButIthankGod,hithertoI have not been moved by these most delicate reasonings, but haverather,bythem,moreapprovedmyhearttoGod.

333.Iwilltellyouaprettybusiness:—Iwasonceabovealltherest,inaverysadand lowcondition formanyweeks;atwhich timealso, Ibeingbut a young prisoner, and not acquaintedwith the laws, had this lyingmuchuponmyspirits,thatmyimprisonmentmightendatthegallowsforoughtthatIcouldtell. NowthereforeSatanlaidhardatme,tobeatmeoutofheart,bysuggestingthusuntome:Buthowif,whenyoucomeindeedtodie,youshouldbeinthiscondition;thatis,asnottosavourthethingsofGod,nortohaveanyevidenceuponyoursoulforabetterstatehereafter?(forindeedatthattimeallthethingsofGodwerehidfrommy

soul).

334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a greattroubletome;forIthoughtwithmyself,thatintheconditionInowwasin,Iwasnot fit todie,neither indeeddidI thinkIcould, if Ishouldbecalledtoit;besides,Ithoughtwithmyself,ifIshouldmakeascramblingshifttoclamberuptheladder,yetIshouldeitherwithquaking,orothersymptomsoffainting,giveoccasiontotheenemytoreproachthewayofGodandHispeoplefortheirtimorousness.This,therefore,laywithgreattroubleuponme, formethought Iwasashamed todiewithapale face,andtotteringknees,insuchacauseasthis.

335.WhereforeIprayedtoGodthatHewouldcomfortme,andgivemestrengthtodoandsuffermewhatHeshouldcallmeto;yetnocomfortappeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so reallypossessedwiththethoughtofdeath,thatoftIwasasifIwasonaladderwiththeropeaboutmyneck;onlythiswassomeencouragementtome;Ithought Imight now have an opportunity to speakmy last words to amultitude,whichIthoughtwouldcometoseemedie;and,thoughtI,ifitmustbeso,ifGodwillbutconvertonesoulbymyverylastwords,Ishallnotcountmylifethrownaway,norlost.

336.ButyetallthethingsofGodwerekeptoutofmysight,andstillthetempterfollowedmewith,Butwhithermustyougowhenyoudie?whatwill become of you?wherewill you be found in anotherworld?whatevidence have you for heaven and glory, and an inheritance amongthemthataresanctified?ThuswasItossedformanyweeks,andknewnotwhattodo;atlastthisconsiderationfellwithweightuponme,thatitwasforthewordandwayofGodthatIwasinthiscondition,WhereforeIwasengagednottoflinchanhair’sbreadthfromit.

337. I thoughtalso, thatGodmightchoosewhetherHewouldgivemecomfortnow,or at thehourofdeath;but Imightnot therefore choosewhetherIwouldholdmyprofessionorno:Iwasbound,butHewasfree;yea, ’twasmy duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever lookuponmeorsavemeatthelast:wherefore,thoughtI,savethepointbeingthus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ,whetherIhavecomforthereorno;ifGoddothnotcomein,thoughtI,I

willleapofftheladderevenblindfoldintoeternity,sinkorswim,comeheaven,comehell,Lord Jesus, if Thouwilt catchme,do; if not, IwillventureforThyname.

338.Iwasnosoonerfixedinthisresolution,buttheworddroppeduponme,DothJobserveGodfornought?Asiftheaccuserhadsaid,Lord,Jobisnouprightman,heservesTheeforbye-respects:hastThounotmadeanhedgeabouthim,etc. ButputforthnowThinehand,and touchallthathehath,and,hewillcurseTheetoThyface.Hownow!thoughtI,isthisthesignofanuprightsoul,todesiretoserveGod,whenallistakenfromhim?IsheagodlymanthatwillserveGodfornothing,ratherthangiveout! BlessedbeGod!thenIhopeIhaveanuprightheart, forIamresolved(Godgivingmestrength)nevertodenymyprofession,thoughIhave nothing at all for my pains: and as I was thus considering, thatscripturewassetbeforeme:Psalmxliv.12,etc.

339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere: Iwouldnothavebeenwithout this trial formuch; I amcomfortedeverytimeIthinkofit,andIhopeIshallblessGodforever,fortheteachingIhavehadbyit.ManymoreofthedealingstowardsmeImightrelate,Butthese out of the spoilswon in battle I have dedicated tomaintain thehouseofGod.1Chron.xxvi.27.

THECONCLUSION

1.OFallthetemptationsthateverImetwithinmylife,toquestionthebeingofGod, and truthofHis gospel is theworst, and theworst tobeborne;whenthistemptationcomes,ittakesawaymygirdlefromme,andremoveththefoundationfromunderme:Oh!Ihaveoftenthoughtofthatword,Have your loins girt about with truth; and of that,When thefoundationsaredestroyed,whatcantherighteousdo?

2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sorechastisement fromthehandofGod, theverynext that Ihavehad fromHim,hathbeenthediscoveryofHisgrace.SometimeswhenIhavebeencomforted, Ihavecalledmyself a fool formyso sinkingunder trouble.Andthenagain,whenIhavebeencastdown,IthoughtIwasnotwise,to

givesuchwaytocomfort;withsuchstrengthandweighthaveboththesebeenuponme.

3.Ihavewonderedmuchatthisonething,thatthoughGoddothvisitmysoulwithneversoblessedadiscoveryofHimself,yetIhavefoundagain,that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in myspiritsofilledwithdarkness, thatIcouldnotsomuchasonceconceivewhatthatGodandthatcomfortwas,withwhichIhavebeenrefreshed.

4.IhavesometimesseenmoreinalineoftheBible,thanIcouldwelltellhowtostandunder;andyetatanothertime,thewholeBiblehathbeentomeasdryasastick;orrather,Myhearthathbeensodeadanddryuntoit,thatIcouldnotconceivetherefreshment, thoughIhave lookeditallover.

5.Ofallfears,theyarebestthataremadebythebloodofChrist;andofalljoy,thatisthesweetestthatismixedwithmourningoverChrist:Oh!itisagoodlythingtobeonourknees,withChristinourarms,beforeGod:IhopeIknowsomethingofthesethings.

6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclining tounbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christmanifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. Wanderings andcoldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for; 6. Apt tomurmurbecauseIhavenomore,andyetreadytoabusewhatIhave;7.Ican do none of those things which God commands me, but mycorruptions will thrust in themselves. When I would do good, evil ispresentwithme.

7.ThesethingsIcontinuallyseeandfeel,andamafflictedandoppressedwith,yetthewisdomofGoddothorderthemformygood;1.Theymakeme abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my heart; 3. Theyconvinceme of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness; 4. Theyshowmethenecessityof flyingtoJesus;5.TheypressmetoprayuntoGod; 6. They showme the need I have to watch and be sober; 7. AndprovokemetoprayuntoGod,throughChrist,tohelpme,andcarrymethroughthisworld.

ARELATIONOFMYIMPRISONMENTINTHEMONTHOFNOVEMBER1660

WHEN,bythegoodhandofmyGod,Ihadfor fiveorsixyearstogether,withoutanyinterruption,freelypreachedtheblessedgospelofourLordJesus Christ; and had also, through His blessed grace, someencouragementbyHisblessing thereupon; the devil, that old enemyofman’ssalvation,tookhisopportunitytoinflametheheartsofhisvassalsagainstme,insomuchthatatthelast,Iwaslaidoutforbythewarrantofajustice,andwastakenandcommittedtoprison.Therelationthereofisasfolloweth:—

Uponthe12thofthisinstant,November1660,IwasdesiredbysomeofthefriendsinthecountrytocometoteachatSamsell,byHarlington,inBedfordshire. TowhomImadeapromise, if theLordpermitted, tobewith them on the time aforesaid. The justice hearing thereof (whosename isMrFrancisWingate), forthwith issued out hiswarrant to takeme,andbringmebeforehim,andinthemeantimetokeepaverystrongwatchabout thehousewhere themeeting shouldbekept, as ifwe thatwere to meet together in that place did intend to do some fearfulbusiness, to the destruction of the country; when alas! the constable,whenhe came in, foundusonlywithourBibles inourhands, ready tospeak and hear the word of God; for we were just about to begin ourexercise.Nay,wehadbeguninprayerfortheblessingofGoduponouropportunity,intendingtohavepreachedthewordoftheLorduntothemtherepresent:buttheconstablecominginpreventedus.SoIwastakenandforcedtodeparttheroom.ButhadIbeenmindedtohaveplayedthecoward,Icouldhaveescapedandkeptoutofhishands.ForwhenIwascometomyfriend’shouse,therewaswhisperingthatthatdayIshouldbetaken, for there was a warrant out to takeme; which whenmy friendheard, he being somewhat timorous, questioned whether we had besthave ourmeeting or not; andwhether itmight not be better forme todepart,lesttheyshouldtakemeandhavemebeforethejustice,andafterthatsendmetoprison(forheknewbetterthanIwhatspirittheywereof,livingbythem):towhomIsaid,No,bynomeans,Iwillnotstir,neitherwillIhavethemeetingdismissedforthis.Come,beofgoodcheer;letus

not be daunted; our cause is good, we need not be ashamed of it; topreachGod’sWord,issogoodawork,thatweshallbewellrewarded,ifwe suffer for that; or to thispurpose—(Butas formy friend, I thinkhewasmore afraid of me, than of himself.) After this I walked into theclose,whereIsomewhatseriouslyconsideringthematter,thiscameintomy mind, That I had showed myself hearty and courageous in mypreaching,andhad,blessedbegrace,madeitmybusinesstoencourageothers; thereforethoughtI, if Ishouldnowrun,andmakeanescape, itwill be of a very ill savour in the country. Forwhatwillmyweak andnewly-convertedbrethrenthinkofit,butthatIwasnotsostrongindeedas I was in word? Also I feared that if I should run now there was awarrantoutforme,Imightbysodoingmakethemafraidtostand,whengreat words only should be spoken to them. Besides I thought, thatseeingGodofHismercyshouldchoosemetogoupontheforlornhopeinthis country; that is, to be the first, that should be opposed, for thegospel; if I should fly, itmight be a discouragement to thewhole bodythatmightfollowafter. Andfurther,Ithoughttheworldtherebywouldtakeoccasionatmycowardliness,tohaveblasphemedthegospel,andtohavehadsomegroundtosuspectworseofmeandmyprofession,thanIdeserved.Thesethingswithothersconsideredbyme,Icameinagaintothehouse,withafullresolutiontokeepthemeeting,andnottogoaway,though I could have been gone about an hour before the officerapprehendedme;butIwouldnot;forIwasresolvedtoseetheutmostofwhattheycouldsayordountome.ForblessedbetheLord,IknewofnoevilthatIhadsaidordone. Andso,asaforesaid,Ibegunthemeeting.Butbeingpreventedbytheconstable’scominginwithhiswarranttotakeme,Icouldnotproceed.ButbeforeIwentaway,Ispakesomefewwordsofcounselandencouragementtothepeople,declaringtothem,thattheysawwewerepreventedofouropportunitytospeakandheartheWordofGod,andwereliketosufferforthesame;desiringthemthattheywouldnotbediscouraged, for itwasamercy to sufferuponsogoodaccount.For we might have been apprehended as thieves or murderers, or forother wickedness; but blessed be God it was not so, but we suffer asChristiansforwelldoing:andwehadbetterbethepersecuted,thanthepersecutors,etc. Buttheconstableandthe justice’smanwaitingonus,would not be at quiet till they hadme away and that we departed thehouse. But because the justice was not at home that day, there was a

friend of mine engaged for me to bring me to the constable on themorrowmorning. Otherwise the constablemust have charged awatchwithme,orhavesecuredmesomeotherway,mycrimewassogreat.Soonthenextmorningwewenttotheconstable,andsotothe justice.Heaskedtheconstablewhatwedid,wherewewasmet together,andwhatwehadwithus? I trow,hemeantwhetherwehadarmourornot; butwhentheconstabletoldhimthattherewereonlymetafewofustogethertopreachandheartheWord,andnosignofanythingelse,hecouldnotwelltellwhattosay:yetbecausehehadsentforme,hedidadventuretoputoutafewproposalstome,whichweretothiseffect,namely,WhatIdidthere?AndwhyIdidnotcontentmyselfwithfollowingmycalling?foritwasagainstthelaw,thatsuchasIshouldbeadmittedtodoasIdid.

John Bunyan. To which I answered, That the intent of my comingthither,andtootherplaces,wastoinstruct,andcounselpeopletoforsaketheir sins, and close inwithChrist, lest they didmiserably perish; andthatIcoulddoboththesewithoutconfusion(towit), followmycalling,andpreachtheWordalso.

At which words, he was in a chafe, as it appeared; for he said that hewouldbreaktheneckofourmeetings.

Bun.Isaid,Itmaybeso.Thenhewishedmetogetsuretiestobeboundforme,orelsehewouldsendmetothejail.

My sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bond for myappearance was made, he told them, that they was bound to keep mefrompreaching;andthatifIdidpreach,theirbondswouldbeforfeited.To which I answered, that then I should break them; for I should notleave speaking theWord ofGod: even to counsel, comfort, exhort, andteach thepeopleamongwhomI came; and I thought this tobe aworkthat had no hurt in it: but was rather worthy of commendation, thanblame.

Wingate. Whereathe toldme, that if theywouldnotbe sobound,mymittimusmustbemade,andIsenttothejail,theretolietothequartersessions.

Nowwhilemymittimuswasmaking, the justicewaswithdrawn;andincomesanoldenemytothetruth,DrLindale,who,whenhewascomein,felltotauntingatmewithmanyrevilingterms.

Bun.TowhomIanswered,thatIdidnotcomethithertotalkwithhim,butwiththejustice. WhereathesupposedthatIhadnothingtosayformyself, and triumphed as if he had got the victory; charging andcondemning me for meddling with that for which I could show nowarrant;andaskedme,ifIhadtakentheoaths?andifIhadnot,itwaspitybutthatIshouldbesenttoprison,etc.

Itoldhim,thatifIwasminded,Icouldanswertoanysoberquestionthatheshouldputtome.Hethenurgedmeagain,howIcouldproveitlawfulformetopreach,withagreatdealofconfidenceofthevictory.

But at last, becausehe should see that I could answerhim if I listed, IcitedtohimthatverseinPeter,whichsaith,everymanhathreceivedthegift,evensolethimministerthesame,etc.

Lind.Aye,saithhe,towhomisthatspoken?

Bun. Towhom,saidI,whytoeverymanthathathreceivedagift fromGod. Mark, saith the apostle,As everyman that hath received a giftfromGod,etc.;andagain,Youmayallprophesyonebyone. Whereatthemanwasalittlestopt,andwentasoftlierpace:butnotbeingwillingtolosetheday,hebeganagain,andsaid:—

Lind. Indeed, I do remember that I have read of one Alexander acoppersmith,whodidmuchoppose,anddisturbtheapostles;—(aimingitislikeatme,becauseIwasatinker).

Bun.TowhichIanswered,thatIalsohadreadofverymanypriestsandpharisees,thathadtheirhandsinthebloodofourLordJesusChrist.

Lind. Aye,saithhe,andyouareoneofthosescribesandpharisees: foryou,withapretence,makelongprayerstodevourwidows’houses.

Bun. I answered, that ifhehadgotnomorebypreachingandprayingthan I had done, he would not be so rich as now he was. But that

scripturecomingintomymind,Answernotafoolaccordingtohisfolly,IwasassparingofmyspeechasIcould,withoutprejudicetotruth.

Now by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to theconstable,tobesenttothejailinBedford,etc.

But as I was going, two ofmy brethrenmet withme by the way, anddesiredtheconstabletostay,supposingthattheyshouldprevailwiththejustice,throughthefavourofapretendedfriend,toletmegoatliberty.Sowedidstay,whiletheywenttothejustice;andaftermuchdiscoursewithhim,itcametothis:thatifIwouldcometohimagain,andsaysomecertainwordstohim,Ishouldbereleased.Whichwhentheytoldme,Isaid if thewordswassuch thatmightbesaidwithagoodconscience, Ishould or else I should not. So through their importunity went backagain,butnotbelievingthatIshouldbedelivered:forIfearedtheirspiritwas too full of opposition to the truth to letme go, unless I should, insomething or other, dishonour my God and wound my conscience.Wherefore,asIwent,IliftedupmyhearttoGod,forlightandstrengthtobekept,thatImightnotdoanythingthatmighteitherdishonourHim,orwrongmyownsoul,orbeagriefordiscouragement toany thatwasincliningaftertheLordJesusChrist.

Well,whenIcametothejusticeagain,therewasMrFosterofBedford,who, coming out of another room, and seeing me by the light of thecandle(foritwasdarknightwhenIwentthither),hesaiduntome,Whoisthere?JohnBunyan?withsuchseemingaffection,asifhewouldhaveleaped onmy neck and kissedme, whichmademe somewhatwonder,that such a man as he, with whom I had so little acquaintance, and,besides, thathad everbeen a close opposerof thewaysofGod, shouldcarryhimselfsofullof lovetome;but,afterwards,whenIsawwhathedid,itcausedmetorememberthosesayings,Theirtonguesaresmootherthanoil,buttheirwordsaredrawnswords.Andagain,Bewareofmen,etc.WhenIhadansweredhim,thatblessedbeGod,Iwaswell;hesaid,Whatistheoccasionofyourbeinghere?ortothatpurpose.TowhomIanswered,thatIwasatameetingofpeoplealittlewayoff,intendingtospeakawordofexhortationto them;the justicehearingthereof,saidI,waspleasedtosendhiswarranttofetchmebeforehim,etc.

Fost. So(saidhe),Iunderstand:butwell,ifyouwillpromisetocallthepeoplenomoretogether,youshallhaveyourlibertytogohome;formybrotherisveryloathtosendyoutoprison,ifyouwillbebutruled.

Bun.Sir(saidI),praywhatdoyoumeanbycallingthepeopletogether?mybusinessisnotanythingamongthem,whentheyarecometogether,buttoexhortthemtolookafterthesalvationoftheirsouls,thattheymaybesaved,etc.

Fost.Saithhe,Wemustnotenterintoexplication,ordisputenow;butifyouwillsayyouwillcallthepeoplenomoretogether,youmayhaveyourliberty;ifnot,youmustbesentawaytoprison.

Bun.Sir,saidI,Ishallnotforceorcompelanymantohearme;butyet,if I come intoanyplacewhere there isapeoplemet together, I should,accordingtothebestofmyskillandwisdom,exhortandcounselthemtoseekoutaftertheLordJesusChrist,forthesalvationoftheirsouls.

Fost.Hesaid,Thatwasnoneofmywork;Imustfollowmycalling;andifIwouldbutleaveoffpreaching,andfollowmycalling,Ishouldhavethejustice’sfavour,andbeacquittedpresently.

Bun. To whom I said, that I could follow my calling, and that too,namely, preaching theWord: and I did look upon it asmy duty to dothemboth,asIhadanopportunity.

Fost. He said, To have any such meetings was against the law; and,therefore,hewouldhavemeleaveoff,andsay,Iwouldcallthepeoplenomoretogether.

Bun.TowhomIsaid,thatIdurstnotmakeanyfurtherpromise;formyconsciencewouldnotsuffermetodoit.Andagain,IdidlookuponitasmydutytodoasmuchgoodasIcould,notonlyinmytrade,butalsoincommunicating to all people wheresoever I came the best knowledge IhadintheWord.

Fost. He toldmethat Iwas thenearest thePapistsofany,andthathewouldconvincemeofimmediately.

Bun.Iaskedhim,Wherein?

Fost.Hesaid,InthatweunderstoodtheScripturesliterally.

Bun. I told him that those that were to be understood literally, weunderstoodthemso;butforthosethatwastobeunderstoodotherwise,weendeavouredsotounderstandthem.

Fost.Hesaid,WhichoftheScripturesdoyouunderstandliterally?

Bun. I said this, He that believes shall be saved. This was to beunderstoodjustasitisspoken;thatwhosoeverbelievethinChristshall,accordingtotheplainandsimplewordsofthetext,besaved.

Fost.HesaidthatIwasignorant,anddidnotunderstandtheScriptures;for how, said he, can you understand them when you know not theoriginalGreek?etc.

Bun. To whom I said, that if that was his opinion, that none couldunderstand the Scriptures but those that had the original Greek, etc.,thenbutaveryfewofthepoorestsortshouldbesaved(thisisharsh);yetthe Scripture saith, That God hides these things from the wise andprudent (that is, from the learned of the world), and reveals them tobabesandsucklings.

Fost. Hesaid therewerenone thatheardmebutacompanyof foolishpeople.

Bun.Itoldhimthattherewasthewiseaswellasthefoolishthatdohearme; and again, those thatweremost commonly counted foolish by theworldarethewisestbeforeGod;also,thatGodhadrejectedthewise,andmighty,andnoble,andchosenthefoolish,andthebase.

Fost. HetoldmethatImadepeopleneglecttheircalling;andthatGodhadcommandedpeopletoworksixdays,andserveHimontheseventh.

Bun. I toldhimthat itwas thedutyofpeople, (bothrichandpoor), tolookoutfortheirsoulsonthemdaysaswellasfortheirbodies;andthatGodwouldhaveHispeopleexhortoneanotherdaily,whileitiscalledto-

day.

Fost.Hesaidagainthattherewerenonebutacompanyofpoor,simple,ignorantpeoplethatcometohearme.

Bun. I told him that the foolish and the ignorant had most need ofteachingandinformation;and,therefore,itwouldbeprofitableformetogooninthatwork.

Fost. Well, saidhe, toconclude,butwillyoupromise that youwillnotcallthepeopletogetheranymore?andthenyoumaybereleasedandgohome.

Bun.ItoldhimthatIdurstsaynomorethanIhadsaid;forIdurstnotleaveoffthatworkwhichGodhadcalledmeto.

Sohewithdrewfromme,andthencameseveralofthejustice’sservantstome, and toldme that I stood somuchupon anicety. Theirmaster,theysaid,waswillingtoletmego;andifIwouldbutsayIwouldcallthepeoplenomoretogether,Imighthavemyliberty,etc.

Bun. Itoldthemthereweremorewaysthanoneinwhichamanmightbesaidtocallthepeopletogether.Asforinstance,ifamangetuponthemarket-place,andtherereadabook,orthelike,thoughhedonotsaytothepeople,Sirs,comehitherandhear;yetiftheycometohimbecausehereads,he,byhisveryreading,maybesaidtocallthemtogether;becausetheywouldnothavebeentheretohearifhehadnotbeentheretoread.Andseeingthismightbetermedacallingthepeopletogether;Idurstnotsay,Iwouldnotcallthemtogether;forthen,bythesameargument,mypreachingmightbesaidtocallthemtogether.

Wing.andFost. ThencamethejusticeandMrFostertomeagain;(wehadalittlemorediscourseaboutpreaching,butbecausethemethodofitisoutofmymind,Ipassit);andwhentheysawthatIwasatapoint,andwouldnotbemovednorpersuaded,MrFoster,themanthatdidatfirstexpresssomuch lovetome, toldthe justice that thenhemustsendmeawaytoprison.Andthathewoulddowell,also,ifhewouldpresentallthosethatwerethecauseofmycomingamongthemtomeetings. Thus

weparted.

And,verily,asIwasgoingforthofthedoors,IhadmuchadotoforbearsayingtothemthatIcarriedthepeaceofGodalongwithme;butIheldmy peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went away to prison, with God’scomfortinmypoorsoul.

After I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethren soughtmeans,again,togetmeoutbybondsmen;(forsoranmymittimus,thatIshouldlietheretillIcouldfindsureties). TheywenttoajusticeatElstow,oneMrCrumpton,todesirehimtotakebondformyappearingatthequartersessions. At the firsthe told themhewould;butafterwardshemadeademuratthebusiness,anddesiredfirsttoseemymittimus,whichrantothispurpose:ThatIwentabouttoseveralconventiclesinthecounty,tothegreatdisparagementofthegovernmentofthechurchofEngland,etc.Whenhehadseenit,hesaidthattheremightbesomethingmoreagainstme than was expressed in mymittimus; and that he was but a youngman,thereforehedurstnotdoit.Thismyjailortoldme;and,whereatIwasnotatalldauntedbut ratherglad,andsawevidently that theLordhadheardme;forbeforeIwentdowntothejustice,IbeggedofGodthatif Imight domore good by being at liberty than in prison, that then Imight be set at liberty; but if not, His will be done; for I was notaltogether without hopes but that my imprisonment might be anawakening to the saints in the country, therefore I could not tell wellwhichto choose; only I, in thatmanner, did commit the thing toGod.Andverily,atmyreturn,IdidmeetmyGodsweetlyintheprisonagain,comfortingofmeandsatisfyingofmethatitwasHiswillandmindthatIshouldbethere.

WhenIcamebackagaintoprison,asIwasmusingattheslenderanswerof the justice, thisworddropt inuponmyheartwithsome life,ForHeknewthatforenvytheyhaddeliveredHim.

ThushaveI, inshort,declaredthemannerandoccasionofmybeing inprison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to do withme asHepleaseth; knowing that not one hair ofmy head can fall to the groundwithoutthewillofmyFather,whichisinheaven.Lettherageandmaliceofmenbeneversogreat,theycandonomore,norgoanyfurther,than

God permits them; but when they have done their worst,We know allthingsshallworktogetherforgoodtothemthatloveGod.

Farewell.

Here is the Sum of my Examination before Justice KEELIN, JusticeCHESTER,JusticeBLUNDALE,JusticeBEECHER,JusticeSNAGG,etc.

AFTERIhadlaininprisonabovesevenweeks,thequarter-sessionsweretobe kept in Bedford, for the county thereof, unto which I was to bebrought;andwhenmyjailorhadsetmebeforethosejustices,therewasabill of indictment preferred against me. The extent thereof was asfolloweth:ThatJohnBunyan,of the townofBedford, labourer,being apersonofsuchandsuchconditions,hehath(sincesuchatime)devilishlyandperniciouslyabstainedfromcomingtochurchtohearDivineservice,andisacommonupholderofseveralunlawfulmeetingsandconventicles,to the great disturbance and distraction of the good subjects of thiskingdom,contrarytothelawsofoursovereignlordtheKing,etc.

TheClerk. When thiswas read, theclerkof the sessionssaiduntome,Whatsayyoutothis?

Bun. Isaid,thatastothefirstpartofit,IwasacommonfrequenteroftheChurchofGod. Andwasalso,bygrace,amemberwith thepeople,overwhomChrististheHead.

Keelin.But,saithJusticeKeelin(whowasthejudgeinthatcourt),doyoucome to church (youknowwhat Imean); to theparish church, tohearDivineservice?

Bun.Ianswered,No,Ididnot.

Keel.Heaskedme,Why?

Bun.Isaid,BecauseIdidnotfinditcommandedintheWordofGod.

Keel.Hesaid,Wewerecommandedtopray.

Bun.Isaid,ButnotbytheCommonPrayer-Book.

Keel.Hesaid,Howthen?

Bun. I said,With theSpirit. As theapostle saith, Iwillpraywith theSpirit,andwiththeunderstanding.1Cor.xiv.15.

Keel. He said, We might pray with the Spirit, and with theunderstanding,andwiththeCommonPrayer-Bookalso.

Bun. Isaid, thattheprayers intheCommonPrayer-Bookweresuchaswasmadebyothermen,andnotbythemotionsoftheHolyGhost,withinourhearts;andas I said, theapostle saith,hewillpraywith theSpirit,andwiththeunderstanding;notwiththeSpiritandtheCommonPrayer-Book.

AnotherJustice. Whatdoyoucountprayer?Doyouthinkitistosayafewwordsoverbeforeoramongapeople?

Bun. I said,No,notso; formenmighthavemanyelegant,or excellentwords,andyetnotprayatall;butwhenamanprayeth,hedoth,throughasenseof those thingswhichhewants (which sense is begottenby theSpirit),pourouthisheartbeforeGodthroughChrist; thoughhiswordsbenotsomanyandsoexcellentasothersare.

Justices.Theysaid,Thatwastrue.

Bun.Isaid,ThismightbedonewithouttheCommonPrayer-Book.

Another. One of them said (I think itwas JusticeBlundale, orJusticeSnagg),Howshouldweknowthatyoudonotwriteoutyourprayersfirst,andthenreadthemafterwardstothepeople?Thishespakeinalaughingway.

Bun. I said, it isnotouruse, to takeapenandpaper,andwritea fewwordsthereon,andthengoandreaditovertoacompanyofpeople.

Buthowshouldweknowit,saidhe?

Bun.Sir,itisnoneofourcustom,saidI.

Keel.ButsaidJusticeKeelin,ItislawfultousetheCommonPrayer,andsuch like forms: for Christ taught His disciples to pray, as John alsotaughthisdisciples.Andfurther,saidhe,Cannotonemanteachanothertopray?Faithcomesbyhearing;andonemanmayconvinceanotherofsin,andthereforeprayersmadebymen,andreadover,aregoodtoteach,andhelpmentopray.

While he was speaking these words, God brought that word into mymind,intheeighthoftheRomans,atthe26thverse.Isay,Godbroughtit,forIthoughtnotonitbefore:butashewasspeaking,itcamesofreshintomymind,andwassetsoevidentlybeforeme,asifthescripturehadsaid,Takeme,takeme;sowhenhehaddonespeaking,

Bun. Isaid,Sir,thescripturesaith,thatitis thespirit thathelpethourinfirmities;forweknownotwhatweshouldprayforasweought:buttheSpirit itselfmaketh intercession forus,with sighsandgroaningswhichcannotbeuttered.Mark,saidI,itdothnotsaytheCommonPrayer-Bookteachethushowtopray,buttheSpirit. AnditistheSpirit thathelpethour infirmities, saith the apostle; he doth not say it is the CommonPrayer-Book.

And as to the Lord’s prayer, although it be an easy thing to say,OurFather,etc.,withthemouth;yetthereisveryfewthatcan,intheSpirit,say the two first words in that prayer; that is, that can call God theirFather,asknowingwhatitistobebornagain,andashavingexperience,thattheyarebegottenoftheSpiritofGod:whichiftheydonot,allisbutbabbling,etc.

Keel.JusticeKeelinsaidthatthatwasatruth.

Bun. And I say further, as to your saying that onemanmay convinceanotherof sin,and that faithcomesbyhearing,and thatonemanmaytell another howhe should pray, etc., I saymenmay tell each other oftheirsins,butitistheSpiritthatmustconvincethem.

Andthoughitbesaidthatfaithcomesbyhearing:yetitistheSpiritthatworkethfaithintheheartthroughhearing,orelsetheyarenotprofitedbyhearing.Heb.iv.12.

Andthatthoughonemanmaytellanotherhowheshouldpray:yet,asIsaidbefore,hecannotpray,normakehisconditionknowntoGod,excepttheSpirithelp.ItisnottheCommonPrayer-Bookthatcandothis.ItistheSpirit that showeth us our sins, and the Spirit that showeth us aSaviour,Jn.xvi.16,andtheSpiritthatstirrethupinourheartsdesirestocome toGod, for such thingsaswe stand inneedof,Matt. xi.27, evensighingoutour soulsuntoHim for themwithgroanswhich cannot beuttered.Withotherwordstothesamepurpose.Atthistheywereset.

Keel. But says Justice Keelin, What have you against the CommonPrayer-Book?

Bun.Isaid,Sir,ifyouwillhearme,Ishalllaydownmyreasonsagainstit.

Keel.HesaidIshouldhaveliberty;butfirst,saidhe,letmegiveyouonecaution;takeheedofspeakingirreverentlyoftheCommonPrayer-Book;forifyoudoso,youwillbringgreatdamageuponyourself.

Bun. SoIproceeded,andsaid,My first reasonwas,because itwasnotcommandedintheWordofGod,andthereforeIcouldnotuseit.

Another. One of them said, Where do you find it commanded in theScripture,thatyoushouldgotoElstow,orBedford,andyetitislawfultogotoeitherofthem,isitnot?

Bun. I said, To go to Elstow, or Bedford, was a civil thing, and notmaterial,thoughnotcommanded,andyetGod’sWordallowedmetogoaboutmycalling,andthereforeifitlaythere,thentogothither,etc.Buttopray,wasagreatpartof theDivineworshipofGod,and therefore itoughttobedoneaccordingtotheruleofGod’sWord.

Another.Oneofthemsaid,Hewilldoharm;lethimspeaknofurther.

Keel. Justice Keelin said, No, no, never fear him, we are better

established thanso;hecandonoharm;weknow theCommonPrayer-Bookhathbeeneversincetheapostles’time,anditislawfulforittobeusedinthechurch.

Bun. I said, Show me the place in the epistles, where the CommonPrayer-Book iswritten, or one text of Scripture, that commandsme toreadit,andIwilluseit.Butyet,notwithstanding,saidI,theythathaveamindtouseit,theyhavetheirliberty;thatis,Iwouldnotkeepthemfromit;butforourparts,wecanpraytoGodwithoutit.BlessedbeHisname!

With that,oneof themsaid,Who isyourGod? Beelzebub? Moreover,theyoftensaid,thatIwaspossessedwiththespiritofdelusion,andofthedevil. All which sayings I passed over; the Lord forgive them! Andfurther, I said, Blessed be the Lord for it; we are encouraged to meettogether, and to pray, and exhort one another; for, we have had thecomfortable presence of God among us. For ever blessed beHis holyname!

Keel.JusticeKeelincalledthispedler’sFrench,saying,thatImustleaveoffmycanting.TheLordopenhiseyes!

Bun.Isaidthatweoughttoexhortoneanotherdaily,whileitiscalledto-day,etc.

Keel.JusticeKeelinsaidthatIoughtnottopreach;andaskedmewhereIhadmyauthority?withothersuchlikewords.

Bun.IsaidthatIwouldprovethatitwaslawfulforme,andsuchasIam,topreachtheWordofGod.

Keel.Hesaiduntome,BywhatScripture?

Bun.Isaid,BythatinthefirstepistleofPeter,chap.iv.10,11,andActsxviii.,withotherScriptures,whichhewouldnot sufferme tomention.Butsaid,Hold;notsomany,whichisthefirst?

Bun. I said this:As everymanhath received the gift, even so let himministerthesameuntoanother,asgoodstewardsofthemanifoldgraceofGod.Ifanymanspeak,lethimspeakastheoraclesofGod,etc.

Keel. Hesaid,Letmea littleopenthatScripturetoyou:Aseverymanhathreceivedthegift;thatis,saidhe,aseveryonehathreceivedatrade,solethimfollowit.Ifanymanhavereceivedagiftoftinkering,asthouhastdone, lethimfollowhis tinkering. Andsoothermentheirtrades.Andthedivinehiscalling,etc.

Bun.Nay,sir,saidI,butitismostclear,thattheapostlespeakshereofpreachingtheWord;ifyoudobutcompareboththeversestogether,thenextverseexplainsthisgiftwhatitis,saying,ifanymanspeak, lethimspeakastheoraclesofGod.Sothatitisplain,thattheHolyGhostdothnotsomuch in thisplaceexhort tocivil callings,as to theexercisingofthosegiftsthatwehavereceivedfromGod.Iwouldhavegoneon,buthewouldnotgivemeleave.

Keel.Hesaid,Wemightdoitinourfamilies,butnototherways.

Bun.Isaid,Ifitwaslawfultodogoodtosome,itwaslawfultodogoodtomore.Ifitwasagooddutytoexhortourfamilies,itwasgoodtoexhortothers;butiftheyhelditasintomeettogethertoseekthefaceofGod,and exhort one another to follow Christ, I should sin still; for so weshoulddo.

Keel. He said hewas not sowell versed in Scripture as to dispute, orwordstothatpurpose.Andsaid,moreover,thattheycouldnotwaituponmeanylonger;butsaidtome,Thenyouconfesstheindictment,doyounot?Now,andnottillnow,IsawIwasindicted.

Bun.Isaid,ThisIconfess,wehavehadmanymeetingstogether,bothtopray to God, and to exhort one another, and that we had the sweetcomforting presence of the Lord among us for our encouragement;blessedbeHisnametherefore.Iconfessedmyselfguiltynootherwise.

Keel.Then,saidhe,bearyourjudgment.Youmustbehadbackagaintoprison, and there lie for threemonths following; and at threemonths’end,ifyoudonotsubmittogotochurchtohearDivineservice,andleaveyourpreaching,youmustbebanishedtherealm:andif,aftersuchadayas shall be appointed you to be gone, you shall be found in this realm,

etc.,orbefoundtocomeoveragainwithoutspeciallicencefromtheking,etc.,youmuststretchbytheneckforit,Itellyouplainly:andsohebidmyjailorhavemeaway.

Bun.Itoldhim,astothismatter,Iwasatapointwithhim;forifIwereoutofprisonto-day,IwouldpreachtheGospelagainto-morrow,bythehelpofGod.

Another.Towhichonemademesomeanswer:butmyjailorpullingmeawaytobegone,Icouldnottellwhathesaid.

Thus Ideparted from them;and I can truly say, I bless theLordJesusChrist for it, that my heart was sweetly refreshed in the time of myexamination,andalsoafterwards,atmyreturningtotheprison.SothatIfoundChrist’swordsmore thanbare trifles,whereHe saith, Iwillgiveyouamouthandwisdom,whichallyouradversariesshallnotbeabletogainsay,norresist. Lukexxi.15. AndthatHispeacenomancantakefromus.

ThushaveIgivenyouthesubstanceofmyexamination.TheLordmakethisprofitabletoallthatshallreadorhearit.Farewell.

TheSubstanceofsomeDiscoursehadbetweentheClerkofthePeaceandmyself;whenhe came to admonishme,according to the tenor of thatLaw,bywhichIwasinprison.

WHENIhadlaininprisonothertwelveweeks,andnownotknowingwhattheyintendedtodowithme,uponthethirdofApril1661,comesMrCobbuntome(ashetoldme),beingsentbythejusticestoadmonishme;anddemandofmesubmittancetothechurchofEngland,etc.Theextentofourdiscoursewasasfolloweth.

Cobb. When he was come into the house he sent for me out of mychamber;who,whenIwascomeuntohim,hesaid,NeighbourBunyan,howdoyoudo?

Bun.Ithankyou,Sir,saidI,verywell,blessedbetheLord.

Cobb. Saithhe, I come to tell you, that it is desired youwould submityourselftothelawsoftheland,orelseatthenextsessionsitwillgoworsewithyou,eventobesentawayoutofthenation,orelseworsethanthat.

Bun. I said that I did desire to demean myself in the world, both asbecomethamanandaChristian.

Cobb. But,saithhe,youmustsubmittothelawsof the land,andleaveoff those meetings which you was wont to have; for the statute-law isdirectlyagainstit;andIamsenttoyoubythejusticestotellyouthattheydointendtoprosecutethelawagainstyouifyousubmitnot.

Bun. Isaid,Sir,IconceivethatthatlawbywhichIaminprisonatthistime,dothnotreachorcondemneitherme,orthemeetingswhichIdofrequent;thatlawwasmadeagainstthose,thatbeingdesignedtodoevilintheirmeetings,makingtheexerciseofreligiontheirpretence,tocovertheirwickedness. It doth not forbid the privatemeetings of those thatplainly and simplymake it their only end to worship the Lord, and toexhort one another to edification. My end in meeting with others issimply to do as much good as I can, by exhortation and counsel,according to thatsmallmeasureof lightwhichGodhathgivenme,andnottodisturbthepeaceofthenation.

Cobb.Everyonewillsaythesame,saidhe;youseethelateinsurrectionat London, under what glorious pretences they went; and yet, indeed,theyintendednolessthantheruinofthekingdomandcommonwealth.

Bun. Thatpracticeof theirs, Iabhor,saidI;yet itdothnot followthat,becausetheydidso,thereforeallotherswilldoso.Ilookuponitasmyduty tobehavemyselfunder theKing’sgovernment,bothasbecomesaman and a Christian, and if an occasion were offered me, I shouldwillinglymanifestmyloyaltytomyPrince,bothbywordanddeed.

Cobb.Well,saidhe,Idonotprofessmyselftobeamanthatcandispute;but this I say, truly,neighbourBunyan, Iwouldhaveyouconsider thismatter seriously, and submit yourself; you may have your liberty to

exhortyourneighbourinprivatediscourse,sobeyoudonotcalltogetheranassemblyofpeople;and,truly,youmaydomuchgoodtothechurchofChrist, if youwouldgo thisway; and this youmaydo, and the lawnotabridgeyouofit.Itisyourprivatemeetingsthatthelawisagainst.

Bun.Sir,saidI,ifImaydogoodtoonebymydiscourse?whymayInotdogoodtotwo?Andiftotwo,whynottofour,andsotoeight?etc.

Cobb.Ay,saithhe,andtoahundred,Iwarrantyou.

Bun.Yes,Sir,saidI,IthinkIshouldnotbeforbidtodoasmuchgoodasIcan.

Cobb. But, saith he, you may but pretend to do good, and instead,notwithstanding, do harm, by seducing the people; you are, therefore,deniedyourmeetingsomanytogether,lestyoushoulddoharm.

Bun. Andyet,saidI,yousaythelawtoleratesmetodiscoursewithmyneighbour;surelythereisnolawtoleratesmeseduceanyone;thereforeifImaybythelawdiscoursewithone,surelyitistodohimgood;andifIby discoursingmay do good to one, surely, by the same law, Imay dogoodtomany.

Cobb. The law, saith he, doth expressly forbid your private meetings;thereforetheyarenottobetolerated.

Bun. ItoldhimthatIwouldnotentertainsomuchuncharitablenessofthat Parliament in the 35th ofElizabeth, or of theQueenherself, as tothink they did, by that law, intend the oppressing of any of God’sordinances,or the interruptingany inwayofGod;butmenmay, inthewrestingof it, turn it against thewayofGod;but take the law in itself,anditonlyfightethagainstthosethatdriveatmischiefintheirheartsandmeeting,makingreligiononlytheircloak,colour,orpretence;forsoarethewords of the statute: If anymeetings,under colour or pretence ofreligion,etc.

Cobb.Verygood;thereforetheking,seeingthatpretencesareusuallyinandamongpeople,soastomakereligiontheirpretenceonly; therefore

he, and the law before him, doth forbid such private meetings, andtoleratesonlypublic;youmaymeetinpublic.

Bun. Sir,saidI, letmeansweryouinasimilitude:Setthecasethat,atsuchawoodcorner,theredidusuallycomeforththieves,todomischief;musttherethereforealawbemade,thateveryonethatcomethoutthereshallbekilled?Maynottherecomeouttruemenaswellasthievesoutfromthence? Justthus is it inthiscase;Idothinktheremaybemanythatmay design the destruction of the commonwealth; but it doth notfollow therefore that all private meetings are unlawful; those thattransgress,letthembepunished. AndifatanytimeImyselfshoulddoanyactinmyconversationasdothnotbecomeamanandChristian,letmebearthepunishment.AndasforyoursayingImaymeetinpublic,ifImaybesuffered,Iwouldgladlydoit.Letmehavebutmeetingenoughinpublic,andIshallcarethelesstohavetheminprivate.IdonotmeetinprivatebecauseIamafraidtohavemeetingsinpublic. IblesstheLordthatmyheart is at that point, that if anyman can lay any thing tomycharge, either in doctrine or in practice, in this particular, that can beprovederrororheresy,Iamwillingtodisownit,evenintheverymarket-place;butifitbetruth,thentostandtoittothelastdropofmyblood.And,Sir,saidI,yououghttocommendmeforsodoing.Toerrandtobea heretic are two things; I am no heretic, because I will not standrefractorilytodefendanyonethingthatiscontrarytotheWord. ProveanythingwhichIholdtobeanerror,andIwillrecantit.

Cobb. But,goodmanBunyan,saidhe,methinksyouneednot standsostrictly upon this one thing, as to have meetings of such publicassemblies.Cannotyousubmit,and,notwithstanding,doasmuchgoodasyoucan,inaneighbourlyway,withouthavingsuchmeetings?

Bun. Truly,Sir,saidI,Idonotdesiretocommendmyself,buttothinkmeanlyofmyself;yetwhenIdomostdespisemyself,takingnoticeofthatsmallmeasureoflightwhichGodhathgivenme,alsothatthepeopleoftheLord(bytheirownsaying),areedifiedthereby. Besides,whenIseethattheLord,throughgrace,hathinsomemeasureblessedmylabour,Idarenotbutexercise thatgiftwhichGodhathgivenmeforthegoodofthepeople.AndIsaidfurther,thatIwouldwillinglyspeakinpublicifImight.

Cobb. He said, that Imight come to the public assemblies and hear.Whatthoughyoudonotpreach?youmayhear.Donotthinkyourselfsowell enlightened, and that youhave received a gift so far above others,butthatyoumayhearothermenpreach.Ortothatpurpose.

Bun.Itoldhim,Iwasaswillingtobetaughtastogiveinstruction,andIlookeduponitasmydutytodoboth;for,saidI,amanthatisateacher,he himself may learn also from another that teacheth, as the apostlesaith,Wemayallprophesyonebyone,thatallmay learn. 1Cor.xiv.31. That is, every man that hath received a gift from God, he maydispense it, that othersmay be comforted; andwhen he hath done, hemayhearandlearn,andbecomfortedhimselfofothers.

Cobb.But,saidhe,whatifyoushouldforbearawhile,andsitstill,tillyouseefurtherhowthingswillgo?

Bun.Sir,saidI,Wickliffesaith,thathewhichleavethoffpreachingandhearing of theWord ofGod for fear of excommunication ofmen, he isalready excommunicated of God, and shall in the day of judgment becountedatraitortoChrist.

Cobb.Ay,saithhe,theythatdonothearshallbesocountedindeed;doyou,therefore,hear?

Bun. But,Sir,saidI,hesaith,hethatshallleaveoffeitherpreachingorhearing,etc.Thatis,ifhehathreceivedagiftforedification,itishissin,ifhedothnotlayitoutinawayofexhortationandcounsel,accordingtothe proportion of his gift; as well as to spend his time altogether inhearingotherspreach.

Cobb.But,saidhe,howshallweknowthatyouhavereceivedagift?

Bun.SaidI,Letanymanhearandsearch,andprovethedoctrinebytheBible.

Cobb.Butwillyoubewilling,saidhe,thattwoindifferentpersonsshalldeterminethecase;andwillyoustandbytheirjudgment?

Bun.Isaid,Aretheyinfallible?

Cobb.Hesaid,No.

Bun. Then,saidI,itispossiblemyjudgmentmaybeasgoodastheirs.But yet I will pass by either, and in this matter be judged by theScriptures;Iamsurethatisinfallible,andcannoterr.

Cobb. But, said he, who shall be judge between you, for you take theScripturesoneway,andtheyanother?

Bun. I said theScripture should: and thatby comparingoneScripturewithanother; for thatwill open itself, if it be rightly compared. As forinstance,ifunderthedifferentapprehensionsofthewordMediator,youwouldknowthetruthofit,theScripturesopenit,andtellusthathethatisamediatormusttakeupthebusinessbetweentwo,andamediator isnot a mediator of one,—but God is one, and there is one MediatorbetweenGodandmen,eventhemanChristJesus.Gal.iii.20;1Tim.ii.5.SolikewisetheScripturecallethChristacomplete,orperfect,orablehighpriest.ThatisopenedinthatHeiscalledman,andalsoGod.Hisbloodalsoisdiscoveredtobeeffectuallyefficaciousbythesamethings.So theScripture, as touching thematter ofmeeting together, etc., dothlikewisesufficientlyopenitselfanddiscoveritsmeaning.

Cobb. But are you willing, said he, to stand to the judgment of thechurch?

Bun. Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of the church of God; (thechurch’s judgment isbest expressed inScripture). Wehadmuchotherdiscoursewhich I cannotwell remember, about the laws of the nation,andsubmissiontogovernments; towhichIdid tellhim, that Idid lookuponmyself as bound in conscience to walk according to all righteouslaws,andthat,whethertherewasakingorno;andifIdidanythingthatwas contrary, I didhold itmyduty to bearpatiently thepenaltyof thelaw,thatwasprovidedagainstsuchoffenders;withmanymorewordstothe like effect. And said, moreover, that to cut off all occasions ofsuspicion from any, as touching the harmlessness of my doctrine inprivate,Iwouldwillinglytakethepainstogiveanyonethenotesofallmy

sermons; for I do sincerely desire to live quietly inmy country, and tosubmittothepresentauthority.

Cobb. Well, neighbourBunyan, said he, but indeed I would wish youseriously to consider of these things, between this and the quarter-sessions,andtosubmityourself.Youmaydomuchgoodifyoucontinuestillintheland;butalas,whatbenefitwillitbetoyourfriends,orwhatgoodcanyoudotothem,ifyoushouldbesentawaybeyondtheseasintoSpain,orConstantinople,orsomeotherremotepartoftheworld?Prayberuled.

Jailor.Indeed,Sir,Ihopehewillberuled.

Bun. Ishalldesire,saidI,inallhonestytobehavemyselfinthenation,whilstIaminit.AndifImustbesodealtwithal,asyousay,IhopeGodwillhelpmetobearwhattheyshall layuponme. Iknownoevil thatIhavedoneinthismatter,tobesoused.IspeakasinthepresenceofGod.

Cobb. Youknow,saithhe, that theScripturesaith,thepowers thatbe,areordainedofGod.

Bun. I said,Yes,andthatIwas tosubmit to theKingassupreme,andalsotothegovernors,astothemwhoaresentbyHim.

Cobb.Wellthen,saidhe,theKingthencommandsyou,thatyoushouldnot have any privatemeetings; because it is against his law, and he isordainedofGod,thereforeyoushouldnothaveany.

Bun.ItoldhimthatPauldidownthepowersthatwereinhisday,tobeofGod;andyethewasofteninprisonunderthemforallthat.Andalso,thoughJesusChristtoldPilate,thatHehadnopoweragainsthim,butofGod,yetHediedunderthesamePilate;andyet,saidI,IhopeyouwillnotsaythateitherPaul,orChrist,weresuchasdiddenymagistracy,andsosinnedagainstGodinslightingtheordinance.Sir,saidI,thelawhathprovided two ways of obeying: the one to do that which I, in myconscience,dobelievethatIamboundtodo,actively;andwhereIcannotobeyactively,thereIamwillingtoliedown,andtosufferwhattheyshalldountome. At thishe sat still, andsaidnomore;whichwhenhehad

done,Ididthankhimforhiscivilandmeekdiscoursingwithme;andsoweparted.

O!thatwemightmeetinheaven!

Farewell.J.B.

Here followeth a discourse between my Wife and the Judges, withothers, touchingmy Deliverance at the Assizes following; the which ItookfromherownMouth.

AFTER that I had received this sentence of banishing, or hanging, fromthem,andaftertheformeradmonition,touchingthedeterminationofthejustices if I did not recant; just when the time drew nigh, in which Ishouldhaveabjured,orhavedoneworse(asMrCobbtoldme),camethetime in which the King was to be crowned. Now, at the coronation ofkings,thereisusuallyareleasementofdiversprisoners,byvirtueofhiscoronation;inwhichprivilegealsoIshouldhavehadmyshare;butthatthey tookme fora convictedperson, and therefore,unless I suedoutapardon (as they called it), I could have no benefit thereby,notwithstanding,yet,forasmuchasthecoronationproclamationdidgiveliberty,fromthedaytheKingwascrowned,tothatdaytwelvemonth,tosuethemout; therefore, thoughtheywouldnot letmeoutofprison,asthey letout thousands, yet they couldnotmeddlewithme,as touchingthe execution of their sentence; because of the liberty offered for thesuing out of pardons. Whereupon I continued in prison till the nextassizes,whicharecalledMidsummerassizes,beingthenkeptinAugust,1661.

Now, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possible meansunattemptedthatmightbelawful,Idid,bymywife,presentapetitiontothe judges three times, that I might be heard, and that they wouldimpartiallytakemycaseintoconsideration.

The first timemywifewent, she presented it to JudgeHale, who very

mildlyreceiveditatherhand,tellingherthathewoulddoherandmethebestgoodhecould;buthe feared,hesaid,hecoulddonone. Thenextday,again,lesttheyshould,throughthemultitudeofbusiness,forgetme,we did throw another petition into the coach to Judge Twisdon; who,when he had seen it, snapt her up, and angrily told her that I was aconvictedperson, andcouldnotbe released,unless Iwouldpromise topreachnomore,etc.

Well,afterthis,sheyetagainpresentedanothertojudgeHale,ashesatonthebench,who,asitseemed,waswillingtogiveheraudience. OnlyJusticeChesterbeingpresent,steptupandsaid, thatIwasconvictedinthecourt,andthatIwasahot-spiritedfellow(orwordstothatpurpose),whereat hewaived it, and did notmeddle therewith. But yet,my wifebeing encouraged by the high-sheriff, did venture oncemore into theirpresence(asthepoorwidowdidbeforetheunjustjudge)totrywhatshecoulddowith them formy liberty,before theywent forth of the town.Theplacewhereshewenttothem,wastotheSwan-chamber,wherethetwojudges,andmanyjusticesandgentryofthecountry,wasincompanytogether. She thencoming into the chamberwithabashed face, andatremblingheart,beganhererrandtotheminthismanner:—

Woman.Mylord(directingherselftojudgeHale),ImakeboldtocomeonceagaintoyourLordship,toknowwhatmaybedonewithmy

husband.

JudgeHale.Towhomhesaid,Woman,ItoldtheebeforeIcoulddotheenogood;becausetheyhavetakenthatforaconvictionwhichthyhusbandspokeatthesessions:andunlesstherebesomethingdonetoundothat,Icandotheenogood.

Woman.Mylord,saidshe,heiskeptunlawfullyinprison;theyclappedhim up before there was any proclamation against the meetings; theindictmentalso is false. Besides, theyneveraskedhimwhetherhewasguiltyorno;neitherdidheconfesstheindictment.

Oneof the Justices. Then one of the justices that stood by,whom sheknewnot,said,MyLord,hewaslawfullyconvicted.

Wom.Itisfalse,saidshe;forwhentheysaidtohim,Doyouconfesstheindictment?hesaidonlythis,thathehadbeenatseveralmeetings,bothwhere there were preaching the Word, and prayer, and that they hadGod’spresenceamongthem.

JudgeTwisdon.WhereatJudgeTwisdonansweredveryangrily,saying,What,youthinkwecandowhatwelist;yourhusbandisabreakerofthepeace,andisconvictedbythelaw,etc.WhereuponJudgeHalecalledfortheStatuteBook.

Wom.But,saidshe,mylord,hewasnotlawfullyconvicted.

Chester.ThenJusticeChestersaid,Mylord,hewaslawfullyconvicted.

Wom. Itisfalse,saidshe;itwasbutawordofdiscoursethattheytookforaconviction(asyouheardbefore).

Chest.Butitisrecorded,woman;itisrecorded,saidJusticeChester;asifitmustbeofnecessitytrue,becauseitwasrecorded.Withwhichwordshe often endeavoured to stop hermouth, having no other argument toconvinceher,butitisrecorded,itisrecorded.

Wom.MyLord,saidshe,IwasawhilesinceatLondon,toseeifIcouldgetmyhusband’sliberty;andthereIspokewithmylordBarkwood,oneoftheHouseofLords,towhomIdeliveredapetition,whotookitofmeand presented it to some of the rest of the House of Lords, for myhusband’sreleasement;who,whentheyhadseenit, theysaid, thattheycouldnotreleasehim,buthadcommittedhisreleasementtothejudges,atthenextassizes.Thishetoldme;andnowIamcometoyoutoseeifanythingmaybedoneinthisbusiness,andyougiveneitherreleasementnorrelief.Towhichtheygavehernoanswer,butmadeasiftheyheardhernot.

Chest.OnlyJusticeChesterwasoftenupwiththis,—Heisconvicted,anditisrecorded.

Wom.Ifitbe,itisfalse,saidshe.

Chest.Mylord,saidJusticeChester,heisapestilentfellow,thereisnot

suchafellowinthecountryagain.

Twis. What,will yourhusband leavepreaching? Ifhewilldo so, thensendforhim.

Wom. Mylord,saidshe,hedaresnotleavepreachingaslongashecanspeak.

Twis.Seehere,whatshouldwetalkanymoreaboutsuchafellow?Musthedowhathelists?Heisabreakerofthepeace.

Wom.Shetoldhimagain,thathedesiredtolivepeaceably,andtofollowhiscalling,thathisfamilymightbemaintained;andmoreover,said,MyLord, I have four small children, that cannot help themselves, one ofwhich is blind, and have nothing to live upon, but the charity of goodpeople.

Hale. Hast thou four children? said JudgeHale; thou art but a youngwomantohavefourchildren.

Wom. My lord, said she, I am butmother-in-law to them, having notbeenmarriedtohimyetfulltwoyears.Indeed,Iwaswithchildwhenmyhusbandwas firstapprehended;butbeingyoung,andunaccustomed tosuchthings,saidshe,Ibeingsmayedatthenews,fellintolabour,andsocontinuedforeightdays,andthenwasdelivered,butmychilddied.

Hale. Whereat, he looking very soberly on thematter, said,Alas, poorwoman!

Twis.ButJudgeTwisdontoldher,thatshemadepovertyhercloak;andsaid,moreover, thatheunderstood Iwasmaintainedbetterby runningupanddownapreaching,thanbyfollowingmycalling.

Hale.Whatishiscalling?saidJudgeHale.

Answer. Then some of the company that stood by, said, A tinker,mylord.

Wom. Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker, and a poor man,

thereforeheisdespised,andcannothavejustice.

Hale.ThenJudgeHaleansweredverymildly,saying,Itellthee,woman,seeing it is so, that they have taken what thy husband spake for aconviction; thou must either apply thyself to the King, or sue out hispardon,orgetawritoferror.

Chest. Butwhen JusticeChester heard him give her this counsel; andespecially (as she supposed) because he spoke of a writ of error, hechafed, and seemed tobe verymuch offended; saying,My lord, hewillpreachanddowhathelists.

Wom.HepreachethnothingbuttheWordofGod,saidshe.

Twis.HepreachtheWordofGod!saidTwisdon;andwithal,shethoughthewouldhavestruckher;herunnethupanddown,anddothharm.

Wom.No,mylord,saidshe,itisnotso;Godhathownedhim,anddonemuchgoodbyhim.

Twis.God!saidhe,hisdoctrineisthedoctrineofthedevil.

Wom.Mylord,saidshe,whentherighteousJudgeshallappear,itwillbeknownthathisdoctrineisnotthedoctrineofthedevil.

Twis. My lord, said he, to JudgeHale, do notmind her, but send heraway.

Hale. ThensaidJudgeHale, Iamsorry,woman, that Icando theenogood;thoumustdooneofthosethreethingsaforesaid,namely,eithertoapplythyselftotheKing,orsueouthispardon,orgetawritoferror;butawritoferrorwillbecheapest.

Wom. AtwhichChesteragain seemed tobe ina chafe, andputoffhishat, and as she thought, scratchedhishead for anger: butwhen I saw,said she, that there was no prevailing to have my husband sent for,thoughIoftendesiredthemthattheywouldsendforhim,thathemightspeakforhimself;tellingthem,thathecouldgivethembettersatisfactionthan I could, inwhat theydemandedofhim,with severalother things,

whichnow I forget;only this I remember, that though Iwas somewhattimorousatmyfirstentrance intothechamber,yetbeforeIwentout, Icouldnotbutbreak forth into tears,not somuchbecause theywere sohard-hearted against me, and my husband, but to think what a sadaccountsuchpoorcreatureswillhavetogiveatthecomingoftheLord,whentheyshallthereanswerforallthingswhatsoevertheyhavedoneinthebody,whetheritbegood,orwhetheritbebad.

So, when I departed from them, the book of statuteswas brought, butwhat they said of it I knownothing at all, neither did I hear anymorefromthem.

SomeCarriagesof theAdversariesofGod’sTruthwithmeat thenextAssizes,whichwasonthe19thofthefirstmonth,1662.

ISHALLpassbywhatbefellbetweenthesetwoassizes,howIhad,bymyjailor,somelibertygrantedme,morethanatthefirst,andhowIfollowedmywonted courseof preaching, taking all occasions thatwere put intomyhandtovisitthepeopleofGod;exhortingthemtobesteadfastinthefaithofJesusChrist,andtotakeheedthattheytouchednottheCommonPrayer, etc., but to mind the Word of God, which giveth direction toChristiansineverypoint,beingabletomakethemanofGodperfectinallthingsthroughfaithinJesusChrist,andthoroughlytofurnishhimuntoallgoodworks.2Tim.iii.17.AlsohowIhaving,Isay,somewhatmoreliberty,didgotoseetheChristiansatLondon;whichmyenemieshearingof,were so angry, that they had almost castmy jailor out of his place,threateningtoindicthim,andtodowhattheycouldagainsthim.Theychargedmealso,thatIwentthithertoplotandraisedivision,andmakeinsurrection, which, God knows, was a slander; whereupon my libertywasmorestraitenedthanitwasbefore;sothatImustnotnowlookoutofthedoor.Well,whenthenextsessionscame,whichwasaboutthe10thofthe 11th month (1661), I did expect to have been very roundly dealtwithal;buttheypassedmeby,andwouldnotcallme,sothatIrestedtilltheassizes,whichwasheldthe19thofthefirstmonth(1662)following;andwhentheycame,becauseIhadadesiretocomebeforethejudge,I

desiredmyjailortoputmynameintothecalendaramongthefelons,andmade friendsof the judgeandhigh-sheriff,whopromised that I shouldbecalled:sothatIthoughtwhatIhaddonemighthavebeeneffectualfortheobtainingofmydesire:butallwasinvain;forwhentheassizescame,thoughmynamewasinthecalendar,andalsothoughboththejudgeandsheriff hadpromised that I should appear before them, yet the justicesandtheclerkofthepeace,didsoworkitabout,thatI,notwithstanding,wasdeferred,andwasnotsufferedtoappear:andalthoughIsay,Idonotknowofalltheircarriagestowardsme,yetthisIknow,thattheclerkofthe peace (Mr Cobb) did discover himself to be one of my greatestopposers:for,firsthecametomyjailorandtoldhimthatImustnotgodownbeforethejudge,andthereforemustnotbeputintothecalendar;towhommyjailorsaid,thatmynamewasinalready.Hebidhimputitoutagain;myjailortoldhimthathecouldnot:forhehadgiventhejudgeacalendarwithmynameinit,andalsothesheriffanother.Atwhichhewasverymuchdispleased,anddesiredtoseethatcalendarthatwasyetinmyjailor’shand,who,whenhehadgivenithim,helookedonit,andsaiditwasafalsecalendar;healsotookthecalendarandblottedoutmyaccusation, as my jailor had written it (which accusation I cannot tellwhatitwas,becauseitwassoblottedout),andhehimselfputinwordstothispurpose:ThatJohnBunyanwascommittedtoprison;beinglawfullyconvictedforupholdingofunlawfulmeetingsandconventicles,etc. Butyetforallthis,fearingthatwhathehaddone,unlessheaddedthereto,itwouldnotdo,hefirstrantotheclerkoftheassizes;thentothejustices,andafterwards, becausehewouldnot leave anymeansunattempted tohinderme,hecameagaintomyjailor,andtoldhim,thatifIdidgodownbefore the judge, and was released, he would make him pay my fees,which he said was due to him; and further, told him, that he wouldcomplain of him at the next quarter sessions for making of falsecalendars, thoughmy jailorhimself,as Iafterwards learned,hadput inmyaccusationworsethaninitselfitwasbyfar.AndthuswasIhinderedandpreventedatthattimealsofromappearingbeforethejudge:andleftinprison.

Farewell.

JOHNBUNYAN.

AContinuationofMrBUNYAN’SLIFE;beginningwhereheleftoff,andconcludingwiththeTimeandMannerofhisDeathandBurial:togetherwithhistrueCharacter,

etc.

READER,thepainfulandindustriousauthorofthisbook,hasalreadygivenyoua faithful andverymoving relationof thebeginning andmiddle ofthe days of his pilgrimage on earth; and since there yet remainssomewhatworthyofnoticeandregard,whichoccurredinthelastsceneof his life, the which, for want of time, or fear, some over-censoriouspeopleshouldimputeittohimasanearnestcovetingofpraisefrommen,hehasnot leftbehindhim inwriting. Wherefore,asa true friend,andlongacquaintanceofMrBunyan’s thathis goodendmaybeknown,aswellashisevilbeginning,Ihavetakenuponme,frommyknowledge,andthebestaccountgivenbyotherofhisfriends,topiecethistothethreadtoosoonbrokeoff,andsolengthenitouttohisenteringuponeternity.

Hehas toldyouat large,ofhisbirthandeducation; theevilhabits andcorruptionsofhisyouth;thetemptationshestruggledandconflictedsofrequentlywith, themercies, comforts, anddeliverances he found, howhe came to take upon him the preaching of the Gospel; the slanders,reproaches and imprisonments that attended him, and the progress henotwithstandingmade(bytheassistanceofGod’sgrace)nodoubttothesaving of many souls: therefore take these things, as he himself hathmethodically laidthemdowninthewordsofverity;andsoIpassontowhatremains.

Afterhisbeingfreedfromhistwelveyears’ imprisonmentandupwards,fornonconformity,whereinhehadtimetofurnishtheworldwithsundrygood books, etc., and by his patience, to move Dr Barlow, the thenBishop of Lincoln, and other church-men, to pity his hard andunreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very much his friends, inprocuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he had died, by thenoisomenessandillusageoftheplace.Beingnow,Isay,againatliberty,

andhavingthroughmercyshakenoffhisbodilyfetters,—forthoseuponhissoulwerebrokenbeforebytheaboundinggracethatfilledhisheart,—hewenttovisit thosethathadbeenacomforttohiminhistribulation,withaChristian-likeacknowledgmentoftheirkindnessandenlargementof charity; giving encouragement by his example, if it happened to betheirhardhapstofallintoafflictionortrouble,thentosufferpatientlyforthe sake of a good conscience, and for the love of God in Jesus Christtowards their souls, and bymany cordial persuasions, supported somewhose spirits began to sink low, through the fear of danger thatthreatened their worldly concernment, so that the people found awonderfulconsolationinhisdiscourseandadmonitions.

Asoftenasopportunitywouldadmit,hegatheredthemtogether(thoughthelawwastheninforceagainstmeetings)inconvenientplaces,andfedthemwiththesinceremilkoftheWord,thattheymightgrowupingracethereby. To such as were anywhere taken and imprisoned upon theseaccounts,hemade it anotherpartofhisbusiness to extendhis charity,andgatherreliefforsuchofthemaswanted.

He took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen them against thesuggestions of the tempter, which at such times are very prevalent; sothattheyhadcauseforevertoblessGod,Whohadputitintohisheart,atsuch a time, to rescue them from the power of the roaring lion, whosought to devour them;nor did he spare any pains or labour in travel,thoughtoremotecounties,wherehekneworimaginedanypeoplemightstandinneedofhisassistance;insomuchthatsome,bythesevisitationsthat he made, which was two or three every year (some, though in ajeeringmannernodoubt,gavehimtheepithetofBishopBunyan)whilstothersenviedhimforhissoearnestlylabouringinChrist’svineyard;yetthe seed of the Word he (all this while) sowed in the hearts of hiscongregation,wateredwiththegraceofGod,broughtforthinabundance,inbringingindisciplestothechurchofChrist.

Anotherpartofhistimeisspentinreconcilingdifferences,bywhichhehinderedmanymischiefs,andsavedsomefamiliesfromruin,andinsuchfallings-out he was uneasy, till he found a means to labour areconciliation, and become a peace-maker, on whom a blessing ispromised inholywrit; and indeed indoing this goodoffice, hemaybe

said tosumuphisdays, itbeing the lastundertakingofhis life,aswillappearinthecloseofthispaper.

Wheninthelatereign,libertyofconsciencewasunexpectedlygivenandindulgedtodissentersofallpersuasions,hispiercingwitpenetratedtheveil, and found that it was not for the dissenters’ sakes they were sosuddenlyfreedfromthehardprosecutionsthathadlonglainheavyuponthem,andsetinamanner,onanequalfootwiththeChurchofEngland,whichthepapistswereundermining,andabouttosubvert:heforesawalltheadvantages thatcouldhaveredoundedto thedissenterswouldhavebeen no more than what Polyphemus, the monstrous giant of Sicily,wouldhaveallowedUlysses,viz.:Thathewouldeathismenfirst,anddohimthefavourofbeingeatenlast:foralthoughMrBunyan,followingtheexamplesofothers,didlayholdofthisliberty,asanacceptablethinginitself,knowingGodistheonlyLordofconscience,andthatitisgoodatalltimestodoaccordingtothedictatesofagoodconscience,andthatthepreachingthegladtidingsoftheGospelisbeautiful inthepreacher;yetinallthishemovedwithcautionandaholyfear,earnestlyprayingfortheaverting impending judgments, which he saw, like a black tempest,hangingoverourheadsforoursins,andreadytobreakinuponus,andthat the Ninevites’ remedy was now highly necessary: hereupon hegathered his congregation atBedford, where he mostly lived, and hadlivedandspentthegreatestpartofhislife;andtherebeingnoconvenientplacetobehadfortheentertainmentofsogreataconfluenceofpeopleasfollowedhimupon theaccountofhis teaching,he consultedwith themforthebuildingofameeting-house, towhichtheymadetheirvoluntarycontributions with all cheerfulness and alacrity; and the first time heappeared there to edify, the place was so thronged, that many wasconstrained to staywithout, though thehousewas very spacious, everyone striving to partake of his instructions, thatwere of his persuasion,andshowtheirgood-willtowardshim,bybeingpresentattheopeningoftheplace;andherehelivedinmuchpeaceandquietofmind,contentinghimself with that little God had bestowed upon him, and sequesteringhimself from all secular employments, to follow that of his call to theministry;forasGodsaidtoMoses,Hethatmadethelipsandheart,cangive eloquence and wisdom, without extraordinary acquirements in anuniversity.

Duringthese things, therewereregulatorssent intoallcitiesandtownscorporate, to new model the government in the magistracy, etc., byturning out some, and putting in others: against this Mr Bunyanexpressed his zeal with some weariness, as foreseeing the badconsequencethatwouldattendit,andlabouredwithhiscongregationtoprevent their being imposed on in this kind; andwhen a greatman inthosedays,comingtoBedforduponsomesucherrand,sent forhim,as’tissupposed,togivehimaplaceofpublictrust,hewouldbynomeanscomeathim,butsenthisexcuse.

Whenhewasat leisure fromwritingandteaching,heoftencameup toLondon,andtherewentamongthecongregationsofthenon-conformists,andusedhistalenttothegreatgood-likingofthehearers;andevensometo whom he had been mis-represented, upon the account of hiseducation,wereconvincedofhisworthandknowledgeinsacredthings,as perceiving him to be a man of round judgment, delivering himselfplainlyandpowerfully;insomuchthatmany,whocamemerespectatorsfor novelty sake rather than to edify and be improved, went awaywellsatisfied with what they heard, and wondered, as the Jews did at theApostles,viz.:Whence thisman should have these things; perhaps notconsidering thatGodmore immediately assists those thatmake it theirbusinessindustriouslyandcheerfullytolabourinHisvineyard.

ThushespenthislatteryearsinimitationofhisgreatLordandMaster,theever-blessedJesus;hewentaboutdoinggood,sothatthemostpryingcritic,orevenMaliceherself, isdefiedto find,evenupon thenarrowestsearchorobservation,anysullyorstainuponhisreputation,withwhichhemaybe justlycharged;andthiswenote,asachallengeto those thathave the least regard for him, or themof his persuasion, andhave onewayorotherappearedinthefrontofthosethatoppressedhim;andforthe turning whose hearts, in obedience to the commission andcommandmentgivenhimofGod,he frequentlyprayed, and sometimessought a blessing for them, even with tears, the effects of which, theymay, peradventure, though undeservedly, have found in their persons,friends,relations,orestates;forGodwillheartheprayerofthefaithful,andanswerthem,evenforthemthatvexthem,asithappenedinthecaseof Job’s praying for the three persons that had been grievous in their

reproachagainsthim,eveninthedayofhissorrow.

Butyetletmecomealittlenearertoparticularsandperiodsoftime,forthe better refreshing the memories of those that knew his labour andsuffering,andforthesatisfactionofallthatshallreadthisbook.

After he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his life, andconverted, he was baptized into the congregation, and admitted amember thereof, viz., in the year 1655, and became speedily a veryzealousprofessor; butupon the returnofKingCharles to the crown in1660,hewasthe12thofNovembertaken,ashewasedifyingsomegoodpeoplethatweregottogethertoheartheword,andconfinedinBedfordjailforthespaceofsixyears,tilltheactofIndulgencetodissentersbeingallowed,heobtainedhisfreedom,bytheintercessionofsomeintrustandpower,thattookpityonhissufferings;butwithinsixyearsafterwardshewasagaintakenup,viz.,intheyear1666,andwasthenconfinedforsixyearsmore,wheneventhejailortooksuchpityofhisrigoroussufferings,thathedidastheEgyptianjailordidtoJoseph,putallthecareandtrustinhishand:Whenhewastakenthislasttime,hewaspreachingonthesewords, viz.:Dost thoubelieve theSonofGod? And this imprisonmentcontinued six years, and when this was over, another short affliction,whichwasanimprisonmentofhalfayear,felltohisshare.Duringtheseconfinementshewrotethefollowingbooks,viz.:OfPrayerbytheSpirit:TheHolyCity’sResurrection:GraceAbounding:Pilgrim’sProgress, thefirstpart.

In the last year of his twelve years’ imprisonment, the pastor of thecongregationatBedforddied,andhewaschosentothatcareofsouls,onthe12thofDecember1671.Andinthishischarge,heoftenhaddisputeswith scholars that came to oppose him, as supposing him an ignorantperson,andthoughhearguedplainly,andbyScripture,withoutphrasesandlogicalexpressions,yethenonplussedonewhocametoopposehiminhiscongregation,bydemanding,WhetherornowehadthetruecopiesoftheoriginalScriptures;andanother,whenhewaspreaching,accusedhim of uncharitableness, for saying, It was very hard for most to besaved;saying,bythathewentabouttoexcludemostofhiscongregation;butheconfutedhim,andputhimtosilencewiththeparableofthestonyground, and other texts out of the 13th chapter of StMatthew, in our

Saviour’ssermonoutofaship;allhismethodsbeingtokeepclosetotheScriptures, and what he found not warranted there, himself would notwarrant nor determine, unless in such cases aswere plain, wherein nodoubtsorscruplesdidarise.

Butnot tomakeany furthermentionof thiskind, it iswellknown thatthispersonmanagedallhisaffairswithsuchexactness,asifhehadmadeit his study, above all other things, not to give occasion of offence, butrather suffer many inconveniences, to avoid being never heard toreproach or revile any, what injury soever he received, but rather torebuke those that did; and as it was in his conversation, so it ismanifestedin those books he has caused to be published to theworld;where like thearchangeldisputingwithSatanabout thebodyofMoses,aswe find it in the epistle ofStJude,bringsno railing accusation (butleavestherebukers,thosethatpersecutedhim)totheLord.

Inhisfamilyhekeptupaverystrictdisciplineinprayerandexhortation;beinginthislikeJoshua,asthegoodmanexpressesit,viz.,Whatsoeverothersdid,asformeandmyhouse,wewillservetheLord:andindeedablessingwaited on his labours and endeavours, so that hiswife, as thePsalmistsays,waslikeapleasantvineuponthewallsofhishouse,andhischildrenlikeolivebranchesroundhistable;forsoshallitbewiththeman that fears the Lord, and though by reason of themany losses hesustainedbyimprisonmentandspoil,ofhischargeablesickness,etc.,hisearthly treasure swelled not to excess; he always had sufficient to livedecentlyandcreditably,andwiththathehadthegreatestofalltreasures,whichiscontent;forasthewisemansays,Thatisacontinualfeast.

Butwherecontentdwells,evenapoorcottageisakinglypalace,andthishappiness he had all his life long; not somuchminding this world, asknowinghewashereasapilgrimandstranger,andhadnotarryingcity,butlookedforonemadewithhandseternalinthehighestheavens:butatlengthwaswornoutwithsufferings,age,andoftenteaching, thedayofhisdissolutiondrewnear,anddeath,thatunlockstheprisonofthesoul,toenlargeitforamoregloriousmansion,putastoptohisactinghispartonthestageofmortality;heaven,likeearthlyprinces,whenitthreatenswar, being always so kind as to call home its ambassadors before it bedenounced,andeven the lastactorundertakingofhis,wasa labourof

loveandcharity;foritsofallingoutthatayounggentleman,aneighbourofMrBunyan’s,happeningintothedispleasureofhis father,andbeingmuchtroubledinminduponthataccount,andalsoforthatheheardhisfatherpurposed todisinherithim,orotherwisedeprivehimofwhathehadtoleave;hepitcheduponMrBunyanasafitmantomakewayforhissubmission, and prepare his father’s mind to receive him; and he, aswilling to do any good office, as it could be requested, as readilyundertookit;andsoridingtoReading inBerkshire,hethenthereusedsuchpressingargumentsandreasonsagainstangerandpassion,asalsoforloveandreconciliation,thatthefatherwasmollified,andhisbowelsyearnedtohisreturningson.

But Mr Bunyan, after he had disposed all things to the best foraccommodation, returning to London, and being overtaken withexcessiverains,comingtohislodgingsextremelywet,fellsickofaviolentfever,whichheborewithmuch constancy andpatience, and expressedhimselfas ifhedesirednothingmore than tobedissolved,andbewithChrist, in that case esteeming death as gain, and life only a tediousdelaying felicity expected; and finding his vital strength decay, havingsettled his mind and affairs, as well as the shortness of time, and theviolence of his disease would permit, with a constant and christianpatience, he resigned his soul into the hands of his most mercifulRedeemer,followinghispilgrimfromtheCityofDestruction,totheNewJerusalem; his better part having been all along p. 241there, in holycontemplation, pantings and breathings after the hidden manna andwateroflife,asbymanyholyandhumbleconsolationsexpressedinhisletters to several persons in prison, and out of prison, toomany to beinsertedatpresent.HediedatthehouseofoneMrStruddock,agrocer,attheStaronSnowHill,intheparishofStSepulchre’s,London,onthe12thofAugust 1688, and in the sixtieth year of his age, after ten days’sickness; and was buried in the new burying place near the ArtilleryGround;wherehesleepstothemorningoftheresurrection,inhopesofaglorious rising to an incorruptible immortality of joy and happiness;wherenomoretroubleandsorrowshallafflicthim,butalltearsbewipedaway; when the just shall be incorporated as members of Christ theirhead,andreignwithHimaskingsandpriestsforever.

ABriefCharacterofMrJohnBunyan

Heappearedincountenancetobeofasternandroughtemper,butinhisconversationmildandaffable;notgivento loquacityormuchdiscourseincompany,unlesssomeurgentoccasionrequiredit;observingnevertoboastof himself orhis parts, but rather seem low inhis owneyes, andsubmithimselftothejudgmentofothers,abhorringlyingandswearing,beingjustinallthatlayinhispowertohisword,notseemingtorevengeinjuries,lovingtoreconciledifferences,andmakefriendshipwithall;hehad a sharp quick eye, accompanied with an excellent discerning ofpersons,beingofgoodjudgmentandquickwit.Asforhisperson,hewastallofstature,strongboned,thoughnotcorpulent,somewhatofaruddyface,withsparklingeyes,wearinghishaironhisupperlip,aftertheoldBritishfashion;hishairreddish,butinhislatterdays,timehadsprinkledit with grey; his nose well set, but not declining or bending, and hismouthmoderatelarge;hisforeheadsomewhathigh,andhishabitalwaysplainandmodest. And thushavewe impartiallydescribed the internalandexternalpartsofaperson,whosedeathhathbeenmuchregretted;apersonwho had tried the smiles and frowns of time; not puffed up inprosperity,norshakeninadversity;alwaysholdingthegoldenmean.

Inhimatoncedidthreegreatworthiesshine,Historian,poet,andachoicedivine:Thenlethimrestinundisturbeddust,Untiltheresurrectionofthejust.

POSTSCRIPT

INthishispilgrimage,Godblessedhimwithfourchildren,oneofwhich,namedMary,wasblind,anddiedsomeyearsbefore;hisotherchildrenwereThomas,Joseph,andSarah;hiswifeElizabethhaving livedtoseehimovercomehis labourand sorrow, andpass from this life to receivetherewardofhiswork, longsurvivedhimnot;but in 1692shedied, tofollowher faithfulpilgrim from thisworld to theother,whitherhewasgonebeforeher;whilsthisworks,whichconsistofsixtybooks,remainfortheedifyingofthereader,andpraiseoftheauthor.

Vale.

FINIS