Guarding Against Emotional Affairs

Copyright © 2012 by Kevin B. Bullard. All rights reserved.

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...................................................................................................................................Introduction! 4

.............................................................................................................................Michael & Lucy! 5

.................................................................................................................................Aaron & Nina! 6

.....................................................................................................What is An Emotional Affair?! 7

................................................................................................What Causes Emotional Affairs?! 8

..............................................................................How Do You Prevent an Emotional Affair? ! 9

God’s Word

Thoughts

Feelings

Behaviors

....................................................................................................................................Conclusion! 11

........................................................................................................................................Postlude! 12

.................................................................................................About Kevin & Cetelia Bullard! 14

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Introduction

In an interview with Oprah, Psychiatrist Dr. Gail Dr. Gail Saltz stated:

“Many people convince themselves that as long as there’s no sex, it’s not an affair. But it is. An affair really has to do with secrecy, deception of the partner and betrayal. It also has to do with the amount of emotional energy that you put into the other person and are no longer giving your partner.

Most people are more disturbed by the breaking of trust than by the sex - it’s what’s most often in denial. They don’t think they’re having an affair at all. The denial keeps them guilt-free, and they feel they don’t have to give it up. They tell themselves, ‘It’s just a friendship.’”

So how do you know if your relationship or friendship has evolved into an emotional affair? In this EBook we take a high-level look at emotional affairs, and provide solutions for protecting your heart - and marriage - against infidelity.

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Michael & Lucy

Michael and Lucy were good friends. They had known each other for several years, and had never thought about being connected with one another relationally. This was probably a good thing since Michael was married to Beth, and had two small children. Lucy, on the other hand, was single.

Michael, Beth, and Lucy all attended the same church, and saw each other there each Sunday. But, that wasn’t their only interaction. Michael and Lucy happened to workout at the same fitness center, and would workout together.

Michael and Lucy never intended to develop any kind of a relationship, but they did. And, given the circumstances, maybe it shouldn’t have been a surprise that they did develop a relationship.

After all, they saw each several times a week, and had a common interest in working out. They’d laugh and joke, confide in one another sharing their struggles, victories, and dreams.

Although Michael certainly though Lucy was attractive, he was not initially attracted to Lucy physically. However, he found that as he became emotionally attracted to her, she began to look better and desirable. To make matters more interesting, he felt like Lucy was becoming attracted to him as well.

Michael enjoyed spending time with Lucy because it was different from home, which brought financial pressures, and responsibilities as a husband and dad.

Michael genuinely loved Beth and though she was wonderful. Yet, he slowly found himself becoming more and more curious about Lucy.

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Aaron & Nina

Aaron and Nina were co-workers who worked together on the same project team. Both were married, albeit poorly. They enjoyed each other’s company, and looked forward to seeing one another each day so they could commiserate about their miserable marriages.

Nina would tell Aaron about the aggressive and asinine comments her husband had made the night before, and how it wounded her emotionally. Empathetically, Aaron would put his arm around her shoulders as he assured her that he understood, and thought she deserved to be treated better than her husband was treating her.

Nina appreciated the support, and reciprocated by expressing contempt at how Aaron’s wife treated him like a child through her insults, putdowns, and nagging ways. She’d wonder aloud how Aaron could put up with his wife, and would tell him that if she were his wife, she’d always have affirming words for him.

Aaron and Nina would take breaks and lunch together, and always sit together during their project meetings.

Catherine, a co-worker became concerned Aaron and Nina’s relationship, and pulled Nina aside to question her about relationship with Aaron.

Nina embarrassingly laughed off the suggestion that she was getting emotionally involved with Aaron, and told the co-worker that although things had been tough at home, she would never cheat on her husband.

Aaron and Nina’s relationship continued to grow. Although there physical interaction had only been limited to high fives and a hug here or there, there had been plenty of moments when they both wanted to explore to see if there might be something deeper there than shared frustration over their respective marriages

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What is An Emotional Affair?

We know what a physical affair is, and can spot it easily. What, however, is an emotional affair, and how can we spot it? An emotional affair happens when you share intimate thoughts and feelings with someone who isn’t your spouse.1 Said another way, it is when you give your heart to someone else.

As mentioned in the introduction, Dr. Saltz refers to an emotional affair as emotional energy that one puts into another person rather than his/her spouse.

Emotional affairs are so dangerous because they start out invisible, and often blur the line between friendship and a deeper relationship. Emotional affairs are difficult to ascertain on a general level because no two people are the same, and what arouses emotions in one person may not arouse emotions in another person. However, there are some signs that may point to an emotional affair:

• When most meetings and conversations are kept secret from your mate.

• When you say and do things with someone you never would do in front of your

spouse.

• When you make a point to arrange private talk with them.

• When you share stuff with them that you don’t with your spouse.

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What Causes Emotional Affairs?

In the scenarios above, Michael, Lucy, Aaron, and Nina were all being swept into dangerous water through their emotions. This happens to many good people all the time. Through a series of unwise decisions and a lack of self-control, many spouses find themselves becoming attracted to someone who’s not their mate.!As seen in the illustrations, emotional affairs can be caused by a number of variables.

Michael and Lucy’s emotional infidelity was caused by their proximity to one another at church and the fitness center, their history and knowledge of one another as friends, their shared activity of working out, and the fact that they saw each several days a week. While any of these items independently might not be a big deal, all mixed together, they created a situation that was perfect for an emotional affair.

Aaron and Nina shared a similar variable in their emotional affair, proximity at work, yet forged a deeper bond through their respective marriage situations.

They were both miserable in their marriage, and found comfort in one another. While they may not have intended to fall for one another, they began getting from one another what they felt like they were not getting from their spouse at home: attention, care, acceptance, support, empathy, a listening ear, respect, and friendship. When they begin getting these qualities from each another, their internal longing for love and respect was met, and their emotions followed along like a caboose being pulled by a locomotive.

The illustrations provide a few ways of how an emotional affair could begin. Of course, there are many more, and they differ from person-to-person. Rest assured, however, emotional affairs begin when someone who’s not your spouse begins to meet an emotional need for you, and you long to have him/her do it again and again.

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How Do You Prevent an Emotional Affair?

The best way to prevent an emotional affair is to employ a four-part defense that takes into consideration God’s word, your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

God’s WordGod’s word is the first part of the defense needed to guard your heart against an emotional affair. Proverbs 4:23 gives this warning, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The heart is where it all begins.

If you are undisciplined with what gets into your heart in the way of music, TV shows, movies, Internet posts, or companies that extol the virtues of an affair, you are going to become a pawn for the devil to move around.

When you don’t guard your heart, you’re likely to do any and everything. When you guard it, however, you are better positioned to resist the temptations the devil will bring your way.

The best way to guard your heart is to put God’s Word in it. Psalm 119:11 simply, yet powerfully, communicates, “Your Word have I hid in my heart, that I may not sin against You.”

As you store God’s Word in your heart, you crowd out the sinful desires that lurk within ... sinful desires like having an emotional or physical affair. Without a doubt, the number one resource for guarding your heart is God’s Word.

ThoughtsYour thoughts are powerful, and must be corralled instead of running freely in your mind.

Second Corinthians 10:3-5 states, “The truth is that, although of course we lead normal human lives, the battle we are fighting is on the spiritual level. The very weapons we use are not those of human warfare but powerful in God’s warfare for the destruction of the enemy’s strongholds. Our battle is to bring down every deceptive fantasy and every imposing defense that men erect against the true knowledge of God. We even fight to capture every thought until it acknowledges the authority of Christ.”

According to these verses, we fight against fantasies, and capture ALL thoughts that do not acknowledge the authority of Jesus. That means when you have thoughts about

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being with someone who’s not your spouse, you fight it. When you fantasize about how your co-worker is so much better than your spouse, you fight it. You must actively patrol the thoughts in your mind.

FeelingsThe next part of the defense deals with our feelings. Our emotions are fickle, and must be the caboose on the train and NEVER the locomotive. Otherwise, we become like animals who are purely impulsive and do whatever feels good.

Our emotions are powerful and God-given. However, if they are not subjected to our heart, which must be subjugated to God’s word, our emotions will rule us and cause us to do many regrettable things. Romans 8:14 says all those who are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God. We must be led by the Spirit, not our emotions.

BehaviorsThe final part of the defense is behavioral. Here, we must be mindful of our behaviors. We must minimize our exposure to sin and other tempting situations. We must also beware seemingly innocent things such as discussing our partner’s faults with someone we’re attracted to. We must avoid riding alone in cars with that person, doing private lunches or dinners, sending secret text messages or Internet posts, sharing secrets no one else knows, hugging, giving marriage counsel or buying gifts that might inflame the emotions and lead to more.

Ephesians 5:15 cautions, “So be careful how you live. Live as men who are wise and not foolish.” A series of small, foolish actions could easily lead to a big, marital mess.

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Conclusion

Emotional affairs begin when we give our heart to someone else instead of our spouse. They are real, and just as destructive, if not more, as physical affairs. They breach trust, and have the power to destroy thriving families.

Store God’s word in your heart. Patrol your thoughts. Lead your emotions. Be wise in your actions. Only then can you guard against an emotional affair.

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Postlude

In the summer of 2012 I attended a week-long residency as a part of my doctoral studies. While there, I observed a very attractive young lady, who described herself as a “trophy wife.”

For five days she flirted with nearly every man in our class, including one who was married with young children. As the week wore on, I witnessed their laughing and joking turn into handholding & kissing as they walked back to the resort from dinner. Only God knows what happened later that night.

I was not terribly surprised by the woman’s actions because of the way she described her marriage. She told me that the only reason she was still in her marriage was because of the financial security (her husband was well-paid, and there was no way she could afford her lifestyle without his income).

On the other hand, I was surprised by the man’s actions because of the glowing way he spoke of his wife and children. My observations led me to record the following thoughts:

• It’s good to see your spouse on a regular basis.

• If you or your mate travels often, take advantage of the times you’re together to

preserve your union and build emotional intimacy.

• Frequent sexual experiences with your mate are good. They help keep you tuned

into your own marriage. (see Proverbs 5:15-20)

• People in unhappy marriages are eager for attention from other people (even if it’s

innocent), and can be tempted to give it back just as easily. (see Proverbs 27:7)

• Misery loves company -- people in unhappy marriages find it easy to unite with

others who are also in unhappy marriages.

• Regularly talk about & praise your mate in front of others.

• Anyone is susceptible to an affair.

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• Excessive alcohol consumption lowers one’s guard and inhibitions. When under

the influence, people’s mouths begin to leak what’s in their heart.

• If you don’t construct standards and boundaries for yourself, you can have an

affair.

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About Kevin & Cetelia Bullard

Kevin & Cetelia Bullard are the duo behind Marriage Works!, a ministry that creates Christ-Centered resources & experiences that help couples build & sustain a healthy, functional marriage.

They have been married since 2000, and are parents to three great children; Max, Caitlin, and Kuria Joy.

Kevin & Cetelia both come from divorced homes, so they understand the pain and confusion caused by broken marriages. As a result, they are committed to making their marriage work, and helping other couples learn how to make theirs work as well.

Through Marriage Works! they provide coaching, weekend Getaways, and resources that lead to a healthy, functional marriage. You can access Marriage Works! through their blog, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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