Haim G. GinnottBetween Teacher and Child:

A Book for Parents and Teachers

Tricia Underwood, M.Ed. www.familylinks.org

412.661.1800

I have come to a frightening conclusion. I am the decisive element in a child’s life. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher/ counselor/ therapist, I possess tremendous power to make a youth’s life miserable or joyous. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and the youth humanized or dehumanized.

Helping Children Manage Tough Feelings

“Come with me…”

1. If we really had to be separated from our family, what would help us separate with less pain?

2. If we really had to attach to a new family, what would help us attach?

--Silence

--No I won’t let you

--Thank goodness!

Loss

External: HomeParentsSiblingsPersonal itemsPets

Internal:InnocenceSelfIdentityConfidenceFeeling of self worthFeeling loved/cared

for

What types of losses have your clients experienced??

A Continuous State of Grieving:

There are some people who have not had any recent major loss; however, they have never felt loved or wanted and are in a kind of constant grieving state for the closeness they lack. They yearn for closeness with others but also have the basic belief that they are unlovable or that other people are unreliable or will disappoint us. Their depression has to do with wanting closeness but being unable to get it. ~Paul Gilbert, 2001

Saying good-bye to the “loss”

o Ceremonies and rituals for connection and closure

o Stories and storytelling, writing about the loss, “telling the story” through poetry and prose

o Creative art transforms experienceso All emotions are acceptable: anger, sorrow,

“wishfulness,” pride, anxiety, happy, etc… o Form bonds with others associated with the losso Don’t say good-bye…accept chronic reactions

will occur & manage the feelings associated with the loss

Loss & Lonlieness…

Feelings of loneliness are often based on an internal sentiment rather than an external reality.

Being lovingly supported and supporting

others are powerful contributors to our well being.

Support is a powerful antidepressant—it makes us feel good and enriches our lives.

Tips:

Monitor how much a child isolates or escapes with endless sleeping, TV watching or surfing the internet

Monitor for overindulging in food, alcohol, or drugs

Encourage children to seek out friendship & support

Teach social skills

Create a plan to get active

A 2 year old child explores the world. She finds a special place in the garden where she happily digs in the soft soil. She feels proud of her accomplishments. “Look at me!” she wants to tell the world. “Look at what I can do—I am good!”

“Just look at you!” shouts her mother. “Look at this mess. You are so dirty. Your clothes are ruined. I am so disappointed in you. You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”

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The child feels very small. She drops her head and stares at the ground. She sees her dirty hands and clothes and begins to feel dirty inside. She thinks there must be something very bad about her, something so bad she will never really be clean. She feels her mother’s disdain. She feels defective.

Fact: The child’s present shameful self didn’t just happen. It is the result of: Certain key events that they have experienced in life (external factors)

A process of reaction and interpretation that happens within (internal factors)

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Shame:

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Shameful Statements:

I am defective.I am dirty.I am incompetent.I am unwanted.I deserve to be

abandoned.I am weak.I am bad.I am pitiful.I feel ashamed.

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The Shameful Person:

Self critical

Self conscious

Unconsciously seek relationships that

confirm their shame

Healing Shame

Understanding PhaseAction PhaseNurturing the Spirit

Understanding Phase

Be patientBecome fully aware of shameNotice defenses against shameInvestigate the sources of shameAccept shame as part of the

human condition

Action Phase

Get helpChallenge shameSet positive goals based on

humanity, humility, autonomy, and competence

Take mental and physical action to move toward goals

Review progress regularly

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Nurturing the Spirit

Respect forthe

Child

Respect forthe

Child

Promote

Feelings

Promote

Feelings

PromoteSense

ofBelongi

ng

PromoteSense

ofBelongi

ng

Teachthe Child

Teachthe Child

RoleModelRole

Model

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I.A.L.A.C.

I am lovable and capable

Psychobiology of Trauma:

It is the unique individual experience of an event or enduring conditions

The individual feels emotionally, cognitively, and physically overwhelmed (Ester Giller).

The more you believe you are endangered, the more traumatized you will be...Psychologically, the bottom line of trauma is overwhelming emotion and a feeling of utter helplessness (Jon Allen).

Stuck on HIGH Turned OFF

Flashbacks:

A vivid memory that may include images, sounds, smells, or feelings.

These memories are related to the trauma that occurred.

The person having the flashback may feel like he or she is re-living the trauma.

The person may lose touch with reality.

Feeling of Safety

Learning about what safety means as well as working on ways to feel safer

Regain a sense of control (over themselves, not others)

Learn new skills (managing feelings, boundaries, life skills)

Develop a predictable routineLearn about self care

Emotional Awareness:

Teaching a child how to check in with themselvesPutting words to experiences: using feeling word

chart, labeling, anger scale, journaling…Practice self soothing skillsIdentify triggers and a plan to manage flashbacks

Boundary Management

Concept of relationship with selfPersonal rights and responsibilityCommunication skillsAssertiveness trainingBuilding relationship skills

Techniques

Allow sharing of feelings & experiences without judgment

Grounding Self-soothing strategiesRelaxation techniques & moderate

physical exerciseAssist in identifying triggers & dissociative

coping skills Model & teach alternative coping skills

(self soothing, relaxation, sharing)Teach about the grieving process

Rage:

Is a normalIs a normalreaction to reaction to pain & pain &

sufferingsuffering

Is a Is a healthy healthy

response to response to injusticeinjustice

The DENIAL of rage

The DENIAL of rage

is the REAL problem!

is the REAL problem!

Three Types of RAGE:

Active listening

Avoid: Leading with rules Leading with

consequences You & why

messages Antagonizing /

ridiculing Being judgmental Being sarcastic Closed

communication Counter aggression

Use:Attending skillsAttuning skills I & we messagesEffective

communicationEncouragementDiscussionDirection

Counteract Devaluation:

Strength based approachHigh doses of affirmation and nurturanceYou can’t shame someone out of their

shameVCR approach– Validation, Challenge,

Request

Inviting Rage:

Therapist: So, when Mr. Johnson sent you to the office, you were so mad you wanted to kill him?

Sam: That’s right.

Therapist: I’ve noticed that his is something you feel a lot—pissed off. Have you noticed how often you feel pissed?

Sam: I never much thought about it before. But yeah, I guess I do feel pissed a lot, for good reason.

Therapist: Yeah, I agree. You’ve had some tough breaks. A lot of messed up stuff has happened to you. Could you tell me more about being pissed off?

Sam: I don’t know? I’m just sick of people thinking they can treat me like shit. I’m not going to take it anymore.

Therapist: You said you’re sick of people treating you like shit. So who treats you that way? Who pisses you off the most? Who are some of the worst people that you’d like to get back at?

“Being with”

We act as the container to help keep their rage manageable

Non reactiveActive engagementEmotional presence & attunement“I’m feeling right along with you and it’s ok, I’m not

threatened. I’m okay with what you’re feeling”

Obstacles for us:

1. Fear

2.

3.

4.

5.

Taking Care of YOU!• To sustain yourself at work, develop "principles of practice"

-- guidelines of personal integrity that articulate the parameters of your personal values. Commit to live and

work within these principles.

• To recharge your batteries you must first learn to recognize when you're wearing down and then get into the habit of doing something every day that will replenish you.

• Take time off from work!

• Come to terms with the anger, fear and self-doubt that you may have suppressed. This requires honest self-reflection, a

process that some find quite painful.

• Don't spend your energy complaining.

• Find hope & small successes in the work that you do.

• Laugh as often as you can!