h.e.a.l.i.n.g. conversations - total-marriage-makeover.s3 ... · if you just don’t get what your...
TRANSCRIPT
Total
H.E.A.L.I.N.G.Conversations
Copyright© 2019 | Total Marriage Makeover | All Rights Reserved | Privacy Policy 2
To have the relationship you desire, you will
each need to communicate in a sensitive, loving
way. You may feel very far from being able to
do that right now, but we have come up with a
way of approaching your conversations, called
H.E.A.L.I.N.G. conversations, that will give you
a platform for creating some safety in your
discussions.
When we communicate with each other, we need to:
• Hear and Listen with
• Empathy
• Affirm what our partner is saying
• Let them into our inner emotional world
• Include your partner’s thoughts and
feeling too with
• No distractions
• Give your total mental presence to the
conversation at hand.
Let’s look at the H.E.A.L.I.N.G. conversation guide more closely.
H.E.A.L.I.N.G. Conversations
3
HHEAR & LISTEN
It is not by chance that H.E.A.L.I.N.G. conversations start
with Hearing and Listening.
So often we want to do the talking, and control what you
and your partner discuss, but that can come off as criti-
cism. Effective communication that heals starts with an
eagerness to hear and listen.
To engage in H.E.A.L.I.N.G. conversations, tune into the
words and feelings that are present and being used. Hear
and feel the emotions that are communicated in your part-
ner’s eyes, face, and body language.
If your partner struggles to express what they are
feeling, give them space. Don’t try to be the interpreter
of their emotions. To be great communicators, we need
to realize that about 30% of individuals have no clue what
they are feeling in any given moment.
It’s these individuals that tend to be the Distancer in a rela-
tionship and they just need more time to think about their
emotions. Distancers often feel inadequate or deficient
when it comes to sharing emotions.
Let them know that when they’re open and vulnerable it’s
not a sign of weakness but of strength. Encourage them
to continue sharing by telling them you don’t see them as
lacking in some way but as truly strong.
As you hear and listen you’ll be tempted to jump in and interrupt, but resist that urge.
Listening without interruptions sends the message
that you respect your partner, and you are willing to
understand them better.
4
EEMPATHY
You might think you already know what empathy is,
but few people truly understand empathy, and even
less actually practice it.
Sure, empathy is “putting yourself in someone else’s
shoes”, but it also involves understanding them enough
to see the logic of their decisions, even when they are
poor decisions.
Empathy doesn’t mean approval or agreement, but it
does require realizing that everybody makes decisions that
are perfectly logical to them. To be empathetic means to
understand this even when you may not agree with it.
Empathy is the best tool designed to give your partner
what they truly want...
Acceptance.
All humans long for acceptance, but without
practicing empathy we can’t show that we are
practicing acceptance.
Remember, acceptance isn’t approval or agreement. It’s allowing things to be exactly how they are in this moment. It means attempting to put aside, as much as possible, the judgments and presumptions that seem to creep into all relationships.
Maybe ask yourself, “What can I learn if I listen to you with
new ears? And what can I learn if I open my heart to you in
this moment?”.
5
AAFFIRM WHAT OUR PARTNER IS SAYING
Before thinking about how to reply to your partner’s
message, slow down for long enough to affirm and
acknowledge what you have just heard them say.
So much of our communication challenges boil down to
one person thinking of what they are going to say, rather
than listening to what the other person is actually saying.
Don’t get defensive or fire off the first thing that comes to your mind.
Acknowledge that what your partner has just said is a very
reasonable human experience for him or her. When you
affirm your partner, you are demonstrating respect and
equality for his or her view of reality even though it may
be different from yours.
If you just don’t get what your partner is saying, be honest,
but in a supportive way.
Try saying something like this for example, “I’d like to
understand what you are saying, but it is pretty confusing
for me right now.”
If you think you understand what your partner has said,
but you really don’t agree with it, be honest but in an
affirming way.
An example of this might look like, “I am struggling to see
eye to eye with you on this, but I do understand that you’re
explaining how you see this issue. I appreciate you sharing
that with me, but it might take me a little bit to wrap my
mind around it.”
If you feel emotionally impacted about what your partner
says, you can share how you feel by his or her disclosure.
For example, “When you tell me how you feel, it makes
me sad knowing you have experienced all of those things
because of me.”
6
LLET THEM INTO OUR INNER EMOTIONAL WORLD
Satisfying relationships typically involve vulnerable
conversations about feelings, hopes, dreams and
disappointments. When one partner is willing to disclose
something about his or her “inner” life, and the other
partner is willing to hear and really listen, and affirm what
is shared, the emotional bond between these two people
is strengthened.
Confiding emotionally to our partner is important.
It signals to the other person, “I trust you enough to tell
you this personal information. You matter enough for me
to let you in.”
Sometimes, it can be scary to disclose this inner world.
Indeed, in violent or disrespectful relationships, it is often
not wise to do so.
Confiding emotionally works best when the confiding
partner has received some warm supportive signals that
the other is interested, open, and responsive.
Before disclosing, you may decide that you need to “gage
the temperature” first.
For example, with a question like, “Would you be willing to
hear my thoughts since that last fight we had?” Or, “I want
to talk to you about my concerns. When would be a good
time to talk?”
Just as you don’t always have to agree with what your
partner says, you can’t always demand that your partner
be ready to listen immediately.
If you’ve got to take care of your kids or have a demanding
work schedule it is definitely helpful to negotiate a time to
talk that is mutually suitable for conversation.
7
Choosing the right time to talk to each other about
challenges in your relationship is a very important part
of the repair process.
When disclosing to your partner, it helps if you speak in a
way that does not totally demoralize or destroy your part-
ner’s sense of worth and importance to you. Aim wherever
possible, to use a soft tone, rather than a harsh voice.
Avoid swearing, name-calling, or trading insults.
These negative communication styles usually end up
building barriers rather than breaking them down.
Choose simple words.
Stay close to the essence of what you are feeling and
wanting to convey.
Try not to bamboozle your partner with abstract ideas
or an analysis of their character.
Slow down the pace.
Express yourself more clearly and help your partner grasp
the important ideas you want to convey.
Speaking softly, simply, slowly gives your partner a chance
to listen non-defensively. If you have trouble speaking soft-
ly, simply, slowly, it may mean that you are feeling stirred
up with strong emotion. Pause. Take a few deep breaths,
and remember to talk about your feelings not your part-
ner’s faults.
7
8
IINCLUDE YOUR PARTNER’S THOUGHTS & FEELINGS ALONG WITH YOUR OWN
As you hear your partner share their inner emotional
world, begin to really consider what they are saying. Don’t
just brush it off, because if you do, you’ll discourage them
from wanting to share.
Most people have never had any-body there for them emotionally to confide in, so honor your partner’s feelings by really considering what they are saying.
8
9
NNO DISTRACTIONS
Turn your phone off, turn the noti-fications off on your computer and really focus on each other.
If the kids are a part of the distractions schedule day
dates or half days off to just focus on you two.
9
10
GGIVE YOUR TOTAL PRESENCE TO YOUR PARTNER
Focus on your partner because they are about to let you into their inner emotional world and that maybe really scary for them.
Your attentive presence can be a source of comfort for
them, so give them your attention.
10
Copyright© 2019 | Total Marriage Makeover | All Rights Reserved | Privacy Policy 11
Sometimes we get our eye off of the prize, so to
help us stay motivated and resolute in our decision
to work on our relationship, we need to be clear on
exactly WHY we are doing that.
All of life is about moving away from pain towards
pleasure. So in this exercise, focus on both pain and
pleasure to help get through the hard times.
Get familiar and get to know all of your WHYs. This
exercise is about your personal reasons WHY. Not
your partner’s reasons, not your parent’s reasons,
not society’s reasons… YOUR REASONS.
This exercise is designed to change your area of
focus. So often we’re focused on the wrong kind
of pain, which ends up causing us to not really give
these challenges our full effort.
Pre-Work:
Why Are You Doing This?
We need to make a shift in our focus.
This exercise isn’t designed to create friction, its purpose is
to help us create MASSIVE FOCUS so we can create MAS-
SIVE ACTION on resolving the issues in our relationship.
Without your why, you’ll have nothing to come back to when times get tough.
Take a few moments to think about this before diving into
the exercise.
Seeking Clarity… But, Why?
The following questions will help you get clear on your why. Write a paragraph on your thoughts after reading these questions:
Copyright© 2019 | Total Marriage Makeover | All Rights Reserved | Privacy Policy 12
What kind of pain would you experience if you weren’t able to heal this relationship?
What would you miss out on? What would you lose?
What’s the impact relationally, mentally, spiritually, and financially?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What are the benefits you’ll gain by taking action to heal yourself and your relationship?
How will you enhance your life?
How will it create greater joy, happiness, success, freedom or pride?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Copyright© 2019 | Total Marriage Makeover | All Rights Reserved | Privacy Policy 13
Write down all you will gain by healing and achieving true happiness with each other.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Keep your answers top of mind. Print out this sheet and use it to remind yourself of why
you’re doing what you’re doing for this relationship.
Now watch this video
Now take your findings and watch this video on how to being implementing