Healthy Relationships & ConsentThispublicationwasmadepossiblebyGrantNumberTP1AH000081-01-01 fromtheDepartmentofHealthandHuman

Services,OfficeofAdolescentHealth;itscontentsaresolelytheresponsibilityoftheauthorsanddonotnecessarilyrepresenttheofficialviewsoftheDepartmentofHealthandHumanServices.

What is consent?• Consentisdefinedas“togivepermissionforsomethingtohappenorbedone.”(Merriam-WebsterDictionary)• Inthecontextofahealthyrelationship,thisisgivingadatingpartnerpermissiontoengageinaspecificaction.• Consentshouldbesoughtbeforeapersonengagesinanykindofphysicalactivitywiththeirdatingpartner.• Inotherwords,ifyouwanttophysicallyinteractwithanotherperson,youneedtoask!

Consent Further Defined• Everyphysicalactthatacoupleengagesinrequiresbothperson’sconsents.• Justbecauseapersonconsentstooneactdoesnotmeantheyconsenttoanyothers.• Justbecauseapersonconsentsoncedoesnotobligatethemtoparticipateinthatactagain.• Evenifapersonhasconsentedtoanact,theyhavetherighttostopatanytime.• Consentisexplicitpermission.Justbecauseapersondoesn’tsay“no”doesnotmeantheyaresaying“yes.”

In other words . . .• YOUareincontrolofYOURBody.Noonemayenteryourpersonalspacewithoutyourconsent.• YOUhavetherighttosay“No”atanyact,evenifyouhavepreviouslysaid“Yes.”• YOUhavetherighttostopANYencounteratANYtime.• YOUmustalsoaskforconsentfromyourdatingpartner.

When asking for consent• Whenaskingforconsent,youmustconsider1)doesthispersonwanttoconsent?And2)isthispersonabletoconsent?• Whetherornotapersonisabletoconsentdependsonavarietyoffactors.• Forinstance,ifapersonisundertheinfluenceofdrugsoralcohol,THEYCANNOTCONSENT.• Ifapersonissleeping,unconsciousormentallyincapacitated,THEYCANNOTCONSENT.

So Let’s Consider the Following Scenarios

CaseyandDakotahavebeendatingforacoupleofweeks.CaseyreallylikesDakotaandwouldliketokissher.Ontheirnextdate,CaseyasksDakotaifhecankissher.Dakotasays,“Yes,”andthecouplekisses.

DidCaseyhaveConsent?

JamieandTaylorareataparty.TaylorhasbeendrinkingandflirtingwithJamie.JamieasksifTaylorwouldliketoleave,andthepairleavestogether.JamienoticesthatTaylorishavingdifficultywalkingandhasslurredspeech.WhentheyarriveatJamie’shouse,Taylorstumblesintothebathroom.It’ssoundslikeTayloristhrowingup.WhenTaylorcomesoutofthebathroom,JamiebeginstokissTaylor.Taylorseemsunresponsiveandunawareofthesurroundings.JamiecontinuestokissTaylor.

DidJamiehaveConsent?

PaytonandRileyhavebeendatingforawhile.Thecoupleholdshandsandhugs,buthaven’tkissedyet.Rileyisn’tcomfortablekissingyetandhasverballyexpressedthistoPaytonmultipletimes.Whileoneadateonenight,PaytontriestokissRiley.Rileypullsaway,againexpressingbeinguncomfortablewithkissing.Paytonsays,“Comeon,it’snotabigdeal.Everybodykisses.Don’tyoucareaboutme?”AfterseveralminutesofpressuringRiley,PaytonbeginstokissRileyagain,andRileydoesnotphysicallypullaway.

DidPaytonhaveConsent?

Let’s talk about power in relationships . . .

• Whentwopeopleareinvolvedinarelationship,there’sacomponentofpower.• Powerinvolveswho“callstheshots.”Inotherwords,welookatwhoisinapositiontomakethedecisionsintherelationship.• Forexample:whohasthepowerintheserelationships?

ParentandChildEmployeeandSupervisor

TeacherandStudent

When it comes to romantic relationships:

• Itisidealfortheserelationshipstobeequalinpower.• Thismeansbothpartiesshouldhaveequalrightstomakedecisionsintherelationship.• Whatfactorsmightcontributetodifferencesinpower?

• Age/DevelopmentalLevel• Employment• SexualExperience• FinancialStatus• Physical/MentalHealth• Education

• Culture• Gender• PhysicalProwess

So Let’s Consider the Following Scenarios

Derekisahighschoolsophomorewhoplaysvarsitysoccer.Oneofhisteachers,Amy,coachesgirls’soccer.Amyis23yearsoldandhasrecentlybeenhelpingcoachtheboys’teambecausetheboys’coachhasbeensick.AmyseemskindofflirtatiouswithafewoftheguysonDerek’steam.Shehasevenofferedtogiveafewoftheguysprivatecoachinglessons,buthasaskedthemtokeepitasecret,sothatthegirls’teamdoesnotgetjealous.Derekoverhearsinthelockerroomoneofhisteammates,Andy,sayingthathehookedupwithAmy.

Isthisanequalbalanceofpower?

Kendrais16yearsoldandajuniorinhighschool.Whileatafootballonenight,KendrameetsJake.Jakeis22yearsoldandattendedhighschoolwithKendra’solderbrother.Afterseveralweeksoftextingbackandforth,JakeasksKendratobehisgirlfriend.Kendrathinksshe’sfallingforJake.Hejustseemssomuchmorematurethantheboysshegoestoschoolwith.Jakeisincollege,hasjob,acarandevenhisownapartment.Withsomuchexperience,KendrajustletsJakesetthepacefortheirrelationship.

Isthisanequalbalanceofpower?

Consent Must Be:

•Explicit•Ongoing•Mutual

How do we maintain consent?• Talkwithyourpartner.Beclearinwhatyouarebothcomfortablewith.Beclearonyourlimitsandboundaries.• Talkbeforeintroducinganynewphysicalactintoyourrelationship.• Whenintroducingnewphysicalaffection,besuretoask,“Areyoucomfortablewiththis?”or“Isthisokay?”Maintainthesequestionsthroughoutyouraffection.• Neverpressureyourpartnerintoanacttheyseemuncomfortablewith.• Ifyourpartnerseemsquietorunresponsive,stopwhatyouaredoingandagain,ask“Areyoucomfortablewiththis?”andremindthemthatyoucanstopatanytime.• Ifatanypointyourpartnersays“No”or“Stop”,STOPIMMEDIATELY.

Everyonedeservestobeinasafe,consensual, respectful,healthyrelationship.NOONEdeservestobescared,ortobeabusedphysically,verballyoremotionally. Ifyouaresomeoneyouknowisinanunsaferelationship, youcancall1-866-331-9474orvisitloveisrespect.org totalktosomeone24hoursaday.Youshouldalsotalktoatrustedadultassoonaspossible.