heart attack the musical, first draft

8/14/2019 Heart Attack the Musical, first draft

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Cast of Characters

Phineas Gage, MD, FACP: Our hero.Pristine Meadows, CCRN: Our heros true love.Luella Mellow, RRT: A respiratory therapist.Slipp N. Slider, MFA: A Broadway producer.Hesper Matazoa, MD, PhD, FACP, FACOG: A fertility specialist.M. Blance Chaser, JD: A malpractice attorney

Nurse Manager: In charge of everything everywhere.Chief Resident: Always proud.3rd Year Resident: Always asleep.2nd Year Resident: Always irritated.Intern: Always abused.Psychiatrists 1, 2, and 3: Penetrate through lifes confusion.Podiatrists 1, 2, and 3: Seldom put a foot in it.Surgeons 1, 2, and 3: Like hot gallbladders.

The Patient: Last but not least and nameless to protect hisprivacy.

Scene

The place is rural New Jersey.

Time

The year is 2012.


2/42

ACT I, SCENE 1

At the Cowtown Rodeo.

PHINEAS

(Entering stage right.)Why, hello there, Pristine.

(Waves vigorously.)

PRISTINE(Entering stage left.)

Hello, dear Phineas.

(Beckons him over.)

PHINEASIs this where we met?

PRISTINEWell, not exactly over there, not really over here either,

more like this place, over here, in the middle...

PHINEASHow quickly we forget...

PRISTINEYou forget...

PHINEAS

I forget. What am I forgetting?

PRISTINEWhere we came from and where we met.

PHINEASYes, you from Cowtown, New Jersey and me from Brooklyn, NewYork.

PRISTINEAs if nothing had ever existed before...

PHINEAS

I know the feeling.

PRISTINEWhat feeling?

PHINEASThe feeling as if this was the very beginning.

PRISTINEAnd then what happened, Phineas?


3/42

PHINEASI grew up as the son of a Borscht Belt comedian, to become adoctor.

PRISTINEWhile I grew up as the daughter of a dairy farmer, to become

a nurse.

PHINEASYes, but...

PRISTINEWhat, darling?

PHINEASHow is it we came to meet?

PRISTINEWhen health care reform finally came from Washington, theydecided that young urban upstart doctors like yourself neededto pitch in and serve in the hinterlands.

PHINEASYou mean New Jersey?

PRISTINEThats right, and then we met that night at the CowtownRodeo...

Lights go up on the Cowtown RodeoAfter Party Hoedown. Nurse

Manager, Residents, Podiatrists,and Surgeons are all dancingtogether. Lights go down.

PRISTINEThe first moment we met, you broke into song. Say, why didyou break into song that very first moment?

PHINEASBecause Pristine, whenever Im around you, I want to sing...

I FEEL MESHUGGE IN THE MORNING

WHY DOES THE TORAH MAKE ME CRY

PRISTINEYoure doing it again.

PHINEASWhat?

PRISTINEYoure singing your words.

2.


4/42

PHINEAS(Feigned whisper.)

Its okay, this is a musical comedy, the audience isexpecting us to sing our words.

PRISTINE

Oh. Oh? Uh, well then,

I FEEL BAPTIST IN THE EVENING

WASH AWAY MY SINS AND ALL MY PRIDE

(Pauses.)Phineas?

PHINEASYes, Pristine?

PRISTINEWhy does the Torah make you cry?

PHINEASIm not sure, really.

PRISTINEWell I hope you figure it out before this show is over.

PHINEASPristine, darling?

PRISTINE

Yes?

PHINEASWhere does all that sin and pride come from anyway?

PRISTINEI havent the foggiest...

PHINEAS


BROOKLYN FEELS COZY ALL THE TIME

PRISTINE


COUNTRY ROADS MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE

3.


5/42

PHINEAS


CITY LIFE IS ALL IVE EVER KNOWN

PRISTINE


COME DOWN TO COWTOWN RODEO

PHINEAS AND PRISTINE

BECAUSE THATS WHERE WE MET

OUR LIVES FIRST TOUCHED

AFTER THE CALF ROPING

AND RODEO CLOWN SHOW

WE COULDNT RESIST

THE TOUCH OF ONE ANOTHER

PHINEASSo pure...

PRISTINESo cute...

PHINEAS AND PRISTINE

WE JUST DISCOVERED

FOR LIVING A LIFE, THATS WORTH LIVING

PARTLY MESHUGGE, PARTLY BAPTIST

ENJOYING OUR TIME, SPENT TOGETHER

PARTLY BROOKLYN, PARTLY JERSEY

DECIDING TOGETHER, BUILDING A FAMILY

PARTLY FUN, PARTLY ANGUISH

JUST BECAUSE

PHINEAS


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6/42

PRISTINE

AND I FEEL BAPTIST IN THE EVENING

THE PATIENT(Enters in pajamas.)

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

PHINEAS AND PRISTINEWhat?

THE PATIENTI still dont understand why it is you two fell in love andstayed in love.

PHINEASYou dont?

THE PATIENTNot really...

PHINEASYou explain it to him, sweetie pie.

PRISTINEMe? Why me?

PHINEASBecause youre the one with the memory for all this history.Its all a confused mess in my mind. I remember that nightcoming back to town after a roast of my father at the Friars

Club in New York. I was really depressed. You were lookingreally appealing that night.

PRISTINEAppealing? Yes, well, thank you Phineas, but I dont thinkthats what he means.

PHINEASAlright, well let me see.

PRISTINEI think we fell in love with each other for the same reason--our compassionate ways.

THE PATIENTSounds nice, but how did each of you display this compassion?

PHINEASWho are you, anyway?

THE PATIENTIm your patient, at the hospital.

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7/42

PHINEASOh brother.

PRISTINENow, Phineas, remember? Compassion?

PHINEASSorry.

THE PATIENTThats okay, but why so touchy?

PRISTINEBecause the same night we met, long after the festivities

were over, his father died.

THE PATIENTWhat happened?

PRISTINEI was helping out the rodeo crew, cleaning out the stables.

PHINEASShe caught my eye, recognizing her from the hospital, and I

wondered what she was doing.

PRISTINEYou must have been attracted by the scent of love.

PHINEASI offered to help, not know what I was getting myself into.

PRISTINEThats one dirty job.

PHINEASWe worked side by side in the stink and sweat.

PRISTINEHow romantic.

PHINEASAfterward, we spoke for hours, sharing likes and dislikes.

PRISTINEUntil you got a phone call from the emergency room in thecity.

PHINEASMy father had a massive heart attack, he was dead on arrival.Much earlier that evening, I was wrapped up in jealousy,shame, and blame. Later that night, I didnt know what tothink. I was completely lost. Im glad Pristine was thereto help me keep it together.

6.


8/42

THE PATIENTAnother thing.

PRISTINEWhat is it?

THE PATIENTWhats a Borscht Belt? Sounds like something out of theRussian Jewish Karate Manual. Does it come with a loaf ofpumpernickel?

PRISTINEThats what I thought, too, aging martial arts fans with ataste for potato or sour cream in their beet soup, but no,that refers to old time New York Catskill Mountain Rangevacations highlighted by the best and the brightest urbancomedians trying out their material among the cool summerbungalows with a Yiddish reference thrown in every so oftenjust to remind everybody where they were.

PHINEASMy father kept them laughing. I still listen to the oldtapes. I think I stole a few of his jokes.

THE PATIENTAnd you Pristine? You have some liquid nourishment in yourbackground as well?

PRISTINEIf you mean cows milk, then, yes. Im the daughter of adairy farmer.

PHINEASWhats the connection between wide open spaces and the wagesof sin?

THE PATIENTYou really cut to the chase, Phineas, dont you?

PHINEASWell, I want to know.

PRISTINEI think that the elements, the weather, the earth, the rain

and wind, hot, cold, and in between, that these things becomepersonalities in our lives. The grass and cows are our sonsand daughters. These things play out in morality plays anddemand a way of life thats more rigid than what youre usedto in the city. If we dont harden up when we need to, we

might miss out on the joys of spring when it comes, havinglost our way the season before.

7.


9/42

PHINEASI think maybe your Bibles been cross referenced with PoorRichards Almanac and thats okay by me, they seem to worktogether.

PRISTINE

Im glad your a little meshugge, Phineas.

PHINEASAnd Im glad youre a little Baptist, Pristine.

8.


10/42

ACT I, SCENE 2

In a rural hospital. Centerstage is the ICU, with ThePatient in a bed.

THE PATIENTNow how do I make this call bell work? No, not that button.Maybe this one here. No that didnt do anything. Wellperhaps I will try this big red sucker right here.

Lights go down, sirens sound,colored lights flash and swirl.Lights come back up on centerstage.

No, thats not it, either.

Lights go up on stage right on-call room.

INTERNSomeone called a code.

2ND YEAR RESIDENTA code?

3RD YEAR RESIDENTWhat?

CHIEF RESIDENTThat must be the patient in ICU bed nine. I knew he wasnt

going to let me get any sleep. Lets go, lets go!

(They all rush to center stage,surrounding The Patient.)

2ND YEAR RESIDENT

THE PATIENT IS DOWN

HES IN DISTRESS

THE DOCS HAVE BEEN CALLED

THEY MUST ASSESS

INTERN

DOES HE HAVE A PULSE

IS HE LIKELY TO BREATHE

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11/42

THE PATIENT IS REAL

HES NOT MAKE BELIEVE

THE PATIENTYeah, actually, sorry about the confusion but all I...

CHIEF RESIDENT

WEVE TRAINED FOR THIS TIME

OF EMERGENCY CALLS

SO WE CAN REVIVE

WITH SHOCK AND ALL

3RD YEAR RESIDENT

ITS 2AM

IN THE ICU

FINISH THIS THING

I NEED TO SNOOZE

THE PATIENTI was wondering if maybe I could get an extra blanket.

CHIEF RESIDENT

Just relax sir, well take care of everything.

(Gets ready to shock patient withpaddles.)

NURSE MANAGERJust what do you think youre doing?

CHIEF RESIDENTIm saving this patients life, is what Im doing.

NURSE MANAGERLike hell you are.

3RD YEAR RESIDENTBack off, nursie, this is doctors work.

NURSE MANAGERExactly who are you calling nursie?

2ND YEAR RESIDENTAnybody whos standing in the way of progress.

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NURSE MANAGERWell progress yourself right back to the ABCs.

INTERNWhat?

PRISTINEI know this one.

3RD YEAR RESIDENTAirway, breathing, circulation, we all know it.

NURSE MANAGERThey didnt put this on the exam, sorry.

CHIEF RESIDENTSo whats the big secret?

NURSE MANAGERA-Always, B-Be, C-compassionate, always be compassionate, A-B-C.

2ND YEAR RESIDENTAt 2AM? I dont think so.

PRISTINE2AM is the perfect time.

INTERNI cant keep my eyes open anymore.

NURSE MANAGERHave you spoken to your attending?

2ND YEAR RESIDENTIll call him.

PRISTINEMy sweetheart?

2ND YEAR RESIDENTMy boss.

(Dialing phone number.)

PRISTINEIs he there?

CHIEF RESIDENT(Grabs phone.)

Its ringing.

PRISTINEDid he pick up?

11.


13/42

NURSE MANAGERNot yet.

PRISTINEWhat the hell is wrong with him? Give me that phone. Oh,hello darling. Did I wake you? Oh no, sweetie, nothings

wrong. Its just that your Chief Resident decided to buttheads with my Nurse Manager and as usual Im in the middle,not to mention the patient-- (to The Patient) Oh are youalright, honey?-- Yeah, the patients fine, he just needs torelax and everything will be alright. Hang normal saline atone hundred ccs an hour? Okay. Now you go back to sleep.Pleasant dreams!

(Hangs up.)Lucky jerk.

INTERNWhat just happened?

PRISTINEI just saved your sorry ass.

3RD YEAR RESIDENTWhat? Thanks, Pristine.

PRISTINEYou are welcome. Now run along, doctors and leave the ICU tothe experts. You heard me, shoo!

(Doctors all exit.)

NURSE MANAGERI thought they would never leave. What a nuisance thosedoctors are.

(Pauses.)So, Pristine, when are you and Dr. Gage going to have a baby?

PRISTINEWeve been trying, Lord knows.

(Looks up.)

NURSE MANAGERWell, after youve been trying for awhile, its time to get

medical help.

PRISTINEWe dont need any help, we just need more time.

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14/42

NURSE MANAGERIm serious, your ovaries are getting dusty and his swimmersare getting rickety, and you two need to see a fertilityspecialist before its too late.

THE PATIENT

Hey.

PRISTINEDid you say something?

THE PATIENTOver here, I said something, remember me? The patient?

NURSE MANAGERWho could forget when you keep reminding us?

PRISTINEWhat do you want? Do you need something? Whats wrong? Areyou short of breath? Are you having chest pain? Does yourbelly ache? Are you constipated?

THE PATIENTWell...

NURSE MANAGERDoes it hurt here or here or here? What about when I dothis?

THE PATIENTNo, um...

PRISTINE

THE PATIENT HAS NEEDS

HES IN DISTRESS

THE NURSE HAS BEEN CALLED

SHE MUST ASSESS

NURSE MANAGER

DO YOU HAVE A COUGH

THAT WONT SUBSIDE

DO YOU HAVE AN ACHE

WHERE YOUR THROAT RESIDES

THE PATIENTResides?

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15/42

PRISTINE

DOES YOUR CHEST FEEL HEAVY

ARE YOUR LUNGS REAL WHEEZY

DOES YOUR STOMACH FEEL LIKE

ITS ABOUT TO EXPLODE

NURSE MANAGER

IS YOUR APPETITE POOR

WITH YOUR BOWELS DISMAYED

DOES IT FEEL LIKE

YOUR NUMBER IS UP?

THE PATIENTActually, all I really need is a glass of ice water.

PRISTINEMaybe what you need is an x-ray.

THE PATIENTAn x-ray? Really?

PRISTINEYes, Ill call your doctor.

LUELLA(Rushes onstage.)

Maybe he needs to be intubated.

PRISTINEYoure overreacting. You respiratory therapists have a onetrack mind.

LUELLAI never overreact and I dont have a one track mind. If youdont believe me, why not ask your specialists? Doctors?

(In come 9 assorted doctors, allogling Luella, who is voluptuousand flirtatious)

DOCTORSYes, Luella.

LUELLADont you think this patient needs to be intubated?

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16/42

DOCTORSYes, Luella.

(Collective sigh.)

LUELLA

Well, then, you see?

THE PATIENTWhats intubated mean?

DOCTORSNever you mind, sir, we will take care of everything.

THE PATIENTIve heard that one before.

(They swarm around the patient.)

PHINEAS(Walking onstage.)

Hey, hey, whats happening here?

PSYCHIATRIST 1We had to emergently intubate your patient.

PHINEASSince when does the head shrinker intubate my patients?

PODIATRIST 1She didnt do it, I did it.

PHINEASOkay, since when does the foot doctor intubate my patients?

SURGEON 1The pulmonologist is on vacation.

PSYCHIATRIST 2The anesthesiologist is in rehab.

PODIATRIST 2The emergency doc was in the bathroom.

SURGEON 2And Luella really really needed a helping hand.

PSYCHIATRIST 3Didnt you, Luella?

PODIATRIST 3Were always here to help.

15.


17/42

SURGEON 3Especially when Luella calls.

LUELLAYes, well, yes...it was medically indicated.

PRISTINEOh really?

PHINEASIts too late now, anyway. Lets see if we can extubate himin the morning.

PSYCHIATRIST 1Good thinking.

PSYCHIATRIST 2I hope he can remember his dreams.

PSYCHIATRIST 3We were working on some childhood issues before he brushedhis teeth.

PODIATRIST 1Yes, make sure you get a great arch support in that shoe.

PODIATRIST 2That will put your system back into equilibrium.

PODIATRIST 3I agree one hundred percent.

SURGEON 1Are these bozos finished yet?

SURGEON 2I dont have time for this.

SURGEON 3Call me in the O.R.

PRISTINEPhineas, do you ever wish that your father and I could have

met?

PHINEASOh yes, all the time, I mean he died the night of the FriarsRoast, the same night I met you...

PRISTINEI know that part, but do you think he would have liked me?

PHINEASHe would have fallen madly in love with you just like I did.

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18/42

PRISTINEThat sounds nice.

17.


19/42

ACT I, SCENE 3

At the fertility clinic.

PRISTINEYou didnt stroke your little soldier down there the last

three days, did you?

PHINEASWhat? What kind of question is that?

PRISTINEA perfectly reasonable one. I told you last week, you needto produce a semen sample today. It needs to be fresh.

PHINEASA semen sample? What? No, you didnt tell me that.

PRISTINEOf course I did. You just dont remember, thats all.

PHINEASArent you going to offer me a nice dinner and a movie first?

PRISTINEDont be ridiculous.

PHINEASI need encouragement.

PRISTINE

Okay, youre a very nice person.

PHINEASNot that kind of encouragement.

PRISTINEWell, then, what?

PHINEASOh, nevermind.

PRISTINENo, really, I want to know what kind of encouragement you

need.

PHINEASA compliment, a kind word.

PRISTINELike I said, youre very nice.

PHINEASHm. I had in mind something a little racier.

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20/42

PRISTINELike what?

PHINEASSomething with a little slicker sauce.

PRISTINEYou want me to grind this erotic fiction out of thin air?

PHINEASWho said anything about writing?

PRISTINEYou know what I mean.

PHINEASSomething with a little lipstick and a stiletto heel.

PRISTINEI dont know anything about that.

DR. MATAZOA(Walks onstage.)

Welcome, Pristine and Phineas to my humble office. I see youboth got your hormone levels checked already, good, good.

PRISTINEThank you, Dr. Matazoa.

PHINEASIm sorry, your first name is...

DR. MATAZOAHesper, my friend, yes, Hesper Matazoa.

PHINEASThats what I thought. I just wanted to hear you say it.

DR. MATAZOAYes, well it is a peculiar coincidence what with me being afertility specialist and my name being-- well, you know, whybelabor the point? Anyway, yes, well we will need a semensample from you, Phineas, so why dont you be a good boy andgo into that room over there and produce a specimen. The lab

tech will analyze it and put the report in the computer.

PHINEASNow? I mean, I wasnt prepared, I mean I didnt know.

DR. MATAZOAWhats to know? Theres plenty of inspirational material inthere, just get to work.

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21/42

(Phineas walks off stage. A longpause ensues.)

PRISTINEHoney?

PHINEASYes dear?

PRISTINEHows, uh, everything going in there?

PHINEASJust fine, sweetie.

PRISTINEDo you need any help?

PHINEASUm, well, I guess I can manage.

PRISTINEBecause I have a hair appointment at three, so dont take toolong in there.

PHINEASI promise I wont.

PRISTINEYoure not fantasizing about that respiratory therapist, areyou?

PHINEASNo, Im not.

PRISTINEYou can think about any woman you want, just not that LuellaMellow.

PHINEASAlright, dear.

DR. MATAZOAYou and Phineas seem to have very different backgrounds.

PRISTINEWhat makes you say that?

DR. MATAZOAI know it can be difficult to fully welcome an outsider.

PRISTINEPhineas isnt an outsider, hes just a little awkwardsometimes. He has a hard time fitting in.

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22/42

DR. MATAZOAMaybe so, maybe so.

PRISTINEWhere did you grow up?

DR. MATAZOAAround here.

PRISTINEAlmost done, Phineas?

PHINEASYes, Im done.

(Enters the stage.)

PRISTINESo what did the results show?

DR. MATAZOAAh, yes, the sperm count. Yes indeed. The sperm count. Ohyes. Definitely.

PHINEASWell?

DR. MATAZOAWell, what?

PRISTINE

What did the tests show?

DR. MATAZOALet me see if I can make this perfectly clear...

(Sings.)

THE SPERM COUNT IS LOW

AND ITS FRIGHTFULLY SO

ITS NO WONDER YOUVE HAD TROUBLE

CREATING A NEW BUNDLE

THE TESTOSTERONE IS NIL

IT GIVES ME A CHILL

DONT KNOW HOW YOU MANAGE

WITH THIS MAJOR DAMAGE

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23/42

PHINEASAre you sure about this?

DR. MATAZOAOh, yes.

(Sings.)

THE SPERM COUNT IS ZIP

AND IVE GOT A TIP

IF YOU WANT TO CONCEIVE

ILL GIVE YOU A REPRIEVE

THE TESTOSTERONE IS ZERO

YOU CANNOT BE THE HERO

UNLESS YOU LISTEN UP

AND TAKE A SPECIAL DRUG

PHINEASIsnt he being a little heavy handed with all this?

PRISTINESo, he needs to take hormone pills?

DR. MATAZOA

Ah, yes, fortunately this is a research institution and we dohave experimental drug regimens that can be tried in casessuch as yours, otherwise there would be no hope of passingyour valuable DNA heritage to your lucky progeny.

PHINEASI need to take a running jump at this problem.

DR. MATAZOAThats what the hormones are for.

PRISTINEWere on our way to parenthood.

PHINEASNot to be crass, but, what about Pristines ovaries?

DR. MATAZOAWhat about them?

PHINEASArent they-- a little rusty?

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24/42

DR. MATAZOANo, perfectly healthy.

PHINEASHow do you know?

DR. MATAZOAWe examined Pristine last week.

PRISTINEI didnt want to bother you, Phineas.

DR. MATAZOAYes, Pristine is quite perfect in every way.

(Sighs.)

PHINEASTell me about it...

PRISTINEAlright, well, what do you think, Phineas? I mean, we couldtry adoption if you didnt want to risk the experimental drugregimen.

DR. MATAZOASo, Phineas, I hear your father wasnt very happy about youbecoming a doctor.

PHINEASWho gave you that idea?

DR. MATAZOALovely Pristine did, of course.

PHINEASI dont like to talk about it.

PRISTINEDont shut down, darling, hes just making conversation.

DR. MATAZOAI hope Im not offending you.

PRISTINEHes not offended, hes just angry.

DR. MATAZOAWith his father, I gather? You know that kind of stress can

make your little swimmers very unhappy.

PHINEASYeah, well, thats just too bad. He had a massive heartattack and died.

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PRISTINEOh, its never too late to work on your frustrations. Tellthe doctor what your father had in mind for your professionallife, so hell understand.

PHINEAS

He wanted me to be in show business. He wanted me to makepeople laugh.

DR. MATAZOAWas he an entertainer?

PHINEASHe was a writer and a comedian.

DR. MATAZOAWhy do you think he was so interested in having you followhis path?

PHINEASHe witnessed a lot of suffering, growing up. I think he

wanted me to help make the world a lighter place.

PRISTINEI wish I could have known him.

DR. MATAZOAHe didnt want you to be a doctor?

PHINEASI think deep inside, he was comfortable with whatever path I

chose. He just didnt know how to show me the ropes to anyprofession other than the one he knew.

PRISTINEWhat about your mother?

PHINEASFunny you should ask. Dont you think youre a lot like her?

PRISTINEYeah, sometimes your mother and I get along a little too

well.

DR. MATAZOAAlright, so where does that bring us to?

PRISTINEThat brings us to the suspiciously fateful decision pointabout taking an experimental fertility drug in order to mixthe lineage of a man with a lost father with the hearty stockof his lovely bride, me, so we can make a happy baby.

24.


26/42

ACT II, SCENE 1

In the office of a Broadwayproducer.

SLIPP

So, Luella, hows the hospital business treating you.

LUELLABetter than you ever did.

SLIPPThats a laugh riot, right there, Luella, youre a funny one.

LUELLAKnock it off, Slipp, now why did you get me to come all the

way out here, just to catch up on old times?

SLIPPOh, no Luella, you know me better than that. I got ideas foryou. Big ideas.

LUELLAWhat makes you think Im interested?

SLIPPBecause youve got the show biz bug, and a taste for brightlights, glitz and glamour.

LUELLASo what if I do?

SLIPPI can make you a star again.

LUELLAWas I a star before?

SLIPPSure you were.

LUELLA

WHATS IT LIKE

BEING A STAR

FLASHES FOR PHOTOS

SHARED INSTANTLY

25.


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PANIC AND FUMES

GO UP IN THE AIR

WAITING FOR SOMETHING

COULD IT BE ME?

SLIPP

CASH IN ON THIS WEEKS

TRENDY DISPLAY

ADMIRE THE FLOWERS

BEFORE THEY DECAY

FLAVORS INVENTED

TO BE CONSUMED

FRAGRANCES RENTED

LIFE IS RESUMED

LUELLAYou forgot one thing.

SLIPPWhats that?

LUELLANobody in this town wants to work with you after youswindled, cheated, and embezzled from every possibleinvestor.

SLIPPYou got me all figured out, huh?

LUELLANot much to figure on.

SLIPP

(Sings.)

BABY ITS TRUE

YOU ARE ONE HOT NUMBER

YOU GOT THE TALENT

TO STEAL THE THUNDER

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LUELLA

HONEY YOU KNOW

FLATTERY GETS YOU NOWHERE

EVERY GIRL YOU FLEECE

MEETS YOU WITH A DULL STARE

SLIPP

BUT SUGAR PLEASE

HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE

I GOT US A PLAN

YOULL THANK ME WHEN ITS DONE

LUELLA

TELL ME THE STORY

BEFORE ITS TOO LATE

IM KINDA TIRED

READY TO CUT BAIT

SLIPP

Alright, alright, enough fun already.

LUELLAMy understanding is that you have a large gambling debt.

SLIPPIf you want to call it that--my 401K tanked with the marketcrash.

LUELLAWell youre desperate for money, all the same.

SLIPP

I enjoy money, its true.

LUELLAEver since you got burned by your last harebrained idea for a

musical comedy.

SLIPPThat was a great idea.

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29/42

LUELLADont start up again.

SLIPPI defy you to find another bestselling author who looms inthe nightmarish imagination of audiences out there, just

waiting to be tapped into.

LUELLAYoure crazy.

SLIPPIm not crazy, Ive done market research.

LUELLAAnd exactly what did this research tell you?

SLIPPThat best-selling fiction can be turned into Broadwaysuccess.

LUELLAAnd hes from Maine, you know I dont like people from Maine.

SLIPPLuella, please, support me on this and well make millions.

LUELLAAnd what exactly is the title of your future hit song youthink will blast off the billboard charts?

SLIPPCUJO

LUELLARight. A dogs name. Thats a one hit blunder.

SLIPPIll have you know its a solid starter for an anthology ofhorror fiction just waiting to be set to music.

LUELLAWhat happened to Broadway musicals with a heart and a soul,based on stories that average people can actually relate to?

SLIPPAverage people relate to?

LUELLAYeah, Im not joking, they relate to songs of the past,sounds of home, really interesting stuff.

SLIPPCujo is from the past.

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LUELLAYeah, Cujo is from the past, but hes not the outline of a

musical in the making. Theres no meat on that dogs bones.

SLIPPSo what is your big idea?

LUELLAWell, its not really my idea, but when times are tough likenow, maybe we have to try new ideas.

SLIPPLike what?

LUELLAEducational style musicals.

SLIPPEducational musicals? Sounds like a drag.

LUELLAWe start easy, with basic biology and medical science.

SLIPPGreat.

LUELLAPlain Speakin Bones.

SLIPPWhat?

LUELLAThats the title he wants to use.

SLIPPThis doctor character? Now hes a writer? Whatever.

LUELLABetter than Cujo.

SLIPPThat was low.

LUELLASorry.

SLIPPCant wait to hear about your chicken bones.

LUELLAPlain Speakin Bones.

29.


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ACT II, SCENE 2

At the Hospital Christmas Party,curiously, in the ICU, with ThePatient center stage in bed,accompanied by items such as a

bar, mirrored disco ball, andflashing colored lights.

PRISTINEPhineas, Im leaving. I dont care how you get home. Youvebeen acting like a complete jerk for weeks, now youretotally plastered, what am I supposed to do?

PHINEASNo, no, Pristine, its okay, I feel great, I feel on top ofthe world! Lets make babies together!

PRISTINEYeah, right.

(Storms off.)

PHINEASThats okay, thats okay, let her work off some of thatsteam. Shell come around. Are you guys ready to party or

what?

LUELLAIm ready to party, Dr. Gage.

PHINEASLuella? Is that you? I hardly recognize you without yourscrubs on. Say, arent you still dating that no goodBroadway producer?

LUELLAMr. Slipp N. Slider is the gentlemans name, and no I am notdating that heap of dung. What of it?

PHINEASOh nothing, just that Ive been feeling a little randylately, ever since I started taking that experimentalfertility drug from Dr. Matazoa, in fact.

LUELLAAnd...?

PHINEASAnd, well, nobodys around, so lets say you and I foolaround a little bit, shall we?

LUELLAI thought youd never get around to asking.

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(They both climb in bed with ThePatient, kicking him out of bed,he scampers off stage.)

PHINEAS(Pulling champagne bottle and

2 glasses from underneathpillow.)

So, Miss Mellow, what do you like to do for fun, I mean,besides getting all your patients intubated.

LUELLAHardy har, Dr. Gage.

PHINEAS(Pouring champagne.)

Please, do call me Phineas.

LUELLAPhineas? Well, its such a goofy name isnt it? I thinkIll just keep calling you Dr. Gage, I much prefer it.

(They kiss.)

PHINEASWell, I suppose you can call me anything you like.

LUELLAPhineas?

PHINEAS

Yes, my love?

LUELLADidnt you ever want more out of your life than just being adoctor?

PHINEASAll Ive ever wanted was to be a doctor, and now I am one,end of story, why do you ask?

LUELLABecause Ive always had dreams of being a big Broadway star,

my name up in lights, greeted by applause every night.

PHINEASYes, I know, we all know, you tell us all the time.

LUELLAWell, Im serious, Dr. Gage, and I think you should help me.

(She climbs on top of him.)

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33/42

PHINEASMe, why me?

LUELLAA little birdie told me you were in charge of the hospitalbuilding fund.

(She unzips his pants, audibly.)

PHINEASJust what are you getting at?

LUELLAIf Pristine isnt making you happy, and I am making youhappy, then why shouldnt you make me happy too?

(She pulls his shoes off.)

PHINEASIm beginning to see your point.

LUELLAYes, I thought you might, you frisky dog, you.

(She pulls off his pants, revealingbaggy boxers.)

PHINEASBut I still dont understand, how is it Im supposed to makeyou happy? By stealing money from the building fund? Foryou?

LUELLA(Straddling him.)

Now Dr. Gage, Im not that crass. Its for a good cause. Ineed seed money for a Broadway musical starring, well, me, ofcourse. I also need your name, your clean name, as theProducer of the show, so as not to scare off any potentialinvestors later on.

PHINEASMy clean name, eh? Just whos behind all this? That SlippySlider guy?

LUELLAThats Slipp N. Slider, Mr. Slider to you, Dr. Gage.

PHINEASAnd I thought you said he was a worthless pile of dung.

LUELLAA pile of dung, yes, but not entirely worthless. Each manhas his own purpose, I suppose. Anyway yours is to bankroll

me into stardom.

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34/42

PHINEASJust hold on a minute. Ill only do it on one condition.

LUELLAWhats that?

PHINEASYou let me write the libretto.

LUELLAWhat do you know about writing a musical comedy?

PHINEASOh come on, how hard could it be?

HOW HARD COULD IT BE

TO WRITE A MUSICAL

FORCING A FEW RHYMES

CANT BE DIFFICULT

IVE SEEN IT BEFORE

AND HEARD ALL THE SONGS

I THINK I CAN DO IT

COULD I BE WRONG?

LUELLA

YOU DONT KNOW THE FIRST THING

ABOUT MUSICAL CREATION

ITS NOT JUST A PROCESS

OF MENTAL CONSTERNATION

CHARACTERS NEED DEPTH

PLOTS MUST HAVE INTEREST

CONFLICT IS KEY

OR YOU WILL NOT IMPRESS

PHINEASAnd one more condition.

LUELLAOh boy, Slipp isnt going to like this. What is it?

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PHINEASIll be your co-star. It will be you and me, Phineas Gageand Luella Mellow with our names side by side on the marquis.

LUELLAOh, brother. That will never work.

PHINEASOr else you and Mr. Slider can forget me being your cash cowand your shill, and thats my final offer. I may be drunkand horny, but Im not stupid.

LUELLAOkay, you win. I just know Im going to regret this.

34.


36/42

ACT II, SCENE 3

Stage right is a backstagedressing room, center stage is acurtain draped small prosceniumarch, stage left is an audience.

PHINEAS

PLAIN SPEAKIN BONES

ARE HERE EVERY DAY

RIGHT INSIDE YOU BODY

TO SHOW YOU THE WAY

PLAIN SPEAKIN BONES

YOUR OWN ANATOMY

IS WILLING TO TEACH YOU

HOW TO BE FREE

PLAIN SPEAKIN BONES

DESCRIBE HEALTH AND DISEASE

WHETHER YOURE FEELING

LOUSY OR PLEASED

IF YOU EVER HAVE A QUESTION

ABOUT YOUR ARTERIES OR VEINS

IF YOU EVER WONDER

WHY YOU FEEL INSANE

WERE HERE TO ANSWER

YOU CAN BELIEVE

WERE HERE TO INFORM

NOT TO DECEIVE

THATS WHY TONIGHT

IS PLAIN SPEAKIN BONES

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37/42

(Phineas bows. One person clapsslowly in the audience. Curtaindrops on the small proscenium.Crickets are heard. Phineas goesbackstage.)

I thought I told you to do something about those crickets,

Slider. Theyre a health menace.

SLIPPCalm down, Dr. Gage, we still have half a show left toperform tonight. Keep focused. Maybe if your performance isup to par, we wont have to worry about the lousy lyrics.

PHINEASLousy lyrics? Why Ill have you know I slaved over thatscript for six months so that you and your floozy can cash inon my brilliance, good name, and fortune.

LUELLAJust who are you calling a floozy, horndog? And its noteven your fortune, anyway, you stole it, every last dime.

SLIPPAlright, alright, lets keep it together folks. Luella,youre on in five minutes. Make some money for papa.

LUELLAYou men make me sick. Lets go, co-star. Why did I let youtwo talk me into this?

(Luella and Phineas goonstage. When the curtain

opens on the smallproscenium, there is a mock-up of the ICU settingincluding the actor playingThe Patient, in bed.)

SOME PEOPLE GOT BAD GENES

OTHERS THEY SMOKE

SOME PEOPLE EAT BAD FOOD

OTHERS JUST CROAK

PHINEAS

THE HEART IS A MUSCLE

INSIDE OF YOUR CHEST

IT LASTS YOU A LIFETIME

AND THEN NEEDS A REST

36.


38/42

LUELLA

YOU CAN TAKE AN ASPIRIN

OR A VITAMIN PILL

YOU MIGHT EXERCISE

AND PROBABLY WILL

PHINEAS

THEN YOU MAY WONDER

AWAKE LATE AT NIGHT

FEELING YOU HEART POUND

WITH YOUR CHEST VERY TIGHT

LUELLA

ITS THE LATEST GREATEST

HEART ATTACK EVER

IF YOURE ATTACHED TO YOUR PULSE

OR JUST ENJOY BUTTER

PHINEAS

ITS THE LATEST GREATEST

HEART ATTACK EVER

WE CAN BUST UP YOUR CLOTS

AND MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER

LUELLA

CAUSE ITS THE LATEST GREATEST

HEART ATTACK EVER

WE DELAY THE END FOR AWHILE

AND FEEL REALLY CLEVER

37.


39/42

ACT III, SCENE 1

A malpractice attorneys office.

THE PATIENTDont try and talk me out of it.

MR. CHASERWhos trying to talk you out of it? Mr. Doe, Im just tryingto refine the allegations in your malpractice suit.

THE PATIENTI dont want my allegations refined. I want all mycomplaints heard by a jury of my peers.

MR. CHASERFirst of all, John, you dont mind if I call you John? Wedont necessarily want this to go before a jury, second ofall, not all of your complaints have merit.

THE PATIENTDont have merit? Like which ones dont have merit?

MR. CHASERWell, like here, for instance, on page one thousand twentythree.

THE PATIENTPage one thousand twenty three, yes.

MR. CHASER

Subsection K.

THE PATIENTSubsection K, yes.

MR. CHASERParagraph 74.

THE PATIENTParagraph 74, yes, Ive got it, do go on--

MR. CHASERWait a second, thats not it.

THE PATIENTOkay, just take your time.

MR. CHASERHere it is. Wait, no. See appendix GG, paragraph 26 Oh,forget this--let me just tell you what I can remember off thetop of my head.

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THE PATIENTAlrighty, then.

MR. CHASERYes, so, the part about you getting inappropriatelyintubated, thats grounds for a lawsuit right there, thereby

preventing you from singing in musical comedies--did theyhurt your voice?

THE PATIENTI got a sore throat.

MR. CHASERThe voice part is clear, we can address that reasonably. Imjust not so sure about where you allege they withheld a glassof water, neglected to provide you an extra blanket, and

where you said, um, they, um, sang...

THE PATIENTThey wantonly and with malice aforethought sang musicalcomedy numbers in an inappropriate fashion.

MR. CHASERYes, thats the part Im really questioning.

THE PATIENTQuestioning why? It was really awful music.

MR. CHASERLet me put it to you this way.

(Sings.)

YOUVE BEEN WRONGED

AND YOU WANT TO BE RIGHTED

YOUVE BEEN DESTROYED

AND YOU WANT TO BE BUILT UP INSTEAD

THE PATIENT

YES ITS TRUE

I HAVE BEEN SLIGHTED

AND WHATS MORE

REVENGE IS IGNITED

MR. CHASER

39.


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42/42

ACT III, SCENE 3

The ICU.

41.

heart attack the musical, first draft

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