Hell Abolished, God Adopts Gold Sticker SystemBy Jane Lebak

HEAVEN—One week after beginning His new Self-Esteem Initiative, God reports mixed responses to the biggest change in Human-Divine interaction since the Incarnation.“We’ve seen gains in both behavior and

morale,” the Almighty said during a press conference in Chattanooga, Tenn., “but it’s not conclusive whether these trends will hold.”

Hell Abolished…

Last week’s policy change came as a surprise to many. “It took a few days to get used to receiving a sticker whenever I did a good deed,” said Roberta Davenport of New York City, showing off three stickers on her coat that say “Good Job,” “Well Done,” and “You’re A Star!”

As reported at last week’s press conference, after reading a book on self-esteem in children, the Lord realized that all “Children of God” could benefit from immediate positive reinforcement.

“As it turned out,” the Lord said, “tossing sinners into Hell was seriously damaging their self-esteem.”

“This just goes to show that you’re never omnipotent or omnipresent enough not to learn a thing or two from time to time,” the Archangel Gabriel said. “Do we serve a great God or what?! What a guy!”

Support for the initiative came from at least one surprising source.“This initiative couldn’t have come soon enough,” said the original Prince of Darkness, Satan, who wept openly at the press conference. Satan wore a “Nice try!” sticker, “If I’d had one of these way back when, things could have been different. A lot different.”

Hell Abolished…

In the first phase of the initiative, angels were dispatched to Earth with hundreds of thousands of rolls of stickers. Whenever a human was “caught in the act” of doing something terrific, such as praying, helping another, reading the Bible, or working for peace, the angels were charged to present the human with a sticker.

“The first time it happened,” Davenport said, “I was terrified. But the angel put the sticker on my coat, and it wasn’t scary at all.”

However, within a few days, in the face of numerous complaints from those with no stickers, adjustments were made to the system.

Hell Abolished…

“This is a work in progress,” Gabriel said. “We opted to reward those who avoided certain sins.”

“This guy cut me off in traffic,” said Marty Michaelson of Boston, “and I was going to run him over, but I only flipped him the bird and blasted my horn. At the next intersection, an angel gave me this.” Michaelson pointed to a sticker on his lapel that read, “Didn’t commit homicide.”“That makes me feel good, because I really wanted to kill that ... guy.”Just as Michaelson cut himself short, an angel handed him a sticker reading, “Didn’t say %*&#$!”

Hell Abolished…

Gabriel bristled at one reporter’s suggestion that the Heavenly Host is having difficulty adjusting. “We carry out God’s orders no matter what they are, but we weren’t trained for this,” Gabriel noted. “It’s a change of pace.’

The Archangel showed the reporters a certificate that read, “Gave Out Lots Of Stickers!” “We get them too, so that’s nice.”

Hell Abolished…

Still, Gabriel admitted, there are difficulties.“You want to make sure everyone knows that they’re valued, and that’s how we ended up with the childbirth debacle,” the archangel said.

“At first, mothers were given a sticker to reward them for giving birth to their babies, but then fathers complained of feeling left out, so they too received a sticker. Within days, the nursing staff got upset about the lack of recognition, and then the obstetricians. In its final implementation, even the baby receives a sticker that reads ‘For Being Born!’”

Hell Abolished…

On Tuesday, God plans to release all souls from Hell and award them a white Participant Ribbon.“I wouldn’t want them to feel bad about themselves,” the Almighty said with a chuckle.

An undated file photo of Heaven shows that the 24 Elders and the Four Living Creatures no longer sing praises to God around the Throne, but rather give the Lamb numerous gold star stickers.

Hell Abolished…

“This is a terrific turn of events,” exclaimed Saul Boutmi, author of Apathy is a Valid Option. “Now we have proof that God loves us all, so everyone will be motivated to do their best. All that was in darkness before has been put into the light.” And as he says this, he shows off his sticker which says, “Wrote a Book.”

Hell Abolished…

At the conclusion of the press conference, God displayed a trophy inscribed with the words, “World’s Best God.”

“Natural consequences just weren’t doing it,” the Almighty said. “Waiting for the next life for their eternal reward was too tough. This initiative will surely underscore what’s actually worthwhile.”

Source URL: http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/gold-sticker-system

Hell Abolished…

“God Is Not Nice”

Listen carefully to most children’s sermons, and the gospel you hear proclaimed is “God is nice. You should be nice, too.”

To which the clever child should respond, “Let me get this straight. Jesus was crucified for saying that God is nice and we can be, too?”

“God Is Not Nice”

An average sermon or homily for the adults is just as likely to suggest that God’s primary attribute is being nice—or equivalents like being easy to get along with, helpful in a crisis, or useful on a daily basis. Imagine the extreme makeover this would give Isaiah’s vision of God: “…I saw the Lord sitting on a lawn chair, close and friendly; and the emblem of his ballcap said Chicago Cubs [readers should fill in their favorite team name here]. Seraphs … called to one another and said: ‘Nice, nice, nice is the Lord of Hosts; the whole earth is full of his niceness’” (Isaiah 6:1-3, altered a little).

D. Stephen Long. “God Is Not Nice.” God Is Not—: religious, nice, “one of us,” an American, a capitalist. Brent Laytham, ed. Grand Rapids: Brazos, 2004

YHWH

YaHWeH

JeHoVaH

“HE WHO IS”

Exodus 4:18-23And Moses went and returned to Jethro, his wife’s father, and

said to him, “Let me go and return to my brothers who are in Egypt to see whether they are still living.”And Jethro said to Moses, “Go in peace!”

Now YHWH had said to Moses in Midian, “ Go and return to Egypt, for all the men who were seeking your life are dead.” So Moses took his wife and sons and mounted them on a donkey and returned toward the land of Egypt. And Moses took the staff of God in his hand.

And YHWH said to Moses, “As you are travelling to return to Egypt, see to all the signs which I have put in your hand; and you will perform them before Pharaoh. But I will strengthen his heart, and he will not send the people out.

“And you will say to Pharaoh, ‘Thus says YHWH, “Israel is my firstborn son. So I said to you, ‘Send out My son, so that he might serve Me.’ But you have refused to send him out. Behold, I will kill your firstborn son.”’”

Exodus 4:24-26

And it happened at a lodging place on the way that YHWH met him and sought to kill him, but Zipporah took a flint knife and cut off her son’s foreskin and touched it to his feet. Then she said, “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me.” So He withdrew from him.

At that time, she said, “bridegroom of blood” because of the circumcisions.

Exodus 6:1

Then YHWH said to Moses, “Now you will see what I am going to do to Pharaoh. For under a firm hand, he will send you out; and under a firm hand, he will drive you out of his land.”

Exodus 6:2-5

Furthermore, God spoke to Moses and said to him, “I am YHWH. And I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob as ‘El Shaddai.’ But through My name, YHWH, I did not make Myself known by them. And I also set up My covenant with them, to give them the land of Canaan, the land of their dwelling in which they sojourned. And I have also heard the groaning of the sons of Israel, in which Egypt is forcing them to serve. So I have remembered My covenant.

Exodus 6:6-8

“Therefore, say to the sons of Israel, ‘I am

YHWH. And I will bring you out from under the

burdens of Egypt. And I will grab you away from

their subjugation. And I will redeem you with an

outstretched arm and with great judgments.

“And I will take you unto Myself as a people,

and

I will be God for you. And you will know that I am

YHWH your God when I have brought you out from

under the burdens of Egypt.

“And I will bring you to the land about which I

raised My hand on oath to give to Abraham, to

Isaac, and to Jacob. So I will give it to you as a

possession.

I am YHWH.’”

Exodus 6:6-8

“Therefore, say to the sons of Israel, ‘I am

YHWH. And I will bring you out from under the

burdens of Egypt. And I will grab you away from

their subjugation. And I will redeem you with an

outstretched arm and with great judgments.

“And I will take you unto Myself as a people,

and

I will be God for you. And you will know that I am

YHWH your God when I have brought you out from

under the burdens of Egypt.

“And I will bring you to the land about which I

raised My hand on oath to give to Abraham, to

Isaac, and to Jacob. So I will give it to you as a

possession.

I am YHWH.’”

Exodus 6:6-8

“Therefore, say to the sons of Israel, ‘I am

YHWH. And I will bring you out from under the

burdens of Egypt. And I will grab you away from

their subjugation. And I will redeem you with an

outstretched arm and with great judgments.

“And I will take you unto Myself as a people,

and

I will be God for you. And you will know that I am

YHWH your God when I have brought you out from

under the burdens of Egypt.

“And I will bring you to the land about which I

raised My hand on oath to give to Abraham, to

Isaac, and to Jacob. So I will give it to you as a

possession.

I am YHWH.’”

IS YOUR GOD

DANGEROUS ENOUGH

TO DO ANY GOOD?