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ven among people who are very close, miscommunication often arises because people aren’t exactly very open most of the time about what they really want to say.

There are various reasons why this is so – ranging from personal expectations to instincts honed by upbringing and cultural mores – and we can observe this happening all around us daily.

Take a typical example of a lady who told her boyfriend that she could take public transport to return home after work. In actual fact, she had hoped

in her heart the boyfriend could fetch her from the workplace – a hint he clearly missed and failed to respond accordingly.

The end results are pretty obvious and this happens so often because what people say is not always what they truly meant

or were feeling at that time. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we were able to read what their real emotions and intentions were so we

could respond appropriately to what they needed?

E

by Dr Leow Chee Seng, Regional Director, British Institute of Homeopathy

While it is difficult to fully understand how a person really feels and thinks, observing the body language can glean a lot of clues about the silent messages being conveyed.

messageswithin us

HIDDENHIDDEN

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Hoping for this to ever take place may be wishful thinking, but there could be one way to reduce such miscommunications – if all of us actually made time to pay attention to the silent cues of our partner’s body language.

A SECRET LANGUAGE Body language is a sub-branch of non-verbal communication that is known as kinesics. Motivational speaker Kevin Hogan, in his book The Secret Language of Business, described body language as referring to cues from body positions, gestures, eye contact and the whole body stance!

It isn’t easy to spot these cues if you’re not trained to read such silent messages and a lot of people get confused due to lack of understanding between the differences in body language and non-verbal communication.

To better understand the differences between these, it is perhaps best to describe non-verbal communicationasfirstimpressionswhilebodylanguage could be seen as postures adopted and gestures made.

Alternatively, it might be easier to understand non-verbal communication from a context

which includes the way people dress, societal norms on dress and behaviour, jewellery people wear, distance between people, the way people spend their time, the pitch of people’s voice and such.

As for body language, there are several categories of these communications that we can observe everyday – and such gestures areusuallyclassifiedasrepeating,conflicting,complementing, substituting, moderating and ever-regulating.

CATEGORISATIONThe easiest understood category is body language which serves to repeat, reinforce and elaborate on what is said verbally.

To illustrate, note when you ask your child to put down a book, you would also point to the table. As such, your child understands the book should be placed there. This communication by gestures, of pointing to the table, repeats the verbal request and directs where to put the book.

The direct opposite is body language that conflicts with the verbal message, makingit clear to anyone paying attention that your mind is actually not in agreement with what you’ve said.

As an example, when you tell your friend the movie you’ve just watched was nice – but youreyesdart away– that’s conflictingbodylanguage.

The conflicting body language indicator isusually bright and flashing, even to those of us who wouldn’t pay attention to such details. This form of body language appears when you lie, disagree, feel trapped, feel nervous or just ambivalent about something.

Naturally, when there is conflict betweenverbal and your body language, people tend to believe in your body language.

Expressing feelings without words isbody language especially seen

among couples. “ “

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The third type of body language would be action complementing the words spoken, and is intertwinedwiththeconflictingcategorisation.

To illustrate, let’s refer to my friend Vanessa, who is a very good driver. She never speeds whendrivingand she followsall traffic rules,not even jumping queues when in a rush.

So, imagine her surprise when she was once pulled over by the police because she was not paying attention to her driving speed while rushingtothehospital.Bythetimetheofficergot to her car, she was crying and very upset with herself.

Police officers are generally very good atreading body language because most people they encounter try to avoid being penalised and start to lie. This wasn’t the case with Vanessaandthepoliceofficercouldreadhernon-verbal behaviour of crying and shaking was real, and not faked.

So, she was given a chance to continue her journey to the hospital because her non-verbal behaviour complemented her verbal statements.

Humans tend to use substitution like touch to express feelings they do not wish to express with verbal communication. This body language can be especially seen among couples.

Moderating is another category where the body language enhances a verbal message. For instance, when your employees had made a mistake, you should moderate the message of forgiveness with the palm-up gesture, a reassuring smile or a pat on the shoulder for encouragement.

This body language shows that you are very serious about the mistake, but you want them to learn from the error and perform better in the future.

We also apply regulating body language when moving from one topic to another, or to give another person the chance to speak. These gestures are very visible during a group meeting.

For example, we can nod our head when listening to a presentation. We can use our hand gestures to invite other presenters to start presenting their ideas. At times, body language can also be used when some can’t seem to stop talking once they have initiated their thought processes.

IN THE WORKPLACE Body language is essential for the success of a salesperson. Such a sales executive is able to study the clients’ attitude and purchase behaviour at close range, having the opportunity to predict and improve their negotiation skills based on their body language.

If a person folds their arms when rejecting your ideas, you need not waste time to explain further because the defensive mechanism has been shown.

With knowledge of body language, you are further able to easily identify the sincerity of a client and you won’t be cheated easily.

When discussing with the client, if their legs are facing any direction except towards you, you have to observe other gestures to check on their sincerity. Such a negative gesture indicates the other person really wants to leave but is forced to stay.

When the sales executive identifies thisnegative gesture, they should change the way of presenting their ideas or use different approaches to close sales. Hence, knowledge of body language can help boost your business!

Body language skills are also widely used by human resource department personnel, who use these skills during the recruitment process.

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During interview sessions, human resource managers should identify the congruency of the interviewer and the information given during the interview.

Employeesabout to leavethefirmcouldalsobe giving fantastic explanations for resignation. Human resource officers should observetheir body language to further enhance their investigation of these resigning employees to see how to persuade valuable staff to remain.

PROFESSIONAL BENEFITCounsellors often apply the skills of body language in their therapy sessions. In the first stages of psychotherapy, trust betweenclients and counsellors need to be established in this relationship building process before it is possible to move on the next stages of assessment and diagnosis.

Counsellors can observe the clients body language to determine if they can proceed to the next stage. The application of body language is more useful among introvert clients who not like to express themselves through verbal communication.

Someone with low self-esteem and self-confidence can be trained on how to give firmhandshakes at the initiative stage of behaviour modification.When they apply the action kinesthetically, the action would manifest in their subconscious mind. When repeated, the gesture becomes habitual action and the client would be able to apply the gesture confidently after trainingover a period of time.

Politicians too should be trained to understand the components of body language. The application of body language can enhance their public relationship with others.

For politicians, their body language should be friendly, welcoming and give confidenceto the public. When giving a speech, the politician would display open palms to indicate friendliness towards others.

Further, his palms should also face down to exude confidence and exert authority.A firmhandshake during greeting gives confidenceto others.

Body language also enhances the application of criminal detection as we are naturally able to detect if suspects are providing truthful facts or if they are trying to hide something. By observing their gestures, we can determine the congruency of their statements.

A person tends to touch their mouth and nasal cavities when they try to lie. The legs too are

For a business executive,knowledge of body language

can help boost your sales!“ “

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good indicators if someone is stating the truth, crossed legs in a defensive position often signify lies.

It is also possible to check the veracity of someone’s statements by shaking their hands because our body temperature tends to drop when we are telling lies. Not only that, we should also observe the eye movements. When a person is telling lies, their eyeballs move upward at the left side because humans use the right brain to create stories when telling lies.

INTIMACY CUESIn a crowded environment, the ability to read body language can be a real advantage. Imagine being in a crowded disco or lounge – body language can help you predict which girls or guys you could probably hook up with and maybe have a chance to develop something more.

Interpersonal skills are also improved with the understanding of body language. As guys aren’t usually good at expressing out loud their love towards their partner, they would sometimes use touch as a substitute to show their feelings of care and love.

The opposite is equally true too. Most of us would probably be able to tell when a woman isn’t happy with the husband as the face would be black and their whole posture would show off the unhappiness.

Further, couples are able to evaluate each other through body language. While the husband can use body language such as touch to increase intimacy between them, a wife is able to detect if her husband is telling lie through

the observation of his body language.

So, while verbal communication can be easily disguised by an experienced husband, the lack of congruency between body language and verbal communication helps reveal to the wife when there is any inconsistency.

With children, understanding body language can result in a far more fulfilling interaction. Good communications will always be an important parenting skill. Understanding a child’s capabilities and limitations is very important if you want to communicate effectively with them.

Knowing the right techniques in communicating effectively with children can make parenting enjoyable as a positive parent-child relationship is then firmly established. So, whether you are parenting a toddler or a teenager, give focus to good communications – as that is the key to building self-esteem as well as establishing mutual respect.

Also, take note that constant adaptability is needed as the period from birth to adolescence contains dramatic developments in cognitive functioning and social maturation. Children slowly develop abilities to go beyond perceptual appearance to think more abstractly about their environment.

This then leads to them acquiring information processing skills so that they can more readily organise and use what they learned about their environment. As such, listening to your child and paying close attention to non-verbal cues play a critical role in establishing healthy communications. OH!