POCKET POWER .

HONESTY

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First published March, 1985.

Copyright @ 1985, Hazelden Foundation.All rights reserved. No portion of this

publication may be reproduced in any mannerwithout the written permission of the

publisher.

ISBN: 0-89486-255-3

Printed in the United States of America.

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Editor's Note:Hazelden Educational Materials offers a vari-

ety of information on chemical dependency andrelated areas. Our publications do not necessar-ily represent Hazelden or its programs, nor dothey officially speak for any TwelveStep organi-zation.

HONESTY

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A StoryOnce some people heard of a place called the

Cave of Truth. They discussed this amongthemselves and made further inquiries. Finally,they decided to set out in search of the cave andafter a long and difficult journey, they found it.At the entrance sat an old man who was theguardian. They approached him and asked ifindeed this was the Cave of Truth. He assuredthem that it was. They asked if they might enter.In reply he asked, "How deeply into the Cave ofTruth do you want to go?" At this question,they retreated and talked among themselves.They returned and said, "We would like to enterand go just deep enough to say we have beenthere."

This story may remind us of our reactionwhen we are told to grasp and develop a mannerof living which demands rigorous honesty. Wemay discover a part of us wants to be honestjust enough to claim we have been there. Ongo-ing recovery, however, demands that we do morethan simply visit truth and honesty as thoughthey were a part of a scenic tour. The AlcoholicsAnonymous program tells us we have to godeeply into the Cave of Truth by growing inhonesty or run the risk of relapse. As some peo-

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pIe say, "Either grow or go."For many of us, honesty was the beginning of

recovery. We were finally able to ask for help. Itwas honesty with ourselves and others thatbroke through our denial and allowed us to ad-mit we were powerless over alcohol or otherdrugs and that our lives had become unmanage-able. Many of us struggled with that First Step,sometimes for years.

We may have been plagued by doubts sur-rounding a phrase in Chapter Five of the A.A."Big Book" which says those people who donot recover cannot or will not completely givethemselves to this simple program, usually peo-ple who are constitutionally incapable of beinghonest with themselves. Such doubts about ourcapacity to be rigorously honest may be with uswell into recovery. We discover that honesty isindeed an ongoing process and our tendenciesto be dishonest, even in little things, can be asource of discouragement.

However, when we remember that honestywas the key to the beginning of our recovery, wecan understand how important honesty is forour growth in all that sobriety and life have tooffer. The A.A. program of the Twelve Steps isdesigned to help us grasp and develop this man-ner of living.

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Blocks to HonestyWhy do we find it difficult to be honest even

when we want to be? Perhaps one reason is thatdishonesty had become for us a way of lifewhen we were drinking or using. Dishonestypermeated our behavior as well as our mindsand emotions. Frequently we lived in a world ofillusions that we could scarcely discern from theworld of reality. We found ourselves telling lieseven when the truth was more convenient.

We developed a lifestyle around our drinkingthat demanded we be dishonest. We would lieconcerning our whereabouts, -about the moneywe were spending on drugs, and about how im-portant drinking was to us. We became emo-tionally dishonest to the point that we did notknow what our real feelings were because ouremotions were under the sway of alcohol orother drugs.

Dishonesty had become such a way of life,that it will take time and effort to change. Weare sometimes tempted in sobriety to think wehave gotten "totally honest." A.A. as a pro-gram and a fellowship suggests that absolutehonesty is impossible. Rather, we have the ca-pacity to grow in honesty. To do this, we need tomake the effort ourselves, but we also need tobe with people who are becoming honest, too.As we experience their honesty, whether with

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themselves in relation to their Higher Power orin relation to us, we discover our capacity forhonesty grows and develops.

Another significant block to honesty is fear.There is a risk involved in honesty, and fre-quently we fear the consequences and pain thatit may cause. It is helpful if we can be honestabout our self-centered fear and share that withothers. They may help us see that the conse-quences of our dishonesty in a given situationare more painful and dangerous for us than be-ing honest.

Honesty and the StepsThere are times when we think, "I have

worked the Steps. I have done a Fourth and aFifth Step once and I don't need to do themagain." That may, in fact, be true for many ofus. However, some find it helpful to do theseSteps over again after some length of sobriety.Others make it a regular practice to do a TenthStep, not only on a daily basis, but on a semi-annual or annual basis as well. The inventorySteps can help us grow in honesty. These Steps,particularly later in sobriety, can reveal patternsof denying our good qualities, patterns in whichwe tend to avoid opportunities for growth.

At first, honesty regarding ourselves tends tofocus on the negative dimensions of our behav-

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ior and personality. This honesty about our-selves, particularly as we share it with others,begins to free us from the self-deception wehave engaged in because of our addiction. Per-haps it is more difficult for us to be honestabout our good qualities and the basic goodnessof our personalities.

Many of us were mental and emotionalwrecks and spiritually bankrupt when we beganthe program. Honesty serves first to clear theground regarding our past and present condi-tion. But as we grow in recovery and personalawareness, we become conscious of other morepositive dimensions of our lives that the diseasekept hidden. Sometimes we are even fearful ofacknowledging our good qualities. It may seemlike grandiosity, or we may fear the responsibil-ity that comes with this recognition. But thispersonal awareness of our talents and abilitiescan open new vistas of growth. We discover, forexample, our lives have purpose and meaning;we can be useful to others, and we have some-thing to contribute to life. Frequently it takes asmuch courage to be honest about our goodnessas it does about the negative dimensions.

The A.A. program of the Twelve Steps con-tinually encourages us to be honest with our-selves by being honest about ourselves with oth-ers. Through the Eighth and Ninth Steps weare

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led into a new quality of honesty with otherpeople. These Steps suggest that we examineour past and acknowledge the harm we mayhave caused others. The "Big Book" devotes anumber of pages to these important Steps. Onepoint that seems to emerge is the importance ofdiscussing our amends with someone we trustbefore we make them. Making amends is differ-ent than making an apology. Many of us areexperts at saying, "I'm sorry." However, anamend implies a willingness to change our be-havior toward another person. We are not onlysaying, "I'm sorry," we are saying, "I intendnot to treat you that way in the future." Hon-esty in these Steps may also mean we need torepay, as best we can, someone we harmed fi-nancially or emotionally. Step Nine tells us weare to do this except when it would injure theperson we are making amends to or others.

To do the Eighth and Ninth Steps honestly,we need to examine. our motives and intentionsin a detailed way. In early sobriety we may havethought we were making amends when all wewere really trying to do was get our own way, orget someone out of our hair, or bring aboutreconciliation. To work these Steps honestly isto acknowledge the harm we have done to oth-ers in an honest and forthright manner and tobe willing to accept the consequences of our

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actions. Sometimes a nagging discontent in so-briety is due to our unwillingness to really makeamends to people whom we may have harmed.The "Big Book" clearly suggests that we needhelp on these Steps in special ways. The "BigBook" reminds us that we are experts at hidingdubious motives beneath good reasons, andsharing with others can help us avoid this. Dis-cussing amends with people in the program canhelp us discover when we need to make amendsand how we can best do this.

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What is Honesty, How Does it Flourish?One way of defining honesty is to say it is

simply the lack of intention to deceive. Whenwe intend not to deceive ourselves, others, andGod as we understand Him, we are makingsolid progress in developing that manner of liv-ing which requires rigorous honesty. We dis-cover we can go deep into the Cave of Truth andbecome more free and at ease. We lose our fearof being honest with others and of their beinghonest with us. We find the consequences ofbeing honest are better than continuing dishon-esty. Developing honesty may at times be diffi-cult and hard work. It may require time andtrust in others to discover what honesty is for usin a given situation or at a particular time in ourlives. But as we grow in honesty, we will appreci-

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ate its benefits.We need to be careful about being brutally

honest. When we, or someone around us, isbeing brutally honest, chances are we are beingmore brutal than honest. Honesty flourishes inan atmosphere of care. For people in recovery,honesty is nourished by the care we have for oneanother as fellow sufferers from the same addic-tion and disease. Without care, honesty be-comes false.

Another quality surrounding honesty is pa-tience. Many of us have been dishonest for along time, and it will take a while for us todevelop an honest way of living. We tend attimes to fall back into old patterns of behavior.Our honesty and the honesty of others in A.A.can help us avoid these patterns. It is sometimessaid, "I am no longer the person I was. Theperson I was drank and used. If I start actinglike that, I will drink and use again." When weattempt to develop honesty and other qualities,we need to be aware of the A.A. principle ofprogress not perfection. Honesty is the work ofa lifetime. We need to acknowledge the progressthat has been made, but at the same time weacknowledge the distance from our goal. Hav-ing patience with ourselves and with others canhelp us develop an honest quality of life.

Perhaps another story will illustrate how hon-

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esty flourishes. Michelangelo was a great sculp-tor. Every day a small boy would come by hisstudio and watch. One day after the boy hadbeen watching Michelangelo work for monthson a particular piece of marble, the child asked,"What is it that you are really doing?" Miche-langelo looked at him and said, "There is anangel in this stone and I am trying to let himout." His work demanded care and patience,and so does honesty. As we strive to becomemore honest, we discover that we need care andpatience, too. We may not be trying to free an-gels from stone, but we are trying to discoverand free our selves.

Sometimes it may seem that honesty is a dan-gerous thing. At an A.A. meeting on the topicof honesty someone said, "What would happenif the whole world suddenly became honest?"The reaction of many was that it would be adisaster, a total catastrophe. They assumed thedishonesties of the world are what keep it going.Before this mood could catch on, a youngwoman said, "Perhaps if the world were sud-denly honest, the sheer beauty would over-whelm us alL" It is not the dishonesties in theworld and in our lives that keep them going. Infact, dishonesties make life harder. Honesty, thewillingness to live with the intention of not de-ceiving ourselves, others, and God as we under-

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Help in Being HonestOne way of viewing the disease of alcoholism

is to look at what is hidden by it and through it.Certainly we hid our drinking and using fromfriends, family, and even from ourselves as bestwe could. As our disease progressed it began tohide other things. We covered up many dimen-sions of our lives as well. The process of gettingbetter can be understood as uncovering, recov-ering, and discovering accomplished throughhonesty.

We need to do more than simply uncover thetruth about our powerlessness over alcohol andother drugs. We need to uncover the truth aboutourselves as human beings. This demands awillingness to look at aspects of our lives whichwe may want to hide from others. This continu-ing willingness to uncover the truth is a neces-sary step before we can move further in recover-ing.

As we go more deeply into the Cave of Truthand are more willing to uncover things that inthe past we feared looking at, our process ofrecovery continues. We begin to discover newand glorious things about ourselves and othersthat we never knew before. This discovery can

be an exciting and adventurous time of growth.We may discover talents we did not know wehad; we may discover we are willing to take newrisks in our growth that amaze us; we discoverwe have something to offer other people.

Again, honesty is the key to discovery. Manytimes we need others to help us discover thesenew dimensions of our personalities. When wecan accept their honest evaluation of us, we arein the real process of self-acceptance andgrowth. Step Ten continues the uncoveriI)gprocess by taking a personal inventory and ad-mitting when we are wrong. This Step presup-poses that we will be wrong for it says when, notif. This reminds us that we aim at making pro-gress and have not become perfect. It also en-ables us to guard against old behaviors and atti-tudes coming back into our lives. We continuethe process of uncovering, recovering, and dis-covering by taking note of motives, intentions,and actions toward others and ourselves.

If honesty is the lack of intention to deceive,a daily Tenth Step may reveal that there aremany ways in which we can, and often do, de-ceive ourselves and those around us. Sometimesit may be in words, other times it may be ingestures or actions. The willingness to look atthis on a daily basis can be a freeing experience.And a Tenth Step based on honesty can make a

stand Him, enables us to be the people we trulyare.

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significant difference between a mediocre andsomewhat uncomfortable sobriety and one thatis deep, joyous, and fulfilling.

We may find taking a Tenth Step not only ona daily basis but on a quarterly or semiannualbasis is also helpful. This gives us an opportu-nity to look at our lives and see what patternswe need to be aware of. The willingness to sharea written Tenth Step with a trusted friend, spir-itual advisor, or sponsor can be a tremendoustool in our growth. Many of us have found thatwe cannot be honest with ourselves unless weare honest with another person. This does notmean that we have to call someone every dayand tell them of our dishonesties. But the will-ingness to share with someone what is going onwith us is a certain aid in our growth and hon-esty.

Many people have found doing a Tenth Stepin the form of a journal can be a helpful experi-ence in recovery. FQr example, we could recordnot only the dishonesties of the day, but alsothose things we have to be grateful for. We cango into detail about our hopes, dreams, fears,and the relationships in our lives.

There are many books available on keeping ajournal. What we need to remember most of allis that this is our private journal, to be sharedonly when we wish. It is a place where we can be

honest with ourselves, and an opportunity toexplore what is important for us. We can writein our journals as though no one else would eversee it, even though we may choose to share itwith someone later. Most of us know ourselveswell enough to recognize that if we are writingwith the possibility of someone reading it, wewill write more for them than for ourselves.

Honesty seems to be one of the central quali-ties of continuing sobriety. As the "Big Book"says, we are attempting to grasp and develop amanner of living that demands rigorous hon-esty. This does not always need to be a frighten-ing process. Pain may be involved, but there isalso freedom, joy, and fulfillment as we are ableto grow in honesty with ourselves, others, andour Higher Power. Should someone ask us whywe are making such an effort at honesty, we canreply as Michelangelo did. "There is an angel inthis stone and I am trying to let him (or her)out."

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ftzeldenHazelden Pocket Power Series

A series of inspirational pamphlets small enough to carrywith you wherever you go. Short enough to read in one sitting,each pocket-size, 16 page pamphlet uses traditional A.A. phil-osophy to deal with the different stages and emotions encoun-tered during recovery.

Freedom From FearOrder No. 1282B

GratitudeOrder No. 1331B

HonestyOrder No. 1336B

HopeOrder No. 1337B

HumilityOrder No. 1338B

InadequacyOrder No. 5360B

Just for TodayOrder No. 1339B

Miracles in RecoveryOrder No. 5402B

PatienceOrder No. 5361B

Reaching Out to OthersOrder No. 5400B

SerenityOrder No. 5362B

SurrenderOrder No. 5449B

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