Copyright

Text©FrancescaSimon2004

Internalillustrations©TonyRoss2004

Coverillustration©TonyRoss2008

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OriginallypublishedinGreatBritainin2004byOrionChildren’sBooks.

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SourceofProduction:VersaPress,EastPeoria,Illinois,USA

DateofProduction:April2010

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FrontCover

TitlePage

Copyright

Mummy’sCurseJokes

GrislyGrubJokes

Gross-OutJokes

ScarySitterJokes

TerminatorGladiatorJokes

UnderpantsJokes

Stinkbombs

DoctorDettolJokes

DizzyDave’sDinosaurJokes

MoodyMargaretKnocksSourSusanJokes

BeefyBert’sBeastlyJokes

AerobicAl’sSportsJokes

JokesNottoTellAuntRuby

JokesNottoTellMissBattle-Axe

PerfectPeter’sFavoriteJokes

JokesMuchTooRudetoTellMom

MoreHorridHenry!

AbouttheAuthor

AbouttheIllustrator

BackCover

TothechildrenofYerburyPrimarySchool,whotoldHenrysuchbrilliantjokes

Whydidn’ttheskeletonandthemonsterfight?

Theskeletondidn’thavetheguts.

WhywastheEgyptianboyupset?

Hisdaddywasamummy.

Duringwhichagedidmummieslive?

TheBand-age.

Whatdoesamonstermommysaytoherkidsatlunch?

Don’ttalkwithsomeoneinyourmouth.

Whatdidthemetalmonsterwantwrittenonhisgravestone?

Rustinpiece.

WhatpetsdoesDraculaown?

Abloodhoundandaghoulfish.

WhatissunginthevampireproductionofAbbahits?

Fangyouforthemusic.

Whoworksinmonsterhospitals?

Askeletonstaff.

Whatfeaturedowitcheslovehavingontheircomputers?

Aspellchecker.

Whatshouldyoudoaftershakinghandswithamonster?

Countyourfingers.

Whenavampiredrinkstoomuch,whatdoesitget?

Afangover.

Whatdidthevampirecrawlingthroughthedesertsay?

“Blood!Blood!”

Whatdovampirescrosstheseain?

Bloodvessels.

Whichmonsteratethethreebears’porridge?

Ghouldilocks.

Whatdoyoucallaghostlyteddybear?

WinnietheOOOOOHhhhhhhhh.

Whathaircutdomonsterslike?

Deadlocks.

Whatdidthepirategetwhenhehittheskeleton?

Askullandverycrossbones.

Whydidn’ttheskeletongototheparty?

Hehadnobodytogowith.

Wheredoskeletonsswim?

TheDeadSea.

Boy:Mommy,Mommy,Ralphjustcalledmeawerewolf.

Mom:Shutupandcombyourface.

Whyarezombiesneverlonely?

Theycanalwaysdigupafewfriends.

Whatdoyougetifahuge,hairymonsterstepsonBatmanandRobin?

FlatmanandRibbon

Hangman:Doyouhavealastrequest?

Prisoner:Yes,canIsingasong?

Hangman:Allright.Justone.

Prisoner:Tenmillionbottlesofpoponthewall…

WhyistheletterVlikeamonster?

ItcomesafterU.

Whatdidthemonstersaytohisdaughter?

“You’retheappleofmyeyeeyeeyeeye.”

Whatisamonster’sfavoritegame?

Hideandshriek.

Whatshouldyousayifyoumeetaghost?

Howdoyouboo?

Whatdolittleghostsdrink?

Evaporatedmilk.

Whendoghostsusuallyappear?

Justbeforesomeonescreams.

Whatwouldyoufindonahauntedbeach?

Asandwitch.

Whatdoshort-sightedghostswear?

Spooktacles.

Whydidthemummyhavenofriends?

Hewastoowrappedupinhimself.

Wheredoghostsgoonvacation?

DeathValley.

BELCH!CRUNCH!

OOZE!SPLAT!Hahaha.Thesearegreatjokestotellwhenyouwanttomakepeoplefeel

sick.

VampiretoSon:You’relate.Wehadguestsfordinner.Theyweredelicious!

Whatdocannibalslikeforbreakfast?

Butteredhost.

WhatdoesDraculalikeforbreakfast?

Readyneck.

Whydidthevampireneedmouthwash?

Becausehehadbatbreath.

Whatdomonstersmakewithcars?

Trafficjam.

Whatdocannibalsplayatparties?

Swallowtheleader.

Whatdoesaseamonstereatfordinner?

Fishandships.

Howdomonstershavetheireggs?

Terrifried.

What’sthedifferencebetweenschoollunchesandslugs?

Schoollunchescomeonplates.

Whatdoyoucallsomeonewhoputspoisonontheirbreakfast?

Acerealkiller.

Whatdomermaidshaveontoast?

Mermalade.

Dozombieseatpopcornwiththeirfingers?

No,theyeatthefingersseparately…

What’syellowanddangerous?

Shark-infestedcustard.

Whatdoyougetifyoucrossaneggwithabarrelofgunpowder?

Aboom-meringue.

Waiter!Waiter!Yourthumbisinmysoup.

Don’tworry.It’snothot.

Waiter!Waiter!Thiseggisbad.

Don’tblameme,Ionlylaidthetable.

Waiter!Waiter!There’saflyinmysoup.

I’msorry,sir,thedogmusthavemissedit.

Henry:Whyisyourthumbonmysandwich?

DemonDinnerLady:Tostopitfromfallingontheflooragain.

What’sworsethanfindingacaterpillarinyourapple?

Findinghalfacaterpillarinyourapple.

Whydon’tcannibalseatclowns?

Becausetheytastefunny.

WhatdoFrenchpupilssayafterfinishingschoollunches?

Mercy.

Whathappenedtothebutcherwhobackedintoameatgrinder?

Hegotalittlebehindinhiswork.

Henry:What’syellow,brown,andhairy?

Peter:Idon’tknow.

Henry:Cheeseontoaststucktothecarpet.

Whatdocannibalsdoatweddings?

Toastthebrideandgroom.

Whatdoyougiveacannibalwho’slatefordinner?

Thecoldshoulder.

What’syellow,flat,andfliesaroundthekitchen?

Anunidentifiedflyingomelette.

What’stheworstthingyou’llfindinaschoolcafeteria?

Thefood.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry,howmanyboneshaveyougotinyourbody?

Henry:Itfeelslike4,000.Ihadfishforlunchintheschoolcafeteria.

“Outofmyway,worm!Thesejokesaremuchtoogrossforyou!”

WhathappenswhenababyeatsRiceKrispies?

Itgoessnap,crackle,andpoop.

Whyisyourmouthfulloflint?

Mymomvacuumedupmycandy.

Whatdoyougetifyousitunderacow?

Apatonthehead.

Whatmonsterdoyougetattheendofyourfinger?

Abogeymonster.

Waiter!Waiter!There’saflyinmysoup.

Quietoreveryonewillwantone.

What’sgreenandhangsfromtrees?

Giraffesnot.

Whatdoyougiveseasickelephants?

Plentyofroom.

Whydogorillashavebignostrils?

Becausetheyhavebigfingerstopickit.

What’saninsect’sbestpick-upline?

“Isthisstooltaken?”

Whatgoesha-ha-bonk?

Amanlaughinghisheadoff.

Whydidthesandscream?

Theseaweed.

Whatdoyoudowhenyournosegoesonstrike?

Picket.

Howdoyoumakeatissuedance?

Putalittleboogieinit.

Knockknock.

Who’sthere?

Alec.

Alecwho?

Alectopickmynose.

Knockknock.

Who’sthere?

Ahab.

Ahabwho?

Ahabtogotothebathroom.

What’sbrownandsticky?

Abrownstick.

Warning!Makesureyoucanmakeaquickgetawayifyoutellarabidbaby-sitteranyofthesejokes.Believeme,Iknow.

Henry:Rebecca,youremindmeofamoviestar.

RabidRebecca:Oooh.Whichone?

Henry:TheIncredibleHulk.

RabidRebecca:Ialwaysspeakmymind.

Henry:I’msurprisedyouhavesomuchtosaythen.

RabidRebecca:WheneverI’mdowninthedumps,IbuymyselfanewT-shirt.

Henry:Sothat’swhereyougetthem.

Henry:WhydoIhavetogotobed?

Rebecca:Becausethebedwon’tcometoyou.

Rebecca:Howlongcansomeonelivewithoutabrain?

Henry:Howoldareyou?

Didyouhearaboutthebaby-sitterwhoaccidentallypluggedherelectricblanketintothetoaster?

Shespentthenightpoppingoutofbed.

Nahnahnenahnah

Ifyouwanttomakeyourmean,horribleparentsreallyscream,justtellthemoneofthesejokes.

Whatdoyoucallasheepwithamachinegun?

Lambo.

What’sgotfourlegsandanarm?

ARottweiler.

Whatdoyoucallaparakeetthat’sbeenrunoverbyalawnmower?

Shreddedtweet.

Whatdidtheflysayasithitthewindshield?

That’smeallover.

What’sthelastthingthatgoesthroughawasp’smindwhenithitsawindshield?

Itssting.

What’sgreenandredandgoesaroundandaround?

Afroginablender.

Whatdoyoucallacowwithnolegs?

Groundbeef.

Whydidthechickencrosstheroad,rollinthemud,andcrosstheroadagain?

Becausehewasadirtydouble-crosser.

Didyouhearaboutthemanwhohadadogwithnolegs?

Hetookitforadrageveryday.

Howdoyoukillacircus?

Goforthejuggler.

Boyohboy!Jokesdonotgetmorehorridthanthese.

What’shairy,scary,andwearsitsunderwearonitshead?

TheUnderwere-wolf.

KnockKnock!

Who’sthere?

Underwear.

Underwearwho?

Iunderwearmymamais?

Whydowerewolveshaveholesintheirunderpants?

Sofurrytailscancometrue.

Whatgushesoutofthegroundshouting,“tightywhities,tightywhities”?

Crudeoil.

Whatgushesoutofthegroundshouting,“Underwear,underwear”?

Refinedoil.

Whathangsoutyourunderpants?

Yourmom.

Whydidthegolferweartwopairsofunderpants?

Incasehegotaholeinone.

What’sthebestwaytomakeunderpantslast?

Makevestsfirst.

Knockknock.

Who’sthere?

Icy.

Icywho?

Iseeyourunderpants.

Whatgoes300mphonawashingline?

Hondapants.

Whatdoyougetifyoupullyourunderwearuptoyourneck?

Achestofdrawers.

MiniMinnie:DoyouknowhowoldMissBattle-Axeis?

LispingLilly:No,butIknowhowtofindout.Takeoffherunderpants!

MiniMinnie:Takeoffherunderpants!Howwillthattellus?

LispingLilly:“Well,inmyunderpantsitsays,‘3to5years.’”

Holdyournoseforthesestinkers!

Whatdidtheskunksaywhenthewindblewintheoppositedirection?

It’sallcomingbacktomenow.

Whatdoyougetifyoucrossabearwithaskunk?

WinniethePoo.

Howdoyoustopsomeonewho’sbeenworkingoutinthegymonahotdayfromsmelling?

Putaclothespinonhisnose.

Whydogiraffeshavelongnecks?

Theirfeetsmell.

Whatdidoneburpsaytotheother?

Let’sbestinkersandsneakouttheotherend.

(Ralph’sfavoritejoke)

Knockknock.

Who’sthere?

Rottenegg.

Rotteneggwho?

SPLATtheyolksonyou.

What’sbrownandsitsonapianostool?

Beethoven’slastmovement.

Whatdoyougetifyoucrossaskunkwithacuckoo?

Abirdthatstinksanddoesn’tgiveahoot.

Whatdoyoucallaflyingskunk?

Asmellicopter.

Whatisthefeelingthatyou’vesmelledacertainskunkbefore?

Déjàphew!

Nexttimeadoctortriestogiveyouaninjection,distractherwithafewofthesegoodies.

Doctor,Doctor,IthinkI’mapairofcurtains.

Well,pullyourselftogether.

DidyouhearaboutthemanwhoswallowedsomeChristmasdecorations?

Hegottinselitis.

Doctor,Doctor,what’sagoodcureforsnakebites?

Stopbitingsomanysnakes.

Whatdidthevampiredoctorsaytohispatients?

Necksplease.

Doctor,Doctor,canyougivemesomethingforwind?

Sure,takethiskite.

Whenisthebesttimetovisitthedentist?

Tooth-hurty.

Doctor,Doctor,peoplekeepignoringme.

Whosaidthat?

WhatisthemostcommonillnessinChina?

Kungflu.

Doctor,Doctor,youhavetohelpmeout.

Whichwaydidyoucomein?

Doctor,Doctor,IfeelasifI’mgettingsmaller.

You’lljusthavetobealittlepatient.

Doctor,Doctor,there’ssomethingwrongwithmytummy.

Keepyoursweateronandnobodywillnotice.

Agirlwalksintothedoctor’soffice.Shehasabananainherleftearandacarrotinherright.There’sapieceofceleryinonenostrilandasmall

potatointheother.

“Doctor,Ifeelterrible,”shesays.

“Well,yourproblemisobvious,”saysthedoctor.“You’reclearlynoteatingproperly.”

DoctorDoctor,IkeepthinkingI’mabell.

Takethismedicineand,ifitdoesn’twork,givemearing.

Doctor,Doctor,thisointmentismakingmyelbowsmart!

Thenmaybeyoushouldputsomeonyourhead!

Doctor,Doctor,I’vejustswallowedarolloffilm.

Sitinthesunshineandhopethatnothingdevelops.

Doctor,Doctor,IthinkIneedglasses.

Youcertainlydo,sir.Thisisaflowershop.

Doctor,Doctor,Ikeepseeinginsectsspinning.

Don’tworry.It’sjustabugthat’sgoingaround.

Davepaidme$1,soIlethimaddafewdinosaurjokestomybook.

Whatdoyoucalladinosaurwithoneeye?

Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

Whydidthedinosaurcrosstheroad?

Thereweren’tanychickensinthosedays.

Howdoyoustopadinosaurfromcharging?

Takeawayhiscreditcard.

Whatdoyoucalladinosaurwithabananaineachear?

Anythingyoulike.Hecan’thearyou.

WhydidtheTyrannosaurusRexgotothedoctor?

Hehadadino-sore.

Whatdoyougetwhendinosaurscrashtheircars?

Tyrannosauruswrecks.

WhatdoyoucallitwhenaTyrannosaurusRexgetstheballintothebackofthenet?

Adino-score.

WhatdoyougetwhenyoucrossaTyrannosaurusRexwithfireworks?

Dino-mite.

Whatwasthescariestprehistoricanimal?

TheTerror-dactyl.

Whatdiddinosaurshavethatnootheranimalseverhad?

Babydinosaurs.

WhatdoyoucallaTyrannosaurusRexthatsleepsallday?

Adino-snore.

WhydoTyrannosaurusRexliketoeatsnowmen?

Theymeltintheirmouths.

What’shugeandbumpsintomountains?

Adinosaurplayingblindman’sbuff.

Whatdoyoucalladinosaurwithnohead?

ATyrannosaurusNex.

Whatdoyougetifyoucrossadinosaurwithapig?

JurassicPork.

Howcanyoutellifadinosaurisavegetarian?

Liedownonaplate.

WhydidtheTyrannosaurusRexcrosstheroad?

Sohecouldeatthechickensontheotherside.

TheonlygoodthingaboutlivingnextdoortoMoodyMargaretisthatsheknowssomegoodjokes.There’sjustoneproblem…

Margaret:KnockKnock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Littleoldlady.

Susan:Littleoldladywho?

Margaret(yodelling):Littleoldladyooooh.

Margaret:KnockKnock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Abyssinia.

Susan:Abyssiniawho?

Margaret:AbyssiniawhenIgetback.

Margaret:KnockKnock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Canoe.

Susan:Canoewho?

Margaret:Canoeopenthedoor?It’scoldouthere.

Margaret:KnockKnock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Bella.

Susan:Bellawho?

Margaret:Bellabottomtrousers.

Margaret:KnockKnock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Dishes.

Susan:Disheswho?

Margaret:Dishesyourfriend.Letmein.

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Lettuce.

Susan:Lettucewho?

Margaret:Lettucein,it’sraining.

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Sorry.

Susan:Sorrywho?

Margaret:Sorry,wrongdoor.

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Boo.

Susan:Boowho?

Margaret:Don’tcry,it’sonlyajoke.

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Abby.

Susan:Abbywho?

Margaret:Abbystungmeonthebottom.

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Nun.

Susan:Nunwho?

Margaret:Nunofyourbusiness.

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Germaine.

Susan:Germainewho?

Margaret:Germaineyoudon’trecognizeme?

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Ron.

Susan:Ronwho?

Margaret:Ronasfastasyoucan!

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Ada.

Susan:Adawho?

Margaret:AdalotofbreakfastandI’mstuffed.

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Cowsgo.

Susan:Cowsgowho?

Margaret:Notheydon’t,theygomoo.

Margaret:Knockknock.

Susan:Who’sthere?

Margaret:Adjust.

Susan:Adjustwho?

Margaret:Adjustmadeamessonthefloor.

Icouldn’tstealanymoreoftheirjokesbecause…Aarrrggghhh!I’mgettingoutofhere!

“Howcomeyoualwaysgettogofirst?”saidSusansourly.“Becauseyoucan’ttelljokesandIcan,”saidMargaret.

“Icantootelljokes!”“Can’t!”“Can!”SLAP!SLAP!

Henry:Bert,whydidthechickencrosstheroad?Bert:Idunno.

Henry:There’snopointtellingyoujokes,Bert!Whydoyoualwaysanswer,“Idunno”?Bert:Idunno.

Whatdoyougetifyoucrossacentipedewithaparrot?

Awalkie-talkie.

Whatdoyoucallasheepwithnolegs?

Acloud.

Whydoduckshavewebbedfeet?

Tostampoutforestfires.

Whydoelephantshavebig,flatfeet?

Tostampoutflamingducks.

Whatgoes99-clonk,99-clonk,99-clonk?

Acentipedewithawoodenleg.

Howdoyouhireahorse?

Putabrickundereachhoof.

What’sworsethananalligatorwithatoothache?

Acentipedewithathlete’sfoot.

Howdoyouknowwhichendofawormisitshead?

Tickleitandseewhichendsmiles.

Whathas50legsbutcan’twalk?

Halfacentipede.

Whathasfourwheelsandflies?

Adumpster.

Whatdidtheslugsayasheslippeddownthewall?

Howslimeflies.

Whydidtheturkeycrosstheroad?

Itwasthechicken’sdayoff.

Howdoyouknowwhenthere’sanelephantunderyourbed?

Yournosetouchestheceiling.

What’sgrayandsquirtsjamatyou?

Amouseeatingadoughnut.

Whatdidtheteddybearsaywhenhewasoffereddessert?

Nothanks,I’mstuffed.

Howdoesanelephantgetupatree?

Sitsonanacornandwaitsforittogrow.

Howdoesanelephantgetdownfromatree?

Sitsonaleafandwaitsforittofall.

What’sblackandwhiteandredallover?

Azebrawitharash.

Wheredofrogskeeptheirmoney?

Inriverbanks.

Howlongshouldagiraffe’slegsbe?

Longenoughtotouchtheground.

What’sachicken’sfavoriteTVshow?

Thefeatherforecast.

Whydomiceneedoiling?

Theysqueak.

Whatbirdisalwaysoutofbreath?

Apuffin.

Whatdoyoucallacartonofducks?

Aboxofquackers.

What’safrog’sfavoritedrink?

Croak-a-Cola.

WhatdoyoucallacrocodileattheNorthPole?

Lost.

Howdoyoustopmolesfromdiggingupthegarden?

Hidetheirshovels.

Whatdoyoucallaflywithnowings?

Awalk.

Anelephantiswalkingthroughthejunglewhenheseesaturtlesittingbyalog.

“Hey,”saystheelephant,“you’retheturtlethatbitme57yearsago.”

“Howonearthdoyourememberthat?”askstheturtle.

“Easy,”saystheelephant,“I’vegotturtlerecall.”

IhateP.E.!IhateSportsDay,too,unlessofcourseIwineverything.ButAlpromisedtopickmeaheadofMargaretforsoccertodayifIlethimputsomejokesinmybook.It’llbeworthitjusttoseethelookon

Margaret’sgrumpy,misery-gutface!

WhyisCinderellabadatfootball?

Shehasapumpkinashercoach.

WhywasCinderellakickedoffthesoccerteam?

Shekeptrunningawayfromtheball.

Whatdidoneearwigsaytotheotherearwigastheyfelloutofatree?

Earwiggo,earwiggo,earwiggo.

Whatdoyoucallaboomerangthatdoesn’twork?

Astick.

Whatisaghost’sfavoritepositioninsoccer?

Ghoulkeeper.

WheredidtheGorillaplaybaseball?

Inthebushleagues,ofcourse!

Whatisthehardestpartaboutskydiving?

Theground.

Howisabaseballteamsimilartoapancake?

Theybothneedagoodbatter.

Howdidthesoccerfieldbecomeatriangle?

Somebodytookacorner.

Whydidthebasketballplayergotothedoctor?

Togetmoreshots.

Whathaseighteenlegsandcatchesflies?

Abaseballteam.

Howdidthebasketballcourtgetwet?

Theplayersdribbledalloverit.

Whatkindofcatsliketogobowling?

Alleycats.

Whydoelephantshavegraytrunks?

They’reallonthesameswimmingteam.

Whyisatennisgamesoloud?

Becausetheplayersraisearacquet.

WhyshouldSportsDaysneverbeheldinthejungle?

Therearetoomanycheetahs.

Whywasn’tthebasketballplayerinvitedtodinner?

Hedribbledtoomuch.

Whydidn’tthedoglikeswimming?

Itwasaboxer.

Whatpartofaswimmingpoolisneverthesame?

Thechangingrooms.

Wheredooldbowlingballsendup?

Thegutter.

Whathappenedwhentwoballsofstringhadarace?

Itendedinatie.

What’sAerobicAl’sfavoritesubjectinschool?

Jog-graphy.

Mom:Henry!I’vejusthadthestrangestcallfromAuntRuby…Henry:Hide!

Whatdoyoucallacannibalthatatehismother’ssister?

Anaunteater.

Whatdoyoucallareallyoldaunt?

Anaunt-ique!

Whydoyouputyourauntinthefridge?

TomakeAuntie-freeze.

Hasyourauntcaughtupwithyouyet?

No,butwhenshedoesI’mgoingtoneedalotofAuntie-septic.

Howdoyoumakeanti-freeze?

Hidehernightgown.

HowcanyoutellifAuntRuby’sbeentovisit?

She’sstillinthehouse.

Mom:Henry,we’rehavingAuntRubyforlunchthisSunday.

Henry:Can’twehaveroastbeefinstead?

Mom:Henry!WhydidyouputasluginAuntRuby’sbed?

Henry:Icouldn’tfindasnake.

AuntRuby:Goodness!It’srainingcatsanddogs.

Henry:Iknow.Inearlysteppedinapoodle.

AuntRuby:Well,Henry,I’mleavingtomorrow.Areyousorry?

Henry:Ohyes,AuntRuby,Ithoughtyouwereleavingtoday.

Thesejokesareguaranteedtosendteachersscreamingfromtheclassroom.Justdon’tblamemeifyougetsenttotheprincipal…

Whatdidtheinflatableteachersaytotheinflatableboywhobroughtapintotheinflatableschool?

You’veletmedown,you’velettheschooldown,butworstofall,you’veletyourselfdown.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry!Whatisgluemadeoutof?

Henry:Um…sticks.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry!WereyoucopyingSusan’sanswers?

Henry:No!Iwasjustseeingifshegotmineright.

Henry:Wouldyoublamesomeoneforsomethingtheydidn’tdo?

MissBattle-Axe:Ofcoursenot.

Henry:Good,Ididn’tdomyhomework.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry,IhopeIdidn’tseeyoucopyingClare.

Henry:Ihopeyoudidn’teither.

MissBattle-Axe:Linda!Whyareyoulateforschoolagain?

LazyLinda:Ioverslept.

MissBattle-Axe:Youmeanyousleepathomeaswell?

WhatwouldyougetifyoucrossedMissBattle-Axewithavampire?

Lotsofbloodtests.

MissBattle-Axe:William!You’veputyourshoesonthewrongfeet.

WeepyWilliam:Waaaah!ButthesearetheonlyfeetI’vegot.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry!Youmissedschoolyesterday,didn’tyou?

Henry:Notverymuch.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry!Ifyoumultiplied1497by371whatanswerwouldyouget?

Henry:Thewrongone.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry,wherearetheKingsandQueensofEnglandcrowned?

Henry:Ontheirheads.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry,makeupasentencewiththeword“lettuce”init.

Henry:Letusoutofschoolearly.

What’sthedifferencebetweenhomeworkandanonion?

Nobodycrieswhenyoucutuphomework.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry!I’msendingyouoffthesoccerfield.

Henry:Whatfor?

MissBattle-Axe:Therestofthematch.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry,whatisamushroom?

Henry:Theplacewheretheymakecafeterialunches.

Didyouhearaboutthecross-eyedteacher?

Hecouldn’tcontrolhispupils.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry!Whyareyoudoingaheadstandintheclassroom?

Henry:Yousaidweshouldturnthingsoverinourminds.

Henry:Iwishwelivedintheoldendays.

Ralph:Why?

Henry:Wewouldn’thavesomuchhistorytolearn.

MissBattle-Axe:Henry,Idowishyou’dpayalittleattention.

Henry:Believeme,I’mpayingaslittleasIcan.

MissBattle-Axe:That’sthemosthorridboyinthewholeschool.

Mom:That’smyson.

MissBattle-Axe:Oh,I’msosorry.

Mom:You’resorry?

“NO!Idon’twantPeter’sstupid,smellyjokesinmyjokebook.”“Don’tbehorrid,Henry!”

“IDON’TWANTPETER’SSTUPID,BABYJOKESINMYBOOK.ANDTHAT’SFINAL.”

“Henry,I’mwarningyou…”“NOOOOOOOO!”

“That’sit,Henry.NoTVforaweek.”“Ohallright.Hecanputinhisstupid,yuckyjokes.”

Psst.Listen,everyone,don’treadthem.They’reawful.Skipaheadtothenextsection.

What’sgreenandridesahorse?

AlexandertheGrape.

IthoughtIsaid,don’treadPeter’sdumbjokes!

Whydidthepicturegotojail?

Becauseitwasframed.

Whathappensifyoufallasleepunderacar?

Youwakeupoilyinthemorning.

Toldyoutheywereawful!Nowstopreading!

Whycouldn’tthesailorplaycards?

Thecaptainwasstandingonthedeck.

Howdochickensdance?

Chicktochick.

Groan.

Whydidthemanwithonehandcrosstheroad?

Togettothesecondhandshop.

Whydidthegermcrossthemicroscope?

Togettotheotherslide.

Whatdoyoucallavampirethatlivesinthekitchen?

Spatula!

HowdoyouuseanEgyptiandoorbell?

Justtoot-and-come-in.

What’sorangeandsoundslikeaparrot?

Acarrot.

Whatdoyougetifyoupourhotwaterdownarabbithole?

Hotcrossbunnies.

Youstillhere?Thenit’syourownfaultifyouhavetoreaddumbbunnyjokes.

Whatdoyoucallablindreindeer?

Noeyedeer.

Whydidtheelephantcrosstheroad?

Thechickenwasonvacation.

“Peter!That’smyjoke.Ialreadytoldit.”“It’smyjoke!Youstoleit.”

“Didnot.”“Didtoo.”

“MOMMMMMMMMM!”

Whydidthebubblegumcrosstheroad?

Itwasstucktothechicken’sfoot.

Howmuchdopiratespayfortheirearrings?

Buccaneer.

Whatdoyoucallapriestonamotorcycle?

Rev.

Wheredofrogshangtheircoats?

Inacroakroom.

Peter!That’stheworstjokeI’veeverheard.Crossitoutthisminute.

Whatdidthepolicemansaytohisbelly?

“You’reunderavest.”

What’ssevenfeettall,green,andsitsinthecorner?

TheIncredibleSulk.

Whatdoyoucallabearwithoutanear?

B.

Onlyanugly,smellytoadwouldfindthatfunny.

WhatdoestheSpanishfarmersaytohischickens?

“Ohlay!”

Whatdidthemartiansaytothegaspump?

TakeyourfingeroutofyourearwhenI’mtalkingtoyou.

Whenisatractornotatractor?

Whenitturnsintoafield.

WhenI’mking,anyonewhotellsanyofPeter’sstupidjokeswillgettrampledonbyelephants.Imeanit!

Howdoyouknowflowersarelazy?

Youalwaysfindtheminbeds.

WhathappenswhenyoudropagreenrockintheRedSea?

Itgetswet.

Aaarrrgghhh.

Whichpetmakesthemostnoise?

Atrum-pet.

They’refinished.Phew.Thatwashorrible.I’mgoingtogluethosepagestogethersonoonewilleverhavetosufferagain.

Yes!Nowsomerealjokes.

Whatdidtheconstipatedmathematiciando?

Hegotapencilandworkeditout.

Whatjumpsoutfrombehindasnowdriftandshowsyouhisbottom?

TheA-bum-inablesnowman.

Alittlegirlwetherselfinclassandtheteacheraskedherwhyshedidn’tputupherhand.

“Idid,Miss,butitranthroughmyfingers.”

Ifyou’reAmericanwhenyougointothebathroomandAmericanwhenyoucomeoutofthebathroom,whatareyouwhenyou’reinthetoilet?

European.

KnockKnock!

Who’sthere?

Doneup.

Doneupwho?

Youdidapoo?!

Didyouhearaboutthecannibalwhopassedhiscousininthewoods?

Whatdidtheelephantsaytothenakedman?

“Youcan’tpickup—”

“Henry!That’senough!Gotoyourroom!”

AbouttheAuthor

FrancescaSimon spent her childhood on the beach in California and thenwenttoYaleandOxfordUniversitiestostudymedievalhistoryandliterature.She now lives in London with her family. She has written over forty-fivebooksandwontheChildren’sBookoftheYearin2008attheGalaxyBritishBookAwardsforHorridHenryandtheAbominableSnowman.

AbouttheIllustrator

Tony Ross is one of Britain’s best known illustrators, with many picturebookstohisnameaswellaslinedrawingsformanyfictiontitles.HelivesinCheshire.