horses for courses, weather induced mania and the inevitable silencing of his masters voice

7/29/2019 Horses for courses, weather induced mania and the inevitable silencing of His Masters Voice.

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16/02/2013 22:24The Weekly Cardigan: 3 dampcardigan

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The Weekly Cardigan: 3

Posted by Damp Cardigan on January 18, 2013 1 Comment

Horses for courses, weather induced mania and the inevitable silencing of His Masters Voice.

Its been a strange old week on planet earth. With the information highway now the preferredsource of all news the speed of which even the most trivial of stories is passed around can onlybe matched by the swiftness of fully formed opinions. For the majority these events are learned

about through the dangerous medium of social media where the facts so easily becomeunwilling victims of digital Chinese whispers.

On the flip-side of this is the wealth of comedy that certain stories can unlock involvingwonderful use of the English language usually devoid from stuffy new reports. Armingyourselves with the facts can go a long way in an argument. However, plundering a fullystocked arsenal of puns can help you win it.

So we learned this week that Tesco sell beef burgers that are not strictly 100% beef. This isnt anenormous revelation in its own right as the content of processed meat products has long been

the subject of scrutiny by militant vegetarians. The revelatory aspect of this story comes fromwhat they are alleged to have been using as a beef substitute in times of dwindling cow
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supplies. Apparently, someone with too much time on their hands has discovered the presenceof horse DNA which sent the entire county into opinion meltdown.

Now, this story doesnt affect me directly as I live with a non-militant vegetarian who doesntcook. My interest in this stemmed from the fascination people displayed especially on socialnetworking sites. Do we care about the six western hostages killed this week when Algerian

forces stormed an al-Quaida controlled compound without warning sending our fuck-facedprime minister into a fit of PR sanctioned fury? Nope, we need to know more about what weshovel into our ignorant, self-satisfied faces.

The British publics redemption was earned solely in the extreme punning displayed. Here are afew of my personal favourites.

You can take a horse to water but you cant make it meat.All these people slagging off Tesco. Just a bunch neigh sayers.HORSE MEAT IN TESCO BURGERS!!! What next, My Lidl Pony?

As you can see here we enjoy nothing more than taking the piss.

In more unsurprising news it was confirmed this week that music retailer H.M.V had finallygone into administration putting thousands of jobs at risk and an even bigger smile on thealready smug enough face of the internet. After 84 years of trading it has finally succumbed tomonster that is online retailing. Realistically, unless you are employed by H.M.V, there isnt agreat deal to be sad about. All we are really losing is an overpriced store used exclusively forlast minute panic buying and a meeting place for kids desperate to be individuals but ultimatelyall look the same. There is no nostalgic longing to be attached to this as the romantic idea of a

record store where discoveries could be made died a long time ago. If anything this could beviewed as a result for independent retailers where one might find the dregs of a forgotten timestill searching for deleted Frank Zappa records.

The most important development of the week has been the discovery of a strange and worryingphenomenon that, while it may look innocent, has the power to bring an entire country to astandstill. Scientists have christened this cloud based terrorist snow. Its become apparent thatother countries have been experiencing this cloud induced holocaust for many years and havedeveloped innovative coping strategies such as stop fucking whinging and get to work and I

dont need my computer to tell me whats going on outside due to me owning a fucking window. As I sithere, in work, sheltered from the white evil trying desperately to penetrate my fragile defences Ienvy those prisoners of war under house arrest. If only I had been blessed with the foresight tocall my employers and spin a haunting tale of snow-based malevolence rendering me unable toleave the house from fear of, dare I say it, being a bit cold. I know better than to needlesslyfrighten my colleagues like that.

So there you go. You can take that week to the bank or file it under weird or other metaphors aswell. Were really ploughing through them now. With the inevitable passing of time newopportunities will present themselves. Seasons will always change and when they do you canbe sure of an army of meteorological commentators ready to tell you whats happening outsideyour windowless world. More shit will be found where it doesnt belong and the high-street


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will continue its plunge into 21st Century irrelevance. Youll all be there armed to the teeth withsharpened indignations and shiny new puns hungry at the prospect of more whimsical news.So hungry in fact, you could probably eat a horse or something.

Phil Watson.

Filed under Blogging, Digital Media, Facebook, Funny, Humour, Journalism, News, SocialNetworking Tagged with 21st Century, Chinese Whispers, DNA, Facebook, H.M.V, Hipsters,His Masters Voice, Horse DNA in Burgers, Jobs, Music, News, Punning, Puns, Snow, SocialMedia, Social Netwroking, Tesco, Tesco Horse Meat in Burgers, Twitter, Weather, work,Writing

Comments

One Response to The Weekly Cardigan: 31. Ang Stockwell says:

January 18, 2013 at 7:42 pm (Edit)Great review of the week! Love the My Lidl Pony! Excellent punning!!!

Reply

dampcardigan These, are the facts.

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horses for courses, weather induced mania and the inevitable silencing of his masters voice

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