how families can help
TRANSCRIPT
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How Families Can Help Recovery
Irene Cauwels Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Certified Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist Certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor
National Certified Counselor
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How will you know when person is on the “Right Track?”
• He/She demonstrates both accountability and responsibility
• As a family member, count on changed behavior instead of promises
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Healthy Families
• Communicate and Listen • Affirm and Support • Shared Trust and Values • Expectations are Clear and Discussed • All members are Accountable/Responsible • Have Shared Responsibilities • Understanding of where my behavior/feelings start and yours end. • Teach understanding of how behavior affects others
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Healthy Families
• Admit to and seek help with problems • Play and share appropriate humor • Shared table time, leisure activities • Teach understanding of how behavior
affects others • Have Traditions, Rituals • Have community connections, both
individually and collectively
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Unhealthy Families Have Rules
• Do as I say, not as I do
• Children are to be seen and not heard
• Express only happy, positive feelings
• Do what “looks good” even if dishonest
• Never question behavior, go along with it
• Conform to our expectations
• Ignore what you don’t like and it will go away
• Your needs are not as important as our needs
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Unhealthy Family Rules • Rigidity – Control, Perfectionism
• Silence – Don’t talk, don’t cause a fight
• Isolation – Can’t say anything so I separate; Can’t connect because I’m pretending
• Denial – deny 5 freedoms: Perceive, Think and Interpret; Feel, Want and Choose; Imagine
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Addiction is a Brain Disease - from NIDA.NIH.GOVIn other words, it’s pretty difficult to choose appropriate behavior when the brain is not functioning!
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Addiction is a Brain Disease – from NIDA.NIH.GOV This image demonstrates something really amazing - how just the mention of items associated with drug use may cause an addict to crave or desire drugs.
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Addiction is a Chronic Progressive Disease that
needs all four areas addressed:
• Biological (abstinence, healthy nutrition, relapse prevention medication
• Psychological (new skills to manage moods, stress, old habits, triggers)
• Social (new connections focused on healthy activities, community, interests, social support
• Spiritual (addressing the emptiness)
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The Person with addiction: • Is a bundle of unresolved feelings • Often unaware of feelings or how to manage • Blames others for challenges • Denial, Defensive, Angry on surface – shame, lonely, isolated, fear due to loss of control underneath • Resists change, Self-Centered, Compulsive • Becomes the center of attention because family is focusing on keeping person safe, learning to say “no” to person
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The Person with Addiction: • Becomes the center of attention because family is focusing on keeping person safe, learning to say “no” to person
• Can’t tolerate feelings so can’t tolerate others’ feelings
• Denies but knows he/she is source of family shame, arguments
• Loses control over life but gains control over family
• Family learns to plan life around IP
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The person with addiction often says: “I have a hole in my soul”
• “I have an illness with origins in the brain... but I also suffered with the other component of this illness. I was born what I like to call a hole in my soul... a pain that came from the reality that I just wasn‘t’t good enough. That I wasn’t deserving enough. That you weren’t paying attention to me all the time. That maybe you didn’t like me enough. For us addicts, recovery is more than just taking a pill... Recovery is also about the spirit, about dealing with that hole in the soul.” • William C. Moyers, a recovery addict (son of journalist Bill Moyers)
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To make up for the Chaos, a loving family member may
become an enabler • Usually emotionally closest Family Peacekeeper • Feels job is to protect Patient so makes excuses, takes over responsibilities and rescues IP from negative consequences • Initially out of love/loyalty then from shame • Often appears capable and strong to outsiders • Feels powerless, helpless; low self-esteem
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What Real Families Need To Be Healthy:
1. Legitimate source of authority 2. Stable rule system 3. Nurturing Behaviors 4. Effective childrearing and marriage-
focusing behaviors 5. Set of Goals (both family-wide and
individual) 6. Flexibility and adaptability to cope
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How will you know when person is on the “Right Track?”
• Honesty
• Accountability and Responsibility!
• Behavior instead of Promises
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Commitments to Family Should Be: 1. Abstinence from ALL
addictive, mood-altering substances
2. Daily behavior changes 3. Learn to tolerate discomfort 4. Develop effective
communication skills and problem solving
5. Develop relapse prevention skills and share with family
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How Family members can be healthy 1. Recognize there is a
problem 2. Know that YOU will also
have to change 3. Remember ALL Change is
uncomfortable - families often get ANGRIER as patient gets HEALTHIER
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How YOU can be healthy 1. Practice setting
Boundaries 2. NO MORE SHAME 3. Be willing to focus on
PRESENT behaviors not the past
4. Communicate - including positive changes you see
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How YOU can be healthy • No one should attempt to navigate this journey alone . . • Learn self-care • Seek support from professionals • Attend 12-step for yourself • Attend Family Nights to learn more about managing this disease
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What else can YOU do to be healthy • There are many different 12-step supports for families: • 12-step attendees are all volunteers; not the same as professional support • Alanon
• Open 12-step meetings
• Families Anonymous