How to Heal a Passive AggressiveMarriage

We all dream of happiness, right?

When you dream of happiness, you tend to envision a relationshipwhere there is a fair share of give and take. Mutual support is expectedand welcomed. It is very easy to imagine and expect attention, careand permanent interest from a spouse. Whatever our past experiences,this is what everybody dreams...

Why marry, otherwise? if both parties are grown ups, then they knowwhat they need and expect from the most important life relationship,that is marriage.

When the inevitable problems appear, if the two are mature enoughthey will know how to talk about their needs and then negotiate withthe spouse a shared decision about possible solutions. This is, in anutshell, what healthy marriages are up to: a search for solutions tosolve both partners’ needs.

Sometimes there is a break and this implicit contract never happens.If isolation and loneliness set in, intimacy disappears in utter silence,and the spouse is surprised, and shocked. This is not what wasexpected! Why one of them is withdrawing into himself?

Perhaps it is easier to attribute this situation to the role learningprocess where both people need to adapt to their new role as spouses.The lessons of marriage are not just learned in the first month!

Sometimes the situation keeps going on with long silences, andfeelings not expressed. Frustration and resentment grow like a badweed and the initial promise of marriage is seen as a cruel joke.

What happened? Living together in the same space pushes bothspouses to deal with previously ignored issues: how much proximity?Where are personal limits drawn? How to negotiate intimacy withoutfeeling invaded or controlled?

What we are doing, unconsciously, is to put into play the only ruleswe have learned in life: the ways in which our own parents did theirmarriage. We saw them, their distance or proximity; their ways ofreflecting trust or satisfaction for being in each other's company.

“Recovering from Passive Aggression”© Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc.

http://www.creativeconflicts.com

Probably their lack of communication skills was painful: when therewas a problem that needed a candid approach to be solved, they didn'tknow what to do. Retreating into silence and expecting the other tounderstand without words is one of the traps of marriage.

In the "expecting to be magically understood by the other myth," thereis a party who believes that the other side bears the responsibility forinitiating contact, opening up issues and offering solutions.

From their own side, they feel safe in silence and don't recognize theimpact this silence has on the other, coming across as carelessnessand callous indifference. If this "clamming up" is constant, and thereare no bridges to rescue the intimacy, then one person in this coupleis using passive aggressive behavior to send a message of frustrationand resentment.

You could be immersed in a long term relationship that brings youconfusion, isolation or anger for ever without realizing that this kind ofpain is a product of your partner's passive aggressive communicationstyle.

A passive aggressive intimate connection is a sad paradox. It is as if, inthe middle of our constant search for love, companionship and support,we found instead a huge dark cloud that says:

"My job is to drive you crazy with confusion and frustration. I willpervert and block all your steps towards reaching love in such a waythat it will be impossible for you to discover who did it and how it wasdone...meanwhile I'm professing love and devotion to you."

This is the challenge presented by the passive aggressive person'sconstant emotional sabotage, which has the objective of sustain apermanent resistance to any deep intimacy, trust and union.

Why does this happen? It's difficult to accept, but some people are soscared of being deeply loved, that they will unconsciously frustrate allsteps towards intimacy and connection.

You need to consider this possibility, if you are confronted with undueisolation and rejection in your daily-married life. To be able to identifythis behavior, you need to know the multiple ways in which this passiveaggression will rear its ugly face.

Perhaps if we review some of them, we can begin to offer you astrategy to understand how it happens and so reduce the damage. Letme count the ways...

“Recovering from Passive Aggression”© Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc.

http://www.creativeconflicts.com

1.- IF you feel confused after attempting to clarify things with him:Probably you are fed a lot of contradictory messages.

• On one level: He'll say his actions stem from good intentions;he wants to provide support;• On another level: He does "forget" his commitments andprovides silly excuses.

Your Response:This indicator is a good one, because your confusion is a real, validsignal of what is going on. Trust your brain, and recognize that you areliving with a "confusion machine," and thus you can begin to protectyourself. Take your confusion seriously and fill your mind with clarity:

• Write on your diary;• Go for a walk to think about your life goals;• Think on how do you want to feel;• Do your breathing exercises and feel whole inside;• Talk with a friend who admires you.

2.- IF he is always focused on the negative aspects of everything,his attitude is dampening your enthusiasm. Nothing of what you saycan make him feel positive about shared projects. He will challengeyour skills, abilities and resources. So you are forced to work twice inorder to get his support and convince him that projects are doable.Meanwhile, where has all the joy of dreaming gone?

Your Response:You need to be sure of your own merits and accomplishments, and beproud of them. Remind yourself constantly about your good qualities,before it's too late and you begin to accept your partner's miseryframing as the mirror with which you perceive yourself.

• Catch yourself when you begin to tell yourself that nothing ispossible and tell yourself to stop!

• Do some breathing exercises and tell yourself how good youare at what you do.

• Keep your good friends around, so they can also remind you ofyour good qualities.

3.- Sabotaging your best projects: Because your partner willperceive your projects as threatening the amount of attention now

“Recovering from Passive Aggression”© Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc.

http://www.creativeconflicts.com

allocated to him, she/he will sabotage them. If you show enthusiasmand excitement for some personal project, it is sure that you willreceive negative opinion, criticism and put down comments.

Your Response:Don't expect or want anything important, fundamental, or vital froma PA partner, at least at the beginning. If you show enthusiasm andhigh expectations, your project will be nipped in the bud. If you canpresent the most fabulous ideas with a blank face, then you'll likely toget what you want. Learn to control any visible emotional connectionor desire, while you move ahead with your projects simultaneously.

4.- Giving you the "Cold shoulder..." What is the cold shoulder?"Maintenance of aloof silence as an expression of one's anger ordisapproval: a deliberate discourteous act." Are you getting the silenttreatment, but you don't know why? He used to speak to you in anormal way, but now he is keeping conversations with you (not withhis friends) to the bare minimum? This can be hurtful, frustrating andends up destroying your self-esteem.

Your Response:

Think this reaction is his choice, because he could behave in a differentway if he chooses, and that this behavior is not revealing or confirminganything about your value as a person.

You are not responsible for his behavior, he is deciding to be cold anddistant and controlling. It is not about anything you did! If he has adisagreement with your actions, he needs to tell you, speak up andresolve the issue; this is not the right behavior!

Again, detaching yourself, having your own projects and friends, andmanaging your own sources of appreciation and recognition can helpyou protect your core from the isolation forced unjustly on you. Whenyou feel stronger, perhaps you would try to confront him by explainingthe impact that this behavior has on you, and on the future of yourrelationship.

IN SHORT:

Living with a person who relates in this way can induce pain, confusionand loneliness. Regardless of that, if his good qualities are what youappreciate in him, you might decide to focus only on his good aspectsand try to make an effort to develop a stable and long term relationshipwithin the limits of his responses. Accept what he can give; don't

“Recovering from Passive Aggression”© Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc.

http://www.creativeconflicts.com

expect what he can't and be in the lookout of alternative sources ofsupport for your own self-esteem needs.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver andtrainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Ifyou are interested in learning how to live a better life,free from hidden aggression, we give you the tools to behappier!

Being in a passive aggressive marriage is a tough challenge!

To help navigate this difficult path, you have lots of help and supportin the ebook: "Recovering from Passive Aggression."

“Recovering from Passive Aggression"!...

“Recovering from Passive Aggression”© Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc.

http://www.creativeconflicts.com