www.michellebowden.com.au How to Present Magazine November 2011 1

NOVEMBER 2011

IN THIS ISSUEMark Bunn shares his tips for presenting in businessPower wordsClose with a SIZZLE!Manage your nervesImages on slidesAnswering questionsEngage your audience

PLUS: Parents Corner Success Stories

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Michelle’sUpdateWelcome to the November issue of How to Present. This issue is packed with articles that will assist you to present with greater confidence and influence at work.

Michelle Bowden Enterprises has had a huge month in October! I’ve been speaking and training up a storm and November promises to be another very busy month. If you’re planning to work with me in 2012 now’s the time to tell me as I’m already nearly fully booked until April 2012.

What do you do when you don’t know the answer to a question? I’ve shared some tips with you to help you with this concern. And why is it that people are so terrified of public speaking in general? Keep reading to learn the answer.

Check out our latest handsome fox on the cover this month! Mark Bunn is one of my favourite corporate presenters and he’s a guru when it comes to health and wellbeing. Mark is an ex-AFL footballer and one of the nicest men I know. His excellent book Ancient Wisdom for Modern Health is beside my bed and I read it often so I stay motivated to do what’s right for my body and so I’ll stay fit and healthy and happy for as long as I can. I think you’ll enjoy his tips for presenting in business.

PLUS I’ve shared some of my PowerPoint Tips, tips for closing with a sizzle, using Power Words, the role of the Icebreaker as well as Justin Coulson’s Tips for Families, Lorna Patten’s Tips for what to do if you’re feeling stuck, and some inspiring success stories.

So grab yourself a ’cuppa’, put your feet up and have a read! And most importantly, make sure you put the invaluable advice into immediate action so you see some fast results.

Happy Presenting!

Who is Michelle Bowden?

Michelle is an expert in influential

presentation skills in business. She

has run her 2-day Influential Presentation Skills program over

575 times with many thousands of

people and she’s been nominated

for Educator of the Year 3 years

running. Michelle is one of only 25

Australian females who is a

Certified Speaking Professional -

the highest designation for

speakers in the world. For a list of

Michelle’s clients please go to:

www.michellebowden.com.au

DIARYDATE

INFLUENTIAL PRESENTATION SKILLS(2-day Public Program)

Join Michelle at her next public program IN SYDNEY:

• November 22-23 (full)• December 13-14 (only 3 places left)

To register or chat about your specific needs please email:michelle@michellebowden.com.au

www.michellebowden.com.au How to Present Magazine November 2011 3

CECILIA MACAULAYSPEAKER/AUTHORPERMACULTURE EXPERT

For 19 years, Cecilia Macaulay has been introducing Australian Permaculture to corporate Japan. Using ‘Permanent Agriculture’ as a metaphor, she shows how to use ‘design power’, rather than willpower, to trick ourselves into getting things done, caring for ourselves properly, and as a side effect, creating a cared-for world.

What kind of presenting do you do at work?

I've been presenting mostly in Japanese, to corporate executives, local government, and community groups. They turn up not knowing what to expect of Permaculture Design or of

myself, they just have faith it will be somehow fresh and useful.

What do you mean by permanent agriculture?

I use 'Permanent Agriculture' as a metaphor for how people can change their own culture, how to de-trap their lives of wasted time, wasted energy, and wasted communication. Because I'm showing them a new world, my presentations depend heavily on my slides. I've spent decades gathering images in my travels - amazing architecture, no-tech gadgets, and ingenious little eco-systems. The idea is that whether its a garden, an office, or a share-house, creatures are arranged to work together, so they help each other without cost to themselves, while bothering each other as little as possible. These visuals and my illustrations almost speak for themselves, but what happens if I have no technology available? I need to be able to present using words alone.

SUCCESS STORIES!

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SUCCESS STORIES What prompted you to attend Michelle's Influential Presentation Skills program?

I've just moved from Tokyo to Sydney. Its about time I started presenting in English, to Aussies.! But how do I market myself to organizations, when most people think Permaculture is just organic gardening? The line "Things go better with Cecilia" might work in Japan, but not here.! This winter I was at an event when a quiet lady beside me asked me what I did. I was a bit sheepish telling her I've spend my life getting skilled at Permaculture, something I don't know how to promote to the audiences I hope to speak to. She asked a few questions. "See Michelle Bowden" she said, "then see me". It turns out she was from the top Speakers bureau in the country - Saxton Speakers Bureau.!

I thought presentation skills were the least of my problems, but contacted Michelle anyway. Michelle called back with one of the most skillful 'influencing' conversations I've had the pleasure of hearing.! Afterwards I analysed our conversation and realised "I’ve just got $1000 of value from 10 minutes on the phone with this lady. I only need to get another $1000 value from the 2 day course. Easy".! I signed up.

How did Michelle's program change your attitude to presenting in business?

Now I have a firm structure I can use, one that will work, once I get the hang of it.! Until now I've been depending on charm, inspiration, enthusiasm, and on the energy of the audience.

These are ephemeral things. They only work on specially selected audiences, small audiences, and well-lit audiences. Simply hoping these powers will show up on cue is rather frightening for the speaker, and leaves me over-adrenalized afterwards.

I teach people how to save their energy, and waste my own doing so! I will be able to speak to a broader audience, more concisely, and make a firmer connection to everyone.

In general, what positive outcomes have you achieved from improving your presentation skills?

I didn't expect this outcome, but after seeing Michelle in action, I want my career to focus LESS on presentations. I will continue crafting my keynote so it is excellent, but I now have my heart set on one day doing what Michelle does: exquisitely prepared training programs.! I've now got this vision of making illustrated workbooks, the follow-up step-by-step video for when participants loose their way, right down to!the follow up text message she sent me after a hard day's training that said: "You should be proud of yourself, sleep well".!

Just last week something strange happened - a government organization I presented to is now trying to find a way for me to create such a 'design skills' training program for their clients. It may not all come true so quickly, but I've always run my life on miracles.

So far, so good.

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How have your presentation skills improved since completing Michelle's training?

Giving myself permission to make eye contact, to connect with individual members of the audience is the most dramatic gift from Michelle's training. It both energizes and relaxes the audience and myself, and its a pleasure. Yet looking at videos of my past presentations, I just wasn't doing it.

Another instant, dramatic improvement was in eliciting and answering questions skillfully. I've always made question time a large part of my

presentations, as I love the surprise of what comes up, I love improvising.

Now I see that while I was enjoying myself, there were about 10 essentials that I just wasn't doing, such as repeating the question, answering the whole audience, rewarding the questioner. In my very next presentation, without even trying, I did everything according to the Michelle method. The full tango.

I wish she was there to see it.

SUCCESS STORIES (CONT.)

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Applying Michelle's 13 step structure is actually quite a war for me, as she and I both knew it would be. The airy, flexible, improvising part of myself that has always saved the day is fighting to keep its position, as sovereign of my public speaking life.! It’s so hard to tell this old part of myself that it can retire now, that I've found a sturdy replacement.! I'm still on trainer wheels implementing the structure, but I can see its going to be worth it, so I persist.!

The rules and structures she gives you for clear, persuasive speaking don't just take over your brain. They take over your kitchen walls.!It gets worse, because she choreographed a dance, so the kinesthetic learner in us remembers the 13 steps, even if our brain doesn't.!!

"Pace, Pace, Pace, Lead! Reduce, Maintain Improve..." So now I've got a new kitchen sink dance, to entertain the passing ferries with.

What were your top three take aways from Michelle's program?

1. Become the number one expert in your field. It’s worth it.!

2. Deliver to a diversity of learning styles, not just your preferred style. Its glaringly obvious that I'm a visual learner and teacher so I’m really strong at the visual side of things and visual learners have always loved my style of presenting. From now on I will play the game of making sure kinesthetic learners get a firm grasp of Permaculture, and make sure the audio-learners in the audience hear the full range of the Permaculture message.

3. Work as a team, that's the way humans are designed. The two day course is challenging. It reveals weaknesses you've been desperately hiding from yourself, then shows you how to overcome them. It also reveals that each participant has natural talents that just blow the other members away - everyone had something different.! So the moral is to work with other people, its impossible and unnecessary to be excellent at everything.

For more information on Permaculture and it’s role in your business and personal life go to www.ceciliamacaulay.com.au

SUCCESS STORIES (CONT.)

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Many people have a fear of public speaking. In general, public speaking moves people out of their comfort zone and I think many people are scared of stuffing up! We don’t want to look stupid and lose respect. When the stakes are high the fear is high too.

Some people cope with their fear of public speaking by making PowerPoint slides the focus of their presentation. They read from or rely on their slides, which is not ideal if you are trying to influence your audience. I once observed a sales manager present at a conference. His role was to influence the audience to buy his product. He made the classic mistake of putting up the first slide, with a small group of numbers printed neatly in the bottom right hand corner. It said 1/46! So what? Well, the duration of the presentation was only 45 minutes! That was more than one slide per minute. What followed is commonly called ‘death by PowerPoint’ – too many slides, with too much information that people couldn’t read even if they tried.

It’s common for people to use their slides as a way of moving the focus off themselves. The problem with this approach is that the audience doesn’t often respond well and it can make you MORE nervous! As I watched the audience to see how they would respond I saw people writing notes to each other and even folding paper aeroplanes! Eleven people got up to go to the bathroom during his presentation, even though the lunch break followed. I would bet my house on the fact that no one heard what he said, no one cared what he said and no one would have decided to buy his product on the basis of his presentation. It doesn’t matter how good your message is if no one’s listening. Opportunity lost! What a shame - if only he had turned off the projector and just talked with the people in the audience - he would have had some instant fans!

Of course, some cope with their fear of public speaking by doing their best to avoid presenting all together, perhaps to the detriment of their career development. Another opportunity lost.

I really believe that most people are more nervous then they need to be, simply because they have no idea what they are ‘supposed’ to be doing to manage their nerves.

There are three phases to an exceptional presentation:1. Analysis2. Design3. Delivery

When you know what you need to know about all three phases you’ll actually enjoy presenting - really! Effective management of public speaking nerves is absolutely a process that can be learnt. Start by remembering that it’s not about you - it’s all about the audience.

Stay tuned for more posts on managing nerves and your fear of public speaking.

WHYARE PEOPLE TERRIFIED OF PUBLIC SPEAKING?BY MICHELLE BOWDEN

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The Q&A section of a presentation can strike fear and terror into the hearts of even the most seasoned presenter. What will you do if someone asks you a question and you can’t answer it?

There are a few things to consider if you don’t know the answer to a question:

1. Don’t fake it! Your audience is smart and you will break rapport by lying to them.

2. Buy some time. You could buy some time with Satir’s ‘Computer’ posture (also known by some as the ‘thinker’), where you place one arm across your body with the other elbow resting on your hand and the other hand against your face. This

slows proceedings and gives you time to think about what to do.

3. Then, throw the question to the group...

4. Or you could postpone the answer. Simply explain you will need time to look into the correct answer (or ask your colleague at the office about that one as they are the expert in that specific point) and will get back to them by … (give a specific time).

These tips work! Good luck!

DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER TO A QUESTION?BY MICHELLE BOWDEN

Power words are action verbs. They are words that you can use to help make your statements stronger. By using action verbs, you can assume an active voice instead of a passive voice as you speak. I suggest you consider using some relevant power words in your presentation so you increase the strength of your message.

Here are just some examples of power words:

Abated, Abbreviated,

Abolished, Abridged, Absolved, Absorbed, Accelerated, Acclimated, Accompanied, Accomplished, Achieved, Acquired, Acted, Activated, Actuated, Adapted, Added, Addressed, Adhered, Adjusted, Administered, Admitted, Adopted, Advanced, Advertised, Advised, Advocated, Affected, Aided, Aired, Allocated, Altered, Amended.

POWER WORDSBY MICHELLE BOWDEN

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Have you ever found yourself sitting in the audience in a meeting wondering, ‘What credentials and experience does this speaker have?’, ‘What’s the agenda and scope of this meeting?’, ‘How long is this going for and will there be catering?’ or ‘When can I ask questions or raise my concerns and opinions?’

As a presenter, have you ever had people interrupt you during your meetings with unrelated questions that take you down a path you didn’t want to go down? Or have you experienced people having side conversations that disrupt the rest of the group and draw people’s attention away from you as the presenter?

Some of the most common disruptions in business presentations are mobile phones ringing and/or people reading their text messages in what they think is a secretive way. (It makes me laugh that they believe you can’t see them doing it!) Actions such as these indicate that the person is at least somewhat disengaged from your presentation. These interruptions can be very annoying and off putting, for both the presenter and the rest of the audience. They can even make us feel nervous, especially when you don’t know how to manage them or stop them happening in the first place.

How can I reduce disruptions and increase people’s attention?

You know, I believe that most inappropriate audience behaviour found in meetings, training courses and presentations occurs due to a lack of boundary setting. When you don’t set the boundaries for your audience, they don’t know the scope, timeframe, logistics or anything about your experience or credentials. They are also not sure about what would be considered acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. As a result you can find yourself having to manage what I call ‘dysfunctional’ behaviour.

It is very important to set the boundaries for your audiences, so that your participants know who you are, what your session is all about, what to expect and how to behave.

Setting boundaries will reduce disruptions, maintain order in your meetings and improve your audience’s ability to listen and ultimately change their behaviour. Essentially, you will better control and relax your audience. Boundary setting is otherwise known as ‘framing’.

What boundaries do I need to set?

I recommend you set some of the following boundaries or frames; role, department, company, credentials, length of the presentation, content, phone etiquette, when to ask questions, if there will be a test, scope, style, to take notes, that there will be a handout.

Be sure to try this in your business meetings especially - it will help to keep your proceedings on track and people might even look forward to your next meeting - really! Good luck!

CONTROL YOUR AUDIENCEBY MICHELLE BOWDEN

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FEELING STUCK?BY LORNA PATTEN

If you are feeling stuck - irrespective of your situation, circumstances or environment - the key to getting unstuck is inside you.

Feeling stuck is just that - a feeling, not the truth about anything other than the feeling of being stuck.

The truth is, you are never really stuck ... you just feel like you are. And herein lies the quintessential secret to inner peace and happiness ... you are the one who chooses what you are feeling, what you are thinking and what you are doing as a result of all that thinking and feeling. When you are feeling stuck and you agree with the feeling, you then experience your reality as being stuck. And on it goes ... thinking what you are feeling is the truth, gathering evidence to support your truth and then feeling more stuck than ever!

How to get unstuck? Simple - and as with most of life's twists and turns ... not so easy at first.

As with most things the first step is to stop ... take a breath and BE where you are ... remember who you are: magnificent, powerful, lovable, valuable being ... feel what you are feeling and observe yourself in your process ...

keep breathing and allowing yourself the BE where you are, observe your thoughts ... observe your feelings and let the energy move through you ... keep breathing until you feel a shift in your energy ...Then ask yourself: "What's really going on?" "What do I need to know?" and simply sit and wait for whatever comes to you. Whatever it is, it will show you the way back to love and peace and joy.

Lorna Patten from Open Up Communication is widely respected as an expert working with business owners, managers and teams to create open, honest and responsible communication. Compassionate and dynamic, Lorna rigorously challenges you to think differently about the way things are and how they could be. When you engage with Lorna, she will confront you with truths that are truly life changing. www.openup.com.au

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CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR YOUR CLIENTS WITH FLAIR...It’s that time of the year again when you need to think of something that will be unique and loved by your clients for Christmas.

For the past f e w y e a r s n o w I ’ v e been giving my c l ients d e l i c i o u s o l i v e o i l s , w i n e , d re s s i n g s , j a m s a n d sauces from t h e v e r y memorable

Blacklea Vineyard in Mudgee, NSW which is run by Bernard and Gai Blackley.

Winners of many medals for their home grown olives, they personally, with great care, hand-make everything in their kitchen to ensure the highest quality.

The flavours are unique and they even provide recipes that I laminate with my logo so people

know how to use their gift and impress their guests at t h e i r n e x t dinner party!

W i t h t h e s e p r o d u c t s - anyone can be a top chef and W O W t h e i r guests!

I am inundated with joyous votes of thanks each year from my clients who really do LOVE these gifts - especially the Caramelised Balsamic Vinegar which is a reasonable price and quite simply ‘to die for’!

So now my secret is out - and my secret can be your secret too! Try these products as Christmas gifts this year - you and your clients and friends will be delighted!

www.blackleavineyard.com.au

If you have thought of a metaphor to bring your message to life and need to illustrate it in a clever visual way, go to www.123rf.com/stock-photo/metaphors.html or any other similar site where all these creative

people have done the hard work to come up with a creative way to illustrate a metaphor. Why not have a look? Certain images are royalty free.

ILLUSTRATING YOUR METAPHORS WITH PICTURES

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YOU VERSUS IBY MICHELLE BOWDEN

It’s actually quite common for presenters to say things like, ‘I think…’, or, ‘I want you to…’ or, ’I need you to…’ when they present. It’s wise to stop and think about what that’s like for your audience when you say ‘I this’ or ‘I that’. Please remember: if there’s one main point you take away from this magazine make sure it is this: ‘It’s not about me. It’s all about the audience!’

Your audience isn’t generally interested in what you think, what you want or what you need. Your audience is more caught up with what they think, what they want and what they need!

So when you communicate at work, make sure that you use words that include, incorporate or ‘bring in’ your audience and help them feel that you are there for them, not separate to them, not demanding of them. These words help with the ‘esprit de corps’ in your audience.

When people feel included and equal or similar, they will generally feel a stronger rapport or

connection with you. This means they’ll be more likely to do what you want and change their behaviour if you ask them to.

Instead of saying, ‘I think’, ‘I want’, ‘I need’, which may appear selfcentered, self-indulgent and demanding, and not audience-focused, try saying ‘you’, ‘your’, ‘our’, ‘together’ and ‘we’.

Have you heard of SLIDEMASTER? They specialise in creating PowerPoint design solutions for Corporate Presentations.

Slidemaster’s approach maximises the chance you’ll win your next business pitch. Their trained designers create each slide to clearly and simply express your message. Their styles are fresh and cutting edge so you will deliver a presentation that your clients have never seen before. And, they don’t use templates. This means that they will dedicate 100% of their time and design skills to convert each and every slide into a SLIDEMASTER.

They are all around the World and they work across various industries and sectors including Market Research, Finance, Real Estate, Government, Healthcare, Fashion and Media.

Your presentation is an important part of the pitch process. Your success depends on how clearly you communicate what you want to say. They'll help you sell your message with strategically designed, highly-targeted slides.

For all enquiries contact: PowerPoint design specialists SLIDEMASTER

PROFESSIONAL POWERPOINT SLIDES ARE HERE!

www.michellebowden.com.au How to Present Magazine November 2011 14

ANCIENT WISDOM FOR MODERN HEALTH - GIVE AWAY

CREATING EMOTIONAL HOOKS WITH IMAGES ON YOUR SLIDES

1. Use new, interesting images that you are sure your audience will not have seen many times before.

2. Use professional stock photo images over cheap, tacky images. If this is not possible, then use no image at all. In fact, if it’s not possible to use excellent graphics, don’t use slides at all. Try a flip chart, whiteboard, rehearsed gesture or handout.

3. You can download images from the internet. Photo websites often state which images are the newest images on the site. I use www.istockphoto.com and it’s generally quite cheap to buy their beautiful pictures.

Helpful tip: Ensure the images you use stimulate the next logical value.

FREE GIFT: If you’re in business and would like an e-book copy of Ancient

Wisdom for Modern Health, be one of the first 5 readers of How to Present

Magazine to email michelle@michellebowden.com.au with the words: Health

and Happiness.

By Mark Bunn

Rediscover the simple, timeless secrets of health and happiness.

www.michellebowden.com.au How to Present Magazine November 2011 15

MARK BUNN

INTERNATIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER

Mark Bunn is a former AFL footballer who combines the age-old Eastern wisdoms of Ayurvedic medicine with the secrets of the world’s healthiest and longest living people. He is a popular corporate speaker and media commentator on health & work-life balance, and his new book, ’Ancient Wisdom for Modern Health’ has already been published in 7 countries. www.markbunn.com.au

Here are Mark’s top 10 tips for presenting. Enjoy...

1. Know your audience - so you can tailor things to their particular issues.

2. Get inside the audiences’ heads – what are their key frustrations you can help them with.

3. Prepare well – I’ll say no more.

4. Personalise - include some personal anecdotes so they know you understand them.

5. Use light and shade - alternate laughs with serious, key points with lighthearted stories.

6. Stay on time - there's nothing worse than going over your allotted time.

7. Anticipate problems – ask, “what could go wrong?" and prepare/prevent in advance.

8. Be rested - get a good night's sleep and be refreshed mentally.

9. Make it fun - use some humour & have fun yourself - if you have fun they will too.

10. Follow-up - most results come over time so provide good follow-up.

TIPS FROM A PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER

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NEW BOOK ON ANCIENT WISDOMS OF HEALTHIn the 1990s, Mark Bunn was involved in the beer-drinking, macho world of AFL football … playing alongside greats such as Dunstall, Crawford, Lynch, Dermott Brereton & Paul Roos.

Today, he promotes meditation, yoga, drinking warm water and other 6000 year-old ‘Eastern’ wisdoms of health, as he travels around Australia, teaching people the simple, ‘traditional’ ways of overcoming obesity, diabetes, insomnia, heart disease, depression.!…this book outlines the secrets of the world’s

longest living people & explains how much of our common health

advice is … 100% WRONG!

Learn the secrets of the world’s healthiest and longest living people. Having spent the last decade studying the secrets of world’s healthiest, longest living cultures, Mark Bunn, who is also highly trained in both Eastern and Western health-sciences, has just released a new book – 'Ancient Wisdom for Modern Health’. The book outlines these and other age-old (forgotten) wisdoms of health and happiness, and in the process challenges much of today’s commonly accepted health advice.

Thank you again for such an insightful, energetic and motivating two days. !It’s taken a few days to fully appreciate the impact both you and your course have had on me. !I have a lot of work to do to improve my presentation and communication skills and the great thing is I can’t wait to start! Actually, the first thing I did on the way home was start rewriting my script - something I would never have done on leaving a training course before. I’d like to think that’s not reflective of the perfectionist in me but is a consequence of my new approach - to aspire for excellence not perfection!!!!!It was wonderful to meet you and I look forward to presenting the ‘best me’ next time we meet.

!"#$%"&'(#)*++&(,-#.(/0"('1*('+#20,0'"34#)**"%&('/*"-#540#6(&70",&/8#*9#:0+;*<"(0

TESTIMONIAL FOR MICHELLE

www.markbunn.com.au

www.michellebowden.com.au How to Present Magazine November 2011 17

Dramatically improve the way you present and influence.

Attend one of my Influential Presentation Skills programs.

It’s a life changing experience!

Risk free - 100% money-back guarantee.

Endorsed by thousands of people from over a hundred corporations around Australia.

Interactive and personalised.

Facilitated by Michelle Bowden who has over 18 years experience running her

programs and who has been nominated for Educator of the Year for the last 3 years.

Absorb yourself in a generative and experiential approach. Learn something then practice, then learn something then practice…

Group sizes are limited to only 10 people per program.

Risk free approach to a subject most people find ‘daunting’!

Plenty of time for you to get personal one-on-one time with Michelle’s during the program.

Address your specific, personal needs.

Learning with lots of laughter.

Techniques are embedded so you remember them decades later.

SYDNEY DATES:

November 22-23 (1 place left)December 13-14 (6 places left)

To chat about your specific needs or receive more information please email Michelle directly:

michelle@michellebowden.com.au

IS IT TIME YOU IMPROVED YOUR PRESENTATION SKILLS? COME JOIN ME!

TESTIMONIAL FOR MICHELLEJust wanted to thank you for your great, fun and inspirational presentation at the Weight Watchers Seminar. I laughed, I learnt and I walked away knowing presenting is what I do best.

I had a 90min presentation on the day myself and even though I did do a lot of what you taught already, you showed me how to do it on purpose and why it is important.!Thank you!

Kate RussoWeight Watchers

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PARENTS CORNERConnecting with your kids

BY JUSTIN COULSON

The word connection describes something being joined, bound, fastened, or united. To connect in a relationship requires joining two people together, and becoming united.

We have endless opportunities to "connect" with our children, and research confirms that not only is this good for them, but it is absolutely NECESSARY if they are to grow up feeling secure and stable.

Our favourite times for connection are the "fun" times. Singing, playing, and being together allow us to bind - unite - ourselves with our children. We can also connect through learning together. Parents who spend time on music practice, sporting activities, or school projects often find ways to make these experiences positive and meaningful.

A tougher challenge for parents is to "connect", or join together, when you or your child are experiencing negative emotions, like fear, anger, or sadness.

Five Keys to Connection

To really connect with your kids – or anyone for that matter, there are a couple of simple steps:

1. !Create an environment where it is safe to share feelings. This means we turn off the computer, television, phone, or whatever might be a distraction, and we make sure we are able to be entirely attentive to what our child may say.!2. !Listen. Your child may say some words that matter, but listen even more deeply to the

feelings underlying the words. Your child may say things are “ok”, but as his shoulders slump, his eyes look to the floor, and his voice goes quiet, you might find more useful information in feelings.!3. !Show you understand by restating, in your own words, the FEELINGS your child is experiencing. It’s really important that, rather than asking questions, you make statements based on what you perceive. Your child will confirm if you are on the right track.!4. As parents we are always trying to “fix” things. And all too often we get involved, taking away their sense of autonomy, and undermining their judgement.!But often our children don’t need us to do the fixing. They just need us to understand them, let them know it’s normal to feel the way they do, and support them with compassion and love. Once you’ve identified how they feel, stay quiet, and wait.

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PARENTS CORNER

5. When they’ve worked through things, reassure them of your love. Thank your child for talking with you. Let her know you will always be there if she’s worried. You don’t have to provide answers unless asked. Usually it’s better to ask “what do you

think?”

Communication researchers have discovered that perceived support matters more than giving actual support.

And emotional support increases the likelihood that a person will perceive she or he has been supported. Informational support is often seen as much less supportive.

The amazing thing about being supportive is that it’s really about emotions, rather than actually having to DO something.

On occasions, action will be required on your part. But often, when our children are scared, anxious, or upset, they just want to know you’re there and that you can understand them.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Justin Coulson graduated from the University of QLD with a Bachelor of Psychological Science and received first class honours.

He is now based at the University of Wollongong where he is completing his PhD, investigating positive psychology and parenting. Justin teaches and lectures in positive psychology, the social psychology of close relationships, and developmental psychology (focusing on family development).

Justin’s research has been published in academic journals, and he has made regular appearances on ABC radio and in various newspapers, magazines, and blogs as an expert commentator on parenting.

Justin and his wife Kylie have five daughters who provide regular reminders of just how challenging it is to be the kind of parent he thought he'd be BEFORE he had children! ... and Justin is a very keen cyclist.

www.michellebowden.com.au How to Present Magazine November 2011 20

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www.michellebowden.com.au How to Present Magazine November 2011 21

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