8/6/2019 If the Onion is Not Awarded a Pulitzer Prize Within the Next Year

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If The Onion Is Not Awarded A PulitzerPrize Within The Next Year, I Will Murder50 PeopleBY AN ANONYMOUS MAN

JUNE 24, 2011 | ISSUE 4725

Yes, readers, you have read the above headline correctly. This is no hoax. For too long, The Onion hasbeen cruelly deprived of the Pulitzer Prize it so richly deserves, and now the thought of such an injusticebeing committed yet again fills me with a deep and insatiable thirst for viol ence. Which is why if TheOnion is not awarded a Pulitzer Prize within the next calendar year, so help me God, I WILL SAVAGELY MURDER 50 INNOCENT SOULS, and the Pulitzer Boards hands shall be soaked in blood instead of jammed down Arthur Sulzberger, Jr.s underpants the way they usually are.

You think Im bluffing? Ha! Try me, Pulitzer Board. Try me and see what carnage shall come of your prideand pigheadedness.

Here are the demands Im making of the glad-handing swine who award the Pulitzers every year:

y 1 . Review all of the countrys journalistic content for the year, not just the obvious slop from the Los Angeles Times that youre always gobbling up like fucking candy for some reason.

y 2 . Give special consideration and attention to the fine and unerringly perceptive work of The Onion, Americas Finest NewsSource, which has always and will always be the greatest news periodical in the history of human civilization. If you need some motivation while making your decision, try imagining the faces of 50 dead people before casting your votes.

y 3 . Award The Onion at least one Pulitzer Prize, preferably in the category of National, International, or InvestigativeReporting, although one of the smaller ones like Feature Writing or even Editorial Cartooning would pro bably suffice. Or what about one of those Special Awards and Citations? That might be kind of cool.

Should the Pulitzer Board fail to meet these demands, I will have no choice but to unleash a torrent of bloody retribution th at will shake this country to its very core. I shall slaughter young couples. Children. The elderly. Perhaps even precious Pulitzer favorite Nicholas Kristof, that smug prick. Jesus Christ, a couple of frilly words and a round -trip ticket to Sudan and suddenly

theyre treating that guy like hes H.L. fucking Mencken. Give me a break. You think Onion reporters dont write better first draftsin their sleep than that witless putz?

Also, real quick before I move on, let me make it perfectly clear that I am not actually affiliated with The O nion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. This Op-Ed is only being published because I threatened to kill hundreds of The Onions readers if they didnt print itand, of course, they did, because they care so much about their readership. So please do not think that my wordshere represent the beliefs of The Onion or Zweibel Worldwide in any legal or contractual sense. I am speaking independently o f my own accord as a madman. A madman who believes, quite justifiably, that The Onion should be officially reco gnized as aninstitution of journalistic excellence nonpareil. Just wanted to clear that up.

Members of the Pulitzer Board: Think of the lives that will be spared if you simply do whats right and honor The Onion. I amtalking to you, Nicholas Lemann, Kathleen Carroll, and Eugene Robinson. And to you as well, Lee Bollinger, Ann Marie Lipinski,and Joyce Dehli. Just know that the day the Pulitzer Prize winners are announced, I will have my rifle trained on an innocent

civilians head 300 yards away, ready to pull the trigger should the results meet with my displeasure.

And to the police, who are surely reading this Op-Ed: Dont bother trying to catch me. Im too smart. Years of reading TheOnions brilliantly informative and insightful reportage have made cer tain of that.

So choose wisely, Pulitzer Board. Until then, everybody please continue getting Americas best up -to-the-minute news coveragefrom The Onion, available in print or online at TheOnion.com. That is all.