illustrated guie to training parents

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Don’tAllow your dad to be jovial with your frDads think they‘re funny, but it has

scientifically proven that they‘re not

DoEducate your parents into beingdiscreet when your friends are

in the house ...

Useful hints and tips for surviving your life

Doozandohntz

I l lus tra ted guide to

E N D O R S E D B Y T H E T O P T H AT ! I N S T I T U T E O F H U M AN B E H AV I O U R AL S T U D I E S

I g n

o r e

t h e m , i t

’ s j u s

t t h e staf f B O O ! H a , ha, h a !

T ra in in g Pa ren t s



Training Parents

Doozandohntz

Illustrated guide to

Published by Top That! Publishing plcCopyright © 2010 Top That! Publishing plc

Tide Mill Way, Woodbridge, Suffolk, IP12 1AP, UKwww.topthatpublishing.com

Top That! is a registered trademark of Top That! Publishing plcAll rights reserved

B O O ! H a , ha, h a !



Foreword

You can choose your friends, but, unfortunately, you can’t chooseyour family. Badly behaved parents are a growing problem in oursociety with many offspring experiencing embarrassing episodes,tantamount to cruelty, at the hands of their misguided guardians.Following years of painstaking research, at the Top That! Instituteof Behavioural Studies, I have devised a patented, parent trainingprogramme that will help to modify inappropriate behaviour. Now,YOU can reap the benefits of my studies by reading thislearnamologically enhanced book.

During my research, I learnt that the most important thing forparents to learn is their place in the family hierarchy. Just like a

dog, your parents must learn your rules and how to behave in an agreeable, social manner towards you and your friends. In order tobetter explain how to discourage bad parental behaviour, I haveteamed up with the world’s best doodle artist, Andrew Pinder, andhave presented my findings as simple ‘Do’ and ‘Don’t’ instructions,with a life-enriching dollop of humour. This book will help you totrain your parents on all aspects of your life – clothes, music,fashion, friends, holidays, allowance – and, according to statistics,will improve parents, on average, by 56%.

I hope that you enjoy reading my findings, and that they help youto make decisions, which lead to a happier lifestyle.

A cautionary note:

Reading and acting upon the advice contained in this book may haveside effects. During trials, a high percentage of my test subjects

reported that parents began involuntarily salivating every time thedoorbell or phone rang. I deem the overall benefits of my trainingprogramme to far outweigh this minor side effect.

Dr Heinz Doozandohntz



DON’T teach

them how to do it themselves –knowledge pays!

DO help your parents bytuning in the television.

I c a n ’ tb e l i

e v eh e ’ s

s o d u m b

S u c k e r !

PARENT-PUPIL

SOCIAL NIGHTNEWSEWS



DO have a quiet word with your

parents about theirembarrassing dancing.

DON’T be tempted to teach them a more modern style. It can have disastrous effects!

H e l p !

I ’ v e g o t d i s

c o f ever ... I ’ m h o t !

D o h !

C h e c k

o u t

m y s l i c k m o v e s

,

s o n !

R a d i c

a l

m a n !

PA RENENT-PU PILIL

SOCIAL NIGHTOCIAL NIGHT



DON’T extend the rule to

when they are in private –it may be disgusting, but even old people like tosnuggle up!

DO ask your parents to stop anyembarrassing shows of affection -kissing, holding hands, pet names,etc.

Top Tip!

Suggest that your parentsbuy you an MP3player to give themsome privacy!

I ’ m

l i s t e n i n g !

Y u k !



DON’T forget to look through

some old albumsto find picturesof when theywere young. Then, leavethem out!

DO be patient when your parentsmoan about the way you dress.

Blah ... blah ...blah ... blah ...blah ... blah ...

G r a n d p a

a n d G r a n d m a

M u



DON’T give in ...

DO refuse to answerto baby names.

... until you are calledby your real name.

F l u f f y k i n s,

F l u ff y k i n s ! H e l p !

P l e as e h e l p Flu f f y k i n s !

O h! Charlott e, w i l l y o u h e l p ?

T he cat ’s g o t s t u c k i n t h e b i n a g a i n !

c a n you h e l p ?



DON’T slip that photo that dad took of herchanging on the beach into her next workpresentation - that would be going too far!

DO try not to blush andmoan when your mumshows your friendsembarrassing baby photos

- it will onlyencourage her.

D o h !

Aaaa r r r g h h h

!



DON’T cheer if it goeswrong.

DO listen to your dad when he tells you about firework safety.

* Note: Dads mess up a lot. Try to ignorethis fact to maximise earning potential



DON’T forget where you buried him.

DO bond with your parents on thebeach. You’re never too old toplay with your dad.

H el l o ... a n y o n e t h e r e ? ... H el p !



DON’T forget to remind them about what happenedthe morning after. They might have forgotten.

DO be tolerant if your parentssometimes get a bit silly and

confused.

H a p p y N

e w Y e a r, d a r l i n g !

h i c !

h i c !

h i c !

h i c !

. .. a nd t h e n M u m c l imb ed on the t able and D a d st ar t ed kissin g M rs Sm i t h, a nd M r S m i t h s a i d ...

I f e e l a w f u l

M a k e t h e p a i n

g o a

y



DON’T neglect to remind him when it slips his mind

DO listen to your dad when hetells you that you must respect teachers and other people in authority.

P e r h a p s i t

w a s n ’ t s u c

h a

g o o d i d e a t

o p u t

a w h o o p e e

c u s h i o n o n

M r s A p p l e b y ’ s c h a i r . . .

P A R K I N G T I C K E T

R E P O R T



DON’T use your mum’s hairremoval cream to get the jobdone! An irate dad and a mum with hairy legs isa distinct possibility.

DO explain to your dad that hisdisgusting, scratchy beard makeshim look like an old tramp.

z z z zz z z z z z z z zzzz . . .



DON’T, on any account,allow your dad to be jovial.Dads think that they arefunny, but it has been scientifically proven that theyare not!

DO educate your parents intobeing discreet when yourfriends are in the house.

I g n o

r et h e m

, i t ’ s j u s

t t h e s t a f f

B o o ! H a , ha, h a!

I m u s t b e

a d o p t e d ! ! !



DO confirm that you willNOT...

TRAINING FOR FAMILY REUNIONS:

... dance

... do the party piecthat you used to dowhen you were three

... sit next to your creepy cousin

... be in chargeof youryoungest cousin

... playcharades.

I ’ m a l i t t l e t e a p o t ...

Y o u ’ r e

p r e t t y

I w a n t a

p o o . . . n

o w I s i t s o m e t h i n g t o

d o

w i t h t h e w a r ?



... let your dad get intoarguments about the

party games.

DON’T ...

... let your mother takeoffence at everything her

sister-in-law says.

... allow yourself tobe responsible foryour gran aftershe’s had a few drinks.

Even better, DON’T go.

Y o u a l w a y s w e r e

a c h e at !

Y o u l o ser !

W h a t d o y o um e a

n’ H e

l l o ’

?

N o t a g ai n !

C o m ’ o n I

’ l l t a k e y o u a l l o

CH OC S



DON’T worry about

telling little whitelies to get you out of trickysituations.

DO be nice to your parents’ friends when they throa party. H o w a b o u t a l i t t le kiss f o r y our f avou r it e ’ u ncl e ’ ?

G u l p !

I

’ d

l i k e t o

b u tI ’ m

s t i l l i n f e c t i ous

K e t c h u

p



DON’T let himget obsessed with

his appearance.A vain fathercan be moreembarrassing than a flabby one.

DO nag your father about getting into shape. He’ll livelonger and will be able togive you financial support for

years to come - result!

W e l l , h ello ther e . . .

O h d e a r !

SCHOOL RECEP T I ON



DON’T just listen. Take notes when they tell yostories of your dad’s boyhood. This informatio

DO go and sit with your grandparents, and listen tthem talking about the past (you’ll become a favourite grandchild and reapthe rewards!).

could geyou off thhook whe

you get intscrapes oyour own



DON’T try and make yourparents trendier at thelast moment.

DO remember that, when your mum and dad meet yobest friend’s impossibly glamorous parents, they will as embarrassed as you.

I wish they were

more glamorousI wish

they were normal

B e l i e v e me D ad,i t ’ l l loo k g r e a

I ’ m n o t s u r eab o u t t h i s

F A L S E

P O

N Y

T A I L



DON’T show him how to play it.

DO show your father your latest video game.

I t ’ s

m y t u r n !



DON’T tell him how they got there in the first place!

DO help your dad delete theembarrassing photos of the officeparty from his Facebook page.

I ’ l lg i v e

y o ua n y

t h i n g !

J u s t d e l e

t e t h e m !

£ £

££

£ £



DON’T scream when yourparents find another wayto stop you from being lonelyand tell you that youare going to have a new brotheror sister.

Cunning tipsif you are anONLY CHILD:

DO explain that the only way youwill not feel lonelyis for yourparents to buyyou the latest mobile phone and

computer to keepin touch withyour friends.

E e e e e e k !



DON’T make a fusswhen your mum takesyour old toysto thecharity shop.

Cunning tips if you are an OLDEST CHILD:

DO explain that you are nearlyan adult andtherefore need

more money, beallowed to goout more,stay uplater, etc.

N o o o o o o o o o o !



DON’T blame everything you do on your brothers

and sisters - you’ll get caught out in the end!

Cunning tips if you are a MIDDLE CHILD:

... and it wouldmake you feelmore adult and responsible.

DO tell your parents that having the same amount of pocket money as your older brother or sisterwould slightly

make up forthe fact that theyignore you ...

? ? ? ? ?

? ? ? ? ?

T h e y d i d

i t !



DON’T expect your parents to always take yourside against yourolder siblings.

DO say that you are not a baby andwant more respect and pocket money.

Cunning tips if you are a YOUNGEST CHILD:

T h e y ’ r e a l w a y s pick i n g o n m e !



DON’T go into theirbedroom without knockingto show them how irritating it is. What you might see will livewith you for the rest

of your life.

DO insist on yourprivacy. Train

your parents toknock beforecoming intoyour bedroom.

BEDROOM TRAINING:

P a s s w o r d ?

E E E E K !

eeek!

KN OC K



DON’T let

your parentsdecorate yourbedroomunsupervised.

DO point out that for your homework you need a computer with broadband connection, a television and

DVD player in your bedroom.Not want, NEED.



... bathroom cleaning products are bad for

young people’s lungs ...

DO tell them that washing-up liquidis terrible for your skin ...

HOUSEWORK TRAINING:

I t ’ s not j u s t m y h a n d s t h a t suf f er !

H e l l o, a r e

y o u, l i k e, t r y in g t o k i l l m e ?



DON’T be surprised at your next birthday present

... and noisy vacuum cleaners aredangerous for young ears, but ...

P a r d o n ?

N o ! N o !

N



?

DON’T let your mother show off the family photos.Hide the album.

DO persuade yourfather to put

clothes on before goingto thebathroom in the morning.

TRAINING FOR A SLEEPOVER

Part I: Before The Day:

Once m o r e a n d t h i s g

o e s o n t h e I n ternet



DON’T let your parents allow younger siblings toget in the way.

DO make your parents remove any un-cool toys,duvet covers, etc.(You can put them

back after.)

CEL L A R



B I G

B O O K

O F

B E D

DON’T let your parents have noisy

arguments after you have goneto bed.

DO be firm

that theyare NOT allowedto join in.

TRAINING FOR A SLEEPOVER

Part II: The Day:



WHITE PAPPY

BREAD

S Y R U P

Y U M M Y

C H O C O

S T U F F

B E A N S

M R P U K E

C H O C O

L A T E

S P R E A D

S U GA R

‘ N ’

J UIC E

S AL T

S O Y A M I L K

CHEWYMUSELI

WITH HARD

BITS

Do want Don’t wan

DO make a list for your mum about breakfast:

Pancakes Porridge

Proper cereal Healthy cereals

Bacon, eggs,sausage& beans

Tofu,vegetables

Normal bread,chocolate spread

Bread with bits in, ANYTHING home-mad

Juice froma shop

Juice from real fruit

Plain platesand glasses

Funn mugs



DON’T slow down and give them a chance to talkto boring people.

DO walk fast when you go shopping with yourparents, so that they have to hurry to keep up.



DON’T try it if yourgrandad is also with you,or you’ll end up at thetoy museum.

DO ask your dad about the toys that he used toplay with when you are out shopping. Witha bit of luck you could steer himstraight to a

toy shop. GAMES & MODELS

TOY

MUSEU



DON’T stop listening to them completely - youmight miss the

snack stop.

DO pretend that you can’t hearyour parentswhen they call

out - this willstop them fromlooking in boring shops.

BORING STUFF DULL SOCKS

C A F E



DON’T go for a haircut with your dad - he’ll get them to give you the

same style that he had when he was a boy.

DO go shopping for schoolclothes with yourdad - he won’t have a clue

what is needed.

I ’ m s u r e he said t h a t w a s

t h e u ni f o r m

L if e in r u i ns

p a r t o f

S KA T E

KIN G

O I L



DON’T feel that you have to associatewith them on the beach.

DO keepquiet when your parentsask what

you thinkof theirholidayclothes.

T h e g i r l in t he shop s a id i t m a k e s m e l o o k y o un g

Y o u n g e r t

h a n

w h a t ?

T h e m ?

N o , I ’ m a

n o r p h a n

S U R F ’ S U P !



DON’T, whatever you do,persuade her to go for

anything too extreme.

DO go through a hairstyle magazinewith your mum andhelp her choose a

less frumpy style.

Top Tip!

Parent + child bonding =praise, treats and rewards

W e l l, wha t d o y o u t h i n k ?

G u l p!



DON’T buy any

ringtones until theyhave left the room.

DO explain theimportance of having enoughmoney on your

mobile, in caseof an emergency.

H e l p !

W h a t w a s t h a t ?

D O W N L O A D C O M P L E T E



DON’T brag too muchabout your new phone.No one likes a show-off!

DO explain to your parents that having an oldmobile phone isruining your life.

I ’ m s o d e p r

e s s e d !

H u h ,l o s e r

s!



DON’T remember the shopping list.

DO offer to help with the shopping if you hate your healthy lunch.

Y u k !

Yum!

C H O C O S P U D

T O F U

C H O C

C R I S P

C H O C

‘ N ’

S U G A R

N A S T



DON’T flaunt your newfoundwealth in front of your parentsif you do get a rise.

DO ... nag

NEGOTIATING POCKET

MONEY:

... say how everyone getsmore than you

... explain how humiliating it is

to be theclass pauper... show how muchprices havegone up

T a x i ! T h e v id e o g a m e a r c ad e

a nd q u i c k a b o u t i t !

S W E E T

S P O O

R



DON’T tell them where to get tickets.

DO explain that not to go to therock concert would be social suicide.

E v e r y o n e i n m y c

l a s s

i s g o i n g !

I s n ’ t that y o u r d ads t a g e divin g ?

ROCK



DON’T let him get carried away.

DO encourage your dad tocome and watch you playfor your team.



DON’T let them choose anywherewith a nudist beach - think of theawful holiday photos!

DO encourage yourparents to book up an exotic holiday, but doyour research carefully.

I f e e l

s o

f r e e !



DON’T flirt with everyone yourself,or you’ll get a bad reputation.

DO tell your parents that old peopleflirting is sad.

W ell, h

e l l o M iss G r e e n

. Y o u ’ r e l o o k i n g lov el i e r t h an e v e r . . .

T r a s h !

T r a m p !

F l u t te r



DON’T moan about the food all night.

DO insist that, when your parents go out to celebrate,they take you

along to the poshrestaurant. Not todo it would beto neglect yoursocial andcultural education.

I ’ v e a l w a

y s w a n t e d t o t r y

F r e n c hc

u i s i n e

W h a t d o y o u c a l l t h i s m u c k ?



DON’T let them get out of doing the washing-upafterwards - you’ve done your bit.

DO make breakfast for your parents, especially if you want to ask a favour.

T a - d a h !



DON’T let them choose one on their own.

DO persuade youparents to buy yo

a pet - you need onfor company and t

teach you a sensof responsibility

T h e m a n in t h e p e t s h o p s a i d that t h e y w e r e q u i t e r a r e Y e a h

, I’m no t s u r p r i s e d

H A P P Y

B I R T

H D A Y

F R O M

M U M A

N D D A D



DON’T forget to go a bit mad –this will ensure that they won’t ask

you to do it again.

DO wash the smelly, oldfamily dog, if yourparents ask you to.



DON’T play them your favourite gangsta rap -they’ll either hate it ...

DO smile politely when your dadtries to educate your musicaltaste by playinghis horrible,

crackly, old,vinyl records.

... or worse, love it.

Y o ,

r e s p e c t, b

r o ’



DON’T worry about telling him. It will make schoolparent meetings a little more interesting!

DO let slip, as a joke, that yourfather has been toprison.

The teachers were so scared, the forgot to talk about me!

H e l p !

Huh?

H e l p ! FIRE

EXIT

IIB

?



DO make sure that you are never asked to do thasort of thing again.

DON’T argue when your dad is intent ongoing on an outing -it’ll do no good.

I ’ v e prom is ed y o u r u n c l e t h a t w e w i l l t a k e c o u s i n B i l l y t o t h e z o o t od a y

W h e r e ’ s B

i l l y ?

I t h o u g h t t h

a t

h e w a s w i t

h y o u

W h o

? N o i d e a



DON’T ever let the youngones andthe oldones meet.

DO remember that it’s not your parents’ fault if they are much younger or older than your friends’mums and dads. You can’t do anything about it, butremember...

N o , I ’ m n o t h e r s i s t e r, I’m

h e r mot h e r. S h e ’ si n t h e same

c l a ss as y o u r s o n



DON’T go on too muchabout it - there couldbe disadvantages.

DO say if you think that youare being treated too young.

T H E

D U L L

D I C T I O N A R Y

DI C TI ON

A RY

SANTA’S GROTTO



DON’T make it obvious that you have done it because it is cheap.

DO make your parents’ Christmaspresents. They will think that youhave gone to a lot of trouble ...

and it’s cheap.

TRAINING FOR CHRISTMAS:

I t ’ s

ap e n c i l h o l d

e r .N o w

, w h e r e ’ s m y p r es e n t?

GL UE



DON’T show yourdisappointment if you donot get what youasked for.

DO give your parentshints about what youwould like for Christmas.

I s a i d a n M K

5 !

CHRISTMAS

LIST

MK5

M K 4



... then lose theremote control.

DO allow your dad towatch his team play ...

... but, if your favourite

soap is due on make sureyou see it ...

C o m e

o n , p a s s

t h e b a l l !

Q

u i c k

, t h e

r e ’ s

o n l y t h r e

e m i n u t e s l e f t !

I m p

o r t a n

t m o v e?



DON’T takethe time to saysomething comforting

to make himfeel better.

DON’T payattention to anyunnecessary fussyour dad

makes ...

W he r e ’ s t h e r e m ot e ?

N o ide a *

* Technically true

N e v e r m i nd, t h e y p r o b a b l y lost an y wa y



DON’T rub it in by making your father go on therollercoaster.

DO point out the educationalpossibilities of a visit to the new

theme park.

NEW

D I N O F U N L A N D

D I NO P U K



This edition published in Great Britain in 2010 by Top That! Publishing plc,

Marine House, Tide Mill Way,

Woodbridge, Suffolk, IP12 1AP, UK

www.topthatpublishing.com

0 2 4 6 8 9 7 5 3 1

Creative Director – Simon Couchman

Editorial Director – Daniel Graham

Art Editor – Matt Denny

Written and illustrated by Andrew Pinder

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any

form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written

permission of the publisher. Neither this book nor any part or any of the illustrations, photographs or reproductions

contained in it shall be sold or disposed of otherwise than as a complete book, and any unauthorised sale of such part

illustration, photograph or reproduction shall be deemed to be a breach of the publisher’s copyright.

ISBN 978-1-84956-((*-'

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, incidents and dialogues are products of the author’s imagination

or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.



Training Parents

Doozandohntz

Illustrated guide to

Compiled from the extensive research papersof Dr. Heinz Doozandohntz, from the Top That! Institute of Human Behavioural

Studies, this book is an indispensible guide t

training your parents to behave in a mannerthat is acceptable to you and your friends.Dr. Doozandohntz’s groundbreaking findingsare presented as simple ‘Do’ and ‘Don’t’

instructions, and have been learnamologically

enhanced by the illustrations of the world’sgreatest doodler, Andrew Pinder.An eight page serving provides:

of recommended daily intake for a happy lifestyle.

Laughter

99%

Advice

80%

Reading

60%

Stuff

55%

illustrated guie to training parents

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