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TRANSCRIPT
Improving Communication Climates
Types of confirming messagesrecognitionacknowledgmentendorsement
Disconfirming communication
Lack of regardDisputingDisagreementIgnoring
How climates develop
Both verbal and nonverbal After climate has formed it can grow
into a spiral (either positive or negative)We tend to respond to the preceding
statement in “like”Escalatory Conflict Spirals-
disconfirming messages reinforce one another
De-escalatory conflict spirals- can also be destructive. The parties slowly lessen their dependence on one another and withdraw and become less invested.
Spirals can go through cycles of progression and regression.
Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
When others confront us with face-threatening acts (messages that challenge the image we want to project), we may become defensive. “Saving Face”
We feel the most defensive when the criticism is on target
We have a need for approval, and also need to protect our self image.
Types of Defensive Reactions
Cognitive dissonance- inconsistency between two conflicting pieces of information. Is is uncomfortable, so communicators strive to resolve it by seeking consistency.
Can change presenting self or use a defense mechanism
Defense Mechanisms
Attack the critic:-verbal aggression-sarcasmDistorting Critical Information:-rationalization-invention of logical but
untrue explanations of behavior that is unacceptable to self.
-Compensation-emphasize a strength in one area to cover a weakness in another.
-Regression-play helpless. I “can’t” instead of “I won’t”
Avoiding Dissonant Information
Physical avoidanceRepression-mentally block out
dissonant information (changing the subject, acting as if you don’t understand, and pretending not to hear)
Apathy- pretending that you don’t care about it
Displacement- vent aggressive feelings to something else. Gives the illusion that we have control and can’t be pushed around.
Preventing Defensiveness
Competent communicators protect others’ face by supporting his or her presenting self
You express dissatisfaction on a content level, but on a relational level, you say that you value them.
Gibbs Catagories
Evaluation vs. Description. Focus on speaker’s thoughts and feelings instead of judging. Express in “I” language with descriptors. Have to deliver with good timing and tone of voice
Control vs. Problem Orientation: Focus is one finding a solution that satisfies needs of both parties. “Win/win”
Strategy vs. Spontaneity. Strategy is a type of manipulation with an ulterior motive. Spontaneity is more candid and honest communication.
Neutrality vs. Empathy. Neutrality is more indifferent. Empathy shows concern for the feelings of the other party. Nonverbal is often more important than verbal.
Superiority vs. Equality. Need to convey that although you may have more talent, etc. in a certain area, others have just as much worth.
Certainty vs. Provisionalism. Communicators who regard their own opinions with certainty vs. those who are willing to acknowledge that they are open to other ideas.
Responding Nondefensively to Criticism
Seek more information- Ask for specifics (be sure you can hear it)- Guess about specifics (if the person
criticizing won’t give specific examples)-Paraphrase the speaker’s ideas-Ask what the critic wants-Ask about the consequences of your
behavior
-Ask what else is wrong-Agree with the critic - agree with the facts - agree with the critic’s perception
Managing Interpersonal Conflict
Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.
Expressed struggle
Can only exist when both parties are aware of a disagreement. It can be expressed verbally or nonverbally.
Perceived incompatible goals
Don’t see solutions- perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive.
Perceived scarce rewards
People believe that there isn’t enough to go around
interdependence
The welfare and satisfaction of one depends on the actions of the other
Interference from the other party
Conflict won’t occur until the participants act in ways that prevent one another from reaching their goal
Conflict is natural. Every relationship has conflict. It is a fact of life. Feelings are a part of the process.
Conflict can be beneficial. Happy couples view disagreement as healthy and recognize that conflicts need to be faced. They are constructive in solving it.
Personal Conflict Styles
Nonassertive- inability or unwillingness to express thoughts or feelings in a conflict. Avoidance or accommodation. Can be useful- “choose battles carefully” or to help the other person.
Direct Aggression
Character attacks, competence attacks, physical appearance attacks, wishing the other ill fortune, teasing, ridicule, threats, swearing, and nonverbal emblems. Significant connection between verbal aggression and physical aggression. Sets up destructive spiral.
Passive Aggression
Expresses hostility in obscure way. “Crazymaking”.
Indirect Communication
Conveys message in roundabout way in order to save face for the recipient. Give “hint”. Most common way by which people make requests.
Assertion
Message expresses the speaker’s needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly without judging or dictating to others.
Which style?
Consider: the relationshipthe situationthe other personyour goals
Assertion without Aggression
Give an objective behavioral description and your interpretation of it
Express your feeling about itTell what the consequence is. -what happens to you-what happens to the person you are
addressing-what happens to others
Intention-where you stand on the issue-requests of others-descriptions of how you plan to act
in the future
Using the clear message format
The elements can be delivered in any order
word the message to suit your personal style
combine two elements in a single phrase (if appropriate)
Conflict in Relational Systems
Complementary Conflict Style-fight/flightSymmetricalParallel (shift between the two)
Intimate/Aggressive styles
Nonintimate-Aggressive. Fight, but are unsuccessful at satisfying important content and relational goals.
Nonintimate-Nonaggressive. Avoid conflict and one another.
Intimate-Aggressive. Argue, but make up intensely.
Intimate-Nonaggressive. Low attacking or blaming, but confront.
Conflict Rituals
Can become a problem if inflexible and limiting
Variables in Conflict Styles
Gender: As children, girls use more “let’s”, “why
don’t we..”, etc. Boys are more demanding and direct.
Women- less assertive. Both genders are less tolerant of assertive behavior from a woman.
Female students described men as being concerned with power and were more interested in content than relational issues.
In actual conflict, women are more assertive than men about expressing their ideas and feelings, and men are more likely to withdraw from discussing issues.
Men don’t see friendship and aggression as mutually exclusive. Many strong male relationships are built around competition.
Differences are actually very small. More important is the nature of the relationship and the personal conflict styles.
Culture
Orientation towards individualism or collectivism.
Individualistic cultures (like U.S.) the goals, rights, and need of each person are considered important.
Collectivist cultures (Latin America or Asian) consider the concerns of the group to be more important than those of the individual.
Assertiveness-Low context (such as U.S. and Europeans)
place a premium on being direct and literal.
High context (such as Japan) like to avoid confrontation and value self-restraint. Preserving and honoring the face of the other person are a prime goal. Indirect communication is norm.
Also consider ethnic background, biological makeup, self-concept, environment, parental conflict style, “culture of the situation”
Methods of Conflict Resolution
WIN/Lose one party gets what he or she wants, whereas the other doesn’t. Power is distinguishing characteristic. Justified when the other person insists on trying to defeat you, or when the other person is doing something wrong.
Lose/Lose Neither side is satisfied with the outcome. Fairly common way to handle conflict.
Compromise Gives both parties some of what they wanted, though both sacrifice part of their goals.
Win/win Find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved.
Win-Win Communication Skills
Step 1 Identify Your Problem and Unmet NeedsStep 2Make a date. Step 3Describe your problem and needs. Use
the clear message format.
Step 4Consider Your Partner’s Point of View. Find
out what your partner needs to feel satisfied about the issue.
Step 5Negotiate a solution. Develop as many
potential solutions as possible and evaluate them to decide which one best meets everyone’s needs.
Step 6Follow up the solution. Go back and
evaluate the effectiveness and make changes as necessary.
Constructive Conflict
Questions for discussionToo good to be true? Isn’t it too elaborate?Isn’t it too rational?Is it possible to change others?