intermittens vol 01.23

8/14/2019 InterMittens vol 01.23

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More Unicorns ThanYou Can Handle

Holiday Munchies 16

2

Aftermath, YOLD 3174

DISCOVERWhat Vexati0n

Ki d F Di

5

Who Killed The LULZ?

32

InterMittensFNORD!

3 Welcome tontermIttens

4 matters oF Importance

5 HoW to maKeWHat I HaD For DInner

6 rant00110010110011

9 all tHIngsHaVIng Been saID

10tHe emergentonspIracy

12 WItHIn a Dream

16 tHe nIgHt BeForeHrIstmas muncHIes

18 tHe toy maKer20 nancy

23 InternatIonalrelatIons

26 tHe sWalloW

28 KnoWIng We are Free

30 a clarIFIcatIon

31 tHe golDen ageoF DIscorDIanIsm

32 WHo KIlleD tHe lulz?

33 tHe paraBle oFtHe sacreD Bull

34 arcHItecture

35 meDIa mInDFucKIng

H ch !

Issue 1 Version 2.3

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--to Intermittens .

This is a small, possibly periodical publication of Discordian stuff .

I say stu because theres very little criteria forentry. The contents are a smattering of essays,

rants, sermons, posts, silly images, and all sortsof Diarrhea Discordia . We have a rotating editorialsta - whoever wants to compile an issue is freeto do so. Participation in Intermittens is a Golden Apple Seed Mission , meaning youre welcome tohelp. If you have skills to lend, we need em!

See, Discordia has gone pretty far from where it was 50 years ago. But because of the decentralizednature of this neophilic irreligion, its really hardto ind out where exactly its gone. Intermittens isa very half-assed attempt to compile some recent thoughts by [some] Discordians.

This dude Manta Obscura kicked o this project bycollecting a number of works he liked in one place(a thread at principiadiscordia.com/forum ). Isaid, Man, we should really compile some of thisstu into a PDF or something. Heres an important tip for getting stu done when theres no leader:whenever you hear yourself saying We should doX, translate it to I should do X. After a few pintsof resolve, I decided to make this magazine thing.

Theres tons of Discordian writing in the public do-main. I think the public domain is a sort of holyland, and just exploring it makes me giddy, makesme want to cut stu up and paste it into a newbody of work. So I took a lot of this public domanbrouhaha and slap-dashed it together into this is-sue youre holding now. The irst copy was made ina grand total of three and a half hours. It was madein MS Word, and had none of the polished edges orre ined style of a professional magazine. The intent was to publish something very quickly , as if to dem -onstrate that any idiot can do this. Seriously. Evenyou.

Later, Telarus KSC answered the Golden AppleSeed Mission and signed up to apply the style andlayout you see here. Thats a great example of howa GASM works - you hear about a project, and youwant to help, so you do! The project is better for hisparticipation.

As long as Ive got the spotlight, I want to tell youabout this other ambitious project I just launched.Its called LITGASM , the mission to tag all the Discordian works on the net. Theres a TON of them,but theres no central listing anywhere. How can

you help? Tag anything you ind using delicious.com. Give it the tag Discordian, and Litgasm. Iusually add a few more tags like rant, sermon,prank, art, scripture, essay, post, or what-ever.This will make it easier for people to ind out whats going on, especially new members to ourweird little anti-society.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this irst issue of Inter-mittens. Its a spag rag, but its mine and I loves it.Please consider creating more material in the pub

lic domain so that pirates like me can disseminateit, even if it just gets juxtaposed with dongs. And if you dig this rag youre reading, I want to becomepart of the dialogue rather than just remaining au-dience to it. So write an article, edit an issue, be awinner. One day some spag is gonna wonder what the Discordians were on about in the year 20XX,and I want there to be a HELL of a story to tell.

P e so Cram lu12/12/2 08

Welcome


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Little Children of Chaos have you1.read the Principia Discordia and Illu-minatus!? Have you read Zen WithoutZen Masters, the Apocrypha Discordia,and every other Erisian work you couldfind?

Do you think that makes you Dis-2.cordian? That youcarry a Pope card,maybe a TSAR card,that you Turkey

Curse your Boss and you know 230 waysto get to the number5... do these thingsmakes you Erisian?

Open all THREE3.Eyes and See, God-dessdamnit!

A thousand Fnords4.make not a singleDiscordian, 23s and 5s are not whatturn cabbages into humans.

No catechism, no required meme to5.learn. No right of passage into someInitiatory Coven of Chaos.

Nay, my fellows, even that Great6.Goddess, Eris Kallisti Discordia herself,appears unnecessary for a Discordian.

I implore you, Seek not only the7.Chaos of the past, for while there may be LULZ, while there may exist Inspi-ration, while there may be tools aplen-ty, it is not there that Discordianismlies.

I do not say this to discourage reuse,8.older memes have deep roots and healthy growth and may be the hook which catchesmany minds in their initial first steps into

the Void. And what is wrong with that if itbe the case? Nothing, I think.

However, Discordian enlighten-9.ment (for what its worth), wont be found inthose memes. It wont be found in anything

written by Robert Anto Wilson, it wont be fouin the Principia Discordia. They dont containEnlightenment. They contain hints and pointers, they contain toolswhich can help with thfreeing of oneself. But,words cannot free youfrom the Curse of Greyface.

If you wish to b10.Free, then there is butone thing you can do;

DISCORDIAN, ENLIGHTEN THYSELF!11.

Another Discordians enlightenment can12.not bring the light to your eyes, nor will theideas of another make you free.

So you read a rant? Go write a rant! So13. you found some memes? Go create somememes! Do not rely on the Enlightenmentof others for your own damned Enlighten-ment.

In that direction lie all of the greyfaced,14.hunch-brained ideas of a Dogmatic andDrab Existence.

Rant #00110010110011by Ratatosk


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I see no flaw in embracing and15.enjoying the ideas of others, as long asthey do not replace your ideas. There isno sin in delighting in the stories of pastDiscordians, as long as you have yourown stories as well. The only Sin is thesin of stagnation.

Even so, if you do naught but par-16.rot the old memes, you are still Discord-ian in some sense. Though, perhaps notthe sense you were hoping for.

A Discordian bears no responsibil-17.ity to accept anyone else, not me, nor you, nor Bob.

They are only responsible to know 18.themselves and accept it or change it asthey see fit.

And for you, it appears the same,19.for you have no responsibility to acceptanyone else either. Including me, includ-ing this rant.

Do As Thou Will, but be sure it is20.Thou who Wills it.

In the end, our freedom is a free-21.dom of the mind and only the owner of that mind can free it.

We are the Slave and the Master.22.No one can free the Slave, except for theMaster.


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How to MakeWhat I Had For Dinner

...Continued, by Vexati0n

First, try to de rost the chicken usingyour microwaves De rost setting.

When that ails, get pissed o and set itto nuke or 2 minutes on 100% power.

Meanwhile, distract yoursel with guess-ing how much spaghetti you need. Donot use a spaghetti serving measurerthing, which would be cheating. Startspaghetti cooking in cold water.

Notice that the chicken has becomehal -cooked in the microwave, and re-move it. Start rying it in a pan or noapparent reason. Some people recom-mend you chop up the chicken piecesbe ore you start rying it. Those peopleare wrong.

Find something to season it with, itdoesnt matter what. I used steak sea-

soning. Be sure to apply the seasoninga ter the chicken is at least hal way done, otherwise the avor might stay in the chicken.

Dump spinach leaves into the pot along with the cooking spaghetti. Take care to use just enoughspinach to add color, but not avor. Add some kind o oil (pre erably edible) to pasta water,liberally.

When the spaghetti is done, strain it and put it in some kind o container. Dump the entire jar oal redo sauce in and mix it up. Allow it to cool while the chicken gets done, which would alreadybe done except you put the heat on too low.

When the chicken is done, toss it into the mix. Taste. Decide it needs something else. Check thecupboards and fnd nothing. Find rozen vegetables in the reezer. Nuke the holy Jesus out othem or like 10 minutes, then throw them in there too.

Serve.


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All Things Having Been Said by Jack of Turnips

All things having been said, and repeat-d, and repeated again until the bile rises in thehroat...now the only sensible action is to destroyhe government.

The Capitol should beuins, a grassy rock-scatteredlace where children go andheir parents tell them, This

was where the bigwigs ap-roved torture, this is wherehe at men legislated theirobberies, this is where theyoted or war and le t the poor and sick to die. Thiss where the ones in power proclaimed that all the

money will go to the rich and everyone else canat dirt. Thats what the parents, those who knewnd who put the dynamite under the oundations,hats what they will say.

And the children will pick dandelions in theuins o Washington, DC.

Yeah, Americas dead. She has been dead orty years now. Nationalists still love her, still kisser dead lips; they are making love to her corpseven as you read this. But shes dead. Get over it.

Your allegiance must be elsewhere. Yourllegiance must be to a new li e. It is 07:30 andhe October sun bursts in a ood o orange lighthrough the window. What the hell are you going

to do about it? Get the guitars and the djembes, theharmonicas and the ddles; get your crazy trousersand your hat with the ribbons; walk on stilts andlet the dogs run ree. Dance or your li e, you bas-

tards. Dance and sing and work and uck like you mean it. Its allthats le t.

For ty years money has beenlavished on corporate baronswhile legislators deny ood andbasic medical care to the poor.For ty years America has used

lies to wage wars o aggression. The killings -- Viet-nam to Iraq -- number in the hundreds o millions,a holocaust. A murderous American holocaust. Forty years the US secret police have operated with-

out restraint o law, and they have been set loose toimprison and torture at will. Americas Constitutionis a joke, ignored in practice and mocked daily bythe actions o the government.

Dance like you mean it, brothers. Spit on ev-eryone in power. I heard there was a man who saidthat no matter whether Thing One or Thing Twogets elected the inauguration should be the same:a hollow-point bullet to the orehead. To be imme-diately ollowed by the execution o each and everycongressman and senator. I did not say that, I dontknow who did. It is illegal to say that, illegal to writeit, illegal or an American to think it. (Just as it wasillegal or a Soviet in Stalins day.) I dont know who

would say that.

Spit on everyone in power.

We will learn this or die:the only tribe is the humantribe. The streets and parksand elds belong to us. Weown the sunlight on the grass,a bottle o warm wine in ourhands and a cheap guitar hunground our necks.

And the children willpick dandelions in the

ruins of Washington, DC.


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We own li e. Late at night, alone: rost orming on the windows, a 40-watt bulb in thebedside lamp -- the one without a lampshade -- and a thin book by Jim:

The bullet tumbled toward the girls head at 1250 eet per second. She wasnt the pres-ident, you say, too young or politics. Despite theological gooseshit the gods dont

keep time in light years. Were slowed to the brutality o clocks.

Listen to the alarm. Wake up.

Thats it, then: wake up.

Every one o us will die, but we will continue. We cant go on, but we will go on.The chain o souls sings in our blood, in the only tribe there is, the human tribe.There is a reason the ofcials are on top: it is because scum oats. And there orebe no respecter o government. Subvert the power ul. Mail your congressman anenvelope o spit. Your allegiance is to humankind, not to the corpse o Americaor the stinking remains o a nationalist antasy. Grow up. And learn to sing.

The Emergent Conspiracyby Episkopos Cain

A n emergent behaviour or emergent property can appear when a number of simple entities (agents) operate in an environment, forming more complex behaviours as a collective [...] The complex behaviour or properties are not a property of any single such entity, nor can they easily be predicted or deduced from behaviour in the lower-level entities. - Wikipedia Daring ideas are like Chess men moved forward.They may be beaten, but they may start a winning game. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Its hard to say when the conspiracystarted. Because, the thing is, its not really aconspiracy. Its easy to trace people and interests,childs play really. But tracing ideas...well, thatsanother matter entirely. Some say it dates back to the Yellow Turban Rebellion, where Taoists es-chewed Wu Wei and took matters into their own

hands, collaps-ing the HanDynasty. Oth-ers suggest theAssassins, themystic-killerswho controlledwide tractsof the MiddleEast, as morelikely culprits.More realisti-

cally, the secret authors of the Rosicrucian Manifes-tos are named, setting intomotion a fusion of Hermet-ic philosophy, Renaissance

free thinking and opposition to the Vatican. Thisfiltered into radical Masonic lodges, culminating inthe exemplar secret society, that of the Bavarian Il-luminati.

Others think that looking at the subject toopolitically may in fact be the wrong way of goingabout it. Looking to literature and art, we haveBaudelaire and Poe, influencing the Symbolist move-

The avant-garde are constantly evolving to affect the mainstream

and better protest against it.

10


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i t h i n

a D r e a m

b y

C r a m u l u

s

We talk to ourselves incessantly about our world. In fact we maintain our world with our internaltalk. And whenever we finish talking to ourselves about ourselves and our world, the world is al-ways as it should be. We renew it, we rekindle it with life, we uphold it with our internal talk. Notonly that, but we also choose our paths as we talk to ourselves. Thus we repeat the same choicesover and over until the day we die, because we keep on repeating the same internal talk overand over until the day we die. A warrior is aware of this and strives to stop his internal talk.

-Carlos Castan

Its a Dream Within A Dream

within a dream

within a dream

The difference between a regu-lar dream and a lucid dream isthat in the lucid dream youreaware that youre dreaming.

These dreams are more mem-orable. Despite awareness of the illusion, the experience of seems more real. In a luciddream, you have control overwhats going on. When I real-ize Im not in the real world butin a dream world, I will myself to escape it, to fly away into acooler place.

You can teach yourself how tohave lucid dreams. To do this, you learn to make constant re-ality checks. Some people say you should try flipping a lightswitch on or off (notoriously useless in dreams), or try toread printed text. They provideclues to your mental state andcan wake up your forebrainenough to take the reigns of your consciousness

within a dream

within a dream

See in dreams, your forebrainisnt usually working. Inside your brain, theres a lizard, amonkey, and a human all incompetition. The human iswinning, but only by a little.Its an uneven balance at best.

In dreams, its mostly the mon-

key and the lizard at the wheel.They hold up these images andsymbols and memories and lick them and bang them on rocksand shake them up. Then wewake up and it doesnt makeany sense to us because thoseother two lobes werent tryingto make sense. Theyre irratio-nal by their very nature.

When we dream, they drive.The waking world is a lot likethat too. People only use theirhuman brain for a small por-tion of the day. The rest of thetime the monkey and the lizardare driving. Thats why peopleare territorial, thats why they get defensive, thats why theydo the same stupid shit every day and never question why.

Now Im not saying that thehuman brain is better or moreimportant than the other twobrains you have. That lizardbrain keeps you safe. That


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monkey brain gets you laid. The fore-brain - the humanbrain - is easily con-fused and conflict-

d. From an evolutionary standpoint,s still very new - not fully baked. Millenniarom now, maybe humans will have differ-nt brains, keener and more efficient. Today,

weve got to try to make good use of whatweve got.

here are times in my life when I realizehat Im in a terrible rut and its No Fun. We

walk around with monkey and lizard brainn, just doing things repetitively, ritualisti-ally. These are the best times to make real-y checks. This is the best time to ask Am Ictually awake?

That reality check is about

evaluating whichelements of the rutare necessary and

good and which shouldbe stripped out. For me,the escape from the rutusually involves mepicking up a new hobby,doing something dras-tically different, or insome way altering my day-to-day me. Its sort

of like waking upfrom a dream

within a dreamwithin a dream

But instead waking up in

reality Im really just waking up into anotherdream. Because that new hobby will one dayget boring, andthat new me isin no way theultimate me.

See, its not enoughto be lucid briefly and say (for example)hey, Im miserable be-cause I surround my-self with morons,

and then getnew friends.

Youvegot tok e e pt h a tspark lit.

Youvegot to shine ilight on everything you do and think for yourself all the time. Upon self-examination, Ive realized I have hundreds of opinions and attitudes that are borrowed fromsomewhere else. To some extent, thats thehuman condition.


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People read movie reviews because

hey want an opinion about themovie before they even see it. Peo-ple listen to pundits vivisect thebody politic because they want toknow what supposedly educated,well informed people are thinking. Peopleeligiously watch TV shows that they dont

actually even fucking enjoy. Theres a masshypnosis going on here. The collective con-ciousness has the high ground advantage

over individual consciousness. Were beingblown around like leaves, and the wind isashion, is politics, is culture itself

within a dream

within a dream

Its not just about escaping the rut. Learn towake up, in general, and youll become awarof all the parts of your life that are a dreamLearn to think for yourself and be lucid.

See I believe reality is what you make oit. All the parts of this dream are your creation. Think of something important. Thinkof something boring. Think of somethingexciting. The importance, the boredom, thexcitement, all these things only exist i your mind. Theyre things you actually dhave control over.

Once you realize youre dreaming, you cachange your dream from a nightmare to awet dream. Once you realize that, say, youmorning commute is boring as hell, you canengineer ways to make it less so. Youve ju

got to awaken your forebrain enough.If youre in a nightmare, realize that its nightmare. Realize that its YOUR nighmare. Realize that YOU are the one who making it awful, YOU are the one who dreaming it bad.

So wake up and change it - its a false awaening, but an awakening none the less.


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The point of learning how to wake up is not to

find the top-level reality, but to achieve lucidity within a dream

within a dream...


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The Night Before Christma Munchies by Manta Obscura

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shanty,not a person was stirring,not uncle or aunty.

But through the thin walls I heard a great thumping,a moan and a gasp,the neighbors were humping.

I tried to ignore them and lay my head down,yet even covered in pillows my ears heard the sound.

So rising from bed to escape the perversion,I went to the kitchen in hopes of diversion.

I opened the fridge to find me a snack,yet the food was all moldy,bitter and black.

Unfilled and disgusted I went to find cash,to order a pizza to come in a flash.

Yet the phone kept on ringinno answer in sight,so I bellowed my lungs out,cursing with spite.


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Nancyby Hoopla

At a low period in my li e I was seeking en-lightenment. Lounging in my empty bathtub,

ully clothed, I pondered the state o this sor-ry world. Wondering why there was so muchcon usion and stri e a icting so many; won-dering i this was this and that was that, andwhether tit really did anything or tat. Realizing thatI wasnt philosophizing anymore and merely invokingSuess I decided that it was time to move outdoors,or resh air and sun, to seek my enlightenment inthe world.

On the sidewalk I ound an Oh Henry bar. Looking

around, I saw nobody who seemed ready to lay aclaim on it - the bar seemed to be up or grabs. Icrouched down and examined it closely, withouttouching it, o course. I wasnt about to become in-snared by some intrepid alien or big game hunter. Ididnt detect any strings, and the sidewalk around thecandy seemed kosher. The bar was mine. Snatchingit up, I moved to a bench to consume it in com ort atmy own leisure. It was chocolatey, it was caramely,it was nugetty, it was sweet and it was gooey. It didnot, however, enlighten me.

Sitting on the bench, Isighed. Where next should Iseek my enlightenment? AsI mulled this query over Inoticed a small book on thebench next to me. Curious,I picked it up, and read thecover; it was the CollectedShort Stories o O. Henry.

This was a stunning coinci-dence. This, undoubtedly,

meant something. As I opened the book to perusethe contents I was struck by something that madethe book altogether more strange - all the pageswere torn out, save those between f ty-fve and six-ty-nine, a story entitled The Green Door. I eltthis story must be o cosmic signifcance, and so de-voured it on the spot. Here would be the answers tothe cause o all the stri e and con usion in the world.I read the story in a ew minutes, and chuckled onceor twice, was saddened at least once, and sighed atthe end. The story was touching and amusing, but Idid not, however, answer my questions.

I elt perplexed. I elt con used. I elt discombobu-lated. I did not, however, eel enlightened.

Still searching, I walked.

I walked fve blocks, and was then struck down tothe pavement with another stunning coincidence. Aporno theatre was showing a revival o Behind TheGreen Door. This was a stunning synchronicity. This,undoubtedly, meant something. I paid my admission,bought another Oh Henry bar at the candy counter,and ventured into the theatre. The movie had al-ready started as I made my way through the sick-eningly clammy sound o about f ty people beatingtheir meat in the audience. I shu ed into the backrow and tried to fnd a seat which hadnt been is-

sued upon. As I sat down -just or a laugh- I beganto smack the palm o my hand against the back omy neck uriously, and moan overly loud. The mon-key spanking subsided or about seventeen seconds.I chuckled to mysel , and began to unwrap my candybar.

As I took the frst bite I realized the movie hadstopped in place on the screen. Marilyn Chamberslegs were spread-eagled, and all her glory was centerstage, so to speak. So many euphemisms which are


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inappropriate rattled through my brain... tacos andbeavers should not be compared to the same parto the body described as The Mound O Venus. Asthis thought uttered through my mind I also noticedthe silence in the theatre. There were nosounds o auto eroticism whatsoever, in actmy ellow patrons seemed to be petrifed inthe more literal sense. I became alarmedby this, but was even more alarmed whenMarilyn Chambers bush on-screen burstinto ames, and began to speak to me.

BARON VON HOOPLA, a satiny emalevoice called rom the burning bush.

YOU MADE LEVITY IN A PLACE OFSOLEMN WORSHIP.

I gulped, since there seemed little else todo under the circumstances.

HOW DO YOU STAND AGAINST THESECHARGES? the emale voice asked. Guilty,I hiccuped. I had mocked the meat-beaters. My can-dy bar was melting in my hand. I could eel it.

GOOD. said the voice. YOURE ONE OF MINE.

Who, who are you? I asked.

I YAM WHO I YAM, came the reply.

Popeye?! I ex-claimed. It didntsound like Popeye.

NAY, I AM CALLEDERIS NANCY DIS-CORDIA. GODDESSOF CHAOS CON-FUSION STRIFE

CREATIVITY ANDBUREAUCRACY.

I AM THE HODGE OF THE RISING PODGE ANDTHE PODGE OF THE SINKING HODGE - GRANDWAZOO OF ALL THINGS FUNNY.

Why have you chosen me? I asked, not cowering asblatantly as a ew minutes prior, but still coweringnonetheless.

FOR YOU ARE A GOOD APPLE.

YOU ARE AWAKE ENOUGH TO QUESTION, SKEP-TICAL ENOUGH TO QUESTION THE APPARENT

ANSWERS, GULLIBLE ENOUGH TO FOLLOWMYSTERY, HUMOROUS ENOUGH TO MOCK THESERIOUS AND SERIOUS ENOUGH TO AWAKENIN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU EMBODY THE IDEALS OF THE SACREDCHAO, AND LO, I DEEM YOU A KEEPER OF IT.

Onto the ceiling o the theatre, the fre rom the burn-ing bush traced out a design. It was a circle bisectedby an S shape; on one side was depicted an appleemblazoned with a K, on the other a pentagon.Its some or o Yin Yang? I asked.

THE YIN YANG IS A FORM OF THE SACREDCHAO. IT IS A REPRESENTATION OF THE UNI-VERSE. ALL THE ANSWERS YOU SEEK WILLBE FOUND WITHIN THAT CIRCLE, WHICH IS

THE SERPENT SWALLOWING ITS OWN TAIL.Thats the answer to why there is so much stri e andcon usion in the world? I dont understand . . . whyan apple and a pentagon?CHAOS IS THE ENTIRE CIRCLE, ONE HALF ISORDER, THE OTHER DISORDER. THEY AREBOTH NATURAL MANIFESTATIONS OF THEUNDERLYING CHAOS.


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ONCE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU UNDER-STAND EVERYTHING. FARE THEE WELL-

Wait! One more question! Whats the best way todeal with the stri e and con usion o the world?

LAUGHTER! came the reply. FARE THEE WELL-Wait! One last question! Why Nancy??

WHAT?

Why Eris Nancy Discordia? I asked. Why Nancy?

NANCYS A NICE NAME. FARE THEE WELLKEEPER OF MY SACRED CHAO! SPREAD MYWORD - ALL MEN SHALL BE SAILORS THENUNTIL THE SEA SHALL FREE THEM!

Wait! I called, You stole that rom Leonard Cohen!

NAY - HE STOLE THAT FROM ME.

Thus, I was enlightened.The bush ceased to burn. The flm ran orward.The manhandling kicked back in, but sounded moreserene this time, like a gentle rain all on a tin roo .I stood up and noticed a small book on the seat nextto me.

I took it out into the light o the lobby and read thetitle, Principia Discordia, I heard a emale voice inthe center o my head say READ IT: BELIEVE ALL

OF IT, BELIEVE NONE OF IT.

I walked outside, and promptly slipped on a bananapeel, while thinking Indeed, do many strange thingscome to pass.


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InternationalRelations

by Cain

I know you could probably look thisup on Wikipedia, but

1. Wikipedia is boring, and

2. Wikipedia does not tell you amusinganecdotes about various theories and theo-rists.

In short, International Relations isthe study of anything that crosses bor-ders. In that sense, it studies (amongother things) trade, war, political sci-ence, sociology, terrorism, aid organiza-tions, history and ethics. It is like politi-cal science, writ large. Also, unlike thetraditional understanding of politics (theleft-right and authoritarian-libertarian dis-tinction) IR uses its own spe-cialist jargon, some of whichis counterintuitive to thoseunfamiliar with the basicsof our understanding of thesubject.

The first lesson is the basic approach-es to Grand Theory in IR. Grand Theory

is essentially the Big Overarching Ideaswhich the majority of scholars subscribe to,and tend to use in their analysis of worldevents. It is of course not necessary to sub-scribe to one yourself (I would suggest youdo not), but understanding their strengthsand weaknesses, especially without resort-ing to a pick and mix approach of analysis(which tends to end up in horrible, logic

contorting conclusions) is very helpful in-deed.

RealismRealism is pretty much the

oldest theory. Some people traceit back to Thucydides and hismasterful History of the Peloponnesian

War in the west, and to Sun Tzu in the east.Other notable theorists would include Au-gustine, Machiavelli, Thomas Hobbes,Carl Schmitt, Hans Morgenthau, Henry Kissinger, John Mearsheimer and Stephen Walt (the last two being the writers of therecent Israel Lobby book).

If Realism could only be summedup in one word, the word would be powerFor Realists power is of primary impor-

tance, especially military andeconomic clout, which mossee as intertwined. As far aRealists are concerned, mostpolitics is about power, andthe continual quest to grab,acquire and use power. Real

ists generally see the international systemas anarchical. By that, they mean there is

no overarching world authority who cancompel states to obey its will. Thereforestates acquire power to protect themselvesagainst the uncertainty of the world.

With no-one else who can be relied on in adangerous situation, states must rely ontheir own arms and resources for theircontinued influence in the world.

If Realism couldonly be summedup in one word,the word would

be power.


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Also for Realists, the state is thebasic unit of analysis. Either because of structural reasons or human psychology,all states are essentially alike in their aimsand intentions. Therefore, it does not mat-ter if a state is a democracy, a fascist dic-tatorship, a theocracy or a monarchy. All,

according to Realist thinking, act accord-ing to the above factors of power and anar-chy, not on their stated ideology.

As one would expect, Realists mostly concern themselves with grand strategy is-sues. Such things as the Balance of Power,Offense-Defense Balance, Alliance Theory and Deterrence feature highly on a Realistcurriculum.

There are several notable strands of Realism:

Classical Realism - the basic prob-lem is human nature. People are untrust-worthy and vicious, therefore you must betoo, in order to not fall foul of them. Key thinkers: Machiavelli, Thucydides, Hob-bes, Augustine.

Neorealism - this reverses the logicof Classical Realism, stating that instead,the basic problem is anarchy. Neoreal-ism tends to be highly abstract, and dealsmainly with how the structure of the in-ternational system (anarc hy) constrains

the choices of the actorswithin. Conflict is still

seen as a

permanent condition. Your main peoplehere are Kenneth Waltz and Stephen Walt.

Offensive Realism - this is asub-branch of Neorealism, made popu-lar by John Mearsheimer. Here, the ba-sic idea, in addition to the assumptions of Neorealism, is that states will seek to max-imize their power by seeking to becomehegemons.

Defensive realism - another variantof Neorealism. In this case, the focus is onthe security dilemma (how one state build-ing up defences can be seen as threaten-

ing by another state) and how security isessentially a zero-sum game. Defensiverealism thus often looks to Game Theory for its inspiration. Waltz, Walt and Robert Jervis fall into this school of thought.

Liberal Realism - also known as theEnglish School, the idea here is that de-spite the anarchical international system,there is still something approaching asociety of states, and thus potential con-flict can be mitigated, in part, through

use of international organizationssuch as the UN. Liberal Realismcombines critiques from Construc-tivism, Critical Theory/the Frank-furt School and post-structuralismto posit the idea that ideas matter

and shape relations as much as material


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capabilities. Hedley Bull andMartin Wright are part of thisschool of thought, thoughas stated, influences de-rive from many fields andindividuals.

Neoclassical Realism - thiscombines the psychological in-sights of classical realism alongwith Neorealist structural concerns to try and determine the foreign policies of individ-ual states, rather than the structure of the International System.

As can be seen, Realism very much derives from realpolitik practices, which the like of Metternicht or Bismarck, as well asvarious foreign policy hawks/national security specialists and acertain flavour of religious individual (such as Pastor Nie-buhr) with their focus on Original Sin, would find attractive.It would not be entirely inaccurate to see links to generally conservative political viewpoints.

However, that is not always the case. Hans Morgen-thau is widely considered the founder of modern Realistthought, and was a liberal Jew who fled Nazi Germany andprotested against the Vietnam War. The amoral nature of Realist analysis means one can agree with the general con-

clusions, while finding them morally repugnant or accept-able, depending on ones personal viewpoint.

Robert Kaplan is another example of the tragic real-ist who values American norms and mores concerning free-dom, liberal democracy etc. Yet he advocates methods suchas deception, assassination and carefully applied state terrorin certain situations, as he feels warrants such a response(naturally, he considers such events to be few, and that they are backed up by the normally exemplary behaviour of liberal democraciestowards their citizens). Zbigniew Brzezinski was the foreign pol-icy advisor to President Carter, yet a dyed-in-the-wool Realist, aswas Kissinger, Nixons advisorand alleged war criminal.


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The Swallow by Ratatosk, Squirrel of Discord

In birds have poets often

found their muse,both in their flight and in their feathered hues.

The Raven, dark as blood dried on a knife.The Songbird, calling spring from death to life.

Thus birds can be beloved or despised Based on the things theyve often symbolized

Yes, symbols might make up the way we see,the citizens of every bush

and tree.From stately hawk to vultures in the air,and early birds delight in wormy fare.

Though might is often tied to

creatures size,That is not where the swal- lows power lies,

And while it may catch insectson the wing,I write about a very different thing.

Perhaps some few shall see through my intent, And understand just what the Swallow meant.

It may be small but you can beassured a Swallow on its own has often

cured, An ailment that could brinyour spirits low and limit when you come andwhere you go.

To save you from some twenty years of work,Invoke the swallow and banishthe stork.

(So before you think my words ring hollow,I present a poem of the Swallow.)


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t h e P o p e i

s D e a

a b e l i e f i s

j u

a t h o u g h t y o

u

ke e p h a v i n g


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Knowing We Aby St. Verbatim

I used to tell people we live in an An-archist Utopia. It was a kind of IRL troll inthe days I used to hang out with activist-types. It was a lot of fun, because it is a very difficult claim difficult to argue against:we are all free to do as we will. You cansmoke a joint in front of a police station -you just have to be prepared to deal withthe consequences. You can do anythingyou can get away with.

It is very easy to confuse what wecant do with what we shouldnt do. It is alltoo easy to forget that we have the choice.The internet pirate, downloading andpropagating stolen materials, he has thechoice. And stopping at a red light, I hadthe choice to keep going and risk arrest orinjury.

Freedom, in this its most ba-sic sense, seems rather constant inhuman history across space andtime. The only way people havemanaged to truly limit freedomin this sense is imprisonment of others - and this has always been

applied to a small minority, evenin extreme cases where entire eth-nic groups were rounded up andconfined.

So if we sense we are in astate of decreasing freedom, clear-ly the freedom we are referring tois not this freedom of I used totell people we live in an Anarchist

Utopia. It was a kind of IRL troll in thedays I used to hang out with activist-types.It was a lot of fun, because it is a very dif-ficult claim difficult to argue against: weare all free to do as we will. You can smokea joint in front of a police station - you justhave to be prepared to deal with the conse-quences. You can do anything you can getaway with.

It is very easy to confuse what wecant do with what we shouldnt do. It is alltoo easy to forget that we have the choice.The internet pirate, downloading andpropagating stolen materials, he has thechoice. And stopping at a red light, I hadthe choice to keep going and risk arrest orinjury.


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A Clarification by The Good Reverend Roger

Apparen ly, a leas one or wo o you havemisunders ood every hing Ive ried o say or he

las ew years. Youve missed he poin , so I guess Imgonna have o explain my posi ion in small words. Tellme i Im yping his oo as or you.

Look, when I bi ched abou he republic beingdead, and reedom being a dying ar , I wasn elling you o ACCEPT hese hideous ru hs! I wasn elling you o give up, and roll in o a e al ball in he corner!Goddammi , youd BETTER holler when he rock hi s you, because when youre dead, youll shu up like hell!

And when I wro e or kill me, jus wha he uckdid you hink I was rying o say? Well, le me ell youone las hideous ru h... here IS reedom, bu nobodyis going o give i o you. No your rich paren s. No your governmen (har har!). Your mili ary isn gh -ing or your reedom (and i you hink hey are, boy do Ihave a real es a e deal or you!).

No, youll jus have o ake i or yoursel , juslike hose ass ards back in he 18 h cen ury. Andi hey ry o s op you, you have o kick hem in he jimmy. And youll have o kick hem un il hey le youhave your reedom, or un il hey kill you. And un il heydo, youd beter live a li e WORTHY o a ree person!Don jus ea ha cheeseburger, ea he HELL ouo i ! Go nu s! Kick shi over, have a blas , and enjoywha litle ime you ge be ore hey bring he hammerdown on you!

Shi , do you hink heyre gonna le me geaway wi h MY shi orever? Theyve already ried olock me up wice, and hree imes is a charm. No, one

day Ill disappear...Ill jus s op showing up, and youwonder why or a litle while, and hen youll ge backo bickering abou music, e c, and Ill ade rom yourmemory. Jus ano her oul-mou hed hug rom heSou hwes , who ried o bring back he Wild Wes andailed.

Un il he day hey come or YOU. Oh, and heyWILL. Maybe no Bush and his crew... heyre on helas legs. Bu maybe Hillary and HER crew...you ARE

disrup ive bunch, and youll never make i on Oprah. Smaybe youll be shun ed of o a re-educa ion camp inNew Hampshire, where youll be bea en like a ra everday, or your own good.

And on THAT day, riends, youll wish youd ened. Youll wish youd grabbed ha ephemeral hingwe call reedom by he neck and choked he shi ouo i . Youll wish you realized earlier wha you s oodo lose. Well, a rs . In a mon h or so, youll s arresponding o he herapy, and youll wonder wha

all he uss was abou . The sun will shine down on o your grey pajamas, and even he mud o he camp rec-rea ion area will look warm and invi ing. Youll realiha They really do love you, even when youre bad. An

you love hem.

You love Big Brother.

Bang.

Or Kill Me.


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A n o t e f r o m T e l a r u s , K S C : I h a d a l o t o f f u n l a y i n g o u t t r e -i s s u e o f I n t e r M i t t e n s 0 1 . I h oy o u l i k e i t , a n d h o p e t o s e e a lo f y o u c o n t r i b u t i n g t o f u r t hi s s u e s . O h , a n d n e x t t i m e ....... I gp a i d f o r l a y o u t .

I w i l l a c c e p t h e m p s c r i p t .

Media Mindfuckingby The Good Reverend Roger

It has been said by wiser men thanme that evil has its own attraction.Any time there is chaos or econom-ic failure, the idea of strong orga-

nization becomes very palatableto domesticated primates...So they turn to things like police forceswearing military-type uniforms,etc. Theres a certain magic in fas-cism, that appeals to people whentimes are rotten.

A good example is the ICE branchof the US Customs office, which

is now part of DHS instead of the Treasury Department.

ICE officers do not wear the police-style uniforms wornby other federal policing agencies, but rather the digitalcamouflage uniforms worn by the US Army. There is, of course, no need for this uniform other than to give an in-timidating, paramilitary appearance to the officers.

Germany did that, once.

Another thing people tend to do when times get rocky isto view dissenters as treasonous or at least obstruction-ist. The press, if not completely on board with the political

leadership, is castigated and - if possible - silenced.

An example of this is todays removal of Keith Ol-bermann from the RNC convention coverage, as heobjected to the airing of a 911-themed film shown atthe convention. To show part of such a clip is simply reporting...but to show the entire clip is essentially unpaid advertising for the party in question on thepart of the network. To show an entire speech is alsoresponsible journalism, but an entire, packaged pro-paganda piece?

That goes beyond journalism, into mouthpiece ter-ritory. And a captive and/or sycophantic media is anabomination...Indeed, our free press is merely anunofficial branch of the so-called government.

I dont know about you, but its time to start fuckingwith the media

intermittens vol 01.23

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