It’s five o’clock, campers!

While we wait for the bartender to deliver those

drinks, Grade “A” Fancy will be trying something

a little different this go ’round. With this issue we

bust into the dog-eat-more-famous-dog world of

celebrity journalism. Scandal, glamour, heartache

and triumph will be on display as we hobnob with

a true superstar. Today we offer the exclusive first

interview with true cocktail royalty—the Martini.

Enjoy the dish, but don’t expect any nipple slips or

upskirt photos. Martini is a class act all the way.

Grade “A” Fancy: How are you?

Martini: I’m simply not myself today—some damn fool tried to assemble me without using any vermouth. What is it with kids these days? (shudder)

GAF: You’ve been around a long time, but always manage to seem so fresh. What’s the secret?

M: Fresh ice. Vitamin B treatments. And I fly to France to have my vermouth changed every week.

GAF: If it’s not too intimate, what are your ideal proportions?

M: Oh, I want EVERYONE to know! I fluctuate anywhere from 1-to-1 to 9-to-1. I think I’m at my best when I’m 3-to-1 or a dry 4-to-1, depending

on my gin. People have really got the wrong idea about me sometimes. They go by hearsay and follow the pack and high-hat the wine side of my family, which I resent, because they don’t even know us. Our vermouth is sophisticated, complex, and great at mitigating inconsistencies and harsh-ness.

GAF: Are you a modernist?

M: I’m clean, slick, streamlined, and aerodynamic, baby.

GAF: You are such a major presence on the cocktail scene—an icon, to use an overused term—but what are your influences?

M: Diamonds, chrome, hot jazz, skyscrapers...

GAF: Oh come on, now. Enough with the Art Deco, we know you’re older than you’re pretend-ing to be.

M: Okay: gentian, hailstorms, horseradish, spring water, genever, silver sequins, all things floral and herbal but at the same time clean and bracing.

GAF: Tell us about the early days. Whatever happened to Martinez?

M: She shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Oh, sorry. (grins) Ah, em, Martinez, Marguerite, I tried a lot of stage names before I really got my

act down. Martini just took off. What can I say? But to be fair, I was very different in those days—sweeter, if you can believe it! Har!

GAF: What’s Bernard DeVoto really like?

M: You mean the guy from the Buzzcocks? (winks) Only kidding. Don’t even start me on Bernard. That’s one weekend I never want to remember. Pain in the ass. And he was always trying to mold me into a goddess. To his credit, at least he didn’t buy into the drier-and-drier-still arms race silliness that was current at the time.

GAF: You’ve been in so many movies and worked with all the greats. For my money your most glamorous co-star was Myrna Loy in The Thin Man. Any personal faves you’d like to mention?

M: I’d have to say I’m partial to Percy Dovetonsils.

GAF: Your image is one of matchless elegance, yet you have been known to—how do I say this—to get a little “dirty” sometimes.

M: It’s fun to try something different now and then, isn’t it? So long as you don’t take it too far and lose your identity. As the pomade hustlers said, “A little dab’ll do ya.”

GAF: Any predictions for the new season of “Mad Men”?

M: Love the show, of course, because it was a great time for me, that goes without saying. But honestly, if they ever make it to the ’70s I’m afraid I’ll be out of a job. Next thing you know it’ll be white wine spritzers and Harvey Wallbangers. Not my scene. I notice they’re already setting up the Martini drinkers versus the pot smokers to illustrate a generation gap.

GAF: Is there such a thing as “tee many Martoonis”?

M: Oh, good god, yes. You don’t want to know the trouble I’ve seen.

GAF: You sometimes—how shall I put this—arrive at my table weighing a few ounces more than I remembered you. If you’ll forgive me, it really doesn’t flatter. Let’s talk about your vessel size.

M: Oh, yeah, that started around the ’50s . Big fins on cars, Jayne Mansfield, and all that. Then those balloon white wine glasses in the big ’80s and on to today’s supersized sodas and heart- attack portions and doggie bags. Oversized glass-ware for li’l ol’ me, trying to bamboozle folks into thinking they’re getting more for less. They make me feel like I’m on a date at Denny’s. I mean, really, how glamorous is that? Me! Martini! The most famous cocktail in the world. I can tell you this, a big “caraf-tan” does not do me any favors. I put on those extra ounces and I just get warm

and sluggish, when I should be spry, snappy and refreshing.

GAF: So many drinks are using your name lately. I image you have some strong views on identity theft?

M: I simply do not understand why they do it, do you? A little creativity wouldn’t hurt. Making up a name is half the fun! A new drink comes along, fine, I’ve seen ’em come and go, so good luck. In this business it’s really hard to last, but it can be done if the people like you. I just don’t know why they all think cashing in on my nom de boisson will make the difference. Vodka and Sour Apple Pucker isn’t going to taste any bet-ter if you call it an Apple Martini instead of, oh, what would be more accurate? Sweet and Sour Stomachache?

GAF: Let’s dish a little. I heard Tom Collins is gay!

M: Oh, her! Meow!

GAF: So, Gibson is your twin sister, right? Or is it identical cousins like on “The Patty Duke Show”?

M: You’re really putting me in a pickle here. More like Serena and Samantha, if you get my drift. I’m not telling which is naughty and which is nice.

GAF: Let’s put this one to bed once and for all: shaken or stirred?

M: Just get me cold, that’s all I’m asking. Is that so hard? I am ill when these know-nothings just plop my bits in a shaker and then hustle me out. Shaking rustles me up, sure, but there is NO WAY I will be warm when I emerge, and ‘that’s a good thing.’ (Yes, Martha, I will send the C note.) If you cannot stir me properly, go ahead and shake, especially in the summer. A Martini, like revenge, is best served cold.

Martini’sFavoriteEscorts

Martini is at her best when accompanied by foods that complement her. Salted almonds and all sorts of olives are natural companions, but here are some other soulmates Martini will find simpático.

Smoked Trout, Salmon, or GravlaxOnion and Juniper BreadLos Beyos CheeseShrimp CocktailDeviled EggsCucumberArugulaApples

So much has been said of, and far, far too much has been done to the Martini cocktail, that one feels perhaps it would be more respectful to let it alone with its dignity intact. Yet it is my duty as CMO (Chief Mix-ing Officer) of Grade “A” Fancy Company of New York City to disclose our method in the Martini making process. The directors of the company came upon the ideal Martini formula through numerous five o’clock conferences and wrist-straining research in our mahogany board room. It began with a discussion concerning one of life’s dilemmas: olive or twist? Lithe lemon peel infuses the cocktail with aromatic citrus oil freshness. Beefy olive delivers a briny, earthy low note most intensely delicious in the final sip; as a bonus, one also gains a snack, and as few saloons can bring themselves to serve a measly chip or nut these days, it’s a necessity. Most among us of an adult sort have long ago chosen our garnish and stuck by it.

It is with a humble bow to our distinguished foremixers that we present the best of both worlds, the Ideal Martini.

For two cocktails:

4 ounces gin 1 ounce dry vermouth (or your preferred proportions[1])

Pre-chill two cocktail glasses. (Store a few in the freezer and you’ll always be as prepared as a thirsty Boy Scout.)

Half-fill a shaker or mixing glass with ice.

Twist a nice-sized strip of very fresh lemon peel (the yellow zest—no white, no pulp) over the shaker to release a spray of lemon oil, then drop the peel into the shaker.

Add your liquors.[2]

Stir until well-chilled, or shake if you prefer.[3]

Strain into your prepared cocktail glasses.

Spike green cocktail olive(s) with a fancy tooth-pick or sword; add & serve.

A toast: “Now that’s Ideal!”

[1] Should you wish to argue proportions, save that for a barstool when you’re buying. If you choose to drink 99.9% gin in giant V-shaped bowls, it’s your loss. [2] Specifics: Bombay (not Sapphire), Hendrick’s, Gordon’s or Plymouth gin are our usual choices, and Dolin or Noilly Prat vermouth. Use what you like but make sure your vermouth is fresh and stored in the refrigerator after opening. It’s wine; it’s going to go off eventually. Bad Martinis and Manhattans are often the fault of petrified vermouth. [3] Most bartending textbooks advise stirring a Martini. Shaking can give a cloudy appearance and is instructed only for cocktails that contain fruit juice. Yet The British Medical Journal tells us that the aeration of a Martini from shaking increases its antioxidant powers. Enjoy yourself and stir or shake as you prefer.

TheIdeal

Martini

Nothing like a Martini but then again, everything like it. An original from the Grade “A” Fancy test kitchens, our own Cóctel de Manzanilla. Smoky and muy delicioso.

For two cocktails:

4 1/2 ounces gin 1 1/2 ounce Manzanilla sherry

Pre-chill two glasses.

Half-fill a shaker or mixing glass with ice.

Add your liquors.

Stir until well-chilled, or shake if you prefer.

Strain into your prepared cocktail glasses.

Spear a Manzanilla olive on a cocktail pick and add to the glass.

Variation: Replace the olive with an orange twist to prevent scurvy.

A toast: “¡Arriba, abajo, al centro, para adentro!”

CócteldeManzanilla

Grade “A” Fancy

is published by

Karen McBurnie&

Jon Hammeruntil they run out of ice. © 2010

All words and artworks are original,as in we no stealee nothing.

grade.A.fancymag@Gmail.com