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Appendix I

THE NIECE-WIFE

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Ente r FOOTMAN.THE FOOTMAN. Your Vice-Lordship, it's your friend, Lawyer

Parboil, as wants a word with you.THE VISCOUNT. Couldn't have come at a better moment! The

shrewdest lawyer hatched this season! We'll get his opinion.THE VISCOUNTESS. Yippee! (F ille d w ith d elig ht, s he d an c es a ro u nd

th e ro o m, c la pp in g h er h an ds .)THE BARON AND THE VISCOUNT . !! ( Th e y c o n te m pl at e

h e r in a st on is hm e n t)THE VISCOUNT ( to th eVISCOUNTESS).No, no, no! Thatwon'tdo

at all. As things stand, it's essential that you should lookwo rried (ToFOOTMAN.) Show the gentleman in!

Ente r LAWYER PARBOILTHE VISCOUNT. My dear quibbler and scribbler, del ightedto see

you! Allow me to introduce my niece!THE VISCOUNTESS ( cu rts e ys a n d b lo w s k is s es ).LAWYER PARBOIL. B... b. . b. .. b. .. but! She's your wife!

THE BARON. He is determined to make her his niece. I'vetold him that he must inevitably incur the sanctions of thelaw!

LAWYER PARBOIL. Er .. no. Not as a matter of principle. Inthe eyes of the law, it is perfectly admissible for the san.;-eindi-vidual to be both an uncle and a nephew, an aunt and a niece, anuncle and an aunt a father and a mother, so why not, equallysimultaneously and equally legally, a WIfe and a niece?

THE VISCOUNT. Phew! What a relief! Dear friend of mine, dearlawyer-of-my-heart, you've hit the nail on the head, you've noidea how deeply your words affect me. . . .

LAWYER PARBOIL. Not so fast, not so fast! \Ve'll have to scruti-nise the implications .. it's not so free, you see . nor S0easy .. cross-philonepotism i~ decidedly :rn-.,". Th~ lawembodies innumerable sub-provisos, from which, m to to ,It maybe deduced that every individual case entails exceptional rulings.There you have the celebrated fundamental principle, viz., thatthe Law incarnates the universal, while each case falls to 1 1 1

APPENDIX

THE VISCOUNTESS. Bar-crawler! I bet you got called thepurpose!

THE BARON ( as id e , to th eNIECE). That's none of your barb(Aloud.) If an uncle marries his niece, that consti tutes inc

THE VISCOUNTESS. He's only playing with words.THE BARON. And incest, if I recall aright, is deemed a felo

contravention of the Law.LAWYER PARBOIL. The Law esteems itself feloniously

travened, only in cases where one at least of the partnersincest is found to be demonstrably unconsenting. Wherehave two consenting partners . as you have here, if I amistaken ...

THE VISCOUNTESS. I'll say we're consenting!THE VISCOUNT. Indubitably!LAWYER PARBOIL. Well then, so long as both par

consenting, there is no infringement of the law.THE VISCOUNT. Ah!

THE VISCOUNTESS. Ah! Ah! (S he c la ps h er h an ds .)THE BAR 0 N. None the less, my dear Parboil- forgive my

tence - in the actual case under discussion there is a veryobjection.

THE VISCOUNT. I beg your leave to disagree totally, myBaron.

THE BARON.My dear Viscount, you are well aware that I reand honour every nuance of opinion ... and even sucontradict my own. I have made no secret of the fact thapersonal cogitations diverge quite categorically from yours

THE VISCOUNT. A most unfortunate circumstance .. For

arguments, I assure you, could hardly be more weighty .THE BARON. Hardly more weighty than mine . Do I un

stand you to be saying .THE VISCOUNT. You understand me to be saying nothing,

take good care of that ... My good friend, you misconme! Come, come! An end to these misunderstandings betwus.


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I agree, 111 q ) 1marry his niece, but only on condition. that heshould not already be her husband ... For if he 1S, thenflagrantly he lays himself open to a charge of bigan:isn;-, andbigamism is a felony subject to the severest penalties m theStatute-Book.

LA,WYER PARBOIL. Nevertheless, case-law does furnish a

precedent allowing precisely for this eventuality. I WOUld.referyou to the Law Reports, Article L. Double-Oy'w.C., Reg:na v.Flushwater, wherein provision is made, see footnotes, for mt,ra-conjugal adoption, alluded to elsewhere as nuptio-a~optl:econjugation, whereby the act of a husband who makes his wifehis adopted niece is legally condoned.

THE BARON. Then there's a flaw in the law!LAWYER PARBOIL. Not ex-actly. It looks like it, but it isn' t. It's

not the same thing, not quite. It's what we lawyers call a false orforged flaw. I myself have composed a monograph - which.is onthe way to becoming a standard textbook on th~ subject>-

expounding the theory of false or forged flaws, both m our owncommon-law tradit ion, and in International Law.THE BARON. But, then . if it's a forged flaw, both man and

wife can be prosecuted for forgery.LAWYER PARBOIL. I suppose so, if you really wanted to m~ke

an issue of it. In practice, though, the Courts tend to tur~ a blindeye in that direction. Particularly, of course, when their Lord-ships happen to be asleep.

THE BARON. I'll find ways and means to wake them up, you bet Iwill! Because I ntend to bring an action.

THE VISCOUNT. And what do you stand to gain by that?

THE BARON. That's my business!THE VISCOUNTESS. I know, I know ... he told me ... he'sjealous. He desires carnal possession of me.

THE BARON. That's a fact. And between niece and uncle, nocarnal separation is legally permissible.

LAWYER PARBOIL. That's a fact. The law makes no provision.

for it.SCO ll h d d b i ?

APPENDIX

proach the Viscount and formally to request the handVice-Countessjand, inasmuch as he is both her uncle anlegal guardian, the Viscount has, of course, a right toit.

THE BARON. Only her hand? That won't get us very far!LAWYER PARBOIL. Patience, patience! Subsequently, as man

wife, they may proceed to the act of carnal separation.THE BARON. Sounds complicated to me.THE VISCOUNT. Sounds impossible ... In practice, it w

result in the annulment of the nuptio-adoptive conjugationTHE VISCOUNTESS. In practice, my dear, yes - but perhaps

in the eye of the law?LAWYER PARBOIL. Correct indeed. In the eye of the law -THE ViSCOUNT. In your opinion, then, I should retai

customary rights over the woman ...LAWYER PARBOIL. Over the Vice-Countess? Of course.THE BARON. Empirically, she shall be mine!

LAWYER PARBOIL. Empirically . .. but nothing more! Nonless, you stand to gain in that you may empirically eximperative imperium over her imperfection.

THE BAR 0 N. Whoopee! I shall emphatically exercise same.THE VISCOUNT. For worser or for best.THE BARON. Done!LAWYER PARBOIL. I am delighted to find such a measu

agreement among all parties ... an out-of-court settlemeso infinitely preferable to an interminable lawsuit.

THE VISCOUNTESS. SOnow we can all kiss and make frienMutual embraces all round.

LAWYER PARBOIL. And now nothing remains but to fulfprereq uisi tes . . .

THE VISCOUNT (ca lls the FOOTMAN). Where 's my FoJacques!

Enter FOOTMAN.THE FOOTMAN. Sir?THE VISCOUNT. Fulfil the prerequisites!THE FOOTMAN Th ' l d fill d f ll i ! T h b i


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THE FOOTMAN. We're running short of them, your Lordship.THE VISCOUNTESS. Oh, use your nous, fellow!THE FOOTMAN. Very good, sir. I'll get in touch with the man

from the Army-and-Navy Stores, sir ..

ionesco the niece wife0001

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