It’s All About FRED

Forget that sissy Paddington! This little bear likes Boddingtons!The TRUE STORY of a hard drinking, fast living cub,

who never said no to a honey!

By Ray Holley

Welcome to my book.

Let’s start out with a poem!

I am a little bear;

I like to sing and dance.

And, if you don’t believe me;

I’ll punch you in the pants!

It’s All About FRED

The Story of a Little Bear With a Big MouthHeart

Author Ray Holley (pictured at left with Fred after a night of crazed debauchery) has wasted years hanging out with Fred, partying hard and learning everything there is to know about salmon and honey. Holley has written a tell-all book that will expose the secret life of teddy bears.

This “book” would not have been possible without the help and inspiration of Fred’s adopted mom, Lynn Woznicki, and the patience of the Adobe Queen, Cyndi Reese.

Any resemblance to fact contained herein is purely coincidental.

© 2009 Ray HolleyNot available in stores.

1A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

The Story of a Bear f It’s All About FRED

CHAPtER 1In which Fred finds a home ...

2A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

It’s All About FRED f The Story of a Bear

oNCE upon a time, there were two

young lovers, named Lynn and Ray. They lived carefree lives, with very few responsibilities. They drank tequila, rode their bikes and made out in the park.

They were happy and not the least bit lonely.

They had no idea what was next!

3A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

The Story of a Bear f It’s All About FRED

CHANGE c a m e to their

home on Christmas Day 1994, when “Uncle” Pete came to visit, carrying a mysterious package. Pete and his “friend” Angela had been to FAO Schwartz and adopted a little bear for their friends Lynn and Ray. Heeding the example of his hero, George Foreman, Ray named the little bear Fred. Lynn and Ray had lots of other bears, and they were all named Fred. It made it so darn easy to remember their names!

But, Fred wasn’t like the other bears ...

“Uncle” Pete and his “friend” Angela.

Gee, I thought I was special!

4A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

It’s All About FRED f The Story of a Bear

FRED was a l i t t l e

dusty from the shelf at the toy store, so he had to have a bath right away. He was not happy! “I’m all bent out of shape,” he cried. That’s when Lynn and Ray realized that Fred could talk. “Oh my goodness,” said Lynn. “Oh hell,” said Ray.

Blah blah blah ...

When you have a talking bear, your life is never quite the same ...

5A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

The Story of a Bear f It’s All About FRED

CHAPtER 2In which Fred struggles with adolescence ...

6A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

It’s All About FRED f The Story of a Bear

FRED was a wild child, rebelling,

smoking reefer and getting into trouble with the cops. He once tried to extort money from “Uncle” Pete by faking his own kidnapping. Lynn and Ray were distraught. They didn’t know what to do with this unruly cub. Then, they remembered that Fred had come into their lives on Christmas Day.

They called the North Pole for help.

I was a bad cub ...

7A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

The Story of a Bear f It’s All About FRED

sANtA Claus visited their house

and scolded Fred. He told him he would “never get your furry fanny off my Naughty List” if he didn’t straighten up. Later that day, Lynn and Santa had a nice chat. They agreed to give Fred another chance.

Fred promised to be good.

8A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

It’s All About FRED f The Story of a Bear

stuFF FRED lIKEs

9A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

The Story of a Bear f It’s All About FRED

CHAPtER 3In which Fred falls in love ...

10A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

It’s All About FRED f The Story of a Bear

5 beers! That’s probably 80 percent of my body weight.

oNE sunny summer a f t e r n o o n ,

Fred went downtown to a concert. It was there that he met Kirsten. They danced, had a few beers, and shared salmon and honey sandwiches. Fred was happy that Kirsten liked him, so he drank five beers and passed out in his chair. Kristen left the concert with a lumberjack and never saw Fred again.

11A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

The Story of a Bear f It’s All About FRED

tHE NExt DAy after his hangover abated and he realized what

happened, Fred was heartbroken. As he contemplated his destiny, and to soothe his broken heart, he sought answers in Buddhism.

Fear?Hope?

Anguish?

Rage? Love?

Joy?Lunch?

12A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

It’s All About FRED f The Story of a Bear

FRED found a sort of balance when

he contemplated Buddha. In fact, his balance got so good, he and Buddha formed a traveling circus act!

It didn’t last long. Buddha had to get back to other things.

And, Fred knew it was time to grow up.

Chillin’ with Buddha was awesome. Most people call him Siddhartha, but I just call him Sid. We text each other all the time.

13A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

The Story of a Bear f It’s All About FRED

CHAPtER 4In which Fred takes time to smell the flowers ...

14A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

It’s All About FRED f The Story of a Bear

It WAs tIME for Fred to enjoy life, but he also wanted to learn more about the world.

Fred decided to open a bank account. He picked Bank of the West, since they use a bear as a logo.

His friend Gail accepted his first deposit, and his friend Tony explained to Fred how to avoid overdrafts.

15A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

The Story of a Bear f It’s All About FRED

WoRK? Fred thought he should find out about it. He visited Lynn and Ray in their offices. They sure have different

work styles! Lynn’s office definitely smells better.

I’m going to be a successful executive

like Lynn, not a slacker writer like Ray.

16A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

It’s All About FRED f The Story of a Bear

WHo FRED lIKEs

Aunt Rose Uncle PeteUncle Gus

Uncle Jason Uncle Jim & Aunt ShawnaThe “Bear Bank” folksAunt Shiroko

Aunt Sally Aunt KrisBut, NOT the monkey!

Cousin Jake

Grandma Mary

17A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+; A+;

The Story of a Bear f It’s All About FRED

tHE FRED MANIFEstoHello, this is Fred! I hope you enjoyed my book. My grandma Mary sent me five bucks, so I have enough cash to mail a copy to her. She’s the best grandma! Even though I’m an imaginary furball, she takes me seriously and sends me five bucks on all major holidays. Since I’m now the subject of a soon-to-be bestselling book, I thought it would be an excellent opportunity to offer my advice on how to live a better life:

A Eat lots of honey. If you’re allergic to honey, find yourself a sweet girl to smooch. Don’t start licking her unless you ask permission first.

A Eat lots of salmon. Bears like me go snatch them out of the river, but you should try your local fish market. Eat wild-caught fish, not that farmed stuff.

A Drink plenty of liquids. I live in Healdsburg, so I support Bear Republic Brewing Company, for obvious reasons. Have balance in your life. Don’t start drinking beer on weekends until after your fifth espresso.

A If your family sucks, go find one you like! I was sitting on the shelf at FAO Schwartz until Uncle Pete found me and brought me to Healdsburg. Lynn is the best Mom-Bear ever, and Ray is an OK Dad-Bear when he isn’t hassling me. My Aunts and Uncles rock, and so does my Cousin Jake. But, I don’t like dogs and I sure don’t like that monkey!