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It’s Not About The Nail:

Effective Communication Between the Opposite Sex

Trainer’s Manual

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How to use this manual:

This is the instructor’s manual for It’s Not

About The Nail: Effective Communication

Between the Opposite Sex. The course outline

and notes to the instructor appear on the left-

hand pages in this manual.

The right pages of this manual are taken directly

from the participant’s manual and are the only

numbered pages in this manual. The right-hand

pages are the participants’ manual in its entirety.

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Table of ContentsIntroduction 5

Training Objective 7

Communication Breakdown 9-

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Non-Verbal Communication

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How We Get What We Want

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Verbal Communication

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Compliments

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Arguments

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Apologizing

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Problem Solving 25-26

Effective Communication 28

References 28-30

Introduction:

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A) Greet Participants

B) Introduce yourself and the course

Academic research on psychological gender differences has shown that while women use communication as a tool to enhance social connections and create relationships, men use language to exert dominance and achieve tangible outcomes

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Introduction:

“The single biggest problem in

communication is the illusion that it has

taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

The biggest difference between men and women and their style of communication boils down to the fact that men and women view the purpose of conversations differently.

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Training Objective:

By the end of this training session trainees

should be able to implement 5 methods of

effective communication between the opposite

sex and identify communication breakdowns.

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Notes for Communication Breakdown Game:

To display the differences between how men and women communicate, in the first group the director will be a guy, the runner will be a girl, and the builder will be a guy. In the second group the director will be a girl, the runner will be a guy, and the builder will be a girl.

Explain the instructions to the class. 10 minutes time limit. Allow for about 5 minutes for input from the observers and people who participated in the game.

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Communication Breakdown Activity:

There are 4 roles in this communication skills game:

Person A - director

Person B - runner

Person C - builder

Person(s) D - observer(s)

Person A is given a picture of the final product, and is the

only person who can see the object. It is the director's job

to give clear instructions to person B, the runner, so that

person C can build an exact replica of the model.

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Person B listens to the director's instructions and runs to a

different part of the room to where person C is sitting.

The runner then passes on the building instructions,

without seeing the building blocks, to Person C, the

builder. The runner can make as many trips as required

within the time allowed for the exercise.

Person C listens to the runner's instructions and builds

the object from the set of building blocks. The builder is

the only person who can see the object under

construction, and building materials.

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Person(s) D observes the communication game, and

make notes about what works, what doesn't work, and

how people behaved under pressure etc., to pass onto the

group later.

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Non-Verbal Communication:

Personal Space. Men tend to have a larger personal space “bubble” around them. This bubble is the point where the approach of another person causes some arousal and discomfort. Women tend to have a smaller personal space bubble. Moreover, a woman’s bubble tends to get “invaded” by men more often than the other way around.

Posture. Men tend to be more expansive in their posture, and more open – taking up more space. This is associated with dominance. Women, on the other hand, tend to take up less space and be more constricted. Ex: Men cross their legs. Women hold their legs together.

Dress. Women’s clothes tend to be more revealing of the body, and more restricting than men’s clothing.

Touch. Research suggests that men initiate touch more than women (among non-lovers), as do dominant individuals. When women initiate touch, it is often misinterpreted as a sign of sexual interest.

Eye Gaze. Staring at another person is typically a sign of dominance, not holding another’s gaze is a sign of submission. Women tend to watch men when they are not looking, but look away when a man looks at them.

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Non-Verbal Communication:

Personal space

Posture

Dress

Touch

Eye contact

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How We Get What We Want:

There are a lot of ways that men and women go about getting what they want. Often times they are selfish and manipulative rather than being straightforward and simple.

The approaches from men to women differ based on their individual needs. Men would prefer to be respected over being loved, and women desire to be loved and cherished more than they desire to be dominant and respected.

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How We Get What We Want:

Men

Gifts Acts of service

(Doing the dishes, laundry, etc.) Pay for them Give in Ignore them

Women

Play hard to get Flattery Refuse to make eye contact Silent treatment Nagging Crying

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Verbal Communication:

Men are socialized to make direct requests, while women are socialized to put others' needs above their own. Women often expect men to read their minds and know what they want without actually telling them

When a woman feels stressed, she wants and needs to vent.

When she says, "Do you remember that sweater I wore on our second date?" He hears her say, "If you cared, you'd remember!" Women have an amazing memory for details, and they're more sentimental than men. Women should keep in mind that men don't remember details as well because of differences in how they process information, not because they don't care.

When a woman has a problem, a man offers solutions. Often, she's simply looking for understanding and validation. And a woman tends to give men what she'd want: a shoulder to cry on, which is often the last thing he wants. As a rule of thumb: men should offer women compassion first and then help, and women should offer men help first and then compassion.

Men compartmentalize, mentally and emotionally separating work, relationships, etc. Women think "big picture," connecting all the aspects of their lives.

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Verbal Communication:

Men ask, Women hint/give clues

She says too much; He says too little

For women it’s in the details

Listening vs. Solving

Men compartmentalize, Women think “big-picture.”

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Compliments:

From a young age, females learn to give compliments; it's almost reflexive.

Compliments are a way of reaching out to one another, an offer of affirmation and inclusion.

Men are more likely to volunteer evaluations instead of hand out compliments. Similarly, they will not seek out compliments because they want to avoid being critiqued themselves.

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Compliments:

“Men socialize by insulting each other but they really don’t mean it. Women socialize by complimenting each other, they don’t mean it either.”

Compliments are a way of reaching out to one another, an offer of affirmation and inclusion.

Men are more likely to volunteer evaluations instead of hand out compliments. Similarly, they will not seek out compliments because they want to avoid being critiqued themselves.

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Arguments:

Arguments generally come as a result of a breakdown in communication. Due to the fact that men and women have different purposes in how and why they communicate, this often contributes to arguments.

Women often try to get their point across by asking many types of questions: defiant, informational and rhetorical. The questions are designed to present an opposition or gather data.

Men's contributions to arguments are often simple and direct. They're so straightforward, in contrast to women's questions that men might not even realize that a conflict is occurring.

Men are concerned with being right and less concerned about anyone else's feelings. This perceived lack of compassion upsets women.

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Arguments:

Women are typically in conversation mode; they are more likely to ask questions. Their goal is to get others to agree.

On average, women use more expressive, tentative, and polite language than men do, especially in situations of conflict.

Men offer solutions to problems in order to avoid further seemingly unnecessary discussions of interpersonal problems.

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Apologizing:

1.Expressing regret (I am sorry)

2.Accepting responsibility (I was wrong)

3.Making restitution (How can I make it

right)

4.Genuinely repenting (I’ll try not to do

that again)

5.Requesting forgiveness (Will you please

forgive me?)

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Apologizing:

1. Expressing regret

2. Accepting responsibility

3. Making restitution

4. Genuinely repenting

5. Requesting forgiveness

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Problem Solving:

Choose the if: do you address the problem? Am I willing to die on this hill?

Can you live with it or will it damage the relationship?

Should I address it: is my conscious nagging me about what's going on? Am I choosing silence because there's a risk if I speak up?

Mutual purpose:1. Care about their goals and their viewpoint2. The goal is to solve the problem, not to blame them

Action.e.reaction: this makes me feel this way Recap:Before - Work on me firstDuring - Confront with safety/re-establish safetyAfter: start problem solving and move to actionAction: set up a plan/follow up on that plan and move forward

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Problem Solving:

Every issue is really a relationship issue. Emphasize on the relationship. Think about consequences, intent, and what.

What do you want for yourself and what do you want for the other person?

Before:

Work on me first What is the issue needing to be

addressed? Is it worth mentioning?

During:

Establish safety State the disconnect Mutual respect and purpose

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After: Jointly come up with a solution Agree on a plan Who does what, by when, and follow up

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10 Methods for Effective Communication:

1. Listen (Pause before you respond!)

2. Be trustworthy and honest

Being honest is the easiest way to have a good

memory

3. Don't rush communication/ monopolize time

4. Adapt your ideas to others

5. Stay in the moment

6. Pay attention to nonverbal cues

7. Intend to understand

First understand, then seek to be understood

8. Be patient and open minded

9. Follow up and repeat back what you heard

10. Ask for feedback

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10 Methods for Effective Communication:

1.Listen

2.Be trustworthy and honest

3.Don’t rush communication and don’t

monopolize time

4.Adapt your ideas to others

5.Stay in the moment

6.Pay attention to nonverbal cues

7.Intend to understand

8.Be patient and open minded

9.Follow up and repeat back what you heard

10. Ask for feedback

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References

Gray, John, and Ellen Hartson. "Man Speak Vs. Woman

Speak: 10 Common Misunderstandings." YourTango.

N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Nov. 2014.

Gray, John, Ellen Hartson, and Amy Johnson. "Man

Speak Vs. Woman Speak: 10 Common

Misunderstandings." YourTango. N.p., 2014. Web.

11 Nov. 2014.

Merchanta, Karma. "How Men And Women Differ:

Gender Differences in Communication Styles,

Influence Tactics, and Leadership Styles." N.p., n.d.

Web. 11 Nov. 2014.

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Riggio, Ronald E. "The Nonverbal Power Cues of Men

and Women." Psychology Today: Health, Help,

Happiness + Find a Therapist. N.p., 30 Nov. 2012.

Web. 11 Nov. 2014.

Sherwood, Susan. "10 Ways Men and Women

Communicate Differently : Discovery Channel."

Discovery Channel. N.p., 2014. Web. 10 Nov. 2014.

Swinton, Lyndsay. "Building Blocks Communication

Skills Game." Building Blocks Communication Skills

Game. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Nov. 2014.