It’sNotAllAbout“Me”:

TheTopTenTechniquesforBuildingQuickRapportwithAnyone

By:RobinK.Dreeke

It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building QuickRapportwithAnyoneCopyright©2011RobinK.Dreeke

Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymanner whatsoever without written permission from the author, except in thecaseofbriefquotationsusedinarticlesandreviews.

Editingby:CynthiaLewis;ChrisHadnagy.

CoverPhoto:©SergeyIlin,Dreamstime.comTheviewsexpressedinthisworkaresolelythoseoftheauthorandnotthose

oftheFBI.Formoreinformationpleasevisitwww.peopleformula.com

Tomybeautifulwifeandwonderfulchildren;withoutyoursupport,encouragement,andexamplethisbookwouldnothavebeen

possible.Toallmyfriendsandfamilymyheartfeltthanksforcontinuallyshowingmetheway.TomygreatfriendsCynthiaandChris,thanksforyourendurance,tenacityandneverendingselfless

help.

ManintheArena

"Itisnotthecriticwhocounts:notthemanwhopointsouthowthestrongmanstumblesorwherethedoerofdeedscouldhavedonebetter.Thecreditbelongstothemanwhoisactuallyinthearena,whosefaceismarredbydustandsweatandblood,whostrivesvaliantly,whoerrsandcomesupshortagainandagain,becausethereisnoeffortwithouterrororshortcoming,butwhoknowsthegreatenthusiasms,thegreatdevotions,whospendshimselfforaworthycause;who,atthebest,knows,intheend,thetriumphofhigh

achievement,andwho,attheworst,ifhefails,atleasthefailswhiledaringgreatly,sothathisplaceshallneverbewiththosecoldandtimidsoulswho

knewneithervictorynordefeat."TheodoreRoosevelt"CitizenshipinaRepublic,"

SpeechattheSorbonne,Paris,April23,1910

TableofContents

Introduction.7 IdentifyingtheNeed.10 Technique1:EstablishingArtificialTimeConstraints.13 Technique2:AccommodatingNonverbals.19 Technique3:SlowerRateofSpeech.27 Technique4:SympathyorAssistanceTheme.32 Technique5:EgoSuspension.39 Technique6:ValidateOthers.46 ValidationTechnique1:Listening.46 ValidationTechnique2:Thoughtfulness.49 ValidationTechnique3:ValidateThoughtsandOpinions.50 Technique7:Ask…How?When?Why?.52 Technique8:ConnectWithQuidProQuo.60 Technique9:GiftGiving(ReciprocalAltruism).66 Technique10:ManageExpectations.71 Puttingitalltogether:76 PracticeExercises:80 Exercise1:ThirdPartyReference.81 Exercise2:ArtificialTimeConstraints.83 Exercise3:SlowerRateofSpeech.85 Exercise4:SympathyorAssistanceTheme.86 Exercise5:EgoSuspension.88 ExerciseSummary:90 Bibliography.91

Introduction

What if I told you therewas away to gain the skills ofmastercommunicators? Skills that can enable you to induce any stranger to divulgeinner-mostsecrets,banking information,oreven takeactionsagainstyourbestinterests,allvoluntarily?Thesepeopledon’thaveanydifferentabilityorskillsthan you have or use every day. The difference is they knowwhat these tentechniquesareandhowtoemploythemeffectivelyandconsciously.

Thisbookisuniquebecauseitcontainsaveryactionableprocessforhowto treat individuals exactly howwe allwishwewere treated everyminute ofeverydayofourlives.ThisbookisalsodifferentbecausethisprocessofhowtotrulyfocusonothersiswrittenfrommypointofviewandmyexperiencesasaformerMarine Corps officer, FBI special agent and program manager of theFBI’seliteBehavioralAnalysisProgram.TheleadershipandinterpersonalskillsIneededtodevelopasaMarineCorpsofficerandanFBIagentarecapsulatedinthisworkbookformattedguide.

IamgoingtosharewhatIhavefoundisthemostsuccessfulwaytofaceallaspectsoflife,bothpersonalandprofessional.Thisprocesshasbeenhonedfromyearsoffieldexperience,aswellasresearchintosocialandevolutionarypsychology.Theresultsfromtheprocesswill rangefromsimplymakingthosearoundyoutrulyenjoyyourcompanyandseektospendmoretimewithyouallthe way up to influencing others to take actions you want them to take.Regardlessofyourindividualgoals,thekeyistomakeit“allaboutthem.”

Studieshavedemonstratedtimeaftertimethatthehappiestindividualsintheworld are the oneswithmeaningful relationships. Thosewho have both awidearrayoffriendsandacquaintancesaswellasrelationshipsofdeepmeaningwithafewacquaintancestendtobehappierinlifethanthosewhohaveplaceditems and material accomplishments as their individual goals for happiness.These ten simple steps, whether used completely or in parts will have aprofoundly positive impact on the quality of any relationship in your life,whethertherelationshipisathome,work,play,orsimplytalkingwithstrangers.

As technologyhasmoved forwardandbrought theworldcloser togetherthrough social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, and numerous other

onlinesocialsites,manyoftheone-on-oneskillsutilizedtodeveloprapportanddeeper relationships is fallingprey to theeaseandconvenienceof just turningoffacomputerwhensomethingisn’tsaidjustrightoroneofyourhundredsofcontacts/friendsonFacebooksayssomethingthatannoysyou.Theeasyfixistojustpayattentiontooneoftheotherofhundredsofpeopleyouareincontactwithonadailybasisinonewayoranother.Oneofthecriticalelementsmissingfrom thiswonderful technology that has brought individuals from all over theworldtogetheristheabilitytohaveameaningfulone-on-oneconversation. Theartof conversationanddeveloping rapportwithany individual,whether a friend, loved one, work associate, or stranger, comes down to theabilityofat leastoneof the individualsdialoging todoat leastoneof the tenconcepts I am going to illustrate in this book. As you read each section thathighlights one of the ten techniques, think back to a good conversation orrelationship that you have had throughout your life. I will bet that if theconversationwas enjoyable to you,whether youwere speaking to a friend orstranger, at least oneof the ten elementswaspresent.A conversation that hastwotofouroftheelementswillbeoneyouwillrememberforaverylongtime.A conversation that has nine to ten of the elementswill be remembered for alifetime.

IdentifyingtheNeed

Iwillstartour journey through thisprocessbyfirststating that Idiscovered how to identify these steps because I desperately needed it.Discoveringthesetoolsandtechniqueswasandcontinuestobeagreatchallengeandadventure.IhavefoundthatIgenerallysayI’msorrymorethanmostpeopleIknow.IthinkthisistruebecauseIsometimesstrayfrommyownprocess,aswell as I amhighly aware ofmyself and the impact I have on others throughnonverbal observations.Unlike the greatmanywonderful people inmy life, Iwas not designed by eithermybiology or any higher power to be as stronglypeopleorientedasothers.StudiesofpersonalityassessmentssuchastheMyersBriggs Type Indicator (MBTI), the Five Factor Model, the PersonalityDiscernmentInstrument(DISC),andmanyothersidentifythatabout50%ofthepopulation tends tobepeopleoriented.Theseare the typesof individualswhoaskyouaboutyourdayandfamily,waittoheartheanswer,andtrulycareaboutthe answer. The other 50% of us roll through life generally a bit more self-absorbed and unwitting to the emotional damagewe cause by our insensitivecomments, our self-centered conversations, or our inability for empathy orpersonalization.

Regardless of the fact that I care very deeply formany people and feelgreatcompassionandempathy,at times,myability toaccuratelycommunicatethosefeelingshasfallenshortofthemark.Formanyindividualssuchasmyself,the fact that thewayyoufeelaboutasituationorpersoncan look,sound,andfeel very incongruentwith those you are communicatingwith. This bookwillhelppeople naturally communicating effectively aswell as thosewhowant toimprove their ability tomake good connections, communicate effectively, andeveninfluenceindividualsiftheysodesire.

Myfirstawarenessofneedingtoimprovemyskillsandrealizingitisnot all about “me” occurred while I was a midshipman at the U.S. NavalAcademy.Iamaveryoutgoingpersonwhoenjoysmeetingstrangersandhavinglively discussions on just about any topic. I find people fascinating andintriguingandreallyenjoygettingtoknowthem.Unfortunately,whenIwas18yearsold I alsohad averybadhabit of being judgmental of others.Having a“bigmouth”andvoicingmyopinionsopenlydidn’thelpmatters.Ihadagreat

dealofself-confidenceandthoughtthatifthewholeworldwerejustabitmorelikemeitwouldbeperfectandwewouldallgetalongwonderfully.Ialsofeltcompelledforsomereasontovoicemydissentofthosewhodidn’tfit intomyperceptionoftheperfectworld.

DuringmyfouryearsattheNavalAcademyandmyfiveonactivedutyas aMarineCorpsofficer, Iwas slowly learning that Iwas inadvertentlycausinghurtfeelings,discomfort,andnegativethoughtsaboutmebecauseofmyinsensitive words and actions. Each time this happened, I was shocked andembarrassed. I was realizing that, often, the way I was communicating mythoughtsand ideaswasnotaccurateportrayalsofhowI trulyfelt inside.Haveyoueverhadthissituation?Ifso,thenyouwillbenefitfromthisbook.

As Imaturedandbecamemore self-aware, these instanceswerefewerandtheseverityoftheeffectIsometimeshadwasless,buttheystilldidoccur.Causingillfeelingsanddiscomfortbotheredmegreatly.Thecombinationofbecomingahusbandand fatheraided theprocessof self-regulation,butnotuntilIbecameanFBIagentandeventuallybothaninstructorandinchargeoftheBehavioralAnalysisProgramwasIabletotakealltheskillsIhadlearnedinthe field as a successful street agent into actionable tools. When I begandeveloping my own self-awareness of the process, I was truly amazed, andhopefullyyouwillbe,athowtranslatabletheseskillsareintoeveryaspectofourlives.Asamatteroffact,IhavefoundthatIhavemoreexamplesofthesetoolsin action when dialoging with my family, neighbors, and even strangers in acheckout line than I do as an FBI special agent. This is because all of us arehumanbeingsandrespondtothesamebiologicalandpersonalneedsandwantsinanysituation.Mydeepestdesireisthatyouwillfindthisbookusableinthemany complex aspects of your life and that you are able to build strongerrelationshipswiththoseyouknow,makestrangersfeelbetteraboutthemselves,and,ultimately,feelgreataboutthetypeofpersonyouare.Researchhasshownthat the happiest individuals in the world are those with strong interpersonalrelationships,regardlessofanymaterialwealththeydoordonothave.

Technique1:EstablishingArtificialTimeConstraints

Haveyoueverbeensittinginabar,anairport,alibrary,orbrowsinginabookstorewhenastranger tried tostartaconversationwithyou?Didyoufeelawkwardoronyourguard?Theconversationitselfisnotnecessarilywhatcaused the discomfort. The discomfort was induced because you didn’t knowwhen or if it would end. For this reason, the first step in the process ofdeveloping great rapport and having great conversations is letting the otherpersonknowthatthereisanendinsight,anditisreallyclose.

Irecentlywasgivingaclassonadvancedapproachtechniques.Inthisclasswegoovereachof these techniques ingreatdetailand thenpracticethemliveinwhateverareaofthecountrywemaybe.Thisparticularclasswasthe first one I had developedwhere the studentswould have to go out in themiddle of the afternoon during lunch-time and approach individuals using thetechniqueswearediscussinghere.Theonlyobjectivewastohaveameaningfulconversationwithsomeoneandlearntheirfullnameandabitmoreaboutthemthanwhattheywerehavingforlunch.Tobesuccessful,theyhadtogetalittlemorepersonal.

WhenIteachmyclasses,Ialsoparticipateinthesametasksastheattendees. Ido thisbecause it ensures I am fullyawareof the typesofvenuesthattheclassisoperatinginanditkeepsmyskillssharpandeverenhancingaswell.Duringthisparticularexercise,IhadchosenanareathathadabusyPaneraBreadCompany.Compounding thehigh tempoof theareawas the fact that itwas 1pm on a busy lunch hour.My planwas to practice at this venue, and Inoticed that a few of my students had followed me in. Now I really felt thepressure.

This was a difficult environment to have a deep conversation with astrangeranyway.Theplacewaspackedwithalineoutthedoor,hadverylittlesittingroom,andnowIwasbeingwatchedbymystudents.Ineededtobeonmy“A”game.

Regardless of beingwatchedor not, themost important thing to have isconfidence in the process. The process and the techniques are specificallydesigned around our human genetics and biology to maximize our potential

success.Whenyouhaveconfidenceintheprocessandtechniques,youalsowilllookcalmerandnotlook,asmydaughtersays,“awkward.”

Iwas standing in the long linewaiting to order a salad. Iwasscanningtheareaforaconversationopportunity.Whilescanning,IwentthroughmyplanandtechniquestoensureIwasreadywhenasituationpresenteditself.Ibelieve in using conversational nonthreatening “themes” inmy dialogues.Mythemesarealsobasedaroundmylifeandwhatiscurrentlygoingoninit.Again,whenyouarediscussing things that havemeaning and are truthful, it ismucheasier tomake apositive connection. I donotbelieve in lyingwhenengagingindividuals.However, Imay exaggerate from time to time about howmuch Imay enjoy a particular hobby or interest, but I will never deceive about myknowledgeand/orexperienceofthesame;itistooeasytospotinsincerity.

The theme that had come up recently inmy housewas dating age.Mydaughter at the time was 13 years old and we were having some gooddiscussionsaboutwhatanappropriatedatingageis.[emailmesometimeandI’llgiveyoumythoughts]Ihadusedthisthemeafewtimesalreadywithreallyfunandexciting results.Oneevening Ihadgonewith a class to a local restaurantandsatatthebusybar.Iinitiatedthequestionaboutdatingagetothebartenderandwithin15minutestheentirebarareawasengagedintheconversationwithmanytopicaloffshoots.

Backat thePanera restaurant, the clerkbehind thecounter finally calledmy number. I maneuvered my way through the sea of people to pick upmyorder.Itookmysaladandbegantheslowwalkwhilescanningforaseat.Outofthecornerofmyeye, Inoticed someofmystudentswatchingmewithagrinthatimplied,“Ok,let’sseehowyoudealwiththisplace.”IgavethemaslightnodasItriedtohidemyanxietyofpotentiallyfailinginfrontofthemwhen,tomy relief, I found a small two-person table in the sea of tables and bodies.Before I sat down, I quickly noted a gentleman that looked to be a “babyboomer”(anindividualtypicallybornbetweentheyearsof1945-1965.)Partoftheexercisethisdaywastoapproachanindividualfromadifferentgeneration.

Thegentlemanwasdressednicelyinabusinesscasualbuttonupshirtanddresspants.Hishairwasgrayingandcombedneatly to thebackand side.Hewas eating a sandwich and entirely engrossed in reading material on hissmartphone.Histwo-persontablewastotheleftofmine,andIsatdownsothatwewerefacingeachother.

IsatthereandbeganeatingmysaladandstrategizedhowIwasgoingto

initiateandhaveaproductiveconversationwithsomeoneclearlyengagedwithand completely content reading on his smartphone. I thought that because hischairwas facingmine, hemight glance up at somepoint, and I could engagethen. To my dismay, as my salad was disappearing, he never once lifted hishead.

Trusting in the techniques and methods, I decided to use what I call“impliedartificialtimeconstraints.”Iknewthatthemanwasnotregardingmebut probably pickedme up in his peripheral vision. I also figured that once Iinitiatedadialogue,hewouldquicklyassessthesituationtodeterminewhetheritwasthreateningornot.Mosthumanbeingsassessnewsituationsandpeoplefor threat before anything else. Humans have genetically survived because ofthis. This is a strong reasonwhy these techniqueswork; they are specificallydesignedtolowertheperceivedrisktoastranger.

TheimpliedartificialtimeconstraintIdecidedtousewasmysalad.Ialsodecided to take out my own smartphone and begin to peruse e-mail in anonverbalmatchinggesture.Nonverbalmatchingcanbeusedeffectivelyifdonelightlyand innon-obviousways. In thisparticularcase Iplannedonusing thepropofmysmartphonetoaidintheinitiationoftheconversation.

I finallyfinishedmysaladandputbothmynapkinandforkon theplateandpusheditawaytotheothersideofthetable,implyingthatIwasdoneandgetting ready to leave.This actionwas the implied time constraint. I regardedmysmartphoneagainwhilefacingthegentlemanandfrownedwhilefurrowingmybrow.Ithenleanedintowardthegentlemansohecouldhearmeandsaid,“I’m sorry to bother you. I’m about to leave and have been having a toughconversation with my wife. (I implied nonverbally that it was through theblackberry email.) I have a teenage daughter, and she is on social networkingsites and the like. What do you think is an appropriate age for girls to startdating?”(Ithrewoutthesocialnetworkingsitesaswell,eventhoughitwasn’trelativetotheprimaryquestion.Thatwastoaddonemorecontenttopicincasehewantedtodiscussthattopic,too.)

As I was asking my question and establishing my stated artificial timeconstraints, “I’m about to leave,” I noted the man assessing the situation forthreat. He first looked at me with a puzzled look and facial compression.(Compressioncanindicatestress.)Henextlookedatthesmartphoneinmyhandandmyfinishedsaladonthetable.Allofmysurroundingswerecongruentwiththewordsbeingspoken.Boththecongruenceofeventsandstatements,aswell

as the artificial timeconstraints,musthave satisfied thegentleman.He smiledbroadlyandstated,“Ihavea25anda23yearolddaughter.”Ireplied,“Ahh,Ihaveanexpert.”Helaughedandbegantalkingabouthisthoughts,opinions,andideas.

As the restof the techniquesunfold throughout thisbook, Iwilluse thisandotherstoriestoillustratehoweachtechniquewasusedtoelicitawonderfulconversation from anyone of our choosing. In this case, the gentleman spokewithmeforalmostthirtyminutesabouthisdaughters,theirfirstboyfriendsandhowheandhiswifehavehandledthe“emptynest”syndromewiththemmovingout.IhadoriginallystatedandthennonverballyimpliedIwasleavingrightthen.Byestablishingthoseartificialtimeconstraints,thegentleman’sperceptionofathreatwaslowered,andhereadilyengagedforamuchlongertime.Asamatterof fact,atonepoint Igotup to leave.AsI thankedhim,hestartedonanotherconversationandIsatbackdownandcontinuedtolisten.

It is very important to remember that not one technique can guaranteesuccess.Evenperfectexecutionofalltechniquescannotguaranteesuccess.Theproper execution of asmany techniques as possiblewill greatly enhance yourprobabilityof successandensureyouwillhavebetter conversationsandmoremeaningfulrapportthanyouwouldhaveotherwise.

Thereareexperientialexercisesattheendofthebookforyoutotry.Thepurposeof theexercisesare to illustrate that these techniquesdon’t just soundgood on paper but that you can be very successful executing themyourself. Ihavenothadanindividualinanyofmyseminarsyetsaythattheydidn’tbelieveintheprocessandtechniquesoncetheytriedthemforthemselves.Youcantrytheexercisesasyoureadorwaituntiltheend.Iwouldofferthatthemoreyoupractice,thebetteryouwillbecome.

There are notmany places that teach these advanced techniques.By theendofthisbookandrelatedexercises,youwillhaveexperiencedyourownself-education in this area, as well as demonstrated multiple successes with eachtechnique.Theexercisesarenotmeanttobeeitherhardortime-consuming.Thekeytorememberwhenpracticingeachofthetechniquesisthateachbuildsuponthe last and that not all the individuals youwill be chattingwith are ready toreceivethegiftyouareabouttogivethem…thegiftofagreatconversationwithyou.Eachpersonyouengageshouldwalkawayat theend feelinggreataboutthemselvesandtheconversationwithyou.

Technique2:AccommodatingNonverbals

Didyoueverseeaphotographofsomeoneandsay,“Helookslikeapompous idiot.” The opening statement and actions in any interaction set thetone for the engagement, as well as establish whether the individual beingengaged will look upon you favorably or unfavorably. In the last chapter wediscussed artificial time constraints. Next on the list of techniques isaccommodating nonverbals. This chapter will explore how to “look” like anonthreateningnicepersontoconversewith.

Mostofusarealreadygoodatrecognizingnonverbaldemeanor.Wedon’tnecessarilyregisteritconsciously,butoncegivenafewlabelslikeweareabouttodo,wecanbemuchmoreproactiveinournonverbalassessments.Forexample,askyourselfifyouknowwhensomeoneatworkishavingabadday.Youprobablyrecognizewhensomeoneishavingabadday,evenwithoutthemsayingaword.This isbecause they“lookdifferent.”That is to say, they lookdifferentfromwhattheynormallylooklikeoneveryotherday.

Whenyouwalk intoa roomwithabunchofstrangers,areyounaturallydrawn to thosewho look angry and upset or thosewith smiles and laughing?Smilingisthenumberonenonverbaltechniqueyoushouldutilizetolookmoreaccommodating. InDaleCarnegie’sbook,“HowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople”itisprinciplenumbertwoofsix.Inmymanyyearsofleadershipinthegovernment,aswellasinthedevelopmentofconfidentialhumansources,Ihavefoundthatagenuinesmilegoesalongwayindevelopingrapport.

Smilingisagreatbaselinebehaviortoexhibitinordertoestablishrapport,butitcanbeaccentuatedthroughthesubtleuseofafewothernonverbalhead displays.Adding a slight head tilt shows the other person that you havecomfortwith themand trust them.Another nonverbal to try andmaintain is aslightlylowerchinangle.Highchinanglesgivetheimpressionoflookingdownyournoseatsomeoneandthatyouarealooforbetterthanthem.Thefollowingphotosgivesomegreatexamplesofaccommodatingnonverbalheaddisplays.

Practiceexercise:

Thebestwaytogetgoodandnaturalatdisplayingaccommodatingnonverbalofthefaceandheadistopractice.First,lookintoamirrorandregardyour “normal” look.Once you have established your normal look, simply sayoutloud,“Hi,howareyou?”Next,giveyourselfaslightheadtilt,ensureyourheadisveryslightlyangleddownasshownaboveandsmileasyousayagain,“Hi,howareyou?”Youshouldbothlookandfeeldifferentlywhenattemptingthisverysimpleyeteffectiveexercise.

Thistechniquerequiresagreatdealofpracticeifyoudonotnaturallyhaveaccommodatingnonverbals.Weallhave some from time to time,but, insituationswhenitmattersmost,itisgoodtohaveexperiencewithdisplayingthebestyoucan.Displayingaccommodatingnonverbalbehavior isnotdifficultorcomplex.Likemanyoftheothertechniques, thesealonemaynotwork.Butinconjunctionwiththeothertechniques,youwillmostlikelyhavemoreengagingconversationswithfriendsandstrangers.

Every individual is different, and I have found for myself that working

fromthetopofthebodydownistheeasiestwaytopracticeandcheckmyself.Workingfromthetopdownisgenerallymoreeffectivebecauseindividualstendtofocusontheheadandface.Accommodatingfacialnonverbalswillgoalongwaytobuildingquickrapport.Irecentlyhadanincidentwithsomeonewhowasclearlyinafitofroadragetowardme.Iconsciouslyloweredmychin,tiltedmyhead,andutilizedasubduedfriendlysmilewhileapologizing.ImaginehowtheconversationwouldhavegonehadIapologizedwithmyheadtiltedbackwithasmirkonmyface?Mr.RoadRagewouldreadmyfaceasnotbeinggenuineinmyapologyandwouldhaveescalatedtheconflictevenmore.

Another favorite accommodating nonverbal I like to use is body angle.Especially whenmeeting someone for the first time it is important to have anonthreatening body angle.When two people stand toe to toe, it can be veryintimidating,especiallyiftheyarestrangers.Aslightbodyangleorbladeawayfromtheindividualyouareengagingwillpresentamuchmoreaccommodatingnonverbal.

NoticehowVicePresidentBiden is standingwithnobodyangle toward

SarahPalin.SarahPalinontheotherhandisbladedatanangleandevenleaningback a little. Vice President Biden was not demonstrating accommodatingnonverbalsandSarahPalinisreactingnegativelytohim.

A great example of the power of accommodating nonverbals happenedwhen I was on a trip with a colleague out in San Francisco. I wasmaking apresentationonSocialEngineeringandhowtoelicit information toagroupoflawenforcementexecutives.Followingtheconference,mycolleagueandIweresittinginthehotel’slobby.Thelobbywasspaciousandhadacoffeecounterthatservedcoffee,dessertpastries,etc.Ayoungwomanwalkeduptothecountertoorderacoffee.MyfriendandIweresittingsippingonourowncoffeeabout30

feetawayandmyfriendnoticedthatthewomanwaswearingknee-highboots.Myfriendexplainedthathewasinthemarketforapairofbootslikethatasagift for his wife. He went on to ask me if I wouldn’t mind using a littlesubterfuge to get a photo of the boots so he could show his wife to checkwhethershelikedthestyle.Myfriendwentontoexplainthiselaborateschemeofpretendingtophotographhimwithmycellphonewithherinnocentlyinthebackground.Ilookedathimdoubtfullyandsaid,“I’lljustgoaskher.”

Iquicklyputmyplaninplaceusingthetentechniques.Themainobjectivein all engagements is simple; the person you are engaging must leave theconversationandinteractionfeelingbetterforhavingmetyou.Thisprimarygoalwill help ensure success. I always want to ensure that I do not give theimpressionthatIhaveromanticinterestsinanytarget,maleorfemale.Forthatreason,IalwaysrelyuponathemethatIamtryingtodosomethingveryspecialformywife.Ialsostronglybelieveinstickingtothetruth;ifyouareevercaughtin a lie or deception, the relationship is damaged greatly. In this specificencounter, I had to ensure I used accommodating nonverbals, as well asestablishedartificialtimeconstraints.

TheyoungladywasstandingatthecounterawaitingherbeveragewhenIapproached. Ibladedmybody tonot faceherdirectly. I thenensured thatmyheadanglewasslightlydownandthatIhadapleasantsmilewithaslightheadtilt.Isaid,“Hi,myfriendandIhavetoleaveinasecond,andIamverysorrytobotheryou,but Iwashopingyoucouldhelpme.”Theyoungladydidn’tbackaway but had a quizzical look on her face as she sheepishly said, “ok….” Iquicklyexplainedthatmyfriendwassearchingfor theperfectgiftforhiswifeforaspecialanniversarytheyhadcomingup.Theyoungladybeganrelaxingabitmore as her beveragewas delivered from the barista. I explained howmyfriendwas looking for a pair of boots like the ones that shewaswearing butwasn’t sure if his wife would like them. The young lady quickly interruptedexplaininghow she came to purchase the boots herself froma store down theblock. She went on to describe how much they cost and what she liked anddidn’t like about them. I validated each of her statements and continued toencourageher to talkabouta topicthatsheapparentlyenjoyed.Whenshewasfinishedwithherdescriptionoftheboots,Iaskedifshewouldn’tmindifItookapictureofthebootssothatmyfriendcouldcheckwithhiswifeifthesewerethe type of boots that she would like. The young lady was very happy toaccommodateandposedformultiplephotos.

Duringthedialogue,Ialsowasabletoobtainavastamountofpersonalinformationaboutwheretheyoungladyworked,grewup,herfullname,familybackground, and other details. The entire exchange took 12 minutes. As theyoungladydeparted,I thankedherforhertimeandofferedtobuyheranothercoffee.Shedeclinedandthankedmeforsuchagoodchat.

The story is a great example of how powerful each technique can be.Usingthetechniquesisverysimilartogivingagift.Agiftingeneraltermsisanaction takenandgivenwhen thinking solelyof another individual’sneedsandwants. When using these techniques, each of us is ultimately thinking solelyabouttheotherperson.Inotherwords,itisnotaboutme.

The final accommodatingnonverbal that is easy to incorporate intoyourbehavior is the handshake.An accommodating handshake is one thatmatchesthestrengthoftheother,andalsotakesmoreofapalmupangle.NoteagainthephotoofVicePresidentBidenandSarahPalin.Herhandispalmupandhisispalmdowninadominancedisplay.SarahPalinwasnotnecessarilytryingtobeaccommodating in this situation, but her nonverbals were. Likewise, VicePresidentBidenwasclearlynotdemonstratingaccommodatingnonverbals.

AfewyearsagoIalsonotedformerpresidentialcandidateMikeHuckabeeinamediaphoto.Hewasdoing the same thing.MikeHuckabeedemonstratesexcellent accommodating nonverbal behavior. He generally has a lower chinangle; he leans in to listen with a slight head tilt and shakes hands palm up.Some have said that this may be because of his days as a pastor greetingindividuals following a service. Whichever the case is, he is another greatexampleofaccommodatingnonverbal.

All of the ten techniques alone will not guarantee success. Please

rememberthatnoteveryoneisreadytoreceivethegiftyouareoffering.Thesetechniqueswill greatly enhanceyour chancesof a successful conversationandengagement,but somepeoplemaybe inanemotionalplaceat the timeof theengagement where they are not willing to receive these special gifts andaccommodatingnonverbals.Donot take itpersonally; remember, it isnot thattheyaredoingittoyou,itisallaboutthem.

Technique3:SlowerRateofSpeech

Thelastchapterdiscussedhowto“look”moreaccommodatingbyensuringwehaveaccommodatingandopennonverbalbodylanguage.Thenexttechniqueisalsoconsidered“nonverbal”eventhoughitisaboutspeaking.Therearemanyaspectstoourvoicethatarenonverbal.Nonverbalsofthevoicemerelyrefer to the tempo,modulation, and inclination of your voice, to name a few.When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they tend to soundmore crediblethanthosewhospeakquickly.

Ournaturalrateofspeechisgoingtodependonmanyfactorsbesidesour individual genetics and biology. For the purpose of this guide, we willexploretwothatwecanconsciouslyadjustifwechooseto.Thefirstistowhatdegree an individual is extroverted. According to the Meyers Briggs TypeIndicator based upon thework of psychologistCarl Jung, individualswho areextroverted derive their energy from the external world. As an extrovertedindividual converses with other people, the energy level of the individualincreases.Theincreasedenergyleveloften-timeswillmanifestitselfinahigherrate of speech. Approximately 50% of the population has a preference forextroversion.

Thepreferenceforextroversiondoesnotmeanthatwearelimitedinhoweachofuscaninteractwiththeworld.Likemanyofourtraitsandqualities,thisismerelythestartingpoint.Preferencesforhowweprefertoengageotherpeoplearejustthat,preferences. PreferenceExercise:For example, takeout apieceofpaper andapenorpencil.Signyournametwice.

Next:Switchhandswiththepenorpencilandsignyournameagaintwice.

Onthesamepieceofpaper listafewwordsthatdescribehowitfeltwhenyou signed your name with your dominant or “preferred hand.” Some of themorecommonadjectivesIhaveheardare:

1.Easy

2.Fast3.Ididn’thavetothinkaboutit4.Noproblem

Makeanotherlistforwhatyouthoughtandfeltregardingsigningwithyour

non-dominantornon-preferredhand.Thislisttypicallyincludesadjectivessuchas:

1.Geez2.Tough3.Ihadtothinkaboutit4.Ihadtowritemuchslower5.IthinkImayhaveaproblem6.Mytwo-year-oldsonwritesbetter

Theseresponsesaretypical.Weallhaveageneticpreferenceforwhichhand

weprefertowritewith.Thinkforaminuteifyoueverlostuseofyourdominanthand.Ioftenhaveindividualsinmyclasseswhohavehadtheirdominanthandincapacitated for a period of time.Over time they develop the ability towriteand function much easier with their non-dominant hand. They chose out ofnecessitytobecomebetterattheirnon-biologicalpreferredhand.

I love this illustrationbecause itdemonstratesoneofmycriticalconceptsthatIsubscribeto.Idonotbelieveintryingto“change”people.Whensomeone says, “Youneed to change.”Or, “I can changeher.” I thinkyou aresettingyourselfupforadisappointingtask.Manypsychologistssubscribetothetheory that much of our personalities are based upon genetics and biology.Personalitiesaredeeplyimpactedbyourindividualexperiencesthatshapethem,butultimatelywearebornwithourpersonalityfundamentals.Wecannotchangeourbiologyorgenetics,butwecanenhanceordampenthemwhenneededandwhenwechooseto.

Whenrequired,eachofuswouldbeabletochoosetogetbetteratwritingwithournon-dominanthand.Likewise,whencalledupon,eachofuscanmodifyourrateofspeechwhenwechooseto.Thepowerofmodifyingourselvesisn’tlimitedtorateofspeech.Itcanalsobeappliedtoeverystepinthisprocess.Having tools empowers us with choice about how to interact with the worldaroundus.

Theothermajor factor that candefineour rate of speech is our

demographics,orwherewegrewupinthecountryorworld.Demographicshaveasignificantimpactonnotjustrateofspeechbutinmanyotherwaysthateachof us views theworld aroundus.For example, I grewup in lowerNewYorkState,nottoofarnorthofNewYorkCity.WhereIgrewup,thevastmajorityofindividualswhoenjoyed following sportswere avidprofessional sports fans. IhappentobeaNewYorkYankeeandNewYorkJetsfan.AllthemediaoutletsinNewYorkcoverprofessionalsportsataverydeeplevel.AnumberofyearsagowhenmywifeandImovedtoVirginia,Iwasastoundedbythedifferenceregardingsports.ThemajorityofsportsfansIhavemetandwhoaremyfriendsandcolleagues in this regionareavidcollegesports fans.OnSaturdaysduringcollege football season,most houses in our subdivision canbe seen flying theflagofeitherUniversityofVirginiaorVirginiaTech.Iamalwaysfascinatedbythedifferencesforeachofourpreferencesbasedupondemographics.

Whereasourrateofspeechisimpactedlargelybyourbiologyandgenetics, like in the sportsanalogy, it is impactedbyourdemographics.SomeindividualslikemewhogrewupinNewYorkorevenNewEnglandarethoughttobemoreof“quicktalkers.”Justlikeinthehandwritingexample,Icanchooseto alter my preference for the speed with which I speak. This need becameapparent tome one daywhenworking inmy unit at FBI headquarters a fewyearsago.

Oneday,afewofmyfellowagentsandIwerestandingoutsideourcubiclesdiscussinganurgentmatter concerninganoperational scenario for aninvestigationthatoneofthespecialagentsin“thefield”wastryingtoconduct.EachofushadanopinionandmostwerelookingtomeandwhatIhadtosayaboutitbecauseofmyexperienceandbackgroundinthearea.Ihadconductedthe type of operation numerous times before and became very animated andexcitedbecauseIwassofamiliarwiththecontent.Myconfidenceinthetopic,my extroversion and my New York demographics enabled me to unwittinglyincrease my speech tempo dramatically. Toward the end of the discussion, Iclearlyrememberoneofmyfriendsleaningovertomeaswewerestandingintheconversationcircleandquietlysaying,“WeallknowhowcredibleyouareRobin.Whenyouspeakthatfastyouloseyourcredibility.Slowitdownsoyouarenotoverselling,andstopappearingasthoughyouaretryingtosellusabadusedcar.”

Therealizationofmyfriend’sobservationmadeaveryprofoundandpositive impact on me. From that day forward, I began to notice my speechtempo.WheneverIhaveaconversationthatIbelieveisimportantformetobe

credibleinmycontent,IpurposelyslowdownthedeliveryandtakepausesforpeopletoabsorbthecontentofwhatIhavejustsaid.

Thistranslatestomeetingandchattingwithstrangersveryeasily.Speakslowerwhenhavingadialogueandyouwillnotcomeacrossasthe“badusedcarsalesman.”ThiswasillustratedverywellinthestoryItoldinchapter2about how Iwas able to take photographs of the youngwoman’s boots at thecoffeehouseinSanFrancisco.Iusedallthetechniqueswearediscussinghere,and I delivered themwith a slow rate of speech. Like all the techniques, justusingonewillnotguaranteesuccess,butthecompoundedeffectofasmanyasyou can dowill greatly enhance your odds of a great conversation and betterrapportandrelationships.

Technique4:SympathyorAssistanceTheme

Haveyoueverfeltapangofguiltforturningdownsomeoneseekinghelp?I have personally found that there is no greater theme and tool for elicitingindividuals for action, information, and a great conversation than the use ofsympathyorassistance.Thinkforamomentabout the times inyour lifewhenyouhaveeithersoughtassistanceorbeenaskedtoprovideit.Whentherequestis simple, of limited duration, and nonthreatening, we are more inclined toaccommodatetherequest.Ashumanbeings,wearebiologicallyconditionedtoaccommodaterequestsforassistance.Thecompulsionisbaseduponthefactthatourancientancestorsknew that if theydidnotprovideassistancewhenasked,theassistancewouldnotbegrantedtothemifrequestedatalaterdate.Eachofuscarriesthegeneticsforthisasasurvivalmechanism.

Theimportanceofkeepingtherequesteasyandnonthreateningcannotbeoveremphasized.When individuals perceive that the assistance would imperilthemorinvolveacosttothem,theyaremuchlesslikelytoaccommodatesuchrequests,especiallywithastranger.Individualswhohavecloseanchoredbondsandrelationshipscanrelyontougherrequests,but,forthepurposeofdevelopingquickrapportandconversations,keeptherequests“light.”

A few years ago, I was on a work trip where I was going to providetraining to agents in the art of elicitation. Elicitation is the act of inducing anindividualtoprovideinformationwithoutaskinganydirectquestionsrelatedtotheinformationthatyouseekandmuchtoodetailedatopictobecoveredinthisbook.FormoreonelicitationandthetechniquesrequiredpleasecontactmeviamyWebsite,http://www.peopleformula.com

WhileIwasonthistrip,Iwastravelingwithanotheragentandfriendwhoalsowaspresentinginthecourse.Myfriendwasintriguedandamazedthatanindividualwasabletoobtainsomuchinformationandgreatconversationsfromotherswith theuseof these simple techniques. Ihad justdemonstrated tohimhoweasyitwastoobtainpersonalinformationfromagentlemanbythenameofAlbertatourrentalcarcounter.

The next morning, I met my friend in the hotel lobby where a freecontinentalbreakfastwasoffered toguests.Wehadagreed thenightbefore tomeetat thebreakfastbuffetbeforegoingtothelocationforthetraining.Whenwe sat down, my friend asked if the techniques worked with everyone. Ielaboratedthattheyarespecificallydesignedtobeeffectiveonallhumanbeingsbased upon our evolutionary biology. I added that each of our individualresponses to the techniques is affectednotonlyby thecontextof the situationandtheskillsoftheindividualusingthetechniquesbutalsothemostimportantunknown,theindividualexperiencesofthosewechoosetointeractwith.Basedupon an individual’s life experiences the techniques will be more or lesseffectivebecauseoffreewillandchoice.Greatpractitionersoftheseskillsmustbepatientandcontinuetobeaccommodatingofothersiftheyhopetobecomeamasterconversationalistandrapportbuilder.

Eachofushadgottenup,selectedsomeitemsfromthebuffetandreturnedtoourtabletoeat.Whiletakingamuchneededsipofcoffee,myfriendplacedachallengebeforeme.Hechallengedme to elicit agoodconversation from theverynextpersonthatwalkedintothebreakfastroombeforeweleftforourdailypresentations.MyfriendalsoaddedthatIwastoobtainpersonalinformationtomaintaincontactafterwedeparted.Iagreed.

Withinafewminutes,ayoungwomanwalkedinwholookedtobeclosetomy age. I had already strategized the first steps in the process of utilizingartificial time constraints, accommodating nonverbals, and a slower rate ofspeech.Ialsohadplannedonmysympathythemeinadvance.

I have learned over years of utilizing these tools, as well as having tointerview and speak to hundreds if not thousands of people, that it is vitallyimportanttonotgivetheimpressionthatIhaveanyromanticagendaorpurposeto my conversation; my wife especially appreciates that. The very instant anindividual believes you have romantic motives, the whole purpose of theinteractionchanges.Mostoften,theindividualwithwhomyouarechattingwillquicklytrytodisengageandmostlikelynoteverwanttoengagewithyouagain.

ThethemeIalwaysliketouseisdoingsomethingspecialformywife.Ihavelearnedthatjustmentioningyouaremarriedisnotenough.Talkingaboutyourchildrenisnotenough.WhenIhavetriedthoseconversationaltechniquesin thepast, Ihavefoundthatmentioningwivesandchildren isoften-timesnotenoughtokeepanindividualfromthinkingyouare“hittingonthem.”However,

whenIhavementionedthatIwanttodosomethingveryspecialformywife,itdemonstrates thatnotonlyamImarriedbut that I thinkagreatdealaboutherandour relationship.This techniqueand theme typically leavenodoubt in themind of the individual with whom you are speaking that you do not haveromanticintentions.

Theyoungwomanclaimedatableaacrosstheroomfrommyfriendandme,placedher thingsonanemptychair ather table, andproceededup to thebuffet.The buffet included a number of hot and cold breakfast items, such aseggs, bacon, potatoes, breakfast breads, and cereals. I noted that this buffetdidn’t include anything particularly sweet. The breakfast room wasn’t overlylargeandtherewereabout7-9tablesthataccommodateduptofourpeople.Eachtablewas relatively close to thebuffet,whichwasplacedouton tables acrossoneofthewalls.Itwasprettyeasytohearconversationfromthebuffetateachtable. I watched thewoman asmy friendwatchedme, wondering how I wasgoing toapproach thisyoungwomanandnotseemlike Iwashittingonher. Iwatched the woman, trying to identify a third-party reference with which toinitiate the conversation. As I mentioned earlier in the book, a third-partyreference is a topicused to initiate that isn’t toopersonal about the individualtargetedforthediscussion.Thetopicalsoisnotaboutyou.Individualstypicallydonotliketalkingtostrangersabouteitherofthesetopics,atleastnotinthefirstfewseconds.

Unfortunately, I was not able to discern an appropriate third-partyreferencebutIdidtakenoteofthefactthatshehadfilledherplatewithsomeofthebuffetbutstillseemedtobesearchingforsomething.Inotedthatherplatehadeggs,bacon,andtoast.Followingafewminutesofregardingthetablewithatroubledlook,shesatdownbyherselfandbegantoeat.

Ihadnoted tomyself that I thought itwasunusualforabreakfastbuffetlike this one not to have anything sweet, such as cinnamon rolls, scones, orpastries.Ithoughtthatmaybethatwaswhatshewaslookingfor.Regardless,Iidentifiedthoseitemsasgoodthird-partyreferencestouse.

Following my observations, I finalized my strategy for opening thedialogueandinitiatedmyplan.Ilookedatmyfriendandtoldhimtowatchandwe’ll seewhat happens. I walked up to the buffet, grabbed another plate andbegan regarding thebuffet.Like theyoungwoman, I stoodand lookeda littlepuzzled.IensuredthatIwaswithineyesightofher,butIkeptmybodyfacingatan angle to her. I looked overmy shoulder and spoke across the room tomy

friend,“Hey,canyoubelievetheydon’thaveanycinnamonbuns?It’scrazy,Ineedmy sugar fix.” Imade the statementwith a good natured nonthreateningsmile.Myfriendlookedatme,smiled,andmerelyshrugged.Theyoungwomanalso lookedupandsmiledatme. Igaveaverybrief smileback, turnedaway,andwentbacktositdown.

WhenIsatdown,myfriend lookedatmeandsaid,“That’s it?Where isthegreatconversation?”Itoldhimtobepatientitwascoming.IwentontosaythatIhadtodesensitizehertowardourpresenceanddemonstratedthatwewerenot overly interested in her, but the third-party reference, cinnamon buns. Henodded and said, “Ok, so what next?” “Patience,” I said. “Greatconversationalistshavepatienceandwaitfor therightopportunity tocapitalizeonopportunitiesthatarenaturalandnotonesthatareforced.”

Abouttenminuteslater,theyoungwomangotupandwalkedovertothecoffeedispensers.Iagainnoddedtomyfriendandsaid,“Herewego,let’sseeifshe is ready tohaveachat today.” Igrabbedmycoffeecupandapproachedacoffeedispensernexttohersandbegantopoursomeformyself.Mybodywasfacing the coffee dispenser andnot her as I statedoffhandedly, “Thebuffet isreallynice,butcanyoubelievethereisnothingsweetonthatline?”Theyoungwomanturnedtowardmeandsmiledasshesaid,“Iknow,IwaslookingforacheeseDanish.ItrytoeathealthybutenjoyatreatnowandthenwhenItravel.”The youngwoman looked as though she was willing to have amuch greaterconversation,butIdecidedtoletherdesireforachatbuildalittlemoresothatIcould clearly establish that I didn’t have any romantic interests or ulteriormotives. I simply smiled and said, “That sounds good too, ohwell.” I gave aquick,nonthreateningsmileandreturnedtomyseatwithmyfriend.Myfriendsaidagain,“Sothatwasthegreatconversation?”Isaid,“No,waitforit.…”

Theyoungwomanreturnedtoherseatandtookoutthemorningpapertoreadasshewassippinghercoffee.MyfriendandIfinishedourbreakfastsandprepared to leave. I picked up my brief-case and prepared to leave, impliedartificialtimeconstraint.Iwalkedbyhertableandshelookedup.Ilookedatmyfriendandsaid,“MaybeIcanaskher.”Myfriend lookedatme inaquizzicalwayandsaid,“oooookay.”Ikeptmybodyangledslightlyawayandsaidwithagrinandwithaplayfultypeofconversationalbanter,“I’mverysorrytobotheryou.MyfriendandIhavetoleaveinasecondtogotowork.Heclaimstobeagreatgiftideaguybutheisfailingmiserably.”Theyoungwomansmiledasmyfriend caught on to the conversation and playfully added, “You just have noability.”Iresponded,“You’reprobablyright.”

Theyoungwomanwas still smilingbut looking a bit puzzled. I quickly

informed her that my wife and I were about to celebrate a special weddinganniversary,andIwastryingtogethersomethingreallyspecial.Ioffered,“Iamatarealloss.Iwashopingthatyoucouldhelpmewithafewquickideas.”Thewomansmiledbroaderandsaid,“I’ll try.Howmanyyearshas itbeenforyoutwo?”Overthecourseofthenext15minutes,theyoungwoman,Julia,gavemesomereallygreatadviceand ideas foranniversarygifts.Along theway, Ialsolearned that her husband alsowas in law enforcement and that they had beenmarriedforasimilaramountoftime.Theyalsohadtwochildrenandonewasachild with special needs. My friend who was with me also has a child withspecialneeds,sotheyimmediatelyhadacommoninterest.JuliaandIalsohadalove for country music. All of us departed for our day having felt better forhavingmeteachother.

I gained a significant amount of information about Julia in those 10-15minutes. The wonderful technique of using the assistance or sympathy themecontinued to be highlighted throughout the week. My friend and I saw Juliaeverymorningatbreakfast,andeverymorningshehadanotherideaformeandtheanniversary.Shealwaysstarted theconversationwithhowbadshefeltshecouldn’t helpmemore, and I keptvalidatingher ideasby researching eachofthemonmyown so that shedidn’t feel like Iwaswastingher time.BetweenbothworkandtheworkofmakingbetterconversationandfriendswithJulia,itwas an exhausting week. In the end, my favorite idea was to take my wifehorsebackriding,justthetwoofusandaguide.Mywifeloveshorsebackriding,andIdidjustthatforherwhenIgothome.

Hopefully, by now, you are recognizing that each of these techniques isverycommonandeachofusutilizesthemeachdayandineachmomentofourlives.Thepurposeofgoing through these techniqueshere is todemonstrate toyouwhat you are doing rightwhen it goeswell andwhy.Once you have anunderstanding ofwhat these techniques are, you can plan and use themmuchmore proactively in your life. Attending a get together or even just walkingaround shoppingwithaplanonhow to talkwithandengagepeoplewillgiveyou a great sense of empowerment, connection, and understanding of others.These actionable behavioral skills can thenbe applied to every aspect of yourprofessional lifeaswell.Whethercommunicatingwithco-workersor trying tobuild to a sale, these are the techniques that ultimately win the day bydemonstratingtotheotherindividual,“It’snotallaboutme.”

Technique5:EgoSuspension

HaveyoueverheardsomeonewhomadeafalsestatementandNOTcorrected them? Suspending an individual’s ego is probably the mostchallenging, as well as effective techniques out of all ten that we will covertogether.Theegoisdirectlylinkedtosomanyofourinterpersonalinteractions,if not all of them.Human beings are genetically coded to be self-centered, orego-centric,foroursurvival.Whenourancientancestorswereahunter-gatherersociety, ifan individualdidnot lookafterhisorherownneeds in thoseharshenvironments, the chances of passing along the genes to offspringwere prettylow.Suspendingourindividualegoisthemostdifficultbecauseofourgenetics.Conversely,itisoneofthebesttechniquestoutilizewhenanindividualchoosestohaveapositiveinteractionandattainrapidrapport.

ThemosteffectiveillustratorofthistechniqueremindsmeofaroadrageincidentIfacednottoolongago.IwasdrivingbackfromalongendurancerunIhadcompletedinthemountainsofVirginia.Thecarridehomewasaboutthree hours and, after spendingmost of the day running 32miles, Iwas verytired.Mygoalwassimple,gethomesafelyandeatpizzawithmywifeandtwochildren.Iwasabout10-15minutesfromhomeandtravelinginacongestedpartofFredericksburgwhenIhappeneduponascenethatmanyofushavefacedatone timeoranother. Iwasdriving ina through lanewhilea left turn lanewaspartiallybackedupintothethroughlane.Thetailendofthelastcarintheleft-hand-turn lanewashangingout intomy laneabit, and Imade thedecision tojustswervetocontinuethrough.That’swhenithappened.

AssoonasIswerved,Iheardahornblaringinmyear.Iglancedtomyrightandsawalargefour-doorpickuptruckwithaveryangrymiddle-agedmanstaringdownatmegivingme“thefinger.”Ialsonoticedthatthemanhadwhat looked likea12-year-oldgirl asapassenger inhisbackseat. I surmisedthat the young girl was probably his daughter and thought to myself that hewouldprobablygainhiscomposurerapidlybecauseofher.Iwaswrong.

Iamgoingtodigressatthispointinthestoryforamomentbecausemyinitiallackofreactionrequiresabitofanexplanation.Mylackofgivingthe

man“thefinger”backwasnotbecauseofahigherplaneofthinkingoranysenseormoralaltruism.Infact,IhaddonejustthatanumberofyearsearlierwhenIwasfirstassignedasanewFBIagentinManhattan,NewYork.

Followingmy new agent training inQuantico, Virginia, I wasassigned to the FBI field office inManhattan,NewYork. Iwas a brand newagent,aswellasaNavalAcademygraduateandaMarineCorpscaptain.Thisrecipeforegocentrismwasveryhigh.Inhindsight,thereisnodoubtIthoughtitwas all about me.Within the first two weeks of my assignment, I rememberwalkingdowntomyvehicleparkedonThomasStreet.(Anagenthadtogetintotheofficeataround5AMinordertogetsuchagoodspotsoclosetotheoffice.)I got intomy vehicle, turned the ignition, and drove up to the intersection ofChurchandThomasandwaitedforthelighttoturngreen.(FBIagentsareissuedahandgun,handcuffs,pepperspray,andanexpandablebaton.Onthisparticularday, all I had withme weremy gun and handcuffs, a mistake I didn’t makeagain.)

Whilewaitingforthelighttoturnfromredtogreen,aNewYorkbicyclemessenger sped in front ofmy vehicle on hisway to deliver his nextpackagetoaclient.ThemessengerlookedtobewelloversixfeettallandwascoveredinmusclefromwhatlookedlikeyearsofridingthestreetsofNewYorkCitydeliveringpackages.Healsohadaverythicklinkedchainslungacrosshisbodyforlockinguphisbicycleateachlocationwhilehewentintoabuildingtodeliverhisgoods.

Thebikemessengermusthavefigured that I looked likeaneasytarget,wastoofarintotheintersectionorboth,becausehelookeddownatmeinmyvehicle, sneered and gaveme “the finger.”Since Iwas still in a very “allaboutme”modeandfulloftheideaofmyselfandtheallimportant“FBIguy”Ididwhat anyother foolwouldhavedone…Igavehim“the finger”backas Isaidtomyself,“Screwyoutoobuddy,I’manFBIguy.”Thisisthetimewhenlifegotinteresting.

JustasthemessengerwhizzedbyandIreturnedtheonefingersalute,thelightturnedgreenandIwentthroughtheintersectiontobeginmybattletotheWest SideHighway andmy long journey home from the southern part ofManhattan to the suburbs. I wasmakingmyway to the next intersection andstop-lightwhenInoticedastrangeandsomewhatterrifyingsightinmyrearviewmirror, thebikemessengerwaschasingme,andhewasclosing inonmefast.The first thought that enteredmymind after “oh #@$%”was that this guy is

goingtokickmyassifhecatchesme.IthenrememberedthatallIhadinthecarwithmewasmyhandgun.Thenextthoughtthatflashedthroughmymindwaswhat the front page of one the New York newspapers would say the nextmorning if I had an altercation with the bike messenger that involved myweapon.Idecidedmybestcourseofactionwastorunawayandrunfast.

I think Imayhave slightly exceeded the speed limit and possibly a fewstop-lightsinmyattempttomakeittothehighwaywithaspeedingbicyclerinpursuit.Luckily,Imadeittothehighwayandmylastglimpseofthemessengerinmy rearviewmirrorwas of him turning onto the highway aswell, lookingdetermined to “get me.” This incident is still burned into my brain and, as aresult,Ineverhaveflashedavulgarityatanothermotorist.

BackinFredericksburg,Virginia,allthesememorieswentthroughmymindasIdecidednottogiveMr.RoadRageavulgargesture.Myobjectivewas togethome.Toachievemyobjective, Iwouldconsciously think throughthenext10-15minutes,whichnowincludeddeescalatinga roadrage incident.My initial inclination was to demonstrate to Mr. Road Rage that he wasoverreactingandhewaswrong.OnewayIthoughtofdoingthiswastomakeavulgar gesture.Otherways I havewitnessed include flashing a badge, staringdowntheindividualback,yellingattheothervehicle,andevengettingoutofthevehicleforanaltercation.Alloftheseactionsandmanyothersarenothingmorethanegosbattlingforsupremacywithoutmuchregardfor theconsequencesorobjectives.

Mr.RoadRagegotbehindme,immediatelyputhisbrightlightson,andgotwithin1-2inchesofmyrearbumper.AsIwasdrivingwithMr.RoadRageclearlyfixatedonmemywifecalledonmycellphone.IputmyearpieceinandheardheraskingabouthowfarawayfromhomeIwassoshecouldorderpizza for me and our two children. I informed her that I was only about 10minutesaway,butitmaytakeafewmoreminutesbecauseIhadaroadrageguyfollowingme.MywifeletoutalittleshriekoverthephoneandpassedalongtometheinstructionIalwayshavegivenherincaseofsuchanincident.Mywifetoldmetodrivetothenearestpolicestationandseekassistance.Ichuckledandtold her that as good as Imay be at times at suspendingmy ego, the formerMarineandFBIagentdidnotallowforthisandthatIwasnotgoingtopullintoapolicestationseekinghelp.IcouldimaginetheconversationifIhad.“Hi,I’manFBIagentandarmedandthereisaroadrageguybotheringme,HELP!”Ido,however, encourage this response from any of you that may encounter theseradicalsituations.Individualswillgenerallydeescalatetheirangerasthepolice

stationcomesintoview.Safetyisalwaysparamount.Neverfuelanemotionallyhigh-jackedsituation.

IinformedmywifenottoworrythatIwouldusemyskillstotrytodeescalate the situation. Following the conversation with my wife, I set myobjectives.Iwantedtogethome,eatpizza,andhaveMr.RoadRagecalmdownandgohomesafeaswell.Once theobjective is set, executing theplancomesdown to how to communicate with those individuals impacted by yourobjectives.My first stepwas to try and look as nonverballynonthreatening aspossible.Itriedtonotlook“challenging”totheRoadRageguy.Ikeptmychinangledown,elbowsdownonthesteeringwheelandgotintotheaccommodatingright-handlane.Mr.RoadRagewasnotimpressedwithmyattemptsandstayedrightbehindme,whiteknucklesonthesteeringwheelandglaringatme.

Mr.RoadRagestayedwithmeforapproximately10minutesthroughafewturnsandwasveryobviouslyfollowingmeandnotlettinggoofhisanger.Hewasstilllookingforaconfrontation.AsIapproachedthenextstoplight,hepulledintothelaneimmediatelytomyleftandwasstillglaringatmewithwhiteknucklesonhissteeringwheel.IdecidedIneededtoelevatemyattemptsategosuspension.Asthemanglareddownatme,Iturnedmyheadtowardshimand,withaverysheepish,contritesmile, I simplymouthed thewords,“I’msorry.”The impact was immediate and impressive. Mr. Road Rage’s nonverbaldemeanorimmediatelymelted,andheloweredhispassengersidewindow.Isawthathewasdeescalatinghishostilityandfeltitsafetolowermywindowaswell.Once thewindowwas lowered,Mr.RoadRagepointedhis fingeratmeasheexclaimed, “It’s idiots likeyouwho cause accidents!” I continued tokeepmyego suspended as I received the verbal abuse. My response was simple andcontrite, “I know; I said I was sorry.” I cannot begin to explain the internalturmoilIhadasaformerMarineaswellasFBIagenttouttersuchwordswhenIfeltHEwastheindividualinthewrongforhisbehavior,butIkeptmyfocusontheobjective.Aftermystatement,Mr.RoadRage lookedpositivelyperplexedandmorenonverbalmeltingwashappening.Hephysicallylookedasthoughheweredeflating.Mr.RoadRagethengesturedtohisdaughterinthebackseatashe stated, “I have my daughter in the back seat.” I now realized that hisconsternationwithmy driving habitswasmost likely induced because he feltthathisdaughter’swell-beingwasthreatenedbymybehavior.Regardlessofmyrevelationasto“why,”IcontinuedmyegosuspensionthemeasIsaid,“Iknow,Ihavechildrentoo…haven’tyouevermadeamistake?”Mr.RoadRagelookedpositively exhausted and amazed at this final statement. He clearly wasanticipating a confrontation andwhat he got was someonewhowas agreeing

with him… “ego suspension.” Mr. Road Rage looked at me after my finalstatementandsaid,“Well…Godblessyouandyourdriving.”Thelightturnedgreenandhedroveawaywithoutfurtherincident.

Suspendingyouregoisnothingmorecomplexthanputtingotherindividuals’wants, needs, andperceptions of reality aheadof your own.Mosttimes,when two individualsengage inaconversation,eachpatientlywaits fortheotherperson tobedonewithwhatever storyheor she is telling.Then, theotherpersontellshisorherownstory,usuallyonarelatedtopicandoftentimesinanattempttohaveabetterandmoreinterestingstory.Individualspracticinggood ego suspensionwould continue to encourage the other individual to talkabouthisorher story,neglecting theirownneed to sharewhat they think is agreatstory.Humanbeingsarenotgeneticallycodedtocareasmuchaboutothersand their stories as much as they care about their own. Self-centeredness isgeneticallycodedineachofusbecause,withoutit,ourancestorswouldnothavesurvived. Common etiquette and courtesy dictates that individuals be givenequal time to share their own story of the events in their own life. Thoseindividualswhoallowothers tocontinue talkingwithout taking theirown turnaregenerallyregardedasthebestconversationalists.Theseindividualsarealsosought afterwhen friends or family need someone to listenwithout judgment.Theyarethebestatbuildingquickandlastingrapport.

MyencounterwithMr.RoadRageisanexcellentyetsmallexampleofegosuspension.Inthiscase,whatIbelievedtobemyreasonsaswellasmyownperceptionoftheeventsdidnotmatter.AllthatmatteredtoMr.RoadRagewastoprovehewascorrectinaveryself-centeredway.Hewassoemotionallyhigh-jackedhedidnothavealargersetofobjectives,likesafetyforhimselforhis daughter. Thinking clearly, setting objectives, and suspending your ego infurtheranceofthesetobjectivesisinvaluableinanyinterpersonalengagement.

Technique6:ValidateOthers

Whetheryoudenyitornot,youwanttobeacceptedandliked.Fromthefirst time a child begins conversing with his or her parents they are seekingapprovalfor theiractionsandthoughts.Parentsarecontinuallyreinforcingthatthere isa rightwayandawrongwayofdoing justabouteverything.Fromanearly age, each of us has sought the validation that we are accepted, and itcontinuesrightintoadulthood.Aswitheachoftheneedsandtechniqueswearecovering, thedegree towhich an individual requiresvalidationvaries, but onethingiscertain,eachofusfeelsgoodwhenwearevalidated.

Validation comes in many forms. I have identified three types ofvalidation.Eachisveryeffectiveandcanbeusedasthesituationrequires.Thefollowingarethethreeformsofvalidation,andtheycanbeusedindependentlyor,togreateffect,intertwinedwitheachother:

ValidationTechnique1:Listening

Thesimplestvalidation thatcanbegiven toanother individual is simplylistening.Theactiondoesn’trequireanyproactiveeffortasidefromtheincessantneed each of us has to tell our own story. Validation is effective because itreleases dopamine to the brain’s pleasure centers. This is the same chemicalreaction that takes place after drinking an alcoholic beverage, taking risks, oreatingagreatpieceofchocolate.Thinkofa timewheneitheryouorsomeoneyouwerespeakingwithstartedoutaconversationsayingtheyhadtogoinafewminutesanddidn’tdisengagetheconversationforquitesometimeafter.Iwouldventure to guess that if you think back to the reasonwhy, itwas because thepersonwhostayedwasbeingextremelywellvalidated.Inessence,thereleaseofthe dopamine from the validation was causing the individual to overridecognitivethinkinginexchangeforfeelinggood.

Inmy job in the FBI, I have had the privilege of workingwith a greatnumberofindividualsconsideredconfidentialhumansources.Theseindividualsprovidedextremelyvaluableinformation,access,andinsightintosituationsthatdirectlyimpactedournationalsecurityandforeignrelations.

I worked with a confidential human source while assigned to the NewYorkCityFBIofficewhohadbeenhelping theFBIand theUnitedStates foroverthirtyyearsbeforeIwasintroducedtohim,andwestartedworkingtogetheronnumerouscounterintelligenceoperations.IremembersittingwithhimeveryfewweekseatingourfavoriteChinesefoodwhileIlistenedtohimtalkaboutallhis past adventures helping the FBI and all about the 15 agents who he hadworkedwithbeforeme.Iwouldsitandlistentohimwithoutsayingmuchbutafew encouragingwords to keep him speaking for up to four hours.When theindividual had finally finishedwhatwas on hismind, Iwould discusswhat Icametoforabouttenminutes.Therelationshipwasverystrongandoursuccesstogetherwasexceptional.Why?Thereasonwashefeltvalidated.

Theexampleaboveisoneofhundredsofinstancesweallhavehadwhenthe simpleactof listeningproducesamazing results.Thedifficultymostofushaveiskeepingfrominterjectingourownthoughts,ideas,andstoriesduringtheconversation.Truevalidationcoupledwithegosuspensionmeansthatyouhavenostorytooffer,thatyouaretheresimplytoheartheirs.

WhenIrunoneofmycoursesforFBIagents,andIdiscussvalidationandegosuspensionandhoweffectivetheyare,Iamtypicallyaskedwhatthestudentshouldsayiftheyareaskedaquestiontheyareuncomfortableanswering.Itellthemthatif theyareproperlyvalidatingandsuspendinghisorherego,noonewillaskyouanyquestions,and,iftheydo,theyaresimplytryingtobepolite.Iinstruct them to quickly bounce the conversation back to them, and theywillcontinue talking. I haven’t had a student yet say it hasn’t worked. They arealwaysamazedhowmuchindividualssimplywanttotalkandbelistenedto.

I andmostothers inmy lineofworkare always amazedabouthowourconfidential human sources like us better thanmost other people in our lives,suchas friends, family, andcolleagues.That isbecausemanyofuswill put afriendonhold to takeanothercallor tell themwehave togowhen theyneedsomeonetolistentothem.Agreatconversationalistandrapportbuilderwillputtheentirefocusontheotherindividual.Whenwearen’tanxioustotellourownstory,wealsotendtolistenandhearbetter.Wealsowillrememberdetailsthatweotherwisewouldnot.

IhadworkedwithanexcellentconfidentialsourceandhumanbeingwhenIwasworking in one ofmy assigned field offices.Hewas a highly educatedmanandhadworkedonanuclearprogramforanon-friendly foreigncountry.HebecameatremendousresourcefortheFBIandothers.Healsogaveclassesto newer agents on how to communicate and recruit their own confidentialhumansourceslikehim.Theconfidentialhumansourcehadachecklistofwhatnot todothathehadexperiencedoverhisyearsofworkingwith theFBI.Thenumberonethingonhislistwasthatanagentshouldnottakeouthiscellphoneandeithertakeacallorstarte-mailingortextingwhenmeetingwiththesource.Hewent on to say that it demonstrated that there aremany other thingsmoreimportantthanthesource.Thatisareallybadmessagetosendanyoneinyourlifewhomyouvalue.

ValidationTechnique2:Thoughtfulness

Thoughtfulness is probably the most commonly used of thevalidation techniques but in a limited manner. I want to emphasize it herebecause I have found throughmy practical application of these techniques, aswellasstudyofpersonalitytypes,thatfewpeoplenaturallyusethistoitsfullestpotential,and,mostof the time,wedon’t realizewhen it isbeingused;allweknowiswereallylikethepersonwhogivesit.

Mywifehappenstobeoneofthoseindividualswhonaturallyplacestheneeds,wants,andwelfareofothersaboveherown.Sheisconstantlyaskingif you need anything. She always says “Be careful.” She alwayswill preparesomethingforyoutoeatbeforeshepreparessomethingforherself.Mywifehasthisnatural,beautifulgift thatIonlyrecentlyunderstoodandrecognized.Isaythat because I never consciously took count of thenumberof times a day shesaysacomfortingorkindwordorshowedinterestinthewell-beingofme,ourchildren,andothers. I triedcountingonafewoccasions,andI lostcountafter50.

Demonstrate thoughtfulness in your actions and, more important, yourwords to every individual in your life, and I predict those relationships willgreatly be enhanced. The effect is easily used on strangers as well. I begancarrying both hand sanitizer as well as chewing gum wherever I go. Whilestanding in a line at a storeor sitting chattingwith strangers or friends, Iwilltake out either and offer it to another individual first. The positive effect isimmediateandtheindividualisgenerallyveryreceptivetoconversation.

ValidationTechnique3:ValidateThoughtsandOpinions

Mosthumanbeingsareveryself-centered.Wearebiologicallybredtobeself-centered as a survivalmechanism. That iswhywhen in stressful survivaltype situations,ournatural inclinationsare to takecareofourownsafety firstthen theneedsofothers.That is alsowhywhenwewitnesswhatweconsiderheroicactsofothers,wearerecognizinghowsomeindividualshavedefiedtheirowngeneticsandbiologyandmadeachoicetoputothers’needsandwantsfirst.These are considered admirable qualities because they go against our innateegocentricsurvivalmechanisms.

Validating the thoughts and opinions of others is very powerful but canalso be very difficult because of our innate need to correct others and thedifficultywehave suppressingour own egos.Humanbeings naturallymake aconnectionwithotherswho“think likewedo.”Consider the fact that ifeveryhumanbeingactuallyvalidatedthethoughtsandopinionsofothers,therewouldbenoworldconflicts.Thebeautyofallofthesetoolsandtechniquesisthattheyareallpartofourindividualchoices.

Ihavefoundoneofthemosteffectivemethodsforgettingindividuals todowhatIwantthemtodoistohavethemcomeupwithmyideathenIvalidatetheiridea.Forexample,afewyearsago,IhadabrandnewconfidentialhumansourceIwasworkingwith.IknewbeforeoneofourmeetingsthatIwantedhimto help me on a project that would require him to report on situationssurroundingoneofourcountry’spoliticaladversariesthathadbeentargetingourcountry and committing corporate espionage. In these situations, I find it isalwaysmuchbettertofirstunderstandtheotherindividual’spointofview,thenvalidatehisorherpointofviewandbuilduponitwithmyideas.

While at themeeting, I askedmy source, “So,what do you think aboutcountryX?”His responsewas perfect. He said, “I think they are doing greatharm to theUnitedStates.” I responded,“That’s an interestingpointofview,whydoyouthinkthat?”Followinghisresponse,Ivalidatedhisthoughtsagain,and thenaskedhimwhathe thoughtwecoulddoabout it.Theentiredialogueandprocesswascenteredonmysource’sideasandmevalidatingthemtohavehimtakeaction.

It isveryeasy toutilize this techniqueanywhere, includingwork. Ihaveoftenusedthesametechniquewithcolleagues.Empowerthosearoundyouwithchoices, albeit choices that you have offered, but in the end, the decision istheirs.Forexample,Iwastaskedwithdevelopinganewcourseofinstruction.Ididnotreadilyseetheneedforthenewcourseandthoughtittobeunnecessary.IknewthatifIdidn’ttaketheinitiative,thecoursewouldbedevelopedwithoutmy input. Insteadofsaying,“Idon’t think that isagood idea,”or“Wedon’tneedtodothat,”Isaid,“ThatisaverygoodideathatIhadn’tthoughtof.Iseethemeritofit.Letmecomeupwithafewideasforyoutochoosefrom.”Ithenhad my colleagues on my side and not defensive but open to the options Ibroughtthem.Withinafewhours,Iproposedoptionsforimplementingtheidea.Eachof theoptions, though,wascompletelymy ideaand Iwouldbe satisfiedwithanyofthem.Ipresentedthechoices,andwedecidedononeasacourseofaction. This is what you call a “win-win” scenario, all of my own choicesthroughthevalidationofsomeoneelse’sideas.

Technique7:Ask…How?When?Why?

Ihavehadtotalstrangerstellmetheirdeepestdarkestsecretsfromreallyunusual sexual experimentations, to obsessions with designer blue jeans andeverythinginthemiddle.Akeysteptostrengtheningtheemotionalconnectioninanyrelationshipistoanchororsolidifytherelationshipwith“how,when,andwhy”questions.

Oneof thekeyconcepts thateverygreat interviewerorconversationalistknowsistoaskopenendedquestions.Openendedquestionsareonesthatdon’trequire a simple yes or no answer. They are generally questions that requiremorewordsandthought.Oncetheindividualbeingtargetedintheconversationsupplies more words and thought, a great conversationalist will utilize thecontentgivenandcontinuetoaskopenendedquestionsaboutthesamecontent.Theentiretime,theindividualbeingtargetedistheonesupplyingthecontentoftheconversation.

Forexample,inmystoryabouttheoldergentlemanthatIchattedwithinthePanera restaurant, I utilizedall the techniquesdiscussed so far toopen thedialogue and conversation about what he thought was an appropriate age forgirlstostartdating.Thegentlemanleanedbackinhischair,putabigsmileonhis faceandsaid,“Well, Idohave twodaughters,one23and theother25.” Ireplied, “Ahh, so I have an expert.” He chuckled and said that he wasn’t anexpert but he did have some experience. I then asked him the open endedquestion based on exactly what he said. I asked, “Please tell me about yourexperience.”Thekeywordshereare“please,”whichhitsonthesympathythemeand “your experience” is merely follow-up with information he had alreadyreleased. It is very important to listen to the content that the other individualsuppliesandthreadfromthatcontentusingopenendedquestions.

MyfriendatthePanerarestaurantwentontodiscussthathedidn’tlikethefirst boyfriend that his oldest daughter brought home. Threading with theprovided content, I asked, “Why?” The gentleman elaborated, describing howtheyoungmandidn’tdisplaymuchrespectforhimbythewayhestrolledintohishouseandtriedtoavoideyecontactandconversationwithhim.Iaskedmyfriendifhethoughtthiswasmaybeagenerationaldifference.Myfriendthoughtforaminuteandsaidthatmaybeitwasgenerational.

Byaskingagenerational typeofquestion, Iwasattempting to introduce

anotherlineofconversationfromtheoriginalbaseduponthefirst.Thisiscalledthreadingtheconversation.Ifollowedupwithanotheropenendedquestionthatwould,hopefully,givemeevenmorecontent toworkwith.Iaskedmyfriend,“Whatwasitlikewhenyouweregrowingupandallowedtodate?”Thistypeofopenendedanchoringquestionwilltestthenewrelationshipdialogueandgiveyou a quick idea about how far and deep you can venture in these quickconversations.Iftheanswerisquickandshort,donotpursueitanylonger;ifittendstobeabitlonger,youhavesomethingtoworkwith.Inthisparticularcase,myfriendcontinuedtoelaborateaboutwherehegrewupandthetypeofvalueshisparentshadinstilledinhim.Healsowentontodiscusshisthreebrothersandonesister.

Following a few more “how, when, and why,” he went on for 20-30minutesaboutallaspectsofhisgrowingupandhisfamilylife,includinghowherecently lost his mother and how his father was beginning to show signs ofdementia. The things people will share when given the opportunity is trulyremarkable. This technique would not have been nearly as effective if I waswaiting my turn to interject my own stories. Remember, ego suspension iscritical.

Thereareafewmoretechniquesassociatedwithasking“how,when,andwhy”thatIfeelareequallyimportantthatyoushouldattempttoincorporate:

-Minimalencouragers-Reflectivequestions-Emotionallabeling-Paraphrasing-Pauses-Summarize

Thefirstistheuseofminimalencouragers.Thesearesimpleheadnods

orverbalconfirmationsthatyouarepayingattentionandlistening,suchas“uhhuh,” “yes,” “I understand,” etc. Using your accommodating nonverbalcommunicationstylehereisveryeffectiveandcongruentwiththistechnique.Ineedtoaddawordofcautionhowever;doingthisinsincerelyortoomuchcanleadtotheindividualviewingyouasuncaringandcold.

Thesecondtechniqueisanotherformofquestioningbutwithouthavingtothinkofaquestionoraway toget theperson to tellyoumore; it isreflective

questioning.Thesearereallyfun,buttakesomepracticeifyouarenotfamiliarwithusingthem.Ihavepersonallyfoundthemtobeabsolutelyterrificandeasyonceyouareaccustomedtousingthem.Forexample,inmydialoguewithmyfriendabove,atonepoint,hedescribedhowtheyoungmanwhocameovertodate his daughter didn’t havemuch respect for him. Ifmy friend had stoppedthere,andIwantedhimtoelaboratewithoutseeming topushy, Icouldsimplyrepeatwhathe just said, “Hedidn’thavemuch respect foryou?”By restatingwhat he just said but as a question, the individual becomes compelled toelaborate more. The technique of reflective questioning uses some sympathybecauseyouneedhelpinunderstandingsomething.Thetechniquealsotouchesonthehumancharacteristicofwantingtomentorandteachothers.Mosthumanbeingsaregeneticallywiredtoberesponsivetothesetechniques.

Iusethiswithmychildrenaswell.Nottoolong,agomydaughtercamehome from school and informed my wife and me that she wanted to wearmakeup to a school dance. Instead of badgering her with questions of mychoosing, I allowed her to explain in more detail first by using reflectivequestioning. Iwas curious about the school dance, so I said, “School dance?”Followingmydaughtersexplanationofthedance,Isaid,“Makeup?”Shethenelaboratedonwhatshewantedtodoregardingwearingmakeup.Theseopeningreflective questions allowedmy daughter to feel in control and as if she wasbeing listened to.Then,when I introducedother ideas and considerations, shetended to be more receptive. And, yes, ultimately, she decided not to wearmakeuptotheschooldance. Emotional labeling is the next technique. This can be a very powerfultechnique, especially in instanceswhere someone is displaying a great deal ofemotion.Discoveringthecausesofthoseemotionscanleadtorichengagements.Igenerallydon’tusethistechniqueunlessIseeindividualswhoappeartohavehad a roughday. It is useful because I have found that thegeneral third-partyreference and other techniques are not as effective when individuals feeldistraughtorjustinanoverallbadmood.Ihavefoundthathavinganopenearinthese situations allows the individual to feel better for talking, and, generally,youcan’tgetthemtobequietoncetheystart.

My most striking recent example of the power of emotional labelinginvolvesmeandafriend.Forashortperiodoftime,myfriend/colleagueandItraveled around the country teaching some of these techniques to FBI fieldagents.MyfriendandIwouldinstructdifferentblocksofinstructionbaseduponour individual skills. Onone trip toChicago,my friendhad askedmehow I

endeduphavingsuchin-depthconversationswithtotalstrangers.Idescribedtohim the concept of asking, “How? When? and Why?” as well as emotionallabeling.We had just finished our dinner that evening andwere sitting in thehotelloungewherewewerestaying,watchingasportingeventonTV.

Myfriendchallengedmewithhavingoneofthesedeepconversationswiththeverynextpersonwhocameintotheloungeandsatnearus.Iagreed,butIalsochallengedhimwith thesame task.Not threeseconds laterawomanwholookedtobeinherlate50stoearly60scameinandsatdownnexttome.Shelookeddefeatedandexhausted.Thewomanquicklyorderedaglassofwineandbeganstaringatthewall.Iglancedoveratmyfriendwhojustsmiledatme.Hethen had a similarwoman sit next to him. I chuckled tomyself and began tothinkabouthowtoopentheconversation.

Ibeganbymatchinghernonverbalbehaviorandstaredatthesamewall.AfewminuteslaterIstatedopenly,“Stressfulday,huh?”Thewomanglancedatme over her shoulder, and I keptmy position facing thewall so as to not bethreatening.She said, “Youhaveno idea.” I simplynodded in agreement.WewerebothstaringaheadwhenInoticedanunusualpieceofdecorativeartonthewall. I ordered a glass ofwine like hers and stated, “What do you think thatrepresents?”

ThetechniquesIchosestartedwithabitofemotionallabelingtobreaktheice,andthenIbackedoffandlaterinterjectedathird-partyreferenceabouttheart.Thewomanrespondedthatshedidn’texactlyknowbutbegantooffersomeofherthoughtsaboutit.Ithenaskedheraboutwhyherdaywasstressful.

Wehadalreadybeenchattingabouttheartfor5-10minutes,sothewomanfeltcomfortableenoughtostartsharingthatshewastheofficemanagerforfivelocalbuildingsandthatshehadahorribledaydealingwithdifficulttenants.Theconversationwith her lasted for another hour. At one point, wewent back todiscussingtheartonthewall.Sheinformedmeshegotintoartduringthetimeshewasinstitutionalizedforhavinganervousbreakdown.Iwasstillamazedthatsheneveronce askedmeaboutwhat I did for a livingor anyquestions aboutmyself.Remember, if youdon’t try to interject your content, peoplegenerallywon’task.Mostpeoplewould rather tell theirownstories rather than listen toyours.

IhadjustabouthadmyfilloftheconversationwhenIglancedovertosee

myfriend.Tomyamazement,heglancedoveratmewithablankstare.Ilookedaround to thewomanhewasspeaking toandnoted that shehad tears runningdownherface.Hemerelynoddedatme,thenattheexit.Weexcusedourselvesfromour respectiveconversationsandwent to theelevatorbank toheadup toour respective rooms. I asked him, “What happened?He toldme that he haddoneexactlywhatIsaidtodo.Thenextthingheknewshewastellinghimaboutherdivorceandgotextremelyemotional.Hedidn’tknowwhattosayordobutfelt reallybad.Webothwitnessed thepowerofemotional labeling,aswell astheeffectofsuspendingourownneedtotalkaboutourselves. Paraphrasingisthenexttechniquethatdemonstratestotheotherpersonthat you are paying attention. It is also great at helping you remember thecontentof theconversation for recall later. I rememberoncesittingonaplanenext to awomannamedGail.Gailwenton todiscusshowshe livedwithherfatherbecausesheisasinglemom.Shehadgivenbirthtoherfirstsonwhenshewassixteenandstillinhighschool.Ididn’tsitinjudgmentofthechoiceshehadmadebutvalidatedhowtough itmusthavebeenandwhatachallenge itmusthave been to raise her son.Galewent on to tellme that she had another sonbefore graduating high school but that she was very proud of her boys. Hereldest sonwasstartinghis senioryearofcollegeanddoingverywell,andheryoungesthad justenlisted in theMarineCorps. Iagaincommendedheron theparentingshegaveherboys.

I remember about half-way through the conversation I paraphrasedwhatshehadbeentalkingtomeaboutforthelasthour.Isaid,“So,please,correctmewhereIamwrong;yougavebirthtoyourfirstsonwhenyouweresixteen,yourmother leftyouandyour father.Your fatherhadyoustayathomeandhelpedyouraiseyoursons.Youandyourboyfriendweregoingtogetmarriedbutthenheranoff.Yourfatherisahardworkingfarmerandtaughtyourboysthevalueofgoodhardwork,andyouwereabletofinishschoolastheyworkedthefarm.”Gale just looked at me in amazement and said, “Wow, you were actuallylistening?”

Peoplehavegottensoused topeoplenotgiving them their fullattentionthatwhenyoudo,itisthemostwonderfulandcheapestgiftandrapportbuilderonearth.Paraphrasingcanbebothanexcellenttoolatestablishingthatyouarelistening,anditalsocanserveasareflectivetypeofquestioningbutonamuchbroaderscale.FollowingmyparaphrasingwithGale,sheelaboratedmorejustasinareflectivequestion.Similar toparaphrasing, this techniqueisalsofantasticfor remembering details. For example, I am sitting here writing all these

anecdotes to illustratemypointswithoutanynoteson theseevents.Nomatterwhat the time lapse has been, I remember them as vividly as the day theyhappened.Meanwhile, mywife gets onme to remember what the kids after-school activities are for the day.Thinking about it, I should probably use thismoreathome.

Interlacedwithallthesetechniquesistheplacementofpauses.Creatingapauseinaconversationcanservetwopurposes.Thefirstistocreateabreakinthe dialogue so you can think about what you want to say next, rather thancontinuetogoonwithoutthought.Thesecondpurposeistocreatethatslightlyawkward silence that hopefully the other personwill fill with his or her owncontent.Onceheorsheprovidesmorecontent,youwillhavemoreitemstoask,“How?When?andWhy?”about.

Finally,useasummaryattheendoftheconversation.Similartotheothertechniques, the summary serves a few purposes. First, it will act likeparaphrasing in that it will demonstrate to the other person that you werelistening.Second, likeparaphrasing, the summarywill helpyou remember thecontent of the conversation for future conversations. Finally, the summary isgreat if there were any favors asked or commitments made. The summaryeliminates any confusion on these points if they were not clear during theoriginaldiscussion.Beingclearaboutthecontent,obligations,orcommitmentsmade during the conversations keeps misunderstanding and potential hurtfeelingslateronataminimum.

Asking“How?When?andWhy?”is justanothersmallpartof theentireformula for interpersonal relationships. Executing these steps alone won’tguarantee success. Each technique is woven within each other. This step is avery critical one, however, when trying to create more meaningful emotionalanchorsand trustwithpeople.Humanbeingsareconstantlyexploringwhethertheyarebeingacceptedforwhotheyare.Whenagreatconversationalistevokesstories, such as the ones described above, and does so without judgment andgives validation, the feeling of trust builds. Remember though, it is all aboutthemandnotyou.Suspendyourownegoanddonotexpect reciprocity in theformofaskingaboutyouorwhatyoudooraboutthethingsthatyouthinkmakeyou great. Some people may actually care, but more often they are moreinterestedinthemselves.Letthemshare.

Technique8:ConnectWithQuidProQuo

Sometimesyouhavetogivetoget.Quidproquoreferstotheartofgivinga little information about yourself to get a little fromothers.Out of all of thetechniques, this one is themost subtle and if all of the others techniques areworkingeffectively,mightnotbeusedatall.

Inmy experiences, there are really only two types of situationswhere Ihaveutilizedquidproquo.Thefirstandmorecommonoftheinstancesiswhenyouattempt toconversewithsomeonewhoiseithervery introverted,guarded,or both. The second instance is when the person you are conversing withsuddenly becomes very aware about howmuch they have been speaking, andtheysuddenlyfeelawkward.Inbothinstances,givingalittleinformationaboutyouwillhelpalleviatesomeoftheissues.

Afewyearsago,IwasonaflightfromWashington,DCtoLosAngelesandbeforeIhadgottenontheplane,IhaddecidedthatIwantedtotryoutafewmoreconversationtechniquesduringthetrip.IwasveryexcitedbecauseIhadjustdiscoveredusinga“third-partyreference”asaconversationstarter.A“thirdparty reference” is where you discuss something not about you or the otherpersontoinitiateaconversation.

Iwalkeddowntheaisleand tookmyseat.Seatednext tomeagainst thewindow was a woman about my age. She was dressed like a businessprofessionalandwasdiligentlyreadingsomepapersandmaterials. Itappearedas though shewas studying for something.As I satdown, I smiledather andbegancontemplatingmyopeningthird-partyreferenceline.

Followingtakeoffandourascenttoourcruisingaltitude,thewomantookoutalaptopcomputerandbeganworkingonthat,aswellashernotes.Ithoughtthatthiswasagoodopportunitytousethelaptopasagoodthird-partyreference.Isaid,“Hi,I’msorrytobotheryou,butI’minthemarketforanewlaptopandwas wondering what you thought of yours?” The woman looked up at mesheepishly and said itwasok andwent back toherworking / studying. Iwasreallydisappointed that Iwasn’t able to strikeupmoreof a conversationwiththatgreatthird-partyreferenceopener.

Iquicklyrealizedthatathird-partyreferencealonemaynotbeenoughfor

somepeople.IdecidedthatitmightbeeffectiveifIdivulgealittleaboutmyselffirst tomakeher feel safe. I alsowanted to ensure that shedidn’t think Iwasgoing to talk at her for the five-hour flight. My next strategy was simple; Idecidedtomatchhernonverballybytakingoutmylaptopandworkingonit.Ihavenumerouspicturesofmychildrenonmylaptop,soIthoughtsharingafewpicturesofmychildrenfirstmightbeagoodwaytobothdemonstratethatI’mnon-threatening as well as bringing in some potential other topics ofconversationforlater.

I let aboutanhourpass, then tookoutmy laptopandbeganworkingonanother article I had been contemplating. The woman continued her diligentattentiontoherownwork.AfteraboutfiveminutesIpulledupafewphotosofmytwochildrenwhentheyweretoddlers.Ileftthemonthescreenandsaidtothewoman,“I’msorrytointerruptyou,butmywifesentmethesephotosofmykidsthismorning,andI justhavetosharethem.”Thewomanleanedoverandlookedatmyphotos,andabigsmileemergedonherface.Ithoughttomyself,“I’min!”

The woman commented that my children were very cute and askedmetheirages. I toldherand thenaddedoneor twomore factsabout theircurrentinterests.Ithenshiftedtheconversationbacktoherandaskedherifshehadanysiblings.Thewomansaidthatshedidanddidn’toffermore.IcouldtellquicklythatIneededtoofferevenalittlemorequidproquoandstatedthatitwasreallyinterestingbecausemytwochildrenareverycloseinage,22months,andenjoymanyofthesamethings.Iwentontoinquireaboutherexperience.FinallythewomanbegantospeakabitmoreabouthersiblingsandgrowingupinasmallfamilyinaChicagosuburb.Ilistenedintentlyandutilizedthe“how,when,andwhy” techniques discussed in the last chapter. Followingmyvalidation of hercontent/conversation,Ipolitelylefthertoresumeherstudying.Remember,myintent is never tooverwhelmbut to slowlybuild trust throughnon-threateningdialogue.

Aboutanotherhourlater,thedrinkandsnackservicehadcomeandgone.Ipolitelyofferedassistance tohold things forherandofferedmy trayspace forherworksoshecouldenjoyherbeveragewithoutfearofspillingitonherlaptoporwork.Allthesetechniquesarepartofgiftgivingthatwewillcoverinthenextchapter. I didn’t attempt anyconversationduring these timesbecause I, again,didnotwant toseempushy tosomeonewhowasobviously intentonstudying

andworking.

Shortly following the drink service, the woman began studying again. Idecideditwasagoodtimetoagainattemptathird-partyreferenceandseehowfar Icould take it.Wehadspenthoursnext toeachother. Iwasverypolite. Idivulgedpersonalinformationusingquidproquo,andIhadbeenunobtrusivesofar.Ileanedslightlyovertoherandsaid,“Idon’tknowwhatyouarestudyingfor, but, as far as I can tell, you will ace whatever test it is for.” This veryvalidating statement had the required effect. The woman smiled broadly andthankedme.Shewentontotellmeaboutthetestshewasstudyingfor.Shealsowent on to discuss that shewas a network administrator for a large aerospacebusiness and a great deal of other personal and professional information. Thewoman’snamewasLataniaandwehadaniceconversationforthelasthouroftheplaneride.Thesuccessofthisengagementwasnotbecauseofonetechniquealone,butbecauseIremainedflexible,usedmultipletechniques,andrecognizedearlyon that Iwas speakingwith someonewhowas introverted,guarded, anddefinitelybusy.Realizingtheseissuesearlyhelpedmetousepatienceaswellasquidproquotomakeherfeelmorecomfortablewithadialogue.Thekeyisnottospeakaboutyoutoomuch.Remember,itisallaboutthem,notyou.

Thesecondinstancewemightusequidproquoiswhentheindividualwe are conversingwith has that sudden look of, “Oh gosh, howmuch have Ibeentalking?”Thishashappenedtomeonmorethanoneoccasion.Inevitably,whenweareusingthesetechniqueseffectively,theindividualswearespeakingwithwillcontinuetospeakuninterruptedforaslongasyouarewillingtolisten.Most often, they have no idea howmuch information they are giving up, andtheyalsoareobliviousthattheyaretheonlyonestalking.AsIhavesaidbefore,allof thepeople Ihave taught these techniques toaredumbfoundedwithhowlittlesomeonewillaskaboutyouifyoukeepthefocusonthem.

There are those occasions, however, when the person suddenly realizesthat they have been going on and on about themselves. Usually, in thoseinstances,theyfeelvulnerablebecausetheytendtodoaquickmentalrecaponall thedeepcontent theyhave just revealed tosomeone theyeither justmetorbarelyknow.In thosemomentsofrealization, theytendtofeelas if theywerestandingnakedinfrontofyoubecauseofhowmuchtheyhaveshared.Thebestwaytokeepthisfromhappeningistosprinklealittlequidproquothroughoutthedialoguebeforeitgetsthatfar.Ingeneral,ifyouhavebeenlettingsomeone

speakabout themselvesandit isgoingprettygoodforabout15minutes, thinkabout interjectingoneor twosmallquick linesaboutyourself.Keepthisquickandlightsothatyoudon’tshiftthefocusfromthemtoyou.Thewholepurposehere is to show that you are similar in your likes and interests and alsomakethemfeelasthoughtheyarenottheonlyonespeaking.

IrememberoneofthefunniestinstancesIencounteredwaswhenItookawork-related trip toMiamia fewyearsago. Iwasstayingatagreathotel inahigher class sectionofMiami anddecided tohavedinner at thehotel bar thateveningafterwork.Igenerallyliketheseenvironmentswhentravelingbecausetheyoffergreatopportunitiestopracticetheseskillswithbothpatrons,aswellasthebarstaff.

On this particular evening the bar was pretty slow. My waitress /bartenders namewasKristi. I ordered a Caesar salad for dinner.WhenKristibroughtoutmysalad,sheaskedif therewasanythingelseshecouldgetme.Iamabitweirdabout some food things, and I absolutely love spicy food…oneverything. I askedKristi if she couldbringme somehot sauce formy salad.Shegavemeaquizzicallookandbroughtmesome.AsIsprinkledthehotsauceovermy salad she asked if I like hot salsa aswell. I told her I did and that Ireally loved spicy food. These topics ended up being a great third-partyreferencetostartwith.Kristithenspentthenexthourtellingmeallabouthowshemakes the best salsa ever. Shewent on to tellme about her career in thehospitality industry, how she is almost donewith her degree in the same, herboyfriendwhoistryingtobecomeastatetrooper,andalloftheirmutualdreamsandaspirations.Irememberafterthatfirsthourshelookedatmewiththat“Uh,oh”lookandsaid,“Ohmygosh,Ican’tbelievehowmuchI’vebeentalking.”Itwasreallyfunnybecauseassoonasshesaidit, Igaveaverysmallamountofquid pro quo and she was off talking again. I was having such a fun timegleaningall typesof informationfromher that I let theconversationgoonforaboutthreehours.Imusthavedoneagreatjobatvalidatinghercontentbecausethe next day when I went down for dinner, she handed me her and herboyfriend’ssecretsalsarecipeshehadcopieddownforme,alongwithasmalljarofittheyhadmadeforme.

Outofallofthetechniqueswehavediscussed,IhavefoundthatquidproquoisnotthemostcommononeIuse,butitdoesbecomeinfinitelyimportantwhenyouencounterthetwotypesofsituationsIdescribedabove.Whenyoudo

findyourself inthetypeofsituationwhereyouaregoingtousethetechnique,ensure that you use it sparingly and only as much as needed and no morebecause the focus alwaysmust remainon the individual you are targeting andnotyourself.As longasyouareusingquid-pro-quofor themandnotyou, theconversationwillbeasuccess.

Technique9:GiftGiving(ReciprocalAltruism)

Mostpeoplewouldfeelbadlyif theyreceivedagiftandforgot tosayorsendathankyounotetothegiver.Whensomeonedoesyouafavoryoumostlikely want to reciprocate with gratitude. Great rapport builders andconversationalistsusethisdesireproactivelyduringeveryconversation.

This technique, coupled with ego suspension, are the cornerstones forbuildinggreatrelationships.Thisisalsotheeasiesttechniquetoutilize,becausegiftscome inmany forms, fromnonmaterialcompliments, to tangiblematerialgifts.Giftgiving,orreciprocalaltruism,ishardwiredinourgenetics.

Mankind’s ancestors were hunters gatherers. Being part of a huntergatherersocietymeantthatwhenthehunterswouldgoonahunt,notallwouldbesuccessful.Thehunterswouldreturntocamp,andtheonesthathadsuccesswould either share or not share the food they had procured. The hunters thatdidn’t share would likewise not have food shared with them, if they foundthemselves in the situation where they were unsuccessful or became sick orinvalid.Thehuntersthatsharedor“giftgave,”weretakencareofandgivenfoodinreciprocityforthegiftsoffoodthattheygaveearlieron.Thegeneticsofthesurvivorswerethenpassedon;inotherwords,giftgivingorreciprocalaltruismisineachofourgeneticcodes.Humanbeingsingeneralhaveacompulsiontoreciprocate gifts given. Social norms can often times enhance this desire, butregardless,itexistsatthegeneticlevel.

I generally will give either material or nonmaterial gifts. Many of thetechniquesdescribedbeforenowareactuallygreatexamplesofnonmaterialgiftsorthegiftof“focus.”Eachofthesetypesofgiftsfocusesontheotherindividualanddoesn’tpossessanymaterialsubstance.Keepingthefocusonanotherpersoninthisnonmaterialmannerreleasesthechemicaldopamineinourbrainstoourpleasurecenterreceptorsandcangenerallygiveusgoodfeelings.Thiscanbeagreatgiftand isoftenwhy these techniqueswork.People love togetgiftsandthebetterthegiftgiveryouare,themorepeoplewillwanttobearoundyoutogetthegiftof“focus.”

Whengiving the gift of “focus” the individual receiving the giftmayormay not be conscious of the gift they are receiving. Regardless, the desire toreciprocateremainsstrong.Thebestpartaboutthegiftof“focus”isthatittendsto be inexpensive. Each of the stories I have told throughout this book haveencompassed a degree of the gift of “focus.” In all of my examples, theindividuals Iwas interactingwithwere consciously unaware of the gift Iwasgiving. They were reciprocating the gift by having a conversation with me,allowing me to photograph them in their boots, giving me sensitive personalinformation,walkingawayfromroadrage,ortellingmetheirinner-mostsecrets.ThisnextexamplewasanonmaterialgiftthatIgave.

Afewyearsago,Iwastakingsomeadvancedclassesinpsychology.Therewasan individual inmyorganization,Bill,whowas inchargeof theprogramthatIwasstudying.IwasconstantlyamazedathowdedicatedBillwasathisjobandhowhelpfulandcheeryhealwayswas,despitethefactthathealonewasinchargeofmanaging1200people and theirneeds in theprogram.Bill keptmemotivatedandgoingevenwhenIwantedtogiveup.IwasverygratefultoBillfor all he had done for me, even though it was a nonmaterial gift. I feltcompelledtoreciprocatethegiftandIdidsousingthegiftoffocuslikehehad.

IwroteanarticleaboutBilland the typeofgreat leadershipandhelphewasfortheFBI’sLawEnforcementBulletin.ThearticledescribedBillandhowanyonecanbealeaderfromanypositiontheyhold.ThearticlewaspublishedintheFebruary,2011editionoftheLawEnforcementBulletin.Iwasveryexcitedwhen I told Bill about the article I wrote about him. I also informed hismanagementaboutthearticleandhowBillhadinspiredmebecauseofthegreatworkethicandleadershipheuseseveryday.

Materialgiftsaresimilartothegiftoffocus,buttheindividualgenerallyknows he or she is receiving a gift because of the tangible nature of the gift.Although, the type of gift givenmay not immediately trigger recognition of agift,theresultoftheirneedtoreciprocatewillbethesame.

Everyonerecognizeswhensomeonegivesthemawrappedgift,butdoyourecognizewhen othermaterial gifts are given? For example, I generally carryboth hand sanitizer and breath mints with me. While standing in a line at acheckoutcounter,Imaytakemyhandsanitizerout,andoffersometothepersonnexttomebeforeItakesomemyself.Eveniftheydecline,theyfeeltheneedtoreciprocatetheofferofthegift.Mostoften,itisreciprocatedinthewillingnesstoconverse.Iwilldothesamethingwithbreathmints.Youwouldbeamazedat

how friendly and helpful people becomewhen you offer them a small gift ortoken.Thebesttimetogivethegiftisbeforetheyofferyouone.Preemptivegiftgivingisgreatatfacilitatingfutureengagements.

OnarecenttriptoNewYorkCity,IdecidedtotakethetrainfromwhereIliveinVirginia.Iboardedthetrainwithmysmalltravelbagandtypicalarsenalofhandsanitizer,breathmints, andahostofotherFBI lapelpinsand trinketsthatmakegreatgifts.TheseatnexttomewasemptywhenIfirstgoton,butasthetrainmadeafewmorestopsagentlemanaboutmyagesatdown,tookoutanewspaperandbeganreadingit.Ididn’tsayanything,justsatthereandreadabookaswell.AshortwhilelaterheaskedmeifIknewwherethelavatorywas.IpointedtothefrontofthecarandsaidIthoughtitwasthatway.Hethankedme,andaskedme tosavehisseatwhilehechecked itout.Afewminutes laterhereturned,statingthatthelavatorywasindeedthatway.

Myassistancetothegentlemanwasalreadyconsideredtobeanonmaterialgiftandheseemedgrateful.Whenthegentlemanreturned,Idecidedtoenhancethegiftgivingandofferedhimsomehandsanitizer.Hegratefullyacceptedsomeandthankedme.IallowedthemanhisspaceandIcontinuedtoreadmybook.Anothershortwhilelater,themansaidhewasgoingtogotothesnackcarandasked again if Iwouldwatch his seat for him. I smiled and agreed.When hereturned,hehadabagofchipsandachocolatechipcookiewithasoda.Whenhefinishedhissnack,Itookoutmybreathmints,tookoneformyselfandaskedifhewouldlikeone.Heagaintookoneandthankedme.

Followingthelastgift,themanangledhisbodytowardme,andsaidthathewas very appreciative for how friendly and helpful I had been to him.HeaskedmewhereIwasheading.ItoldhimNewYorkCity.Thegentlemantoldmehewasalso,andthathewasthemanagerataveryhighendsteakhouseinManhattan.Hetookouthisbusinesscard,wroteafewwordsonitandhandedittome.ThemaninstructedmetobringaguestandthiscardintohisrestaurantwhenIwasintown,andhewouldensureweenjoyedagreateveningtogetheron him. I was astonished and extremely grateful for such a wonderful gift. Ithankedthegentlemanprofuselyanddugintomybagandpresentedhimwithasmall token of thanks in the form of an FBI Behavioral Analysis Programcommemorative coin. I described to him the heraldry of the coin, and themeaning behind each symbol. Each of uswas very grateful for the fine gifts,bothmaterialandimmaterialthatweexchangedthatday.

Thekey to thesuccessof the laststorywas that Istarted thegiftgiving,

anddidsowithoutanyexpectationofreciprocity.Whenindividualsgivegiftsordokinddeedswithanagendaattheforefrontoftheirmind,itdemeansthevalueofthegift,andhastheappearanceofinsincerity.Thekeytobeingasuccessfulgiftgiveristomanageyourexpectationsandkeepthefocusonthem.

Technique10:ManageExpectations

Have you ever wondered why bad used car salesmen come across assleazy?Or,bycontrast,haveyouevermetsomeonethatyoufeltimmediatelyateasewithandfelt likeyoucouldchatforever?Therearepeopleamongusthatcanwalkuptoaknownspyonthestreet,offerhimagreatopportunitytoworkfortheUnitedStates,anddosowiththegreatestofeaseandgrace.Onefactoreffectingthesesituationsistheabilitytomanageexpectations.

Every conversation or engagement with another human being has anagenda. Another definition of agenda might be objective or desired outcome. Sometimes the agenda is to sell you a used car. Sometimes the agenda is toshare a secret. Other times, it is simply to make another person feel better.Regardlessofthesituation,whetheritisanaltruisticintentionornot,thereisanagenda.Theindividualsinlifethatareabletoeithermasktheiragendaorshifttheagendatosomethingaltruisticwillhavegreatsuccessatbuildingrapport.

Forexample,whenmyfamilyandIwerepreparingtomovefromonestatetoanother,weresearchedanumberofdifferentrealtorsbeforemakingourfinaldecision.We interviewedeach realtor andasked thema fewsimplequestions.Themostimportantquestiontouswas,“Whydoyoulikebeingarealtor?”TheanswerthatmywifeandIwerelookingforwas,“IenjoybeingarealtorsothatIcanhelpfamiliesfindtheirperfecthome.”Iftherealtordidn’tanswerwiththatresponse,theywerealreadyruledout.Iftherealtorgaveustheanswerwewerelookingfor,wefollowedupwith,“Howdoyougoaboutdoingthat?”

Mostof therealtors thatwe interviewedgave theproper initial response,butthefollow-upquestionelicitedamyriadofresponses.Therealtor’sresponsethatwelikedbestincludedthathehadgrownupinourarea.Ourrealtor,Chris,knew the area intimately, from the school systems to the zoning laws to themyriadofsubdivisionsandalltheirrelatedissues.Chriswasalsoknowledgeableaboutallthehomebuildersforeachsubdivision.Hewentontodescribethathesawitashisresponsibilitytopassthisknowledgeontoussothatwecanmakethe right choice for our family. I asked Chris if he ever gave his personalopinion.He said that he never does unless asked, and then he ensures that heexplainshispersonalrationaleforhischoicessothatwewouldbeabletoweighit objectively against our own. Chris’s main objective was to ensure our

happiness. I asked him if this has been an effective business model for him.Chris stated that placing the client’s needs above his personal sales objectiveshas been effective because, if he provides a client great service they willinevitablybehappierandhopefullypassalongareferral.

MywifeandIlikewhatwehadheardfromChris,anddecidedtogowithhimandseeifhisactionsbackeduphiswords.Afewweekslaterwehadseenagoodmanyhomeswithhimandhewastruetohisword.Chriswasindeed100%focusedonourneedsandwants.Hedidn’ttrytosellushigherpricedhomesthatwouldbringhimagreater profit.Chris did a great jobof focusingonus, andmanaginghisownpersonalexpectationsandagenda.

Whenweareabletoshiftormanageourexpectations,wereducepotentialdisappointment.Whenwe are disappointed,we sometimes get angry andmayevenhold grudges andget hurt feelings.These emotions are not conducive tohealthyorlongtermrelationships.Theseemotionsaredefinitelynotconduciveto developing quick rapport. The best technique to avoid these emotions is tomanage expectations. In the example above, Chris had the goal of selling ahouse.Somerealtorswillcreateobjectivesinordertoaccomplishthisgoal,suchasmakeextraonacommissionbysellingalargerhouse.Chrisdecidedtoswitchhisobjectivetofindingtheperfecthouseforus.Bymanaginghisexpectationsand focusing on our needs rather than his own, Chris ensured our long-termloyalty and relationship.Needless to say,wewere very happy because I havereferrednumerouspeople,aswellaswritingabouthiminthisbook.

I discovered the technique of shifting and managing expectations whileworkingfortheFBIinNewYorkCity.Myjobsometimesrequiredmetowalkuptoindividualswhodidn’tknowmeandwhowereknowntobespyingagainsttheUnitedStatesonbehalfofanothercountry.Then,IhadtoaskthemiftheywouldliketoworkfortheUnitedStatesgovernment.These“approaches”wereneverascrudeasIjustdescribed,butitgivesyouthegeneralidea.Irememberthe very first time I was going to perform what we call a “pitch.” I wasextremelynervousforanumberofreasons.Ithinkthemainreasonwasthatifhewere toagree tohaveadialogueabout thepossibility; itwas theequivalent inthe intelligence world of winning the lottery. I remember I was so nervousbecauseIwasgoingtowalkuptoastrangerandaskaverysensitivequestion.AboutthirtyminutesbeforeIwasgoingto“bumpintohim”onastreetcornerwhilehewasout forawalk, Idecided to shiftmyexpectationsaswell asmyperception. Instead of having the expectation of a yes or no answer from acompletestranger,IdecidedtothinkofhimasafriendIwasabouttoprovidean

opportunity to.I letgoofmyexpectationandhopedforayes,andfocusedonmaking a proposal to him. This simple shift in my expectation lowered myanxietygreatly.

AfewminuteslaterIencounteredthegentlemanandwehadawonderfulconversationandquickrapportbaseduponallofthetechniquesIhavedescribedto you in this book. Managing my expectations ensured that I sounded andlookedconfidentandcalmwhileperformingaverystressfultask.Thistechniqueisimportantandcrucialbecauseallofthetechniquesbeforethisonerequireyoutonotseemlikeaseedyusedcarsalesmanwhenhavingaconversation.Ifyoucanmanageyourexpectationsbeforeanencounterandensuretheconversationis for their benefit and not yours, you will greatly enhance your chances forsuccess.

Iamgoingtodedicatethelastpartofthischaptertomywifeandallthebeautiful people in theworld like her. I really discovered the need tomanageexpectations based upon my observations of her and the hurt feelings andfrustrations she would sometimes have. My wife is one of those wonderfulpeople who will ask you about your children, family, and everything that isgoing on in your life. She will naturally follow up each answer with thetechniqueof“how,when,andwhy.”Mywifenaturallyhasasuspendedego.Inotherwords,shedoesafantasticjobatmanyofthesetechniquesnaturally,likeIam sure many others do as well. The difference I noticed between her and Ithoughwas inour individual responses to individualswhodon’taskaboutourfamily,children,orpersonalinterests.

Mywifesometimeshastheunrealisticexpectationthatpeoplewouldliketo ask her about her family asmuch as she enjoys asking about theirs.Manytimes she would come away from conversations and express her hurt andfrustrationtome.WhenIwasabletofinallyrealizewhatwashappening,Iwasable to explain to her this concept ofmanaging expectations.Mywife has anagendawhenengaging in theseconversations.Heragenda is to findout aboutthefamilyandinterestsofothers.Toalesserdegree,herotheragendaistotellyouaboutherfamily.Aswehavelearnedearlier,whenapersonisreallygoodatusingthesetechniques,theotherpersonwillkeeptalkingandtalkingandneverwanttohearfromyou.Thisiswhatmywifewasexperiencing.Iexplainedmyobservations to her. She looked at me after a minute of thought and said,“You’reright,sowhatcanIdo?”Itoldhershecanmakeachoice.Thechoiceissimple, don’t change what you are doing, but also don’t expect people willreciprocatethefamilyquestions.Or,theotherchoiceistosimplystopvalidating

othersasmuchasyoudosoyourfeelingsarenotashurt.

My wife decided to continue to validate others because she does enjoyfindingoutaboutthemandtheirfamiliesmorethanshelikessharingabouthers.Nowandthen,shewillencounteranotherpersonlikeherthatwillaskaboutourkids and our family. In these cases she is in pure heaven, because it was notexpectedandawonderfulgift.Thebestgiftsaretheunexpectedones.

Ultimately we can never predict the actions of others, no matter howskilled we are at these techniques. The surest way however of not beingdisappointed is to ensure that we manage our expectations before evercommencinganengagement.Alongwithmanagingourexpectations,weneedtokeep the focuson theneedsand theperceptionof theotherperson,because itreallyisnotallaboutme.

Puttingitalltogether:

Let’sgothroughthetentechniquestorefreshourmemories.Thisisalsoagoodpagetomarksothatyoucanrefertoitquicklybeforeanyencountertosharpenyourfocus.

1. Establishing artificial time constraints: Allow the person beingtargetedtofeelthatthereisanendinsight.

2. Accommodatingnonverbals:Ensurethatbothyourbodylanguageaswellasyourvoiceisnon-threatening.

3. Slower rate of speech:Don’t oversell and talk too fast.You losecredibilityquicklyandcomeontoostrongandthreatening.

4.Sympathyorassistancetheme:Humanbeingsaregeneticallycodedtoprovideassistanceandhelp.Italsoappealstotheiregothattheymayknowmorethanyou.

5. Ego suspension:Most likely the hardest technique but without adoubtthemosteffective.Don’tbuildyourselfup,buildsomeoneelseupandyouwillhavestrongrapport.

6.Validateothers:Humanbeingscravebeingconnectedandaccepted.Validation feeds this need and few give it. Be the great validator andhaveinstant,greatrapport.

7.Ask…How?When?Why?:Whenyouwanttodigdeepandmakeaconnection, there isnobetterorsaferway thanasking thesequestions.Theywilltellyouwhattheyarewillingtotalkabout.

8.Connectwithquidproquo:Somepeoplearejustmoreguardedthanothers. Allow them to feel comfortable by giving a little about you.Don’toverdoit.

9. Gift giving (reciprocal altruism): Human beings are geneticallycodedtoreciprocategiftsgiven.Giveagift,eitherintangibleormaterial,andseekaconversationandrapportinreturn.

10. Managing expectations: Avoid both disappointment as well as thelook of a bad salesman by ensuring that yourmethods are focused onbenefittingthetargetedindividualandnotyou.Ultimatelyyouwillwin,butyourmindsetneedstofocusonthem.

Younowhavethetoptensecretsonhowtobuildrapportwithanyonein

just a few minutes. There is nothing in these pages that each of us has notalready done or continues to do every day of our lives; but, when you putconscious thought and planning into every engagement, the consistent resultswillbetremendous.Icontinuallyamamazedathoweffectivethesetechniquesare in every aspect of my life. I use them with my wife, children, friends,neighbors, coworkers, and spies. These techniques are tried and true andwillbenefityouinimmeasurableways.

BeforeIusethesetechniquesorsendanyclassouttopracticethesetechniques, I remind myself and them of one everlasting rule that willdramaticallyincreaseyourprobabilityofsuccess;itisallaboutthem.TheonlygoalIhaveeitherformyselfortheindividualsIteachisthatineveryinteractiontheotherpersonshouldwalkawayfeelingmuchbetterforhavingmetyou.Youshouldbrighten theirdayand listen to themwhennooneelsewill.Build thatconnection where others wouldn’t and you will have mastered bothconversationsandquickrapport.

Thebestandmosteffectivewaytogetbetterandmorefluidwiththesetechniquesistocontinuallypracticethem.Ihaveincludedsomeexercisesinthenextsection.Theseexercisesaresimpleanddon’ttakemuchtime.Theywill help you to practice the techniques and more importantly, how to adaptthem toyourownpersonality. These skillsmustbekept sharpwith everydaypractice.

IwouldberemissifIdidnothighlightthiswarningoncemore.Onceyouhaverapportthencompliancewithrequestsiseasy.**Warning-thecontentinthisbookissoeffectivethatIwarnthereadertothinkcarefullyhowitisused.Idonotendorseorcondonetheuseoftheseskillsinmaliciousordeceptiveways**Go forth, enjoy your new skills and “enter theArena!”Make theworld abetterplace.

PracticeExercises:

Eachexerciseismeanttobuilduponthelast.Theeffectofeachofthemusedtogetherwilladdtoyourconfidenceaswellassuccesswithbuildingrapportrapidly.

One of the most important aspects to keep in mind throughout yourpractice is maintaining accommodating nonverbal behavior. Refer back to“Technique2”ifneededandpracticeafewofthetechniquesdescribed.

I have a few good friends and family members that build tremendousrapport and induce strangers to initiate conversations with them, based uponnonverbalbehavioralone.Lookingnonthreateningandaccommodatingwillbeanaturalmagnettoindividualsseekingcomfortandvalidation.Whenyoumasteraccommodatingnonverbals,alltheothertechniqueswillflowmoreeasily. Step1: Makeyouropeningstatementwithyourbodybladedawayasifyouwereabouttowalkaway. Step2:Speakslightlyoveryourshoulder,keepyourchinangleabitlowerandhaveagenuinesmile.Thetypeofsmileyouwouldhaveifsomeonejustdidyou a favor.The reality of this situation is that someone is about to do you afavor.Yourpositivenonthreateningnonverbalswillinducethefavor.

Exercise1:ThirdPartyReference

Challenging: I suggest a technique I like to call the “third partyreference.”Athirdpartyreferenceconversationisonewhereyouhavesoughtanopinionabout somethingother thanyourselfor the individualyouarechattingwith.Whenyouaskanopinionaboutabookinabookstore,anitemonashelfina foodstoreoraheadline in thenewspaperwhilewaiting tocheckout,youwill be chatting about non-threatening neutral topics. The challenge isidentifyingoneandplanningonhowtokeepaconversationgoingonceinitiated. Step1:Ensureyouareutilizingaccommodatingnonverbals. Step2:Identifyanindividualandyourthirdpartyreference. Step3:Whenyouhaveidentifiedboththe individualandthe thirdpartyreference,asktheindividual’sthoughtoropinionofthethirdpartyreference.

Forexample,while inafoodstoreyoucanbelookingin thechipsaisle.Whenanotherindividualisalsolookinginthesectionyoucansimplystate,“I’msorrytobotheryoubutIamonmywayout, I’mlookingtogetsomethingformy______.” I like toadd“mywife” in theblank.Byaddingmywife Idon’tlookasthoughIamtryingto“pickthemup.”

The exercise is simple and straight forward. It will begin to build themusclememoryneededtocontinueonwiththeothertechniques. Advanced:Thisexerciseisabitmorecomplexandverysimilartooneofmystoriesatthebeginningofthebook. Step1:Ensureyouareutilizingaccommodatingnonverbals. Step2:Chooseanappropriate theme that fitsyou,yourpersonality,andsomethingthatyouwilluseonotherexercisesthatyoucanbuildupon.

Forthepurposeofkeepingthethemenatural,non-threatening,aswellasatopicthatallindividualscanrelatetoIsuggest,“Theagewhenchildrenshouldstart working.” This topic is verymuch like the one about dating age in thatindividualshave anopinion andhave experienced it themselves.Formyself, Iam able to use my children and the age that my wife and I both think isappropriate. If you do not have children you can use a conversation about

someoneelse’schildren.Youcanevenreferencethisexerciseinthisbook.Nolies,nosubterfuge,justaconversationwithaplanandpurpose. Step3:Gooutandtryit.

I suggest keeping it easy. I like engaging people that just look to bebrowsingratherthaninarushtogetsomewhere.Ilikelargepublicvenuessuchasalocalbarandgrille,bookstores,coffeehouses,andgrocerystores.Themorecasualanindividualyouselect,thegreatertheengagementpotential.

Exercise2:ArtificialTimeConstraints

Challenging:Thischallengingexercisewillbuilddirectlyupon the first.Establishingartificialtimeconstraints,utilizingaccommodatingnonverbals,andusingathirdpartyreferencewillalltakeplacealmostsimultaneously.Whenyouutilize an artificial time constraint, the individual you are speaking with willappreciatethatthedialoguewillbeshortandheorshewillbemorewillingtoconverse. Step1:Ensureyouareutilizingaccommodatingnonverbals. Step2:Identifyanindividualandyourthirdpartyreference. Step3:Whenyouhaveidentifiedboththe individualandthe thirdpartyreference,asktheindividual’sthoughtoropinionofthethirdpartyreference. Step 4: Establish an artificial time constraint. For example, while in afood store you can be looking in the cookie aisle.When an individual is alsolookinginthesectionyoucansimplystate,“I’msorrytobotheryoubutIamonmywayout, I’m looking toget something formy______.” “But I amonmywayout”istheartificialtimeconstraint. Step5:Gooutandtryit.

Advanced:Trychallengingyourselfwithdifferenttypesofartificialtimeconstraints.

Step1:Ensureyouareutilizingaccommodatingnonverbals. Step2:Chooseanappropriate theme that fitsyou,yourpersonality,andsomethingthatyouwilluseonotherexercisesthatyoucanbuildupon. Step3:Followingyourthemeselectionyounexthavetogooutandtryit. Step4:Otherpossibleartificialtimeconstraintsare:

-Ihavetogoinaminute,my_____iswaiting.

-I’mlatefor_____,mayIaskyouropinionaboutsomething.

- I have to get back tomy_____,may I ask your opinion aboutsomething.

Exercise3:SlowerRateofSpeech

Challenging: This challenging exercisewill build directly upon the firsttwoexercisesbyensuringthatyoudon’tsoundlikeyouareoverselling. Step1:Ensureyouareutilizingaccommodatingnonverbals. Step2:Chooseanappropriate theme that fitsyou,yourpersonality,andsomethingthatyouwilluseonotherexercisesthatyoucanbuildupon. Step3:Addanartificialtimeconstraint.

Step4:Addaslowerrateofspeech.Simplyensurethatyouarespeakingalittleslowerandmakingeyecontact.Byspeakingsloweryouwillalsobemorefocusedandrelaxedaboutthewordsthatyouaresaying.Whenyouslowdownyoualsohave theability to listen to the responsesbetter.This added listeningbenefitwillpaydividendsinfuturetechniquesandexercises. Step5:Gooutandtryit.

Exercise4:SympathyorAssistanceTheme

Challenging: This challenging exercisewill build directly upon the firstthreeexercisesbyaddingasympathyandassistancetheme. Step1:Ensureyouareutilizingaccommodatingnonverbals. Step2:Chooseanappropriate theme that fitsyou,yourpersonality,andsomethingthatyouwilluseonotherexercisesthatyoucanbuildupon. Step3:Addanartificialtimeconstraint. Step4:Addaslowerrateofspeech. Step 5: Add a Sympathy or Assistance Theme. During the initialengagement and thirdparty referencequestion,modify thequestion to includesympathyorassistance.Forexample:“I’msorrytobotheryoubutIamonmywayout.Iwashopingyoucouldhelpme.I’mlookingtogetsomethingspecialformy______. Step6:Gooutandtryit.

Agreatexampleofthesympathyorassistancethemeinactiongoesbacktosomeofmyearlierexamples.Whenmyfriendwasinterestedinobtainingaphotograph of the knee-high boots from the young lady at the coffee-housecounter,Iutilizedallofthetechniqueswehavediscussedsofar.Ifirststartedbyensuring that I established an artificial time constraint by letting her knowverballyIonlyhadasecondandhadtogetbacktomyfriend.WhenImademyinitial statements I checked myself to ensure that I had accommodatingnonverbals.Imadesurethatmychinwasangleddown,thatIhadaslightheadtiltandsmile.IangledmybodysothatIwastalkingslightlyovermyshouldertoher.IknewexactlywhatIwantedtosay,butImadesureIdidnotsayittooquickly.Iusedaslowerrateofspeechsoasnottoseem“threatening”andthatshecouldclearlyunderstandme.Whenindividualsarenot initiallyclearaboutwhyyouarechattingwiththem,theymayquicklydisengagebecausetheymayperceivea threat.Thenextcritical techniquewascarriedoutwhen Iasked forherhelpwiththefactthatmyfriendwasinterestedinpurchasingthesamebootsforhiswife.Theyoungladywasmorethanhappytoassistandhelpme.

Exercise5:EgoSuspension

Ihavefoundthatsuspendingtheegoisprobablythesinglehardest thinganindividualcancontinuouslyexercisethroughouthisorherlifetime.Itisalsothesinglemosteffectivetoolfordevelopingrapport,havinggreatconversations,anddevelopingmeaningful relationships.Suspendingyouregomeans thatyouareputtinganother’sneeds,wants,andopinionsaheadofyours. Challenge1:Thisexercisediffersslightlythantheothersbecauseitisaninfusionoftheskillthroughoutnotjustyourexercisesbuteveryminuteofyourdailylife. Step 1: Approach someone that you already know. A greater challengewouldbetoapproachastranger. Step2:Identifyatopicthatyouandafrienddisagreeupon.Thiscanrangefrompoliticstochildrearing,toApplevs.Windowsoperatingsystems. Step 3: Ask what the individual thinks about the topic, knowing it isdifferentthanyours.Then,donotcorrectthem. Step4:Encouragethemtoelaborateandexplaintheirreasoning.Nodyourheadandacknowledgethatthoseareinterestingpoints.

Doingthesefewsimpleegosuspendingtaskswillenablepeopletofeelmuchmore comfortable aroundyoubecause at thevery least, it is anon-confrontationaldialogue.

Challenge2:“It’sNotAllAboutMe.”

Thisexerciseistheeasiesttodescribebutthehardesttoconduct. Step1:Youhavetobeverypatienttowaitforasituationwhereyouarechallengedonyourthoughtsoropinions. Step2:Lettheotherpersonknowthattheyarecorrect,andnotarguewiththem.

Theeasiest example I have ismy road rage situationdescribedearlier. Ithought Iwas correct, or at leasthadanexplanation formyactions. It isverydifficulttosuspendyouregoandnotcorrectsomeone. Step 3: You cannot provide an explanation or justification for youractions. People truly do not care, they justwant to hear you admit theywererightandyouwerewrong. Step4:Eachofourdayshasafewoccasionswherethishappens.Thenexttime you think you are right, suspend your ego and don’t have the need tocorrectothers. Step5:Gooutandtryit.

ExerciseSummary:

These five exercises should give you a great opportunity to go out andpractice theseskillsso thatyoucanfit the techniques toyourownpersonality.Themoreyoupractice thebetter youwill be.Eventually, youwill be treatingindividualsinyourlifeverywellallofthetime.Peoplewillwanttobearoundyouandyouwillnotunderstandwhy.Theywillreturnthegiftsofvalidationthatyouhaveofferedinmanywaysandenrichyourlife.Ultimately,youwillvalueandbevaluedatamuchdeeperlevelbyalltheindividualsyouinteractwithandbuildquickrapportandhavegreatconversations.

Thisexercisepyramidillustratesthebuildingprocess:

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TheAuthor

RobinDreeke is in charge of the FederalBureau of Investigation’s elite

Counterintelligence Behavioral Analysis Program (BAP). Although Robinalways had aspired to become a great leader, he realized fromhis time at theUnited States Naval Academy and in the United States Marine Corps thatleadershipwasmuchmorethanjusttellingpeoplewhattodo:agreatleaderusesinterpersonalskillstoinfluence,ratherthancommand,others.Asacommanderin charge of over 200 recruits and 16 drill instructors at Parris Island, SouthCarolina, Robin learned the fundamentals of leadership and influence. UponenteringserviceintheFBIin1997,RobinwasassignedtotheFBI’sNewYorkfieldofficewherehewastaskedtorecruitspiesandconfidentialhumansourcesin theagency’s efforts to thwart theeffortofour country’s adversaries.Alonghis journey,Robinwas accepted as a field assessor for theBAP and receivedadvanced training and experience in the area of social psychology and thepracticalapplicationofthesciencebehindrelationshipdevelopment.

Robin’sremarkablejourneybeganasa1992graduateoftheUnitedStatesNaval Academy and former U. S. Marine Corps Officer. He has studiedinterpersonalrelationsforthepast23yearsofhisgovernmentservice.Throughobservationsofnonverbalbehavior,useofthePersonalDiscernmentInventory,the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, and his own unique techniques, Robin has

built highly effective tools for all aspects and stages of interpersonalcommunication.Foroverfourteenyears,RobinhasappliedandtaughthistoolsandtechniquesfortheFBIasamemberandNationalProgramManageroftheCounterintelligence Division's elite Behavioral Analysis Program. Robin hascombinedallthesetoolsandtechniquesandcreatedaone-of-a-kindformulaforsuccesswithpeople.

Today,Robinisarecognizedexpert,author,andgiftedlecturerintheartofinterpersonalcommunication.Theseskillsareusedeverydayinleadership,sales,humanresources,andallrelationships,bothbusinessandpersonal. Formoreinformationandfreeresources,pleasevisit: http://www.peopleformula.com