If you are receiving this newsletter for the first time, it is because someone has told us it might be helpful for you. We hope it is. We also invite you to our monthly meetings at Hayes Barton Baptist Church. At these meet-ings you may talk or choose not to say a word. There are no fees or dues. We are sorry you have had to experience the death of a child (or chil-dren) but we are here for you. We, too, are on this journey of grief and extend our hearts and arms to you.

January 2015

Inside this Issue:

Love Gifts 2

Waiting for Hope 3

Waiting for Hope cont’d) Poems

4

Butterflies Unbroken Dreams

5

Making the Journey 6

Making the Journey cont’d) Our Butterflies

7

Some Things I Lost and One I Didn’t The Pit of Grief If Only They Knew

8

Good Grief 9

Gifts of the New Year Phone & E-Mail List

10

Our January Children 11

The Wake County Chapter meets every second and fourth Tuesday of the month at Hayes Barton Baptist Church, 1800 Glenwood Avenue, at the corner of Glenwood Avenue and Whitaker Mill Road at Five Points in Raleigh. Enter from Whitaker Mill Road into Main Entrance of the Fam-ily Life Center which is attached to

and behind the church. Ask direc-tions to TCF meeting room at desk just inside the entrance door.

Tuesday, January 13th — The meeting will start at 7:30 pm.

Tuesday, January 27th — The meeting will start at 7:30 pm.

Attention: Our TCF meetings are now held in Room 224.

Go left past Information Desk and at end of the long hallway turn right. Then half way down this hallway take elevator on the right to 2nd floor. Meeting room is across from the elevator.

If this is your first Newsletter

Our Credo…

We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends.

We reach out to each other with love, with understanding and with hope.

The children we mourn have died at all ages and from many different causes, but our love for them unites us.

Your pain becomes my pain, just as your hope becomes my hope.

We come together from all walks of life, from many different circumstances.

We are a unique family because we represent many races, creeds and relationships. We are young, and we are old.

Some of us are far along in our grief, but others still feel a grief so fresh and so intensely painful that they feel helpless and see

no hope. Some of us have found our faith to be a source of strength while some of us are struggling to find answers. Some

of us are angry, filled with guilt or in deep depression, while others radiate an inner peace.

But whatever pain we bring to this gathering of The Compassionate Friends, it is pain we will share, just as we

share with each other our love for the children who have died. We are all seeking and struggling to build a future for

ourselves, but we are committed to building a future together. We reach out to each other in love to share the pain as well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as

well as the doubts and help each other to grieve as well as to grow. We need not walk alone.

We are The Compassionate Friends. Copyright 2007

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I N M E M O R Y JANUARY LOVE GIFTS

Gifts Given In Loving Memory Of Children

Thomas and Debra Winar In honor and loving memory of our son, Thomas Winar

Gary, Susan and Meredith Yurcak In loving memory of our son and bother Matthew Yurcak

Our Wake County TCF group would like to express our sincere thanks and gratitude to Apex United Methodist Church for the beautiful Candle Lighting Service held there on December 14, 2014. We also want to thank Diane and Chap Haddon for obtaining their church for this event and for all the work they put into organizing this service. We especially thank the volunteers of The Shepherd’s Sunday School Class whose hard work, love and understanding helped to make this service so very special for us. It means a lot to our group to have this meaningful memorial service in memory of our precious children.

If any one out there would like to express their personal thanks to the church or to Chap and Diane’s Sunday School Class, please mail your cards of appreciation to the attention of Pastor Gray Southern and Pastor Jenny Wilson or to the attention of Bill Harper, The Shepherd’s Sunday School Class, Apex United Methodist Church, 100 S. Hughes Street, Apex, NC 27502. I am sure they would appreciate hearing from parents who attended The Candle Light Service about what it meant to them.

We want to thank all the parents who have sent Love Gifts this year. Your Love Gifts provide us with the money to send out our newsletter and to cover all our chapter expenses and are greatly appreciated.

Also, our Wake TCF group would like to thank our leaders Dennis and Ora Riggs and Chap and Diane Haddon for all their hard work this past year. They have done a great job. We thank Dennis’ daughter Sarah Riggs for setting up our own TCF website and keeping it posted all year, Mara Lewis for bereavement letters and contacts with the newly bereaved, Cathy Joostema for keeping our phone service organized, and Gary Yurcak for being our Treasurer. And our many thanks to Cindy Jeffries and Griffin Printing for all their help with the newsletter. Our group continues to exist because of the help all of you have provided.

If you would like to give a Love Gift in remembrance of your child, or if you would like to make a donation to our Wake County Compassionate Friends group, please mail your gift to: Love Gifts—Wake County Chapter, The Compassionate Friends, Inc., P. O. Box 6602, Raleigh, NC 27628-6602.

To make sure your child is listed on our Love Gift page in the correct month, please phone Pattie Griffin at (919) 829-1982 or e-mail me at pattie.grif@gmail.com. If I hear from you before the last 3 days of the month, I can get your Love Gifts listed on time. Please send pictures, articles, poems or memories of your child to be published in our Wake TCF newsletter.

Most people who have had a child, or a sibling, or a grandchild die, feel alone in their grief; many have never met another person walking that same path. This is just another reason that The Compassionate Friends National Confer-ences are so incredible to attend. No one is different. Everyone has lost a child, sibling, or grandchild, and has had their lives turned upside down. Some will be further along in their journey, while others will just be starting. A TCF National Conference gives you the opportunity to open up about your loss, and to learn from others. For all the latest information including regis-tration information and online reservations for the host hotel, the beautiful Hyatt Downtown Dallas, visit www.compassionatefriends.org.

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Waiting for Hope by Bob Baugher, Ph.D.

Hope: what an amazing word. What does it mean? Type hope into Google and you get 562 million hits. Merriam-Webster.com tells us that it is "to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true."

Hope Has Gone You are reading this because someone you love died—your child, your sibling, or your grandchild, and the word hope has gone out of your life. In fact, hope may have become lost in another word that has taken over your life: hopelessness. Does this sound familiar? Your loved one is permanently gone from your life and you are hurting so much you wonder how you can go on. Your life has been changed forever. You see the world differently. Hopelessness has taken over your life. You are a different person living in a different world. Where is the hope? Getting Hope So, how do we get hope? There are only two ways to get something: wait for it to happen or go out and get it yourself. In this article we are going to explore how we wait for hope. In the next issue we'll look at ways to actively find hope. Waiting Why would we wait for something when everyone around us tells us to go and get it? We've all heard the well-meaning phrases that are uttered in an absurd attempt to instill hope into us: "It's time to move on," "He would want you to be happy," "At least you have other things to be thankful for," and so on. Why don't these phrases give us hope? Two reasons: first, in our initial shock and emotional pain we are not ready to look at life with hope when hopelessness is all we feel. Second, hope often comes from the inside. No one can hand it to us, force us, nor entice us to get it. When hope does begin to enter our life, it may begin with a flicker, with a quiet awareness that something has shifted, that somehow the world has again changed, when in fact it is we that have begun to change. How does this happen? Here comes a word that you may not like. A word that I've heard again and again over the years when I have spoken with parents, grandpar-ents and siblings who thought they would never laugh again, that they would always carry the denial, the bit-terness, the anger, the guilt, the sadness deep within them. What is the word? Time. It's What You Do Of course time by itself may not change things. It's what you do with the time while you're waiting for it to pass. And, what do you do with all these crazy thoughts and feelings? You think about them and feel them over and over and over and over again. When a terrible thing happens in our life, our brain must review it, ponder it, analyze it, assess it, feel it, and do it again and again until it doesn't need to anymore. Until then, hope waits patiently, looking at its watch wonder-ing, "Hmm, I wonder how long the intense emotions of

grief are going to last until I get my turn?" Someday So, if waiting is one way for hope to arrive, you may be saying, "I'm not 'waiting' for anything, let alone hoping, because I will always feel this way." What I'm going to say next is something I've said to hundreds and hun-dreds of bereaved people over the years: Even though you may not believe it right now, at some point in the future you will not feel this bad. You won't. This may be hard for you to believe right now. Brain research has revealed that our brain is wired in such a way that, during times in our lives when we experience a highly negative (or even positive) event, we have a difficult time believing that we will ever feel much dif-ferent. However, somewhere in the months and years following a death, was your hope that the nightmare wasn't true replaced with the hope that your own life would end and you would join your loved one? If so, you are not alone in this feeling. In the depths of their grief many people feel this way. Eventually this hope may transform into hoping that somehow you would stop hurting this bad, and stop feeling so alone, so empty, so lost. However, even during these confusing times you may have had brief glimpses of hope. See if any look familiar: 1. Hope during those times you discover you are not in as much pain In all your weeks and months of unrelenting grief have you ever gotten to a point where you felt the pain let up just a little? That is, were there moments in your day where things "weren't so bad?" In looking back on their early grief, many people report that these mo-ments were the beginning of hope. 2. Hope for a future event Have you found yourself looking forward to a gradua-tion, a wedding, a vacation, a holiday, a sports event, a movie, a play, or a family get-together? In the past you may have found yourself dreading these upcoming events because your loved one would not be there. Now, intermixed with those feelings is the hope that you can still enjoy the moment. 3. Hope as you come to realize that you will never forget this wonderful person As time has gone by, your feelings of concern that memories of your loved one will fade into nothingness have been replaced with the realization that, despite the fact that time continues to move forward, your child, sibling or grandchild will always be a part of you and that you have found ways to carry their memory with you. 4. Hope as you discover that it is okay to laugh again, to love again, and to live your life Do you remember the first time you laughed after your loved one died? For many people, such a moment elic-its pangs of shock and guilt. How could a mother or father ever laugh again? How could a brother or sister find themselves enjoying a moment of time when their sibling is dead? How could a grandparent be enjoying one grandchild when another is missing? When you be-gin to realize that it is okay to laugh and love again, hope has begun to return.

(Continued on next page)

4

I know not if there'll come a day When I'll wake to not feel this way The empty ache...the sudden fear Reminds me you're no longer here

But in my dreams you still abide As in days before these tears I've cried

Laughing, smiling...nary a care I live in hope, but without a prayer

My friends tell me to 'just believe' Then I won't feel the need to grieve

But that sounds much like 'letting go' And so my response is always "no"

At times I think they may be right That grief is a foe that I must fight

Is winning truly mine to choose Or what's left, when nothing's left to lose

I see myself in some abyss A void to fill with the YOU I miss

I can't be sure what happens now All I know is this solemn vow

I'll take you with me where e'er I go To heights of dreams or in grief so low

For now I can only hope to heal The pain I feel is all too real

Maybe somehow you'll be my guide To live my life on the softer side Beyond the torment of your loss And lift the burden of this cross

For in you lies the chance to smile If only for a little while

Your mem'ries are my Joy to keep And not just dreams for when I sleep

By Pat Thibault

A New Year is a time for looking ahead and not behind. A time for faith and not despair. A time for long great gulps of hopeful expectation. Drink deeply friend, so that fortified with the prom-ises it brings, this New Year will keep you near fresh springs of healing love, where you may come to weave old and loving memories with new understand-ings and acceptance — And find peace.

by Shirley Ottrnan

Just Those Few Weeks

For those few weeks I had you to myself.

And that seems too short a time To be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks, I came to know you...

And to love you. You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you! Just those few weeks—

When I lost you, I lost a lifetime of hopes,

Plans, dreams, and aspirations... A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks— It wasn't enough time to convince others

How special and important you were. How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

And no one is mourning the passing. Just a mere few weeks—

And no "normal" person would cry all night Over a tiny, unfinished baby,

Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I? You were just those few weeks my little one. You darted in and out of my life too quickly. But it seems that's all the time you needed

To make my life so much richer And give me a small glimpse of eternity.

by Susan Erling

Waiting for Hope (Continued from page 3)

If I Could Just See Hope Hope is an amazing word, but sometimes it seems so far away. These four examples of hope tell us that, even though you don't believe it or feel it at this mo-ment, hope will come. You may have heard the amazing Darcie Sims speak at a conference or perhaps read one of her books. Dear Darcie died on February 27, 2014. Fortunately her words of wisdom live on. One of Darcie's books is enti-tled If I Could Just See Hope. In it she speaks of hope in her own eloquent way: We are always in search of hope, in search of that magical moment when we remember first that our loved one lived. Hope isn't a place or a thing. Hope is not the absence of pain or fear or sadness. Hope is the possibil-ity of renewed joy...it's the memory of love given and received. Hope is here, within the magic and the memo-ries of your heart. Thank you, Darcie. I couldn't have said it better.

Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone Autumn/Winter 2014

5

Unbroken Dreams I grew up believing in dreams. As a child, my dream was to someday have children. I remember looking into the night sky and believing angels were watching over my unborn babies until it was time for them to become a part of my life. Years later, when I first learned I was going to have a baby, I wanted to stop strangers on the street and tell them. I was absolutely filled with love. I was in disbelief when months later my baby boy died soon after his birth. I felt the first crack in my dream, and thought my twenty-five-year-old heart would break. The love which had filled my heart so completely had suddenly turned into emptiness, and I was touched with the reality that life is too brief and fragile. My second little boy was born the next year, also pre-maturely, and like his brother before him, he lived only a short time. It was a different place, a different time, but the same deep heartache and darkness returned to my world. A part of me had died with each of these ba-bies, and there were no words to explain how I felt. I kept my heart closed, my feelings unshared, and my silent hurt buried deep inside. I had not yet learned that from every loss there is something gained. Living through the loss of a child can lead us to a deeper knowledge of life's gifts, and a kind of strength we never knew we had. The time came when I could no longer dwell on questions which had no answers, and I searched for insight and a rite of pas-sage to change my focus toward positive memories and feelings. My healing began when I realized I could not have felt this sadness about losing my babies unless I had first been blessed with the joy of loving and want-ing them. The real emptiness in my heart would have been never having had them at all. As I worked through my grief, I was beginning to learn some of life's lessons. The pain of losing someone we love, especially a child, never really leaves us, for it is a part of our lives that will always be unfinished and un-explained. It's never easy to accept the unfairness of life, and yet it touches us all. And sometimes, only be-cause life has touched us in this way, do we become more aware of its wonder and the pure blessing life gives us. I came to understand that each time I had allowed my-self to love, it meant taking a risk. And each time I had reached for a dream also meant taking a risk. I knew the only way I could live life fully was to let go of the emptiness and become unafraid to risk again. I prom-ised myself that I would let love back into my heart, for

it is much too precious a gift to waste, and my days and nights too precious to be covered with sadness. I began to cherish life even more. My third baby son was born the next year, and two years later my baby daughter. Both again premature, but thanks to God, a wonderfully dedicated pediatrician, and advanced medical technology, they survived. Their hospital stays were long and filled with frightening mo-ments, but in spite of the odds that faced them, they clung tightly to life. Months later when they came home, I slowly found I was mending my broken dreams with the love I was giving to them. And I was beginning a new dream. Many years have passed, yet the thought of unfairness still comes, and I still feel my tears when I think of my first two babies, or when I hear of precious children be-ing abused and neglected. This is when I remember the lessons I have learned, and, instead of dwelling on loss, I strive to embrace the hope I know is real. I now give my love and support to organizations that dedicate themselves to the lives of children and to meeting their broken dreams. Giving of myself is the only way I can ever give back the blessings life has given me. We all have something to give, and it is through this act of giving and risking to love again, that we ultimately find a way to heal. Often we uncover sacred gifts of our own just by listening to others who are hurting, or by holding someone's hand and letting them know we care. Each of us have a story, and each of us feels alone with our heartache. Yet we are never truly alone when we let ourselves be unafraid to share our feelings, and to give what is in our hearts. Sharing connects us and makes us realize how much people need one an-other in this world. I still look up into the night sky sometimes and think about those two little boys that were with me for such a short while. And sometimes I find myself wondering what they would be like today if they could have grown up with their brother and sister. Then I remember that although they are with the angels, in some wonderful way they are still with me—because love never dies. It is the strength we carry with us forever. The purest wonder in life is found in the sharing of love. And the real gift is to have known love at all. Blessed are we who have held the gift in our hands.

-By Flavia Weeden (Reprinted with permission to TCF www.flavia.com)

BUTTERFLIES

You were ours but for awhile As slowly you emerged from your cocoons,

Nurtured by our love, But gone from us too soon.

We held you gently in our hands And watched you test your fragile wings

So beautiful to see. Then God called softly from above

“Now let them go, for butterflies are free.”

Priscilla D. Kenney, TCF, No. Reading, MA

5

6

Jon Shamres still chokes up when he talks about his little sister Gabrielle. "Gabi" as he fondly refers to her was the little girl with the big personality. Gabi's beau-tiful smile, sense of humor, love of dance and ability to throw a football like one of the boys conjures up memories that still resonate after 44 years.

Jon was the oldest of the three children Arnold and Paula Shamres were raising in the northern part of Mi-ami in Dade County, Florida. The Shamres seemed like the all-American family, tight-knit, loving and happy. It was the early afternoon of October 8th, 1970, when Jon said "everything changed, I was attending law school in New York, my younger brother Seth was away studying at MIT, my dad was at work as a print-ing executive, and my mom and 9 year-old sister Gabi were running errands."

Nobody knows exactly how it happened. Paula Shamres was driving across railroad tracks with no protective guard when a fast moving train collided with her car, killing Gabi and seriously injuring Paula. The chain of events that followed are still much of a blur to Jon. "My father's boss contacted me and told me there was an accident involving my mom and Gabi. He in-structed me to go to the airport where a plane ticket was waiting and that I needed to come home immedi-ately."

"In 1970 there was very little information to help those grieving understand the devastation the death of a child has on a family," Jon recalls. In the beginning he remembers kindness and support from family and friends at the funeral and for a while thereafter, but soon the rest of the world went back to life as normal while Arnold and Paula suffered in silence. Paula Sham-res became a shell of herself according to Jon. "Both of my parents were suffering with anguish and great pain, but my mom was also struggling with tremendous guilt and regret, feeling responsible for Gabi's death."

Grief wasn't something Jon was prepared to deal with. He and his brother Seth did what was expected of them and went back to school and poured themselves into their studies. The Shamres family, once a postcard picture of togetherness, were now walking a dark and lonely path individually with very little support or guid-ance.

Jon recalls very clearly hearing about the day in May of 1971 when his father read an article in Time Maga-zine. It was about a young Anglican priest working as an assistant chaplain at a hospital in Coventry, Eng-land, who had founded an organization called The Soci-

ety of The Compassionate Friends. The article told the story of Simon Stephens, who was newly ordained and very confident, yet realized that he was not prepared to help parents whose children had died.

The article chronicled how Reverend Stephens dis-covered the way he could best help grieving parents was to let them help each other. It was truly a twist of fate that led Simon Stephens to this discovery. He was comforting Joe and Iris Lawley whose 11-year old son Kenneth was killed in a bicycle accident at the same time he was offering prayers and support to Bill and Joan Henderson whose son Billy lay dying from cancer in a nearby hospital room.

The two families got to know each other and soon formed a bond and found that by talking together they had found a place of comfort where they were free to express their feelings with someone who truly under-stood their pain. Simon Stephens later explained "I ob-served these two couples for 6 months when I realized that talking together and supporting each other was more effective than anything I or anyone else could do for them." In January of 1969 the concept of The Soci-ety of The Compassionate Friends was born and began helping families in England.

"My parents knew instantly after reading the Time Magazine article that they had to contact this man Simon Stephens and learn more about his grief support organization," Jon Shamres says. "My dad and mom began communicating regularly with Simon Stephens for nearly a year, and they began making plans for Stephens to travel to South Florida to help bring The Compassionate Friends to The United States."

Arnold and Paula Shamres were always a great team. Arnold was the level headed business type who could keep a project on task. Paula was full of energy and the "people person" who could dream big. The news of Simon Stephens coming to the Shamres home to help them form the first chapter of TCF seemed to put a spark back into both Paula and Arnold. "My mom and dad seemed to have found a purpose again and the thought of helping others whose children had died became their motivation for moving forward," said Jon.

On October 12th, 1972, with the help of Simon Stephens, Arnold and Paula Shamres held the first meeting of The Society of The Compassionate Friends on U.S. soil. Jon Shamres attended that first meeting in the recreation room of a Jewish Synagogue in north Dade County and recalls "approximately 30 people filled the room, each sharing their story, I could tell instantly that those who attended were so grateful for

Reverend Simon Stephens and Arnold Shamres

by Alan Pedersen

7

Our Butterflies We are weary caterpillars awash on life's tide. Little do we realize there's a butterfly inside.

Our feet solidly on the ground, the earth it holds our eye. It's hard to imagine that one day we will fly.

While we mourn our children's loss they fly freely up above. Floating free and peacefully on breezes of God's love.

Their wings an iridescent glow, their bodies are pure light. And somewhere choirs of angels sang the moment they took flight.

They live in joy and happiness and peace we cannot know. We can only bide our time and await our time to go.

But one day we will join them and together we will fly. Then we will have forgotten we ever said goodbye.

By Marilyn Futrell, the Heart of FL TCF Chapter

Making the Journey (Continued from page 6) the opportunity to begin sharing their grief with others who understood their pain."

The news media was very instrumental in the early growth of TCF and coverage of Simon Stephens' trav-els to the United States was featured on The Today Show on NBC. Between 1972 and 1977, Arnold and Paula Shamres worked tirelessly with Simon Stephens to help other bereaved parents start 40 branches of The Society of The Compassionate Friends, based mainly in Florida and in the Midwest. Arnold Shamres founded a national office in Hialeah, Florida to help coordinate the work of the individual branches of The Society of The Compassionate Friends.

The Reverend Simon Stephens says of the early work done by the Shamres, "Arnold and Paula Shamres kindled the TCF flame, which now burns brightly in every state of the union. They were truly the pioneers whose vi-sion persevered against the odds of a society not ready or willing to acknowledge the agonizing pain experienced by bereaved parents."

When it comes to the early beginnings of TCF in the United States, it would have been easy to say in 1977 "and the rest is history." But, in April of 1978 Simon Stephens called together repre-sentatives from all 40 independent U.S. branches of the Society of The Compassionate Friends to a meet-ing in Hinsdale, Illinois. 240 representatives attended and under his guidance decided to form a national or-ganization as an umbrella to serve and support all TCF chapters.

Arnold and Paula Shamres continued to be key leaders as TCF grew from 40 independent branches into a national organization with hundreds of chapters. The Phil Donahue Show aired two episodes in 1978, featuring author Harriett Schiff on the subject of TCF and bereaved parents. The TCF telephone number was displayed on the screen during the shows and hun-dreds of calls poured in from those wanting to start a chapter or attend meetings.

Arnold Shamres died of a brain tumor in February of 1979 at the age of 64. Paula Shamres died 4 years later from cancer in December of 1983, she was 61. Simon Stephens says "these two beautiful souls died too young, but they left so much behind and continue to give to others because of their tireless work and effort to launch TCF in the United States."

In 1982, Paula Shamres was a contributing author of the book What Helped Me When My Loved One Died by the Rabbi Earl Grollman. In the book she tells her story of loss but also her journey toward hope. In an excerpt Paula writes, "for Arnold and me, our reward has been in helping others to live and love themselves

and love life again enough to go on despite what they have experienced. Through our own experience we have learned that with love and caring there is no death when we continue to participate in life in loving memory of our beloved children." Jon Shamres is now a retired lawyer and lives in the house where his parents last re-sided. When asked about all of the accomplishments his parents made to TCF, he sums it up this way, "I

watched my mother and father find a measure of heal-ing and meaning once again because the work they were doing became a foundation from which they could rebuild their lives after Gabi's death. My parents survived and thrived once again, because they could continue to honor Gabi's life by living theirs."

TCF has many heroes without whose efforts our organization may have faltered. Arnold and Paula Shamres are two of our pioneering heroes. Without their initial efforts, TCF may have never grown into the incredible organization it is today. Jon Shamres is proud of his parents and honored to talk about his sis-ter, the little girl with the big personality whose life was beautiful and whose death inspired over 40 years of help and healing for hundreds of thousands of griev-ing families.

Arnold and Paula Shamres with their three children, Jon, Seth, and Gabi

Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone Autumn/Winter 2014

8

The Pit of Grief The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing she is gone forever. The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair; it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to think. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were. Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all...in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite some time. Yet, in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday. Not all of my pre-grief friends gathered at the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly, they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes. Then there are the casual ac-quaintances (or maybe even family members), you know, the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really don't want to know. These people are the people who sighed in relief that it was my child who died and not theirs. You know the "better you, not me" attitude. My post-grief friends are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit of grief. They have no way of comparing the pit climber to the pre-grief person I once was. You see, they started at the bottom of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need strength. They have no expectations, no memories, and no recol-lections of how I "should" be. They want me to heal, to smile more often and find joy in life. But they've also accepted the person I've become: the "Person" who is emerging from the pit.

Cindy Early, November 1999 From the "old" web page MISS

(Mothers in Sympathy and Support)

If Only They Knew If only they knew that when I speak of him, I am not being morbid. I am not denying his death. I am proclaiming his life. I am learning to live with his absence. For twenty-six years he was a part of my life—born, nurtured, molded and loved—this cannot be put aside to please those who are uncomfortable with my grief.

If only they knew that when I sit quietly, apparently content with my own company, I am not self indul-gently unhappy, dwelling on things which cannot be changed; I am with him. I am seeing his face, hear-ing his voice, remembering his laughter, recalling his excitement and joy in life. Please allow me this time with him, as I do not begrudge you your time with your children.

If only they knew that when I sometimes weep qui-etly, I do not cry in self-pity for what I have lost. I weep for what he has lost, for the life he loved, for the music which filled his very being, and for all he still longed to hear, for the poetry which moved him to tears, for the beauty about him that daily fed his soul, for the exhilaration and excitement of flying the skies, of searching for his God in the vast space of the universe. For all that he loved and lost, I cry.

If only they knew the feeling of deep grief, the emptiness, the dull pain, the endlessness of death. If only they understood the insanity of the plati-tudes so freely spoken—that "time heals," that "you'll get over it," that "it was for the best," that "God takes only the best,"—and realize that these are more an insult than a comfort, that the warm and compassionate touch of another means so much more.

If only they knew that we will not find true peace and tranquility until we are prepared to try to stand in the shoes of others. We will not be understood until we learn to understand compassionately, and we will not be heard until we learn to listen with hearts as well as minds.

by Jan McNess TCF Victoria, Austria

SOME THINGS I LOST AND ONE I DIDN'T: When my son died I lost many things. I lost the pleasure of his company, the joy of watching him grow up, and the hope of enjoying his companionship in the future. I lost heart for a while, but I didn't lose my son. He died. I don't like to hear or read sentences such as, "She lost her child", when what is meant is that the child died. Someone who loses things is careless and no parent is so careless as to lose a child. To be told that we "lost" our children makes us sound as if we were in some way responsible, just as we are re-sponsible when we lose our glasses, our pocketbooks, or even our tempers. I suspect that when we hear that we "lost" our children and when we say "I lost my child" we might feel a little guilty, as if we did something, or failed to do something, to cause the loss. We don't need to feel guilty. I know that I have lost a lot but I always say that my son died, because that is, in fact, what happened. Claire Hopley TCF, Amherst, MA

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Friends may think we have forgotten… When at times they see us smile Little do they know the heartache… That our smile hides all the while

Beautiful memories are wonderful things… They last till the longest day They never wear out… They never get lost… And can never be given away

To some you may be forgotten… To others a part of the past... But to those who loved and lost you...

Your memory will always last. ~

~ Author Unknown ~

Charlie Brown, the character from the iconic cartoon strip, Peanuts, was famous for his expression of "GOOD GRIEF!" He would exclaim "good grief" every time he was frustrated or something terrible happened to him. Lucy, his nemesis, always took away the foot-ball as he tried to kick it or gave him "advice" for 5 cents or unduly criticized him. Poor Charlie Brown. We all identified with him. I started wondering what the expression "good grief" really means. Historically, it has been a term said emphatically when a surprise or problem was encountered. It is also a euphemism for when one doesn't want to use the word "god". How-ever, it is an expression that surely takes on a new meaning for grieving parents. How can there be anything good about grief? Certainly there is nothing good about the event that has caused the death of your child and for you to feel the new and profound feelings of grief. But perhaps there are points to be made about good grief. Perhaps there are things to remember as we travel this new path of physical, mental and emotional pain. There are many books and articles that currently have the words "good grief" in them. Through my readings, observations and just life experience, I have adopted some of the points of what could be called "good grief." I hold these beliefs but struggle with them as well: Good grief is acknowledged. It is beneficial to cognize and verbalize the unprecedented feelings of anguish and fear, pain, and disorientation that you feel. The more clearly you see what consumes you, the more easily you will understand it and process it. There is a Turkish proverb that says, "he that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it." Good grief is supported by family and friends. Sur-round yourself with the family and friends who are close to you and try to understand the experience that you are going through. It is important to be supported by nonjudgmental people. You don't need the advice

of people who have not lost a child. William Shake-speare wrote, "Every one can master a grief but he that has it." Good grief is expressed grief. It is helpful to express your overwhelming feelings through talk, poems, writ-ten thoughts, art work, blogs, websites and support groups. As the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, "There is no grief like the grief that does not speak." Good grief is shared grief. Sharing your grief experi-ence with others who have gone before you on the path of grief or who come behind you is very healing. You have an opportunity to express your grief, share your memories of your child, and help others. Grief can be lonely. Sharing the burden of grief with others is healing. Good grief is taking care of you. In the wake of the death of a child, it is easy to forget to care for our-selves. Sleeplessness and anxiety can cause many more health issues. Eating appropriately and exercis-ing are very beneficial to relieving anxiety, stress and sleeplessness. Good grief is remembrance and celebration. Your child is gone but their memory is a treasure locked in your heart and in your mind. At first painful, it will be heal-ing to publicly acknowledge the loss of your child and celebrate the fact that they lived and were a part of your life. Remembrances are done in hundreds of ways—lighting candles, releasing balloons, visiting the cemetery, starting scholarships, prayers, planting trees, establishing playgrounds, donating books, cre-ating gardens, and the list goes on. It needs to be what feels right for you and your family and the child that is now gone. Grieving for your child is a lifelong process with many hills and valleys and stops and starts. Eventually, and not necessarily at one time, the realization will come that you need to move forward from the event of your child's death. Your child would-n't want you to be forever set in that sad and horrible period of time. Your grief process is about acceptance and adjust-ment—not closure. By keeping some of the above points regarding good grief in mind, you will slowly and gently move toward your new life without your beloved child at your side but in your heart. Your child will always be with you and you will always be the lov-ing parent.

by Toni Nesheim, TCF Chapter Leader Northern Lake County, IL Chapter

GOOD

GRIEF!

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GIFTS OF THE NEW YEAR: Faith: That, in spite of the pain of today, I can and will learn to go on, one step at a time, one day at a time, learning to once again truly enjoy the little (and bigger) things that come my way. Patience: When I'm having a bad day, when I seem to take two steps backward and only one forward in learning to cope with the death of my child. Laughter: Which someone said is the best medicine. I believe laughter is a positive source of healing. When I feel good laughing at some silly little thing that comes along, I know another little part of me has healed. Time: If nothing else, the new year offers the gift of time—time to heal, to learn to cope, to put some wholeness back into lives that seem hopelessly broken. Won’t you join me in opening these gifts? You see, they aren’t just mine to receive; they are gifts to be shared by all. You need only reach out and accept them. Each of these gifts can help us go on with our lives. May the new year bring you all of these gifts and many blessings, but most especially, may you receive the gift of peace.

by Audry Cain

Betsy Allen, 18 year old daughter, fire suffocation .................... kiddiekottage@gmail.com ............... 919-981-0767 Kati Bourque, 2 day old daughter, diaphragmatic hernia ............ frogsducksanddoc@hotmail.com ...... 919-637-9544

and 38 yr old brother, heart attack ................. frogsducksanddoc@hotmail.com ...... 919-637-9544 Debbie & Steve Brady, 31 year old son, prescription drugs ........ bizmen@aol.com ........................... 919-441-0967 Kathleen Breland, 17 year old son, suicide ............................... ksabreland@gmail.com ................... 919-463-9409 Mechelle Champion, 1 month old son, congenital heart failure .... mchampion91@aol.com .................. 919-753-7511 Mary Lou Clarkson, 21 year old son, leukemia .......................... ................................................... 919-501-7769 Elise Cope, 15 year old son, auto accident ............................... surrid@aol.com ............................. 919-656-5005 Rebecca Creech, 14 day old daughter, heart defect ................... leonaselena0105@aol.com ............. 919-803-5889 Chris Crosier, 25 year old son, motorcycle accident .................. cc71236@gmail.com ...................... 440-223-1765 Teresa Cyr, 24 year old son, complications from drug overdose .. teresacyr@gmail.com ..................... 919-215-2641 Kimberly Edens, 16 year old daughter, auto accident ................ kedens1015@gmail.com ................. 919-971-6975 LaTonya Ellis, 18 year old daughter, sickle cell anemia .............. latonya.s.ellis@gmail.com ............... 919-706-2348 Susan Gray, 27 year old daughter, auto accident ...................... scmusic62@gmail.com ................... 919-757-1664 Mary Chris Griffin, 44 year old son, heart disease ..................... mcgriffin48@gmail.com .................. 919-552-4440 Diane Haddon, 26 year old daughter, metastatic melanoma ....... dkhaddon@nc.rr.com ..................... 919-363-9721 Nan Hamilton, 5 year old daughter, accident ............................ ................................................... 919-605-5557 Diane and Robert Harkness, 47 year old daughter, cancer ......... dharkness.home@gmail.com ........... 919-803-1134 Becky Hart, 16 year old son, auto accident .............................. bhart@rl-law.com Denise Johnson, 18 year old daughter, suicide ......................... kimswhispers78@yahoo.com ........... 919-815-5501 D. Marie Jones, 13 year old son, struck by hit & run driver ......... jones9807@att.net ........................ 919-218-0754 Cathy Joostema, 28 year old son, stroke ................................. joostema2@hotmail.com ................. 919-341-8434 Christi (Cathy’s daughter) 28 year old brother, stroke .......... christif@workplaceoptions.com ........ 919-880-8135 Gloria Jusino, 28 year old son, heart attack ............................. ghjusino3@gmail.com .................... 919-208-7360 Ellen King, infant son ........................................................... divabella2000@yahoo.com .............. 919-740-8799 Debra Lamberis, 25 year old son, drug overdose ...................... coohousdeb@gmail.com ................. 919-693-9922 Mara Lewis, 15 year old son, osteosarcoma ............................. mlewisnc@gmail.com ..................... 919-655-5659 Cindy McLeod, 23 year old son, blunt force trauma ................... cindymcleod1954@att.net ............... 330-926-7771 Sue Mellott, 21 year old son, suicide ....................................... suemellott@yahoo.com ................... Malissa Obonyo, 18 year old son, murder ................................ ann.mitzi@yahoo.com .................... 919-798-2831 Faira Pearce, 3.5 month old son, pneumonia ............................ fairaharris@yahoo.com ................... 919-427-7169 Ora Riggs, 30 year old son, primary brain tumor ...................... orasriggs@gmail.com ..................... 919-274-2769 Cori Rochford, 20 day old son, kidney failure ........................... cori.rochford@gmail.com ................ 919-701-5066 Ron & Cindy Salyer, 21 year old son, motorcycle accident .......... salyer86@hotmail.com ................... 919-868-7542 Angie Selvia, 25 year old daughter, murder ............................. kaiser22006@hotmail.com .............. 910-893-9607 Amber Silvers, stillborn daughter ........................................... silversa0226@gmail.com ................ 919-400-3077 Linda Strother, 15 year old son, colon cancer ........................... ljstrother@yahoo.com .................... 919-294-6842 Barbara Thorp, 40 year old son, flue complications ................... bstaw@aol.com ............................. 919-847-7787 Rita Tolley, 23 year old son, auto accident ............................... ritatolley123@bellsouth.net ............. 919-215-0401 Lisa Tucker, 26 year old daughter, suicide ............................... phototucker@gmail.com ................. 919-938-9651 Nancy Turlington, 19 year old son, car accident ........................ dhtntt@embarqmail.com ................. 919-553-4995 Risa Wolfzahn, 23 year old son, gun shot ................................ risenshine321@gmail.com ............... 984-232-0055

Friends Supporting Friends Telephone and E-Mail Contact List

O U R J A N U A R Y C H I L DR E N

Loved and Always Remembered

Birthday Ian Kirk Son Kevin & Stormie Kirk Timothy Reedy Son Kelly Boutwell Jill Perlette Daughter Maureen & Charles Perlette Kyle Evan Shaw Son Judy & Doug Brunk Eric Metcalf Son Kim Berthiaume Zachary Michael Arata Son Mike & Karen Arata Jerry Hart Son Becky Hart

Daughter Wilson & Ann Williams Daughter Mary Demaree

Lynn Williams Pam Demaree Kristen C. Hunter Daughter Cynthia Hunter Jason Yasser Son Donna Tyson H'Katherine Rcom Daughter Vien Siu & H'Phoa Rcom Gregory William Smith Son Ann Conlon-Smith & Shepherd Smith Eric J. Silver Son Sueanne Silver Myers Larry E Stafford Son Alvah & Rachel Ward Kaitlyn Hassard Daughter Richard & Korey Hassard Karl "KJ" Davis II Son Selina & Karl Davis

Ed & Becky Spence James (Jay) Edmund Spence IV Isabella Hedge Daughter Amber Silvers & James Hedge Kevan Hill Son Beth & Mike Hill Christopher (Chris) Pecoraro Son Anthony & Betty Dodd Pecoraro

David & Nancy Turlington Charles "Chuck" Turlington II Sarah Elizabeth Fogleman Daughter Jan Fogleman Matthew Yurcak Son Gary & Susan Yurcak

Daughter Kimberly Edens Son Jean & Joe Kosturko Son Saundra & J.B. Lemaster Son Kathleen & Mike Mendy Son Terri & Bill Holt Son Cindy Snyder McLeod

Casey Edens David Michael Kosturko Blake Lemaster Michael Mendy Jacob Lee Scott Ryan Snyder Anniversary

Mike Helfant Son Susan & Larry Helfant Reece Michael Melton Son Debbie & Chris Strickland Bryan Jay Newman Son Art & Lois Gelb Hillarie J. Denning Daughter Judy & Buddy Johnson Jarrod Marc Vecchione Son Elizabeth CurryPam Demaree Daughter Mary Demaree Gary Griffin Son Mary Chris Griffin Ayden Champion Son Mechelle & Eric Champion Ann Myers Daughter Gretchen Wrigley Michael Mihalik III Son Jody & Michael Mihalik, Jr Christopher Cyr Son Teresa CyrCarol Stamper Daughter Mark & Lynn Stamper Jake David Breland Jr. Son Kathleen & Jake Breland Timothy McIntyre Son James Bell & Kathryn McIntyre Jill Perlette Daughter Maureen & Charles Perlette Benjamin A. Thorp IV Son Barbara & Andrew Thorp Kyle Kozlowski Son Kimberly & Chris Kozlowski Jason Yasser Son Donna TysonHeidi Lynn Bauer Daughter Mimi & Merle Bauer Isabella Hedge Daughter Amber Silvers & James Hedge Sean Ryan Son Frank & Suzanne Ryan Tony Thompson Son Susan ThompsonKaitlyn Hassard Daughter Richard & Korey Hassard Jerry Hart Son Becky HartDavid Michael Kosturko Son Jean & Joe Kosturko Jamie Lynn McLeod Daughter Brenda M. Warwick Kolin Robbins Grandson Cynthia Kay Moore Lisa Diane Gatlin Daughter Jo Ann & Miller Gatlin

12

Chapter Co-Leaders: Dennis Riggs…919-649-1329 (e-mail: dennisr711@gmail.com)

Chap Haddon...919-363-9721 (e-mail: chaphaddon@gmail.com)

Bereavement Letters: Mara Lewis...919-655-5659 (e-mail: mlewisnc@gmail.com)

Treasurer: Gary Yurcak...919-847-1780 (e-mail: gyurcak@bellsouth.net)

Newsletter Editor

& Membership Info: Pattie Griffin...919-829-1982 (e-mail: pattie.grif@gmail.com)

Website: www.TCFWake.com (e-mail: dennisr711@gmail.com)

Wake TCF Phone Line 919-833-4022

National Office Information: 1000 Jorie Blvd, Suite 140, Oak Brook, IL 60523 Toll-Free: 877-969-0010 / Ph: 630-990-0010 Website: www.compassionatefriends.org Email: nationaloffice@compassionatefriends.org

The Compassionate Friends, Inc. Wake County Chapter PO Box 6602 Raleigh, NC 27628-6602

THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS, INC. Wake County Chapter PO Box 6602 Raleigh, NC 27628-6602

January 2015