Joys and ChallengesJoys and Challenges

Peter De ViersPeter De Viers

• The value of marriage is not that The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that adults produce children but that children produce adultschildren produce adults

JoysJoys

• Teaches us to loveTeaches us to love

• Puts life in perspectivePuts life in perspective

• Great funGreat fun

• Gives us a sense of pride and Gives us a sense of pride and achievementachievement

• Investment in/commitment to the Investment in/commitment to the Society in which we liveSociety in which we live

J.M. BarrieJ.M. Barrie

• The laugh that children are born with The laugh that children are born with lasts just as long as they have lasts just as long as they have perfect faithperfect faith

Loving ChildrenLoving Children

• Loving children comes naturallyLoving children comes naturally

• Value our child for who he/she is: Value our child for who he/she is:

• Avoid conformity and comparisons: Avoid conformity and comparisons:

• Allow our child to express who he/she Allow our child to express who he/she is:. is:.

• Look for and see the best in all our Look for and see the best in all our child does: child does:

Groucho MarxGroucho Marx

• A child of five would understand this. A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of Send somebody to fetch a child of fivefive

Putting life in perspectivePutting life in perspective

• Work / Home balanceWork / Home balance

• Quality time versus quantity timeQuality time versus quantity time

• Balancing the needs of different Balancing the needs of different peoplepeople

• Looking after ourselvesLooking after ourselves

• Valuing the simple thingsValuing the simple things

Muriel SparkMuriel Spark

• Parents learn a lot from their children Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with lifeabout coping with life

Great FunGreat Fun

• Enjoying parentingEnjoying parenting

• Enjoying family lifeEnjoying family life

• Enjoying being a parentEnjoying being a parent

Ogden NashOgden Nash

• Oh what a tangled web do parents Oh what a tangled web do parents weave/ when they think that their weave/ when they think that their children are naïve.children are naïve.

• If called by a panther don’t antherIf called by a panther don’t anther

• You can have my jellyfish/I.m not You can have my jellyfish/I.m not sellyfishsellyfish

• The Lord in His wisdom made the fly / The Lord in His wisdom made the fly / And then forgot to tell us why." And then forgot to tell us why."

Pride and achievement Pride and achievement

• We must respect the other fellow’s We must respect the other fellow’s religion but only in the sense and to religion but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his that his wife is beautiful and his children smartchildren smart

• Its no wonder that people were so Its no wonder that people were so horrible when they started life as horrible when they started life as children (Kingsley Amis)children (Kingsley Amis)

Investment in/commitment to Investment in/commitment to the Society in which we livethe Society in which we live

• The founding fathers in their wisdom The founding fathers in their wisdom decided that children were an decided that children were an unnatural strain on parents. So they unnatural strain on parents. So they provided jails called schools, equipped provided jails called schools, equipped with tortures called education. School with tortures called education. School is where you go between when your is where you go between when your parents can’t take you and industry parents can’t take you and industry can’t take you (John Updike)can’t take you (John Updike)

ChallengesChallenges

• Unhealthy Unhealthy parenting belief parenting belief systemssystems

• Physical, Physical, psychological psychological emotional emotional problems problems

• Our child’s Our child’s physical, physical, psychological , psychological , emotional emotional problemsproblems

• Breakdown in the Breakdown in the relationship relationship

Peter De VriesPeter De Vries

• There are times when parenthood There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites youmouth that bites you

Unhealthy parenting belief Unhealthy parenting belief systemssystems• Detachment or Over-Detachment or Over-

attachment: attachment: • Fear of Failure: Fear of Failure: • Negative views of a child: Negative views of a child: • Inability to Cope: Inability to Cope:

• Feelings of Guilt:Feelings of Guilt:• Why we decided to become a Why we decided to become a

parent: parent: • Our feelings about being a Our feelings about being a

parent: parent: • What we expect from ourselves What we expect from ourselves

as parents: as parents: • Lack of Confidence: Lack of Confidence: • Our belief systems about our Our belief systems about our

child: child: • Our Experiences of being Our Experiences of being

children:children:• Our Experiences of being parentsOur Experiences of being parents• Societal beliefs about childrenSocietal beliefs about children• Lack of knowledge and skills: Lack of knowledge and skills: • Lack of Supports Lack of Supports • Self-Awareness: Self-Awareness:

Physical, psychological, Physical, psychological, emotional problemsemotional problems• Self-Awareness: Self-Awareness: • Self-Esteem:Self-Esteem:• Developing Emotional Intelligence: Developing Emotional Intelligence: • Changing Thinking: Changing Thinking: • Changing Behaviour: Changing Behaviour: • Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to

psychological and emotional problems psychological and emotional problems • I should just “Pull myself together?I should just “Pull myself together?. . • How will I live with the shame?How will I live with the shame? • It is a result of my family background so what can It is a result of my family background so what can

I do about itI do about it: :

Our child’s physical, Our child’s physical, psychological ,emotional psychological ,emotional problemsproblems• Self-Awareness: Self-Awareness: • Self-Esteem:Self-Esteem:• Developing Emotional Intelligence: Developing Emotional Intelligence: • Changing Thinking: Changing Thinking: • Changing Behaviour: Changing Behaviour: • Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to

psychological and emotional problems psychological and emotional problems • They should just “Pull themselves together?They should just “Pull themselves together?. . • How will I live with the shame?How will I live with the shame? • It is a result of their background so what can I do It is a result of their background so what can I do

about itabout it: :

Breakdown in the Breakdown in the relationshiprelationship

• Respect: Respect:

• Good Communication: Good Communication:

• Strong problem-solving skills: Strong problem-solving skills:

• Ability to deal with feelings: Ability to deal with feelings:

• Positive Discipline: Positive Discipline:

• Family Introspection and Awareness: Family Introspection and Awareness:

Is it different for people who Is it different for people who have adopted a childhave adopted a child• LossLoss• RejectionRejection• GriefGrief• IdentityIdentity• IntimacyIntimacy• Mastery/ControlMastery/Control

• Trust v mistrustTrust v mistrust• Autonomy v ShameAutonomy v Shame• Initiative v GuiltInitiative v Guilt• Industry v InferiorityIndustry v Inferiority• Identity v Identity Identity v Identity

DiffusionDiffusion• Intimacy v IsolationIntimacy v Isolation• Generativity v Self Generativity v Self

AbsorptionAbsorption• Integrity v DespairIntegrity v Despair

Irish ResearchIrish Research

• 2008 study 180 children adopted from Romania, 2008 study 180 children adopted from Romania, Russia, China, Vietnam, Ukraine average age of Russia, China, Vietnam, Ukraine average age of adoption 18 monthsadoption 18 months

• ¼ persistent problems hyperactivity, ¼ persistent problems hyperactivity, distractabilitydistractability

• 1 in 10 attachment problems1 in 10 attachment problems• ½ problems immediately after adoption feeding, ½ problems immediately after adoption feeding,

sleeping, sensory problemssleeping, sensory problems• Adopted after 18months , longer time in Adopted after 18months , longer time in

institutions more difficultiesinstitutions more difficulties• Difficulties can be resolved with supportDifficulties can be resolved with support

Reflections to finishReflections to finish

• An aware parent loves all children he or An aware parent loves all children he or she meets and interacts with—for you she meets and interacts with—for you are a caretaker for those moments in are a caretaker for those moments in time. time.

• My father didn't tell me how to live; he My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.lived, and let me watch him do it.

• The character and history of each child The character and history of each child may be a new and poetic experience to may be a new and poetic experience to the parent, if he will let it. the parent, if he will let it.