Keeping the Peace

Managing Students in Conflict Using the

Social Problem-Solving Approach/Excerpt

Carmen Y. Reyes

Digital Edition, License Notes

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Copyright 2012 by Carmen Y. Reyes

Content

What are Conflict Management Skills?

Background

Conflict Resolution 101: Some Basic Principles

The Role of Assertiveness in Solving Social Problems

Assertive Approaches

Teaching Children How To Make an Assertive Request

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model

What is Social Problem-Solving?

Social Problem-Solving 101: Guiding Principles

How To Teach Problem-Solving

Social Problem-Solving Options

The Mediation Frame

The Social Problem-Solving Model

Describing the Conflict

Using the Steps to Problem Solve

Teaching Children to Compromise

The Five-Finger Formula for Young Children

More Guidelines

Staying Away from Power Struggles

What To Do if the Problem is Not Solved

References

About the Author

Connect with The Psycho-Educational Teacher Online

What are Conflict Management Skills?

Most schoolchildren never learned how to handle disagreements and interpersonal

problems in a constructive and positive way. As a result, most students’ way to

deal with problematic situations is by resorting to aggressive behaviors, arguing,

and/or fighting, making the original problem even worse. Students lacking

proficiency in conflict resolution and in solving social problems show more

behavior problems than their more proficient peers do. Just for this reason, one of

the most important things teachers can do to decrease conflict in the classroom is

to give students a tool for resolving their social problems. Just having students

saying “I’m sorry” to each other is not enough, and does not represent a learning

experience for our students. The goal in building conflict resolution skills is to

develop in children the ability to follow a systematic (step-by-step) procedure to

find a solution acceptable to all parties involved in the conflict. Only when all

parties involved in the problem feel treated fairly they can solve the conflict.

Otherwise, what originally started as a minor problem or a minor disagreement can

escalate into a much bigger behavior issue that interferes with both our students’

ability to focus in their learning as well as with our own ability to focus in our

teaching. Conflict management skills give teachers the ability to prevent conflict

from deteriorating into a much serious problem and in resolving the issue in a

peaceful and acceptable way, no matter how serious has already become. With

conflict management skills, teachers can help children bypass their personal

differences to open up to new possibilities. For our students, better conflict

resolution skills also bring:

1. Increased understanding and/or increased awareness of the problem. This

also helps in giving children insight into how they can get what they want or

what they need without undermining what other children want or need.

2. Increased group cohesion. When students resolve classroom conflicts in a

peaceful and fair way, the group cohesion improves, and children’s beliefs in

their ability to work cooperatively strengthen.

3. Increased self-knowledge. The social problem-solving procedure pushes

children to analyze what they want (their goals) more closely, which helps in

understanding those things that matters to children the most.

Background

Generally speaking, a conflict is an expressed disagreement between two or more

individuals. The Iceberg of Conflict is a popular model from the works of

international speaker Charmaine Hammond. According to this model, we can

analyze and manage conflict in three levels. At the top of the iceberg, we get the

narrowest level, or the positions level. This is the level where conflict lives. A

basic principle in conflict resolution is that, for every position there is always an

opposition. In the middle of the iceberg, we find the assumptions level.

Assumptions strengthen conflict; misreading the other person’s intention, most

specifically, finding fault and blaming the other person is a common source of

conflict. Students with emotional and/or behavioral deficits in particular are

particularly inclined to find fault in other people’s intentions. For these children,

any mistake, error, or accident that another child makes turns into an intentional act

that the other child did on purpose and with the sole intention of hurting the anger-

prone child. Once the anger-prone child “reads” and labels the second student’s act

as both intentional and hurtful, the anger-prone child reacts to this negative

perception rather than responding to the actual behavior or the real facts. Because

assumptions feed perceptions and negative perceptions trigger conflict, effective

conflict management requires from the mediator to be checking constantly:

1. What the students in conflict believe about the situation (beliefs)

2. How the students in conflict interpret the facts (perceptions)

3. How the students in conflict feel about what happened (feelings)

Skilled conflict resolution managers know very well that they must avoid making

assumptions in any of these three important domains (beliefs, perceptions, and

feelings). Any information needed in any of these three areas, we can gather it

more efficiently by asking questions and by paraphrasing what children say, never

by assuming or jumping to conclusions. At the bottom of the iceberg, we find the

aspirations level; this is not only the widest level but it is also the level where we

can find common ground between the opposing views, create shared goals, and

problem solve.

Goal making is an important component in the process of solving social problems.

This is so because, in the classroom, most conflicts originate because of students

having conflicting goals or conflicting priorities. Simply put, children lack a

shared goal, which makes the step of creating a goal agreed and shared by all a

very-much needed sub-step in conflict management and resolution.

Conflict Resolution 101: Some Basic Principles

A skilled conflict resolution manager examines the issue from a compassionate

perspective, shows understanding of both sides of the problem, opens doors to

creative problem solving, builds a team attitude, and works on improving

relationships. Some basic principles to understand and manage conflict in the

classroom are:

1. A conflict is more than just having different opinions. In a conflict, one or

both children perceive the situation as a threat. The threat can be real or just

a perception; however, perception is reality, meaning that the threat is

always real for the child. Find threats (what each child fears the most), and

you will identify needs (e.g., one child needs to feel respected; the other

child needs to feel admired). Identify needs, and you can create goals. Create

goals, and you start building solutions.

2. When we ignore it, the conflict strengthens. Because conflicts represent

threats, they are going to stay with children until children face the conflict

and resolve it.

3. The way children perceive the conflict and the way children respond to the

conflict is the same thing. Simply put, children respond to the situation

based on their perceptions of the situation, and these perceptions may be

either factual or distorted from the real facts. This is why is so important to

review the facts objectively with children. In addition, we need to be aware

that children’s perceptions are influenced by their life experiences and

beliefs.

4. Conflicts trigger strong emotions. To handle conflict effectively, teachers

need to be able to manage their own emotions, and others, under stress. The

golden rule for the teacher is to remain calm and in control of our emotions.

A trick of the trade for achieving this is to stand or sit calmly, keeping the

tone of our voice low. It also helps to regulate the rate of our breathing (deep

and slow), our gestures (small hands and arms gestures), and the rate of our

speech (slow).

5. Conflicts are an opportunity for students to grow and to develop social

skills. When children work in cooperation and collaboration to resolve the

conflict they learn to trust each other. With trust, positive and constructive

interpersonal relationships strengthen.

The Role of Assertiveness in Solving Social Problems

Personality conflicts are a second source of conflict in the classroom.

Communication conflicts are next to them, and many times, they intertwine.

Simply put, children have different personalities, different attitudes, and different

communication styles, and sometimes, these different styles collide. In terms of

children’s different personalities, my advice is, make an effort to understand

children’s individual differences and embrace the fact that children are unique

individuals. In terms of children’s communication styles, we can do many different

things. To manage conflict effectively, we first need to understand the three most

common communication styles or communication approaches in dealing with

interpersonal differences or disagreements:

1. Aggressive

2. Passive

3. Assertive

The first style, the aggressive approach, is the most common communication style

in children lacking age-appropriate social skills and/or children with behavior

deficits. Aggressiveness is a kind of verbal behavior that shows disregard to what

other children want and/or need while attempting to get one’s own wants or needs

met. Louder and louder, the aggressive child continues stating what he/she wants

in an attempt to get the other child to give up his/her wants. On the second

communication style, the passive or submissive style, the student fast and easily

sacrifices his/her own wants or needs while allowing the other child to get what

he/she wants or needs. The third style, assertiveness, is by far the most effective

way of resolving interpersonal differences and conflict in and out the classroom.

An assertive child takes into consideration the wants or needs of the other child

while attempting to get his/her own wants/needs met. Assertiveness promotes

positive interpersonal behavior by simultaneously trying to get the child what

he/she wants while considering what other children want and do not want. Taking

into account and respecting both, “what I want” and “what others want” provide

the basis for effective conflict management and conflict resolution. It is important

that we help aggressive students understand that although aggressiveness may get

them what they want fast, because the root of the conflict (unmet goals) has not

been addressed chances are that getting what they want will be short-lived.

Aggressive verbal behavior frequently ends in negative consequences that are

long-term. Passive verbal behavior, on the other hand, may help children stay away

from conflict in the short-term, but the emotional cost in ignoring own needs to

avoid the conflict is too high for any child. In addition, passive verbal behavior is

highly ineffective in sustaining long-term relationships with age-peers that are

healthy and satisfactory. Only the assertive communication style helps children in

getting what they want in a way that is both satisfactory and long-term. For this

reason, we can consider the skill of assertiveness a precursory step in solving the

social problem.

Aggressive students need to understand that they can change the way other people

respond to them (e.g., from resistance to cooperation) by modifying the angry and

hostile messages that they are constantly sending to others. It is imperative that

aggressive students realize that how they say something (e.g., shouting and

cursing) is as important as what they say. Aggressive messages, also known as

you-messages, focus on the other child, attacking the other child verbally and/or

physically. We can say with confidence that an aggressive message is nothing else

than a judgment of the other child’s personality, attacking the other child’s

character. For example:

What is wrong with you?

You never listen!

You are a jerk!

You make me angry.

You are mean to me!

An aggressive message regularly results in the second child counter reacting; that

is, the recipient of the aggressive message gets angry too and may mirror the

hostile behavior. It is important that children in conflict understand that when they

use a “you” or an aggressive message there is a strong probability that they are not

going to get what they want, simply put, aggressive messages do not help in

solving the problem but they contribute in aggravating the problem.

Students proficient in assertive communication can let other children know when

they do not like what the other child said or did , but without hurting anyone’s

feelings, without getting angry, and without provoking a fight. Developing skills in

assertive communication enables aggressive children to communicate what they

want in the most effective way, taking into consideration both own personal rights

as well as the rights of the other child. Assertive messages are self-focused

messages; that is, the assertive message focuses the child on himself or herself, in

particular:

1. How the child feels about the situation

2. The child’s right to feel that way

3. What the child wants or needs from the other child

Self-focused and assertive messages are always delivered in the form of an I-

message that starts with “I feel _____” and ends with “I want_____.” To teach

children to make an assertive request, we can use the following sentence stem:

“When you _____ (problem behavior), I feel ____ (personal reaction or feeling),

and I want _____ (goal).”

Using an assertive frame of reference, we can define conflict as “something out

there that a child wants (or needs) but does not know how to get it.” In

interpersonal conflict, when two children want or need different things, and they

do not know how to satisfy simultaneously what they either want or need, a social

problem is born. Being more specific, we can pinpoint the origins of interpersonal

conflict as opposing wants or opposing needs. This is particularly true when both

children express what they want or need using an equivalent aggressive style, or

when one child coerces and intimidates (the aggressive child) while the second

child gives up fast and caves in (the passive child). In cases like these ones, the

introductory step in managing the conflict is to train both children in how to find a

fair solution to their social problem asking for what each of them wants or needs

using assertive language.

Developing proficiency in assertive language, stated Schaefer in his classic How to

Influence Children: A Handbook of Practical Child Guidance Skills (1994), trains

children in how to:

1. Give an objective description of the problem or the offending behavior. For

example, “You’ve been teasing me a lot…”

2. Express the feeling or personal reaction associated with the offending

behavior; “…and that makes me feel bad.”

3. Make a request for a different behavior. A request focuses in asking the

other child to do something or to act in a particular way. There are two kinds

of requests:

a) A request to stop doing something or a stop request. For example, “I

want you to stop calling me names.”

b) A request to do something different, or a start request. For example, “Try

calling me by my name.”

Regardless of the kind of request, the child making the request is expressing either

something that he/she wants or something that he or she needs. For children in

particular, stop requests are much easier to develop and articulate than start

requests. My suggestion is to have children articulate stop requests while the

teacher develops and helps children articulate start requests.

Schaefer warns that just telling the other child to stop a behavior will not

necessarily make the other child stop that behavior. However, the other child may

be willing to change his behavior if he receives a good suggestion or an alternative

about what to do instead. To make a request for a new behavior the author

proposes that children try one of these four assertive responses:

Description of the Problem Behavior : I was reading this book and you

took it. I did not like when you did that.

Assertive Approaches:

Let us discuss this, or let us talk about this.

Please move somewhere else, or do something else; for example, “Please get

a different book or find something else to do.”

Let us share, or let us read the book together.

Wait now and you will get it later or you will get it later.

Teaching Children How To Make an Assertive Request

Assertive language is all about making requests. When both children agree on the

solution, no conflict exists, but, when children disagree on the solution (conflict),

then, the next thing to do is to make a request for behavior change. In this kind of

request, children take turns in stating what they want in a way that considers what

the other child wants and shows sensitivity toward the feelings of the other child.

Children can accomplish this by saying what they want from the other child using

behavioral language; that is, describing what they expect the other child to do.

When one student is passive and the second child is aggressive (verbally and/or

physically), teach the passive student how to request a change in behavior using

assertive language:

1. Have the passive student make the assertive request telling what he wants

from the aggressive child to stop doing. For example, “I want you to stop

calling me names.”

2. The passive student then tells how the unwanted behavior is making him

feel. For example, “I feel embarrassed when you do that.” Alternatively,

have the passive student suggest an alternative behavior in exchange for

something that he will do in return. The child can use the following sentence

stem, “If you _____, then I _____.” For example, “If you stop calling me

names, I will share my Spiderman’s collection with you.”

Make sure that students understand that an I-message is not simply about being

polite or being nice. Of course, niceness helps, but the assertive message aims at

the bigger role of being clear. I-statements tell the other child “how it is from my

side,” and “how I see it.” When children deliver assertive messages, they are not

trying to force the other child to do things “my way;” they are simply telling the

other child exactly what they want or need from them. I-messages and assertive

language are not the solution to the problem, but they are door openers that start

constructive conversations and begin to heal hurt feelings.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model

Developed by two psychologists, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, this model

for managing conflict follows assertive principles, organizing five conflict

management styles based on two main dimensions: assertiveness and

cooperativeness. According to the proponents of this model, there are five styles in

handling conflict.

1. Accommodating. This style of dealing with conflict parallels the passive

style; on both styles, the child cooperates to such a high degree that she

sacrifices own goals (what the child wants) and needs (e.g., “Whatever you

want to do is fine”). Children who accommodate always put other children’s

needs first, which can lead to frustration and resentment. For this reason, the

accommodating style is not effective in meeting children’s emotional needs.

2. Avoiding. This is another passive behavior. The child simply avoids conflict

by avoiding the issue (e.g., “Forget about it. Is not a big deal”). Although on

the surface, it may look that the more aggressive child got what she wanted,

closer inspection reveals that only short-lived goals are met, with neither

party in the conflict reaching their long-term goals. Most importantly, the

child who avoided the issue gave up her rights to pursue own goals

assertively.

3. Collaborating. We can say that assertive communication starts at this level.

Here, children in conflict pair up to achieve both of their goals. On styles 1-

to-3, conflict was managed within the win-lose paradigm; one child’s victory

is the second child’s defeat. Now, for the first time, children shift their

perception of the problem from adversaries to partners, and, as partners,

they seek for a win-win solution (e.g., “I would like to do it this way; what

would you like?”). The win-win approach relies on changing the conflict

from adversarial attack to cooperation, which is a powerful shift in

interpersonal communication. The collaborative style tries to satisfy the

needs of everybody involved. Developing and/or strengthening a

collaborative problem solving style in children is the most important task for

the conflict resolution manager. The challenge for the conflict manager is to

make it happen.

4. Competing. This is the strongest win-lose style (e.g., “My way or no way”).

While we may see one child acting in a firm and decisive way to achieve

what she wants, the child is not seeking to cooperate and may be violating

the other child’s rights and goals. In most competitive situations, the conflict

turns into a power struggle.

5. Compromising. When children compromise, each child relinquishes

something of what she wants, and both children achieve some, but not all, of

what they originally wanted (e.g., “I’ll meet you half way”). Although on a

compromise each side achieves partial success, the Thomas-Kilmann Model

classifies this style as a lose-lose scenario, because neither side gets exactly

what they wanted. Other authors in assertive communication strongly

advocate that we teach how to compromise to children in conflict.

Particularly when the conflict is complex, it helps to teach children to seek

little wins and small concessions.

What is Social Problem-Solving?

Consistent with our basic definition of interpersonal conflict (conflict happens

when children want something but they do not know how to get it), we can define

social problem-solving as a procedure to help students find out both what they

want and how to get what they want in the most effective way. Since social

problems are a natural and inevitable part of the classroom experience, it is in the

best interest of everybody in the classroom to learn better ways of solving them.

Ineffective social problem-solving strategies create and/or contribute to the

deterioration of interpersonal interactions. On the other hand, effective problem-

solving skills develop positive expectations and strengthen positive interpersonal

interactions.

The problem-solving process is a child guidance technique based on talking.

Process is a key word for a reason; solving a social problem is not something that

we teach in a single step or that we do one time only, and then, we are done with it.

To succeed, we need to focus our daily classroom management on building

positive relationships (both teacher-to-student and student-to-student), and in

finding ways in which students can cooperate. The second key word in the

introductory sentence is talking; on each problem-solving step, we train students in

how to talk out about their disagreements in a positive and assertive way, as

opposed to an aggressive and/or confrontational way. As a starting point, the

teacher helps children reframe the current problem from conflict (the original

perception) to challenge (the new perception). With this new perception, we are

influencing a mental shift in how children interpret the situation, putting children

in the right mental state to create a second shift, this time, from a situation that

feels out of their control to a situation that, although they do not like, they are very

***End of this Excerpt***

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