BLESSED IS THE VAN HORN

Keith Ledger No. 2Cover art by Michael Weigman

Artwork:Donald Dixon: 4, 20, 21 Dan Heskamp: 8, 18Patrick Jenkins: 5, 16, 17Frank Ritenour: 6, 7, 11, 19, 23Michael Weigman: 9, 10, 12, 15, 22

Writing:Dan Beaudet: 2, 3, 12, 13, 14

Design: Steve Weigman

No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or any storage retrieval system without permission from the artists, writers, or publishers except in the context of review.

All contents ©2014 by their respective creators

I miss George W Bush.

The world was a beautiful and wondrous place during his presidency and there were absolutely no problems whatsoever and I mean it.

This whole thing with Russia and Crimea and Putin and shadow armies and separatists would never have happened under his watch.

He would have engaged in a multi-step plan that would have ended the Ukraine-Russia dispute and brought peace and prosperity to all lands for all times (ALL TIMES):

1) He would have sent snakes to Russia to undermine the kinds of stuff that snakes can get into. Think about it: there would be snakes in people’s mailboxes and whatnot, and Ole Putin1 would just have to accept American dominance. They’d go in and they’d do what they’d need to do. Plus, I have all these extra snakes that aren’t really doing anything.

2) GWB would hatch a plan to eat up all the chocolate supply so that Russia wouldn’t get any, thereby causing Twitter storms, which would foment social unrest, which would lead to street protests, then riots, then governmental snipers, then worse riots, then better governmental snipers, then revolution, then civil war, then atrocities committed by the Putin regime against civilians, then atrocities committed by fringe groups associated with the rebellion against civilians, then a cake break, then violent clashes over the fact that there were no chocolate cakes because the good ole U.S. of A had eaten all of the chocolate supply, then the invention of synthetic chocolate by Japanese researchers, then Swiss-led sanctions against Japanese tech companies, then the beloved U.S. government2 would swoop in with the military, blowing up all the bad people and helping

WHAT TO DO ABOUT RUSSIA FROM AN INFORMED PATRIOTIC AMERICAN:

the good ones and fixing everything in general, because, y’know, why not?

3) Bush would eliminate the capital gains tax because JOB CREATORS and 9/11.

4) He would confront the Lizard-People-Who-Run-Everything, and he’d tell them what a sour job they’re doing over this whole nonsense. As everyone knows, Bush is a skilled orator and master debater. Sentient life forms and races from all over the multiverse would travel to Earth for the chance of listening in open-mouthed pleasure at some of the words and phrases that would fall out of our former president’s mouth. And if some pan-dimensional being, ie Glorglroblbinxax of the Lampshade Universe, were to throw a pan-dimensional shoe at Bush, our hero would dodge it like a pro.

5) He would paint pretty pictures of world dignitaries, dogs, and himself in the shower. He could go on stamps.com and print the postage (all by himself!) and send those paintings to the Kremlin. Several of the paintings would portray Putin, possibly shirtless with nipples akimbo3. Who knows? If Vlad is a good boy and doesn’t do any more of that bad stuff, Dubya might even send a couple of signed portraits of Barney, his dead dog (RIP. Never forget.)

1 I actually kind of respect Putin for being tough and shirtless even though he is a

former member of the KGB, an organization that was my sworn enemy for several decades,

but the structures of my brain are not solid enough to process the resulting paradox.2 Who I hate and do not recognize as a governing entity.3 Vladmir Putin is world famous for having odd nips.

I know she’s not real, but I think that Jessica Fletcher from “Murder, She Wrote” might be a serial killer. I remember watching a marathon and suddenly the thought struck me as though I should have known all along. I sat huddled on the couch on a Sunday night with mom and older sister, all of us wearing our soft clothes, all of us eating burned popcorn. The famous theme song came on and my heart secretly swelled to hear the opening notes. I was so excited to see just how smart and charming Angela Lansbury’s character was. It was a time of youth and hope and almighty justice and we all knew that we could count on Lansbury to show us that retribution for evil deeds is swift and complete. The bad guy (or gal) always admits his (or her) wrongdoing and the episode ends with a wide shot of Lansbury smiling or laughing. And yet, beneath the calm exterior, behind the serene emotionless mask that is Lansbury’s face, beyond the concept and ideology of all of that previously-mentioned justice, beyond it all, there was a simmering notion of inner darkness. It was a prickling feeling at the back of the neck that something was wrong. It was like staring at a pit of quicksand and realizing that beneath the serenity of the scene there had sunk countless victims. As I watched the marathon, it dawned on me that Ms. Fletcher had absolutely no reason to be involved with so many murders, unlike other

Notes On Murder,

She Wrote

mystery stories that usually involve a cop or a doctor or a lawyer or any other profession that would bring the investigator into close contact with death. Adrian Monk is a former detective who works as a private investigator. Columbo is a detective and a scowler. Dexter works as a blood splatter pattern analyst for the Miami Metro Police Department (and is a serial killer). Sherlock Holmes is a detective for the London Police department. Walker Texas Ranger is…a Texas Ranger who…walks(?) Etc etc etc.

What does Jessica Fletcher do? She’s a retired English teacher who writes murder mysteries in her free time. She just happens to be at the ski lodge when a womanizing skier is shot with a crossbow during a snow storm. She just happens to be at an upstate New York party when a man wearing a Sherlock Holmes costume is torn to pieces by a shot gun. She just happens to be in the theater when a male ballerina1 is found dead backstage during a performance. Coincidence! Happenstance! Fate! It seems equally as far-fetched to believe that a retired school teacher could be the only person capable of solving these crimes. It is clear to me that Ms. Fletcher committed all of those murders in the late 80s and early 90s, and that she was somehow able to frame the poor souls who confess at the end of each episode. Her schemes were so brilliant and complex that her secondary victims—the confessors— had no option but to orient themselves to the reality that she had created for them. They were so bludgeoned by her line of questioning and fabricated evidence that there was never any course of action but to believe that she was right. Her novels are a way to confess her sins much the way that other criminals leave a calling card at the scene. Raskolnikov returns to the pawnbroker’s apartment after he had hatcheted her forehead (and that of her sweet sister). The Joker leaves a joker card. Tony Soprano goes to his strip club and watches breasts. Jessica Fletcher writes mystery stories for divorcees and office workers2. It is her way of revisiting and glorifying the horrific scenes upon which she sneered. Can you imagine the pleasure that she derives from the knowledge that she has pulled another fast one upon society? It is obscene to dwell on such thoughts. Her infinite arrogance is displayed for all the world to see, and yet we do not suspect her. We simply see a sweet old lady who is so charming that she could only be a psychopath who knows how to manipulate us mere minnows who swim into the deep waters where her teeth will make gore of us.

1 ballerino?2 Divorcees and office workers are not mutually exclusive but it seems right to

separate them in this context for some reason.

If Ms. Fletcher is indeed a serial killer and no one, to my mind, has succeeded in exposing the truth until now, then my own capacity for infinite evil must be called into question. Why I have figured it out and no one else has? Am I as capable of darkness simply because I can comprehend it? Am I doomed to oblivion? Surely not! As the existentialists tell us, it is one’s choice that matters most. I choose not be a human shark. I can be the Batman to Angela Lansbury’s Joker3 . I can be the immovable object to her unstoppable force. I can be the yin to her yang. I can be the anti-Galactus to her…Galactus. All of the years of aimless wandering in a desert of despondency, depression, and solitude now clearly show that I have been set upon a path toward righteousness. Those youthful Friday nights spent in front of the television were not done so in vain. I was training to be the One-Who-Establishes-A-Balance-To-The-Way-Things-Are-And-Should-Be. I learned her patterns and techniques through osmosis so that I might one day defeat her and end the Age of Gore. She destroys and I mend. The poets shall one day sing of our final confrontation in Cabot Cove4. They shall tell of the sweat pouring from my brow as I try to convince Tom Bosley5 of what I know to be the truth. They shall sing of the counter-argument that Ms. Fletcher provides to him that I am, in fact, the killer of all of the 250+ victims on the show. The poets shall proclaim with joy and wonderment when Bosley takes off his hat, looks at the two of us, and says, “Y’know, Jess. I think he might be right.” Fletcher will roar, the sky will darken, and she will dive headlong into the murky waters outside of town until she meets Cthulu who will lose his mind simply from glancing at her. She will return, but so will I. The winds of history blow ever onward and the pendulum swings from right to left until the end of time. I must stay vigilant and prepare the coming generations for her return. Many civilizations will fall to her onslaught and many will rise up in their place. Does humanity stand a chance against Angela Lansbury? That is for the future to decide. I go now into the harshness of a nearby pine barren in the hope that an ascetic life will sharpen my body and discipline my soul. I urge you to do the same lest we all sink into a well of unimaginable horror. Who knows but that you might one day be humanity’s last hope? Then again all of it might just be a contrivance to keep the show going for like 8 years.

3 Angela Lansbury as the Joker would be too amazing4 Her hometown5 Don’t pretend like you don’t know who he is. You probably have a smartphone

so look it up.

1)

Keith

Ledger

2) Cannibals

Under the Sea

3) Dangle

4) LitFic

5) Hummunuh

6) Tiiiiiim

7) Lion’s Den of Iniquity

8) !@#$

9) Squishy Elbow

10) Different Names

for Boobs that I Invented

11) Farts and Craps

12) (Arts and Crafts)

13) Come On Get Serious

14) Big Tony

15) Big Mike

16) Good at Winking

17) Tear Wrist

18) Wub Wub Wub

19) Analgesic

20) Root-and-Branch

21) Ghostburgers

22) Popular Coulter:

A Comprehensive

History of Ann Coulter’s

Meteoric Rise to Universal

Popularity

23) Ingrate

24) The Snackening

25) Ancient Websites

26) Unhandled Execption

27) Just Awful

28) Bar Bar Bar

29) Cunning Folk

30) Eyeless Gaze

31)Eyeless Gays

32) Death Milk

33) A Recipe for Successipe

34) Internal

Homosexual Panic

35) Cottage Cheese

& Guilt

36) Bad Words

37) Stop Resisting!

38) Bamd Nembers

39) PPNV

40) A (Bath)room

of Ones’s Own

41) Odd Weird Numbers

42) Myrethra

43) Coinpurse

44) Chipped Ham

45) Brown Noise

46)

Nurl

47) The

Fruit of

Calmness

48) Immortal Woman He

49) Peaches of Immortality

50) “Wait Till You See

My Oh!”:A peer-reviewed

Quarterly regarding

The Whisper Song by the

Ying Yang Twins

51) Sweaty Tacos

52) Black Seeds

53) Too Much Coffee

54) On the Nose

55) Ham Rove

56) Sasha’s cousin,

Bob Fierce

57) Sourpuss

58) Mustaction

59) Gort Mort Wort

60) Spooning Bananas

61) Florida Man

62) Obsurd

63) Hair Tracks

64) Wear Fear Poison

65)) Klimmeck Won’t

Leave the House

66) The Panopticon

67) Possible RPG

Character Names

68) Half-assed

69) I.N.T.E.R.D.

I.M.E.N.S.I.O.N.

A.L.F.R.Y.V.A.U.

L.T.G.R.A.B.

70) Organic Brains

71) Webelo? No.

Youbelo.

72) The Anti-Plum

Rebellion of 1626

1)

Keith

Ledger

2) Cannibals

Under the Sea

3) Dangle

4) LitFic

5) Hummunuh

6) Tiiiiiim

7) Lion’s Den of Iniquity

8) !@#$

9) Squishy Elbow

10) Different Names

for Boobs that I Invented

11) Farts and Craps

12) (Arts and Crafts)

13) Come On Get Serious

14) Big Tony

15) Big Mike

16) Good at Winking

17) Tear Wrist

18) Wub Wub Wub

19) Analgesic

20) Root-and-Branch

21) Ghostburgers

22) Popular Coulter:

A Comprehensive

History of Ann Coulter’s

Meteoric Rise to Universal

Popularity

23) Ingrate

24) The Snackening

25) Ancient Websites

26) Unhandled Execption

27) Just Awful

28) Bar Bar Bar

29) Cunning Folk

30) Eyeless Gaze

31)Eyeless Gays

32) Death Milk

33) A Recipe for Successipe

34) Internal

Homosexual Panic

35) Cottage Cheese

& Guilt

36) Bad Words

37) Stop Resisting!

38) Bamd Nembers

39) PPNV

40) A (Bath)room

of Ones’s Own

41) Odd Weird Numbers

42) Myrethra

43) Coinpurse

44) Chipped Ham

45) Brown Noise

46)

Nurl

47) The

Fruit of

Calmness

48) Immortal Woman He

49) Peaches of Immortality

50) “Wait Till You See

My Oh!”:A peer-reviewed

Quarterly regarding

The Whisper Song by the

Ying Yang Twins

51) Sweaty Tacos

52) Black Seeds

53) Too Much Coffee

54) On the Nose

55) Ham Rove

56) Sasha’s cousin,

Bob Fierce

57) Sourpuss

58) Mustaction

59) Gort Mort Wort

60) Spooning Bananas

61) Florida Man

62) Obsurd

63) Hair Tracks

64) Wear Fear Poison

65)) Klimmeck Won’t

Leave the House

66) The Panopticon

67) Possible RPG

Character Names

68) Half-assed

69) I.N.T.E.R.D.

I.M.E.N.S.I.O.N.

A.L.F.R.Y.V.A.U.

L.T.G.R.A.B.

70) Organic Brains

71) Webelo? No.

Youbelo.

72) The Anti-Plum

Rebellion of 1626

73)

Noodle-

mag

74) Snack

Nicholson: A Magazine

of photos of Jack

Nicholson eating snacks

75) Stop

76) Chewing

77) Your

78) Ice

79) Little Boy Wants to Be

a Big Boy

80) Classical Music Riots

81) Potluck Willies Quarterly

82) Motherless Children

83) Whistling Dick’s Magazine

84) Wanda “Psyches!”:

A how-toguide by the famed

comedienne

on the art of pranking,

ghost-written

85) Pre-organic Recipes

86) Boston Butt

87) Beets by Drew:

A coffee table book

of Drew the beet farmer

88) Nelson Mandela

Sign Language

Prepared by MagCloud for Daniel Beaudet. Get more at mweigma.magcloud.com.