kenyon collegiate issue 3.13

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Philander s Most sPlendiferous source of news  and G ossiP. V ol. 3, issue 13 a Pril 13, 2011 the kenyon collegiate 1 By Clifford Seldom GAMBIER — The 2011 housing as- signment process, which began last Wednesday, offered the worst lottery numbers of any year in recent mem- ory, students report. “I’ve just never seen anything like it,” said Residen- tial Life Coordinator Steve Engell. “Every year we have our bad apples — 300th in the grade, second-to-last male overall — but this year was dif- ferent.” And different it was. According to widely circulated statistics, Kenyon saw its lowest set of lottery numbers ever, with almost fty percent of the numbers considered well below av- erage. One Housing and Residential Life insider who declined to speak on the record nevertheless admitted that certain students had been assigned numbers as low as 843, while “very few” were allowed picks higher than twelfth. As news of the terrible numbers broke, many students expressed dis- appointment in the college. “I’ve heard of this at big state schools, but that’s why I chose Kenyon,” said sophomore James Sanchez, who was assigned number 470. “If it’s sup- posed to be a small community, then how do you explain these horrible lot- tery numbers? ” Different ideas have been pro- posed to avoid bad numbers in the coming years. One faculty member has suggested a number-sharing sys- tem, where two students can use the same number to cut down on waste. Another proposal calls for half-num- bers like 311.5, which some have sug- gested could reduce the total volume of numbers by up to fty percent. New Sidewalk Installed In Front of Wa lking T rustee By Charlie Adams GAMBIER — Following a lavish dedi- cation ceremony, construction workers broke ground last Friday on a new side- walk in front of Kenyon trustee Car- los Matthews ’73. The four-foot-wide concrete walk will connect wherever Matthews currently is with wherever he decides to go as he walks around the campus, ensuring a dry, clear passage year-round for the Leadership-level donor. Work on the project will to con- tinue throughout April. “We’re very proud of this new proj- ect,” announced College President S. Georgia Nugent in an e-mail sent to the student body. “Sure, in the past we’ve sometimes rushed into projects without fully considering them. But we learned a lot from those mistakes. That’s why, this time, we sat down with the com- munity to discuss exactly what they want. And the resounding answer was, ‘We want Mr. Matthew’s shoes to stay clean.’” The sidewalk is among the col- lege’s most ambitious undertakings to date, combining sophisticated technol- ogy with highly skilled laborers. As Matthews strolls through Gambier, the construction team will accompany him, clearing and pouring lengths of concrete sidewalk beneath his feet. If the respected trustee happens to turn or double back — say, to visit the site of a rst kiss or a favorite class — contrac- tors planning in real time will redirect construction to assist him. But despite such innovative tech- niques, the new plan has been met with erce criticism. “Has anyone actu- ally looked at the artists’ renderings?” wrote allstu dissident Jamie Anders ’11. “They just show a white sidewalk 2011 Housing Lottery Numbers ‘The Worst Yet’ By Ichabod Townley PEIRCE — Earlier this week, AVI employees roped off the newly des- ignated “Veggie Danger Zone” on the west side of the servery in reac- tion to the troubling number of veg- etables disappearing from the area. Situated between the Comfort and International stations, the Dan- ger Zone has claimed over 2,000 pounds of raw vegetables this year. This ghastly statistic has earned it the name “The Bermuda Triangle of Vegetables” among the kitchen staff. AVI workers hope the new sig- nage and barricades will prevent vegetables from falling helplessly into the Danger Zone. “It’s eerie,” AVI staff member Mitchell Leb- lanc commented, “seeing all those vegetables vanish like that. I tell you what, if I were a vegetable, I wouldn’t come around here.” Leb- lanc’s expression turned grave. “It’s not safe here for vegetables.” The crisis has been cause for alarm for ECO representative Garratt Gable ’11. “The sheer volume of vegetables disappearing from this particular area of the dining hall is truly disconcert- ing,” said Gable. “In these uncertain times we all have to be extremely conscientious about preserving our vegetable resources.” Reports from the Danger Zone indicate that the average life expec- tancy of a vegetable is about three hours once caught inside, depend- ing on the time of day and how the vegetable has been prepared. “If you’re a fried green bean and you wind up in the danger zone at the stroke of noon, you can kiss your delicious ass goodbye,” remarked AVI employee Harvey Goodsmith. “I’ve seen it happen, and it’s hor- rifying.” Those who have spent time in the Danger Zone say that a certain breed of students is behind the may- Continued on page 2. Continued on page 2. Continued on page 2. Peirce To Designate ‘V eggie Danger Zone’ InsIde ThIs Issue  Junior Already Worried  About Comps Homework Put Of Until Cookie Eaten Open Mic Promises, Delivers Dreamy Boys  With Guitars Take Back e Night Settles For Aternoon A Kenyon construction team labors to ease Matthews’s passage. Students were assigned numbers as low as 843, while “very few” were allowed picks higher than twelfth.

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Page 1: Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.13

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.13

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/kenyon-collegiate-issue-313 1/6

Philander ’s Most sPlendiferous source of news  and G ossiP. V ol. 3, issue 13 a Pril 13, 2011

the kenyon collegiate

Clifford Seldom

AMBIER — The 2011 housing as-nment process, which began lastednesday, offered the worst lotterymbers of any year in recent mem-y, students report. “I’ve just nevern anything like it,” said Residen-

Life Coordinator Steve Engell.very year we have our bad apples300th in the grade, second-to-lastle overall — but this year was dif-ent.”And different it was. According to

dely circulated statistics, Kenyonw its lowest set of lottery numberser, with almost fty percent of thembers considered well below av-ge. One Housing and Residential

fe insider who declined to speak onrecord nevertheless admitted that

tain students had been assignedmbers as low as 843, while “veryw” were allowed picks higher thanelfth.As news of the terrible numbers

oke, many students expressed dis-

appointment in the college. “I’veheard of this at big state schools, butthat’s why I chose Kenyon,” saidsophomore James Sanchez, who wasassigned number 470. “If it’s sup-

posed to be a small community, thenhow do you explain these horrible lot-tery numbers? ”

Different ideas have been pro-posed to avoid bad numbers in thecoming years. One faculty memberhas suggested a number-sharing sys-tem, where two students can use thesame number to cut down on waste.Another proposal calls for half-num-bers like 311.5, which some have sug-gested could reduce the total volumeof numbers by up to fty percent.

ew Sidewalk Installed In Front of Walking TrusteeCharlie Adams

AMBIER — Following a lavish dedi-ion ceremony, construction workers

oke ground last Friday on a new side-lk in front of Kenyon trustee Car-Matthews ’73. The four-foot-wide

ncrete walk will connect whereveratthews currently is with whereverdecides to go as he walks around the

mpus, ensuring a dry, clear passagear-round for the Leadership-levelnor. Work on the project will to con-

ue throughout April.“We’re very proud of this new proj-,” announced College President S.orgia Nugent in an e-mail sent to thedent body. “Sure, in the past we’ve

metimes rushed into projects withoutly considering them. But we learnedot from those mistakes. That’s why,s time, we sat down with the com-nity to discuss exactly what theynt. And the resounding answer was,e want Mr. Matthew’s shoes to stayan.’”

The sidewalk is among the col-lege’s most ambitious undertakings todate, combining sophisticated technol-ogy with highly skilled laborers. AsMatthews strolls through Gambier,the construction team will accompanyhim, clearing and pouring lengths of concrete sidewalk beneath his feet. If the respected trustee happens to turn ordouble back — say, to visit the site of arst kiss or a favorite class — contrac-

tors planning in real time will redirectconstruction to assist him.

But despite such innovative tech-niques, the new plan has been met witherce criticism. “Has anyone actu-ally looked at the artists’ renderings?”wrote allstu dissident Jamie Anders’11. “They just show a white sidewalk

011 Housing Lottery Numbers ‘The Worst Yet’ By Ichabod Townley

PEIRCE — Earlier this week, AVIemployees roped off the newly des-ignated “Veggie Danger Zone” onthe west side of the servery in reac-tion to the troubling number of veg-etables disappearing from the area.

Situated between the Comfortand International stations, the Dan-ger Zone has claimed over 2,000pounds of raw vegetables this year.This ghastly statistic has earned itthe name “The Bermuda Triangleof Vegetables” among the kitchenstaff.

AVI workers hope the new sig-nage and barricades will preventvegetables from falling helplesslyinto the Danger Zone. “It’s eerie,”AVI staff member Mitchell Leb-lanc commented, “seeing all thosevegetables vanish like that. I tellyou what, if I were a vegetable, Iwouldn’t come around here.” Leb-lanc’s expression turned grave. “It’snot safe here for vegetables.”

The crisis has been cause fofor ECO representative Garrat’11. “The sheer volume of vegdisappearing from this particuof the dining hall is truly discing,” said Gable. “In these untimes we all have to be extconscientious about preservivegetable resources.”

Reports from the Dangeindicate that the average life tancy of a vegetable is abouhours once caught inside, ding on the time of day and hvegetable has been prepareyou’re a fried green bean awind up in the danger zonestroke of noon, you can kisdelicious ass goodbye,” remAVI employee Harvey Good“I’ve seen it happen, and itrifying.”

Those who have spent tthe Danger Zone say that a breed of students is behind th

Continued on page 2.Continued on page 2.

Continued on page 2.

Peirce To Designate ‘Veggie Danger Zo

InsIdeThIs Issue

 Junior Already Worr About Comps

Homework Put Of UCookie Eaten

Open Mic Promises,Delivers Dreamy Boy With Guitars

Take Back e NightSettles For Aternoon

A Kenyon construction team labors to ease Matthews’s passage.

Students were assigned numbers as

low as 843, while “very few” were

allowed picks higher than twelfth.

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hem. “Some of these kids,” reGoodsmith, “it’s like they eaing but vegetables. It’s mons

Self-proclaimed vegetablChelsea Swopple ’12 was ungetic when confronted about quent visits to the Danger Zsearch of vegetables to feas“What am I supposed to dosaid deantly. “Eat cereal fomeals a day?”

Diesel Jackson

OTT LANE — The parties hostedGeoff Katzby ’11 hold no paral-party-going students report, and

s past weekend saw students ockanother of the popular weekly-togethers. Hosted at Katzby’s-campus residence, “the Perch,”

galas attract a diverse and eagerung crowd. Katzby, known for thee and grandeur of his parties, saysenjoys the company.“The thing, old sport,” he said, “ist people enjoy themselves. I don’t

k for much more.”“Oh, Katzby’s parties are the great-,” reports Sophie Spritz ’14. “He

ways has the best music, the bestoze. The thing is, I never really seem at his own parties. Actually, I’mt sure I’ve ever seen him.”Though Katzby may seem self-s to his guests, neighbor Seth Far-

w ’11 suspects something deeperving the parties. “For as long ase lived downstairs here, he’s beenowing huge stuff up there,” re-rked Farrow. “It’s the stuff of leg-

ds. But it’s the quieter nights thatke me. Once, coming back latem the library, I saw him standinghis window, facing south, reachingt with his arms. Passing Crozier,oticed a faint green glow comingm an upstairs window. And then,en I looked back to the Perch,tzby was gone.”“The gossip is that it’s his crush,”orts Jenna Dougherty ’12. “I heard

m a source he was in love with herce, and that he throws these ex-

travagant parties to attract her over.But he could just walk over there. Imean, their windows are like fty feetaway.”

“Girls like a guy that makes therst move,” continued Dougherty.

Recent rumors of scandal regard-ing how Katzby came to live in theprized off-campus residence seem notto have deterred weekenders awayfrom his home, though some remainsuspicious of the circumstances of his housing and, it seems, of Katzbyhimself.

“I don’t know about that cat,” saidMike Nevill ’12, pointing to a Persianvariety crossing his path. “But, also,that Katzby, I don’t know about him.Word is that Katzby was supposedto move out, but right at the crucialmoment the next renter just up anddropped out of Kenyon. It’s shady

stuff, and he’s been living there eversince, apparently. He probably just

throws those parties to shut peopleup.”

“That’s not it,” said Farrow, dis-missing the gossip. “It’s her he’s afterwith these parties. Maybe he doesn’tknow any other way to do it. BecauseKatzby believes in that green light, inthe orgiastic future that weekend byweekend recedes from us. It eludedus — er, him — then, but whatever.Tomorrow we will run harder, better,faster, stronger, stretch out our armsfarther . . . Like Geoff, just stretch outour arms. And then, one ne Sundaymorning — well, you know . . . Sowe beat on, ships against the current,airplanes against the jet stream, entre-preneurial small businesses againstthe national economic recession,what have you, and will be borneback ceaseless into yesteryear.”

“Besides,” Farrow continued, “I

hear he’s getting Rebelution to playlive next weekend.”

Dash Riprock

AMBIER — Last Wednesday, Beckyinstein, Student Record Specialist inOfce of the Registrar, accidentally

covered the Internet quiz site spor-.com. “I was looking for a fun newktop image on the Google,” saidinstein, “but when I tried to type inparkle,’ I pinkied the wrong key and

ed in ‘Sporkle.’ Who even knew its a word!”It wasn’t long before Reinstein’so threw kerosene on the already

mpant res of procrastination ragingthe walls of Edwards House. “Nowthe girls are getting in on the fun,”

mmented Reinstein. “Some of usven’t done any work in days! I’ve

a whole stack of green papers thated to be put in the green paper folder!n’t even get me started on the littlek papers — I can’t remember thet time I moved them from one coun-

ter to another!”Rage directed at students has in-

creased noticeably. “I asked if I hadenough natural science credits to grad-uate, and the lady behind the countertold me that if I didn’t leave or tell herthe capital of Sri Lanka she’d staplemy hand to my face,” reported VincePritchard ’11.

An inside source tells us that the

registrar’s ofce isn’t the only one oncampus getting in on the fun. “We’rebeating Reslife pretty soundly on‘Countries of the World,’” said Assis-tant Registrar Claudette Bilson, “butthey’ve got us on ‘Famous Bears’ and‘Cereal Mascots.’” While the two of-ces compete to outperform each otheron web-based trivia quizzes, transcriptorders have gone unlled, class regis-tration has been canceled, the housinglottery has become a “do-it-yourself”process, and graduation has been in-denitely postponed.

Students are concerned the epidemicwill rival the Neopets crisis of ’01. Can-dace Wrigley ’13 expressed her worry,saying, “Rumor has it there are stillmembers of the class of ’01 on campuswaiting for their transcripts.”

please recycle issue before or after reading

Campus Socialites Flock to Katzby Galas

egistrar Discovers Sporcle, Graduation Postponed Indefinitely

Katzby, solemnly appreciating his handiwork.

Reinstein after nishing a weekly word ladder.

randomly crisscrossing southpus. People, this project could pave over any part of campus. Wlucky if they only take Middle P

“These students’ hearts areright place,” offered a bemuseddent Nugent in response, “ball their youthful idealism, thcan’t see the larger picture. Pavground beneath our trustees’ feeus to streamline campus maint

By attending directly to the nour donor community, we can kcollege stunning for our valuedwithout that beauty ever intrudthe lives of students.”

As the debate over his naproject rages, though, Matthews has remained curiously quiet. the trustee has made no ofcial ances since the groundbreakineven amid calls for his resigMatthews, who graduated KenMay of 1973, was last sighted wacross Ransom Lawn, trying inlie down on the grass.

From ‘Numbers,’ page 1

From ‘Veggie,’ page 1.

From ‘Sidewalk,’ page

Many different theoriesarisen to explain the terrible of numbers. Justin Calder ’English major and the 121st mhis class, claims the problem the administration. “Kenyon be different. When I was a frepeople were regularly gettingbers like three and seventeePresident Nugent has been reaing out to the trustees in the paand it’s just all becoming clear

Others believe that more cfactors are at work. “This isbigger than Kenyon HousingEngell. “We’re talking aboutcare reform, global warming, can’t get jobs. It was a matter until it affected the lottery.”

However, not everyone ivinced that the school has a nproblem, “I mean, every yearare going to be disappointedsenior Grifn Freidman. “Snumber like 821 is pretty bad, think: it could have been 872your blessings, people.”

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Karen Freedman, Cool Mom

my little one, Hope [Freedman4] calls me up on Friday and says,ey, Ma there’s this party tomorrowere I’ve gotta dress like somethingt will shock ya,” and then — gets — she says, “I think I’m gonnaa nun.” I start laughing up a storm,t crackin’ up and I says to her, “Is dressed in a habit when I gaveth to ya and that wasn’t no Jesus’sby.” I mean I was callin’ her Hopecause I was hoping that she didn’tme out addicted to crack. I tell ya,t girl got drunk off rum raisin iceam at her third birthday and that’sen I knew, for sure, she was my kid

honestly, before that, I had no clue.t a clue.

So I’m thinkin’, “shock me?”There’s just no way. Body paint?Seen it. Adult diapers on twen-tysomething-year-old boys? Oldnews. Gays? I fancied myself adandy once . . . when I was on LSD

and I thought his skin was made of silk. Either way, you cannot shockthis old broad. I did wayyyy toomany bong rips in college for thatshit.

So I tells Hope, “I’ll send my ass-less chaps to your P.O. Box.” Be-tween you and me I haven’t wornthem since that night in college whenI rode a horse onto South Quad afterfeeding it my shoe laces. I also say,“While, I’m at it, I’ll send ya somebooze.” Her girlfriends could useit. They all like that baking for thewomen’s shelter and shit. I spent for-ty-three nights in a women’s prisonupstate. Time of my life — the girlsin there gave me a tattoo on the smallof my back that says “slut.”

I was telling Hope, there, thatwhen I come down to Gambier I’lltake those frigid biddies to the Coveand show them a thing or two aboutpartying. I could drink them underthe table and I’m thirty-seven yearsout of practice. Hell, I could shockmy own mother by telling her that Istill smoke two packs a day, even af-ter I got that new esophagus. I’ll tellya what, if someone sees even one of Hope’s tits before she graduates I’ll

be shocked. Perk those girls, babyand do Mama proud.

[email protected]

pinion 

By Mayhew Razorsnout IV

Okay, Mather. It’s time we put allour cards out on the table. You’re notleaving that silversh-infested Hell-pit you call a residence hall anytimesoon, and the reason is me. I am therock, I am the hard place, and mostimportantly, I am a walking bag of weaponized stink.

I’ve got you trapped. You thoughtyou could outsmart me, but now yousee you’ve got another thing com-ing. You sauntered out the breezewaydoor this morning thinking, Hey, Ireally think today’s gonna be myday, and then, oh what do you know,there’s a badass skunk hanging out atthe smoker’s table, his well-groomed

coat still thick with the odor of lastnight’s gas bomb. No big deal, you

thought, I’ll just take the NortWrong again, assface. Whwaiting for you outside thaonly moments later? It was Mnew worst nightmare.

I am everywhere, all the tim

try to leave by the tire swinthere. The laundry room wBAM: I’m there. There is lno escape. The sad fact is thsmarter than you, faster than yhave access to biblical levelsrighteous glandular reek. Youthat? That’s the smell of powdoomed little coeds.

And don’t think you can ame by leaving more half-fuof Doritos in the breezewaycans. What am I, a raccoon? Give me more credit than thnot doing this for a ransom. Iing it for the power. The sheeof watching your terried littllook down on me from the windows as you eat the last Gummi Fruit Snacks from theing machines.

I’m like a divine emperor and I’m sorry to say that thodorous Caesar is pointing hisdownwards vis-a-vis your fat

come to the lion pit, Mather reIt is a smelly, smelly place.

You’re Not Going Anywher

The sad fact is that I am ser than you, and have accbiblical levels of glandular

ust Try and Shock This Old Broad

Special advertiSing Section

2011 roommateS Seeking roommateS

Major: Poly SciSeeking: DoubleInterests: subwoofers,screams/shouts, cymbals,the 1812 Overture withlive cannons, lion’s roars,gunshot sounds, sonicbooms, the big bang

Mike Jenkins ’13

Major: PhysicsSeeking: ApartmentInterests: Lasagna,Canasta with grandmseaside picnics, Naziparaphernalia . . . ironcally, of course

Ralph Schwist ’13

Major: MLLSeeking: TripleInterests: Makeup,hair salons, nail salons,shoes, boys, shop-ping, my SORORITY SISTAHS!, sexually deviant comic books

Erica Dwent ’13

Major: Sociology Seeking: SuiteInterests: reading, writ-ing, tea, cookies, ArcadeFire, hanging with my boyfriend <3 (will nottolerate Jews, blacks, or

Chinamen)

 Trina Carp ’12

Major: UndeclaredSeeking: Double SingleInterests: You movingout, you failing out of school, you living with

 your signicant other, you deciding to goabroad at the last min-ute, cheesy pretzels

 Aimee Rook ’12

Major: EnglishSeeking: ValidatioInterests: GladePlugins, dryer sheeMicrosoft Oce,Español, inspiratioposters, fountain pballpoint pens (nographite!)

Lance Stewart ’14

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the kenyon collegiate

Paige Sackler 

m done walking through the cloudsdust churned up by hooves. I’m

ne watching my friends get im-ed by razor sharp tusks. I’m doneth wild boars.If you take pleasure in having aee-hundred-pound beast in youridence, that’s ne, just don’t sub-t me to the terror they unleash asy charge through campus.The fact that there are herds of al pigs rampaging the streets of wntown Gambier is unacceptable.ery one of us has had to push oury through a pack of wild boars onir way to class, and we all knoww inconvenient and terrifying it is.

The wild boars tend to crowdaround the entrances to academicbuildings and residences. The factthat students have to risk their lives

every time they walk into their ownhomes is simply appalling.

Keeping wild boars is a choice.No one is forcing students to buy up-wards of fty pounds of raw meat aweek in order to keep a wild boar asa pet. The only thing that keeps peo-ple with their boars is the connectionthey feel. While it can be hard to giveup a beloved pet, it’s not impossible.Keeping these dangerous beasts ani-mals is a matter of one’s own volition.

I encourage my peers to give upthese beasts now, before they areforcefully taken from them. Further-more, Ohio should ban boars in atwenty-ve-foot radius of buildings.No one should be forced to be aroundboars.

oint/Counterpoint: The Wild Boar Ban 

By Aggie Harrison

Last week, members of Campus Sen-ate proposed a plan to ban wild boarsfrom campus. Students found con-sorting with wild boars will be subjectto academic probation and the healthcenter has offered its services to stu-dents who need counseling during thetransition to a boar-less campus.

Evidence overwhelmingly showsthat wild boars are extremely danger-ous. Those who’ve had pet boars inthe past and those who haven’t canagree that a wild boar will rip a manapart with their tusks when they gettheir rst chance.

The fact is, no matter whapus Senate decides, there will be wild boars at Kenyon. Nwould a ban be impossible force, but the removal of themight also seriously endange

involved. Furthermore, an all-on wild boars is not the only combat the problem.

Other colleges around the have recently implemented bans. However, due to the faKenyon’s campus is so sprethe time and resources it wouto effectively capture, bag, amove the boars is simply impr

Moreover, there is no cevidence that these boar bans areduce the number of mauliany campus. If a wild boar wrip someone’s face off with itnothing is going to stop it.

As someone who personallferal pigs, I have never had atelling people I’m uncomfhanging out with them when a boar in the room. Instead ning boars altogether, Campuate should delineate certain bozones, and provide studentinformation on how to protecselves during the event of a btack.

A Ban Won’t Stop The Boa

If you take pleasure in hav-

ing a three-hundred-poundbeast in your residence, that’s ne, just don’t subjectme to the terror they un-leash as they charge throughcampus.

The Boar Ban Is Necessary

By Pumpy Calico ASCENSION — At approximately6:00 p.m. last night, a mass of studentshuddled around the windows in thirdoor Ascension, trying to read by thedwindling sunlight.

Priscilla Turnip ’13 was trying tocomplete a long reading assignmentfor the next day. “I had been reading allday,” she said, “just hoping I could getthrough the last few chapters of Ulysses for tomorrow. But the sun just keptgetting lower in the sky. The situationseemed hopeless.”

Rupert Snell ’12 was in a similar

predicament. “I was trying to get aphysics problem set done before sun-down, but it wasn’t looking good,”he said. “And I was thinking, ‘If onlythere were some way to create lightthrough an articial source. We couldbe like gods!’”

As the sun set, several male studentsbegan beating their breasts in frustra-tion. Others began pulling their hairand gnashing their teeth. Then, AllenTickens ’13 strode condently over tothe wall and turned on the lights.

“I was shocked,” reported Fanny

Rex ’11. “All my years at KenyI’d never seen anyone do thatchutzpah! I thought only mainworkers had the power to iswitches.”

Students gazed at Tickens and confused murmurs broaround the room. An unknown allegedly yelled, “He hath givengift of light!” Then, a group of sran over to Tickens and began ping themselves at his feet.

According to Tickens, studensince started following him campus, asking him to take themdisciples. One of these student

Rostroe ’12, explained, “He light where there was none. Hchaos and molded it into order. Tmuch he can teach us.”

Other students, however, hacted with skepticism. “Mayisn’t a power we’re meant tosaid Jason Welter ’14. “Maybesomething noble about recoour limits, about understandiwe shouldn’t try to recreate thedom of God here on Earth. PluI have no excuse not to do mhomework. Balls.”

Sheridan Whiteside

AMBIER — Underutilization be-me a pandemic Sunday as Kenyondents and faculty struggled to meetir completely reasonable, easily

hievable goals.“I had a twenty-page paper dueonday, but lying in bed felt satisfy-ly womb-like,” commented Shelly

cAdams ’11, who didn’t put clothesuntil dinner. “It wasn’t until two

t I decided to get up and sit nakedmy plastic desk chair. After a while

sweat on my back formed a prettycomfortable seal with the chair, but Is having a great time playing phonemes, so it didn’t really matter.”The pandemic was not limited todents: even normally disciplinedulty found themselves unable to ful-utilize Sunday’s abundant free time.“I was going to grade a paper or twoay, and maybe work on a crossword

zzle and take the dog out,” said Toddrlisle, professor of English. “But Is watching the birds in my feeder,d it was like they were saying, ‘Free

yourself!’ So I think I’m going to eatCheetos and watch The Merchant of Venice. Also, that damn dog can just goahead and pee on the rug again. I don’tgive a shit.”

In Mather, Kevin Bloom ’12 con-sidered applying for summer jobs, butdecided to masturbate instead. “Thirdtime today,” he explained. “I’m start-ing to feel really guilty and sore, butsomething drives me on. I also haveto pee, which has been building up forthe last few hours, and take a shower,so I’m not sure how much time I’ll

have to get around to applications. Iwould say I was trying to stick it tothe unpaid-internship establishment,but I’m really just sitting around mas-turbating.”

However, not everyone let Sundaygo to waste. Dan Falby ’11 went tothe KAC, helped out at a homelessshelter, ate ve apples, and evencleaned his whole apartment. “It wasexhilarating,” commented the senior.“I really felt like I did something to-day. Now I just have to write my se-nior thesis for tomorrow.”

Guy Turns On Lights In Ascension, Is Praised As De

Sunday Underutilized

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Jean Shortz

N UNDERGROUND LAIR —is past Wednesday, after reading a

ave and passionately honest allstu,illustrious campus thief emerged

m under his gigantic pile of plun-r to right his wrongs. When askedy he chose now to turn himself in,er spending years terrorizing Ken-n’s campus with his ruthless pilfer-g of jackets, water bottles, K-Cards,ackberrys, and Macbook chargers,

thief responded, “I guess I neverlly got it till I saw that allstu. Thate powerful allstu that put it all intorspective.”The allstu, written by sophomorena Genet, entitled “seriously???”,

scribes Genet’s hurt and disap-intment at the robbery of her oldnis shoes, sweatshirt, one pink

gyle sock, and iPhone — all itemst went missing over the past twoeks.Genet said in her allstu, “i get thatu are embarrassed that your weakoral character has caused you toke such a spineless decision. at the

ry least, give me back my phone.eed it. TO MAKE CALLS [sic].”

“She needs her phone to makels. I didn’t even think about that,”d the thief. “I’m just so selsh.” Heng his head and cried.

The thief took full responsibilityhis corrupt actions, and his only

fense was that “no one ever stoppedspell it out for me, but when Annased her email with, ‘WHOEVER

ANKED MY SHIT YOU KNOWHO YOU ARE GIVE IT BACKR I WILL LOSE FAITH IN HU-ANKIND,’ I realized that she’sht: I do know who I am. A low-wn, no good, yellow-bellied cow-d. And I see that now.”The thief, after turning himself in tompus Safety and Security, returnedof the belongings in his hideout to

ir rightful owners, including seven-three Patagonia eeces, hundreds of dit cards, twenty library carrel keys,d much more.“Initially, I was planning on return-

just Anna’s belongings,” said theef. “However, that would have been

action of an unchanged man — alty man. But I am more than a guiltyn. Anna Genet has held a mirror upme and shown me the error of myys. I am a man marred by his ownviant actions, and now, thanks tona’s courage, I am a changed man.”

Please recycle issue before or after reading.

By Market Guy “Hey” there, everybody. Market Guyhere, with the “latest” news from“your” very own Village “Market.”

We’ve got some “great” deals foryou this “week!” Check out our Gala“apples,” only $1 a “pound.” You just“can’t” nd that sort “of” value any-where else. And for you late “night”snackers: two market “dogs” for the

“price” of one! Our market dogs are“made” from only the “nest” quality“beef” from “local” farms. We “guar-antee” it!

Now, some of you “out there”have said you’re confused by “our”seemingly random “use” of quotationmarks on our “signs.” In fact, oneof you “English” majors had this to“say”: ¡I know a lot of things abouta lot of things, and you can’t just usequotation marks with random words.They’re used to denote citations,

quoted speech, literal names, or anironic tone!

Well, “English major,” I know alot of things about a lot of “things,”too, so I wouldn’t get “so” highand mighty. Like when “you”come into the Market on a “Tues-day” afternoon, trying to act likeyou “haven’t” spent the last ve

hours “day drinking.” You th“can’t” tell. We can always “

So quit your whining and “enjoy some of our “deliciouchips: only “$2.99” from now“next” Friday! But before youin, “please” wipe your feehave “standards” of “sanitatuphold.

‘News’ From the ‘Village’ Market: We’re Selling ‘Food’ for ‘Mon

The Village Market’s new “product labelling

By Paul Paulson

11:00 — Here I am, on my rstassignment for The Collegiate .

 Today’s theme is “LivebloggingLunch.” I’ll be here giving you aplay-by-play of what goes downin the ’bier during that most fa-

 vorite of meals.

11:05 — I’m pretty pumped forlunch, but I don’t see anyoneto sit with. Oh well, guess I’ll

  just set up shop here in UpperDempsey. I’m sure my friends will be out of class soon. Jenny has Modern Quebec at 9:40,so she’ll denitely be headeddown. Mike and James too.Hopefully they’ll get here andll the table before I have tosit with that obnoxious Sammi

 Waldorf girl. She always wantsto cozy up to me and blab abouthow awesome she thinks I am.

11:15 — It looks like she’s sit-ting on the other side of theroom already. Whew! Dodged

that bullet. Maybe I should getsome food or something, but Idon’t want Tamantha to missme if she stops by after her So-cial Board meeting.

11:16 — I am getting really hungry though. Maybe I’llspread my coat out and leavemy backpack on the chair.

 ey’ll see that. Or maybe I’ll wait a few more minutes.

11:20 — I really should getsome food. Along with being

necessary for my continuedsubstantive existence, eating

 will also give me something todo with my face since I have noone to talk to. I’m starting toget some ugly glares.

11:25 — It’s probably becauseI’m taking up this huge table.Maybe if I move a few of theeight chairs people won’t be somad. eir eyes are so cruel.

11:30 — It’s Burger Blowouttoday. I would make a jokeabout it, but the only personI recognize in line is that kidfrom my anthropology class

 with the slouch and ugly jacket.

11:45 — Back at the table.Hmm. Still no friends. MaybeI can read a book while I eat.Okay, this is awkward. Maybe Ican go on the computer instead.Here’s someone! Oh wait, that’s

 just the AVI lady, come to wipeo my table.

11:46 — Ew. My keyboard gotburger on it.

11:47 — You know what? I l ikethis. I feel independent. My friends aren’t so great anyway.

 is way, I get more time to bealone with my thoughts. I’mdenitely, denitely denitely ne with it.

12:00 — Guess I’ll bus my tray.Maybe I’ll say high to Sammion the way out. We always weregreat friends.

I Guess I’ll Be Eating Alone Today: A Live Blog

ictim of Robberyends Passionatellstu; Campus Thiefoved to Retirement

Senior Art Exp‘Too Real’By Elgin Marbles

OLIN GALLERY — Caitlin M’11 made grown men cry last Mwhen she presented Autobiograpsenior exercise in studio art in tArt Gallery.

Monroe, a self-describedronmentalist, left visitors spewith her stunning body of wouniquely combined personal phy, artistic acumen, and honeto mention an artist’s statemeshe wrote herself!) which usuch ve-dollar words as “seself” and “identity.”

“Caitlin’s show made think athe big stuff,” Brandon Typs ’“You know? Shit like sex andand how sad I am that there’s omidnight breakfast a semester. drove it home.”

Several visitors planned tothe gallery later in the week, aopening, to experience the worintimately. “I really wanted som

time with it,” Adrian Pearce ’“You know, really get a sensespace, what the work was reallyto say. It was an utterly gut-wreexperience. I haven’t cried lisince I watched Tarzan. Too rea

“In the one work, the one wchicken thigh,” Melicia Tomsaid, “I just kept thinking, wmy god wow, this is totally heathat one time my grandmother hdestrian with her Saab and hato night court. Wow. All I can‘wow.’ ”

Page 6: Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.13

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 3.13

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/kenyon-collegiate-issue-313 6/6

Barker D. Flugelhorn

IRCE — In a startling turn of ents, sophomore football playereg Spiezak actually did not spend

ose fteen minutes in front of youthe international section “takingsweet damn time” as you initiallyieved. As you stood in line behind

m, your stomach grumbling, youndered to yourself, “Who is up infront, and why is he doing this to

? What’s going on, is he selectingnest-grade potstickers individu-y, allowing a distinct period of in-ivity between each selection outrespect for each?” According tovery sources, that was the preciseson.“When I look for a potstick-. . . well, let’s just say that I’mbit of a connoisseur,’’ chucklediezak. “Sometimes, I select one,d there are various problems with— skin too crispy, lling too

moist, irregular shape. That’s whenmy mind says, ‘Why not?’ and mygourmet palette says, ‘Put it back,Chef Boyardee. This isn’t a steak-n-shake.’ When I pick up those tongs,I don’t expect to let go of them un-til my plate is full of the absolutebest potstickers Peirce can provideme, no matter how much the peoplebehind me groan and throw forks atmy neck.”

Growing up, Spiezak and his fam-ily had a weekly ritual of attendingnice restaurants, and he says thatthose experiences inuence him tothis day. “I guess I just have a tastefor quality, and I stick — or shouldI say, potstick? — to it.” Spiezak ad-mits that sometimes he’ll spend up to

fteen minutes selecting “that perfectstromboli, or that immaculate slice of cookie pie.” When asked about thecomplaints generated by the peoplebehind him in line about his lengthyselection process, Spiezak replied,“I have to admit, I’m kind of in myown world when I’m up there. Foodis my passion, and what does timematter when you’re doing somethingyou love? Some people love singing.Others love hunting. I love picking

out the nest quality salad ingredi-ents, leaf by leaf, until I’ve assembledsomething worthy of the Spiezakname.”

Next Tuesday, look for Spiezak atthe Comfort Station. “It’s pot roastnight, and I couldn’t be more excited.I know that somewhere in that tray of meat, there’s that one perfect slice,waiting just for me, and I won’t restuntil I nd it. Expect some delays— I could be there all day, “smiledSpiezak.

“When I look for a potstick-er . . . well, let’s just say thatI’m a bit of a connoisseur.”

[email protected]

C ollegIaTe  sTaf

Lost Keys . . . . . . . . Sheridan WhLost Jacket . . . . . . . . . . Diesel JLost Water Bottle . . . . . . GordelLost Blackberry . . . . . . Charlie Lost Scarf . . . . . . . . . . . Ed Lost iPod . . . . . . . . . . GrannyLost Hat . . . . . . . . . Esteban SLost Lanyard . . . . . Dingo RocLost Kindle . . . . . . . . . . JeanLost Boots . . . . Beauregard BeaLost Earring . . . . . . . . . ClamsLost Umbrella . . . . . . Roy McKLost iPhone . . . . . . . . Helga GLost Ring . . . . . . . Gunderson TLost Wallet . . . . . . . . . . Boat Lost Belt . . . . . . . . . . Elgin MLost Raincoat . . . Barker D. Flu

Lost K-Card . . . . . . Ming Shei Lost Droid . . . . . . . . . . PumpyLost Thumb Drive . . . . . . Billy Lost North Face . . . . . . . Dash RLost Purse . . . . . . . . . Clifford Lost Camera . . . . . . Ichabod TLost Dignity . . Ruth “Thundercat”

Consultant . . . . . . . . Found

Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .

Francis Albert Victor Nicholaslegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE,

Boat Thorpe

CONNOR HOUSE — Profes-r Alan Steeply’s history semi-r failed to progress last Tuesdayhen Steeply’s students were un-le to provide the specic answerhad in mind. Witnesses reported

at the seminar room in O’Connorouse where the class is held wasmpletely silent for almost two

urs straight.The class, Women and WarfareModern Europe, meets Tuesday

ghts from 7:00-10:00 p.m. andnsists entirely of senior historyajors. While the class often hasculty sustaining a spirited dis-ssion over the full three hours,ch a long period of silence wasretofore unprecedented.“It was horrible,” said Danielleorkin ’11. “I mean, no one wasying anything because we obvi-sly hadn’t done the reading, andjust kept asking these questions

if they were so easy. Usually weess what he wants after a fewes, but this time we just couldn’tt it.”According to Steeply’s students,

class had been discussing wom-s participation in the Balkan Wars1912 and 1913 when Steeply said,ut, of course, mothers in Serbiare doing what?”“I looked up when I heard that,”d Gary Heder ’11, “and I was like,it, question.’” Heder had been

awing a picture of Batman eating

a lobster dinner, but at this point heturned his attention to Steeply andsearched his mind for the answer.“I couldn’t even gure out what thequestion was,” he said, “so I justlooked down and gured someoneelse would answer it.”

Despite several hints from Steeplyincluding, “It was in the Moodle read-ing,” and, “Think Ottomans,” none of the seminar students managed to pro-duce a satisfactory answer.

“I guessed like twelve differentthings,” said Francis Stonemason’11, “and all of them were true, butthey weren’t what he wanted. He keptsaying stuff like, ‘Well, yeah, that’strue, but what else?’” Several otherstudents tried their hands at Steeply’sbrainteaser, but all were met withsimilar responses. “Finally, we just

stopped trying,” said Stonemason.When the students stopped haz-

arding guesses, Steeply continuedto offer encouraging prompts suchas, “Come on, guys,” and, “Youknow this.” Eventually, though,even he gave up. For the remainder

of the seminar, the class sat in si-lence.“It was awkward for a while,”

said Raymond Swann ’11, “but thenI just went on my phone.”

“I didn’t want to just tell them theanswer,” said Steeply. “I try to makethe class interactive, you know, geteveryone involved. I don’t want to

  just talk at them for three hours aweek.” Steeply declined to tell TheCollegiate the answer to the ques-tion, saying, “I decided to make itextra credit for next class.”

rofessor Spends Entire Seminar Waiting For Extremely Specific Answer

uy In Front Of You In Potsticker Line Just ‘Nitpicky’

The class notes of Gary Heder ’11, written as his professor awaited an answer.

 ANTH 393 — SomethinSomething Drugs SometSex

 ARHS 254 — Columns, umns, Columns!

BIO 191 — Earwax Ana

BIO 392 — Senior Lab: ing God

INDS 212 — Hot ProfesLecture Series

MUSC 201 — StravinskyStravinsky, Stravinsky!

MUSC 391 — Inaccessib eory 

PHDS 185 — RacehorseMedicine

PHYS 108 — More ChaFilling an You’d Expec(QR)

PHYS 112 — Ramps, RaRamps!

PSCI 392 — Serious Me With Serious Beards

 WGS 241 — Eating: Ho When, and Why 

New Classes OffeNext Semester