4 1GT Monday February 22 2016 | the times

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COVER: GETTY IMAGES. BELOW: DAVID SANDISON FOR THE TIMES; GETTY IMAGES

It’s a Sunday lunchtime and awoman— 40-odd, attractivein a newsreader-on-her-day-offway — arrives hesitantly at arestaurant in London. She’salone because all her friends arespending the weekend at homewith their children, as they

usually do. Because this woman doesnot have any, nor necessarily wants tobe reminded of this fact by seeing herfriends with theirs, she has, once again,found herself at a loose end.Scanning the room, and recognising

nobody, she suppresses the impulse torun away. But they’re expecting her,this group of, in her mind’s eye,“weeping weirdos”; a tribe, she’sashamed to admit, she belongs to. Itwas a huge step, she tells me later,making contact at all.She had found Gateway Women one

evening after typing “childless” intoGoogle. The site was full of stories ofwomen such as her and she read themwith astonished relief. Eventually shearranged to join a meet-up. On thedreaded morning they sent her a text:“We’ll be sitting at the back on theleft.” She remembers thinking: “This isworse than internet dating.” Then,after a deep breath, she marched in.There are 66 Gateway meet-up

groups in Britain, hundreds aroundthe world, set up for women such asthe founder, Jody Day— childless, butnot through choice. There has been,she says, a lot written about that newconcept, “childfree” — women who’venever wanted children. But what aboutwomen such as Day, who had alwaysassumed she’d be a mother? Hardly aword. Rather suddenly, in her mid-forties, she realised that motherhood

wasn’t going to happen. Coming toterms with this took four years of “hell”.“I think there is still a large social

taboo about talking about it,” she says.“About the experience of not being amum when you had hoped to be, howhard it is to deal with, and how otherpeople perceive you— pushing back

against all of that.” She crowdfundedher first book on the subject; hersecond, Living the Life Unexpected,comes out this week, this time with abig international publisher behind it.“Twelve weeks to your Plan B for ameaningful and fulfilling life withoutchildren,” reads the strapline.

A sunny, vital Cambridge graduatewith a knockout wardrobe, Day hastwo master’s degrees, a gentle voicethat probably goes better with her newjob as a psychotherapist than it didwith her previous one as a businessconsultant, and a natural glow rarelyseen on a 51-year-old.Married in her twenties, Day

divorced in her thirties. She met a newman, but there were fertility problems.The couple discussed IVF andadoption while ignoring some glaringproblems in their relationship. “I’ll behonest, I was trying to make a badrelationship work.” She was 44,“middle-aged”, when they broke up.“And I knew that even if I were tomeet someone the next day, my timehad completely run out.”Day lives in a family-friendly,

villagey part of west London. On theway to her flat from the Tube station,I passed maternity-wear shops, aprimary school, yummy mummies,shock-resistant designer buggiesand cutesy children’s clothes stores— a nightmare if your dreams ofhaving children have collapsed.“As a childless woman, you become

sort of invisible,” she says. “And youinternalise all the stereotypes. Youthink, ‘That’s what I’ve got to lookforward to. I’m going to be miserable,shapeless, unsexy, on my own, lonely,probably wearing very thick glasses,shapeless tweed skirts and smellingslightly of cat pee.’ ”She shows me a page on her website.

A roll call of childless women, deadand alive, it includes Angela Merkel,Cameron Diaz, Dolly Parton, TraceyEmin, Iris Murdoch, Charlotte Brontë,Anjelica Houston, Maxine Peake,

Jody Day, who foundeda support networkfor childless women.Right: Helen Mirren,Renée Zellweger,Cameron Diaz, AngelaMerkel, Debbie Harryand Kim Cattrall

‘Mothers assume we have loads ofmoney, white sofas and lots of sex’One in four women won’t have had a child by the age of 45. For some, that’s a choice; others gothrough hell. It’s time we ended the taboo, the founder of a support group tells Stefanie Marsh

the times |Monday February 22 2016 1GT 5

times2whose husband had a vasectomywithout telling her; a married civilservant whose baby died; a singleaccountant who inadvertently leftit too late and now buries herselfin work to try to blot it out.“In my thirties,” one says, “I had

friends getting ‘accidentally onpurpose’ pregnant. I disapproved ofthat. But in retrospect? I should havebeen the woman who put the holein the condom.” There are womensoliciting advice on how to dealwith being expected to take upthe slack for mothers atwork; half-laughing aboutthe newspaper clippingstheir mothers send them,“about this woman who’s

90 and has had triplets”.A social worker explains the

disappointment that her Asianfamily can’t help but show about

her failure to reproduce.Many of them bear out one of Day’s

theories: “More women than men aregoing into higher education, so there’sa mismatch as there’s still the oldparadigm that women have to marrysomeone of the same status or up.Meanwhile, you have this thing: ‘Goout, be independent, have fun, don’tdepend on anyone — but then getmarried and have kids.’ That leavesa very small window.”Day continues: “My personality had

completely changed. I felt purposeless.I was completely passionless, erratic,exhausted, confused, directionless— Ididn’t know how to live the rest of mylife. I withdrew from my relationshipswith friends and family members. Isaw doctors, therapists— nobodyknew what was the matter with me.”

Then, aged 46, a coincidence.Reading a book on grief, Daythought: “Strange, this all feels very

familiar. It was such a relief: I’m notgoing mad. I’m grieving.”Is childlessness really still viewed so

negatively? “Yes, because of theanonymous comments I get at thebottom of every article and because ofwhat other childless women have toldme. Family members saying, ‘Whatwould you know? You’ve never beenable to keep a man. You’re not amother. You’re not a proper grown-up.’Childless women get left out of reallyimportant family discussions. I getsome quite aggressive men on theGateway forum saying, ‘It’s your fault,it’s feminism’s fault. Serves you right,you stupid, selfish cow.’ ”This incenses her. “Childless women

pay taxes towards hospitals, schools,all the facilities for parents and yetwhen we talk about ageing withoutchildren it’s, ‘You didn’t have children,so tough luck.’ And if you ask peoplewhy they had children, it’s becausethey wanted them. It’s a perfectlyselfish reason. It wasn’t because theywanted to repopulate the world. Andhave you never met a selfish parent?”Day suggests that childless women

in “the tunnel” allow themselves timeto grieve and perhaps rethink howthey organise their lives. She’s sad thather grief absorbed so much of her life.“But now I have a life I love. I’m aschool counsellor two days a week.Seven years ago it would’ve been tootraumatic to spend time in a primaryschool. It has been lovely to be ableto open that path without it hurting.“Childlessness was an irrevocable

loss. I think of it like an open woundand now it’s a scar. It’s a scar on myheart and I can live with a scar.”Living The Life Unexpected by JodyDay is published by Bluebird, £12.99

married and I didn’t. There’s this ideathat life would have been perfect if onlyI’d have been a mum. But motherhoodisn’t a free ticket to a life of happinessand perfection. It’s not our life pluschildren. It’s motherhood and all theguilt and worry that comes with it, andyou become ‘little Hugo’s mummy’.There’s resentment on both sides.“Mothers often assume that we have

this amazing life and loads of money,white sofas and lots of sex. Some mumscan feel quite insecure that theirchildless friends seem quite interestingand intellectual. If a mother doesn’twork, there will be people who infer:‘All you’ve done is raise three kids?’ ”She tells me a bit more of her story:

“Seven years ago, I was pretty muchon the floor. And I couldn’t talk aboutit. People would say, ‘You’re so young,you’ll meet someone.’ Or, ‘Don’t besad. Think of all the advantages.’ Butwhat’s wrong with being sad? You aresad. What you need is empathy. If youhad a family and they died and peoplesaid ‘Don’t be sad’, you’d really becrossing a line. But it’s not acceptableto be sad about not ever having hadthat family. Which is why I didn’t knowI was grieving for a very long time.”About an hour into the Sunday

meet-up the newsreadery woman isrelaxing into it. There are all sorts ofwomen here: a landscape gardener

No 5 is: “Thinking that wedon’t want children becauseof our own difficult childhoods beforerealising too late that we were notcondemned to repeat this with ourown children.” The list goes on.Day remembers clearly writing her

first post in April 2011. “I wrote aboutsomething called ‘the tunnel’— it’swhen your life is narrowing down anddown and you feel like you’re stuckin this tunnel. And you can’t moveforward and you can’t move back andbehind you is every bad or faileddecision, every relationship that’s gonewrong. And ahead of you is darkness.“I felt that in some way I was a

failed woman. That’s what a lot ofpeople assume and that’s what a lot ofchildless women internalise. There is asense of deficit, of weirdness. Eithershe’s happy and selfish and living anamazing life or she’s bitter and twisted,and going home and mainliningantidepressants. Which is extraordinary;as if those are the only two options.”Friendships suffered, mostly with

those who had “collapsed theiridentity into being a mother”. It’s nota criticism. “I would have been one ofthem: little ‘so and so’ as my Facebookprofile picture; Mini Boden; boring forBritain about my children.”Day goes on. “There’s this idea that

female friendships can surviveanything, but it’s not possible to bereally honest— about the fact thatI’m envious of you, that it’s so f***ingunfair that you met someone and got

Men’sidentityis not sowrappedup infatherhood

Frida Kahlo, Maria Callas, PJHarvey, Helen Mirren, ClareBalding, Theresa May, NicolaSturgeon, Kathy Burke, DebbieHarry and Kim Cattrall. “I thinkwomen are really looking for a solididentity,” she says. “And if you’re not amother, there isn’t any alternative thathas the same kind of status.”Day’s articles examine some of the

often hard-to-pin-down shadow sidesof childlessness in articulate andcompassionate detail. “Still Hopeful—But The Hope Is Killing Me,” readsone headline. “Grieving For The LifeUnlived” says another. “I probablywouldn’t have started the website if Ihad someone to talk to.” Day grins andsays: “I felt like the only f***ingchildless woman in the world.”Her situation, rarely portrayed

in books, films or the media, isn’tuncommon. About 25 per cent ofthe population is ageing withoutchildren, that figure split equallybetween men and women. Thestereotypes surrounding childlessnessvary according to gender, she says.“Men’s identity is not so wrapped upwith fatherhood but then childlessmen have that additional thing thatthey must be paedophiles.”The post titled “50 Ways Not To Be

A Mother” on Day’s blog has the mostcomments. Number three is “Notmeeting a suitable partner until we’repast our childbearing years”; 11 is: “Notmaking motherhood a priority andexpecting it just to ‘happen’ one day”;

The no-kids club