Thinking

Parenting about

How will you make good childhood memories for your kids?

We all want the best for our kids

•Whatwasitlikeforyouwhenyouweregrowingup?

•Howdidyourparentsdisciplineyou?

•Howdidthatmakeyoufeel?

•Didthathelpyoutobehavebetter?

•Howhasitaffectedthewayyouparent?

My father told me that he will know the result of his work when I have children.”

I’d like our kids to:

Imagine them when they’re 5, 15, or 30 years old…

•Whatkindofpeoplewilltheybe?

•Whatwilltheytelltheirkidsabouthowitwasforthemgrowingup?

Create moments Shape destinies Make memories

What happens during childhood influences how you act when you become a parent

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What are my kids learning from me?

Parentsaresometimestoohardandinflexible(rock).

Everyone has their own style of parenting

The rock

Sometimesparentsmightgiveintooeasily(paper).

The paper

Afairandfirmstyle(tree)flexiblewhenappropriatebutstrongandgroundedwhenneeded.

The tree

Somewhere in between is what works best for kids.

� Visit www.skip.org.nz to read more about parenting styles and how they affect the way children behave.

Take the parenting styles quiz. Are you more rock, tree or paper?

Parent tip

“Don’t worry that

children never listen to

you, worry that they are

always watching you.”

Robert Fulghum

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What does fair and firm

•Thereareafewrules,thatareexplainedanddiscussedwithchildren.

•Childrenareguidedandsupportedtokeepthefamilyrules.

• Eachchild’sage,stageandtemperamentareconsidered.

• Therearereasonableandrelatedconsequencesforbreakingthefamilyrules.

• Youcatchthembeinggood,andtellthemwhatyoulikeandwhyyoulikeit!

parenting look like?

Keep consequences focused on learning, not punishment.”

Behave in the same way you want your children to.”

What are some of your fair and firm family rules?

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Things to think

Childrenaremorelikelytobeconfident,motivated,communicativeandrespectfulwhenparentsarefairandfirm.

Whenparentsarebusy,tiredorfeelingstresseditcanbehard.Butrememberit’snotyourkids’faultifyou’vehadabadday.

• It’soktodislikesomethingyourchilddoes;butrememberit’sthebehaviouryoudon’tlike,notthekid.

• Showyourchildrenwhatyouwantthemtodo,andifyouneedto,showthemagain.

• Thinkabouthowyoulearnedtodonewthings.Notmanyofusgetitrightthefirsttime.

about and try

If something else is going on I’ll snap much more easily.”

Nobody yells at me when I spill my coffee at work - why do I yell when my girl spills her drink?”

If we’ve had a hard day together, I go and sit in his room when he’s gone to sleep. Then I remember how much I love him.”

Parent tip

“Tell them

you love them

often.”

Choosing the firm and fair style

Some ideas

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• Sayingwhatyouwantthemtodoratherthanwhatyoudon’twant.

•Givingreasonswhyyouhaveafamilyruleandhowotherscouldbeaffectedbytheirbehaviour.

Kapai Ruby! Sitting and eating! Thank you!”

Please sit down when you’re eating.”

Okay, I’ll put your food in the fridge until you’re ready to sit down.”

So you don’t choke on your bread, and crumbs don’t go everywhere.”

Try

Parent tip“You can learn many things from children, for instance how much patience you have.”

Parent tipTry and say five positive things for every negative one!

•Notice,praiseandthankthemwhentheydowhatyouask.

• Explainwhatwillhappenifalimitoraboundaryisbroken.Speakcalmlyandfollowthroughwithaconsequencethatisreasonableandrelated.

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How could you make your house more kid-friendly?

•Whenasmallchildtouches,shakes,bangs,dropsorputsthingsintheirmouththeyaren’tbeingnaughty.Thisishowtheylearnaboutstuff.

• Theyneedtorepeatthingsoverandoveragainsotheirbrainmakesallthenecessaryconnectionsitneedsforlife-longlearning.

•Movethethingsyoudon’twantkidstotouch.Childrenlearnbestwhentheyareallowedtoexploresafely.

Children are born to learn

Act quickly

Let them explore

•Whenyouseebehaviourthatisnotsafe,orthatyoudon’tlike,becalmandactquickly.Distractthem.Ifyoukeepgivingwarningsandthenyellatthem,they’lllearntowaituntilyoustartyellingbeforetheyrespond.

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• Letyourchildknowachangeiscoming.

What are some things that might help you avoid problems?

Avoiding problemsbefore they start

• Balancethedaysokidsgetamixtureofactivity,rest,timewithothers,timealone,andsometimewithyou.

•Watchtheirbehaviourforsignsthatachangemightbeneeded.Noticethegrizzling,fightingorwhining.

Parent tip“A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.”

Rudolf Dreikurs

Plan ahead

Each child is different

After I’ve finished these dishes, it’s bedtime.”

•Keepexpectationsreasonableforyourchild’sageandpersonality.

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What things can you do together this week?

•Don’tpickafightthatyoucan’twin!Children’seating,sleepingandtoiletinghabitscancausealotofstressbutyoucan’tmakethemdothingsyourway.Youneedthemtocooperate.

•Watchforsomesignsofreadiness–

- Eating:aretheymoreinterestedwhengivenaspoonthemselves?

- Tired:aretheystartingtorubtheireyes,sucktheirthumb?

- Toiletlearning:aretheytellingyouwhentheyneedanappychange?

•Havingroutineshelpschildrentoanticipatewhat’shappeningnext.

Parent tipGive them simple choices:

“Red socks or blue

socks?”

“Marmite or jam?”

Acknowledge their feelings

Avoid power struggles

I think because we’d sung ‘Moe Moe Pe-pi’ to Ella every time we put her to bed, it became a little sign to her that meant sleep time now, she’d start and suck her thumb and away she’d go.”

•Thinkabouthowyouliketobetreatedwhenyou’refeelingupset.

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It’s important you show your children you love them as soon as possible after you’ve had some trouble. Maybethey’vehadatantrumandthenyou’velostyourtemper.Kissandmakeupassoonaspossibleafterwards,ithelpseveryonefeelbetter.

Andit’sokaytosaysorrytothemtooifyoumisbehave–you’remodellingwhatyouwantyourchildrentodo.

Parents make mistakes too

We saw early on that our different ways of parenting our son really affected his behaviour. We agreed to be more consistent, more united and we’ve never looked back.”

I’d like my children to want to come and spend time with me when I’m old.”

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We’re good at:

•Chooseacoupleofnewstrategiestotryoutfirstandstickwiththoseforacoupleofweeksbeforeaddinganynewones.

•Don’tbetoohardonyourself–somedaysyou’llgobacktoyouroldhabitswithoutthinking.

• Lookforotherswhowanttomakechangesinthewaytheyparenttoo.Supporteachother.

• Takeitslowly–lastingchangetakestimeandpractice.

• Talkwithfamilymembersorotherparentsandfriends.

• Rewardyourselfwhenyouareconsistentwithyournewstrategies.

• Time,effort,patienceandpersistencewillbringtheirrewards.

Na- to- rourou, na- taku rourou ka ora ai te iwi

(With your food basket and my food basket the people will thrive.)

Trying outsome new ideas

We always have a choice about the way we parent our kids.”

Things that might help

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� Find out more at skip.org.nz or visit facebook.com/SKIPcommunity