When my Sister Passed away, A gaping hole appeared in my memories.

The Strong, Neurotic, Vibrant and Frustrating Girl I've always known, in a flash, Had quickly DisappeareD.

The Shock Created by Her DEATH blew away, Like sand, that cherished portrait I've Held in my mind.

IT was replaced by the cold image of her burial casket...FInal and quiet.

copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

Would it always be this way?

I didn't know.

copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

in what seemed like An Endlessly frozen sad moment, my thoughts were held captive by her grave.

I was haunted; Not by Kim's ghost, but by my own grief.

I couldn't move on.

And I needed to.

I Desperately needed to.

Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

but how?

I had no Clue.

All I Can See were Scenes like this:

Seeing kim for the first time, after her body was brought back from Africa.

Everything about that experience - The Funeral Home, The viewing room, Even Kim's corpse - had a false aura of antiquated sterility.

Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

Kim's cadaver Told us The horrible story of her trauma from the bus accident that took her life:

the unusually high sutures from her autoposy.

It was the first thing my crying mother mentioned.

There was some trouble with finding a funeral dress to cover that scar.

The blanket covered the many deep bruises and wounds that her body never had the opportunity to heal.

All we could really do was just stand there in numb shock ... dumbfounded. There was nothing to do, except to just blankly take in the instructions from the funeral staff.

"What did they do to Her? What did They do?"

Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

The months that followed her funeral did nothing to stem the overwhelming grief.

I vainly attempted to recapture the closeness my sister and i once shared.

What seemed like the easiest, most obvious way back to that lost intimacy, was kim's numerous diaries.

she obsessively JouRNALED for most of her life. I felt fortunate to have an opportunity to communicate with her in some way.

Although My wife openly worried that this was an invasion of Kim's privacy, I was desperate to reconnect with my dead sister, I ignored any misgivngs, and dove in.

copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

Here's One Passage i keep coming back to:

When I founD out That My Best friend from Jr. high school Had committed suicide, I did not know how to let out my grief.

She Was Beautiful, one of the purest & Loving women i have ever known.

her name was frances.

Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

we had lost touch in high school, but she called me up while i was running for asb.

She told me was getting married and asked if i could be her maid of honor. I said yes.

she asked if we could talk, but i told her I was busy with the election and it wasn't the best time right now.

a few days later, she called and asked again. I gave her the same reply.

a week and a half later, I was at school and a friend called me out of class.

"kim," he said in one of those tones that you knew something bad happened. "Frances killed herself yesterday."

"Yeah right," I walked away laughing, but deep down inside i knew it was true.

he grabbed my arm and said "She shot herself in the head."

"They weren't able to save the baby."

CopyRight 2013 - Ken Perez

Later That Night, I spent the night at my brother's apartment.

When He went to sleep, I spontaneously put on an Enya CD, turned off all the lights and danced Passionately.

It could have been for hours, I was in a zone of expression, and time had no relevance there.

i danced and danced and danced until i had no more strength and lay on the floor.

and it was at that moment that my sorrow could finally come out. it was like a dam exploded.

I sobbed the rest of the night til sunrise.

Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez