Who the hell is Mandy Flombay?

KooK

Issue 1

All hail the bad ass - Donita Sparks

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Page 2 Where are they now? L7’s Donita Sparks

Page 3-4 Who the hell is Mandy Flombay?

Page 5-6 The Inaugural KooK Music Player Challenge

Page 7 Bring back the hand!

Welcome to KooK

ContentsThe KooK office hard at work

In a recent dazed moment, an idea came to me: I should write my own zine! I could write about anything I like and perhaps even meet some like-minded people as a result. Obviously it would be great if people read it, but if it happens to end up on the floor of old Barry the budgerigar’s cage, then so be it. So here it is, the very first issue of KooK!

Hopefully KooK will put a smile on your dial whilst introducing you to some of the people, places and things I love. I write about extremely dull technical things by day, and this project stops me from going postal! I’m not trying to make any grand statements or tell anyone what they should think … I’m also definitely not a graphic designer, so be kind!

In this first issue, you’ll meet my good mate Mandy Flombay. She reckons she’ll buy me a case of beer if I flog her book so she obviously gets a double page spread. There’s also a feature on our first ever cover girl Donita Sparks.

Feel free to send fan mail to kookzine@hotmail.com

X Ed (definitely not Mr …)

Where Are They Now?

Donita Sparks

Thankfully for freaky fans like myself,

Donita has decided to go solo. She’s

recorded a new album, and with a

new band that includes L7’s drummer

Dee Plakas, has been gigging quite

regularly around Los Angeles.

World Wide Donita

You can check out the video for

a new Donita track called Infancy

Of A Disaster on YouTube. She

also writes a weekly blog on

www.firelakedog.com

To get the latest and greatest Donita

news and find direct links to the sites

mentioned above, visit Donita’s web

site at www.donitasparks.com

“Best of all, my Mum

thought she looked

like the Antichrist.”

In 2000, L7 announced to the

world that they were taking an

‘indefinite hiatus’, much to the

disappointment of their many

dedicated fans around the

world. For over 15 years they

both thrilled and offended with

their classic anthems, energetic

live shows and crazy antics.

From their founding of Rock For

Choice, to their appearance as

‘Camel Lips’ in the John Water’s

film Serial Mom, L7 were a band

of four fine, hard rockin’ ladies

that thankfully never took

themselves too seriously.

I discovered L7 at 16, which was a

perfect time considering all I wanted

to do at that age was play guitar

and piss off my parents. My love of

L7 had a lot to do with the band’s

co-founder, singer and flying V,

axe-wielding guitarist Donita Sparks.

She looked cool, she could play

guitar like a demon, she wrote

hilarious lyrics, she pulled her pants

down and flashed the world on

British TV and best of all, my Mum

thought she looked like the

Antichrist. Let’s face it, when I was

16, I wanted to BE Donita Sparks

and perhaps even 15 years later,

I probably still do.

Does feeding Jamie Oliver through a pasta maker sound appealing? Do you reach for your biggest kitchen knife in frustration at the mere mention of beef cheeks? Or perhaps you’d prefer to be chugging down a can of UDL than wasting precious drinking time in the kitchen? If you answered yes to these questions, then Mandy Flombay thinks you rock!

In her book, The Unknown Chef: As Not Seen on TV, Mandy shows that whipping up tasty food can be done without being a fancy pants snob. You certainly won’t find a recipe for <insert toffy yupster voice> warm salad of roasted squash, prosciutto and pecorino. However, you certainly will find that Mandy’s good at spinning a yarn and discover an interesting new way to prepare roast chicken, using a half drunk VB can up the duff. Now THAT is classy stuff.

I personally can’t cook to save myself and I even managed to make something out of Mandy’s book and keep it down. In fact if you can’t find a recipe in Mandy’s book that floats your boat, you probably need a hard thwack with a wooden spoon, just like most celebrity chefs do!

I managed to track down the elusive and mysterious Mandy Flombay, who found time between recovering from a cask wine hangover and snogging her latest shag Gaz (get a room … seriously), to answer these hard-hitting questions for KooK.

Who the hell is Mandy Flombay?

Do you have any hot dating tips and what would you cook if you were trying to get someone in the sack?Alright, people, listen up cos I’m only gonna say this once: dating is for sissies. Forget all this how to date, how not to date bollocks, and just walk up to someone and HAVE A CRACK. You’ve got nothing to lose, especially not dignity - you gotta get rid of dignity early on, you know, or else it’s just gonna hold you back. As for what to cook, it doesn’t really matter, as long as you do it drunk, and in the nude. Although DON’T FORGET THE OVEN MITTS, and watch your downstairs area when you’re lighting the gas rings.

What’s your idea of a good night out?Bourbon and Coke, pub dinner, bourbon and Coke, massive gig, bourbon and Coke (etc.), hot shag, 4 am Flombay pancakes, neat vodka, crash out.

Finally, Mandy can we look forward to another book?Gotta keep it hush-hush right now, but one idea I’m working on is called Shut Up & Get Over Yourself: Self-Help For Self- Obsessed Idiots. Weirdly, no publishers have called me back yet, but it’s probably cos they’re so blown away by the idea they have to save up money to give me a massive advance.

Firstly, Mandy why do you keep your identity a secret? Do you have a disfiguring physical deformity or are you trying to rip off that Rob the dentist guy? Deformity? Are you kidding? I’m one hot rock chick, but the last thing I need is to be hassled by crazy people on the street wanting to get a piece of me, you know. Anyway, I’m the UNKNOWN chef, and I’ll stay that way until someone pulls some sense out of their arse and gives me my own TV show.

Are there any celebrity chefs that you don’t actually want to thwack with a wooden spoon? That Hewey guy’s alright. He uses heaps of butter, and that’s the Flombay way. And there’s this dude called Luke Mangan, who is pretty fancypants most of the time but just kind of looks like a bruiser and a bit cranky — like he’s gone three rounds with a shitty customer, you know. You gotta give him cred for that.

If the Flombays get together for a shindig, what’s cooking? Usually the barbie. Mum Flombay will marinate anything that moves. She nearly marinated the next door neighbours’ chihuahua once — pity she only got as far as a preliminary baste, cos that yapping really gets on my tits.

It’s quite obvious that you’re a rock chick Mandy. What bands make you pull out the air guitar? Well, you’ve got ‘80s classics: Bon Jovi, Skid Row, even a bit of Whitesnake. Gunners, too, of course. These days it’s Dallas Crane, or Wolfmother. I want big solos, big riffs and, if possible, big hair.

Mandy’s book is published by New Holland and is available wherever good books are sold.

Connect with Mandy at www.myspace.com/mandyflombay

“I’m the UNKNOWN

chef, and I’ll stay that

way until someone

pulls some sense out

of their arse and gives

me my own TV show.”

I have managed to resist the overwhelming urge to buy an iPOD. This is despite everyone I know telling me how their iPOD has changed their life and how cool the random function is. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “Oh my god, it just knows what to play”, this magazine would be in colour.

Admittedly, I have witnessed spooky random play list phenomena. I once met a very talented iPOD who was frequently called upon to give tarot like readings to family and friends. This iPOD got me thinking. What if a question is asked right before the random button is hit? Could this influence the choice of songs played? Could we make math nerds arguing about the random function’s algorithm, spontaneously combust in horror with our theory? And is this a phenomenon specific to the iPOD or do other digital players display equally spooky abilities?

We found two digital music player owners who declared their musical taste as “liking a bit of everything” to help put this theory to the test. To give the battle some authority, I dressed as Chairman Kaga from Iron Chef to preside over the following proceedings …

Whose playlist will reign supreme?

Question: Should we be worried about climate change or is the world going to end in like 5 years anyway?

V

Free Shit! Ask your music player the same question we asked above, hit the random button five times and send us an email with your playlist. The person who sends in the best playlist as judged by the Kook office, will win their very own autographed copy of Mandy Flombay’s book!

Apple iPOD VideoOwner: JustinCapacity: 80GB

Playlist1. Time Has Told Me Nick Drake2. Check ‘em A.Skills & Krafty Kuts 3. Whatever, Whenever Groove Armada 4. Seed Korn 5. Champagne Supernova Oasis

VerdictI think the general vibe here is like ... whatever! Yes of course the world is going to end but you’re not going to know when. Go out in style! The Apple iPOD delivers a punch right out of the bag. Can the Creative Zen come back from certain defeat?

Creative Zen Vision MOwner: Julie Capacity: 30GB

Playlist1. Leave You Behind Sleater Kinney 2. Where Did You Sleep Last Night Nirvana3. Hellbound The Breeders4. Dig For Fire The Pixies 5. Narcosis Tomahawk

VerdictLooks like it’ll be an interesting journey to hell but good news … we’ll be wasted! The Creative Zen comes back with a punishing counter attack to draw the tie. Disturbingly when my niece asked if she’d have big boobs, it spat out On The Verge by Le Tigre …

My daily commute to and from work takes me into some of Sydney’s worst gridlock and steals roughly two precious hours out of my day. I’ve witnessed amazing displays of impatient, reckless driving and sadly, an increasing disregard for other road users.

However, the most distressing thing I have seen is the virtual disappearance of a once common sight on our roads – the “thank you for letting me in” hand. That’s right, the thank you hand seems to have gone the way of the poor dodo bird. I’m not talking about the dodo bird that Tara Reid’s cracking onto in that TV commercial either …

So, if you are a concerned motorist equally incensed by this disturbing turn of events, I urge you to cut out this truly cheap ass attempt at a bumper sticker, stick it on your car, and help bring back the hand!

The power is in your hands ... literally!

Many Thanks: My Big Sis and the girls, Ma & Pa, Adrian, Justin, Rochelle, Emma, Belinda, ‘Just Hickie’, Katy, Kymbo, Mandy Flombay and the expensive printer at work …

Visit us online at www.myspace.com/kookzine

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