lang. of lst-rela

7/31/2019 Lang. of Lst-rela

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LANGUAGE OF LASTING

RELATIONSHIP

THE LOVE LANGUAGES

-- Either we fall in love and marry or marryand then fall in love.

-- Average span of romantic obsession istwo years.

Dr. Dorothy Tenor, Psychologist


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-- Eventually, however, we alldescend from the clouds andsee the warts of the other

person.

-- Dr. M. Scott Peck, Psychiatrist &

Dr. Tenor have concluded that thein love experience should not be

called love at all; Reasons


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i. Falling in love is not an act of will orconscious choice. No matter how much

we may fall in love, we cannot make ithappen.

ii. Fall in love is not real love because it is

effortless. What we do in love staterequires little discipline or conscious efforton our part.

iii. One who is in love is not genuinelyinterested in fostering the personal growthof the other person.


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Success rate of marriages in USA

40% of the 1st marriages, 60% secondmarriages and 75% of the 3rd marriages endin divorce.

What is the solution then

Pursue real love with your spouse though emotional in nature but notobsessional. It is a love that unites,


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reason & emotion & hence an important

aspect of EQ fostering lasting relationship.

It involves our act of will and requiresdiscipline. Our basic emotional need is not

to fall in love but to be genuinely loved byanother, to know a love that grows out ofreason and choice, not instinct. That kind of

love requires effort and discipline. In fact,true love cannot begin until the in loveexperience has run its course.


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1. Words of Affirmation:

- I can live for two months on a goodcompliment.

- Mark Twain

- The object of love is not getting somethingyou want but doing something for the wellbeing of the one you love. When we

receive affirming words we are motivatedto reciprocate and do something ourspouse desires.


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- Encouraging Words Encourage InspireCourage.

- Lifes deepest meaning is not found inaccomplishments but in relationships.

- Encouragement requires empathy andseeing the world from your spouses

perspective. We must first learn what isimportant to our spouse.


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- What holds us back is often courage. Aloving spouse can supply that all important

catalyst.

- Kind Words. Love is kind.

- I love you. I love you? The question markchanges the meaning.

- A soft answer turns away anger An ancient sage.


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- Love doesnt keep a score ofwrongs.

- Love doesnt bring-up past failures.

- Forgiveness is the way of love.

- I am amazed by how manyindividuals mess-up every new day

with yesterday Dr. Chapman.


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-- If we are to develop an intimate relationshipwe need to know each others desires. If we

wish to love each other, we need to knowwhat the other person wants.

-- Forgiveness is not a feeling it is acommitment.

-- Together we will go on from here.


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Humble Words:

Love makes requests, not

demands.

When I demand things from myspouse, I become a parent and she

is the child. In marriage we areequal adult partners.


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-- When you are given public honour forone of your accomplishments be sure

to share the credit with your spouse.-- The key is to express verbal

appreciation for the things you like

about the other person and for themoment suspending yourcomplaints about the things you do

not like.-- The love language of one person is

not necessarily the love language of

another.


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2. Quality Time:

Giving someone your undivided attention

(not watching TV together)

-- Looking at each other and talking (20minutes of life). It is powerful

emotional communication of love.

-- Taking a walk just two of you.


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A central aspect of quality time istogetherness;

- I want her to be happy, and I want toenjoy life with her and the children.

- Togetherness has to do with

focussed attention.- Father rolling the ball to the 2 year old.


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- Our spending time together in acommon pursuit communicatethat we care about each other,that we enjoy being with each

other, that we like to do thingstogether.


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Quality Conversation:

Where two individuals are sharing

their experiences, thoughts,

feelings, and desires in a friendly,uninterrupted context.


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-- Many of us .. Are trained toanalyse problems and create solutions.

We forget that marriage is arelationship, not a project to becompleted or a problem to solve.

i) Maintain eye contact when your

spouse is talking indicates fullattention.


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ii. Do not listen to your spouse anddo something else at the same

time undivided attention.

iii. Listen for feelings what emotion

my spouse is experiencing? Itsounds to me like you are feelingdisappointed because I forgot . . .

. . . . . . . . .


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-- gives you chance to clarify yourfeelings and communicates that

you are listening intently.

iv. Observe body languageclenched fists, trembling hands,tears, furrowed brows and eye

movement gives the clue what theother is feeling.


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v. Refuse to interrupt Recentresearch indicates that the average

individual listens for only seventeenseconds before interrupting and

interjecting his own ideas.


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Learning to Talk:

I wish my husband would talk. I

never know what he is thinking or

feeling she is pleading forintimacy, she wants to feel close toher husband.


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- In each of lifes events, we haveemotions, thoughts, desires and

eventually actions. It is theexperience of that process that we

call self-revelation. If you chooseto learn the love dialect of qualityconversation, that is the learning

road you must follow.


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Personality Types

Dead Sea Babbling Brook

- Many times a Dead Sea marries a

Babbling brook. That happens

because when they are dating, it isa very attractive match.


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Our way to learn new patterns is toestablish a daily sharing time in

which each of you will talk aboutthree things that happened to you

that day and how you feel aboutthem.

-- This is the daily minimumrequirement for a healthy marriage.


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Quality Activities:

I feel most loved by my husband / wife

when ________, we do things together,

we talk more. It sort of feels like weare dating again or starting our life. Inlove language of Quality Time the

emphasis is on being together doingthings together, giving each otherundivided attention.


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He cares about me. He was willing to dosomething with me that I enjoy and he did it

with a positive attitude that is love and it isloves loudest voice.

One of the by-products of quality activities isthat they provide a MEMORY BANK fromwhich to draw in the years ahead. They arememories of love. The essential ingredientsin a quality activity are -


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i. At least one of you want to do it

ii. The other is willing to do it.

iii. Both of you know why you are

doing it to express love by being

together.


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3. Receiving Gifts:

If your spouses primary love

language is receiving gifts, you can

become a proficient gift giver. Infact, it is one of the easiest lovelanguages to learn.

Gift & M


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Gifts & Money:

- If you are to become an effective gift

giver you may have to change yourattitude about money.

- If you are a spender, you will havelittle difficulty purchasing gifts for your

spouse. But, if you are a saver, you

will experience emotional resistanceto the idea of spending money as an

expression of love.


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- By saving and investing money you arepurchasing self worth and emotional

security. What you are not doing ismeeting the emotional needs of yourspouse.

- If you discover that your spouses lovelanguage is receiving gifts thanpurchasing gifts for her/him is the least

investment you can make.


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- When both persons emotionalneeds are met, your marriage will

take on a whole new dimension.

- Dont worry about your savings.You will be a saver, but to invest inloving your spouse is to invest in

blue chip stocks.


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The Gift of Self Physical presence in thetime of crisis is the most powerful gift you

can give if your spouses primary lovelanguage is receiving gifts.

Gifts need not be expensive nor must theybe weekly. But for some individuals, theirworth has nothing to do with monetary valueand everything to do with love.

Unless it is greatly out of line with what you

can afford.


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4. Acts of Service:

- Doing things you know your

spouse would like you to do to

express your love for her by doing

things for her.- They require thought, planning,

time, effort and energy and if done

with a positive spirit they areindeed expression of love.


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- Serve one another in love ApostlePaul

- Requests give direction to love, butdemands stop the flow of love.

- Love is always freely given. Lovecannot be demanded.

- What we do for each other before

marriage is not indication of what wewill do after marriage.


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-- Before marriage, we are carriedalong by the force of the in love

obsession. After marriage ouractions are influenced by our

parents, our personality, ourperception of love, our emotions,needs and desires it will not be

the same behaviour when we werein love.


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- Criticism and demands tend to drivewedges.

- People tend to criticize their spousemost loudly in the area where theythemselves have the deepest

emotional needs.

- Due to sociological changes there is nolonger a common stereotype of the

male and female role in society.


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- Overcoming stereotypes Before thedays of television a persons idea of

what a husband and wife should do orthe way they should relate was guidedby ones parents. Now guided by

forces outside the home.

- What can I do to help you this evening?


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5. Physical Touch:

- Physical touch can make or break a

relationship. It can communicate hate

or love.

- The body is for touching.

- If your spouses primary love language

is physical touch, nothing is moreimportant than holding her as she cries.


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- Babies who are held, hugged and kisseddevelop a healthier emotional life than those

who are left for long periods of time withoutphysical contact.

- Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for

communicating marital love. Holding hands,kissing, embracing, etc. etc., are all ways ofcommunicating emotional love to ones

spouse. For some individuals, physical

touch is their primary love language.Without it they feel unloved.


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- Old timers used to say, the way to amans heart is through his stomach

many a man has been made to gainweight by women who believe thisphilosophy.

- Dr. Chapman, my wife is a gourmetcook. She spends hours in the kitchen.I told her she is wasting her time. I like

simple food. She gets hurt and tells Idont appreciate her.


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- In marriage, the touch of love maytake many forms. Since touch

receptors are located through outthe body, lovingly touching your

spouse almost anywhere can be anexpression of love.


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Discovering your Primary LoveLanguage:

Most problems in marriage relate tomeeting emotional needs of beingloved, admired and appreciated.

What have I most often requested of myspouse?


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iii. In what way do you regularly express loveto your spouse.

Also write down what you think is the primarylove language of your spouse. You may

also list the other 4 in order of importance, ifyou wish sit down with your spouse anddiscuss what you guessed to be his/herprimary love language. Then tell each otherwhat you consider to be your primary lovelanguage.


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Once you have shared that

information, you may consider to

play the following game three times

a week for three weeks.


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The game is called TANK CHECK

On a scale of 0 to 10 how is your love

tank this evening when you come

home.

I am full of love and cannot handle

anymore.Or your spouse says what could I do to

fill it.


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Then you make a suggestionsomething you would like your spouse

to do or say that evening, to the best ofhis ability, he will respond to yourrequest. Then you repeat the process

in the reverse order.

If you play the game for three weeks, you

will be hooked on it.


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Listen carefully the love you feelwhen your wife expresses love by

physical touch is the same loveyour wife feels when you do the

laundry or go to the market to buyvegetables.

O S C O C


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LOVE IS A CHOICE

How can we speak each others Love

Language when we are full of hurt,

anger and resentments over past

failures?Marriages are rescued from the brink

of divorce when couples make the

choice to love.


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Love doesnt erase the past. But it makes the

future different.

Meeting my wifes need for love

is a choice I make each day. If I know

her primary love language and choose tospeak it

her deepest emotional needs will be met and

she will be secure in my love

L M k th Diff


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Love Makes the Difference:

- Love is not our only emotional needs.Psychologists have observed that amongour basic needs are the need for security,

self worth and significance. Love however,interfaces with all those.

- If I feel loved by my spouse, I can relax. I

feel secure in his/her presence.

Aft ll if h / h l I t b th


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- After all if he/she loves me, I must be worthloving. His/her love builds my self-esteem.

- If someone loves me, I must havesignificance.

- I am significant. Life has meaning. Whenmy spouse lovingly invests time, energy and

effort in me, I believe that I am significant.

I th t t f i if d t f l


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In the context of marriage, if we do not feelloved our differences are magnified. We

come to view each other as a threat tohappiness. We fight for self-worth andsignificance and marriage becomes abattlefield rather than a heaven.

Can emotional love be learnt in a marriage?You bet the key is to learn the primary lovelanguage of your spouse and choose to

speak it.

This is the path to eternal bliss.

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