leaving my luggage at the door

Leaving My Luggage At The Door Kanita R. Hilliard-Stuart

I


II

Leaving My

Luggage at the

Door

Kanita Hilliard-Stuart


III

Dedication

I would like to dedicate my very first book to my latest and

my greatest inspiration!

“Thank you”


IV

Copyright © 2011 by Kanita Hilliard-Stuart

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced

in any form or by electronic or mechanical means including

information storage systems and retrieval systems – except

in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles

or reviews – without written permission from its publisher,

One Tale Publishing.

Published By One Tale Publishing

ISBN # 978-09742700-6-7

For information on book orders, speaking engagements

please e-mail Mrs. Hilliard Stuart at

[email protected] or go to

www.onetalepublishing.com

mailto:[email protected]


V

Special Thanks & Acknowledgements

Above all others, a very special “Thank You God” for

saving me! Your grace & mercy is tremendous. I Thank

You for sending Your Son, Jesus Christ, as confirmation of

the endless love You have for me. I honor You with my

entire being for You are worthy of so much more than I can

offer. You have blessed me with a gift, and for that, I give

you nothing but totalprayze.

To my family, thank you for your love and support. I

would not have been able to accomplish this without your

encouragement. I appreciate you more than you know.

Each of you has instilled a part of you inside of me. My

parents, Lionell Sr. & Virginia Hilliard, the best parents

ever. If it weren’t for you, of course, I wouldn’t be here,

but God had something great in mind when he gave me to

you. Everything I am, from my characteristics to my

personality, my entire being is the both of you. My

support/management/bodyguards, you name it, big brothers

Lionell Jr. & John Hilliard. You are the reason tLs

productions exists. Thank you for that title, the support

and the encouragement


VI

In Loving Memory

Novella McAfee

Jackie McAfee

John & Laura Hilliard

Paul Hilliard

Percy & John Evelyn Lewis

Harry “Pee-Wee” Wilson

James Harrison

“I miss you all so very much”


VII

I was forced to grow up very fast when I was younger.

Unlike my peers, I had to make some serious life changing

decisions. Not all were in my best interest but I realized

that everything happens for a reason. Every situation, God

has a specific lesson to be learned. He uses those

experiences to enable us to become a testimony. An

example of how we made it through. In order to receive

true victory, we must first go through something. Thank

God I went through a lot and He found enough favor in me

to promote me to the next level; however, I had a lot

baggage I needed to get rid of. Emotional baggage. There

is always a story behind God’s glory, and this is my story

of how I made it through. This collection of my life is a

sense of cleansing, mostly written way before my calling to

the ministry. God has something great in store for me and

in order for me to receive it; I must first cleanse my soul

and leave my luggage at the door.


VIII

Journal Entry 1

Thought #1 4

Chapter One “Going Through”

I Can't Think 6

Wake Up 7

Why Me 8

Affection 9

I Need To Know 10

Storm 11

Talk To Me 13

For You I Would 14

His Soul Mate 16

Numb 19

I'm Tired 21

Maybe 23

3:00 AM 24

Untitled 25

What Would You Do 26

Almost 27

Rollercoaster 28


IX

Separation 30

Separation II 31

Renewal 32

Journal Entry 33

Thought #2

Chapter Two “Me”

Don't Let Go 36

Where Did She Go 37

Average 38

Beautiful 40

Sexy & Thick 41

We Just Got It Like That 43

It's Time 44

Definition of Emoetry 45

Let Me Be Me 46

I Know (What it's like) 47

Wow... 49

1 Minute 50

My Elements 52

Thought #3 55

Chapter Three “My Thoughts”

Just For the Moment 57

Vanilla Heaven 58


X

Love Me ESP 59

Imagine This 60

Pitch Black & Candlelight 61

Fantasy 62

Can You Pamper Me 63

Black Man 65

Essence 67

The Last Time 68

Dreams 71

Thought #4 74

Chapter Four “How I Feel”

Meant To Be 76

Is It Possible 77

Piercing Effect 79

Hidden In The Dark 80

Too Much 81

I Need A Hug 82

I Close My Eyes & Sigh 83

Tired Feet 85

I Wish 87

A Love Poem 89

In Love With You 91

Don't Judge Me 93

From A Distance 94


XI

Thought #5 97

Chapter Five “Scared”

Don't Take Your Love 99

I Cry Myself To Sleep 101

Missing You 103

Who's Confused? 104

The Curse 105

Journal Entry 110

Thought #6 111

Chapter Six “Dealing”

Friend 113

I Try 116

Mistake 117

Say Good Bye 119

Sexy 120

What Kind of Woman 121

Meant to Be 122

Thought #7 123

Chapter Seven “Completion”

My Soul Mate 125

I Asked God 127

Crazy 130


XII

Consumed 131

Thank You 133

4 Real This Time 134

For You 135

You Promised 137

A Married Woman's Promise 138


1

Tuesday August 7, 2001 (1:56am)

“It’s been a long time since I have kept a journal.

For a while, I had the mentality that a daily journal

of my thoughts was a way of setting myself up for

failure, because sooner or later, my husband would

sneak off and read bits and pieces of my most

personal thoughts and use it against me. So for a

long time, I just refused to write about how life

would affect me emotionally.

I decided to keep it all inside, which could be both

a good and a bad thing.

The reason why I choose to pick up my pen tonight

is because, for one, I can’t sleep. I was drifting off

earlier while waiting for my son to get home but

my brother dropped him off over an hour ago and I

hadn’t been able to close my eyes yet. When my

brother was here earlier, he handed me a folder

that I hadn’t seen in years. He said he had found it

while cleaning. It was my old diary. I examined

every single page dating as far back as March of

1990. I was only 14 years old then. But I had so

much passion. I could feel it through the words.

As I read, I tried to remember faces and actual

events leading up to my entries. One thing that

was truly obvious to me was every single page

written was about my “high school love”. It’s


2

funny to me now that back at age 14, I had such

deep feelings for him. I remember closing my

eyes and trying to imagine life without him, and I

would start to cry. That’s how I knew it was

“love”. But the truth is, this guy didn’t care about

me. He was, in my opinion, an egotistical pig. His

entire world was formed around him. Yet, I was

blind to see what was really going on. I was in

need of something. And regardless of how bad I

was treated; my thirst for love overcame

everything negative.

Anyway, back to my diary. As I continued to read,

I realized that it was easy for me to vent about

what made me happy and what did not. Things

that now, I wouldn’t dare share with anyone. To

me, that was inspirational. But now, since I keep it

all inside, what do I have left to reflect on? How

am I supposed to get inspired as far as my poetry is

concerned?

Every poet that I have spoken to has told me to

keep a journal. Get a favorite pen (in your favorite

color) and keep it close to you. My only question

is, “Are my thoughts supposed to be kept private?”

Because if so, my journals would never be

personal. How I feel about certain situations

always spark some tension within my marriage. I

love my husband and I feel life is way too short to

argue over why I my feel the way I do. To discuss


3

or explain or even talk about it is one thing, but to

use my feelings as a fire starter, I can’t deal with

that.

After reading those pages, I think I am going to go

ahead and get back into the swing of things. Write

as much as I can about everyday events that affect

me and things that other people would normally

ignore. And if it starts friction again between me

and my loving husband, then I’m prepared to deal

with it. So with that decision being made, I feel

that I have overcome yet another obstacle in my

dream of becoming a successful writer. So

therefore, my prayer is…

That You would bless me indeed and enlarge my

territory. That Your hand would be with me and

that You would keep me from evil.

~The Prayer of Jabezz


4

“In order to experience true victory, you must first go

through”


5

Chapter One “Going Through”


6

I Can’t Think

I close my eyes in hopes to vision a melody of words

Or a topic decision

Complete darkness I hear

Empty shadows appear

I’m at a mental block

(A writer’s worst fear)

It’s hard to be stimulated

I’m mentally constipated

For so long I’ve waited

My passion is devastated

Hollow echoes in my mind

Repeating over and over and over again

Hello? (hello?) (hello?) (hello?)

I need inspiration

Motivation

Stimulation

Some kind of situation I can write about

Instead of having doubts about my abilities

Maybe it’s just me…

I can’t see

I can’t feel

I can’t hear . . . . . . . . . . . . I can’t think


7

Wake Up

Sometimes when I wake up

I can still see myself asleep

Sometimes I begin to weep

Because I can’t seem to wake up

Floating around like a zombie, I be

Seeing all the mountains in my route

Consciously alert

Feeling emotionally drained and weak

Trying to demand these mountains to move

But I can’t

I can’t move

I can’t speak

I’m literally still asleep

And I need to wake up

I need to get up before it’s too late


8

Why Me?

I have a lot on my mind

I’m finding it hard to define how I feel inside

Trying hard to hide the heaviness of my heart

Bleeding tears of sorrow

Crying like there’s no tomorrow, or better days ahead

Yet instead, I try to reason with reality

Trying to make sense of how life came to be

Then I ask the question…why me?


9

Affection

All I ever really wanted in life was affection

Loving attention from the man of my dreams

Stimulation of my heart

Motivation for me to do my part

I would be the best

My love would be unconditional nonetheless

If only I had affection


10

I Need to Know

Another night passed without

Him even trying to touch me

No kiss goodnight

No arms holding me tight

Just lying there on my side

Of our king sized waterbed

Sexual desires dancing in my head

I’m yearning to be wanted

Desperately wanting to be loved

Held

Caressed

What is the problem?

Why won’t he make love to me tonight?


11

Dark clouds seem to cover my head every time I

Try to put one foot in front of the other

Looking to take cover

I keep walking towards a dead end

Knowing I can’t depend on family to protect me

Or guide me to a safer place

But I’ve come face to face with reality

And I’ve realized

That I’m alone in this race

Running through the rain

Running through the pain

Realizing that my life will never ever be the same

Dark clouds seem to cover my head every time I

Lie down on my pillow in my bed

Tear drop stains of rain staining my pillowcase

I want to cover my face from the storm

Scared I’ve become

Something must be done to get me out of this storm

Lord, where’s my protection?

I need some direction

I don’t like this situation that I’m in


12

I’m getting all wet

Covered in raindrops of depression

I must overcome

Stare myself eye to eye

I must stand up to face my fears

Stop shedding these raindrop sized tears

These dark clouds that’s been following

Me for years will soon be over

As long as I believe that God is my umbrella

As long as I believe the storm will pass


13

Talk to Me

I can tell your heart is troubled

Because your spirit is distracted

When I asked you what was wrong

You turned and reacted as if I wasn’t suppose to notice

Don’t you realize that I can see your soul?

Though the shadows in your eyes

And I can tell when you are hypnotized by worry

Talk to me

Tell me what’s on your mind

Let me help you define the roots of your troubles

Your eyes are the windows to your soul

And a demon has control of your happiness

Let me take your hand

Even if you feel I wouldn’t understand

I just want to be there for you

So talk to me…


14

For You I Would…

So you think I’m fat

And my body is overwhelming

I’m not sexy because of my swelling

But you know what?

If I could, I would make myself flawless

I would lose my stomach

Tighten my butt

I would shrink my waist

And get rid of my gut

I’d shape my arms

Because that’s what you like

I’d have the sexiest ankles

To wrap around your neck at night . . .


15

If only I could, I would make my appearance better

I would be the perfect size 9

And my stuff would be together

For you, if I could, you know I would

…

…

…

But I can’t.

So I ain’t.

So now what?


16

His Soul Mate

She was his soul mate

Well, at least that’s what he told her

Their relationship now a blur from being so long ago

Yet, I’ll never know how he can still possibly love her

He said he still loved her

I know this because I heard it with my own ears

Brought me to tears from disbelief

You would think that after being with me

She would soon become a memory

Not in this case

I feel like I’m still in some kind of race for his affection

I may have his presence but she still has his heart

His soul mate

A person that only comes once in a lifetime

Someone who’s touch defines warmth and security

Someone that he could actually see spending the rest of his

life with

Maybe that explains his reactions to me

How I can’t ever find any distractions to guide him away

spontaneously


17

Now I see

Because she’s not me

I mean, I’m not her and things aren’t like they used to be

He made a vow to love me continuously

Said he’d always be there for me

So why is he still holding on to her memories

His soul mate

Someone he couldn’t wait to say “I miss you” after all

these years

Someone he told his love has always been there since high

school

Should I be mad?

I’m confused

A little upset

Slightly ticked off

Sad at the fact that he’ll never forget her

Does he compare my love to hers?

Does he sometimes wish it were her lips that he kissed?

Or her body that he holds?

Her hair he caresses?

Does he sometimes get angry with himself for making the

wrong decision?

Where do I stand?


18

Where do I come out on top as his wife?

Am I being cherished?

Regardless of how its’ viewed and how hard I try

The fact still remains that she’s his soul mate

And not I


19

Numb

Right now I feel as if my life is on a balance beam

Shifting from left to right

Switching from understandings to fights

So much confusion

Miscommunications

Not having any relations

Trials and tribulations

Yet I sit

Right in the middle of this shhhh

Hearing and seeing things

Enough to make my heart bleed

Words so painful, anyone else would have had to leave

I am so angry right now, I could just scream

Excuse me please…..AUGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!


20

My life is in such a mess

I feel as if I’m stressed

Everything I do is not supportive enough

And because of that, I think I’m depressed

Depressed because I’m a good woman

Yet according to you, I can’t do anything right

Every time I open my mouth, there’s a fight

And what’s worse

Because you don’t think I’m sexy

I’m forced to sleep alone at night


21

I’m Tired

May I be allowed to vent?

Maybe it’s just me

Maybe I’m being selfish but

I’m not happy and I’m tired

Tired of struggling

Tired of arguing

Tired of EVERYTHING!!!

I know that going without certain essentials

And going from paycheck to paycheck

Is suppose to make me stronger

But it’s wearing me down

Normally in my heart I would feel

That despite all odds against me

I would be ok

But no longer do I feel this way

I have so much pain and anger built up inside of me

I’m about to burst


22

Everything I ever loved

Everything I ever wanted

Is slowly drifting away

Why?

I don’t know

But what I do know is

I’m tired


23

Maybe

How ironic that we’re both not fully satisfied

Is it a coincidence that often times we’ve cried

Not at the same time but all for the same reasons

Maybe right now is just not our season

The love in my heart is endless and my passion is well

deserved

But right now, our love isn’t strong enough to soothe our

nerves

Maybe it’s just me or

Maybe it’s you

Maybe we’re in this relationship without permission

And we absolutely have no clue


24

3:00 AM

I should be crying but I’m not

It seems as if us making love you forgot

You were honest enough to admit

That you went to a 24hr flick

But the fact still remains

You went outside our home

To find pleasure for your d*ck

So how am I supposed to feel about that????


25

Untitled

How am I supposed to feel?

Especially if your feelings are real

I want so bad to trust you again

but …

I’m not stupid


26

What Would You Do?

What would you do if I stayed out late?

What would you do if I left around 8pm but didn’t return

Until 2 in the morning?

What would you do if I told you I was out fantasizing about

other men?

Not knowing their names but watching them

Strip down to nothing but sweat and a g-string

Moving parts of their bodies making “my girl” sing

What would you do if they got me all wet

Doing a sexy dance that I’ll probably never forget

Then when I get home

I lay next to you and masturbated

While you slept unknowingly

What would you do???


27

Almost

I almost cheated on you last night

Bad thing is…

My heart didn’t even put up a fight

And that’s not good


28

Rollercoaster My heart is hurting

I can feel the passion bleeding through the pores of my skin

Depression has taken total control of my soul

I’m on an emotional rollercoaster

Once the ride begins

I’m filled with excitement and anticipation

Each second gets greater as we reach the peak of the

moment

Then suddenly…we fall

Emotions sink into our stomachs taking sharp right and left

turns

It’s going too fast, I can’t think

I close my eyes and scream

We slow down and I’m able to collect my thoughts

My heart hurts

We lean back and start again on an inclined track

But then we fall at the speed of light

Left and right, it’s too fast, slow down!


29

I close my eyes and scream

I no longer know what to expect

That’s how I feel

That’s how I view my life with you

No matter how hard I try to change

Things always remain the same

And I’m tired


30

Separation

It’s amazing to me that during a time of destruction in our

life

We have the nerve to sit here and talk about it

Since we made the decision to leave each other,

I’m beginning to have my doubts

I don’t know why

It’s clear to me that we can’t work it out

I don’t know what to do anymore

In a way, I can’t wait to walk outside that door

Start all over from scratch

It hurts though

I’m so used to being by your side

I’m so used to trying to hide and pretend in front of others

This is unbelievable


31

Separation II

I feel like the entire world is in my hands

The weight of my fate is sitting on my shoulders

Pressing me

Pressuring me

Holding me down

I feel like I can’t breathe

I’m under water about to drown

Trying to make a decision whether I should stay or should I

go

I’m trying to weigh my options

I just don’t know


32

Renewal I never thought my heart would be in so much pain

To where I am at a total loss of words to express how I feel

inside

Sometimes I try to hide my troubles so that others will not

discover

The dark clouds hovering over my head

Thoughts keep replaying over and over in mind of

everything that was done

Everything that was said

Piercing words making my patience bleed

My faith is in dying need of renewal




33

September 11, 2003

Today, I lost my best friend. We’ve been

separated for 2 years now but the pain was still

there as the judge beat her desk with the gavel.

I can’t believe it’s over. Don’t get me wrong,

there is a sense of relief because now I can

finally breathe and move on with my life. But

something still isn’t right. Something doesn’t

feel right. I heard someone once say,

“Experience is a hard teacher. First, you take

the test. Then you learn the lesson.” This was

definitely a learning experience.

I don’t feel like writing anymore…


34

“It’s sad when a person can fill your heart with

so much pain and so much doubt that it weighs

you down for years even after they’re gone.

Today, I can finally take a deep breath, let it out

slowly and put this chapter of my life behind me.

Now, I just need to work on me…”

leaving my luggage at the door

Documents