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Parents as Emotion Coaches By Michael Hylen Ph D

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Michael Hylen serves as Coordinator of Doctoral Programs at

Southern Wesleyan University. Prior to joining the SWU faculty, Dr.

Hylen served as a professor of education at Louisiana State

University – Shreveport. Before joining the higher education ranks,

Dr. Hylen enjoyed a 25-year career as a secondary school teacher

and administrator. His most extensive work was as an alternative

high school principal for students with emotional disorders and

behavior problems. He is married and a father of six children.

Michael Hylen Ph D

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Dear parents:

Consider the power of relationships during the formative years on the shaping

of how we express our emotions. Begin by answering the following set of

questions:

• How did my parents express emotions?

• Did they ignore their feelings?

• Did they lash out?

• Did they express their feelings in a safe manner?

• Were you allowed to express your emotion? If so, how did others

respond to you?

• Now think, as an adult, how do you respond when a young person

expresses their feelings?

• Are there similarities to your experience with your own parents?

Michael Hylen Ph D

The Parent Role?

Become a coach.

Be able to relate with your children in a manner that allows the relationship to move past the surface level

into a deeper understanding and acceptance.

Be a positive role model.

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4 Styles of Teaching ManagingEmotions

Dismissing

Disapproving

Laid Back

Emotion Coach

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The dismissing parent...

1. Treats child’s feelings as trivial

and unimportant.

2. Wants child’s negative

emotions to disappear quickly.

3. Feels uncomfortable, annoyed

or even overwhelmed by their

child’s emotions

4. Sees the child’s emotions as a

ploy.

5. May believe negative

emotions are harmful or toxic.

6. Minimize their child’s feelings

and downplays events that led

to the emotion.

Effects of this approach on children:

• Believe that their feelings are

wrong and not valid.

• May feel that something is

wrong with them because

of how they feel.

• May have difficulty

regulating their emotion.

I don’t know what’s wrong

with me

Why should I even care?

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• Believe that their feelings

are wrong and not valid.

• May feel that something is

wrong with them because

of how they feel.

• May have difficulty

regulating their emotion.

Disapproving parent...

1. Judges and criticizes child

when expressing emotion.

2. May believe negative

emotions need to be

controlled.

3. May believe child uses

emotions to manipulate;

often results in power

struggles.

4. Is mostly concerned with

child’s obedience to

authority.

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• Child does not learn to

regulate emotions.

• Child may have a hard time

concentrating.

• Child may have a difficult

time getting along with others

and forming friendships.

Laid back parent...

1. Freely accepts emotions

expressed by child.

2. Tends to offer comfort to

negative emotions.

3. Does not teach child

about emotions.

4. Does not set limits: tends

to be permissive.

5. Does not engage in or

teach problem-solving

skills to child.

6. Tends to believe you just

need to “ride-out”

emotions.

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How does an emotion coach view emotions

Recommendation:Become a Coach to your children; become an “Emotion” Coach.

?

1. Expression of emotion is opportunity for intimacy.

2. Is able to talk with the child.3. Regardless of emotion; does not get

impatient with the emotion.4. Respects the emotions of the child.5. Does not try to tell the child how they

should feel.6. Does not feel they have to fix the

child’s problems. 7. Uses emotional moments to listen to

the child, empathize, set limits for expression, and teach problem-solving skills.

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Effects of this approach on children…

• Child learns to trust the parent.

• Child learns to trust their feelings.

• Child is able to solve own problems.

• Child has high self-esteem and is more likely to get

along with others.

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Emotion Coaching What is it?

Awareness of Emotions

Helping Label the Emotion

Showing Empathy

Setting Limits

/Problem Solving

Teaching and Building Trust

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Be aware of your own emotions:

1. Be aware your own feelings. Remember: awareness of your own

feelings directly effects how well you will tune into your child’s

feelings.

2. Children learn by watching.

3. Allow your children to see you have feelings.

- Express disappointment.

- Show sadness.

- Express feelings of anger or fear.

4. Showing emotion does not mean children can meet your needs.

Ask yourself:

Am I aware of my emotions?

How do I show emotions to my children?

Do I mask them?

Do I manage them?

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Be aware of your child’s emotions:

1. Emotion manifests itself in many ways.

2. Clue into behaviors that may indicate emotion change of

mood, crying, wont talk to you.

3. Look at behaviors through a lens of emotion / feelings.

4. Ignoring feelings does not make them go away.

Listen with empathy:

1. “Empathy” or “Sympathy”.

2. Validation: accepting someone’s feelings without judgment.

3. Validating statements:

- I hear you

- I would feel the same

- That’s no fun

- That must hurt

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There is atime for each

Sympathysays:

Empathysays:

It is OK, come here,

you’ll be OK.

I understand, let me

help you through this,

let’s talk about how to

deal with this.

The problem with using sympathy to teach behavior management is:

Gives children the sense that the way they acted is appropriate.

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Sympathy Empathy

Help your child label the emotion:

Put words to the emotion if you can or ask questions to explore:

• You look pretty sad.

• I can see you are upset.

• That really bothered you, didn’t it?

• What bothers you most about it?

• You seem worried, scared, etc.

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Set limits and help your children to problem solve:

1. After labeling emotion, set

parameters.

2. Convey the message that

feelings are not the

problem, misbehavior is.

3. Have child identify goals.

4. Encourage child to think

of possible solutions.

5. If necessary, offer ideas

or suggestions.

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6. Help the child pick the

solution that is most suitable

and best.

7. Discuss ramifications of

possible solutions.

8. If the child does not want

to come up with a solution,

discuss ramifications of not

having one.

9. Don’t give into the

temptation to fix the

problem for the child.

Remember: It is extremely important to be realistic with your child and with yourself!

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KIWI’sCalm Corner

How do you feel today?

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Cloud9World's early childhood program Let's Learn About Emotions with KIWI provides educators and

parents with a comprehensive program to help children recognize, name and manage emotions. For

information email us at: [email protected]

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surprise

sadness

fear

anger

disgust

anticipation

joy

trust

calm and

in control

Written by Michael Hylen Ph DDeveloped by Andrea NachtigallDesigned by Inés Elvira Samper

Illustrated by Franky Carrillo

let’s learn about e emotionsmotions kiwi cloud world · 2020. 5. 19. · clou d9wrld a nd a l et...

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