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Levels of TouchSuperficial: Does not enhance the relationship; Is Not done as an expression of how someone feels about you.It is Selfish!! Satisfies the need of the person touching.Examples: hug, kiss, cuddle, sex

Levels of TouchPersonal: An expression of how a person feels about you. Enhances the relationship; Un-selfishSays: I like you, I care about you, I love youExamples: hug, pat, high-five, kiss, back scratch, cuddleLevels of TouchValidating: Reinforces the relationship; Un-selfishSays: I care about you, I love youExamples: Can be a simple hug up to full intimacy with-in marriage.Non-Verbal CommunicationWhat are you really saying?Kinesics: study of non-verbal communicationDefinitions:Nonverbal communication: A way of sending and receiving messages without using words, such as through body movements, facial expressions and eye contact.Body language: The expression of thoughts, feelings, and emotions through body movements, such as facial expressions, gestures and body motions.Nonverbal CommunicationImportant forms of nonverbal communication:Proximity eye contact touch

Nonverbal Communication

For communication to be clear, verbal and nonverbal messages must agree.If the messages conflict, people believe the NON-verbal messageMost of all messages are sent Nonverbally!Non-Verbal CommunicationA. Transmits feelingsNervous, embarrassed, playfulB. Serves many functions:1. Repeats what is said verbally: pointing directions2. Substitute for verbal messages: facial expressions3. Accent verbal messages: pointing finger, shrug shoulders4. Contradicts spoken word: double message: Im NOT angry!

C. Body: Facing someone directly: interestedElevator: everyone looks outward, avoiding personal contact

D. Posture slumping, straight?E. Gestures- sometimes we hide emotions in our face but our gestures do not

F. Eyes: meeting ones glance. **Direct eye contact or glancing away to avoid contact.

Voice-tone This is a fantastic communication book with different emphasis.

Touch- raise IQ, aggression, friendship, sexual interest, manage transactions (Tug or shake)

Object language Intentional or unintentional display of material things. Clothes, sports car, books.

Non-verbal CluesShaking Hands If the hand is limp, the person may be nervous or doesnt like to be touched. A firm handshake indicates confidence.

Defensiveness Cross arms on chest, keep fists closed, swing a crossed leg.

Suspicion and Secretiveness not look at you when they speak, touch or rub the nose with their index finger

Honesty placing hand over heart, having palms uplifted, looking the person in the eye when speaking, touching gestures

Frustration Short breaths, tightly clenched fists, wringing hands, kicking the ground or an imaginary object.

Confidence Steepling (arms or hands together in a steeple), Joining hands behind the back

Nervousness clearing of the throat, whistling, fidgeting, tugging at an ear, playing with pencils, notebooks, or eyeglasses in mouth.

Boredom Drumming on desk, tapping feet, doodling, leaning the head on the hand.

Personal Space and Territory

Intimate ZoneFirst zone around us Skin contact to 18Reserved for close friends and relativesAllowing someone to enter shows trustWhen someone enters without permission we feel threatened.Intimate ZoneSkin18Personal Zone18 4Contacts are reasonably close but less personal, good friends18 is appropriate closeness for couples in public2 feet appropriate for casual conversationPersonal Zone18--4Social Zone4 12Used for parties and friendly gatheringsUsed for casual acquaintances4 -7 appropriate for sales people and customers and people who work together7 12 reserved for impersonal situations.

Social Zone4 12Public ZoneUsed for speakers and their audienceClassrooms/auditoriumsBegins at 12 and beyondAnyone who remains 25 feet away is not interested in dialog

Public Zone12-25Personal Space ZoneIntimate ZoneSkin 18Personal Zone 18- 4Social Zone 4-12Public Zone 12 and beyondPersonal SpaceThe distances given for personal space are according to your culture.Some cultures have a closer personal space than Americans do.Women tend to stand closer together than do menPeople in cities stand closer than do people from rural areas when communicatingTerritorySpace we consider to be our ownPrivateWe claim itWe mark itHow do you mark your space?What does your bedroom look like?How do we mark temporary space/territory?TerritoryWe claim temporary space by marking it with coats, bags, etc.Some examples of Temporary Space:Theater, library, classroomWe arrange our stuff around us in public territory.Some examples of Public Space:Classroom, library, church pew, bus, subway, park

Visual TerritoryVisual invasion is as uncomfortable as physical invasionA glance lasting longer than 3 seconds can be as threatening or as uncomfortable as someone who invades your space physically.

The Birds

Constructive/DestructiveCommunicationDestructive Communication-Do you do any of these forms of destructive communication????Blaming: Finding out who is at fault Interrupting: Stops communication, disregard for others ideasEndless fighting.Bury the hatchet but leave the handle sticking out.

Character Assassination: Attacking the other persons character/person. Name calling, belittling commentsCalling in Reinforcements: getting people on your sideWithdrawal: says you dont careHow do we withdraw emotionally? Physically?Need to be right : refuse to admit your part in the problem

Constructive Communication - Try these methods1. I-Messages: Non-threatening way to say how you are feeling. Non-blaming, take responsibility2. Clarity: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Avoid Sarcasm; Avoid hinting , this leads to miscommunication.3. Timing: Select a good time to talk. Schedule a time if necessary, ask: When is a good time to talk? Can we get together and visit after Turn off the stereo, TV, Nintendo etc. Talk when you are well rested, not hungry etc.

4. Ask Questions: Shows interest, helps to clarify what is being said, collect information, Ask Who, What, Why, Where, When, How, questions.5. Reflective Listening: Listener mirrors back what the speaker has said. Helps to clarifyAre you saying you want to quit school?You seem to be excited about that?6. Respect and Consideration: Avoid being critical and judgmental, show respect throughout7. Avoid Intense Anger: Sometimes we become too emotional to communicate effectively.If you feel you are beginning to get emotionally out of control take responsibility and tell the other person, I am too angry to talk about this right now. I am going for a walk and we can talk when I get back. Dont use YOU MessagesA statement which describes someone elses behavior.

We do not have the right to describe someone elses behavior, feelings, or thoughts.We can only describe our own.What Is Wrong With UsingYOU Messages? Place blame You made me Lack responsibility You make me so mad! (Your choice to get mad Attempt to control people You need to be more kind!Dont you ever again.Displace anger rather than diffuse anger

What is wrong with these YOU messagesGo wash your stinky, filthy, hands, they are making me sick!!I hate this movie, why do you always pick movies that are so violent??You are so inconsiderate, you should have asked me to the dance days ago.

I Messages I-Message: a non-threatening message which gives the listener info about the speaker

I-messages establish who owns the problem

Formula For A Good I-MessageNon-verbal must show love, acceptance, respectDescribe situationWhen I see, hear, observeTell how you feelI feel.angry, concerned, happyGive a reason why you feel that waybecauseComplete Questions on paperYou message to I messageGet your dumb bike out of the driveway before I run it over!!!When I see your bike in the driveway I feel concerned because I dont want to run over it. Find the three parts to the above I-message. The description of the situation, the feeling, the reasons for the feelings.You message to I message

Dont you dare try interrupt me while I am on the phone!!!When I am on the phone with my friend and keep getting interrupted, I feel frustrated because I cant hear what she is saying.Find the three elements of an I-message.I-messagesConstructive FeedbackFocuses on: I statements.behavior rather than the person.observations rather than judgments.the observed incidence of behavior.sharing ideas rather than giving advice.its value to the recipient.the amount the recipient can process.an appropriate time and place.The Little MermaidAnalyze the communication in these clips

Communication Role PlaysListeningWhy are good listening skills important?Steps to ListeningUnconditional Love: Face shows acceptancePassive Listening: Use when the speaker is really excited or really upset. Respond with Oh, Mmm, Really, WowEncourager Question: A question which gets a person to open up, use when someone is pouting, looks upset Ask: How are you? How are things going? Is everything ok? Do you want to talk? Steps to ListeningValidating statements: Acknowledge someones feelings and the information they share. You dont have to agree, just acknowledge their feelings.

Dont discount someones feelings!How do we discount someones feelings?Three Ways To Validate1. Make a short summary statement reflecting the meaning of the message. Youre saying you want to break up with Susie because she works all the time.2. Reflect back to the speaker the feelings expressed. Youre angry with Susie because Todd invited her to Prom.Three Ways To Validate3. Reflect back the hidden message or the real meaning the speaker is trying to give.So you want to break up with Susie because You are tired of having a girl friend.You want to break up with Susie so you can take Annie to Prom.Validating helps the speaker to clarify what they are feeling and that their feelings are ok. even if you dont agree

Four Reasons To ValidateSends the message: I want to understand before I evaluate .

Helps the speaker feel their feelings are OK.

Helps avoid criticismFour Reasons To ValidateDiffuses peoples anger and opens the way to problem solving. What can you do What do you think should be done? Have you

Remember we can only solve our own problems.

We do not have the right to solve anyone elses problems; we can only help them solve their ownSteps to good listening

Problem Solving options

Possible solutionsConsensus: Agree!!!Concession: Let the other have their wayCompromise: Each give a littleAgree to disagree:

Strategies People Use to Resolve ConflictI win, You Loose.

Im in charge here.

Key Word: PowerOther Descriptive Words: Force or coercion pulling rank Brow-beating Outmaneuvering the opposition, aggressive, dogmatic, Inflexible, and unreasonable

Strategies People Use to Resolve ConflictI win (a little), You lose (a little)Key Word: CompromiseOther Descriptive Words: Concessions Tolerate Manipulative conflict style Both ends played against the middle

Lets give a little. Strategies People Use to Resolve ConflictI lose, You lose Key Word: HopelessnessOther Descriptive Terms: Withdraw and avoid strategy Leave the conflict. Compliance without commitment. Feelings of frustration and resentment. Tends to be used when other styles have been tried and failed.

If I cant, neither can you.Strategies People Use to Resolve ConflictI lose (a little), You win (a little)

You can have your way. Key Word: Placate or YieldOther Descriptive Words: Avoid conflict and appease others by ignoring, denying and avoiding conflict. Giving in Submitting yourself to another

Strategies People Use to Resolve ConflictI win, You win.Key Word: synergisticOther Descriptive Words: Well-being of each other Cooperation Tolerance for differences Recognition of the legitimacy of feelings are central to this strategy. Abide by rules of negotiation and agree to solve the conflict constructively. Any hidden agendas are brought out in the open so they may be effectively dealt with.

I feel great. You feel great.

Conflict Resolution ExerciseReminders when solving conflicts:Refuse to use the following Destructive conflict tactics: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and speaking defensively Unhappy couples use confrontation, confrontation and defensiveness, and complaining and defensiveness.

Reminders when solving conflicts:Choose to gain the skills to conflict constructively. Happily married couples resolve conflict through paraphrasing, validation, and clarification.Over learning these skills are the most important constructive skills we can learn initially.

EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE LISTENINGIt takes a great man to be a good listener. -Calvin Coolidge

So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it. Jiddu Krishnamurti

Active Listening ActivityThe Wright Family StoryGather in a CircleListen to the storyWhen you hear the words Right or Left you will pass your item to the right or left.

Wright Family DiscussionDiscussion:Was it hard to listen and pass the objects at the same time?Why is it hard to concentrate on what is being said when you are busy doing something else?Did you get frustrated when you or others couldnt keep up with the story?Write a 5 sentence summary of the story.

EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE LISTENINGEffective listening: the listening to the words of the speaker and the meaning of the words.Active listening: the process in which the listener takes active responsibility to understand the content and feeling of what is being said and then checks with the speaker to see if he/she heard what the speaker intended to communicate.

ELEMENTS OF EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE LISTENINGContentFeelingsProcessClarification

64ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLSCheck attitude and atmosphere Keep the channel open and avoid short circuitsListening requires response from listenerKeep the door open65METHODS TO TEST UNDERSTANDINGParrotingParaphrasingClarifying66How do you react?People react to what you say in the following ways:55% facial expressions38% voice 7% word

Listening Blocks:Definition: Things that we do that stop or halt communication.

Listening Blocks

I must defend my position

70InterruptingBreaking into the conversation before the other person has finished speaking.

Im looking for an Entrance-Dont be more concerned with what you have to say than what is being said.

72I dont have time to listen to youIf the current time is not convenient, simply tell the other person that another time would be better, that you are busy right now

73I already know what you have to say.You dont know what another person is going to say until they have said it. Listen!

74I know what you should doDont give advice unless its asked for.

75Conflict Resolution and Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Behavior I am responsible for my own feelings, but not for the feelings of others.I am responsible for how I respond to others, but not for how they respond to me.

Passive, Aggressive and Assertive ActivityGo around the room to the papers that have been posted and answer the questions that are on them.

Aggressive: angry, forcefulPassive: Does what ever you tell them without questionAssertive: Stands up for their rights as well as yours.

Discuss on the following slides.Aggressive BehaviorWhat definition did you write on the paper?Definition: When a person takes their own rights into account and not the other persons.Who did you did you think has this Communication Behavior? What kind of car or animals?How do you feel when you argue with someone that is Aggressive?Volunteer to Role Play

Aggressive Behavior Video ClipAggressive CharacteristicsIgnore another persons rights.Take unfair advantage of other people.Make other people look or feel stupid, small, or afraid.Become abusive when you are angry with someone or when you are criticizing someone.Make unreasonable demands on other people.Monopolize conversations.Brag obnoxiously and make unrealistic claims about your good points.Feel good at first but guilty later as a result of any of the above behaviors.

Passive BehaviorWhat definition did you write on the paper?Definition: When a person takes the other persons rights into account, but NOT their own! Passive Communication is the other side of the spectrum from Aggressive Communication.Who did you did you think has this Communication Behavior? What kind of car or animals?How do you feel when you argue with someone that is Passive?Volunteer to Role PlayPassive Behavior Video ClipMary Poppins: Husband/Wife relationship.Write down two things that the wife does to make her passive.Passive CharacteristicsDo not stand up for your rights.Let other people take unfair advantage of you.Do not express your views and feelings.Feel guilty when you do stand up for your rights or express your feelings.Are unable to make reasonable requests of other people.Are unable to start or carry on conversations comfortably.Are unable to recognize and express your good pointsFeel badly about yourself after experiencing any of the above.Assertive BehaviorDefinition: Believing we have a right to have ideas and feelings. Standing up for our rights and still respecting the rights of others.

Volunteer to Role Play

Could you hear the difference between the different versions of the sentences with the three different Communication behaviors?What kind of body language was used with the different styles?Assertive CharacteristicsCan say no when you do not want to say yes to someones request.Can express your positive feelings about other people and what they do.Can express negative feelings about other people and what they do without being abusive or cruel.Can receive compliments without denying them.Can take criticism without becoming defensive.Can start and carry on conversations.Can recognize and express your good points.Can ask for what is rightfully yours.Feel good about yourself and in control of yourself after experiencing any of the above.

Assertive Behavior Video ClipMonsters Inc.: Mike and Sullys relationship.

What makes this conversation an assertive behavior?Communication Style QuizTake the following quiz to find out your style.Answer the questions and then count your numbers. Then match your style with the appropriate letters and answer the following questions on your paper.

Communication Style Quiz Answers A = Aggressive B = Passive C = Assertive.

When are some times that an Aggressive Style would be beneficial?When are some times that a Passive Style would be Beneficial?When are some times that an assertive Style would be beneficial?What could you do to improve your assertiveness? Benefits of Aggressive CommunicationWhen a decision has to be made quicklyDuring emergenciesWhen you know youre right and that fact is crucial

Benefits of Passive CommunicationWhen an issue is minorWhen the problems caused by the conflict are greater than the conflict itselfWhen emotions are running high and it makes sense to take a break in order to calm down and regain perspectiveWhen your power is much lower than the other partysWhen the others position is impossible to change for all practical purposesWhat are several POSITIVE communication skills that you have learned that are ASSERTIVE?I MessagesAnd rather than BUT StatementsState ComplaintSay what you want to happenExpress concern for otherWhat is Conflict?1. to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash: 2. to fight or contend; do battle. 3. a fight, battle, or struggle, esp. a prolonged struggle; strife. 4. controversy; quarrel: conflicts between parties. 5. discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or opposition, as of interests or principles: a conflict of ideas. 6. a striking together; collision.

9292What are some passive techniques that some people try to use in conflict?Pretending there isnt a problemAvoiding the problematic personSilent TreatmentGiving in to keep PeaceIgnoring the problemSaying It doesnt matter when feeling hurtWhat Doesnt Work?What Does Work?Yelling, refusing to change or compromise, refusing to work out the conflict,name calling, hitting, walking out, belittling, etc.Negotiation, Mediation, Looking at both sides, A Win-Win attitude.94When is Conflict Positive?When we are able to resolve internal and interpersonal conflicts, using win-win problem solving.Every relationship will have some conflicts at some time or other.when we use win-win problem solving, it strengthens the relationship.when we dont, it destroys it.95Who Owns the Problem?What is the Owners responsibility?The person who is negatively affected by the Problem. To find a way to resolve the problem, even if he is not thecause of it.96Search for Win-Win SolutionThe Use of Power Three ResponsesFightFlight / AvoidanceObedience/ Shutting Down

Identify Each Others Needs and Goals97Preparation Include only those concerned.Give a description of the problem that respects all involved.Explain how conflict resolution can enable all to win, and explain the steps.Agree not to slip back to the win lose methodsFind a good time and place with no distractions. Get something to write down ideas.

98Identify the problem or issues

Use I Messages to explain your own concerns, needs and basic goalsUse reflective listening to hear and acknowledge the others needs and basic goalsEvaluate exactly what each of your actual needs are with the problem. List needs.Dont accept sudden promises not to cause the problem

99Brainstorm All Possible Solutions that meets both peoples needsCake Cutting ExerciseYou are in charge of a Birthday party for four Children. You have oneCake and need to cut it in 5 equal parts. Brainstorm with your partnerHow many different ways you could cut it.

Car Sharing SolutionYou and your spouse have one car. You need to go to a meetingtonight, and your spouse wants to visit a good friend. How many solutions can you come up with?

Look at things from anothers perspective and try to see their pointof view and look for a solution that meets both underlying needs.

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Brainstorm to Generate all possible solutions. Think of any and all possible ways to solve the problem so that everyone will have needs met. Evaluate later NOT NOW Do not criticize any suggestion. Feed back with reflective listening Write down all ideas suggested.

108Evaluate the alternative solutions Ask Will it work? Does it meet all the needs of both people? Are there any problems likely?Dont accept solutions for the sake of speedUse reflective listening and I Messages

109Decide on the best solution.

Find a solutions that is mutually acceptable to both of you. . If agreement seems difficult, Summarize areas of agreement. Restate needs, and look for new solutions.Make certain that both of you are committed to the solution

110Implementing the Solutions Get Agreement on who does what by whenWrite this down and check all agree to itRefuse to remind or police the solutionsIf you want to set criteria for success, work out these now

111 Follow-up evaluation

Carry out agreed method. Wait to see if the conflicts seems resolved. If the agreed upon solution doesnt work, remember it is the solution that failed, not the person, and seek for a new solution.Ask from time to time if the solution is working for both of you. 112Results of Win-Win SolutionsMore creative in Thinking up solutionsTake more responsibility for helping everyone have needs metFeeling of mutual respect Love grows deeper with every conflict resolved.

113IntroductionVolunteer: InterviewTake outside: Class questions:At what point did the volunteer feel uncomfortable?What was the students reaction to the situation?At what distance was the student most comfortable?When did the student begin to be uncomfortable?At what point did the volunteer begin to back away?Non-Verbal DayGet Packet and follow the instructions.DO NOT talk with anyone during this activity.If you must communicate, do so without talkingLast 10 minutes review Verbal/non-verbal and ask students what they thoughtNon-Verbal Communication: Quick FactsGestures transmit emotionsPosture furnishes info about how people feel about themselves.There is danger in reading many non-verbal messages45% of communication is verbal55% of communication is non-verbalKinesics: study of non-verbal communicationWomen tend to stand closer together than do menPeople in cities stand closer than do people from rural areas when communicatingDifferent cultures use different body languageInterrupting breaking into the conversation, not giving the other a chance to finish.Endless fighting bring up things from the past & never resolving things.Character assassination name calling, belittling, insulting remarks.Calling in reinforcements involve outsiders to support you.Withdrawal leave, indifference, silent treatment.Need to be right refusal to admit their part in the problem.Roadblocks to communication

Why communicate constructively?WE COMMUNICATE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!RebellionEating DisordersActing outDepressionSickness (stress disorders, ulcers)Repressed feelings control you (reactionary behavior)Communication Loop