life after loss - | pcak. helping childre… · •the elephant in the room: a children’s book...
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HELPING CHILDREN WITH LIFE AFTER LOSSLAURA BEST, MSW, LCSW
LEXINGTON COUNSELING AND PSYCHIATRY
LEARNING COMMUNITY BEHAVIORS
• Be fully present
• Be self-responsible for engaging in this session
• Be productive
• Be solution-oriented
• Honor confidentiality
• Your participating in activities and discussions is not mandatory but appreciated
OBJECTIVES:
Describe the influence of culture and society on experience loss and grief.
1
Describe the relationship between personal attitudes and experiences and one's effectiveness in intervening with individuals and families experiencing death, dying, loss, and grief.
2
Recognize and support expressions of grief as a response to loss.
3
Recognize, support, and foster healthy loss and grief oriented rituals.
4
THE INFLUENCE OF CULTURE AND SOCIETY ON EXPERIENCE LOSS AND GRIEF.
• Culture influences much of our experience including loss
• Rituals connected with loss closely connected to culture
• Polarized
• What do you see?
• What do you think and feel?
• What do you wonder?
• What do you see?
• What do you think and feel?
• What do you wonder?
• What do you see?
• What do you think and feel?
• What do you wonder?
WHAT DOES THAT TELL US???
PERSONAL ATTITUDE AND EXPERIENCE AND AFFECT WHAT WE DO
Our professional experience with clients moving
through grief and loss
Our own personal experience
Our struggle to understand grief and
loss inherently influences how help
A STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND
What did you see?
• What’s in your suitcase?
• Professional?
• Personal?
GOOD BYE’S
What did you see?
GIVEN A CHOICE BETWEEN GRIEF AND NOTHING, I’D CHOOSE GRIEF
-WILLIAM FAULKNER
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-
NC-ND
UNIVERSALITY OF EXPERIENCE
• Love and grief are “package deal”
• Only protection from grief/loss is total detachment
WHAT WE CAN DO TO SUPPORT
Educate
Structure and predictability of safety
Understand through the lens of context
Tangible rituals
STAGES OF GRIEF
• Denial/Shock
• Anger/Protest
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Resolution
STAGES OF GRIEF
What did you see?
UNDERSTANDING
• Societal and cultural context
• Gentle and steady, slow….not quickly
• Want to be SEEN so not alone in the grief
• Australian cultural response to grief – move something to acknowledge change
• Our souls know how to do this, we have been doing this as people forever
• “Watering the flowers”
HEALING
• Cant heal what we don’t feel
• Feel as opposed to resist grief
• Acute grief transitions to grief bursts – “grief is asking for time with you”
• Surviving the pain of that loss
GRIEF IS A NO JUDGMENT ZONE
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY
CONSIDERATION OF DEVELOPMENTAL RELEVANCE
Developmental
stage
Developmental task Behaviors Helping actions
Infancy Trust Crying loudly, withdrawal,
apathy, mournful crying
Keep routine, familiar smells and
sounds
Preschool
Ages 2–5
Do not have: logic,
cause/affect, permanence
Clingy, anxious, stubborn Loving, stable interactions,
patiently attempt to connect
School
Ages 6-11
Forming concrete logical
thoughts
School and learning
problems, preoccupation
with loss of caregiver
Sympathetic listeners, assist
teachers or other adults
Adolescence
12-19
Grieve through stages of
grief, forming identity
Destructive behaviors:
substance abuse, eating
disorders, depression
Help deal with conflicting
emotions, sense of identity, allow
to make choices, safe expressions
of freedom and independence.
FROM A CHILD’S PERSPECTIVE
What did you see?
GRIEF PRESENTATIONS
• Inward
• Guilt
• Isolation
• Outward
• Anger
• Avoidance
TRAUMA AND GRIEF
What did you see?
IDENTIFYING LOSS- AND GRIEF-ORIENTED RITUALS
• Rituals are important because they:
• Symbolically express feelings
• Help create a continuing and enduring connection
• Can provide a sense of legacy
• Help to make meaning
CONTINUED CONNECTIONS
• Connections: spiritual, physical, emotional
• Don’t/didn’t stop loving them
• How to have a relationship after death – love in absence not just presence
• We heal as a tribe
• Make an appt with your grief
• Finding a meaningful way to adjust to a world and life without
• Hamburg – St Nikolai Church (symbolism)
LOVE AND GRIEF ARE A PACKAGE DEAL
What did you see?
TANGIBLE RITUALS
• Memory table
• Donation in one’s name
• Plant a tree
• Lighting a candle
• Poem/prayer
• Decorating grave
• Wearing clothing or jewelry
• Favorite flowers
• Songs
• Meals
• Picture mementos
• Lifebooks
• Going away party
• Others?
RESOURCES
• Hospice
• Therapy Aid
• Professionals
• Each other
• More?
MOVIES:
• Inside out
• We Bought a Zoo
• The Lion King
• The Good Dinosaur
• Instant Family
• Others?
BOOKS:
• I Miss My Foster Parents, by Stefon Herbert
• The Elephant in the Room: A Children’s Book for Grief and Loss, by Amanda Edwards
• Building the Bonds of Attachment, Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children, by
Daniel A. Huges
PRESENTATION CITATIONS:
• The Other Side of Sadness by George A. Bonanno
• Mindfulness for Prolonged Grief by Dr. Sameet M. Kumar
• Grief Land by Armen Bacon and Nancy Miller
• Life After Loss by Bob Deits
• It’s OK that you’re not OK by Megan Devine
• On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
• Help Me Say Goodbye by Janis Silverman
THANK [email protected]
Laura Best, MSW, LCSWDirector of Children’s and Clinical ServicesLexington Counseling and Psychiatry859-312-0661
WWW.COUNSELINGLEXINGTONKY.COM