I Felt Defective (The picture in this story is a model, not the actual person)

March, 2011 Vol. 15, No. 2

o you know what it’s like not to be

wanted by your parents? I do.

My dad was a heavy drinker, and

left home when I was very young.

Mother sent me to live with my

grandparents, and I only saw her and

my two brothers on the weekends,

plus whatever boyfriend she had at

the time.

I looked forward to each visit

thinking, I’ll be real good and maybe

she’ll start loving me. It never hap-

pened. She’d focus all her attention on

the men in her life and ignore me.

Often I was made to sit in a chair

backwards so I couldn’t see them. I

wasn’t allowed to move until given

permission. Frequently, I’d have to sit

there for several hours at a time.

Even though my grandparents

fought like cats and dogs—always

yelling and cussing at each other,

they did take good care of me. I was

grateful for that, but I longed to live

at my own home.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my

grandparents, but at the same time

it was my heart’s desire to be like the

other kids I knew. They had a Mom

and Dad at their house to love and to

love them.

I grew up feeling like there must

be something wrong with me—that

I was defective somehow. And by the

time I hit my teens, I was convinced

of it.

Craving love and acceptance, I

married right out of high school. Hav-

ing a family was my biggest dream.

I just knew I’d be the best Mom in

the world, giving my children what

I’d missed.

Wesley constantly ran around on

me, and our marriage finally ended in

divorce. But before we broke up, he

introduced me to drugs and alcohol.

We had two children, but rather

than giving them what they deserved,

D

I repeated my Mom & Dad’s mistakes

and often left them with my grandpar-

ents so I could “party.”

While I was out there having “fun”

one night, I was abducted and raped

outside a bar by several guys. I ended

up pregnant, having no clue who the

father was.

A family took me in and cared

for me during my early pregnancy,

and one of the few nice guys I’d dated

asked if I wanted to marry him to give

my baby a name.

I didn’t love Scott,

but I figured he could of-

fer a stable environment

for me, my kids and the

new life I was carrying.

You’d think I’d quit

partying, but I didn’t.

Thank goodness, Scott

was a good father to

my older kids, and even

loved my baby as his

own.

I kept messing up, and eventually

he kicked me out and got custody

of my little daughter. The pain was

almost too much to bear. But I knew

he was a far better influence on her

than I could ever be.

If you can believe it, I went

further down-hill after that. I began

having affairs with women, figuring

they wouldn’t hurt me like the men

I’d known.

I was in and out of several female

relationships through the years, but

I always knew it was wrong. Still, it

met a deep need for love that I’d been

unable to meet any other way.

I hadn’t seen my grandmother in

quite awhile, but when I got word

she was on her deathbed, I rushed to

the hospital. I begged God to keep

her alive.

I tried to bargain with Him that

I’d quit drinking and drugging if He’d

allow her to live. Well, He didn’t go for

it ... my grandmother died.

Still, I knew if I

didn’t stop partying,

I’d never get to see my

grandchildren. Yet I

was powerless to stop.

I told the Lord if

He’d give me the desire

to quit, I would do it

... I never touched that

stuff again!

I always knew the

Lord was there and

wanted me to turn from doing things

my way and let Him have control. But,

giving up the gay lifestyle was more

than I thought I could handle.

As if my life didn’t have enough

drama, while I was at work one day,

a man came in our building wielding

a gun and began shooting everyone

in his path.

I reached under my desk and rang

the alarm. I was tempted to run, but

instead I felt compelled to help the

2

3 4

victims somehow.

Several people were lying on the

floor, some trembling in terror—

others lay there dead in a pool of

blood. I wasn’t sure if I’d be the next

one to get shot.

I sat on the floor with my supervi-

sor’s head in my lap. He was bleeding

profusely, but still alive.

Things got quiet, and I didn’t

know if the man had left or not. But

as I stood up, a bullet flew by my head.

Shortly after that, the gunman made

his escape.

The company sent all the survivors

to trauma therapy at the Psychiatric

Hospital in a nearby town. It may have

helped some of the people, but I never

received any benefit from it.

The psychiatrists diagnosed me

with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress

Disorder). They kept trying to get me

to talk about the shooting. I did co-

operate for awhile, but after repeated

sessions, I’d had enough and couldn’t

see how continually dredging it all up

was going to help.

I think their theory was I would

become desensitized to the pain and

trauma if I kept going over it a bunch

of times.

It wasn’t working for me, so I just

tried to bury it all and go on with

my life. However, night terrors had

become my constant companions.

For the last year or so, I’d been

sensing the Lord was calling me to

turn my life completely over to Him.

I’d been dragging my feet, mainly due

to my female roommate.

But I had become fed up with

the way I was living and told God

once again I needed His help to make

any lasting changes. That’s when He

brought Faith Family to mind.

I’d known about this ministry for

a long time. In fact, the Morgans had

reached out to me years ago, and I

knew them to be caring people.

I was able to get three days off

from work and drove to South Caro-

lina for the personal ministry retreat.

I had no idea what God would do,

and though I was scared to open up, at

the same time, I knew I had to.

That week-end saved my life!

The Lord removed all the emo-

tional pain from my past. That’s

right, it’s as if He just extracted it out

of my soul!

I’ve tried to explain it since I’ve

been back home, but how do you put

into words what a miracle from God

looks like?

I just know the Lord showed up

in His glory, and I’ve not been the

same since!

Nothing is standing between Jesus

and me any longer, and while I don’t

know how He will use my life, I’m

all His.

The peace I now have is amazing,

and I can’t ever thank God enough for

what He did for me!

in a calm, easy motion. If you notice some restriction in the inhalation phase, it means more stretching is required to loosen up.

My favorite, and the one that seems to help me the most, is the piston breath.

Sitting in a chair, breathe rapidly through your nostrils, imitating the motion of an automobile piston.

Take the breath in and blow it out right away; quickly take another one, keeping it going up to at least ten piston breaths. Eventually you should be able to work up to a hundred. Some can get up to as many as two hundred.

Doing a few of these breathing exercises for several minutes a day will make a big difference in your ability to cope with stress.

Also, it is good to develop a regular pattern each day, as it will help you build momentum, making it easier to stay with it!

Of course, there are other things, like diet & full body exercise, that will diminish stress. We’ll cover these in a future issue.

HealtHPoint

ife is full of stressful situations, and the body tends to tighten up before you know it!

Have you noticed when you get uptight, deep breathing helps to relax you?

A good de-stressing exercise is to take a long, deep breath through your nostrils and release it through your mouth several times each day.

A second one you can try is to sit in a chair, bending forward at the waist so your eyes look straight at the floor, hold your feet with your hands, and sit still for five minutes. This will stretch out the lower portion of your back and help to pull up the diaphragm, creating a deeper breath rhythm.

Another exercise is to stand straight against a door, and with your arms extended from your body to the front parallel to the floor, slowly lift them over your head. As you are stretching, monitor your breathing, making sure breath is coming out of both nostrils equally.

Also pay attention to your rib cage, sensing it work back and forth

L

De-stress Your Life

5 6

o you have areas in your life

that you want to keep just for

yourself—areas where you want

to retain control?

The Lord will challenge us

to totally depend on Him rather

than things or people. His desire

and design is that each of us sur-

render completely.

However when we’re insistent

on our own way, He either has to

break us or set us aside.

We can see this clearly in the

animal kingdom. After a horse is

broken, he responds immediately

to his rider’s every instruction.

When we lived in New Or-

leans a few years ago, we had the

privilege each Christmas of pre-

senting the living Nativity at City

Park. We had the usual characters,

as well as live animals.

After each night’s performanc-

es, my boys and I loaded the ani-

mals in our pickup and took them

to City Park Stables about three

miles away.

When we had them fed and

bedded down, we spent some time

looking at the horses that were

boarded there.

One night we saw a huge horse.

“Mr. Cooper’s” back was almost

level with my eyes. I could walk

under his chin without touch-

ing it, and his chest was probably

three feet across.

There’s no way you could

control that animal unless he was

willing to

let you. He

had to be

b r o k e n —

not broken

in spirit but

his will had

to be bro-

ken so he

would sub-

mit to the

direction of

his rider.

Most Christians are only par-

tially broken. Many people still

have a rebellious streak, which

stays hidden in those areas they

want to control.

God’s design for you and me

is hindered by this rebellion. He

wants us to surrender so we can

achieve His potential for us.

The essence of brokenness is

that the Holy Spirit is able to re-

spond unhindered to every event

that comes into our life.

The Lord wants obedience

ToTal DepenDence

in spirit, soul and body so His

character and power can flow

through us.

He understands our needs and

works with us to bring about total

surrender to Him.

So, why

can’t God

just break

us once and

that be the

end of it?

I b e -

lieve there

are at least

t w o r e a -

sons. The

first is for

s p i r i t u a l

maturity. Change is required for

us to grow up in God.

Let’s look at the life of Moses

(Exodus 2:11-15 & 3:1-4).

You remember the story. Moses

acted independently by killing the

Egyptian. But God wanted Moses’

reliance on Him rather than the

arm of the flesh.

Moses had to let go of his pow-

er, authority, wealth and position,

so the Lord could use him.

To liberate the children of

Israel, God had to break him of all

self-reliance and self-confidence.

The second reason that break-

ing is necessary is for supernatural

ministry. Whatever the Lord has

called you to do requires His su-

pernatural power.

Realize that, as with Moses,

God frequently only gives us the

next step. He doesn’t always show

us the whole picture up front,

because He wants us to learn to

walk by faith.

The Lord wanted Moses and

the people to understand that it

was God Himself that delivered

them, not a man.

Moses’ part was to submit.

The Lord did all the rest—sent

the plagues, opened the Red Sea,

provided food, clothes, water.

The breaking process is so that

God can bring us to the place where

His purpose can be fulfilled.

Where are you in the process?

Are you broken or being broken?

Are there difficulties in your

life right now? Realize this may

be God’s design to bring about

yieldedness in you.

Let Him have His way—His

plan is to use you for His glory, and

it takes total dependence on Him

to get there!

D

7 9

n John 12:24, Jesus is sharing with

His disciples the parable

of a grain of wheat. What

is He telling them? Is He

really talking about seed

time and harvest? Or is

there something more

He has in mind?

The disciples under-

stood the principles of

planting. If you do not

plant, you will not see

new life coming forth.

Wheat must be put

in the ground in order

to become a stalk that

can produce abundance.

You can have a grain of wheat in

your hand as you walk through the

most fertile soil in the county, but

unless you put it in the ground, it

remains alone.

The old, hard outer shell has to

be broken open before the shoot can

push its way up through the soil and

into the sunlight.

But Jesus was talking about more

than a grain of wheat, wasn’t He?

For one thing, He was referring

to Himself. He was willing to die,

be buried and rise again so that He

could give us life ... His life! And

LIFE is ours as we re-

ceive Him.

As we sow to the

Spirit instead of the

flesh, His life will be

evident for all to see.

Jesus was very clear

about what He re-

quired of His disciples.

“If any man will come

after Me, let him deny

himself, and take up

his cross, and follow

Me” (Matt.16:24).

The world lives

by the soul (mind, will & emotions)

and their physical senses (sight, touch,

taste, smell & hearing). Their spirit is

not alive to God, and therefore, these

are their only options.

Christians, however, realize that

God has a plan and purpose for every-

thing He brings into our life.

Is your old, hard outer shell bro-

ken so His new life in you can begin

to push its way into the sunlight?

When you give up trying to do

things in your own strength, Christ’s

power can break through your life,

and produce abundant fruit.

I

A Grain of Wheat

8

Dear Treasured Friend,

The woman in our feature story lived a life of trauma. Look-

ing back, she had many regrets. However, as you’ll see, God has given her a new lease on life, and she is being used to encourage others in their pain!

Victory begins and ends with surrender! If we choose to run our own show, we will live a mediocre life at best. God wants each of us to live a victorious life—His plan includes brokenness.

Our HealthPoint article will give you some techniques to cope with the stresses of life. Stress can’t be avoided, but we can be better prepared to handle it when it comes.

We sent out green cards the last two months asking if you would like to remain on our list to receive The InnKeeper and our update letters. Many have responded, but if you have not, please take a moment and let us know your wishes.

We pray the IK is a blessing to you! If so, please consider sharing a financial gift, as it takes all of us pulling together to continue building God’s Kingdom! Warm Blessings,

Faith Family Ministries 4011 Fenworth CourtFort Mill, SC 29715Locations in SC & GA 803.554.HOPE (4673) fffm@faithfamily.net - www.faithfamily.net

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