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INTRODUCTION• We spend up to 80% of our conscious hours using

four basic communication skills.• Writing• Reading• Speaking and• Listening • Listening accounts for more than 50% of our time !• 40% of our walking time is just listening !

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• We listen in spurts.• We can’t concentrate for more than sixty seconds at a time. Our attention lags, then we concentrate again.• Ask yourself what speed of speech you’re capable of listening to ?• We can heard guesstimates of from 50 to 300 w.p.m.• In reality, we are capable of listening at the phenomenal speed of 750 to 1200 w.p.m. !• Then why don’t we hear what people tell us ?• Because we’re bored – that’s why ?• There’s not enough to keep our brain occupied when people speak at normal speeds.• So what happens ? We all go on side-trips where we may :

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• Start finding examples of something the person’s discussing ;• Wonder why our spouse was in such a bad mood that morning ; • Admire something someone is wearing and wonder where they bought it ;• Wonder if it’s time for coffee break.• Radio and Television have turned most of us into lazy listeners.• It takes practice and concentration to stay ‘tuned in’ to what’s being said.• There are several ‘problem listeners’ that we all have to deal with. Here are few.

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KINDS OF BAD LISTENERS

• Bashful People : Because shy people expect others to draw them out, they place emotional demands on everyone they’re with. If they don’t receive this attention, they tune out. Most shy people aren’t aware of this negative behaviour, nor of the demands it places on others around them.

•Anxious People : Because they lack confidence, they are nervous chatterers. They worry about what they’re going to say next, which leaves little room for listening others.

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•Argumentative people : They’d argue with Einstein about his theory of relativity ! They nit-pick small details, which break conversational flow.

• Opinionated people : They spend their energy formulating arguments, rather than listening to others. They interrupt and begin every other sentence with ‘but….’. These people may be overly anxious to impress others, but they often produce the opposite effect. People ‘tune them out.’.

• Closed minded people : The most infuriating of bad listeners : they have rigid sets of values and find security in their prejudices. Any new ideas or changes leave them feeling threatened.

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How to combat poor listeners ?

• When faced with these poor listeners, use feedback to explain how you feel. Use of tact and empathy will assist you in helpingthem to become better listeners.

• Explain to closed-minded people that they’ve literally shut youout that their unwillingness to listen to your ideas makes you feelrejected and unimportant.

•If you explain this, and the person continues to behave the same way, you can :(a) Put up with it or (b) Use feedback steps

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• Most poor listeners aren’t aware of their failing.• Your feedback may be helpful in changing their attitude and behaviour.

•Then what is feedback ? Among the wide range of human types, there are always a fewpeople who are more difficult to deal with than others. A verydifficult person isn’t just someone who is having a bad day or with whom you have a personality conflict. A very difficult person is difficult often with most people.

* You can use feedback effectively in dealing with such people.However, because the risks are greater that your attempt will backfire, you need to prepare extra carefully before you approach them.

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• Thorough advance preparation is especially valuable when you’re

having problems with those in a position of power, such as yourSupervisor, a boss, a parent or an older person.

1. Determine the problem : Identify the specific behaviour that’s Unacceptable, who is affected by the behaviour, and how frequentlyit occurs. Concentrate on behaviour the person can do something about. If the problem occurs only with one person, it’s most likely apersonality conflict rather than difficult behaviour.

2. Examine relationships : Clues to the possible causes of the negative

behaviour will be found by examining how the difficult person interacts with others. Determining why the behaviour occurs and whyit’s annoying you will help find solutions.

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3. Determine the cost of the problem behaviour : Whether it’s a lostproductivity, general discomfort or lower morale, difficult behaviouralways carries a cost. The behaviour should be ignored if you can’tdetermine any costs.

4. Prepare for the confrontation : Should you have determined thecosts are too high, it’s now time to speak to the offender. What special concerns do you have about the problem ? What difficultiesmight you experience in the discussion ? How will you handle theseproblems ? Be ready for most situations you may face. Determinewhat you want to accomplish, then set up a meeting where you’ll have privacy and enough time to discuss the situation.

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5. Rehearse thoroughly : Rehearse the trying situation before handwith a friend. Your friend should have as much knowledge of thesituation as possible. This way, he or she can formulate good arguments and be able to anticipate what the other person’s objec-tions or reactions might be. The adage that practice make perfectworks here. Remember that the person you’re eventually going todeal with has not had the opportunity to practice.

6. Find a solution : In a non-accusatory manner, explain why it concerns you. Give specific facts. Try not to offer your opinion as understanding. Identify the change in behaviour you’re seeking.Be open to changing your solution, if it’s inappropriate. Listen tothe person’s ideas about how he or she can solve the problem. Express confidence in the person’s ability to change.

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7. Agree on a plan of action : Work towards a solution acceptable to both parties.

8. Obtain a commitment : Get agreement on specific actions the person will take, and set a deadline for these actions. Ask the person to confirm that he or she will do what’s been agreed upon.

9. Follow up with the person : Recognise and comment on any progress you’ve observed. Re-evaluate the action plan and reviseit if necessary. If there’s been no change, repeat the process.

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COPING STRATEGY

One solution may be to make the best of a bad situation. You can minimise the damage caused by the difficult behaviour by :

Remaining calm. Don’t argue with the person or make accusations. Using your listening skills to check your understanding Being firm – Decide in advance what behaviour you will or will not accept, and don’t let yourself be pushed beyond this limit. Being persistent and consistent in your response, which conveys to the difficult person that you mean what you say. Believing in yourself and your ability to deal with others. Looking for ways to lessen your exposure to the behaviour, or to reduce the causes of the behaviour.

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BLOCKS TO EFFECTIVE LISTENING

There are other things that can lead you astray when listening.Ask yourself which ones are problems for you.

• You had trouble understanding the speaker’s words or lacked the knowledge to grasp the message. (The speaker was using unfamiliar language, jargon or technical terms.)• You were thinking of what you were going to say while the speaker was talking.• You were preoccupied with how strongly you disagreed with the speaker’s views.

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• You listened for what you wanted to hear.• You were too tired mentally to work at paying attention.• There were outside noises and distractions.• The speaker had poor delivery – slow, windy, irrelevant, rambling or repetitious.• Something the speaker said intrigued you, you thought about it, and when you tuned back in, you’d lost the thread.• The speaker had an accent that you found difficult to understand.• You tuned out because you thought you knew what the speaker’s conclusions were going to be.• You forgot to use paraphrasing and feedback in listening effectively.• You felt you were being given far too much information.

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How to improve your Listening Skills ?

1. You must care enough to want to improve. Without this motivation

it’ll be too much effort.2. Try to find an uninterrupted area in which to converse. Keeping your train of thought is difficult when there are obstructions to concentration.3. Try not to anticipate what the other person will say.4. Be mindful of your own biases and prejudices, so they don’t unduly influence your listening.5. Pay careful attention to what’s being said. Don’t stop listening in in order to plan a rebuttal to a particular point.6. Be aware of ‘red flag’ words that might trigger an over-reaction or a stereotyped reaction. Examples of this are ‘women’s libber’ or or ‘male chauvinist’

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7. Don’t allow yourself to get too far ahead of the speaker by trying to understand things too soon.8. At intervals, try to paraphrase what people have been saying. Give them the opportunity to learn what you think you’ve heard them say.9. When you have difficulty determining the point of the speaker’s remarks, say, ‘Why are you telling me this?’10. Watch for key or buzz words if you find you’ve lost the train of the conversation. This happens particularly when the speaker is long-winded or has a tendency to ramble.11. Don’t interrupt to demand clarification of insignificant or irrelevant details.