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LITTLE AUDREY’S STORY a musical

By E. J. Ward

(FX: AIR RAID SIREN – DRONE OF DISTANT BOMBERS APPROACHING)

(This is the story of Little Audrey, born in wartime, who carries the plague-bug of her day, FEAR, and passes it down through the generations. A feisty little girl, she is a composite of many people I know whose fathers went away to war leaving behind a gap and a sense of betrayal. They call it “the missing father syndrome” common in the aftermath of war: the search for a man who will heal the fear and fill the gap. Some call it the search for God, some call it the search for the Self. It is unruly, outspoken and forthright and it has a HAPPY ENDING.)

PART ONE

(FX + MUSIC: Sings Too toodle-oo, toodle-ee etc)

Little Audrey went out for a walk one day and she met a soldier who said he’d give her a penny if she showed him her knickers. And Little Audrey laughed and laughed and laughed because she knew perfectly well she never wore knickers.

(Sings Too toodle-oo etc)

Little Audrey went out for a walk one day and she met a soldier who said if she came behind the bicycle shed he would show her his gun. And Little Audrey laughed and laughed because she knew perfectly well he hadn’t got a gun.

(MUSIC)

Little Audrey sat on a wallJump my darling Daddy will catch.

Little Audrey sat on a wallIt is too high and I might fallJump my darling Daddy will catch.

Little Audrey sat on a wallIt is too high and I might fallI am too young I am too smallI cannot jump it is too tall.

Jump my darling, you can trust DaddyJump my darling Daddy will catch.And she jumped And her legs were brokenAnd her father said That will teach you never to trust a man.

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(Am I alright? Am I going round the bend, up the creek, down the drain? Do I need someone? Do I need someone to take care of? Someone to take care of me?)(MUSIC + FX: A BOMBING RAID)

Cos I am a War babyAnd I am afraid babyAnd fear is a plague babyAnd I’ve got itI am a bombed babyA cry-in-the-night babySo hold me tight babyI can’t stop it..

So don’t let goDon’t let goDon’t let go of me baby.Whoever you are you’ll do.Say you’ll see me through.

And don’t you lean on meDon’t you lean on meDon’t you lean on me babyCos I wanna lean on you.I wanna lean on youSo see me throughI want you toYou’ll do.

Cos I am a cry-babyI’ve been hurt bad babyAnd now I’m sad babyAnd you know it.I am a blitzed babyI get the shakes babyI make mistakes babyI blow it.

So don’t let go etc.

“BUT THOU CANST NOT MAKE FROM OTHERS THE ONE . . THE ONE . . . . ”

(What’s happened? What’s happened?Something has happened,Where is my Daddy?Why has he gone?

Who are these people?Are we going to stay here?

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Where is my Daddy?Something is wrong.I don’t want to go and stay with peopleI don’t want to go and stay with peopleI don’t want to go and stay with peopleCan we go home now?

They gave me a dollyThey’ve taken my photoTo send it to DaddyWhere has he gone?

What has happened? Is it my fault?Is it dreadful? Did I do it?I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean toIs it my fault? What have I done?

I don’t want to go and stay with peopleCan we go home now?I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean toI’m sorry I’m sorry I will try harderI’m sorry I’m sorry I will do betterI’m sorry I’m sorry what have I done?)

(MUSIC + FX: BOMBS FALLING)

(SINGS) But you gotta be braveWhen the bombs are fallingBrave when your heart is burstingAnd you mustn’t cry ever ever everOr they’ll come and ask what’s wrong.And you mustn’t tell them ever ever everYou gotta be strong.

Cos they’re in a worse messThey’re in a shitty messThey’ve got nothing but liesAnd animals’ cries.But you mustn’t overhear itMustn’t know what’s said,They must never know you’ve heard itYou’re supposed to be in bed.

And your eyes are shut and your breathing’s even“Sleep tight Darling, Lovely day tomorrow,Don’t touch your body, God doesn’t like it,Shall we say our payers now? God Bless Daddy,

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It’s only the war makes him ill.And please try to keep your hands still!”It’s alright Mummy, Don’t cry Mummy,I’ll look after you Mummy there’ll be enough food.It isn’t a bomber it’s only an aircraft carrier going over,And don’t worry about Hitler, he’s rude.

But they’re up there at night and they’re out to get youAnd they don’t even know your nameAnd the sky is full of hate and they want to kill youAnd every night it’s the same.

There’s only the scream of the falling bombsAnd the scream of the falling buildingsAnd the scream in your heart when the explosion comes And the scream of the frightened children.

But you never let on you’re afraidIt’s only a raid.

(RAID ENDS. CHIRPY MUSIC)

Me and Tommy are going out to kill Hitler.It was my idea.We’ve got up out of our beds in the middle of the nightTo kill Hitler.I expect they’ll send a search party out soon.

We’ve reached the corner by the main road now.We’re not supposed to go this far.My, won’t they be appalled when they find we’ve gone out to kill Hitler.It was my idea.

They’d better find us soon we’re nearly at the Co-op.I’m surprised we haven’t been missed actuallyTommy is only four. He belongs to the people we’re staying with.I’m six. Tommy says he’s always wanted to kill HitlerBut it was my idea.

He’s getting tired he says. He wants to go back.I’ve said I’ll go on alone.

Tommy has sat down on the pavement and is crying.He says can we go out and kill Hitler another night. I’ve said we should make sure we’re missed first.

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Tommy says he’ll tell them in the morning.

Actually I’m rather tired too. Maybe we should put it off until tomorrow?

I have always wanted to kill Hitler.

(ANGELIC MUSIC)

I am building a chapel in the garden. To the Glory of God. Little Audrey’s Chapel. Saint Audrey. It is very possible I shall see a sign. A burning cross is most likely. Something of that nature.The problem about being good is that no-one notices. They only notice when you’re bad. You have to be radiant. All things bright and beautiful all creatures great and small. All things wise and wonderful the Lord God made them all. Amen. Thou knowest thy servant lovest thee for she hath built a chapel in thy name. Amen. And God Bless all the animals. Amen.Radiant.

I shall convert the heathen.

( MUSIC ENDS. FX: HOSPITAL NOISES)

I am in isolation hospital with scarlet fever.The girl in the next bed is thirteen. She is very big and red with a mouth like a fish.

I suppose you know Jesus died for you on the cross?I wondered if you’d like to join me in a short hymn or a prayer?You see God cares about all his children. Even you.Just fold your hands and close your eyes.

Dear God. Look down on thy children who lovest thee and make them well again. Amen.Say Amen Betty.

What do you mean a funny voice?That’s praying! Haven’t you heard anyone praying before? Don’t you go to Church on Sundays?Where do you go then?Behind the bicycle shed? What for ?But what do you want to meet soldiers for?What things?That’s where your knickers are and where you wee-wee and God doesn’t like it.

You can’t go in the boys’ ward Betty, Sister will catch you.

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Well write him a letter then.Why can’t you write it yourself?Alright, I’ll write it for you. Can you sign your name?

He’s in the corridor. IN THE CORRIDOR!

She likes yo! She’s gorra lerrer for yo! You should see what she’s got up her nighty!

Quick Betty! Come back quick! Sister’s coming!

A note for me?He wants to meet me.The dark one. He says his name’s John.Oh no, I shan’t let him kiss me.Of course I’m not frightened.Alright, alright. I’m going. Don’t push me!

(MUSIC)He kissed me.It was very hot.He wants to do it again tomorrow.I don’t know.Maybe.

(SINGS)Where you live quiet horses rideAnd trot together side by sideAnd lift their noses to the tideWhere you live Where you live.

Where you live all the daisies comeAnd sit together in the sunWith blinking eyes and coats undoneWhere you live Where you live

Be kind to me, be kind to me, I am so little poor and smallAnd I have no friend at all.

Come with me then come and playAnd we will gather flowers all dayAnd laugh and tumble in the hay.

Where you live coloured fishes gleam,And hang suspended in a beam

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Of sunlight in a silent streamWhere you live . . . (MUSIC STOPS)

(What’s happened, what’s happened?Something has happenedSomething quite awful has happened to my body.

I daren’t take my clothes offSomething is wrong with meSomething quite dreadful, I’m ashamed.

Don’t let them look at me,Don’t let them know about it,Don’t let them notice me,I’m dirty!)

(SINGS)But you gotta be brave When the boys are watchingBrave when you know you’re blushingAnd you mustn’t let them see you’re shyCos that only makes it worse,And you mustn’t ever tell them whyIt’s only the curse.

But you’re down on your knees And your stomach is screamingRed-hot knives are tearing you openAnd you’re banging your head to keep from cryingBut it’s only your period painsAnd they let you off games.

(SONG)Lying in the long grassAa aa ahhLying in the long grassAa aa aahWhen the sweet sap risesAnd the green leaf opensLying in the long grass.

Lying in the long grassAa aa aahLying in the long grassAa aa aahWhen the green leaf opensAnd the hot sun ripens

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Lying in the long grass.

Lying in the long grassAa aa aahLying in the long grassAa aa aahWhen the hot sun ripensAnd the sweet flower opensAnd my soul awakensLying in the long grassLying in the long grassWhen the sweet flower opens.When the sweet flower opens.

(SONG)The Black BarnDon’t go to the Black BarnThey’ll say you’re a bad girlIf you do.The Black BarnIs only for bad girlsIt isn’t for nice girls like you.

But OoooohMy senses are reelingAnd OoooohI like the feeling.

Bad bloodYou know you’ve got bad bloodYour Dad was a bad manLike youA betrayerHe was a betrayerAnd you’re a betrayer too.

But Oooooh My body’s aching Oooooh my body’s hungryOooooh my body wants to

Go to the Black BarnGo with a Big BoyGo with a Bad BoyWho’s untrueI want itI know he’s a Bad BoyI know it’s a Bad Thing to do.

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(SONG)But OoooohIt’s only a little bit of funAnd OoooohIt doesn’t hurt anyoneIt’s just having a nice time reallyAnd everybody does itIn fact they think you’re dikey if you don’t.

And OoooohIt’s nice to have a manOooooh Someone to hold your handIt brings you closer together reallyAnd everybody does itIn fact you think he won’t like you if you don’t.

And OoooohIt’s nice to wake up in bedOooooh With a loving day ahead,It’s just having a relationship reallyAnd everybody does it In fact you think if you fight it you’ll be alone.

And OoooohIt’s only a little bit of funAnd OoooohIt doesn’t hurt anyone.

(And so you got married.Just like that.Because everybody did itAll your friends,You went to their weddingsAnd you liked their presents.And so you did it tooTo show you had a mind of your own.)

THE WORN PATH FOLLOWS THE SHORTEST ROUTE

(SONG: REPRISE)But what do they call this then – sex?A stranger at the back door who needs feeding?And what do they call this then – love?

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A warrior on the carpet who keeps bleeding.

But Oooooh I love the lovingAnd Oooooh I crave the cravingAnd Oooooh I want the wantingAnd Oooh the rest is not worth having.

But he is a bad lotAnd you know he’s a bad lotCos it had to be said in the endThat not only did he sleep with his best friend’s wifeBut his best friend’s wife’s best friend.

For he is a sad caseAnd you know he’s a sad case Cos he’s almost as sad as you.And he’s a betrayerAnd he will betray youAnd you will betray him too.

(Because the pain requires the knife for self-expressionYou gotta go through it.And Love requires Betrayal for a ConfessionYou gotta do it.)

(SONG: REPRISE)So don’t let go, don’t let go,Don’t let go of me baby, Say you’ll love me trueJust as I love you.And don’t you cheat on meDon’t you cheat on me,Don’t you cheat on me baby’Or I’m gonna cheat on you.I’m gonna cheat on you.So love me true. As I love you. Be true.

But a husband is only some man you’re married toAnd marriage is only some words you’ve saidAnd the grave is only some place you’re carried toThe grave is only some kind of bedExcept you’re deadExcept you’re deadExcept you’re dead

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“BECAUSE THOU CANST NOT MAKE FROM OTHERS THE ONE THOU SEEKEST . . . ”

(What’s happened, what’s happened ?Something has happenedWhere am I going?What have I done?

What’s happened, is it my fault?Is it dreadful, did I do it?I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean toIs it my fault? What have I done?

I don’t want to be with peopleI don’t want to be with peopleI don’t want to be with peopleSomething is wrong with me.

I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean toI’m sorry I’m sorry I will try harderI’m sorry I’m sorry I will do betterI’m sorry I’m sorry what have I done?)

And Little Audrey laughed and laughed and laughed because she knew perfectly well.

PART TWO

Am I alright?I’m grown up now.I’m a big girl.Should I lose weight?Or should I become a warm and generous person?There does seem to be rather a lot wrong with me.Am I alright?Or should I go home and start all over again?

(SONG)(No don’t touch me I’m alright.I don’t want your sympathy I’m fine.)Only I can’t take the music that‘s allIt makes me cry.

(Don’t look at me so lovingly Don’t understandI don’t want your sensitive reactions, I don’t want to hold your hand

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I’m perfectly alright when I’m alone.)Only I can’t take the paired mallards flying over the riverThey look so at home.(Just let me work this thing out my own way.Can’t I learn about relationships without being with somebody?)Only the music the music calls to meOnly the sky the sky is full of birds flying home.Only the sun sets over the riverOnly the wild geese callAnd fly together into the sun.Only I am alone.

(Am I alright?Am I going round the bend, up the creek, down the drain?Do I need some-one toWash my back in the bath, fill out my income tax returns, Put that bit back on the cooker that keeps falling off?

Do I need some-one toShop for, cook for, wash my hair for, clean the car for?Some-one to look after?Some-one to look after me?“The one, the one , the One Thou seekest?”Who will be there when IGet home, fall over, have an accident, lose my faculties, die?Shall I be all alone?Who will need me? Who will feed me? Shall I get enough to eat?Who will hold me, stroke me, show me what to do, tell me who I am?Who will love me?)

(AND LITTLE AUDREY LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED BECAUSE SHE KNEW PERFECTLY WELL THAT HER LEGS WERE BROKEN.)

(PATTER SONG)So I fell in love with an acting man who was a skunkHe was always drunkAnd did a bunkAnd I was sunk

MY DEAR I WAS OBSessed with the man, he was on my brain, My life was a mess, I was going insane,So I said to the Doctor “What am I to do?”And he said “You“Are in an oedipal state and you love your Dad,“Who you think you hate, and it feels quite bad,“But it’s never too late for introspection,“You fear affection

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“And court rejection“And need direction“And there’s a reality problem here that needs correction.“In a word, there’s a word for what you do “And the word’s PROJECTION!”

But I only wanted to help him because he needed me.He seemed to be damaged somehow, you know what I mean?He seemed so terribly hurt and sensitive reallySo lacking in self-esteem.He just needed some-one that wouldn’t let goAnd somehow it seemed to be meantBecause I was the one and he needed me soI was terribly hurt when he went.

So I fell in love with a drinking man who was always tightAnd we would fightAnd I’d cry all nightAnd serve me right!

MY DEAR I WAS OBSessed with the man, he was on my brain,My life was a mess, I was down the drain,So I said to the Doctor “What am I to do?”And he said “You“Are in an oedipal state and you love your Dad“Who you think you hate and it feels quite bad“But it’s never too late for introspection –“You fear affection“And court rejection“And need direction“And there’s a reality problem here that needs correction –“In a word there’s a word for what you do“And the word’s PROJECTION.” My lover holds me on a tight soft thread,Holds me without coercion tugging gently,Safely as new-baked bread – He cannot hurt or threaten or devour,He’s mine you see,He smuggles love to me At eighty pounds an hour.Wheee!

“Where you live all the daisies comeAnd sit together in the sunWith blinking eyes and coats undone. . .”So I said to the Doctor

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“What’s the matter with me?”And he said “We“Are in an oedipal state, love our Dad, think we hate, feels quite bad, never too late, introspection, affection, rejection, correction, projection, erection, ejection, blah, blah, blah, blah . . . ” BUT

(SINGS)I’m not gonna jump I’m just looking at the waterNOT gonna drown I’m only wavingI just like the view from very high windowsSitting on the ledge with my legs hanging overGetta lotta pain so I takea lotta aspirinBUT I’m never gonna jump unless I’m PUSHED!

(And anyway I’m not going to do it anymoreThis time I mean itI’m not going through it anymoreThis time I’m curedI just don’t feel the need anymore To act out those neurotic compulsionsI’ve matured.And funnily enough I’m working for a very attractive man at the momentAnd he keeps looking at me in a very silly sort of way so of course I ignore itAnd then the other evening he asked me to work late so of course I had toAnd then he asked me to stay on a little bit longer so of course I refusedBut unfortunately just when I went to leave at ten-thirty as plannedThe door handle came off in my hand . . . . )

(MUSIC)(Did you hear that click my love, so soft Oh velvety and smoothA silent well-oiled breath, a sighA change of pressure in the airWhen the door shut with no handle?Trapped!And your long body for baitOr mineIn this room where eyes meet Brimming with messagesUnreadable.)

(SONG)Not only was it that a lark was singing, singing,Not only was it that the sky was blue, blue,Not only was it that church bells were ringing, ringing,Not only was it my true love was true, true,Not only was it I had no thought of betrayingBut unfortunately the stranger had a delightful way of saying

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“Have you ever been to Bexhill-on-sea?”And I liked that.Not only was it that the tide was flowing, flowing,Not only was it that the sea was blue, blue,Not only was it that a soft breeze was blowing, blowing,Not only was it my true love was true, true.Not only was it that I had no thought of betrayingBut unfortunately the stranger had a delightful way of saying“I’ll meet you behind the Co-op”And I liked that.

(SONG)Come into my garden and whee ee eeCan play hey hey hey all day hay Whey hey!Come into my garden and tickle my fingers tickle my toe toe toesTickle ickle ickle my toesThat’s the way it goesAnd whee hee hee can play hay all day hay Whey hey!

Come into my garden and bringBring along your ding dong dingDo your thing with your dingalonga ding-dongAnd sing your song song And tickle my fingers tickle my toe toe toesTickle-ickle-ickle my toesThat’s the way it goesAnd whee hee hee can play hay all day hayWhey hey!And Oo oo ooh it’s only a little bit of funAnd Oo oo ooh it doesn’t hurt anyone.

(Trapped!Where have you come from to this meeting?What is your news?Tell me your story And we will watch the door swing silently ajar again setting us free.This is the News Room. The doors have no handles. Only we have to understand the messageThen we can go.)

(SONG: THE MARRIAGE BETWEEN SEA AND SKY)

The children met their eyes were shyTheir fingers touched but gingerlyThe turning tide was in her eyes

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And deep in his the brimming skiesThey watched each other carefully.He asked if she would come and playShe said she must be home by teaBut when she tried to turn asideShe found she could not leave his eyesThe brimming sky had turned the tideAnd caught her unexpectedly.

He said he’d teach her how to fishShe taught him how to dance and singThey laughed and played and in their eyes(The turning tide the brimming skies)A waning moon began to rise And caught them in a silver sling.

But as they played along the shoreA monstrous wind began to riseThe tide was turning fast he sawAnd she perceived the darkening skiesThey tried to turn they tried to runBut both were caught and held insideThe lowering sky the rising tide.

He said the tide was dangerousShe said the sky was threateningHe said the sky had never changed It was the waves that were too tallShe said the waves were just the sameThe tide had hardly turned at allIt was the sky that was to blame.

And as they argued on the shoreAnd each proclaimed the other liedThey never saw the crashing skiesThey never heard the deafening tideThe mighty ocean swept them o’erAnd left them drowning side by side.

(MUSIC)(If you were the only pebble on the beachAnd I was the only sea-shell in the sandWe would live side-by-side, we would not hideYou would beseech Me to hold your handAnd I would understand.

But you’re not the only pebble on the beach

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And I’m not the only sea-shell in the sandAnd so we hide, we don’t live side-by-sideI can’t beseechYou to hold my handAnd you will never understand.

So I’ll find another pebble on the beachAnd you’ll find another sea-shell in the sand.To try to understand.)

(Will you join me?Shall we associate or merge?Would you like that?And would I?)

(SONG)Will you say “Let me take you out to dinner”And “Here let me carry that for you”And “I’ll see you home after”?

Oh it’s all give and take, I give you takeWhen push comes to shove, I push you shoveDon’t be alarmed there is no mistakeIt’s a human dilemma, let’s call it love.

Shall we be concerned with messages in the night?My whispers in your ear’ole?Heavy breathing and the mighty act of sex?Or do you believe in celibacy and shall we skip that one?

Oh it’s all give and take, I give you takeWhen push comes to shove you push I shoveDon’t be alarmed there is no mistakeIt’s a human dilemma let’s call it love.

Shall we be together in the kitchen?And will you wash while I dry? Or shall we take turns?Do you make avocado stuffed with prawns?Or can we skip that one too?

Oh it’s all give and take, I give you takeWhen push comes to shove I push you shoveDon’t be alarmed there is no mistakeIt’s a human dilemma let’s call it love.

How about it?Will you join me?

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Why? Am I coming apart?

To create a chemical molecule the valencies of all the atoms must be fully satisfied, And the unit that combines the atoms is called a valency bond.Not all elements have the same valency.Sodium for example has a valency of one, calcium two, nitrogen five.If the valency of two elements is incompatible the valency bonds won’t match up,And the nitrogen atom, say, will be dissatisfied because it has free valency bonds that need to be used.According to this theory of personal relationships you can always identify someone unconsciously searching for a relationship by the groping of their unused valency bonds,Of which they are completely unaware.

(SONG)Other people’s husbands at the door,Other people’s husbands asking forA truth that they can varnishA dream that will not tarnishA fantasy that’s leaky as a sieve.

Other people’s husbands Oo oo oohOther people’s husbands want you toCredit them with feelingA love that most appealing And lets them take as much as you can give.

Other people’s husbands out-of-bondsOther people’s husbands mess aroundYou know you’re safe as housesThey’ll never leave their spousesAnd they give you the illusion that you live.And Oo oo oo it’s only a little bit of funAnd Oo oo oo it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Did you know the robin redbreast has a problem?He’s not adapted to domestic bliss.A bit of a loner too, I understand,He never mates for life, but in the spring,To propagate his kind, he seeks a mate.

The problem arrives because he’s predisposed to attack the colour red,And, as his partner too has a red breast, This can create confusion for them both.And as they’re highly territorialThey each regard the nest-site as their own,

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Defending it against the other,As the ornithologist put it, “Bashing each other about”.It seems the days of courtship are the worst, As then their breasts are brightest.Later they may achieve some harmony In order to bring up their progeny.But often the urge to squabble is so strong,They spend their days in beating each other up,Ignoring the helpless cries of hungry offspring.

No wonder their children grow up so contentiousWith such a dreadful home-life.And are you surprised the robin is a loner Wasting his days in thoughtless music-making? The battle of the sexes – he invented it, But he knows how to strut his stuff.

(SONG)Alright. OK. I’m putting on my hat.Just get a load of thatI’m on my way.

This time I’m gonna get yaYou can bet your soul on thatAnd you’ll be glad I met ya, You betcha.

In the past few days I’ve felt a deep dissatisfactionAt the lack of your reactionTo my evident attractionAnd I have to say that I find it a distractionAnd it gives me satisfactionTo snub you just a fraction.(So bugger off you!)

In the last few weeks I’ve felt a bitter sense of yearningAt the lack of your discerningMy deep and inner burningAnd I have to speak of your diffidence concerningThe passions you are spurningAnd the love you’re not returning.(I think you’re emotionally retarded frankly.)

In the past few months I’ve felt a deep humiliationThat you’ve no appreciationOf my constant admirationBut my heart still pumps with a steady palpitationThough I’ve no anticipation

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You’ll accept my invitation.(I believe there’s something wrong with your glands.)In the past few years I’ve found it hopelessly confusingTo learn that I am losingThe charms I had been usingAnd I’ve shed some tears at the way you’ve been abusingAnd openly seducingThe girls you’ve been perusing

(Oh it’s not your fault really I know that, You can’t help your disposition any more than I can,And if there was another sex around I’d blame them. But there isn’t, You’re all I’ve got. And sometimes it seems insufferable That you should get away with What you’ve done to me in the past two thousand years.)

(SONG)On your bike you’re a fucking thug And you can’t do one thing rightYour taste in clothes gets up my noseSo why don’t you bloody well write?

Get out of my hair you silly sodI just wish you’d leave me aloneYour drunken fits get on my titsSo why don’t you bloody well phone?

Shut your gob you ignorant slobI hate the songs you singYour lack of class is a pain in the arseSo why don’t you bloody well ring?

Get out of my life you arrogant shitYou act like you’re miles above meYour air of disdain just gives me a painSO WHY DON’T YOU BLOODY WELL LOVE ME?

(Just as I thought I was getting it together it seems it is falling apart. Maybe the jelly didn’t set properly? Maybe I dished it out too early? In any event it’s wobbling terribly, Wobbling right from the start.

It doesn’t seem to survive the togetherness, The words that must be said,

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The basic structure of meals, shopping, bathroom usage, Walks in the park.) (BLUES INTRO)And yet if is to be anyone you are the one.How shameful that I can’t hold it together.What a mess!Jelly all over the place!Evidently I dished it out too earlyOr need a stronger kind of jelly.

(SONG)Cos rain stopped playRain stopped playAlthough it was predictedIndeed to be expectedThe game had hardly startedI’d just begun to learn the rulesWhen rain stopped play.

Rain stopped playAnd God how I’d enjoyed itMy heart was on a singing hillThe blood was rushing through my bonesMy body like a waterfallWhen rain stopped play.

Rain stopped playJust as the score was evenJust when we reached the topmost peakJust as I saw the far-off hillsAnd felt the wind across my cheekRain stopped play

(I want to talk to the child.I want to talk to the little girl please, The little girl inside.It seems she has some kind of a problem.

She says you gave her a present and then took it away again.Is this true?The message was somewhat garbled.She says she was given a mother . . or brother . . [The line was indistinct]Which was just what she’d always wantedWho gave her to understand everything would be alright nowAnd then went away.She says you took it away, but I’m a little sceptical about this As I know she’s very confused

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And I’m afraid she may have lost it Or even thrown it away. Anyway I was wondering if you find this mother . . . or brother . . Or maybe it was LOVER she meant, the line was very indistinct,Would you make sure and give it back to her?I think it would put her mind at rest.You know how children get things out of proportion -She’s doing her best.)

Cos rain stopped playRain stopped playAnd now the wound is achingThe empty place is waitingThe torn-off bit still throbs with painMy body wants it back againWants to continue with the game . . . . .

Baby in pram crying in the streetAlone. Ah. Ah. Abandoned and alone.Huge globes of tears shaken by worlds of grief.Gasping the tide sweeps over her again.Ah. Who can mend this loss? Fill this great void?Where is she? Ah. Make it right again.For hours it seems no end to desolation.

Mother appears: “Temper temper”Dummy in mouth: “Here stick this in”Baby surprised. Plugged.Is this what I meant? This thing-in-the-mouth?Will this plug up the hole against the ocean?Is this the answer to my problem thenBringing me back to safety and the known?

Oh baby ask no questions, bite on that.Oh baby, bite on that.

(SONG)I met this fella the other weekA casual encounter so to speakAnd he wasn’t too bad so I felt quite gladTo go back to his place for a bite to eatBut he was uncleanYou know what I mean?UncleanThough it couldn’t be seen. He’d got this thing that you see on the box

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He’d got the pox.The pox.As it happened I never saw the fella againBut after a while it became quite plainThat the present that he had given to meWas not the sort of present you would want to nameI was uncleanYou know what I mean?UncleanThough it couldn’t be seenAnd though nobody knew why I wasn’t too pleasedI was diseased.Diseased.

So I went to the clinic and I sat in a rowAnd there I got talking to a girl I knowWho’d begun to fret because she’s not cured yetAnd she was infected ten years ago.She is uncleanYou know what I mean?UncleanThough it can’t be seen.She goes to the clinic three times a week at four thirtyBecause she’s dirty.Dirty.

Now the end of my story is rather sadBecause I’ve fallen in love with a very nice ladAnd I’d share his life in fact I’d be his wifeIf it wasn’t for the fact that I feel so badAnd unclean uncleanYou know what I mean?UncleanThough it can’t be seen.I can tell from your sighs and the look in your eyes you’re disdainfulAnd it’s painful.Painful.

(MUSIC)My body holds my spirit’s ill Like poison in a cup.By act of will it holds it stillAs if it fears a drop to spillAnd will not give it up.

(SONG - REPRISE)Not only was it that our words were knowing, knowing,Not only was it that our eyes were cold, cold,

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Not only was it our mistrust was growing, growing,Not only was it many lies were told, told,Not only was it we had no way of sayingThat what we wanted most was an end to betrayingBut we had no more words left.And we knew that.

(I am in pain again it seemsI have been here before.You will say “How extremeHow highly coloured these emotions areAnd how unlike the home-life of our own dear Queen.”And I will say Life is like this -Pain/BlissA pause to get things clear Then more Pain/Bliss.

But it’s the pain I fearAnd it’s the fear I hideThe wound that’s in my sideThat’s why I can’t beseech You to understandAnd cannot reach My hand out for your handI only hideAnd suffer deep inside.I try to listen for the still small voice withinBut I can’t hear it above the din . . . )

(SONG - REPRISE)Our Father which art in this hot place, this din, these bodies loved ones loved once, loud with booze, bopping, stoned eyes bright, reeling, the music rolling, rocking, drowning alone in agony

Too much, the pain too muchThe music says it all so clear it hurtsOur Father your arms our drowningAgony is here now at its worst.

Miserere Loud the pain reelingMiserere I remember I remember the feeling

O loud, O loud the music cryingI am afraid here I want to go homeIt hurts it hurts too much I am too youngI cannot make this journey on my own

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Too loud too many people hurting soI want to leave this party LET ME GO!On earth on earth as it isDone like this on earthStanding alone at the world’s endI long for another birth.

(SONG)Miserere my soul knows the journeyMiserere the long road unforgotten wounds in the same placeMiserere wound upon woundsWandering dazed the known roadMiserere Miserere.

I dreamed it was cold dark late afternoon at the zoo and the reptile house was empty. The winter visitors had departed leaving me alone beside the huge pit where the great beast lay. Prehistoric. Over two thousand years old they said.The pit was black and silent. Nothing to suggest an antique form mountainous and gleaming. No sound. Terrified I climbed down to the black shadow where he lay.The giant form was motionless. His ancient skin hung loose around his neck, his eyes were closed. So tired he looked. My God so tired and old. And all alone in this dark place abandoned.Asleep? Or dead? Oh no not dead! Have we let this light go out? I put out my hand to touch his reptile hide. Oh let him not be dead!Oh! Soft! Oh silken soft! And warm! So soft! Huge tears break from my eyes. I put my arms around his neck and lay my head on his soft face weeping. Alive! Oh yes he is alive!He lets me weep then “You have come” he says.“Oh yes” I cry “But late. So late I feared you would be dead.”“I knew you would come” he says.Oh what joy! What love! What closeness in his silky fur! I give him buns weeping with relief. I have found him!

Ten years pass. I go to parties, dance my way around the world, flattered by the foolishness of others. I have forgotten him. The world is a seductive place.And Oo oo ooh it’s only a little bit of funAnd Oo oo ooh it doesn’t hurt anyone.

And then one day fear strikes. My love? I have forsaken you.For ten long years no-one to feed him no-one to give him buns.All alone in that dark place he will have starved to death.Sobbing with terror down to the pit again. Nothing has changed. In ten long years he has not moved. His eyes are closed. He is dead. I have done this. I have let this light go out. How can I hold the grief? I have betrayed him.

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Then the quiet voice. “I knew you would come back.”“You are alive? I thought you would be dead. I have been away ten years.”“I am not dead. I waited for you.”I hold his huge head in my arms sobbing with love, with pain, with something deeper – Can I be loved like this?

And it is a man I am holding. A real living breathing man.And he is smiling. And I know him. And I say “It is you.”And he says “Yes.”And I say “You have waited for me?”And he says “Yes.” And then he says:

(SONG)“Close your eyes and I’ll tell you a mysteryA mystery breathing gently close your eyesIn the kingdom inside the inner kingdom livesA shining egg on a throne of goldHe is not lonely so there is no worryHe is not waiting so there is no hurryHe lives there only and he is very very old.

“With eyes closed breathing gently oh so gentlyLet us go into the silence deep insideLet us go gently together gentlyAnd I shall be your guideListening to the shining of the silenceWatching the breathing of the silence shiningIn the kingdom inside the inner kingdom we will bide.”

(SONG)“There is a space here where it is silentA sort of listening like a relationshipHere at the centre where time has no place.Listen oh listen to the sound of the waitingWhat is the answer? Only the silence.What is the question? Only the space.”

As I’m not the only pebble on the beachAnd you’re not the only sea-shell in the sandI need the fear the wound that brings us nearSo I can reach my hand out for your handAnd know my fear and know you’re here.

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I cannot hide the wound insideI need your hand to understand“THOU CANST NOT MAKE FROM OTHERS THE ONE THOU SEEKESTEXCEPT FIRST THERE BE MADE ONE THING OF THYSELF”

(SONG - REPRISE)Now the skies are clearing Aa aa aahAnd the sea is calming Aa aa aahAnd the storm clouds fadingAs the East gives warningThat a new day’s dawningAnd a bright sun climbingAnd a sweet sky shiningOn this clear still morning.

(When her legs were better Little Audrey got up and went out for a walk. And she saw a clever man alerting people to the dangers in their midst:

“Quick quick the skies are falling Quick quick the earth is warming Quick quick the ice is melting Quick quick the water’s rising Quick quick our debts are mounting. Quick, quick the pound is falling Quick quick the world is turning . . . ”

And Little Audrey laughed and laughed and laughed because she could see perfectly well that his trousers were on fire.

And the clever man shot himself.

To prove that the world was not a safe place.

And to put out the fire in his trousers.)

Copyright E. J. Ward 2013

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