Love and IntimacyChapter 4

FORMER HSC 425 STUDENTS

Love and Marriage in America, 1750

ARRANGED MARRIAGE Usually between the fathers of both

parties Sons and daughters of a father will be

matched at a young age until marriage A “good match” is one that will increase

the wealth of both families This continues to courting, which quickly

leads to marriage

MARRIAGE Because of the short life expectancy in

the old days, couples were usually arranged at a young age

“Bundling” was a practice that was used typically to encourage a couple to get to know each other more, NO SEXUAL RELATION!

In most Western cultures, marriages are motivated by love and intimacy between two people

There are also other ways of dating that many people consider besides the usual long commitment relationships

Can you name some?

TODAY’S “DATING”

WHAT IS LOVE?

TWO THEORIES OF LOVE Robert J. Sternberg’s theory: “triangular

theory of love” John Allen Lee’s theory: “styles of love”

TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE Three fundamental components of love: intimacy,

passion, and commitment Intimacy: Refers to the emotional closeness that

people feel. Wanting the best for your partner, and being able to share personal thoughts and feelings are examples of the intimacy component.

Passion: The component that deals with physical arousal and attraction. Increased heart rate and the sexual desire to kiss, touch, and make love are examples of the passion component.

Commitment: Refers to the strength of your decision to stay committed, loyal, and faithful to your partner to have a mutually satisfying relationship.

COMBINATIONS OF THE TRIANGLE Components of “The love triangle,” can

be combined to form many types of relationships

Ranges from nonlove (none of the components) to consummate love (all three components)

ONE SIDED TRIANGLE RELATIONSHIPS Intimacy Only- (Liking)

People feel intimacy but without passion or commitment so most likely friends.

Passion Only- (Infatuation)“Spring Break” type of relationship with

sexual heat but not intimacy or commitment

Commitment Only (Empty Love)Parents who stay together for the children

are an example. Relationships with an unlikely future because there is no intimacy or passion

COMBINATIONS OF TRIANGLE RELATIONSHIPS Intimacy+Passion=Romantic Love

Feels romantic regardless of whether you have established a commitment. Example would be two people who have a short term but intense relationship on vacation or an affair.

Passion+Commitment=Fatuous Love Two people with a strong sexual bond who have agreed to

commit to a long lasting relationship. They lack the intimate emotional bond so the relationship seems foolish.

Commitment+Intimacy=Companionate Love Two people who are truly in love with commitment, but

lack the heat and sexual passion. They are more like companions than lovers.

Intimacy+Passion+Commitment=Consummate Love The most complete and fulfilling type of love that can be

achieved.

APPLYING THE TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE Couples can use the Triangular Theory

of Love to assess their relationships. Makes it easy to identify what parts of

the relationships are weak, lacking, or need fixed.

Also shows what areas of the relationship are your strongpoints.

STYLES OF LOVE This theory determines the “kind” of

lover you are depending on how you relate to another partner.

Six major categories make up the styles of love

LOVE STYLE SELF QUIZ1. My partner and I were attracted to

eachother when we first met2. My partner and I have great

physical chemistry3. I feel my partner and I were meant

to be4. I have sometimes had to prevent

two of my partners from finding out about eachother

5. Sometimes I enjoy playing “love games” with several partners at once

6. I believe it is a good idea to keep my partner a little uncertain about my commitment

7. I find it difficult to pinpoint when my partner and I fell in love

8. The most fulfilling relationship grows from a friendship

9. It is necessary to care deeply for someone for a while before you can truly fall in love

10. When I am in love, I am sometimes so excited that I can’t sleep

11. I am constantly worried my partner is with someone else

12. When my partner is busy or seems distant, I feel anxious and sick

13. It is best to find a partner that has similar interest to your own

14. I try to make sure my life is in order before I choose a partner

15. A person’s goals, plans, and status in life are very important to me in choosing a partner

16. I would rather suffer myself than allow my partner to suffer

17. I cannot be happy unless my partner’s happiness is met first

18. I am usually willing to sacrifice my own needs and desires to allow my partner to achieve his or hers

RESULTS Statements 1,2,3 reflect Eros love Statements 4,5,6 reflect Ludus love Statements 7,8,9 reflect Storge love Statements 10,11,12 reflect Mania love Statements 13,14,15 reflect Pragma

love Statements 16,17,18 reflect Agape love Your style is the one where you

answered true to all three questions. If there is not one then choose the answer with the highest amount of trues.

EROS LOVE Characterized as erotic, passionate love These type of lovers emphasize

romance and beauty, and feel urgent sexual desires towards their partner.

Commonly believe in love in first sight or might have even experienced it.

Desire touch above all sensations Eros based relationships tend to die out

quickly because the high passion cannot be maintained for too long

LUDUS LOVE Characterized by playing games These type of lovers enjoy the “game”

of relationships more than the actual relationship.

Often like to seduce and tease their lovers

Very unlikely to form lasting commitment or a relationship altogether.

Sometimes like to begin relationships before ending their prior relationship

STORAGE LOVE Relationship with a central theme of

friendship Usually begin a relationship with a long

friendship that develops into love Sexual part of the relationship develops

late and is not as important as the friendship.

When storge relationships end the friendship can usually continue over time

MANIA LOVE A possessive and controlling relationship

that can also be stalker-like Constantly fearful that their partner will

leave them and must be reassured Characterized by obsession and jealousy Partners of these lovers will often feel

too smothered Mania Lovers can become dangerous

when they feel their partner is pulling away

PRAGMA LOVE Very practical Partners selected in a rational almost

business like manner depending on their requirements

They choose a good “resume” over true love

Often unsatisfying and unsuccessful relationships

AGAPE LOVE A selfless love characterized by a lot of

self-sacrifice Strive to give their partners what they

want without expecting anything in return.

Patient and non-demanding type of love Can be seen as weak because romantic

love should involve giving AND receiving.

APPLYING LOVE STYLES Recognizing you and your partner’s love

styles can help you learn about eachother

Research indicates that some fits work better together

Understanding the different styles can help you notice different signs in your partner’s love style that you may like or dislike

ESTABLISHING EARLY INTIMACY

(TODAY)

FIELD OF ELIGIBLES (FOE)People that you meet that you perceive as having potential as a romantic partner.

Sometimes people areNot aware of their romantic attraction criteria, but we all have them. Sometimes we filter out people that our outside our criteria before we even meet them.

What does F.O.E. stand for?

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PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS“Beautiful is better” biasA research study on effects of physical attractiveness proved this:

• Attractive children are more popular with both classmates & teachers. Teachers give higher evaluations to work of attractive children and have higher expectation of them.

• Attractive applicants have a better chance of getting jobs and receiving higher salaries

• Taller men earned around $600 more a year per inch of height than shorter executives

• In court, attractive people are found guilty less often. When found guilty they receive a more lenient sentence.

MEDIA Media plays a big role to define what make people more attractive than others. Via, magazines, tv, posters, ads ect.

Only 5% of the people in these advertisements look like the pictures

8 out of 10 women express dissatifcation with their bodies.

How many people actually

look like the advertisements

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HISTORY & MEDIAThe medias definition of “beauty” has changed a lot over the years. In the early 1900 “attractive” women were 5’6” and weight 140 pounds.

In 1970’s top fashion models weighed about 8% less than the average American woman. Today 2013 the difference is 23%!!

MATCHING HYPOTHESISPeople tend to be attracted to people who are the same level of attractiveness as them.

researchers have indicated that the level of matching of the pair depends to some degree of nature of the couple.

PROXIMITY In terms of relationships refer to how

close in physical distance you are to another person.

Proximity Effect: 1. the more time you spend physically

together the better romantic relationship you can form.

2. More likely to find more things in common. Such as activities,

3. the Mere Exposure effect: people become more fond of someone the more time they spend with them.

T/F being more attractive can help you make more money?

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COMMUNICATION IN LOVE

RELATIONSHIPS

WHY? Express the positives in the relationship

Encourage a “feel good” environment

Express the negative aspectsDeal with the issues as they arise, not when

they explode

SELF-DISCLOSURE The process of revealing private,

personal, and intimate thoughts, feelings, and information to another personTMI too early can be off puttingGradual increase of SD can deepen intimacyMutual SD can be very gratifyingDifferent for online dating

FIGURE 4.3

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION John Gottman

Misconceptions in relationship patterns Intense fights “can signify highly successful

adjustments that will keep the couple together” “we never fight” isn’t a good sign of relationship

health Relationships grow by reconciling differences

HEALTHY COMMUNICATION PATTERNS Validating Communication

Conflicts resolved in calm discussion/compromise

HEALTHY COMMUNICATION PATTERNS Volatile Communication

Fight, bicker, explode more than average

HEALTHY COMMUNICATION PATTERNS Conflict Avoiding Communication

Avoid conflict altogether

COMMUNICATION WARNING SIGNS Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling

IMPROVING COMMUNICATION Prevention and Relationship

Enhancement Program (PREP)5 keys

Decide, don’t slide Do your part Make it safe to connect Open the doors to positive connections Nurture your commitment

SEXUAL COMMUNICATION

SEXUAL SELF DISCLOSURE Turn ons/offs Sex needs and desires Sex fears and concerns Sex ________________ Sex ________________ Sex ________________

WHY NOT? Lack of Information Embarrassment Sexual Taboos Fear of Judgment Fear of Rejection

IMPROVING SEXUAL COMMUNICATION

Know what you want Insist on your right to postpone a sexual

relationship Be responsible if you engage in “casual sex”

Abusive and Violent

Relationships

The Power

and Control Wheel

of Domes

tic Violenc

e

Name one of the types of

power/abuse on the Power and Control Wheel

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The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

Describes how a violent relationship typically develops

• Honeymoon Phase • Everything seems wonderful• Happy• Exciting • Partners are loyal, devoted,

and caring• It feels like a dream come true

How many of you have felt like this at the beginning of a relationship?

The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

Okay so you’ve been in the relationship for a while…

• Something happens that creates tension between you (ex. A difference of opinion, an activity…)

• It completely disrupts the harmony of the new relationship

Has this happened to anyone?

• THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL!!!!!

• In a healthy relationship, the problem is resolved by talking about it and working through it

Honeymoon Phase cont.

The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

Tension Building Phase

• In an abusive relationship• The problem-solving

approach fails• Tension keeps building• Soon, one person

believes the only way to regain the happiness is to give in to the other persons point of view

• The harmony is regained

• However, another event that causes tension is bound to occur soon enough

The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

Explosion Phase

• Instead of one person giving in to the other, a violent explosion occurs• Yells• Threatens• Ridicules• Insults • Other acts of bullying occur

• Now the victim is afraid and does whatever is necessary to calm things down•Then for the next few days, weeks, or months, the honeymoon phase returns

• As time passes this cycle continues• The explosive events

typically become more violent• Can and usually develops

into physical violence • Honeymoon phase starts

again• The abuser is sorry and

promises it will never happen again• Perhaps buys gifts for the

victim

The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

Cont.

In the first explosion phase, is the violence

usually verbal or physical?

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The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

•During this honeymoon phase-• Victim is constantly trying to make the relationship work• Trying to keep the peace• “walking on eggshells”• Any little thing can trigger another explosion

• Inevitably, another explosion occurs and the cycle keeps restarting

Cont.

Leaving a violent

Relationship

Remember: IT IS POSSIBLE!!!

• Things to do when planning to leave• Assess the abusers danger

level• Guns, typical violent

behavior, knowledge•Have an escape plan

•Know how to get away and where to go

•Have a bag packed for you and give it to a friend to hold•Create a safety net of

trusted people•Keep phone numbers

handy•Know locations to hide

•Obtain a court-ordered restraining order

•This is not guaranteed safety but in most cases it does help

Warning Signs of a Potential Abuser

• Has a history of battering• Uses threats of violence• Breaks and hits objects when

angry• Uses force during an

argument• Displays excessive jealousy• Engages in controlling

behavior• Isolates partner from social

contacts• Displays cruelty to animals

or children• Displays “Jekyll and Hyde”

mood swings

Name a warning sign of a

potential abuser

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