love in later life: myths and realities michael stones professor of psychology lakehead university...
TRANSCRIPT
Love in Later Life: Myths and Realities
Michael Stones
Professor of Psychology
Lakehead University
(PEI October 17, 2014)
Lee and Michael Stones in their
book Sex May Be Wasted on the
Young (1996, 2004) pointed out that
older people considered their
sexuality to be:
(1)A taboo topic they were reluctant
to discuss because of fear that
personal disclosure would elicit
disapproval and disgust from
younger people;
(2)Something real, ongoing, and
important in their lives, despite
being something taboo.
Love in Later Life
That was the past. What I’ll talk
about today is the mingling of
sexuality, love and happiness, with
a stress on love.
In young couples, we readily
accept the importance of sexuality
to a loving relationship that makes
them happy. Is the same true for
older couples?
What little we know about
romantic love in older people comes
Dear Blabby columns advising
lonely old people in new affairs to
keep the heat down (“Cool it,
honey!”) or pictures of sweet gold
weddings couples in formal poses.
Yeah (yawn) right. But are Grandma
and Grandpa still passionate about
each other? Now that’s a question
worth answering. Hotly in love or just
best friends? What do scholars have
to say about love?
Robert Kastenbaum raised this
issue 40 years ago: “Loving is about
more than the counts of sexual
interest and activities … We have
incomplete knowledge unless we
know something about love.”
My graduate student Katie
Lemmerty reviewed research on
later life love since that time. She
found only 4 studies! Why so few?
Are gerontologists blind to love? Is
later life love a taboo topic even
now?
Having questions but no good
answers, we did an exploratory
study. For that, we had to define
love and its properties.
Dictionaries define Romantic
Love as strong and constant
affection linked to attraction and
sexual desire.
Theories and research suggest
three main properties that I’ll refer
to as Shades of Love. I call them
shades because they are separate
but coexist in Romantic Love. They
are:
1)Passionate Love;
2) Companionate Love;
3) Compassionate Love.
Romantic Love
MRI research found that
photographs of a Romantically
Loved partner lit up regions of the
brain associated with reward and
goals. So rather being an emotion
itself, Romantic Love is better
considered a motivation that gives
rise to specific emotions such as
euphoria or anxiety. Such feelings
and passion are integral to an
understanding of love.
Expressions of passion include
yearning for the beloved,
obsessing over that person,
euphoria in his/her presence,
bodily responding to his/her touch,
pleasure from his/her attention.
Passionate Love
Someone passionately loved evokes
in you strong emotions, pervasive
thoughts and a desire for closeness.
But common beliefs about Passionate
Love accord with lyrics from that
famous 15th century folk song, The
Water Is Wide: “When love is old, it
waxes cold and fades away like the
morning dew.”
Not a happy prospect for love in
later life, is it?
On a more optimistic note, those
few research studies on Passionate
Love that included older people did
not find that Passionate Love
inevitably fades away.
Companionate Love
Companionate Love refers to
intimacy, attachment and
commitment. Such friendship and
loyalty elicit “the affection and
tenderness we feel for those with
whom our lives are deeply
entwined.”
Does Passionate Love eventually
morph into Companionate Love, as
commonly believed? Although most
research on Companionate Love was
with young people, even those
findings are conflicting: one study
found that newly-weds had similar
1-year losses in both Passionate and
Companionate Love.
Compassionate Love
Compassion Love includes
awareness of the needs and wants
of your partner and willingness to
put those before one’s own.
Whereas Passionate Love refers to
thoughts and feelings evoked by a
partner, Compassionate Love
includes thoughts and feelings
elicited by your actions taken on
behalf of that partner.
Although we know little about
Compassionate Love in later life,
most studies suggest higher levels
in longer-lasting relationships.
Shades of Love Promote
Happiness
All three Shades of Love bring about
rewards of higher wellbeing. People
high on Companionate Love have
high life satisfaction; those high on
Passionate Love report a surplus of
positive emotions; those high on
Compassionate Love gain in positive
mood from helping their partner,
and have high self-esteem.
However, relationships fail to
endure if the rewards received fail
to balance the pain endured. The
reasons for such pain include
changes in behavior, condition or
life goals by one or both partners.
Our Exploratory Study
We wanted to further knowledge
about later life love by correcting
limitations in previous studies that
likely made the findings
inconsistent.
Specifically, those studies
compared (1) just one or two
Shades of Love, in (2) people of
different ages, or (3) with different
lengths of relationship, but not all
three. Our study remedied these
limitations.
Otherwise, our research
resembled the earlier studies and –
like them – had limitations in
sampling. Because of this, we call
our study ‘exploratory’.
Research Methods
The participants were 274 people
that completed the most useful
measures of Passionate,
Compassionate and
Companionate Love on an
internet portal called Survey
Monkey.
Their ages ranged from 18-74
years (mean = 36 years) with the
majority female (78%). The
lengths of their love relationship
ranged from 1-51 years (mean =
6 years). Most lived with their
partner (60%); most were
unmarried (65%); and almost all
were heterosexual (97%).
Main Findings
I’ll describe here only significant
findings that relate Romantic Love
and its three Shades to age and
length of relationship. Here’s what
we found.
1.Overall, Romantic Love was higher
in longer relationships but lower for
older people in longer relationships.
2.The latter occurred because of
lower Companionate Love for older
couples near their gold wedding
stage. Because enduring mutuality
made their loyalty and attachment a
given, other Shades of Love assumed
greater importance in their love lives.
Main Findings (continued)
Compared to Companionate Love,
Passionate and Compassionate Love
were:
3.Higher at older ages;
4.Lower in longer relationships (i.e.,
without taking account of age);
5.Higher for older people in longer
relationships.
The most important finding is
#5.
What it tells us is that, as people
age and
their relationship lengthens, passion
and
compassion replace commitment
and
loyalty as the most meaningful
shades of
love.
Main Findings (continued)
To illustrate, the chart below
shows that Passionate Love for old
people in long relationships was
higher than for young and middle-
aged people in relationships of any
length. Isn’t that amazing!
Main Findings: Conclusions
Our findings agree with those
from earlier studies that Passionate
Love fades neither at older ages nor
in longer relationships. In fact,
Passionate Love is highest in older
people and, in them, strengthens
more with the passage of time than
in people of any other age.
The same applies to
Compassionate Love but less
dramatically.
In contrast, Companionate Love
is lower in older people and
decreases more in older than
younger people with the passage of
time.
The Glue that Bonds Enduring
Love
The glue that bonds a couple right
through to their golden wedding is
Romantic Love. Although
Companionate Love is an ingredient
that degrades with combination of
age and time, Passionate and
Compassionate Love are both
stronger in older people and
strengthen further with the passage
of time.
Let’s now consider these
ingredients from global and
localized perspectives to figure out
the active agents that make the
glue work.
A Global Perspective
Remember I mentioned that people
high on Passionate and
Compassionate Love were high in
positive emotion, whereas those
high on Companionate Love had
high life satisfaction.
We know from decades of
research that two distinct brain
regions contribute to emotional
experiences. These regions underlie
(1) the pleasant-to-unpleasant
aspect of emotion and (2) the
degree emotional arousal. Well, the
emotions associated with the three
Shades of Love differ on the latter
but not the former.
High Arousal as an Active Agent
Feelings associated with Passionate
and Compassionate Love have high
arousal, whereas those associated
Companionate Love do not.
Therefore, high arousal may be an
active agent in the glue.
A Localized Perspective
Earlier mention of brain imagery
research depicted emotions arising
from Romantic Love as outcomes of
motives toward the attainment of
rewards and goals. Similarly,
philosophers since the time of
Aristotle depicted happiness as an
outcome of motives toward the
attainment of rewards and goals.
The two preceding perspectives
differ only in the kind of outcome:
specific emotions versus global
happiness. Surely, therefore, a
localized perspective on happiness
has relevance to an understanding
of Romantic Love.
Happiness Activating Behaviors
(HABs)
A localized depiction of happiness
emerged from Positive Psychology
over a decade ago. Happiness
Activating Behaviors (HABs) is a
term for ways to promote happiness
through cognitions and actions. For
example, this dog woofs on the
Habs to boost its happiness.
Happiness Activating Behaviors
(HABs)
Just as HABs boost global happiness
(as shown by a long list of validated
HABs), I call that subset that boost
Romantic Love (through intentional
cognitions and actions) Love
Activating Behaviors, which has the
lovely acronym LABs.
Everyone loves LABs.
Love Activating Behaviors
(LABs)
LABs (like Arousal) work as an
active agent in the glue than bonds
couples in Romantic Love. They use
LABs when giving, getting and
keeping the love they have. Not
only humans but even dogs have a
good repertoire of LABs:
Wagging their tails, rushing to
greet you, meeting your gaze with
adoring eyes, performing tricks to
please you, snuggling up when
you’re tired, licking your hands and
face, staying loyal for evermore …
How can you not return their love!
(By the way, it’s dogs I’m talking
about, ladies, not husbands).
LABs in Synch
Romantic Love works best when
both partners have their LABs in
synch.
For example: After seeing the
movie, a retired banker offers to
take his new date home to show
her a $1250 reproduction of a
David Hockney painting. She looks
him directly in the eye, to message
that she knows his game, then
kisses him softly on the mouth.
The both win twice over, thinking
that:
“I’m good at this love game.”
“My new date wants me.”
Their love affair has begun.
LABs Out of Synch
Uggh! Romantic Love plays out
badly if a couple’s LABs are out of
synch:
A 60-year divorcee takes the
man she plans to marry to a get-
together at the 55+ Club. Because
she wants to show off to her
girlfriends – that ‘We’re so so good
together!’ – she’s flirted mildly with
him all day. But he’s cool when they
get there, heads for the poolroom
with the guys. She’s hit with a
doubly whammy:
“Wasn’t I been sexy enough
earlier?”
“Maybe he doesn’t love me after
all.”
I bet he gets hit with quadruple
whammies after they leave for
home.
Gold Medalists in Romantic
Love
If love is a game, gold medalists are
couples together long enough to
celebrate gold weddings – the last
ones standing in the love game.
Here’s what we know and infer
about them:
1.Our findings tell us they are high
in Passionate and Compassionate
Love;
2.We infer they know those LABs
that – for them – activate feelings of
passion and compassion; and
3.They’ve figured out how to keep
those LABs in synch.
They are happy people that live
in a magical mosaic of Romantic
Love.
A Magical Mosaic of Romantic
Love
Secrets about how to inhabit this
magical mosaic are few in number:
• Know your partner;
• Put your partner before yourself;
• Value your passion for that
partner;
• Behave in ways to excite your
partner;
• Synchronize with your partner
what
ever behaviors arouse you both.
Making Romantic Love work
takes daring and reciprocity. Our
gold medalists know that making
love is not just about sex but takes
place endlessly during the most
ordinary activities. For rewards like
that, the costs involved are worth it.
A Magical Mosaic of Romantic
Love
Hints about how to enter and stay
in this magical mosaic include the
following.
1.Know your partner as well as you
know yourself. (Always ask, don’t
assume). That’s what
Companionate Love is about.
2.Learn to decipher subtle cues
when your partner wants to give or
to receive love. Don’t ignore them
but respond positively.
3.Know what turns your partner on
sexually. Push the limits a bit if
boredom creeps into the bedroom.
A Magical Mosaic of Romantic
Love
4.Give loving cues to your partner
not only when you need to but to
prevent your relationship from
going stale.
5.Include cues that your partner has
to decipher. They allow your
partner to show that he/she knows
you well.
6.Know that making love is not just
about sexual acts. You can be
making love when doing just about
anything.
7.Put your partner’s needs before
your own whenever feasible. Make
your partner feel capable and
wanted despite limitations or
adverse conditions.
A Magical Mosaic for Happiness
Believe it or not, the secrets of a
magical mosaic for happiness
parallel those for Romantic Love.
Replace the acronym LABs (Love
Activating Behaviors) by HABs
(Happiness Activating Behaviors),
take a global perspective rather than
one of Romantic Love, and voila! You
now understand how to foster
happiness in your clients. Happier
clients are healthier clients. Again,
happier clients are healthier clients.
The End