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C H A P T E R 7

Name: Cleo Date: august 24, 2013 Age: 24 Sex: M F

1. I get so wrapped up in watching TV, reading, or playing a video game that I

don't have any idea what's going on around me..0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (never) (always)..... Thats a no, who the fuck do they

think I am a 6 year old.

5. People tell me I do or say things that I don't remember doing or saying.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (never) (always) everything I do has a purpose, can these

people make better questions.

7. I get confused about whether I have done something or only thought aboutdoing it.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (never) (always)... Im confused right now I guess a 10

will fit on this one

8. I look at the clock and realize that time has gone by and I can't remember

what has happened.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (never) (always)...... Sometimes

13. I don't recognize my self in the mirror.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (never) (always)..... Me and mirrors dont get along so I

guess no

16. I have thoughts that don't really seem to belong to me. All the damn time,

is hard to share the head space with someone else.

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DissociatE

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20. People tell me that I sometimes act so differently that I seem like a different

person.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (never) (always) I guess ill put 5 here

29. I feel like there are different people inside of me.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (never) (always) dont know what to say about this one so

Ill just settle with a 10

1. My body feels as if it doesn't belong to me...It belongs to Cleo

I must not give up in the face of trouble and disappear, I need to get us out of

here, and I have done it before why not now. Gazing at the paper and waiting for

someone to come look at this test tell me Im not crazy so I can go back home. Im

imprisoned in this room with nothing to look at not even a window to entertain

my vicious thoughts, just the clock, tik-tock, tick-tock. Reminding me of the sec-

onds passing by, but in the other hand I feel free, unrestricted by cleos clouding

thoughts. Im out, making the switch so I prevail, I am the stronger one now. Tak-

ing over all the deliberations, movements, and the way she creases her eyebrows in

doubt all that is gone. It is me now, Hanna is in charge. I dont think Cleo would

be able to handle this right now. Even thought she looks like a strong badass chick,

maybe that is something that her stupid physiologist has thought her to do, but I

know the real Cleo. The scared little girl sobbing for attention and someone to

take care of the pain. She always had someone to mask away her problems; this

time is her little boy toy Harry Styles. I have to admit he is fit for a prince, but howdumb can he be in getting us in this hell whole. Doesnt he supposedly love her,

Care for her? Whatever, but no one can support Cleo like I can, that is why Im

trying to keep her hidden so we can go back home and forget all about Mr. styles.

The nock on the door loud in my ears startles me out of my haze, as I flinch

getting use to the all-suffocating silence surrounding me; Her voice angle like soft,

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suffocating the whole room with intensity. How are you Hanna? she asked. How

did she know? Who I am, have I come out in one of hers and Cleos sections be-

fore without noticing? I look at her strangely trying to give my best act as to show

that I did not know what the fuck she was talking about. I answered calmly, Ms.

Lopez I dont know what you have been smoking but Im Cleo, dont you see. herlaugh thundering through the room, ohh I see exactly who you are, Hanna please

tell me what happened dont you want to help Cleo. Is that not the reason you

were created in the first place, to protect her?

I slammed my hands on the table, eyes beaming red veins popping out of my

forehead I must look scary as fuck, this plan of staying calm is not working. Im

going to tell you something right now Ms. go lucky, answer-all my questions with a

question-type bitch. If you think separating Cleo and me will solve all the prob-lems in this fucked up life that is ours you are wrong. She needs me, I dont under-

stand why you are getting paid here, to tell me Im some imaginary friend that

Cleo made up when she was little to surpass all of her pain and bullshit, which is

true but whatever giggling at myself I continue, what you don't see, what your

little stupid paycheck is hiding from you is that I love Cleo and there is no therapy

in the world that would take that away no one do you understand me!

Staying calm as she always does she answers, Im glad you know that you arenot real, but Cleo is not aware of this fact yet. She thinks you are living flesh. She

cant separate reality anymore, she is lost Hanna, she tries to have regular relation-

ships, but she is too stuck in the fictional one with you. This is hurting her more

then you know. If we work on this together find a happy medium, if you would

just let me talk to her for a few minutes?

I will not let you hurt her, this is unacceptable you are a nobody, more like a

distant cousin that you are trying to get rid of when your trying to have fun withfriends. Why dont you just but off send me that little pest harry thats who I really

want to talk to.

OK we can have a little deal then, I will send harry here to talk to you but you

have to let Cleo talk to me at least for an hour does that sound good to you?

I dont do deals but if that is what it takes then I would do it.

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I felt the moments of doubt rushing through me, what I am going to say to this

boy that is infatuated with me, well not with me but with Cleo. Do I crush his

dreams force the thought of her out of his mid, rip his heart out by telling him

Cleo just wanted a new experience. She never envisioned him as nothing more but

a project, a test, a boost of confidence that someone out of her world will date her,and, will tell her how beautiful she is, how important she is to him. I cant think

about that right now. My selfish thoughts come back to hunt me telling me that

this is best. Just Cleo and I, we have to stay together through out this superficial

world. I put on my brave face, for it to only crumble under the sight that was in

front of me. His hair was curly all over the place like waves and waves of massive

curls clashing down his forehead. His eyes green so deep it was almost tortures to

look at them, to stare at them you will go into him like an outer body experience

when you feel everything that he is feeling just by starring at him for that one sec-

ond. His eyebrows were creased looking at me with this lounging, like he did not

know who was standing in front of him. It was difficult to put myself together, to

think that I must destroy him. He is like a boulder between Cleo and I. When she

was with harry, it was like I couldnt feel myself because the more she thought of

him the more I disappeared into the distance of her mind. When I feel that way I

go back to those moments where it was just Cleo and I. Crying and crying in the

basement just to wash out the screams coming from upstairs, a loud toud hitting

the hard wood floors. Footsteps coming down the squeaky wooden stairs thinking

he is coming after us next. Our little hearts razing so fast, humming a song of

pain, of despair, of maybe wanting to die right there at that moment because we

knew there was nothing left anymore. We hear his loud boots toud,toud,toud

smell his cheap cologne mix with his musk, and a distinctive iron smell. When our

eyes fell on him on the blood in his hands our mothers blood, I almost died along

with her this is when I pushed Cleo back, I pushed her so far back in my mind intothe corners of my being so I would protect her, so she wouldnt have to endure the

pain that I was going to take away from her. But he didnt hit me, he didnt even

lay a hand on me, he just stood there plastered in front of me. I always tried to

find the motive behind this specific gesture; maybe he wanted this gruesome image

of himself all in Cleos head. To destroy the little good image that she had towards

man, maybe he felt bad for her, but he didnt know that living us here alive was the

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worst thing he could do. All alone there in the cold basement I was, hearing his

footsteps fade away, the heavy air sitting in my lungs weighting them down, my

eyes close shut, it was, so, so dark, and then I woke up in a place that looked ex-

actly like this one. With blank white walls no windows no sound. Our lives are now

in a full circle if were not careful we end up in the same situations we were before.He shut the door behind him moving his long legs towards me.

As I look back upon the memories of that night, all I see is my face reflected in

her eyes. That tortured look that haunts me as I toss and turn in bed. How a nightthat started out to be about the beautifulness of her flush red cheeks as she

laughed because she was winning in FIFA. Turn into a face of glum and despair.

The way her curly hair jumped in different directions when she moved, picking it

up in her small hands to make a stupid looking bun thing on the top of her head.

We talked about so many things that night maybe the memories that she would

not dare remind herself of. She probably thought I was stupid drunk I would not

remember, ohh but I was listening and watching the way her soft pink lips movedreciting her cover up life to me. Things like where she went to college, her previ-

ous awful relationship with that men that of course didnt deserve such a beautiful

woman, her friends, she told me about her mum, how she was the angel of her

life, we talked until we could not speak anymore. I held her hand and she looked

down at us, I, not knowing what she was thinking at that moment, and maybe that

is what is keeping me up this lonely night; not even dusty, my cat is sleeping by me.

Maybe he saved that side of the bed for Cleo, but I dont think she is coming back.

So many memories of her beautiful body in this bed cross my mind. The first time

she was here and left without any word or hesitation, I should of known then that

my future with her was not as bright as her smile. That smile that went into thin

air as we laid our bodies and entangled ourselves in the duvet. It was like a differ-

ent person stepped into the bed with me, I felt her energy just lift out of her body I

tried to comfort her, cover her up with the sheets maybe she felt cold, but nothing

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could fix what is already broken. I felt like a fucking twat when I hugged her be-

cause you know that is what normal people do they snuggle close to each other

when their sleeping, but I just heard the words dont.

What is wrong? I asked

Just dont ok, just stop, at that moment I was fed up I felt hung over and

dizzy, as I got close to her face my anger just rolled of my tongue, no I wont fuck-

ing stop, what is with you woman? she said with the most disgust I have ever

heard,

So what youre going to take me here, rip my legs open pry your filthy self in

me?

I would never fucking do that she was yelling then out of control,

You are all fucking the same you men with your skims your lies, always ask-

ing for more, give me more, As she touched her head robing little circles on the

sides, a smile formed in her lips almost diabolical a sinister giggle started to come

out of her mouth, why the fuck Im a fighting with you this is my house, just get

out! Get the fuck out of my house, She laughed and cried at the same time mak-

ing this situation more difficult for me to understand it was like she was dissociat-

ing from herself just get out leave me here I want to be alone, I cant breath withyou here your suffocating me. I stretched out to her trying to prey her hands

open they were close up in nuts, at this point she was sobbing so hard so frail. Her

body trembling, I want you to get out, get out. It almost felt like she wasnt talk-

ing to me anymore she was staring far off, her breath very shallow and strained

and thats when I fucking lost it. I couldnt see her like that, my beautiful dark but-

terfly so tight up in this little ball I want her to be free of whatever dark shit is hold-

ing her, and I held her so tight my big hands stretched in her small back, soothingher while she screamed and screamed on the top of her lungs. I was looking every-

where desperate, I couldnt leave her and call someone, maybe they could help me

I felt so fucking stupid I couldnt do anything myself, and then she took one last

shallow breath, I sensed her limbs slump down in my arms, her eyes going wide

and then closing. I couldnt catch my breath for a second, it felt like my life was

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stopping but I needed to react. I jumped out of her bed looking for my iPhone

frantically dialing 911 with shaky hands.

911 what is your emergency? the lady spoke in a soothing voice to offset my

frantic speed talking probably the fastest I have spoken,

My girl... My girlfriend she is not breathing I need help please send someone

gosh shes dying, Im losing her again please!

OK sir we are sending an ambulance as we speak, try to calm down for her

Im going to walk you through this, touch her arm do you fell a pulse?

My shaking hands rooming to her arms I tell the lady with a shaky voice

Yes.. Yes very faint one, what do I do?

Open her mouth, she commanded; I did as I was told.

Now your going to put your hands in her chest and begging chest compres-

sions, Im going to start singing a song and your going to follow that rhythm

oh oh oh oh staying alive staying alive

ok now breath into her mouth I did as told repeat the process again now.

Sweat is starting to drip from my face my curls wet

She is still not breathing! I yell frantic

Dont give up, keep trying until you hear the ambulance

I push and push come on Cleo please dont do this I feel her pulse again is a

little bit louder calling out for me to keep going come on love everything was a

blur moving fast by me, I dont know how long I was doing this for, but was not go-

ing to give up. I was so lost in saving her that I didnt hear the footsteps approach-ing, nocking the door open I pulled to the side, but was still holding her hands as

they send shock waves to her heart, her small frame jumping from the shock. Fi-

nally I hear I small peep, peep they quickly strapped her to the emergency bed,

me trailing behind them, following my destiny ones more; And now I wish she was

here with me, but I cant she is in that horrible place. I almost feel like a send her

there. I should of just went home that night when she told me to leave, but I

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stayed because I dont fucking now why? I tell myself out loud maybe because

you care you twat, also because I made a promise to her that I would be whatever

she wants me to be. She needs me now more then ever and I will be there.

I opened my eyes like a child seeing light for the first time, overwhelmed by

where I was, I havent been in this place since I was 16. The big white room with

no windows a sign of desperation crossing my face as reality hit me slowly I have

relapsed again. I look around for something familiar remembering the scrambling

on the tables I had writing when I was sixteen, oh how history repeats itself. My

nerves are on alert noticing every little click of the clock hanging on the brick

white walls is like they want to torture us but in reality they want to save us from

just offing ourselves, you know just ending the misery that we are living in. it

would be better if I knew someone else was harming me, but no is just my beauti-

ful elaborated fucked up mind playing tricks on me. Life is such a twisted game

such a puzzle but will it come together? Will I ever be normal. that is the ques-

tion I always seem to ask myself when Im in this place? Will I ever-just breath

with easiness in and out, refreshing breaths. Not rushed about to have a heart at-

tack because the voices in your head are separating you from reality. I mean is this

even real, am I really fucking here again, havent I blended in enough has it all

shown through the cracks, and then I think of harry how this is his fault he made

me weak, made me open up to him something that I dont even do for myself. I try

not to remember to forget it all, so I dont have to turn to her, to Hanna. I start

panicking even more as I think of her how she always seems so real, so present, so

palpable. Reveling herself to others when least expected the last memory of the

night with harry was looking at our hands intertwined they looked so perfect. Howdid I end up here did he found out about Hanna, about this trauma that I have

been living in my whole life. He did, didnt he? He was the one that put me back

in this place it is his entire fault. My breath starts picking up as I think more, how

long have I been here? Weeks, months who fucking knows. Questions arise in my

head I burn Like a machine getting hotter and hotter the faster it works, the wires

sweltering off melting off like neurons in my brain. Hotter and hotter I can see

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the image in my head so clearly the little steam coming of the fast moving ma-

chine. Tick tick the machine is moving with intensity matching the beat of the

clock that is right above the white brick wall. tick, tick, tick and then I explode.

Screaming on the top of my lungs I want out of here! my head this place I dont

know which one? I hear footsteps in my gauzy state hands running smoothlythrough my hair. I voiced with the little energy I have, mom is that you? she

keeps running her smooth hands on my dark unruly hair, is going to be ok sweet-

heart the women says. I feel the sting in my arm like a little bee pinched me.

Light headed, stars, mom that is all think about and see as I float adrift to sleep.

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