mad issue no 339.pdf

8/10/2019 Mad Issue No 339.pdf

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3/52

LETTERS

AND

TOMATOES DEPARTMENT:Random Samplingsof Reader Mail . . .2

GENER ATION ECCH DEPARTMENT:

"Fiends"(AM A DTVSatire). . .4

DISC-CLAIMERS DEPARTMENT: Sti l l More Badly Needed Warning Labelsfor Rock Albums.. .9

REALITY BYTES DEPARTMENT:

W h at YouCanExpec t Fromthe Informa tion Supe rhighway.. .12

SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT:A MAD L ookat Exercising...14

FUNDAMENTAL INSTITUTION DEPARTMENT:

TheAcad emyfor theRadical Relig ious Right Course Ca ta log uc .17

J Jh* d%

J O K EA N D

DAGGER DEPARTMENT:SpyVs.Spy...21

H ^ T V a ^ ^ ^ r

3

^ BEHIND THE FATE BALL DEPARTMENT:

Irony ls.,.22

SPACE

THE FINAL AFFRONT'S HERE DEPARTMENT: "Star Blecch Voyeur" (AnotherMAD TVSatire). . .24

SEPTEMBER

1995

NUMBER *

339

x

14S/io-$


4/52

Will iam M. Caincs

founder

Jenelte Kahn

president & editor-in-chief

Paul Levitz

executive vice

president

& publisher

|oe Orlando

vice president &associatepublisher

Nick Megiin

John Ficarra

editors

Leonard Brenner

art director

Tom Nozkowski

production

Charlie Kadau

)oe Raiola

associateeditors

Dick DeBartolo

creative consultant

Annie Gaines

generalmanager

David Shayne

assistant

editor

Am y L.Vozeolas

editorialassistant

Maria Weisenborn

production

assistant

Lillian Alfonso

subscriptions

Dorothy Crouch

resident suit

Contr ibuting Artists

And Writers

the

usual

gang of idiots

MA D (ISSN 0024

931 9) is

published monthly except

bimonthly lot lanuary/February, March/April and

October/November

by E.C.

Publications,

Inc., 1700

Broadway, Ne w York. N.Y. 1 0019. Second class postage

paid

at New

York,

N.Y. and at

additional mailing

offices. Subscription in U.S.A.: 8 issues $15.50or 24

issues $37.50

o r 40

issues $59.50. Outside U.S.A.

(including Canada):

8

issues $19.50

or 24

issues

$51.SO

or 40

issues $82.50.(Canadian price

has GST

tax included.) Entire contentsO copyright 1995 by E.C.

Publications,

Inc.

Al low

10

weeks

(or

change

o(

address to become effective, and include mailing label

when making change

of

address

or

inquiring about

your subscription. POSTMASTER: send address change

to

MAD . P.O. Box

0849, Baldwin,

N.Y.

11510.

The

Publisher and Editors will not be responsible

for

unso

licited manuscripts, an drequest al l manuscripts be

accompaniedb y

a

stamped sel(-addressed return enve

lope. The names

o f

characters used

i n

all MAD fiction

and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satir

ic purposeto aliving person is a coincidence.

Printed i n

U.S.A.

LETTERS

"BEAVIS

AND

BUTT-HEAD GROW

OLD"

I loved your satire "When Beavis and Butt-head

grow old" in MAD #336. I can't stand those two,

and the idea of them being old, senile and near

death is somewhat appealing. You guys crammed

more creativity, humor, not to mention plot in one

satire than in TEN actual Beavis and Butt-head

episodes. To Sam Viviano and Desmond Devlin I

say, "Great work, guys " To the prod ucers ofBeavis

and Butt-headI say, "Shut up , butt nuggets "

W i l l i a m R i c k m a n

W e s t C o v i n a , C A

B ut t nugge ts? We remember tho se Why d id Kentucky

Fr ied Ch icken sto p se l ling the m, anyway? E d.

Your "Beavis and Butt-head Grow Old" story

sucked and should be like burned...huh huh huh.

Reid Hitt

Camarillo, CA

Great original letter, buttnugget F-d.

A GRIPPING LETTER

As a feminist, I am deeply offended by your fea

ture entitled "If 'Do-it-Yourself Sex Were Taught in

Public Schools" (MAD #336). In all the panels, the

students were males. Has it ever occurred to you

that females could also take that class and pa ss with

flying colors? I demand equality

DeeL.

Pittsburgh, PA

We've go t to hand i t t o you. you real ly put your f inger on

wha t was m iss ing In the ar t ic le . Sor ry I t rubbed you the

wrong way But hey, d i f fe rent s t r okes fo r d i f fe rent fo lks

Ed.

BIG

VAN ONCAMPUS

Students at the University of Nebraska have recently been ducking for

cover whenever the big yellow MAP Van on Campus shows up Th e fact is.

we've never seen a stronger reason to oppose forced school bussing

MOTION" SICKNESS

I was appalled at your back cover concern

"Newton's 3 Laws of Mot ion As Appl ied

'New ton' Gingrich" (issue #336). In my opinion

a slap in Sir Isaac Newton's face. Also, you fo

the second law (The greater the mass, the gre

the force needed, etc.). Instead, you merely m

tioned the two parts of the first law. I am an

reader of your magazine and will hopefully con

ue to be so, but I feel that I had to vent my feel

about your back cover.

C r y s t a l D . S

R i c h m o n d

Crysta l we understand the grav i ty o f our mistake,

in fac t , even you fa i led to ta ke in to accou nt the Fo

Law of Newton: Put crushed f igs between two coo

and you 've got yourse l f a th ink ing man 's Oreo E d.

PRIEST MEETS JEST

I recently read your mail section in MAD #336

I caught the letters insulting Ventriloquist Pr

What a bunch of bull Ventriloquist Priest is on

the best cartoons that you have come out with

anyone who says otherwise obviously doesn't h

a sense of humor

M i g u e l R u

L a u r e l ,

M R u e d a S @ a o l .

Migue l Thanks fo r your k ind words We wanted t o

them a long to Ventr i loqu ist Pr iest , bu t he was a t ten

a high-level mee ting In Rome. We ca n' t reveal wha t t

conf ident ia l meet ings were about, bu t how does th e

of "Ve ntr i loqu ist B ishop" grab you? E d.

You know what really ticks me off? In the le

to MAD #336, a couple of freaks started whin

about Ventriloquist Priest. I'm glad you told th

hicks off. Ventriloquist Priest rocks and I look

ward to seeing more of Duck Edwing's sick sens

humor in issues to come. You guys and Soldi

Fortuneare my favorite magazines.

T o m P i n n

M a l t a ,

Ma jo r Tom MAD and Soldier of Fortune are

favor i te m agazines? In th a t case, you and your bud

down a t the m i l i t ia won ' t want to miss our upcoming

t u r e . " T h e L i g h te r S i d e o f J a c k - B o o t e d G o v e r n m

Thugs " Ed .

INSIGNIFICANT DATA

MAD #340 ONSALE SEPT.2 6

MAD SUPER SPECIAL

# 108

ON SALE OCTOBER

10

catXoono by MAP art is ts Where can you p lay?O n

America Online's P C Cotnic& Online C orrespond w i th

the Usua l Gang o f Id io ts and other MAP fans, down

lo a d M A P co lo r im a g e s a n d te x t (n e w f i f e s a l l t h e

* el) an d more A l l you need is a computer, modem

I a m a jo r c re d i t card or checking account I f you

don ' t a l ready have America On line , ca l l 1 -60 0-20 3-

2 6 0 0 f o r a F RE E s t a r t e r k i t a n d 1 0 FR EE h o u r s

H A V I N G T RO U B L E F I N D I N G M A D ?

If your favorite news dealer, convenience store or supermar

does NO T sell MAD . we wanl lo know abou( it Send th

name and address/location to MAD. 1700 Broadway. NY. N

10019 Attn: Amy. We promise to hound these misguided m

chants mercilessly, day and night, until they lower their sta

dards and begin to sell our crummy magazine
mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]


5/52

THE FACE IS...FAMILIAR?

ing in a sat i re. Wel l , I thou ght I wou ld take a

Sal Att inel lo

San Leandro, CA

reader's

wishes,

w e

have

good

news

and bad

news. The bad news is,

good news is. longtime MAD

Dick DeBartolo WAS available, so here's his super

o fyou..Mow proudyou must feel Ed.

Dick D's

drawing of Sal

MAD MUMBLINGS

aol.com

s for Jo. Jo mama JVF24810...Damn tha t

ar M ic89...lf the sky is fallins, don 't look

FKIRAN...AII arch itectur e s tudents at the U

ansas read MAD Kkirk5one...How come there

in India. Now I just smell like one, Mines9in...l

coo l . Sheanus...This magazine

MAD AUCTION ANNOUNCED

MAD About MAD,

i r t y y e a r s o f o r i g i n a l M A D a r t

a t e ly 400 examp les of a r twork f rom MAD

n n i n g t h e p e r i o d f ro m i s s u e # 1 0 1 ( 1 9 6 6 )

r Spec i a l cover s Wo rks by a l l o f t he major

wil l be offered, inc ludin g ear ly exam

Jack Davis, Mort Drucker and the rest of the

1-800-

Have your c r edi t card h andy

"ENVELOPE OF THE M O N T H "

IL0W0UT

As we were packing to leave our beloved digs at 485 MADison Avenue, we discovere

heretofore unpublished cache of Envelopes of the Month (certa in ly a f ind more valua

than some old cave paint ings in France could ever be) Now that we're at 1700. Broadw

we need a few ne w decora t ive enve lopes wi t h our new address on them An y tak

From:

Dan Soelberg of Bolton, O ntario Canada

W J o ;^>

Has rAAsyxsorv ?wr>o.

\ o o

From:

Rebecca and Jeff rey Ahr ens o f App l e t o n , W l

P l e a s e A d d r e s s A l l C o r r e s p o n d e n c e T o : M A D , D e p t . 3 3 9 , 1 7 0 0 B r o a d w a y , N .Y . , N . Y . 1 0 0 1 9 .

M A D w e l c o m e s r e a d e r s u b m i s s io n s . M a n u s c r i p t s w i l l n o t b e re t u r n e d o r a c k n o w l e d g e d , h o w e v e r ,

u n l e s s t h e y a r e a c c o m p a n i e d b y a s e l f - a d d r e s s e d , s t a m p e d e n v e l o p e


6/52

G E N E R A T I O N E C C H D E P T .

And now a show about

six

twentysomethings They're single, they're attractive, they're witty, they're bond

ing,and they've got something great going for them: it's called Thursday night on NB C The amaz

ing thingisthey claim it's all platonic and there's no hanky-pankygoingon betweenthem. (Yeah, right And

the Pope was bom in Guatemala ) Whatever they claim, we know them for what they really are-sex...

Hi. I 'm Shoey I 'm

a ho t hunk on th is

sho w I 'm a babe

ma g n e t My

interests? I love

movies, I love

sports, and I love

myse l f No t

necessarily

in th a t o rd e r

I 'm C hande l ie r I 'm a lso a babe ma gne t

I 'm a wise crack ing da ta p rocessor No t

a combina t ion you f ind a lo t o f in the

bus iness wo r ld I 'm g rea t - loo k ing and

devas ta t ing ly funny , ye t I can ' t seem

to connec t w i th wom en L ike . I inv i te

women back to my p lace fo r a l i t t le w ine ,

so f t mus ic , and a ser ies o f b l is te r ing

p u t -d o w n o n e - li n e rs Bu t f o r so me

re aso n th i s d o e sn ' t se e m to tu rn th e m o n

I 'm Floss I 'm no t a babe ma gne t Bu t

I have been s t ruck by l igh tn ing th ree

t im es l I 'm the wh lner o f the show Th ing

have no t gone we l l in my l i fe My ex -

wi fe le f t m e fo r a lesb ian lover l I have

a c rush on Rega l who ignores m e I have

a mo nke y on my back l i te ra l ly I guess

the on ly good th ing in my l i fe is tha t

I 'm a l lowed to park in "Hand icapped"

spo ts Why? They 've seen m y ha i rcu t

A R TIST ; M O O T D R UC K ER

WR rTER : JO SH G O R D O N


7/52


8/52

puzzling me

Moniker?

You're a

s t ru g g l in g assistant

chef,

Regal is ju st

a waitress Who's

go ing to

believe

t h e

two o f

you can

afford

th is fabulous loft?

The same people t h a t

bel ieve the

six

o f

us horny, one-track

m i n d e d animals hang

ou t every n igh t

and never ge t

involved

sexually

with one ano ther

Well.

wh at

are

w e

go ing

to

do

today?

Here's a

wild

thought

We could

g o t o

our

job s

A n d lose our

top-10 show

rating? Our

v iewers want

fantasy, no t

reality

We never

go

to our

Jobs

Let's

do

b o t h

We'll

con tac t

dead

naked

people

That 's

Shoey's

ma in

p rob lem

he always

a ims

too low


9/52

\w

Guys, th is living

arrangement isn ' t

work in g

We're on

to p

o f each

other

There 's

j u s t

no

privacy

JEL

Th e

six

o f us are

to g e th e r all

t h e

t im e It's

suffocating

Yeah

I 'm ge t t ing

bad vibes

W e

each need our

personal

space

Great

We're st i l l

c ra mp e d six o n

a

couch

bu t now

we ' re

paying

for

food an d drink

Hi. wha t ' l l i t b

The sp ec ia l t ie

of the house a

caffe mocha, ca

latte,

and

sub-p

Regal,

te l l

m e

again Why'd

you leave an

eligible

dentist

at

th e

altar

to become

a w aitress?

There was

no glamour

wi th

Harold

t h e

dentist

1

r

- -

Right

He cou ldn ' t

leave

h is profession beh ind

h i m

Like, when we

we re g e t t i n g i t o n ,

instead of saying

"I love you,"

he ke p t shouting

"Rinse

and

spit "

SPSS

Can I have your

attention

'cause now, for no

part icu lar reason at

all.

I 'm going to

sing a song This one

is t i t led :

"I'm Falling

Into Something And

I Sure Hope It's Love "

How come

Pheeble

gets

to

sing

on

this

show?

I t 's in her

cont

Her agent also

Mandy Patink

Do you th in k

jus t a co inc ide

he's called th

"Singing Surg

of

Chicago Ho

Floss,

you've

had a

crush on

Regal

since

early

in t h e

series

Yeah She's

fantastic

B u t

I'm

too

paralyzed

by fear of

rejection

t o

do any th ing

about i t

You can' t keep th is a

secret, ma n You 've

go t

to

vent your

feelings Otherwise .

ge t yourse l f a

new

female monkey

and

hope this one doesn ' t

reject you, too


10/52


11/52


12/52

V R n n I L I V E

B T T H E

A C R O P O L I S

ATTENTION:

Forcing children to listen to this

CD is officially considered "child

abuse " in 8 States

~ k i

I T J I C S X S T 3 1

d^

r e .

* * -

^

4

M*T

J

One of the songs on this CD was

mistakenly recorded while the

group's lungs were free of blunt

smoke

< ?

^n

* r

***

7 >

V

Q L

Barney isn't

real, he doesn't

love you, he doesn't even

know you're alive

Dinosaurs and people were

never alive together, and if

they were, Barney'd be

eat-

ing your intestines while

you watched. Other than

that, enjoy

\

& e,

xQ

A C E O F B A S

7 = ^

* ' : " v

Although Ace of Base is

Sweden"s hottest rock group.

remember that to accomplish

that, they only had to top

Roxette. the Inevitable ABBA

comeback, and that old "Ooga-

Chucka-Ooga-Chucka" song

T

7^4


13/52


14/52


15/52

)ph is t ica ted F iber Opt

on ly penn ies per foo t - bu t can on ly be repa i re d

o r r ep lac ed by $5 00 -an -hou r te c hn i c ians

Twice as ma ny cal ls from tho se pesky M CI, AT&T

and Sp r in t sa lespeo p le no w c a l l ing to ge t you

to "sw i tch " your da ta and fax phone l ines , too

Mill ions of interconnected office com puters - enab ling

workers thousands of miles apart to waste all day

playing Mortal Kom bat, Doom or PGA Tour Golf

Hey

good buddy,

how are

the babes

out there inGrand Rapids?

I haven't

seen

a girl in

ten years

I've

been

online

LO U That's abig " 1 0 - 4 "

XOcl3X

5E

5

L ong -d i s tanc e " c o mp u te r c ha ts " tha t c omb ine the

fasc ina t ing conte n t o f CB Rad io banter w i t h th e

s nappy pac e o f c l ums y two - f i nge r t y p ing

T


16/52

N GENERAL DEPT.


17/52


18/52

ta60\AS

1*


19/52

F U N D A - M E N T A L I N S T I T U T I O N P E P T .

W h y d o me mb e rs o f t h e ra d ica l r e l ig io u s r i g h t t h in k th e wa y th e y d o ? Are th e y b o rn l ik e th a t? D id th e y h a ve a

b a d a cc id e n t a s a ch i l d ? A t ra g ic l o ve a f fa i r t h a t so u re d th e m o n th e wo r ld ? Th e a n swe r i s : n o n e o f t h e a b o ve

Yo u h a ve to b e ta u g h t t o b e so se l f - r ig h te o u s a n d n a r ro w-m in d e d I t t a ke s ye a rs o f s ch o o l in g a t a h ig h ly sp e c ia l

i z e d le a rn in g in s t i t u t i o n An d we ' ve ma n a g e d to g e t o u r g r imy l i t t l e h a n d s o n a b ro ch u re fo r su ch a p la ce He re ' s . . .

Setoff

A R TIST : D R EW F R IED M A N WR ITER : STA N H A R T


20/52


21/52

E d u c a t i o n 1 0 2 -

SX Educat ion

This advanced course gives the student

wishing to move on to a career in teaching

two proven methods for handling any dis

cussion of sx in the classroom. First, the

student learns to approach the subject of

sx as the disgusting, base, animal-like

practice it is. Once this is mastered, the

student receives extensive instruction on

how to avoid any mention of sx (and all

related matters) in future classroom work.

In Academ y Sx E duca t ion c lasses th e conne ct ion between being sexual l y ac t ive In th is l i fe

and r oa s t i ng In t he f i r es o f e te r na l damn a t i on In t he nex t l i fe I s f ree l y and open l y d i s cussed .

Pol i t ica l Sc ience 514*Dem eaning th e En emy

This

essential

course furnishes the

tools needed to

start

effective

slur

campaigns against secular humanists

in

power.

Each student

is

required to c

aterm paper on the

subject,

"I know that Bill Clintonwas in amotel room smoking potwith a fallen womanbecause..." Thetop student

inthe course isofferedaone-year internshipwithHouse SpeakerN ewt Gingrich.

A r t 1 1 5 - C o m p u t er

Generated Art

In our state-of-the-art computer lab students are

trained to "morph" images of well-known pro-

choice figures into depictions of Adolf Hitler for

use on posters at demonstrations and on television

public service announcements. Due to the highly

advanced nature of this course, only students who

have previously served no less than sixty (60) days

in jail for obs tructin g Planned Paren thood clinic

entrances will be admitted.

Acad emy un derg radu ates produce br i l l i ant and h ighly Innovat ive work , such

as th is morph of Pres ident B i l l C l in ton as Infamous Naz i leader , Adol f H i t ler .

P h i l o s o p h y 2 1 2 - T a k i n g

A c t i o n : A Co r r e s p o n d e n c e

Course

This innovative course is taught by Professor

Paul Hill, a man with impeccable credentials

for teaching the subject. Professor Hill, a for

mer m inister, performed the heroic deed of

killing D r. Joh n Britton at an abortion clinic in

Florida. Because secular humanists have infiltrated

the Pensacola Police Department and the Florida Courts,

Professor Hill was convicted of murder in the first degree and

now teaches from his prison cell on death row.

The ex-Reverend Hi l l ,co r r ec t i ng t es t paper s f r om

his ja i l ce l l a t a F lor ida pen i tent iary .

19


22/52

Phys ica l Educat ion

1 01 - Bash ing

At The Academy For The Radic

Religious Right we believe a sou

body is as impor tant as a sound m in

In our challenging Phys. Ed. cour

the student undergoes rigorous bo

building by practicing frequent a

systematic gay bashing. Instruction

also given in how to stomp libera

sucker punch lesbians and rough

pregnant women going into "fam

planning centers."

Academy stu de nts o n a f ie ld t r ip a t a loca l gay bar.

Rel ig ion 1 01 - Com parat ive Rel ig ion

Other religions, including Judaism, Mohammedismand Hinduismareexamined fully andthe student learns first, to refute, andthentoridic

basic tenets. Thestubbornness and blind aith ofthe adherents tothese misdirected religions isaddressedan dthe questiono f how t

bring them salvation (i.e.persuasion vs.inquisition) is

considered.

Pol i t ica l Sc ience 514 1 /2 -

Women's Rights Seminar

This sem inar is held every year at Th e

Academy For The Radical Religious

Right. It usually lasts about ten min

utes and no school credit is given to

those who attend. The same course is

offered in the Spring semester as

Polit ical Science 103 3/4 - Humor And

Political Thought.

Women In po l i t i c*? Ha ha ha l

En thus ias t i c Academy e tud en te en joy the fee t l v lt l ee a t l a s t yea r 'e Homecoming N igh t .

Bonf ire Of The Books

One of the most cherished traditions at The Academy

The Radical Religious Right is the annual Homecom

Night, "Bonfire of the Books." Last year's festivities

tured the destruction of the complete works of M

Twain, Ku rt V onnegut Jr. and Judy Bloom, 500 copi

Catcher In The Rye,and a cross section of books con

ing the word "s x," including many widely used di

naries. The fuel was furnished by Academy alumni

were responsible for removing this dangerous mat

from public and school libraries across America.

2 0


23/52

J O K E A N D D A G G E R D E P T .


24/52

St ru g g l i n g t i re l ess l y over th e years to ma ke yo u r

p r o d u c t a h o u s e h o l d w o r d . . .

uiniiiiiiiiiimi m

BOBBITT'S SAUSAGE WORKS

SALES

'91 - "94

.only to end up bankrupt, because your product is a

household word

G oi n g ou t w i th you r f r i en d s to ce l eb ra te ear

ing a bachelor 's degree in appl ied physics.

.and being w aited on by a guy w ith a master's

degree in the same field

BEHIND THE FATE BALL DEPT.

Your high school English

teacher may have tried to

explain it to you by making

you read some lame

Shakespeare play, but the

truth is, only us dunderheads

atMAD trulyknowwhat...

Bu yi n g a con d om fo r a b l i n d d ate f rom a n o t i ceab l y

u n comfor tab l e s to re c l erk . . .

.who later turns out to be your blind date

F i n d i n g you r w i fe i n b ed w i th you r b est f r i en d .

...on the pay-per-view porno channel in the cheap

motel room you're sharing with your secretary


25/52

A pam pered overp aid ballplayer wh o charges kids

for his autograph...

*


26/52

T H E F I N A L A F F R O N T ' S H E R E P E P T .

Star

Trek,

created nearly

"

Now comes yetanother TV series Haven'tyou

it all before? Aren't you starting to feel like a . . .

I 'm D im , th e Co mm u n i

cat ions Off lcer l I was

invited aboard the

U.S.S. Voyeur because

o f my ou ts tand ing

academic recor d I can

make con tac t w i th 39

dif ferent species, and

say "cal l co l lect" and

"reverse the charges"

I 'm Sta r f lee t L t .

Perish, the ship 's

P i lo t I was taken

from pr ison and g iven

th i s co mma n d b y

Capta in P la inway l She

believes in g iving

people a second

chance and in

having someone l ike me

around to b lame in case

she real ly screws up

I 'm Starf leet Captain Pla inway, Commander of the

U.S.S. Voyeur I make sp l i t second decis ions th at

I wan t fo l lowed to the le t te r immed ia te ly , w i thou t

ques t ion ing my reason or au thor i ty o r the fac t t ha t

I 'm a w om an That 's how I get resu lts Why. in the

f irst episode alone, I managed to end up on the

wrong s ide of the galaxy. 70.000 l ight years off

course I t would have taken macho Captain Kirk tw o

years to go tha t fa r wrong On the Voyeur, me n and

wo me n are t rue equa ls I t 's po l i t ica l ly co r rec t .

bu t i t does make morn ings d i f f icu l t when we a l l t ry

to shave a t the one res t room mir ro r toge ther


27/52

A R TIST : A NG ELO TO R R ES WR ITER : D IC K D EB A R TO LO

I'm Twobuck, Security Officer

on t h i s ship I t 's abou t t im e a

black

Vulcan got in to the

command

center Fo r too manyyears, I had

to

ride

in the

back

o f the

starship

I havegood news and ba d news about

th isnew vessel The good news

is we can f ly for ten years

w i t h o u t refueling The bad

news?

When it 's

t ime

t o

stop

fo r fuel,Starf leets 's Corporate

Texaco card

will have long

expired

I 'm First Officer

Chataway

I know

a

lo t

abou t

navigation

and very little abou t

using indelible

eyebrow

pencilsas you can see

by the

mess

I made on my

foreheadl That 's what I

ge t fo r t ry ing to darken

m y

lashes

wh i le the

ship

was being bombarded

by

Pluralisms

I'm Kleenix. f rom a

galaxy

never

explored

before All the p eople

there

look

like

mel

That's wh ym y planet

won't be explored

in

th e future e ither I 'm

the ship 's

cook

I was

pu t aboard mainly to cook

up some comic relief

So

far,

I haven't

f o u n d th e recipe

I'm Cinnamon, a Holographic

Doctor

You

think

you see

me, but you

don't

Just l ike

real doctors in a hospital

on

earth

Yo u

think

you see

em , bu t you don't But you

have to assume they were

there, because they bill

yo u big t ime fo r a visit


28/52

Captain.

some

th in g

is

terribly

wrong

here

Explain,

Chataway

We've gone a

fu l l

seven minutes

without being

buffeted

by some

strange fo rce l

I

I take full responsibility

for not screwing up

getting

us into

difficulty

I realize the only way

keep th is in tergalact lc

grab bag

o f a crew

integrated.

i s to be in cons tan t

HYPER-angstl

Jility

and

:ultyl

jy to

Captain.

dead

ahead)A

bombard

ment

of

h igh-

p i tched

fa lse t tos l

Captain.

repor t ing a

magnetic

glitch in

the

VCR an d a

gravitational

pull

in my

nylons)

And l*m

picking up

a

strange

outl ine in

our hyper-

carbonated

rear view

mirror

=1

A fu l l -b lo w

emergenc

Thank

Go

everythin

is

the wa

it should

1 be) We ca

relax

How

exciting

We're

on

a new ad

venture.

where

no man

has gone

beforeI

No t exactlyl

You're going

wh e re Captain

Kirk w e n t years

ago They did

t h a t Apollo b it

in Star

Trek

episode 33

We've

gone

f rom a

Greek

God

t o

a Geek

Clod

Who are

you?

I 'm your

worst

nightmare A wise-

ass

Trekkle stow

away

I know all

t h e plots of the

original Star Trek

series and

you

are

NO Tgo ing where no

m an has gone before

Okay, I 'm

going where

n o woman

has

gone before

Now I'd like

your

butt

transported

h ome

You

don't

know

where

home Isl

You're

lost In

space

O fall the

starships.

in all

the

worlds.

why did

yo u

have to

stow away

on this one

An

don

ste

gre

line

f ro m

f i lm

l ik

Casab

Captain The

three-dimensional

Pentium Chip

Etch-a-sketch

shows an

enemy

ship

2.000

Crayolas

behind

us

Can't they read ou r bumper

sticker? It clearly states:

"WARNING:

STAY BACK

5.000

CRAYOLASI"This could m ean

batt le Arm t h e Venus

rockets Pledge

t h e

oak

console

And

turn on

the

rear hatch defrosters


29/52

Excellent

However,we 0

dohave one

very flat

and

very

dead

Trekkie

Let the

record show

"no Injuries

of Starfleet

personnel" We

don't have to

includeevery

boring detail

there 's

another

starship

ou t the re l

A ndit looks 1

exactlyt h e

1

same

as

ours

1

1

th in k

we're

1 entering

1

a

parallel

1 universe

1

Are

we

in

any

kind

o f

danger,

1

Captain? I

No l

No w th a t the

know

it-all Trekkie

is

gone

We don't have

to

hea

h im te l lushow many

t i m e s

Star Trek

has

recycledthe

"paralle

universe" p lo t Finally

we' re onsafe ground

r w

.HOLY-


30/52


31/52

N THE B EG INN ING , THERE WAS NO TH IN G .. . J AND HE CREATED THE EARTH AND SKIE

H E C R E A T E D T H E M O U N T A I N S

F O R E S T S . . .

A N D T H E O C E A N S

< X

-3F

HE

CRE TED

FISH

TO SWIM THE

SEAS...BIRDS TO

FLYTHE SKIES

...ANIMA LS TO

ROAM THE LAND

o


32/52

THE E N D . . . TH ER E W AS N O T H I N G

1 8 T H E

S U R D E S

O FE DE K

[ M *

AT S D D D m

' . * * ' . ' . ' T v ^ ^ - /

B S D G D JnO R M H

A s

FOREWARNED

LOT'S WIFE

TURNED INTO

A PILLAR

OF

SALT

WHEN

SHE TURNED

{ TO PEEK.

t r

ATVIU I /

A n d

'

w a n t m

y

R E M A , N S

AT )l sprinkled over a nice,

F U N E R A L . . .

n

ed ium rare 9TEAK


33/52

D W 1 D

B A T T L E S G D llf lT K

S f l f l l S D K

1 8 T H E

P H l i l S T I H E

T E f f l P l E


34/52

RETITLE WAVE DEPT.

Did you ever not ice th a t hard ly anyone ac tu a l

ly uses a microwave oven t o cook in. . . just t o

warm leftovers or hea t up coffee? So why

isn ' t i t ca l led a " le f tove r-warm er" or a "cof fee-

heater-upper"? Huh? Huh? Huh? We' l l te l l you

why: because Amer icans are a f ra id to " take

o n "

t he power fu l P roduc t -Nam ing i n te re s t s

who've been d ic ta t ing to us for decades what

we should cal l our own appl iances, imple

m en ts and g i zm os Well, we a t MAP are n ot

in t im ida ted No s i r ree, Bob In fa c t , we've got

n o t h i n g b e t t e r t o do t h a n s i t around all day...

TO REFLECT

ft

BEEPER

Self-importance

Broadcaster"

2

KITCHEN KNIFE

"Bobbitt-Joke

Initiator"

CAR ALARM

"Neighborhood

Enemy Generator

V

OFFICE COPY MA CHINE

"After-Hours Buttock

Immortalizer"


35/52

V ERY DAY G A M S

EIR ACTUAL PURPOSE

R TIST : G EO R G E WO O D B R ID G E WR ITER : M IK E SNID ER

TV REMOTE CONTROL

Marital Argument

Initiator"

u

a

CARPHONE

Collision Probability

Enhancer"

HOME VIDEO GAM E

* Quality-Time

Substitute"

'tt

CIGARETTE

"Non -Kevork ian

Suicide Machine

99


36/52

Ha Ha Jenkins

in accounting

just faxed me a

gem from th is

month's Hustler

a

FAX M ACHINE

Cartoon-of-t he-Day

Distributor"

VENDING MACHINE

"Selective Consumer

Aggravator"

BUG ZAPPER

"Rural Outdoor

Entertainment

Center"

HANDGUN

"Random Loved-One

Eliminator"

AUTOM ATED TELLER M ACHINE

"Mugger Convenience

Station"

IN-LINE SKATES

"Fre-accident Victim

Transporter"


37/52


38/52

JUSTICE IS BLIND-SIDED DEPT.

Ever won der

why

MONOPOLY lets

youout of

jail just because

you

happen

to

pick

a"GET OUT

O F JAIL" Card

Hasn't this always struck

youas a

rather haphazard

way of

running

a

criminal justice system (albeit

a

ficti

tious board game one)? They should

at

least

be

required

to

give

a

reason

for

springing

you

from

the

slam

mer, even

if

i fs

a

totally invalid, lame-b rain reason which,

it

turns

out,is

exactly wh at

our

REAL crim inal

justice system

has

been doing recently Which leads

us

through

the

Immutable

Laws

of

MAD-lntro Logic

to... ^ __

tA4\1>

GET

Mob Informant set to

testify against you

suddenly "disappears

G E T O U T O F

J A I L F R E E

^

\mm

D.A. up for re-election

caves in to minority-

group pressure &

threat of riots over

your trial

G E T O U T O F JAIL

FREE

"Unders tand ing" L ibera l

judge th inks

youcan be

rehabi l i tated

-

despite

17 prior arrests

G E T O U T O F J A I L F R E E

c

' e v e r lawyer

convinces jury

thatfam/7y '

member

y

o u

New away

"had

c o m i n g "

Bonehead cler ical

errorbyjail staff

letsyouwa lk r ight

outthedoor

G E T O U T O F J A I L F R E E

Pnson system

,e

*s

youout to

make room for

^ n a b b e d with

1/8


39/52

Nf

IN

High-pr iced legal

team f inds

cockamamie

" techn ica l i ty "

to get yo u off,

scot-free

C E T O U T O F J A I L F R E E

.

z S S Z

i

Night Court

c logged wi th

hookers and

drunks fai ls to

arraign you within

48-hour legal l imit

G E T O U T

O F

J A I L F R E E

I N j

rrn

Parole Board

fal ls for your

S_

per formance rVSfflPM

bout finding ^ \

l

religion"

^ y

Judge in your M^M ^

white-collar

cr ime tr ia l

be longs to the

same Country \

Club as you

G E T O U T

S E T O U T O F J A I L F R E E

insanity

defense just for

your case

GET 0U T

0

F

J M L F R E


40/52

T H E B U Y I N G G A M E D E P T .

We live in a society up to its keister in sleazy, manipu

lative advertisements. Buy this cream and look young

forever Smoke this cigarette and women will throw

themselves at you Everywhere you look it's sell, sell,

sell It's no wonder most people are maxed out on their

credit cards. Madison Avenue has turned us into a

nation of zombie consumers addicted to the very act of

buying. How about you? Are you one of the poor unfor

tunate victims of this insidious Capitalistic plot? Are

your spending habits out of control? Find out as

you take our little quiz...

ARE

you

I--Shopping Ha bits

read a UP C symbol byrunningyour If you've ever crasheda Tupperware

Party,

Ifyou boughta second VCR from the

it,CHARGE $100 CHARGE $70 Shopping Networkso you could tape

CHARGE$100

II--General Lifestyle

the nation on the problemof If a local department store haseverhad a

debt,

thePresidenthas ever mentioned display mannequin cast in your likeness,

CHARGE $450 CHA RG E $150

If Visa,MasterCardorAmerican Expres

ever presented youwith any kindof Life

Achievement Award,"CHARGE $500

HI--H ypothetical Situations

issudden

a

tothe hospital

back

of the

you

astore

indow sign

You would

most likely...

...Politely askthedriver to slow down

a

bitashepassesso you cand o aquick

"looksee."

CHARGE $100

...Firmly order

the

ambulance driver

to ...Scream

at

the ambulance driver to park

pull over

and

keep giving your mother and clear the old lady out

of

the back

to

oxygen while

you

"just pick

up a few

make room for

all

the stuff you plan

on

things," CHARGE $300 buying,CHARGE $600

your

to

lo

shop

mall

noti

spec

lar fi

a frie

hom

Yo

wo

mo

like


41/52

ARTIS T: TO M BU N K WRITE R: J . P RE

If you've ever invited friends over to

see your "Proof of Purchase" collection,

C H A R GE $ 2 0 0 .

If you use a Clapper to turn on

Flow bee so you can trim your Chia

CHARGE $900

f your L ast W ill and Testam ent calls for your

ered across the parking lot of a local shop

CHARGE $450

If, at the height of a sexual encounter, y ou

have ever accidentally yelled out the name

"EddieBauer" or "Hammacher Schlemmer,'

CHARGE $300

If you're taking this quiz w hile standing

checkout line,

CHARGE $75

hen you get there,

CLEAREWCE

...Speed

to the

mall

and call in the fire -

but not

before

ifflinghe

clearance

rack,

CHARGE $300

...Race into theburning building search

ing forthe owners to seei fthey have any

idea w hen they might hold a fire sale,

CHARGE $695

GRAND TOTAL

Parts I , I I and Hi

W H A T (D)HJ

IBULL MIEANS

If you charged over $2500,

ar e

well

on your

way

to bec

ing a bona fide shopaholic

suggest an immediate trip

your local bookstore, wh

there are numerous books

videoson compulsive shop

available for purch


42/52

PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES

A R TIST A ND WR ITER : D A V E B ER G


43/52

PROBLEMS

G A M B L I N G

You're puttins the restof your

chips on number fourteen?

You

haven't won

even

once

tonisht Whykeepbetting it?

It's

my

lucky

number


44/52

EXPERTISE

Why doyou

say

that?

I think

he'sterrific

Last nisht you laughedat every

one of your

boyfriend's jokes

as if they we re allvery

even though they weren't

Mr. Moger, your problem

is that you're

living

in

a

world

of your

own

So wha t'swron

with that,

[ Doctor Forman

W

-&

c S


45/52

B AR GAIN S

He's throw n 14 knives and

he couldn't h it her once

Look They're having a giant

weekend sale at the mall

I'll be back on Monday

Wow You got yourself a

power

vehicle,

Sal

How fast does

it go from zero to a hundred?

No t as fast as my checking

account goes from$400

to zeroevery m onth

At least I can trust the

person who's running it

FAMILY PLAN N IN G

I wishmy

youngest

one

would get

married

and move ou t already

Why rush the boy?

He's only

nineteen

I need the room for my

oldest one

She's

getting a divorce

and moving back

home with her

kids


46/52

TH E OFFIC E

. -

What's w i th those

Suys, Amy?

They seem very

upset

t o d a y

They heard that some

people a t the top

are goins to have

to be

let go

Corporate

has

run out of

executive parking spots


47/52


48/52

When from the Depths there rose a voice, unlike those heard before

An ego-driven motor-mouth, whom no one could

ignore;

Soon scads of sleaze-starved listeners, their

dials

they would tum

Tocatch the raunchy ravings of the loud one, Howard Stem.

Soon groupies b ared their busty bods to prove theyweregood sports;

He spanked their bottoms on the air while stripped down to his shorts;

Four-letter words kept spewing outhe couldn'tsugarcoat 'em;

Too

late the brass discovered Howards brain was in his scrotum.

They signed him up at NBC 'twas clear they had a prize

Indeed, with Howard at the mike the ratings reached the sk

Though sev'ral bigwigs feared he might be coming on too s

With schticks like Lesbo Dial-A-Date and Virgin Mary Kong

They canned him, a nd throughout the land great discontent wa

Anoutrage," shouted loyal fans, ablow below thebelt

On city streets they mournedas though they'd lost theirclosest

A few were even heard to ask,

Could

this be

Howard's

end


49/52

e sits on high, his visage long and lean;

his tumbling locks of hair, five earrings can b e seen,

fawn his toadies, as to him their praises sing

Shock,the Earl of Sleaze, the Mouth

beKing.

Each day he holds us spellbound with the spiel that he d

Describing, say, the boob-job of his sidekick, Robin Q

Or

telling his disciples of the joys of mastu

(The cause, some people say, ofJoycelyn Elders' Fascin

To

faithful fans , he's like a god who s on a holy mission,

A view not shared by members of the Christian Coalition;

Cleanup your act,"they thunder, orwe'llforceyou off the

Butt out," he says, agroupie's here who's shaved her pubicha

radio has made him rich, at times he's breaking free

pull in greater m egabucks on pay-per-viewTV;

in case a fan or two might fail to catch him "live,"

the video for $19.95.

a movie,

s hop es were

nwind;

some say

else the dea l fell

He hopedasNe wYork Governorgreat changes he might bring

Announcing he would run, he threw his jockstrap in the ring

He soondropped

out,

which fdled his many boosters with dismay

He'dbarehis butt for votes, but show his tax returns?Noway


50/52

His fans went ape

for

Private

Parts, o f

this there was no

doubt;

sHoward,free

of

censorship,now let

it all

hangout;

So

touching was

th e

tale

hetold,

it's no surprise to learn

His

penis size is now

a

cause

of

national

concern.

With pen in

hand,h e

crossed the land to publici

As scores

of

groupies mobbed the stores to get a c

They shed brassieres and thongs

for

fear they might seemo

And cheered each timeheautographed another nak

Today he lines up top celebs for

guest-shots on his

shows

Stallone

an d

Richard

Simmons,

Donald Trump

and Axl Rose,

>

m

y?

>


51/52

OF

ISSOCIETY

POWERLESS

T O E N D ?

H E R E W E G O W I T H A N O T H E R R I D I C U L O U S

MAD FOLD-IN

W h e n

i t

c o m e s

to the

pa i n

a n d

ho r ro r

o f

abuse , soc i e t y

h a s

a l w a y s

been ab l e

t o

un i t e

t o put a

stop

to i t .

Today, how ever , t he re

i s a n e w

abuse tha t

is

s w e e p i n g

th e

na t i on

a n d

un for tunate ly ,

n o t

m u c h

ca n

be done about

i t . To

f i nd

o u t

wh a t t h i s k i nd

of

t e r r i b l e phys i ca l

a b u s e w e ' r e u n a b l e

to

c o n t r o l

i s ,

p l eas e f o l d page

in as

s h o w n .

FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT

FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS

4B

FOLD BACK

SO" A "

MEETS

" B "

BOL D M EA SU RE S HAVE F AILED T O REDUCE BL O O DY

PHYSICAL ABUSE. MANY PEOPL E ARE OCCU

P I E D I N T H E N A S T Y B U S I N E S S . S O M E A RE S E A R

C H I N G FO R A M E T H O D TO E N D T H I S A W F U L T H I N G

A ^


52/52

mumiums SFumm

umw,

mad issue no 339.pdf

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