Make Getting Feedback Less Stressful

Featuring Ed Batista, an executive coach, an instructor at the

Stanford Graduate School of Business, and blogger on

www.HBR.com

FEBRUARY 26, 2015Sponsored by

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FEBRUARY 26, 2015

Today’s Speaker

Ed Batista, an executive coach, an instructor

at the Stanford Graduate School of

Business, and blogger on www.HBR.com

Make Getting Feedback Less Stressful

FEBRUARY 26, 2015

@HBRExchange | #HBRwebinar

Make Getting Feedback Less Stressful

FEBRUARY 26, 2015

HBR Guide to Coaching Employees

Succeed as a manager by learning how to

coach your employees.

- Create realistic plans for growth

- Provide feedback they’ll actually apply

- Give them room to grow

Making Feedback

Ed Batista, February 26, 2015

Less Stressful

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

Photo: Seth Anderson

Who am I?

Executive coach

Instructor @ Stanford GSB

Write @ HBR.org & edbatista.com

HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees

Photo: Seth Anderson

Why feedbackmatters to me

Touchy Feely

Changed my view of myself

Impact on my clients & students

Photo: Seth Anderson

Why I believe itmatters to you

Soft skills are hard

Leadership is evolving

Feedback = The most efficient way to improve

Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]

Agenda

Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]

Agenda

The headline

Emotion

Social threat

Feedback-rich culture

Questions

The headline

Photo by Garry Knight [link]

The headline

Photo by Garry Knight [link]

Feedback is stressful

So critique with skill…

Express more appreciation…

& build it into your culture

The simplest

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

feedback model

The simplest

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

1st key: Specify behavior [X]

Clarifies what we’re talking about

feedback model

The simplest

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

2nd key: Specify emotion [Y]

Creates interest & influences future behavior

feedback model

The simplest

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

feedback model

Emotion

Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

Emotion

Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

Antonio Damasio, USC

What purpose do emotions serve?

What role do they play in reasoning?

Emotion

Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

Emotions evolved to support survival

Uncontrolled emotion & bias can lead us astray*

But emotion is integral to reasoning

Essential for efficient decision-making

Emotion

Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

Victor Johnston, New Mexico State

“Discriminant hedonic amplifiers”

Emotion

Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

Victor Johnston, New Mexico State

“Discriminant hedonic amplifiers”

Boost signals in our mental landscape

Emotions = Attention magnets

Emotion

Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

Joseph LeDoux, NYU

“A quick and dirty signal”

Neural pathways 2x

But speed has a price

Emotion

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

Emotion

Rapid triggering

Reflexive responses

Sensing ≠ Comprehension

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

Emotion

Display rules

“Don’t be so emotional.”

Disclosing feelings Vulnerable

Emotion management is key

Emotion

Photo by Tania Cataldo [link]

management

Emotion

Not “suppression”

Reframing

Self-soothing

Talking about feelings

management

Reframing

Photo by Rodrigo Baptista [link]

Reframing

“Cognitive reappraisal”

James Gross & Rebecca Ray, Stanford

Kevin Ochsner, Columbia

How do our thoughts influence our experience?

Reframing

The meanings we assign Emotional response

Re-interpret a situation Manage our emotions

Self-soothing

Photo by Amanda Patsopoulou [link]

Self-soothing

“Physiological modification”

Active steps to change our emotional state

Self-soothing

“Response modification”

Active choice in how we express emotion

Self-soothing

Deeper, slower breaths

Speak more slowly & monitor tone

Sense our non-verbals & body language

Shift focus of our attention

Talking about

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

feelings

Talking about

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

feelings“Affect labeling”

Amygdala

Talking disrupts negative emotion

Talking about emotion > Thinking about emotion

Stress & learning

Photo by Sara V. [link]

Stress & learning

Photo by Sara V. [link]

Yerkes-Dodson Law (Harvard, 1908)

Arousal improves performance up to a point

Some stress increases learning

Too much stress stifles learning

Stress & learning

Stress

Learning

Stress & learning

Hans Selye, Université de Montréal

Eustress & Distress

Stress & learning

Stress

Learning

Eustress Distress

Stress & learning

Judy Willis

Teachers limit stress Students learn more

Stress & learning

Stress

Learning

Eustress Distress

Critical to avoid the tipping point

Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

To review

To review

Emotion

Integral to reasoning

Attracts attention

Exerts influence

A critical element in feedback

To review

Emotion also…

Fast-moving & hard to control

Distress stifles learning

Management practices are key

Who cares?

Photo by Robert S. Donovan [link]

6 of the scariestwords in the

English language

Can I give you

Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]

some feedback?

Why is feedback

Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]

so stressful?

Feedback and

Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]

social threat

Photo by State Farm [link]

Threat response

Photo by State Farm [link]

Threat response

“Fight, flight or freeze”

Photo by State Farm [link]

Threat response

Physiological

Adrenaline & cortisol

Heart rate, blood pressure, respiration

Optimized for strength & speed

Photo by State Farm [link]

Threat response

Emotional

Anger & aggression

Fear & anxiety

Primed for snap judgments

Photo by State Farm [link]

Threat response

Cognitive

Negativity bias

Impairment & diminished capacity

Decision-making, problem-solving, collaboration

Social threat

Photo by David Sim [link]

Social threat

Photo by David Sim [link]

Some social situations ≈ Physical threats

Identical responses

Physiological

Emotional

Cognitive

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

SCARF model

SCARF model

David Rock, NeuroLeadership Institute

What social situations trigger a threat response?

SCARF modelStatus

Photo by the National Guard [link]

SCARF modelStatus

Certainty

Photo by Amy Ashcraft [link]

SCARF modelStatus

Certainty

Autonomy

Photo by Charles Hoffman [link]

SCARF modelStatus

Certainty

Autonomy

Relatedness

Photo by Don-Pixel [link]

SCARF modelStatus

Certainty

Autonomy

Relatedness

Fairness

Photo by JMTImages [link]

SCARF modelStatus

Certainty

Autonomy

Relatedness

Fairness

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

Use the model

When getting

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

feedback

When gettingfeedback

(Reframe the experience)

Offering feedback ≠ Higher status

Emphasize choice & agency

Remember the relationship*

Manage defensiveness*

When gettingfeedback

When getting

Feeling threatened ≠ There’s an actual threat

feedback

When gettingfeedback

(Self-soothe)

When getting

Cultivate in-the-moment awareness

Notice & arrest our threat response

Slow things down

feedback

When gettingfeedback

(Talk about feelings)

When getting

Feedback should be a dialogue

Share feelings in the moment

Manage threat response

feedback

Photo by Garry Knight [link]

When givingfeedback

When giving

(Lower the risk of threat response)

feedback

When giving

Be mindful of status

Minimize uncertainty

Maximize autonomy

Build the relationship

feedback

Photo by Harsha KR [link]

Relationships

Relationships

John Gottman, University of Washington

What characterizes successful relationships?

Relationships

Feeling known by the other

A culture of appreciation

Responding to “bids”

Mutual influence

A soft start*

When giving

Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]

Not like this

feedback

When giving

Photo by Oakley Originals [link]

feedback

Like this

Begin with authentic positive intent

Emphasize mutual goals

Manage stress levels

Minimize risk of threat response

When givingfeedback

Photo by Connor Tartar [link]

Relationships& conflict

5:1 positive to negative interactions

Over time, not in every conversation

“Emotional bank account”

Relationships& conflict

Relationships

Requires investment in advance

Relationships

Requires investment in advance

Can’t “switch on” when needed

Relationships

Goal isn’t just “warm fuzzies”

Strong relationships Feedback is less stressful

Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]

Defensiveness

Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]

Defensiveness

Specific form of threat response

Generated by perceptions of unfairness

We feel misunderstood and want to explain

Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]

Defensiveness

It’s useful data (Sign of significance)

But threat response Cognitive impairment

When triggered, we can’t take in feedback

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

The net

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

The net

David Bradford, Stanford

How to increase perceptions of fairness?

How to minimize defensiveness?

The net

Me You

Your

response

My

behavior

My

intention

What I know

Me

My

intention

My

behavior

What I don’t

You

Your

response

What you know

You

Your

response

My

behavior

Me

What you don’t

My

intention

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

Use the model

When getting

Photo by Francesco [link]

feedback

When getting

(Reframe the experience)

feedback

When getting

They will cross the net

Impact ≠ Intent

Our defensiveness wasn’t their intention

feedback

When getting

(Self-soothe)

feedback

When getting

How do I respond when I feel unfairly accused?

Down-regulate our emotions

Slow things down

feedback

When getting

(Talk about feelings)

feedback

When getting

“I feel a little defensive.”

Or embarrassed or ashamed

Very difficult & very effective

feedback

When giving

Photo by Andrew Yee [link]

feedback

When giving

(Minimize the risk of threat response)

feedback

When giving

Avoid crossing the net

Focus on what you know

(Observed behavior & your response)

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

feedback

When giving

Remember that you will cross the net

Intent ≠ Impact

Intentions don’t guarantee desired impact

feedback

When giving

Disclose your intention

Down-regulate their emotions

feedback

Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

To review

Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

To review

Minimize social threat

The SCARF model & the net

Reframe, self-soothe, talk about feelings

Build the relationship

Manage defensiveness

Feedback-rich

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

culture

Feedback-rich

Social threat Many times/day

Most commonly at work

Individual skills reduce social threat

Culture plays a huge role

culture

Feedback-richculture

Individual skills ≈ Genes

Environment determines their expression

Skills are necessary but insufficient on their own

Ability to deploy skills is culture-dependent

Feedback-richculture

(Components)

Feedback-richculture

Safety, trust & intimacy

Balance

Normalcy

Accountability

Safety, trust,

Photo by Carly Lesser & Art Drauglis [link]

intimacy

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Abraham Maslow

What motivates us as human beings?

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Physiological

Safety

Love & belonging

Esteem

Self-actualization

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Parallels in working groups,

relationships &

organizations…

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Experiments, risk-taking &

vulnerability

Learning, self-

awareness & change

Parallels in working groups,

relationships &

organizations…

Psychological safety, trust & intimacy

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Psychological safety, trust & intimacy

THE FOUNDATION

Safety, trust,intimacy

Safety, trust,intimacy

Safety = I won’t get hurt.

Trust = I believe you & you believe me.

Intimacy = We can make the private public.

Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback

Safety

It’s OK to be vulnerable.

I’m open to criticism.

We can discuss emotional topics without fear.

Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback

Trust

Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback

Trust

I believe in your good intentions.

I know negative feedback is intended to help.

I accept positive feedback as genuine.

Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback

Intimacy

I can tell you how I feel about you.

We can invite another person into the discussion.

We can have this discussion with the whole team.

Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback

Practical steps

Get to know each other

Invest in relationships

Build “emotional bank accounts”

Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback

Practical steps

Talk about emotions

Expand your comfort zone

Modify display rules

Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback

Practical steps

Make it OK to say “No”

Or at least “Not now”

Minimize threat response

Balance

Positive feedback

Photo by Scott Cutler [link]

Positive feedback

A paradox

So important

So often ineffective

What’s wrong?

Positive feedback

Lack of trust

We often praise the wrong things

Positive feedback

Often unsaid (Display rules)

We don’t practice We never improve

Balance over time is key

Positive feedback

Practical steps

Start small

Acknowledge & appreciate

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

Positive feedback

Practical steps

Praise effort & persistence

Not innate abilities

Builds resilience & determination

Positive feedback

Practical steps

Offer some positive feedback…and stop

Don’t praise to buffer criticism

Use a soft start instead

Normalcy

Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]

Normalcy

Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]

Make feedback normal

Not a performance review

Leaders = Role models

Normalcy

Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]

Practical steps

Don’t wait for special occasions

Work in public (riskier, more trust & intimacy)

Accountability

Photo by Hector Alejandro [link]

Accountability

Walking the talk

Leaders’ behavior is key

Accountability

Practical steps

Be transparent

Ask for feedback

(Subordinates won’t volunteer it)

Questions?

Photo by Alexander Drachman [link]

Questions?

OCTOBER 17, 2012

To ask a question … click on the “question icon” in the lower-right corner of your screen.

@HBRExchange | #HBRwebinar

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