melissa basinger

8/14/2019 Melissa Basinger

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: ou are tur nin g th e pages 0f.a satirical publication.It is possible tha t th e s imple act of\reading will cause you t o be

,OeFFEN-DEw h il e you're 'sitt ingthere, de ciding ifyou're goin g to con-t inue onw ard and read

some o f our funniestarticles to date, take alook a t this advertise-ment .

It w as published in th eChevron (UW fs precur-sor t o mprint) o n Fri-

N o ake. Grck K dub i s establishing a campusmanpower center to arrange part

Think anyone could get time work for students this fa#. pkrnaway with print ing an to rwisier at our desk at t-e.egis)rat.ion,advertisem ent l ike th a tthese days? USED BOOK STORE

,

- For th e uninitiated, Misprint is a chance for us todaugh a t ~ u r s e l v e s .N o individualor group is safe, especia lly our own staff, end everythingis in tended t o be taken in the s pi r i t of humdur.

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MisprintW's Official ~ t u d d ~ ~ a t i r e misprint,uwaterloo.ca

This WeekApril 1,2002 Vol. 24 No. 7

The Mail

Overtired

7 The Year That Wasn'tOsama bin Laden found atUW; Laurier students found tobe shrinking; RIM buys city for$200 milhon.

Housing Approved Sex1 3 Covers you'll Never See

'12, COVER 12 Misprint UniversitiesMISPRINT UNIVERSITIES RANKING ISSUE Ranking IssueDon't hate us because ke know way more about ranking ufiiversities than you do. The Our annual ranking of the best

honest truth is that you& just jealous that we thought of it first. Maybe if you'd and the worst that Canadlan

beaten us to it, your schodl woulddt be in 12th place for library holdtngs. No whining, universities have to offer. Gener-

just honest (and compieteJy Eablie~ted) eporting. ally that means why we're betterthan everyone else.

FE&T$IRES 14 Feature: Trading Spacesl "I

Covers You'll Never See In what we hopewill

become a time-honoured 9 Entertainment ~~t~~tradition, Misprint is proud to present five of our best alternate covers; those head-lines that would be unfit to print in any other medtum. Enjoy. Election Noteboo k

14 Trading Spaces In what is rapidly becoming a cult-classic, TLC's Trading Spaces ~ Q L U M ~ ~ Smade a pit-stop in lowly Waterloo to inflict cheapo design on Imprint and WIRG.

Ma rk A. Schaan20 Election Notebook We peer into the mind of a lowly campaign manager as hetries to win the election whde fending off rabid squirrels and candidates. Ryan Ma tthe w Merkley

Mis pri nt 1s @ The contents of thls publication are a satirfcal commentary, meted out leest should be cons~dered s proof positwe that Me IS replete withproduct of: on behalf of the students of the University of Waterloo, by thp vo lun- Irony, and most people are dumber than you glve them credit for.

teers at Imprint, the official student newpaper. If you're one of those people hat can't take a oke- and there are a~ n yimilarity to ~ndlvlduals r situatfons existing n he past, present lot of you outthere - ut thls magazine dow n right away, before some-

or future are purely a resul t of some sick cos@c comcidence, or at one gets hurt.

Misprint I April 1, 2002 1


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.

I'm a Rhodes schola;and;oufre not

Ised to have to prove to people how why you wentphere, just tell them that I

smart I am. Ever since I got a Rhodes toId you ta$&nember4 hph-$ d e sscholarship, though, I don't even have scholar, &d 6 d r e not (md ;leiheris +e

to try. person t a m g toyou)! 7s iI've always known that I was pretty Rhodes rhymes with a buqth of:&&&,

smart ; now, everyone else thinks that I am like abodes, rodds, toa&ic$


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Yours o carry.m o x and musclesand enKnce cardiovascular function...

Southern Darkness GARGANTUA Association of Canadawww.aonad.org


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Intellectual ho ns. Hired Goons.I just wanted to write a quick letter to Do you have a prof you'd like to "ex-congratulate you on some of the excel- tract" better marks from? Does your land-lent journalism I have found within your lord or landlady need a "reminder" of hispaper. In particular, Aaron Lee-Wudrick's or her duties? Would you like that annoy- ,column has been right on the mark. His ing, know-~t-all tudent in your class "si-opinions on the deregulation of tuition, lenced"?on the uselessness of religion and espe- If so, then contact your nearest mem- Ugly Squirrelscially on Greg Macdougall were so true. ber of the Warriors football team. We'd Now I've read a lot of angry letters latelyIf elected, I promise to take a page from like to "give back" t g the students who on these pages. People bantering back andmy f5iend Jim Fla her ty an d have have provided-us with so much support forth, "There are no good looking girlsMacdougall and all those silly communists through the years. on campus." Boohoo. "On our first datearrested and jailed for intellectual home- You h a w , spendmg all our money on he wanted me to solve his Rubix's Cube."lessness. booze and going on drunken rampages Cry me a river!

So, once again, congratulations to Lee- has its charm. But the problem is, when Try being a young, vigorous, outgoingWudrick for all his brave and salient opin- we vake up - e have no money! So squirrel looking for action on this cam-ions. (And congratulations also to the we're offering our services to you, the pus. Now I know what you're going tonewly-elected Feds executives. I'm look- cowering masses. say. "Hey Chuckles, there's a millioriing very forward to continbing our rela- For the price of getting us hammered, fucking squirrels on campus, one stole mytionship.) we're open to performing any act of com- damn cookie last night." But take a closerElizabeth Witmer, K-WMPP mon thuggery you require. look my, friend. They're all practically

, Consider us, the Warriors football team, undateable.

Thanksfo'thaprops fo~yo~nextevent . Everywhere YOU look, there's squirrelsM ~ and my peeps us t wanted to say that "The Smart One", UW Warriors football team dgg ing in dumpsters (would you want to

Greg Macdougall is the phattest shit to hss that mouth?), delinquent squirrels

hit this paper since ink. He speaks it like Fashion Action Group runrung vans off the road and some withit is and always represents. Even tho' he in Ttanys was really the las t the most horrible tail-do's you'll ever see.

be of the lighta' persuasion we know tha straw. I t is time for action! For too long A squirrel's gotta have a little acorn nowhe be opressed 2nd repressed by tha' man the poorly dressed and scruffy looking and again. You know what I'm saying?

just like da rest of us brothers. My agent have been looked down upon by m s Now all I'm asking for is a hot mama with

sez thanks for da free plugs. self-described fashion elite. It's potten t o a big bushy tail\ and long luscious whisk-

Peace out.Oubkast, Macdougall's rap idol

MOW 20 R ~ ~ C I PSby e-mail (no e-mail, please)For letters to the editor, press releases, storyproposals: please fuck right off.

With letters, please supply yourself with thesufficient wherewtthal to realize that we arenot a real fucking publication. You're an ass.

Your stupid opinions will never appear in thisCOMPLETELY FICTIONAL publication.For subscriptions or delivery problems: see"what to do with letters and press releases"section above, Same goes for complaints.Address:Misprint Publications,Why are you reading this7 We have no addressyou stupid moron. This is all make-believe, likcwhen you kiss your pillow a littl e toopassionately at night. You think nobodyknows7 Fuck, we know. Get a life.

4 Misprint I April 1, 2002- - -

"

the point where one can't wear a pair of ers. Is that too much?

grey track pants or a Tazmanian Devil t- Chuckles, the Squirrel.

shtrt withoit get ridiculed by some preppyknow-it-all in a Gap sweater and Diesel For s hit's sake, help !Jeans. We will no longer be oppressed by I don't have much ime so I'll be brief.these prideged few Unfortunately, our It's me, Dave Ellis, Feds presidential can-WPIRG action group has met with lim- didate. 17ve been imprisoned for the lastited success. It's time for direct a c h n , he two months, preverited from participat-more radical the better. ing in the election.

The Fashion Action Group will resist The day before the first election forum,these colonialist clothiers until they release I was just addmg one last quote from Platous from their Calvin Klein tyranny. No to my speech, when suddenly, hired goonsone wearing Prada, Danier or even It: burst Into my room. One man, identify-Chateau will be safe from our terrible ing himself only as "the Reverend ofwrath. Be warned. Pain," clubbed me over the head with a

The Fa shon Action Group will have its cross and then they stuffed me into a sack.first terror meeting next Wednesday in I don't have much time, I think some-MC 4052. Orange drink will be served. body's coming. For God's sake, help me!The Fashion Action Group Dave Ellis, Feds catpdidate/political prisoner


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Overt ireddited by Melon Stupidhead with Flobee Meow

logto decide next

Fedselection

he screw-ups in this year's ' awless admits that having aederation of Students elec- psychic dog choose candi-on have prompted outgoing dates lends about as mucheds president Yaacov lland validity to the election proc->take adical steps to reform ess as having 12 per centl e process "in the hopes of vot er tu rnou t. "I've got aparing the fresh meat from magic eight ball you can bor-ii s seventh level of hell." row orthe next Misprint elec-Due to budget constraints tions too," he added.

nd a lack of applicants for the To lend an air of impartialitymake a simple list of current to.this decision, Illand hiredtudents" job the Feds posted former Feds president Chris

~ i t h o-op last term, all future Farley as a short-term consult-lections will be decided by a ant to the Feds. While oftensychic dog. The change was accused of poor judgement,3jected by student's counci l Farley has never been ac-nd wil l become effective cused of indecisiveness.lay 1,2002. "First I decided ktudent s"You think you can do &bet- should get a1fee increase to

?r ob?" quipped Illand. "We ' pay for the dog, then I decidedeally didn't have mu ch to take the increase o a refer-hoice. Either we changed endum, then I decided thei e process or UW admin was admin should take care of it;oing to do it for us." then I decided that that bottleStatistics professor Jerry of scotch looked better in me

and rel,iable as th ecurrent system, aria

less expensive.

than on the shelf." tee decisions - ome werell and decli ned t o reveal unperturbed. Amazingly, they

Farley'sfee, but a Feds insider to ld Misprint , if you don'tsuggested we contact Feds vote, you won' tfind the proc-accountant Arthur Andersen. ess frustrating at all.

While many students had Newly elected Feds presi-expressed frustration with the dent Brenda Slomka told Mis-electi,on and ref erend um print she objected to beingprocesses - ncluding the called fresh meat.subjectivity of election com- Robert Mugabe,mittee and appeals comrnit- Misprint Election Advisor

mathNEWS accidentallypublishes news articleUW's marhNEWS, a student- other studentrun publication that mysteri- was equa llyously appears every other puzzled. "I

week, made waves last Friday just can't understand it. It'swhen it published an article like my last CS 342 assign-that contained facts and had ment. If I wanted news, I'da point. The article, written by read Imprint, or some otherPeter S. Love,.described prob- boring-ass rag."lems with UW's computer sci- When asked why the articleence program. was published, mathNEWS

' Math students stoodstunned in the halls bf the MCafter the issue's release. In hecomfy lounge, a 20-sided dierotled silently across a tablelike a tumbleweed. One stu-dent, who requested anonym-ity, said, "I don't know whatthe hell's gotten into thosebastards in the closet." An-

editors were of different opin-ions. "We thought that stu-dents would be concernedabout the developments,"said Love. "Hey, if I had seenthat, I would have deleted itimmediately. mathNEWS isn'ta damn newspaper," said ad-other editor.

Messy Helmet's brother

Misprint I April 1,2002 5


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Cone Green exhales degrees

S tuated on the cusp of a project Puff 'n' Share wi ll cel-rolling hil l overlooking a ebrate its 25th anniversary -pic tur esq ue creek, Cone a quarter century of takingGreen College is well-placed. two puffs and then passing.The college is Canada's first The program has been an in-post-secondary institution to spiration for many, and simi-have rolled the study of can- lar projects have sprung upnabis int o its curri culum . across the county. '

Cone Green offers courses in This year also marked thepacking, rolling, smoking and depa rture of th e p rojec t'shempfarming. In addition, the head, Comrade Blunts, whoPeace and Marijuana Studies left to share his vision of har-program is widely respected, mony with the world. He's

Rowell Erbup, director of missed by staff and studentstheprogram,explained:"Alot alike. A graduate stu den tof places have peace and con- painted a portrait of a personflict programs, but It's like, wit h pers onali ty: "Bluntswhy would we want to study could carry a class without

conflict? It's such a downer." even showing up. SometimesVisitors to campus are hard- Blunts would leave us a five-

pressed to ignore the sweet gram cone with a note read-smells when students rise ing, 'Inhale the sess, exhalefrom bed at 4:2O pim. With so the stress.' We all learnedmany young people smoking something on those days."spliffs, and with Cone Green In addi tion to faculty likebeing the only college in the Blunts, the ,college's cafeteriacountry offering ganja stud- is known campus-widefor itsies, demand is high. special brownies.

This year, th e college's ope Smoke

City of Cambridge unveils plans for student ghetto

T e city of Cambridge hastaken another step to-wards becoming a universitytown, unveiling plans for-itsown student ghetto.

The city will soon be hometo the UW school of architec-ture and city planners havenoticed a critical shortage ofsubstandard, ugly and gener-ally shitty housing in theneighbourhoods surroundingthe new school, a necessity

for proper student accommo-dations.

After a lengthy consultationperiod with Waterloo slumlords, frat boys and residentsof Columbia street, the cityhas produced detailed plansto create an authentic studentliving environment. "Ourghetto wil l be twice as ghetto

8 Misprint I April 1, 2002

as Waterloo's ghetto everwas," boasted CambridgeMayor Doug Craig.

The plan has a number ofcomponents. The new stu-dent district will have its gar-bage service reduced to onecollection per month, andsanitation personnel havebeen directed to kick everysecond garbage can into themiddle of the road to create arealistic student environment.

All furniture currently insidestudent housing will bemoved to the lawn, and astrict ban on grass cutting wil lbe introduced.

Under the new plan, cur-tains will be replaced with oldstahed Star Wars bed sheets.Any students caught paintingor otherwise beautifying heir

residences wil l subsequentlyfined and evicted.

Local residents have alsobeen encouraged to throwunwanted chesterfields, mi-crowaves and other uselessgarbage into the student dis-trict instead of the dump."One generous donor has al-ready left his Dodge Ariesupside-down, on one of thelawns," said an excited Craig.

All of the homes selected or

degradation have had theirheavy appliances modified t omeet student's low standards.The ovens have all beenpushed up against the refrig-erators to ensure that neitherof them will ever operate atthe correct temperature. Thewashing machines have nowbeen equipped with a special

overflow feature to keepbasements suitably dank andsmelly.

Local merchants have beenasked to pitch in by movingnovelty items, like newspaperboxes and reaf estate signage,to locations facilitating easytheft. It is expected that i t willtake six to eight months ofdedicated theivery until theghetto is suitably full of ridicu-lously stupid stolen items.

Waterloo Mayor LynnWolstencroft laughed off sug-gestions that Cambridge'sghetto coutd ever rival that ofWaterloo: ' I personally threwmy old mattress on ColumbiaStreet last night. Let's see ifmayor Craig can beat that kindof dedication."

Crass E.T., Ghetto Fool


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3ured with-the title- "King of?IMville:!3Me is to receive a;ceptrqccmwn ewels and an~ffice, d)~nglHe ith ;I witer-Bll, l ive palm tfeesandta pet-ing zoo, td be constructed n,lace of city hall laterthis year.

The city has since budgeted

6500 million to cover the

casts of renaming at! city s e w -

ices and private companiesbearing he name "Waterloo."This money will be taised pri-marily hrough the sponsoredrenaming of the city's staffmembers. "It's a great way toraise funds," commented RIM

staffer Hermione Fitzpatrick,

who, for $%PO, sponsored the recteff to apply for city jobs atrenaming of ity clerk Jim www.fimjbb.~om, but the do-Smith. Jim RIM was n& avail- man?~&&& @ysteriouslyable fos:oqmrnent, but Lynne takerrl. k & ~ & . ~ l d n s o con-Woolstencroft-RIM said ishe t i n u e ' ~ & . = ~ ~ p ~ r & amingthought the new names were scheme, and w@%e meetinglong overdue. with Tim Mbrt~n's enior ex-

Prospective RIMvilke em - '~% oti uhc dl ab~ ih is eek.ployees w u l d have been

di- Slagda KdczngrpdnpdgMk' 1

VVh-a& that- s w ?TW entrepreneurial spirit isalive and Uckinb at UW. A

group of studentskin he en-terprise co-op program havecome up with a brilliant idea.

he idea is simple: an inno-vative cologhe, bottling thescent from the Math comfylounge. "It's so easy, how else

can \jou recreate memoriesand bring back the nostalgia,than by using the scent?"asked,one student.

The new scents will appearunder the brand name CS-1.The students intend to targetnostalgic math alumni andpotential CS students.

Fozzie Beat

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CAMPUSCONFIDENTIALMisprint% study puts the University of Waterloo on top

.orever

fter years of scorn for inadequate mechanisms ofranking universities inCanada, we here at Mi.$wifitA ave listened and are proud

to unveil a compIetely new methodologyfor testing greatness. Not surprisingly,however, little has changed in terms ofthe winners and losers (it's pretty hard tofind a rankmg that co dd make a schoolfull of morons look psetty good - urapologies to the University of Manitoba).

Part of the new methodology involvechanges to better reflect the real natureof our university divisions. Whde previ-ously grouped as Primarily Undergradu-ate, Comprehensive and Medical Doc-toral, universities will now be featured inthe "budget,'! "not quite a real university"and "almost a real university" categories.Not surprisingly, the University of Water-

loo has retained its number one spot in research and teaching. Waterloo retainedthe "not quite a real university" category. its position largely due to the newly-cre-Pact of their strength once again lies in ated ra&hgcriteria, which included "low-their continuing growth in the "courses est student voter turnout," "least inter-not taught in Enghsh" category. This year, . sting buildings" and "most coursesthe entire growth was achieved almost sin- taught by a machine."gle-handedly by the faculty of Mathemat- Iii a s h o c h g revelation, the Universityics. Miqrintwas imprqssed not only with of Guelph slipped five spots due tothe sheer't-olurne of these courses, but fraudulent submissions over the pastalso with the variety of languages offered, number of years. It appears that the uni-including broken English. versity's student awards office had been

UW President Johnston had a different counting the blue ribbons won by each

explanation for the success. We continue cow and pig as students with scholarshipsto do great things because our kids con- attending the university. While sttmg bytinue to do nothing but study. I'm so the revelation, the university has begun ahappy no one here is getting laid. I think new campaign to have the achievementswe would be suffering if students here of its animals recognized in rankings.actually got 8 piece every now and again." "They're just like our students, really,': said

With a greater focus on pure academ- Cletus,,a spokesperson for the university.ics, our new ranking criteria gave extra -Due to a change in methodology, theweight to campuses that do nothing but University of Western Ontario has won

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BY SHMEESA SHMONSON and political and en6ronmental activists styrofoam newspaper, which will take upwould be happiest if they could just go that entire wall, and then deal with the

T ading Spaces is the decorating show back to the safety of the womb," sug- silverfish infq~tion."that has become the latest entertain- gested proofreader Rachel E. Beattie. Pment craze. Armed with $1,000, a designer "And maybe we could do something The Imprinitss, used ;o late nights lay-and a carpenter, two sets of neighbours about this odour," added sports editorJon ing out the paper, worked until 5:30 a.mswap homes and redecorate one room in Willing.


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Campus Clips March 29,2012lones run amok on campus Asked why ACCESS bas proved impossible to replace, a

attempt by several math students to liven up the annual CECS representative said, "We think the problem is someth Semi-Formal went horribly wrong y~st erda y s their sor t of demonic possession. So we're hired the Pope to come

oning experiment ended in Isaster. Math officials had, in and preform an exorcism."ed to clone 1,000 women to back up UY? president For the 15th st ri gh t year, computer engineering studentsey's promise that "every math student w ho comes to offered to construct a new online system for absolutely noth-

terloo will get laid in first year." ing, CECS has yet to respond to the offer. When asked if theLate yesterday evening, an unidentified m3th student spilled offer might finally be actepted, a CECS representative said,s Kool-Aidinto the cloningmixture, causing approximately Well , we'd like to try our luck with the Pope first, maybedozen clones to grow to a height of 10 feet. The math next pear."

tudents, initially excited at h s ew development, were hor- Triple cohort t o arrive next fall

ified when their prospective dates broke up their Dungeons Waterloo wtll receive thliee times as many first-year studentsnd Dragons game and administered wedgies all around. this fall due to Ontario Premier Ryan O'Connor's decision

'Now ID have to brmg my mom to the prom, again," said to compact all of high school into one year.me disappointed student. UW has a well-planned approach to deal

The clones were last seen duct taping sev-eral engineering students to trees beforec\caphg off campus. UW Police have ad-\ ised students to throw rocks at any sus-pcious looking tall women.Degree in burgerology introduce dUW academics broadened again today withthe announcement that a bachelors inburgerology will now be available. Thisnew program will fit nicely into UW's fac-ulty of diminshed expectations and. eal life

slulls, formerly know as Arts. Needes Hallis getting into the act as well, as co-opplacements have been arranged atMcDonald's, Burger King and Fast Eddie's.Nazareth to run againAlbert Nazareth will make h s 12th bid for the Feds presi-dency this year and has promised a campaign of fear, intimi-dation and thuggery Asked about his new approach to cam-paigmng, Nazareth said, "Hey, if I'm going to get fined, Imight as well make it worth it." He added that the electionsprocedure mandates heavy fmes for placing your posters tooclose to that of a another candidate, but "you can have yourgoons hit your rivals over the head with a chair for practically

no hing!"It's ACCESS until 2022

Co-op students will have to make do with Access for an-other decade as the trained monkey that CECS hired to de-sign new co-op software choked on a banana and died. Theproblem is compounded by the fact that nobody either work-ing for the university or going to school here was actuallyalive when ACCESS was programmed. I t turns out that no-body actually knows how or why ACCESS works. "It's oneof those questions you just don't ask," said a CECS employee.

with this impending space crisis. Tent cit-ies will be established around all major aca-demic bduldings, new slums will be builton the playing fields, and homeless stu-dents W111 be encouraged to squat in theRIM buildings. U W president Farleysounded upbeat, saymg, "Similar measureshave effectively dealt with space crises inAfghanistan, Bosnia and Rwanda."

There was less support for Farley's "UW

Future Housing Plan," when it was re-

vealed that his entire presentation con-sisted of nothing but old reruns of theJetsons.

Killer bees now o n cambu sAfter years of patient waiting, U W students can now meetand greet the latest addition to our campus' bi~diver sity, &rbees. Global warming has allowed the yellow and black crittersto take up residence along Laurel creek. Swarms of thou-sands of bees are known to be drawn to strong body odourand their stings are quite fatal. President Farley dismissed thethreat to student safety, saying, "Oh well, stinky mathies getlulled by killer bees all the time." .

Ne w rules for frosh hour

Catherine Scott has introduced sweeping new regulations forUW S frosh hour after last fall's messy incident in which afirst-year student drank his milkshake too fast and got an icecream headache. Frosh hour 2012 will feature a completeban on sugar and running with scissors. Bedtime has beenmoved up to 8 p.m.

Luckily, Sharon, Lois and Brahrn have been signed to re-prise last year's wonderful concert. Scott's elite PAC0 SS w dbe on hand t o ensure that absolutely nobod; has any funwhatsoever. m

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Art found on campus

T e UW fine arts department has al-ways had a stunning reputation forthought-provokmg art, but they have truly&done themselves this time. One stands

in ma rd me nt at the sheer audacity of thisnew exhibit. UW fine arts is truly reach-ing out to the people, and instead of hold-ing a show at the traditional hbme of EastCampus Hall, they have sprinkled instal-lations hither and thither around campusfor those who are too ignorant or lazy tostumble to the art gallery. One has to ap-preciate this attempt to include theplebnns In great art.

It is rare that one can connect with arton such a visceral and intellectual level.But connect tndeed one does! The cen-trepiece of the exhibit is a stunning in-stallation with the emgrnauc title, "Vomitin Back Stairs of SLC." This piece im-proves on work by abstract artists of the1970s, Pollock in particular. The arrange-ment of the chunks of matter is orches-trated with excellent precision. It almostbrmgs tears to one's eyes and the scent ofenvy to one's nose.

"Brubaker Special" is another piece ofpure art genius. It craftily mixes mediumssuch as pasta and ground beef. This workis almost impressionist ic n its harsh lines.Da Vinci would have been proud. Ele-

ments blur together in a thrilling souffli.,quite literally.

"Crushed Coke Can" is a powerful takeon the sterility of post-modern existence.There is a definite Warhol influence in thispiece, whc h also reminds one of the ten-tative nature of life. Though powerful, theins tal la~ on as a vulnerability - ts 16*utes of fame could quickly draw to aclose. I think we can al l identify with theemptiness invoked by tlus powerful piece.Because really, aren't we all just unwantedpop cans left out to be stepped on by theharsh realities of the world?

Several other works, including "MeltingSlush," "Nike Fooqnint," "Torn Poster"and "Abandoned Cigarette," challenge

conceptions of beauty and meaning inalmost Lichenstienian ways. These piecesdeconstruct modern tropes of meaning,while presenting them in a completelyrealisuc context. One is drawn to theirinnocence, wanting to protect them likea small bird.

This exh~bit will leave one pensive butnot sad, anxious but not afraid and alonebut not unloved. Once agam LW fine artshas mounted a thrilling showcase of ex-citmg works by UW student artists. Theuse of campus space is a feat of artisticgenius that Albert Eins tan hunself wouldbe proud of. These artists are defmtelyones to watch in the future.

Retchel I. Beatnik

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o Smaller Laurier students change the rulessons, the Hawks have only won fivegames, and then only by forfeit.

The OU A decision evens the field, ac-cording to Laurier centre Predrag Veira,who towers above his tern-mates, meas-uring an even 4'. "For years Laurier ath-letes have been jeered on and off thecourt. We have beeh playing at a signifi-cant disadvantage and the other teamshave simpjy stepped over us on thek pathto vicroiy."

Waterloo men's head coach Tom Nickelwas disappointed by the decision: 'All thismeans is that our players are going t~ h a v eto watch where they step to avoid crush-ing members of the opposing team. WhyLaurier has to whine to the OUA, I don'tknow. Does this mean that we can nowcomplain because all of their urinals aretoo low in the change rooms?"

'Whether they have more players or not,the fact remains that the Laurier Hawkscan't play basketball," said Warrior centreJoshua Munkley. "Why? Because Wilfmen can't jump. Instead of being able towatch five players stumble and scrambleall over the court, we will now be treatedto twice the fun."

Knee! Moogalagook

ce How things work : Really small Laurier studentseneticists and anthropologists havedescended upon Wilfrid Laurier

University to study a remarkable evolu-tionary anomidly. Preliminary statisticsshow that Laurier students are head andshoulders below the rest: students losebetween one and two feet in height overtheir first two terms at Laurier, before sta-bilizing at an average height of 3'5".

Miqtinthad a chance to discuss the situ-atiofi with anthropologist Mervin St.John-Smythe of the Harvard MedicalSchool. "There are historical examples

where a species adapts to its surround-ings over thousands of years. The UngaPu people of the African equatorial for-est are a prime example. They haveevolved into' a sub-species of h m a n thathas an average height of 4'. This heightallows them to qavel through th~~densejungle withd;ut having to duck under fallentree trunks. /

"The situation with the Laurier students

is the saine, but the change has been muchmore rapid. Normally, height diminishesin subsequent 'generations before stabi-lizing to beneficial height. With theLaurier students, the height loss occurswithin one individual. We can only con-clude that the Laurier environment has adetrimental effect on the physiologicalstate of the human body."

These evolutionary changes ave been+,accelerated by "the Laurier diet. ' On its

own, Laurier cafeteria food has a dem-mental effect on the human body. Com-

bined with the Turret house beer, the ef-fects can be quite damaging. ,

When test subjects were faced with thisnoxious combination, the digestive sys-tem refused to break down the food andflushed it out as quickly as possible. Asan alternative, the digestive system turnedto the test subject's own body mass forfavourable digestible material resulting ina loss of bone, muscle and tissue.

This process is fascinating, according toSt. John Smythe: "Rather th& simply con-sume the body from the inside out, aLaurier student's body has developed theability to selectively digest the body. Eachbody part is thus sduced by approxi- .mately 25 to 50 per cent of its size. It ap-pears to be a survival tactic to try andoutlive the Laurier experience."

Long-accustomed to swooping in onattention-starved UW women, maleLaurier students have now foundup self-respecting women more d~fficul t

with their eyes sitting permanently atbreast level.

After graduation, Laurier students even-tually regain their size and are able to in-teract with normal society, The psycho-logical effects of being subjected to theLaurier atmosphere, which are the sub-ject of a follow-up study, appear to belonger lasting.

Kneel Moogalagook

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upcoming book: "Sir, you'll haveput your pants back on if jrdu want luncby Crass E.T.

dential canhdate. Luckilly enough, my last them to come

political arts.

All that aside, here5 how I took my man Day 6: Bitten by s se tetanus shots.towards the top in 2002.

Day15:Election results mght. T h s s tak-Day 1: Campaign launch at the Network! Day 7: I h k he mg too long and I'm really dying for a

I made sure to hire their top tgent, the Tibor complained drink. What do you mean the voting waso d n e ? Nobody told me that. Things

Rob Robson's.

Network promotion, so I mported cheap quired a tetanus shot. a toilet and my pants had gone mssmg.Mexican migrant farm workers to help Rob Robson threatened to bite me, butwith the campaign. I've got them putting Day 9: Slomka Man B. It's crunch ume he smiled when he said it. So what if weup posters, cra&ng out buttons, push- here, We're lunng her to a bridal show, ddn't win this time around, Nazareth hasing people around, the usual. Plus they're then we're gonna stuff her in a burlap sack already slgned up my man to be on hisfarming my backyard for me. I'm paying for a few weeks. Tlbor is gomg to put on team next time around. Strangely enoughthem with monopoly money. They'll never a wig and impersonate her for the remam- he didn't aak if I was available.know the difference. der of the carnpagn.

Day 17: Someone left a s ~ r e l n my bed.Day I; Immigrauon Canada called, who Day 10: Brenda Slomka bit me. Reqm-ed Required a t e t a n u oknew there were laws about this sort of two tetanus shots.,thing? didn't see anythmg about it in the

2 S T d 2I The author zs curt-e tb re nng in hospia l

Feds election bylaws. I get to keep the Day 11: My b ~ g ay m court, hopefully Heplans t o begtn a book tour soon, lookfor htsMexicans for now, but my trial starts next they ceunt my work on the election as earlier works "Bztch,z t ain 'tgonna stlck itseg "week. commu~llty ervice. T~ bo r nd Carlos have and %Glass ceihng, asass ceiling."

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melissa basinger

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