mental & emotional tool kit for life
DESCRIPTION
Mental & Emotional Tool Kit for Life. Ray Mathis www. itsjustanevent .com. YouTube Channel: itsjustanevent Mental and Emotional Fitness Parts 1-13. “Any job is easy if you use the right tool”. Tool #1 To recognize and appreciate the important role Emotion plays in everyday life. - PowerPoint PPT PresentationTRANSCRIPT
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Mental & Emotional Tool Kit
for Life
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Ray Mathis
www.itsjustanevent.com
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YouTube
Channel: itsjustanevent
Mental and EmotionalFitness Parts 1-13
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“Any job is easyif you use the right tool”
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Tool #1
To recognize and appreciatethe important role
Emotionplays in everyday life
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E – Motion
can be helpful
Energy to Move
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Dysfunctional Amount of Emotion
• More than is necessary or helpful
• More than we’d like to have
• More than we know what to do with
• More than is healthy for us
• A type and amount that works against us instead of for us
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Makes us REACT to lifeinstead of
RESPOND to it
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It makes us less
Response-ABLE
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Response-Ability
Ability to respond to lifeinstead of react to it
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It can makeotherwise smart people
do stupid things
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Behavior
starts and continues becauseit serves a purpose
It’s alwaysgoal-orientated
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Mistaken Goals
• Get us off course
• Get some immediate satisfaction
• Less likely to get what we really want in the long run
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Tool #8
To recognize when you and others have
Mistaken Goals
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Mistaken Goals
• Attention (love, acceptance, approval, respect)
• Power (control)
• Revenge
• Avoidance of Failure
• Withdrawal-Avoidance-Relief
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DysfunctionalAmount of Emotion
• Gives purpose to unhealthy, self-defeating behavior
• Driving force behind behavior intended to satisfy mistaken goals
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The more Emotion someonegenerates
• The more purpose it serves
• The more driven people are
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My Goal Today
Teach you how to havetruly effective
Emotional Management
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Tool #2
UnconditionalSelf-Acceptance
(USA)
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SHAME
When you believe youaren’t living up to your own
or someone else’s
Expectations
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There are alwaysplenty of Expectations from
• Parents
• Teachers
• Coaches
• Friends
• Religion
• Society
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Plenty Plenty of = of Expectations Opportunities
for young people to feel SHAME
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Too many young people are even told
“You should be ASHAMED of yourself”
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Please don’t ever say thatto YOUR kids
Teachers never should
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Primary Disturbance
SHAME can be the primary feeling people seek relief from by
• Alcohol abuse
• Drug abuse
• Suicide
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SHAME
is often the reason studentsshut down in school
and eventually drop out
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Secondary DisturbanceSHAME is also makes people
• Keep what they think and feel a secret
• Less likely to ask for or accept help that’s available
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Lots of bad things happenbecause
people keep secrets
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How keeping secrets hurts
• Irrational thoughts get rehearsed
• “Like a broken record”
• Thoughts go unchallenged
• Develop cognitive “RUTS”
• Becomes automatic to think that
• OPINIONS start to feel like FACTS
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Suicide
#3 cause of death for teens
Is that decision usually based onFACTS or OPINIONS
about themselves and their life?
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“My life sucks”“I can’t take any more of this”“It’s never going to get any better”“They’re never going to stop”“I’m never going to feel better”
Facts or Opinions?
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“Shame blocks change”
Dr. Albert Ellis
It keeps people from makingchanges they could
and might need to make
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SHAME can lead to
• Anxiety
• Anger
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ANGER gives people a false sense of
• Power
• Righteousness
• Permission
• Protection
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Turtlesor
Rattlesnakes
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Low Self Esteem
SHAME + ANXIETY about about the past the future
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Part of the solutionis
U.S.A.
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Anything youthink, feel, say or do
is perfectly
UNDERSTANDABLE
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That does NOT mean it’s
• Helpful (rational)
• Healthy
• Acceptable to others
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Put other people through exactly what you’ve
been through
And they’d probably end upthinking, feeling and doing
what you do
(And maybe even worse)
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We all do the BEST we can at the time
Given what we’vebeen through
And the situations wefind ourselves in
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Regardless of what youthink, feel, say or do
• You’ll never be the first • You’re never going to be the
last• You’ll always have a lot of
company• It’s part of being human
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No one’s perfect
Everyone makes mistakes
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We’re all FHB’s
Fallible Human Beings
Dr. Albert Ellis
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Who at timesthink, feel, say and do things
that make our livesworse instead of better
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It’s nothing to be ashamed of
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UnconditionalOther Acceptance
(UOA)
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Benefits to you
• Can still dislike what others say and do
• Less likely to take what others say and do personally
• Generate a lot less emotion
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Tool #3
To develop an
Internal Locus of Control
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Locus of Control
Where you see your feelings coming from
What you see as the cause of them
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Externalor
Internal
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Understandable
Part of being human
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The Problem
You make how you feel depend on events, other people
that you can’t and don’tCONTROL
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The end result
• You feel worse than you need to, for longer than necessary
• You miss many opportunities to feel better
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The real formula forfeelings
Event + Thoughts = Feeling
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Thoughts cause feelings,not events
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a + b = c constant variable
5 + 6 = 11 5 + 9 = 14 5 + 3 = 8
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Feeling Event + Thoughts = Feeling (constant) (variable) Feeling
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Dr. Albert Ellis ABC Theory of Emotions A = Activating Event (Adversity)B = BeliefsC = Consequences (Feel, Do)
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Event + Thoughts = Feeling > Do
a + b = c
Activating + Beliefs = Consequence Event (feel, do)
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Anxiety is a figment of
IMAGINATION
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• It’s about things that haven’t happened yet
• Things that could, but often never do
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Anxiety DISORDER
Spend too much time in theirIMAGINATION
instead of dealing with theHere and Now
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To combat anxiety
Staying in the NOW
Step 1: “That might happen, but it hasn’t happen yet”
Step 2: “And if it does, I’ll deal with it”
“Like I have before”
“Like other people do”
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Cognitive Choices• How we LOOK AT things• What MEANING we attach• What we REMEMBER about the past• What we IMAGINE will happen next• What we FOCUS on• What we COMPARE things to• What we EXPECT (self, others, life)• How much IMPORTANCE we attach• What we spend our time THINKING about
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Event + Thoughts = Feeling
Choices
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Power Choices = and
Control over your
Emotional Destiny
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“You make me mad”
is like saying
YOU get to decide how I’m going to feel
instead of ME
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External Locus
• You give away the power and control you DO have
• You give others power and control they DON’T really have
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People are always misspeaking
about the way their feelings come about
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If we keep misspeaking
• Keep feeling worse than we need to
• Miss opportunities to feel better
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Semantic
Precision and
Correctness
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People don’t make us mad
We make ourselves mad
Anger comes from inside usnot outside
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School, a job, and other people don’t stress us out
We stress ourselves out by the way we choose to look at things
Stress comes from inside usnot outside us
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People can’t and don’tput pressure on us
We put pressure on ourselves
Pressure comes from inside usnot outside us
Including Peer Pressure
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No one can hurt ourfeelings
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Sometimes
Because of what we THINK
About someoneand what they say and do to us
We make ourselves feel hurt
Hurt comes from inside usnot outside us
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People can’t and don’tmake us happy
We can’t and don’tmake them happy
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“A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be”
Abraham Lincoln
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Feelings, Stress, Pressurecome from inside us
Not outside us
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Event + Thoughts = Feeling
Everything otherssay and do
and that happens is just an
EVENT
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That is NOT intended to be
DISCOUNTING
of a tragic event in your life
There’s a SCIENCE to thisbut also an ART to it
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It’s OUR choice….• How we look at things• What meaning we attach• What we remember about the past• What we imagine will happen next• What we expect (ourselves, others, life)• What we focus on• What we compare things to• How much importance we attach• What we spend our time thinking about
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And given that
Thoughts cause feelings, not events
Event + Thoughts = Feeling
Choices
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Then logically,
It’s OUR choicehow we want to feel
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Furthermore
• No one upsets us, we upset ourselves
• We’re responsible for how we feel, not others
• It’s not their problem if we feel bad, it’s ours
• It’s not their job to make us feel better, it’s ours
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It does NOT mean…
• You shouldn’t feel the way you do
• It’s your fault you feel that way
• There’s something wrong with you for feeling that way
• It’s okay others said or did what they did
• You’re making a big deal out of nothing
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It simply meansthere will always be more than
one wayto look at anything
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Whatever way we pick will always be perfectly
understandable
Given our life experiences
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But some ways will makeus feel BETTER
And others will make usfeel WORSE
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Some will make it EASIERto deal with things
Others will make it HARDER
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And
We always have aCHOICE
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And
The way we choose tolook at things
will never change what happened
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Tool #9
Evaluating your thoughts, feelings, actions
with regardto your life goals
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Question 1
What do you really want?
How do you want to feel?
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Question 2
How’s it working for you?
To think, feel, say and dowhat you do now?
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Question 3
If you keep thinking, feeling, saying and
doing what you do nowWill it be easier or harder in
the future?
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Question 4
If someone else thinks, feels, says or does that
Are you likely to get what you want from them, with them?
To feel the way you want to?
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Me: “How am I suppose to look at things?”Jerry: “Right now you’re looking at having those kids in your class as being a problem.
Why not look at it as a challenge,
or opportunity to prove you’re as good a teacher as you and I both think you are?”
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When something happens, and you don’t like it, which is it?
Problem?or
Challenge?or
Opportunity?
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My MINDSET
It’s not a PROBLEM
It’s just an EVENT
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As a Teacher
It’s what I get paid to deal with
And I’m supposed toknow how to deal with kids
better than others
I take pride in being able to
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With everyday life
• It’s just something I have to deal with
• Like I have many times before
• Like I probably will again in the future
• Like other people have, and do every day
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Take pride in doing so
• Better than others around you
• Better than you did before
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But remember thatif you struggle
That’s part of being human
And nothing to be ashamed of
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Self-Esteem
People can’t and don’tmake us feel bad about ourselves
They can’t and don’tmake us feel better either
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Child versions of self-defense
“I know you are but what am I?”
“I’m rubber, you’re glue. What you say bounces off me and stick to you”
“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me”
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“I know you are but what am I” >>>>> Protected
“How dare you Lose say that?” >>>>>>>> Protection
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Adult version
“You can think or say whatever you want about me
BUTIt’s my choice how I look at myself
AND It’s my choice how I want to feel
about myself”
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“And you don’t get to makethose choices for me
Unless I let you
And I choose NOT to”
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“Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms.
To choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.
To choose one’s own way.”
Dr. Victor FranklHolocaust Survivor
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Your last freedomis your
Attitude
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No one can get inside your headunless you let them
You don’t want to let peoplelive there rent free
It takes practice to get goodat keeping them out
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Beauty is in theEye of the Beholder
So is feeling
GOOD or BAD
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“Life is Mind-Made”
Dr. Chris Eisenbarth
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Internal Locus of Control
• Recognize what you do and don’t control
• Focus on and work with what you do
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The truth is….
• We can’t control what OTHERS think, feel, say and do
• We only control what WE think, feel, say and do
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Internal Locus of Control
Avoid taking unnecessaryresponsibility for
how others make themselvesfeel
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You’re responsible forwhat you say and do
But not for how othersmake themselves feel about it
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It’s THEIR choice….
• How THEY look at things
• What meaning THEY attach
• What THEY remember about the past
• What THEY imagine will happen next
• What THEY expect (self, others, life)
• What THEY focus on
• What THEY compare things to
• How much importance THEY attach
• What they spend their time thinking about
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It’s THEIR choicehow THEY want to feel
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Tool #4
Recognize Irrational Thinking
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Why it’s important
• Thoughts cause feelings, not events
• Attitude is always the father of behavior
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Irrational means
• Makes you feel worse than necessary or helpful
• Causes you to do things that make your life worse
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Dr. Albert Ellis Irrational Thinking
• Demandiness
• Awfulizing
• Can’t Stand It-itis
• Label and Damning
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Demandiness
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We need air water and food
We have to have them
They are necessities to life
We’ll die in minutes, days, or weeks
if we don’t get them
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Do we needLOVE
the same way we needair, water and food?
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How about theacceptance, approval, respect
of others?
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Rule #1
You have the right to want whatever you want
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Mistakes people make
• Start to think they NEED things they simply want
• Start to treat simple preferences as NECESSITIES
• Start to DEMAND what they simply desire
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Perceived Need
• We think we need something
• And it’s nice to have
• But we’re NOT going to die if we don’t get it
• We CAN live without it
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Understandable
Part of being human
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We have to be judiciousabout the way we use words like
• Need• Have to• Can’t• Should• Shouldn’t
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Rule #2
The bigger the difference between your expectations and
reality the more emotion you’ll
generate needlessly
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You can make The feeling Pronouns
Demands of end up with that are used
Others Anger You, They He, She
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anxiety Self Shame, Guilt I
Loneliness ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Depression Life Boredom This, It
Anxiety
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Brainstorming Demands He, She This They, You I It How dare… + How could… + + + Can’t + + + Shouldn’t + + + Need (to) + + + Have to + + + Should + + +
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The Essence of Anger
They HAVE TO (should, must) do what I want!
They HAVE TO (should, must)be the way
I want them to be!
How old does that sound?
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That’s why Dr. Ellisused to say
Anger is a Temper Tantrum
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Demands of Yourself
Before Event After Event
Anxiety Shame, Guilt
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Anxiety-producing thoughts about parents
I have to (need to, must) make them happy I can’t disappoint them
I have to (need to) make them proud of me I can’t let them down
I have to (need to, must) please them I can’t upset them like I did in the past
I have to (need to, must) do what they want
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The essence of Anxiety
I HAVE TO be perfect and do everything perfectly
all the time (self)
Everything HAS TO go exactly as I planned or
want it to (life)
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Remember
Demands of Yourself
Before Event After Event
Anxiety Shame, Guilt
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SHOULD
Others Yourself Life
Anger Shame Depression Guilt Boredom Loneliness
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SHAME, Guilt thoughts
I should have done better I shouldn’t have gotten so many wrongI should be doing more with my lifeI should be doing better in school I shouldn’t being getting bad grades I should know how to do that by nowI should be able to do what others can I shouldn’t have done that I should know better
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As a general rule
It’s not good toSHOULD
on yourself or others
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The Essence of Depression
My life SHOULDN’T (can’t) be the way it is
This SHOULDN’T (can’t) be happening to me
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Depressive thoughts
It (life) shouldn’t be so hardI shouldn’t have to deal with thisIt (life) should be easier that thisIt’s not fair (and life should be)
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Dr. Albert Ellis
Depressionis a
Quiet Temper Tantrum
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Demands in the form of questions
Anger
How dare they...? = They can’t How could they…? = They shouldn’t
Shame, Guilt
How could I….? = I shouldn’t have
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Remember
Attitude is always the father
of behavior
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Rule #3
When people start to think they need something they simply want, it makes otherwise smart people
do stupid things
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Rule #4
Behavior intended to satisfy a perceived need will win out over
behavior intended to satisfy a rational preference
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Awfulizing
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“You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill”
My grandfather
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Rule #5
You have a right to like or dislike whatever you want to
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If you truly couldn’t stand it
• Die (physically)
• Go crazy (mentally)
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-itis = inflammation
You needlesslyINFLAME
yourself
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Can’t Stand It-itis
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Labeland
Damning
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Label and Damning
• Calling an apple “bad” because it has a bruise
• Calling someone “stupid” because they did a stupid thing
• Condemning the DOER instead of the DEED
• Can Label & Damn others or yourself
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Tool #6
A step-by-step approachto troubling life events
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Dr. Albert Ellis
• A Activating Event 1 or 2• B Beliefs (recognize) 3• C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2• D Dispute (correct) 4• E Effective Coping Statement 5 • F Functional Amt. of Emotion• G Generate Options• H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
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Tool #5
Correcting Irrational Thinking
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Dr. Albert Ellis
• A Activating Event 1 or 2
• B Beliefs (recognize) 3• C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2• D Dispute (correct) 4• E Effective Coping Statement 5 • F Functional Amt. of Emotion• G Generate Options• H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
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Strategy 1
The Scientific Method
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Thoughts Theories and = and Comments Hypotheses
About the way life is or should be
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The Basic Questions
• Does the evidence of everyday life support your theory or hypothesis?
• Or does it refute it?
• Does it suggest a better theory or hypothesis?
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They can’t tell me what to do
VS
They can do whatever they want
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Strategy 2
Fact or Opinion?
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They can’t tell me what to do
VS
They can do whatever they want
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Strategy 3
Demands in the form of questions
How dare they...? EASILY! How could they…? EASILY! How could I….? EASILY!
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How dare they talk to me like that?
How could they not get this?
How could I have made such a mistake?
How could you/I be so stupid?
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Strategy 4
Simple but directQuestions
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Demandiness
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They need to to apologize for that
Why do they need to do that?Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food?They need to, or you just want them to?They need to, or you’d just like them to?
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If you start your answer with“Because….”
Then anything that followsis the wrong answer
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What are the right answers?
Why do they need to do that?Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food?They need to, or you just want them to?They need to, or you’d just like them to?
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They have to apologize for that
Why do they have to?They have to, or you just want them to?They have to, or you’d just like them to?
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They can’t say things like that
Why can’t they?They can’t, or you just don’t want them to?They can’t, or you just don’t like when they do?
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I have to get an A
Why do you have to?You have to, or just want to?You have to, or would just like to?
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I can’t get a B or a C in this class
Why can’t you?You can’t, or just don’t want to?You can’t, or just wouldn’t like to?
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It’s enough to simply reallyWANT to do something
HAVE TO often ends up beingtoo much of a good thing
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Strategy 5
UseI-Messages
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Tool #7
Use I Messagesto assert yourself
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OldThey need to apologize for that
New
I want them to apologize for thatI’d like them to apologize
(BUT, no one has to do anything)
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Old
I have to get an A
New
I really want to get an AI’d really like to get an A
(But I don’t have to)
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Old
They can’t say things like that
New
I don’t want people saying thatI don’t like when people say that
(BUT people can say and do whatever
they want to)
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Old
I can’t get a B or a C in that class
New
I really don’t want to get a B or CI really don’t like getting B’s or C’s
(BUT it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did)
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Put your behavior where you want your attitude to be
Practice talking the wayyou want to think
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Awfulizing
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It’s really awful that they said that
Why is it so awful?
Is it awful, or just unpleasant?Is it awful, or just inconvenient? Is it awful, or just uncomfortable?
Is it awful like having cancer?
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Can’t Stand It-itis
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I can’t stand when people do things like that
Why can’t you stand it?Are you going to die or go crazy?You can’t stand it, or just don’t like it?
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Labeland
Damning
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They’re jerks for saying things like that about me
Why are they jerks just because of that?They’re jerks, or just did a jerky thing?They’re jerks, or just did something you didn’t like?They’re jerks, or just FHBs like the rest of us?
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Dr. Albert Ellis
• A Activating Event 1 or 2• B Beliefs (recognize) 3• C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2• D Dispute (correct) 4• E Effective Coping Statement 5 • F Functional Amt. of Emotion• G Generate Options• H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
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Effective Coping Statements
It’s not the end of the world It’s not that big a deal It’s over and done with They can say whatever they want to People can believe whatever they want The only person I control is me I’ve survived worse It’s my choice how I want to feel
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Tool #10
Understand why change is hardand what it takes
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Cognitive, Emotional& Behavioral
RUTS
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It becomesAUTOMATIC
to think, feel, say or dosomething
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RUTS
Why people recreate their past
It’s why peoples’ history becomes their destiny
That could be a good thingor a bad thing
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Very Important
Once RUTS get createdyou can’t get rid of them
You can only make NEW ONES
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To change we need to
• Make a new connection or pathway– To think, feel, say and do things
differently
• Use it untils it becomes a RUT – And can compete with your old
ones
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You can alwaysslip back into your old
RUTS
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Understandable
Part of being human
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“The problems of manare man-made.
They can be solved by man”
John F. Kennedy
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Active Parenting
Event > Think > Feel > Do
> “Problem”
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“You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that
created it”
Albert Einstein
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www.itsjustanevent.com
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You Tube
Channel: itsjustanevent
Mental and EmotionalFitness
Parts #1-13
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