Talking to Children About Traumatic Events

By Midgie Standridge

None of us think much of walking through metal detectors anymore; only a few pause to wonder when a police siren blares loudly nearby, forgetting about it almost right away.

We've all adjusted our lives to integrate excessive caution, almost to the point of habit, without so much as a second thought about it.

The injustice, dangers and elements of unpredictability of the World that threaten to disrupt our lives at any moment seem to be anticipated, even expected, with precautionary measures that may once have lingered on the borders of paranoia.

Yet, history stands testimonial to the fact that something horrible almost always happens to every generation, including ours, regardless of erring on the side of caution.

Planes go missing, tsunamis swallow thousands of homes, bombs get dropped on densely-populated areas regularly and children get shot at schools.

Families are torn apart by the hundreds in horrendous mass destruction by nature or man or sometimes a grocery-store robbery, a misfire, an accident leave behind bereft families whose loss, though less publicized, is my no means any less.

It is hard to not prepare for a life with potential traumatic misfortunes, even harder to live with these happenstances.

Perhaps one of the most daunting aspects of dealing with trauma is sharing it, especially with those whose lives are directly affected by the events.

Telling children about loss of family or explaining the circumstances of a crime that directly affects their lives or even preparing them beforehand for the loss of a loved one is a task we would all like to avoid very much.

However, raising a generation in these times of seemingly progressive chaos means we must all face the heartbreaking conversation of opening their eyes to the realities of the world, ironically, in order to protect them.

Children tend to be more receptive towards the tone of the conversation rather than the content and usually only focus on a small amount of information at a time.

It is, therefore, important to focus on conveying the information as calmly as possible.

If the adult is overwhelmed by emotion during the conversation, the child's memory is likely to be overpowered by the emotions expressed by the adult, rather than the information provided.

A good approach is usually to ask the child first what they understand about the situation.

Children tend to pick up a lot from peers, surroundings and sheer observation and it might be easier to fill them in on the things they do not understand and correct things they misunderstand rather than explain from scratch and risk overloading them with information.

You’re taking a step to educate your child about the inevitability of loss and destruction and introducing them to the idea that being good is not always rewarded fairly

This does not necessarily mean this conversation has to end with them feeling wiser, yet desolate about the thought of mankind in general.

The story of a traumatic event can be explained with a moral lesson behind it and examples of people who are working to serve justice, help those affected by the event, or simply expressing solidarity, to show the child that not everything is lost.

This can be further fortified by engaging the child in volunteer activities relevant to the cause so that they are in direct exposure to people who may have experienced similar trauma.

The involvement not only helps a child’s understanding of the matter, but also has an impact on their attitude about the issue and such children tend to have a healthier coping mechanism.

Allow your child to ask questions.

They are sure to have plenty and even if it is difficult, try to answer them to the best of your judgement and inquire how your child feels about all the new information.

Each child has an unique temperament and their reactions are largely dependent on this and how to choose to move forward with the information, keeping their temperament in mind.

It may seem convenient to allow a child to grow up simply accepting metal detectors and security cameras as a part of their environment.

But we’re likely to contribute more to the safety of their future and of their present by ensuring they fully understand what necessitates such measures so that they too may learn to exercise caution.