misprints, volume xxv, number xxxiv, may 2014

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misprints VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV Like, it’ll probably be about the same - Vendela - OH NO! NOT ANOTHER.... MAY 2014 25TH ANNIVERSARY FEATURE ARTICLE: WHO REALLY WRITES MISPRINTS? THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE PROVISIONAL MARKETING RESEARCH SOCIETY MISPRINTS CONTAINS 100% RECYCLED EDITORIAL MATERIAL READING THIS ISSUE WILL EARN YOU 417 CMRP/MCP POINTS

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MISPRINTS, VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV, MAY 2014 - 25th Anniversary of the launch, on May 15, 1989, of what has been described as "the most influential newsletter in the history of Marketing Research"

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Page 1: MISPRINTS, VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV, MAY 2014

misprintsVO LUME X X V, N UMBER X X X I V

Like, it’ll probably be about the same- Vendela -

OH NO! NOT ANOTHER....

MAY 2014 25TH ANNIVERSARY

FEATURE ARTICLE:

WHO REALLY WRITES MISPRINTS?

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE PROVISIONAL MARKETING RESEARCH SOCIETYMISPRINTS CONTAINS 100% RECYCLED EDITORIAL MATERIAL

READING THIS ISSUE WILL EARN YOU 417 CMRP/MCP POINTS

Page 2: MISPRINTS, VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV, MAY 2014

2 • M I S P R I N T S • M a y 2 0 1 4 v i s i t u s a t : w w w . m i s p r i n t s . c a

The Front Cover 1

Forward and Back 2

Award Winning Letters 3

Non - Winning Letters 4

Hall of Fame Gala 6

MISPRINTS Parties 8

Rich And / Or Famous 9

Who Writes This Stuff? 10

Foreign Affairs 11

Book Reviews 12

Etcetera 14

The Final Word 16

misprintsVOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV

M AY 2 0 1 4

highl ights

Yes Virginia it’s true. There really IS another issue of MISPRINTS!

And it really IS the 25th Anniversary of the launch, on May 15, 1989,of what has been described as “the most influential newsletter in thehistory of Marketing Research”*

It’s great to be back, after a short hiatus due to the well - publicizedlegal challenges that we were facing.

Some treats to look forward to in this Silver Anniversary Edition.....

* The very first online - only edition of MISPRINTS!* Awards for the three best letters we've received from readers in thepast 25 years. (See the facing page. )

* An exciting new policy on Book Reviews. * A Feature Article that will certainly create a major controversy, “Who REALLY Writes MISPRINTS?”

* A ground-breaking decision on our new Anti - Spam policy.* New MISPRINTS Hall of Fame members honoured at a GalaBanquet

After 25 years, we are closer than everto realizing the Dream that we had when we created the Provisionals :not just a Distinct Society, but UN PAYS !

The One-And-Only Editor

* From my review “The Story of MISPRINTS” in the Retrospective Issue,December 2002.

LOOKING FORWARD, LOOKING BACK

“The fate of all artists......To have people say they preferredthe early work.”

Tom Stoppard The Real Thing

SEMPER UBI, SUB UBI

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The (Other ) Qual Col

M a y 2 0 1 4 • M I S P R I N T S • 3v i s i t u s a t : w w w . m i s p r i n t s . c a

AWARD WINNING LETTERS

Reader feedback has always been a criticallyimportant element of your monthly newsletter.We asked our Editorial Review Board to select the three best letters we had receivedfrom readers over the past 25 years.

Here are their choices. (And note that in each case authorship has been authenticated!)

THE BRONZE MEDAL

To Bob Cody, writing as The Duke of Markhamin MISPRINTS # 31, December 2005.

It’s quite interesting to contemplate the evolutionof the newsletter from a cheaply – producedpiece of crap to a more expensively – producedpiece of crap. Cancel my subscription!

THE SILVER MEDAL

To Jane Hall (the Founder and Creator ofIMPRINTS), writing as The Wicked Witch ofthe West in MISPRINTS # 11, Spring 1992.

Please continue sending MISPRINTS each month.It's fascinating to watch you trying to work out allyour unresolved teenage conflicts in print.

THE GOLD MEDAL

To Trevor Collier, writing as Forever Trevor in MISPRINTS # 16, Summer 1993.

Ever consider putting all that creative energy into something worthwhile?

Page 4: MISPRINTS, VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV, MAY 2014

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When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITORNON - WINNING LETTERS

To the Board of DirectorsCongratulations on yet another 25th Anniversary!

We’ve run into a few snags moving forward with development ofMISPRINTS: THE MOVIE.

But this is a Film that simply has to be made.

Responsible Art deserves to be protected with all our powersfrom those who would borrow it's mantle to protect and enno-ble displays of unredeemed depravity and violence.

The Banter Brothers

Thanks so much Danny! Keep us posted.

Actually......When I re-read your closing sentence, the words soundstrangely familiar?

Why might that be?

Au Contraire!For me, MISPRINTS has always been an entirely spurious work,the product of a mind/sensibility that will probably now - thanksto the premature adulation - never transcend its adolescentmaturity, seeking at all points to involve the audience in its com-placent sense of its own cleverness, it's own emptiness and cyni-cism.

The Late Paul Burak

Say, what’s going on here?

I’ve read those words somewhere else as well??

To the MISPRINTS Staff

When I enquired about the non-appearance of MISPRINTS, Iwas first told that you were “traveling”!? I found this kind of hardto believe, as I’m pretty sure you’ve never set foot outside theGTA. A World Traveler you're not!

So what’s the real story?

Frank The Crank

The writer regards himself as an expert on things International, butbear in mind that this is a man who still believes that the Capitalof Cambodia is a City called Sean Penn.

And as a matter of fact, I did have a great trip last year, visitingNorway, Mexico, China, Germany, Morocco and a few otherCountries I can’t remember.

That EPCOT is just an amazing place!

A note to our ReadersThe following represent a small sampling from the hundreds ofletters that have come in over the past five years. Has it reallybeen that long?

To The Absentee Editor

You asked me for my impressions of the Conference in Saska-toon.

I went. Not a bad conference. The setting was nice.

Chuckchuck RapaniFormer PhD

That’s exactly the same Review that you've given to the last five Con-ferences!?

In fact, isn’t that actually what Churchill said about The PotsdamConference in ‘45?

I’ve just received a spiffy lapel pin from the MRIA.

Any plans to issue one for The Provos?

The Gaddfly

We’re going them one better!

All Provisional Members will soon be receiving a beautiful imitation gold - plated nipple ring, which will enable you to showwhere your true loyalties lie!

This will also allow everyone to quickly and easily identify FellowProvo Members.

Wear them with Pride!I’ve just put mine on now. Only stings for a minute. Minimalbleeding.

To All Misprints SubscribersA headline from a recent article in The Globe And Mail.....Auction of 3,000 Misprints expected to reach $4M U.S.

I’ve saved 100 mint copies of each of the first 30 issues. Hopemany of you took my advice and did the same!

Less Jones, Pres-for-Life

Wonder if that Auction’s taken place yet? I’ve kept all my MISPRINTS and all my old Archie comic books. Now’s the timeto cash in on both!

To the Provisional Treasurer

Page 5: MISPRINTS, VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV, MAY 2014

To My Fellow ProvisionalsWhere on Earth is Dan QuelCoon? No one seems to haveseen him for years!?

What’s happened to the MISPRINTS Movie?

Even your picture of him on Page 7 seems odd. He looks.....different, somehow?

Has he been ill?

Do you think that if a bunch of his friends got together to singa few choruses of “Danny Boy” that might lure him out ofseclusion?

Constance Reider

Not a bad idea. Maybe give it a try!

Danny did show up briefly at the Hall of Fame Gala to accept hisAward, but then again dropped out of sight.

Rumour has it that he’s been staying in his Villa in Qatar, wherehe’s been working on his Movie script for the past seven years.

Incidentally, I believe that the correct name of the familiar Irishmelody that you’re referring to is actually “London Derrière”.

M a y 2 0 1 4 • M I S P R I N T S • 5v i s i t u s a t : w w w . m i s p r i n t s . c a

The (Other ) Qual ColNON - WINNING LETTERS

Welcome Back!Great to have MISPRINTS back again!

I’ve always kept my copies right beside the toilet. How’s thisgoing to work if you’re going online?

Shady Charlie

Hmmm. Good question! Let’s address it with one of ourInstaPolls!

Where do YOU keep your copies of MISPRINTS?

Right beside the toilet ( )

Somewhere else ( ) Specify : ________________

We should have all the responses tabbed by the time you get to theback pages!

To the Provisional MembershipAs most of you are aware, a great many people will soon be losingtheir CMRP designation because of failure to acquire enoughMaintenance of Certification points.

Meanwhile some Researchers (Chuckchuck Rapani, Cam Davis,Annie Pettit, etc.) have accumulated hundreds of points, andwould like to be able to get some return on their investment.

With that in mind, I created a Points Exchange Program, whereexcess points could be sold to people who really need them.

I’ve now learned that the MRIA is determined to stop the popu-lar PEP initiative. They plan to do so by attacking the Buyers,rather than the Sellers.

There would be no penalty for selling Points, but anyone buy-ing them would be in violation of the Code of Conduct, andwould risk expulsion.

In my opinion, this would not stop the exchange of points be-tween consenting Researchers; it would simply push the transac-tions into dangerous back alleys.

Canada should adopt the Open Exchange policies of progressiveCountries such as Italy, where Research points are bought andsold openly in a free market!

Paolo AcerbiTemporary Foreign Worker

We understand that Sellers would also be forbidden to operate withinone kilometer of any School.

An Alternative ProposalPaul's plan (on the right) has some merit, but in my opinionthe great majority of current CMRP’s will still be losing theircredentials in the very near future. This has already happenedto dozens of my friends. In response, I’ve been setting up anumber of exCMRP Support Groups across the Country.Researchers who have lost their letters will benefit fromPsychiatric Counseling and Career Advice. In addition, weencourage our Clients to embrace their new status, wear ourlapel pins, and sign their correspondence as I have done below.

East VirginiaFormer CMRP

A Really Important QuestionI’ve been trying to contact LoveStats for weeks now, but I cannever get a reply.

Can MISPRINTS help?

When my boy friend says he Luvs me, I’m positive he’sspelling it with a “U”, not an “O”.

I can hear it!! And I just feel that may not be as good as theone with the O?

Anne Ominous

Well, we’re going to turn this one over to the LoveStats Queenherself, Dr. A. Pettit.

How often do I have to explain to you people that LoveStatsis NOT an Advice to the Lovelorn site?!? It simply means thatI truly Love Statistics!

(And it also has absolutely nothing to do with the number offoul shots Kevin Love makes for the Timberwolves!)

What you need is my alternate blog, LuvRats.

And you’re absolutely right.

When a guy says “Yeah, Luv ya Babe”, in terms of an emotionalcommitment that's about on a par with “Where’s the Remote?”

Dump the loser immediately!

Dr. Annie

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When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITORTHE HALL OF FAME GALA

6 • M I S P R I N T S • M a y 2 0 1 4

The Provisional Marketing Research Society created our Misprints Hallof Fame in 2004, driven by frustration at our lack of success in having anyMarketing Researchers selected for Canada’s Walk of Fame in DowntownToronto.

A Selection Committee was formed, consisting of the Provo Executive: LesJones, Chris Commins and Meredith Ware. No one could argue with theCommittee’s choices for the initial Honourees: Jones, Commins and Ware.(Never heard any arguments.)

As shown on the left, the names of the Inductees were posted on “ThePoll of Fame” at the busy and appropriately named intersection of ResearchRoad and Leslie.

The site has become one of Leaside’s premier tourist attractions.

Over the past ten years, the Board has often been asked “Say, how could Iget MY name on that telephone post?” (Other than carving it on your-self.)

When the Hall of Fame was first created, The Board set out some stringentcriteria for selection. The Catholic Church’s protocol for assessing candi-dates for Sainthood was the model, and appointment to our Hall of Famerequired proof of three authenticated miracles linked to the nominee’sname.

This requirement turned out to be more challenging than we had antici-pated.

Quite a few Researchers (including several of those pictured on the over-leaf ) were able to cite TWO miracles, but the third proved to be elusive.

Consequently, the Provisional Board met to reconsider the rules for Ad-mittance, and these were modified at a Board Meeting in April.

As of May 2014, our 25th Anniversary, nomination to the Hall of Fame re-quires only:

* Frequent appearance in MISPRINTS, and

* A demonstrated commitment to the financial goals of the Hall of FameProgram.

On that basis, twelve well-known Researchers were Nominated, seven of whom were approved by the Board:

Their portraits are shown on the facing page, along with their MISPRINTS “Plume Names”.

The winners were honoured at a Gala Banquet held May 9th at President Jones’ luxurious Mansion in The Beach. Thenew Legends were given fancy Certificates (definitely suitable for framing) which outlined all of the rights and privi-leges associated with their new status. Congratulations, you lot!

No expense was spared to make the Evening special. Entertainment was provided by the wonderful musicians, TheSultans of String, who charge BIG money for private concerts, believe me.

Nominations for the next round of Hall of Fame candidates are currently being accepted.

Thelma BeamDan Colquhoun

Mike GaddNancy Gulland

Steve LevyVirginia O’ReillyKathleen Vollebregt

Page 7: MISPRINTS, VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV, MAY 2014

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The (Other ) Qual ColTHE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

Nancy G-Spot *

The Gaddfly

Princess MoonbeamEast Virginia

Even Steven

Dr. E. K. Vollebregt

Danny Q

* Nancy on the left, Owner on the right

Page 8: MISPRINTS, VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV, MAY 2014

8 • M I S P R I N T S • M a y 2 0 1 4 v i s i t u s a t : w w w . m i s p r i n t s . c a

When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITORTHE MISPRINTS PARTIES: 2009 - 2013

When MISPRINTS announced that we were suspendingpublication “for a while” due to a series of unjustified law-suits, our Social-Director-For-Life stepped up to the plate.

In order to keep the Provisional Spirit alive, Meredith or-ganized a series of outstanding Parties over the five – yearperiod from 2009 through 2013, each one wilder than thelast.

All of these events had several things in common : very ex-clusive, invitation only, restricted to MISPRINTS Sub-scribers, prestigious locations, announced at the very lastminute.

The inaugural Bash (“The Spring Fling”) was held on Sep-

tember 30, 2009, at the exclusive Balmy Beach Club, a

stone’s throw from the Editor’s home. (“And I’ve proved

it!”)

The venues for subsequent events included The RCYC,

Canoe, The Carlu and The Granite Club.

We’ ll be showing candid photos from each of the five years

over the next several issues of your monthly Newsletter, be-

ginning here with 2009, culminating in the notorious

2013 bacchanal, when 17 arrests were made.

After eight attempts, the MISPRINTS Cheerleaders team managed toline up in the correct order. (“R” comes after “P”!)

The hard-working MISPRINTS support Staff enjoyed a rare night off.

The putative Editor with two of the Newsletter's major financial back-ers. (Now you know why their names appear so often!)

A ceremony honouring the memory of the late Paul Burak was held onthe Wallyball courts.

Page 9: MISPRINTS, VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV, MAY 2014

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The (Other ) Qual ColLIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND / OR FAMOUS: DR. C. RAPANI

From the Toronto Star's Real Estate News section

THE HIGH LIFEChuck Chakrapani* has a stunning condo 43 floors above downtown

Toronto with full hotel services and amenities

BILL TAYLORSPECIAL TO THE STARYou can get used to anything, though somethings are easier than others.

Soldiers in the trenches of World War Igrew accustomed to living like moles.Chuck Chakrapani has grown accustomedto living like Donald Trump.

“I never think about it now,” he says, agalaxy of lights stretched out on three sidesas far as the eye can see and the sounds ofthe city little more than a soporific hum.“It’s my friends who point it out.”

How gauche.

But also, understandable. Chakrapani has astunning condo 43 floors above downtownToronto with full hotel services and apanoramic view to the south, east andwest. That’s just the sort of thing peoplenotice and remak upon.

The Suites at 1 King West are built on andaround the World War 1-era DominionBank Canada – 51 storeys and 572 suites, amix of hotel and residential space that mar-keting director Matta Black says compli-cates the company's tax return - but makesit a more interesting place to live.

An upscale ghetto? Heaven forbid.

The hotel website boasts suite deals withrates starting at $749 a night.

At the other end of the scale, Chakrapani –one of 10 condo owners in the building –reckons he has the high side of $10 millionwrapped up in his home.

There again, he did buy four suites andbring in his own architect and designer -“I put more than $2 million into thatalone” – to create a custom-built pad forhimself, totalling about 4,900 square feet.

“It’s a unique suite," he says. “It’s exactlywhat I wanted and on the highest floor thatwould give me a terrace.”

It has, as a matter of fact, given him fourterraces.

“I always dreamed of living in a hotel. Itwas a fantasy. But not one that I set out tomake come true. It sort of happenedaround me.”

His Suite comes with a fitness centre,sauna, business centre, valet parking, dry-cleaning, a concierge, a martini bar in thelobby and other hotel amenities, includingaround-the-clock room service.

“If I have guests and I don’t have anythingto feed them then I pick up the phone andorder from room service.”

Chakrapani leads a tour of his apartmentin the sky.

The guest bedroom doubles as a fitnessroom. There’s a separate laundry room andfireplaces in the living room and masterbedroom.

And million-dollar views everywhere youlook, including what Black calls “themoney shot: the CN Tower”.

When he reclines in the tub in the bath-room, Chakrapani says he can see “all fivebig bank towers – Scotia, BMO, CIBC,Royal and TD. It’s nice to keep an eye onall my Money!”

There’s an electric blind on the window sothe bankers can’t see him at his ablutions.

But your eye keeps being drawn to thewindows and the rhythmic movement ofthe tiny little people on the streets far be-low.

It’s a dream come true. It’s the movies. It’sDonald Trump.

“Donald came over for Dinner last week "Chuck chuckled. “We were comparing thesize of our Towers.”

As we said Goodnight, Dr. Chakrapani’sstereo was playing one of his favouritesongs, from Camelot: “What do the Sim-ple Folk do, To help them escape whenthey’re blue?”

*(Typical of The Star! They couldn’t evenspell my name correctly!? Plus someone hasaltered every single number in the abovepiece, compared to the original article???Dr. C. Rapani)

NEXT MONTH: We visit Dan QuelCoon’s Villa in Qatar

Page 10: MISPRINTS, VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV, MAY 2014

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When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITORW H O R E A L LY W R I T E S M I S P R I N T S ?

Rumours had been percolatingon the Twitterverse for years,but perhaps the first seriousairing of the controversy over

the authorship of MISPRINTS was theletter from Steve Levy in the December2005 issue, revealing that Dan Brown,author of “The Da Vinci Code”andlong-time Misprints subscriber, wasworking on a book entitled “Who ReallyWrites MISPRINTS?”

The next development in this fascinatingstory was the major Conference spon-sored last October by the Universities ofGuelph and York on the authorship ofShakespeare’s plays.

This inspired the Provisionals to addressour authorship question directly, with afull-day Conference, and I was asked tosummarize the Proceedings.

My writeup of this historic event follows.

Dr. E.K. VollebregtHall of Fame Inductee

The Toronto Conference attracted dele-gates from all over the World, includingDan Brown and Margaret Atwood, herselfoften suggested as a possible MISPRINTSauthor.

Also in attendance were many of the Aca-demics who had been at the Shakespearedebate.

Chris Commins had been invited to speak,but chose to geezercott the event, claimingthat he was “preparing a comeback Edi-tion”.

The Program was divided into two parts.

In the Morning, a number of speakers of-fered evidence and opinions on why Com-mins was probably not the Author.

And in the Afternoon, the question “If notCommins, who?” was addressed.

The first speaker, Maggy Faddoul of Mon-treal, challenged Commins’ claim that hehad been a French Major at U of T. Herconclusion: the claim was “rire-able”.

Maggy was followed by Dr. Charles Leech,who extended his earlier Semiotic analysisof the newsletter, arguing that all of the so-phisticated literary signals sent out eachmonth by MISPRINTS could not havebeen created by a University dropout withno published works to his name.

After a break, Catherine Dine offered aQualitative perspective.

In her opinion, it just didn’t FEEL likeChris could have produced MISPRINTS.

“Occasionally there are things in theNewsletter that have made me smile” shesaid “whereas in all the time I’ve spent withhim personally, I’ve never once heard himsay anything even remotely funny.”

She also made the point that she had beentold that some of the other candidates forAuthorship “had actually published books”.

The crushing blow, however, came from thelegendary Statistician, Lock Sing Leung.

Lock Sing had gained access to over 3,000emails written by Commins over the pastthree months. He then created a computerprogram to compare the literary style ofthese emails with that of MISPRINTS. HisConclusion : With the possible exception ofthe first three amateurish newsletters, thechances that these two bodies of work werewritten by the same Author approachedzero.

At that point, Conference Chair DanBrown called for a vote on the motion:

“Resolved: That we believe that ChrisCommins was NOT the Author of themonthly Newsletter MISPRINTS that hasbeen published over the past 25 years.”

The motion passed, with 98.47% support.

So, time for Lunch! The Committee hadarranged for our Luncheon to be jointlycatered by Swiss Chalet and Tim Hortons,pleasing all the Canadians, and impressingall our International visitors.

Following the pleasant break, it was timeto get down to the critical decision.

Delegates were asked to complete ballotsoffering their opinion on the likely Author.

The first round of voting produced 27 dif-ferent names, including both ChristopherMarlowe and the Earl of Oxford.

As the process continued, however, thelower-ranking names began to drop off,Yours Truly among them. (I would like tothank the six delegates who apparently be-lieved that I was capable of writing MIS-PRINTS. I wish!)

Eventually it became clear that there werethree serious candidates: Dr. ChuckchuckRapani, the Late Paul Burak and MargaretAtwood herself.

Just before the crucial next ballot, the cele-brated Canadian Novelist huddled with hersupporters, and then, in a dramatic mo-ment, walked across the floor and releasedher delegates to Rapani!

That settled the matter. Chuckchuck wonthe final ballot with 98.47% support.

The Conference Chair summed up theConclusion of the Attendees in his closingremarks “Erudition, Sophistication, Educa-tion, Publication and - critically - with re-spect to the high level of StatisticalExpertise for which MISPRINTS is famous, the Answer is NOT Commins.....Rapani is the Organ Grinder!” Case closed!

The Conference was so successful that plan-ning for an Encore in 2015 has already be-gun.

The Theme: “Who Really Writes MichaelAdams’ Books?”

IT’S THIS CC NOT THAT CC*

* (Photo from the May 1989 issue)

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The (Other ) Qual ColF O R E I G N A F FA I R S

We’re delighted to an-nounce a new MIS-PRINTS Columnist.

From his base in Chicago, long-time Pro-visional Member Mike Nestler will roamthe World, seeking out Research storiesfor our Subscribers.

The position of Foreign Correspondenthas been vacant since the Summer of1992, when Mme Elaine Murphée re-signed following a controversy over ex-pense claims.

Murphée submitted a bill for over $3,000to cover a supposed flight from Torontoto Paris, but then filed a piece about theglories of Paris, Ontario, where she lives.

But that’s all Water under the Fridge now.Over the next few months Mike will bechecking out the Research Scene in placessuch as Rio, the Ukraine and Qatar.

His first column investigates a mysterious“Dress Shop” in, sure enough, Paris.

The grainy photo below was taken witha surveillance camera implanted inNestler’s (left) nostril.

What a Dream Assignment for a born reporter! The International beat for my favourite newsletter!

On a recent trip to Paris (Note to Ac-counting: the Overseas one) I accidentallydiscovered the secret – and I must say, verycleverly disguised – entrance to the GlobalNerve Centre (Canadian spelling please)of Research juggernaut IPSOS.

This picture was taken from the street, onAvenue de Friedland, a stone's throw fromthe Arc de Triomphe!

At first I thought “What a coincidence! Adress shop in Paris called IPSOS! “

But then the sinister truth crept up andslapped me in the face like a wet baguette.

I remembered my early Research trainingwatching episodes of The Man FromU.N.C.L.E.

(Do you remember what U.N.C.L.E.stands for? )

My first clue was that the mannequins inthe window were wearing sunglasses....asignal that there was clandestine businessafoot. My second clue was that the twopictures in the upper - left and right at theback of the store looked suspiciously likeJennifer Camelford and Brenda Graham.So this is where they've gone!

Sure enough, when I entered the store Iwas greeted by an excessively attentiveclerk (especially for Paris!) carrying apoorly-disguised Blackberry under herjacket.

As soon as I uttered the code words “EarnOut” I was ushered into a dressing room atthe rear of the store.

In the dressing room was an electronictablet upon which, obviously, I needed towrite out the formula for an independenttwo-sample t-test where both samples areof equal size and equal variance.

As soon as I entered the formula (cor-rectly), the back wall of the dressing roomspun around and I whooshed down a longchute and was deposited on a huge pillowin the centre of a room of massive pro-portions populated by men in white coats,enormous arrays of monitors, boxes withblinking lights, and trays of those tastymeringue cookies from Lauduree.

Unfortunately, at this point in my adven-ture, my " hosts " realized that while I wasCanadian and did know my t-tests, I wasnot John Hallward or Darrell Bricker.

An alarm was sounded, and I was quicklyushered out.

“At least you’re not Angus!” they muttered.

Back on the street, I knew that the onlypeople who would listen to my story with-out immediately pronouncing me insanewere MISPRINTS readers, who have formany years been fighting courageously forall that is just and true in Marketing Re-search.

I thought about trying to sell the informa-tion to Martin Sorrell, but I decided thatbeing independently wealthy for the restof my Life was far less important thanarming the Provisionals with the informa-tion they need to carry on the struggle.

Next time any of you are in the companyof one of those IPSOS cognoscenti youshould confront them with the “DressShop” photo unexpectedly and see howthey react!

Well that’s it for now, so I’ll say Aujour-d’hui.

(I picked up a little of the language whileI was in Paris.)

Next month I’ll be in Rio. President Jonestells me that there’s apparently some sortof important Soccer game taking place.

And if that’s not an Oxymoron I don’tknow what is! (Great Book Review Les!)

Mike Nestler, signing off for MISPRINTS.

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When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITORE S S E N T I A L R E A D I N G

“Soccer is like Marketing Research, only without the dice.”

Reviewed by Leicester Jones

Welcome to our expanded Book Review section, featuring a revolutionary new approach to the topic.

Beginning this Month, all book reviews in MISPRINTS will be written by the Authors themselves! Who knows the book better thanthe person who wrote it? We don’t understand why no one seems to have come up with this idea before? We’re featuring reviews from

two well-known Toronto Researchers on two quite different books. We’re sure you’ll enjoy them as much as the Authors did!

“SOCCER: Canada’s National Sport” is aMasterpiece!

Most Canadians consider Soccer – a gamewhere a 1-0 victory is regarded as highscoring – as boring. This book goes out ofits way to prove the point.

Indeed, the only topic possibly more bor-ing than soccer is history, and this over-priced and overly-lengthy volume adroitlycombines both. It is a Masterpiece, but ofthe uninteresting, the trite and the forget-table. It is strikingly out-of-date and inac-curate.

Topics “covered” include:

• The tallest referees in Manitoba

• How to mark out a pitch while listeningto iTunes

• An audit of players' half-time beverages

• How to make your own goal posts

• Great one-legged players from Etobicoke

• How Chinese-made corner flags comparewith Korean-made

• How to blow a whistle while runningbackwards

• Your career as an assistant stretcher-bearer

• Offsides explained in 278 concise pages

• Diving for profit

• How to throw toilet-rolls with accuracy

• How to restrain your enthusiasm whensomeone actually shoots on net

• How to avoid meeting Chelsea support-ers

As Meredith Ware remarked “If you laid allthe soccer players in Ontario end to end,they still wouldn’t reach the net.”

In combining questionable facts, dubiousstatistics, incomprehensible interpretationand perplexing conclusions, the book ex-hibits those attributes which gave Dr.Chuckchuck Rapani’s “My favourite statis-tical analysis of various market research sta-tistical analyses “the prestigious award of“The World’s Most Boring Book”.

In an attempt to re-tain this World Titlead infinitum, Rapani& Jones are combin-ing to publish anothermind-numbing trea-tise: “A comprehen-sive analysis of 0-0 soccer games inthe Northwest Terri-tories, 1925-1957”.....456 pages in eight-point type with a special colour sectionby guest contributorSheila O’Brien of San

Francisco. (She put the ‘Zee’ in the A to Zof Expatriate Researchers.)

Reviewers are already enthusing about thenew book, Frank declaring it “Almost asexciting as a focus group report on home-heating oil”.

In a desperate measure to maintain mem-bership levels - and to goose sagging sales -a copy of the book will also automaticallybe sent to all renewing members of TheProvisionals. Additional copies are availablein the Discount Section of Honest Ed’s,alongside Professor Rapani’s 537 other ti-tles.

In summary, Mr. Jones has made a laud-able but ultimately totally unsuccessful at-tempt to make Soccer even vaguelyinteresting. Unfortunately, the book fails toscore.

The Author should have got his kicks else-where and stuck to his first love, the farmore challenging Indoor Wallyball.

The Author needsno Introduction.Jones is seekingan AmericanPublisher, con-vinced that theMarket in theStates for a bookon CanadianSoccer is almostlimitless.

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The (Other ) Qual ColA B S O L U T E LY E S S E N T I A L R E A D I N G !

The Ukulele-Totin', Statistics-Quotin' DoctorAnnie is the Editorof VUE, ourMonthly ResearchNewsletter rival.

Coming Next Month!

Two Toronto Researchers (one Qual, one Quant) reviewtheir ground-breaking new book, How To Poo At Work.

"The Listen Lady" is a Masterpiece!

Not since Charles Dickens penned DavidCopperfield has such a quaint and delightfulnovel come to market. This revolutionarynovel details an exquisitely innovative andinsightful methodology previously unheardof and never even imagined.

The author has invented stunningly accuratemethods called “sentiment analysis” and“content analysis” which reveal 98.376% valid and reliable insights as gathered from so-cial media websites such as Facebox and the Tweeter.

Survey researchers and focus groups researchers have made valiant attempts to discreditthe novel as it would immediately render their services moot. The underground researchnetwork led by Misprints will surely prevent this horrific outcome.

Purchase your copy today and save the market research world forever.

“The Listen Lady: A novel and socialmedia research guide baked into one”

Reviewed by F. Annie Pettit Phd

AND READ WHAT OTHER REVIEWERS HAD TO SAYABOUT “THE LISTEN LADY”

Almost as good as my own book!Less Jones

Even better than my Brother’s book!More Jones

Makes me want to give up writing!M. Atwood

Listen, Lady, who the Hell do youthink you are?? Frank Magazine

I knew we had a Winner! C. Commins, Editor, Misprints

Loved the Stats! C. Rapani, Editor, Misprints

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When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITORE T C E T E R A

ANTI - SPAM LEGISLATIONAPPROVED!

Thanks to the efforts of your Provisional Marketing Research Society, the use of SPAM in Focus Group sand-wiches has now been banned throughout North America.

Hawaii - where the stuff apparently grows on trees –asked for and was granted an exemption.

This is a cause that the Provos have been working on forover five years, so it’s very satisfying to finally achieve suc-cess.

And it’s also significant that the Provisionals were the leadorganization on this critically important issue. THE STING

We were expecting strong support from National Adver-tisers for this, our comeback Edition, and were surprisedwhen it was not forthcoming.

The mole that we have planted in the MRIA Offices(Christine Mole, actually) confirmed that the desperateVUE staff has been stealing ads intended for MIS-PRINTS, and were now planning to do the same with Ed-itorial material!?

To obtain proof of the latter, we set up a clever Sting Op-eration.

We left a plain brown envelope at the MRIA front deskmarked “Article for MISPRINTS”.

We've never received it, so we're certain that you'll seethe stolen piece in your next issue of VUE.

It should be simple to spot, given the distinctive MIS-PRINTS Editorial style. Watch for it.

And when that occurs we'll have the Smoking Gun thatwe were seeking!

INSTAPOLL RESULTSIn his Letter to The Editor, Charles Schade mentioned thathe usually kept his copies of MISPRINTS “right besidethe toilet”.

We wondered if that was typical, and our Readers replied.(n = 4)

Where do YOU keep your copies of MISPRINTS?

Right beside the toilet ..........25%

Far away from the toilet .......25%

Right in the toilet ................25%

1-800-weshred .....................25%

Thought-provoking response patterns!

And as far as Charles’ point about our move to onlinepublishing is concerned, we’ll be happy to provide papercopies to anyone who likes to keep their newsletters nearthe toilet.

IT’S ALIVE!!!From our issue of December 2008.....

So, Arrivederci Frank! Then what do we hear earlier this year?

After a five-year absence, rights to the moribund publicationhad been purchased by minor Research firm Burak Jacobsen,with Frank Jacobsen earmarked as the eponymous Editor!

Jacobsen told reporters that Frank would initially appear inwhat he referred to as an “Out of Town Tryout”, availableonly in Nova Scotia.

Well, after a fair bit of effort we did manage to track down acopy ( Thanks Heather! ), and have reproduced one of their“articles” overleaf.

What can we say? Remember that Classic review?

“This will appeal to people who like this sort of thing.”

A word of advice, Frank: Stay out of Toronto!

After two decades in print, satirical gossip magazine Frank isthe latest casualty of the struggling magazine Industry, alert-ing subscribers that it will stop publishing immediately, inprint and online.

Well, it was inevitable. Both MISPRINTS and Frank werelaunched on May 15, 1989, and from Day One pundits pre-dicted that only one would survive.

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MISPRINTS: THE F INAL WORD